Sunday, February 27, 2011
Where I've Been Blogging: Wordpress
Just in case anyone finds their way here, I wanted to let everyone know that I've been using Wordpress for a while now. I am at http://retmeishka.wordpress.com. Heck, I might actually come back here sometime - now that I'm looking at it again, I see that it's lighter on my browser than Wordpress is. But anyway, that's where I've been.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Thank you for all your helpful information about Viagra!
I haven't blogged in a long time because I left all my computer passwords in a cardboard box somewhere when I moved to my new apartment. I finally changed my passwords online so I could get back in. Now I'm seeing nothing but spam comments about Viagra.
However, back before I changed my password, I wasn't even getting notifications about spam-Viagra comments, and now I am.
Now that I've written a blog with Viagra in the title, I should get even more spam comments about Viagra.
However, back before I changed my password, I wasn't even getting notifications about spam-Viagra comments, and now I am.
Now that I've written a blog with Viagra in the title, I should get even more spam comments about Viagra.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Precarious Packing Positions?
(that title doesn't really sound quite right. LOL)
Dad and I are getting along, so far. It was actually fun, both of us carrying the dishwasher down the steps on a dolly, in the rain, on slippery wooden steps. If I could have somehow videotaped this, I would have. (I may have confused 'fun' with 'terrifying.' It's not something I do every day.)
Then, I should have also videotaped myself standing on top of a shaky metal file cabinet a foot and a half wide, which was on top of a plastic foot locker, while I piled boxes and musical keyboards and other stuff on top of, and behind, other stacks of boxes, while Dad handed things up to me.
Or then again, there was me standing on top of the dishwasher, doing that same thing as before, piling things onto stacks, except the dishwasher started to roll away on its wheels while I was straddled with one foot on a nearly-empty box sticking out of one of the stacks, which was slowly crushing under my foot, with my other foot on the dishwasher. So I had to get Dad to catch the dishwasher and push it back, or I would have had to jump off and probably knocked a bunch of boxes over.
And of course it's pouring rain today! We get to go up and down the steps in the rain. I don't mind that too much, it's refreshing, not too hot outside.
So again, kind of stressful but also fun, and we're not arguing. We seem to understand each other. As long as I don't talk about any controversial subjects it won't be a problem.
Dad is thinking ahead about where we might put the last of my stuff if we absolutely can't fit it into the storage unit. I can keep some of it in my car, and he said that maybe Aunt Jean would let me temporarily put a few things there if I had to. And he also suggested that I might go to the homeless shelter if I absolutely had to, if I could not get in to the apartment. (I am having a problem which I won't get into right now, but I expect it to be resolved. But I might not get the apartment or it might be delayed.) A couple years ago I had asked Aunt Jean if I could stay at their place but they were not really comfortable with that, especially because both of them have serious health problems now. So I'm not going there. I'm not that worried about it yet.
Anyway, it really is fun to do work with somebody else instead of alone.
That's it for now.
Dad and I are getting along, so far. It was actually fun, both of us carrying the dishwasher down the steps on a dolly, in the rain, on slippery wooden steps. If I could have somehow videotaped this, I would have. (I may have confused 'fun' with 'terrifying.' It's not something I do every day.)
Then, I should have also videotaped myself standing on top of a shaky metal file cabinet a foot and a half wide, which was on top of a plastic foot locker, while I piled boxes and musical keyboards and other stuff on top of, and behind, other stacks of boxes, while Dad handed things up to me.
Or then again, there was me standing on top of the dishwasher, doing that same thing as before, piling things onto stacks, except the dishwasher started to roll away on its wheels while I was straddled with one foot on a nearly-empty box sticking out of one of the stacks, which was slowly crushing under my foot, with my other foot on the dishwasher. So I had to get Dad to catch the dishwasher and push it back, or I would have had to jump off and probably knocked a bunch of boxes over.
And of course it's pouring rain today! We get to go up and down the steps in the rain. I don't mind that too much, it's refreshing, not too hot outside.
So again, kind of stressful but also fun, and we're not arguing. We seem to understand each other. As long as I don't talk about any controversial subjects it won't be a problem.
Dad is thinking ahead about where we might put the last of my stuff if we absolutely can't fit it into the storage unit. I can keep some of it in my car, and he said that maybe Aunt Jean would let me temporarily put a few things there if I had to. And he also suggested that I might go to the homeless shelter if I absolutely had to, if I could not get in to the apartment. (I am having a problem which I won't get into right now, but I expect it to be resolved. But I might not get the apartment or it might be delayed.) A couple years ago I had asked Aunt Jean if I could stay at their place but they were not really comfortable with that, especially because both of them have serious health problems now. So I'm not going there. I'm not that worried about it yet.
Anyway, it really is fun to do work with somebody else instead of alone.
That's it for now.
My storage unit looks like a badly played game of Tetris.
I used to play Tetris on Nintendo back in the 1990s. There were times when you would have a hole, a missing space, a few rows down, and you're trying really hard to get to it so that you can fix it, but every time you reach it, something goes wrong, and you add another piece that doesn't really fit and it only makes the situation worse, or it has a piece that juts outwards with another hole underneath it, which causes another bad row, and it piles up higher and higher because you can't make any rows disappear.
So my storage unit is like that. I have my bookshelves set up, but for some reason, didn't put anything ON them, which would have actually USED the shelves. Instead, I just piled things in front of them. After doing that for a bit, I decided to try putting a few things on the highest shelves, but not the lower ones, so it's in danger of falling forwards. The lower shelves are empty, but blocked behind a bunch of stuff. It's too exhausting to think about pulling everything out just to get to the lower bookshelves, so I am leaving it that way.
Then, I have the recliner. It has boxes piled up in its lap. But since the recliner is soft and squishy and not flat, the boxes are tilted, leaning at a slight angle. To fix this, I added a few boxes in between other stacks of boxes, up at a high place with nothing underneath them, boxes that are supported by nothing except the leaning stacks of boxes around them, just hanging in midair that way.
A lot of my boxes are almost empty, with only one or two lightweight objects in them. This is because I kept a few contaminated items that I wanted to keep separate from other items. So there are quite a few boxes that are full of air, which ought to have been compressed into less space if I could. But I am leaving them that way too.
I went there to move things around and make room for my dishwasher. That worked out fine, so I will be able to get the dishwasher in there today.
My dad drove up here anyway, because it turns out that my uncle Eugene in Bellefonte was having heart problems and thought he might die. I was shocked to hear this, because nobody mentioned it to me until after everyone else had already known about it for several days. However, I got to see him today and I will try to go visit them maybe later today after Dad and I get the dishwasher put away.
I used St. John's Wort yesterday to give myself the endurance I need to do unpleasant work. I was having days where I would get maybe one box of stuff packed, and then I couldn't bring myself to do any more work than that. The sjw worked well - I got a lot more boxes packed yesterday than any other days.
Anyway I thought it was funny how it reminded me of Tetris - playing Nintendo all the time, those were the days. (Nothing in my life reminds me of Super Mario Brothers right now, but I'll let you know if that happens. Maybe I'm a princess 'moving to another castle?')
So my storage unit is like that. I have my bookshelves set up, but for some reason, didn't put anything ON them, which would have actually USED the shelves. Instead, I just piled things in front of them. After doing that for a bit, I decided to try putting a few things on the highest shelves, but not the lower ones, so it's in danger of falling forwards. The lower shelves are empty, but blocked behind a bunch of stuff. It's too exhausting to think about pulling everything out just to get to the lower bookshelves, so I am leaving it that way.
Then, I have the recliner. It has boxes piled up in its lap. But since the recliner is soft and squishy and not flat, the boxes are tilted, leaning at a slight angle. To fix this, I added a few boxes in between other stacks of boxes, up at a high place with nothing underneath them, boxes that are supported by nothing except the leaning stacks of boxes around them, just hanging in midair that way.
A lot of my boxes are almost empty, with only one or two lightweight objects in them. This is because I kept a few contaminated items that I wanted to keep separate from other items. So there are quite a few boxes that are full of air, which ought to have been compressed into less space if I could. But I am leaving them that way too.
I went there to move things around and make room for my dishwasher. That worked out fine, so I will be able to get the dishwasher in there today.
My dad drove up here anyway, because it turns out that my uncle Eugene in Bellefonte was having heart problems and thought he might die. I was shocked to hear this, because nobody mentioned it to me until after everyone else had already known about it for several days. However, I got to see him today and I will try to go visit them maybe later today after Dad and I get the dishwasher put away.
I used St. John's Wort yesterday to give myself the endurance I need to do unpleasant work. I was having days where I would get maybe one box of stuff packed, and then I couldn't bring myself to do any more work than that. The sjw worked well - I got a lot more boxes packed yesterday than any other days.
Anyway I thought it was funny how it reminded me of Tetris - playing Nintendo all the time, those were the days. (Nothing in my life reminds me of Super Mario Brothers right now, but I'll let you know if that happens. Maybe I'm a princess 'moving to another castle?')
Monday, July 27, 2009
OMG!!! THE UNIVERSE IS ENDING!!! RIGHT NOW!!! ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT WILL BE DESTROYED!!!
My mom is freaking out about me trying to move out of my apartment. She said again that she is going to send Dad up here to 'help' me get out of the apartment. I am moving out very slowly because of recurring illnesses, chemical sensitivities, and fatigue, which makes it very hard to pack all my stuff into boxes and go up and down the steps a hundred times.
There are a few reasons why I don't want Dad to come up here and 'help.' Dad and Mom both believe that all of my herbal residue contamination is imaginary (and also the moldy air, and my chronic fatigue). So if Dad is packing things for me, he will throw contaminated objects randomly with other things that are not contaminated - unless I fight and argue, constantly, which I can already imagine. This means that sentimental, irreplaceable objects will be ruined, destroyed, and made permanently untouchable and unusable. I'm expecting also that there will be fighting over random things, lectures about what a failure I am and how I'm 34 years old and yet they're still helping me financially, and how I need to get my life together, blah blah blah.
Mom and Dad are co-signed on my lease with me. And I would never have wanted that. But over the past few years, it's been frequent job losses, unusual disasters, electronic harassment, and chronic illnesses, one after another, and my life has not been stable enough to earn enough income to pay my own rent for long periods of time. (My parents believe that all of these things are either imaginary, or else they're my fault.) I've been able to do it for brief periods, but not permanently.
It has been years since I've fought with them this much. I feel like I'm living with them again. I am actually yelling and raising my voice in an argument, which, again, I almost never need to do. I have been shouting at Mom on the phone telling her *NOT* to send Dad up here.
I tried explaining to her the reasons why the universe ISN'T going to collapse and destroy all life as we know it. But she believes that since their name is co-signed on the lease, it IS going to destroy the universe and all life as we know it.
I am not happy about this either, but I know for sure that the universe isn't ending, and that it will be okay. I can survive this even if it doesn't go perfectly. Mom is freaking out because I don't have all my belongings out of here yet. The worst thing that can happen with that is that 1. I will have to pile stuff on the porch, and 2. the carpet won't get cleaned in time. If the carpet wasn't ready, the new people might be briefly delayed getting in (oh no! I can see the dead bodies piling up now! I can hear the screaming! blood and guts everywhere!).
I can't move things into the new apartment, because it hasn't been settled yet. I wasn't getting enough hours at my job, and the new landlady was hesitant to let me move in, because it seems like I'm not making enough money. In reality, in the long term, I am either going to become a nomad and live in my car, an RV, or something similar, or else I am going to be living with housemates, or a group, or a spouse.
All these years, I have not married, because I was sure there would be a divorce, and if we didn't divorce, there would be physical and psychological abuse. So I refused to marry. I don't know why I expect physical and psychological abuse as being extremely likely to happen in my marriage, but it might be because my first 'real' boyfriend (somebody more than just a brief kiss or whatever) was... a little bit messed up... very unpredictable, and probably a victim of some of the same things that are causing so many problems in MY life right now.
I actually see two possible scenarios for my marriage. The first scenario: 1. I find the guy sexually attractive. The marriage relationship is psychologically abusive. Life is unstable. It ends with a divorce. This is a bad environment to try to raise children in. 2. A 'practical' marriage. I find the guy sexually and psychologically boring, or possibly even disgusting, repulsive, or loathsome. Not at all attractive. However, he is down-to-earth enough to earn money in a reliable way, and nonviolent enough that he doesn't abuse me or the children. For sexual, psychological, and mental excitement, I look outside the marriage. This is an infidelity or non-monogamous scenario. Again, I would rather not feel that I had to do that.
It's normal for people to have friends outside the marriage, and it's normal that spouses do not meet each other's every social need, and they have to go to other people to share their interests and their goals and their activities. A typical marriage might have a wife who rolls her eyes whenever the husband wants to go watch football or NASCAR racing on TV, and the husband rolls his eyes whenever the wife wants to go shopping at yard sales, or whatever wives do that annoys their husbands. (I don't relate to other women very well. I never have.) And it seems to be common for women to fantasize about other men, celebrities, movie stars, etc. who are 1. not their husband, 2. not interested in them, 3. not available, 4. not reliable or stable enough to marry, 5. drug users who are physically and psychologically dangerous, having fights and mood swings and unpredictable things (that describes my high school boyfriend).
So my imagined likely scenarios for the marriage are very negative, and I avoided it all this time.
I don't know where this fits in, but I also have to mention: I expect that, of course, my husband will not respect my knowledge, my intelligence, my competence, the things that I believe and the things that I want, and the goals I want to achieve. That would probably be true in both scenarios. In all of my life, nobody ever respected me or cared what I wanted or what I believed. (That's one of those fake sentences which is not true: those are somebody else's words, not mine. In reality, I can name a few people who HAVE respected me and cared what I wanted. But would you believe me if I told you that somebody is forcing me to write fake sentences, and that I need a physical shield that can block out electronic mind control attacks, and that somebody needs to do research to find out how the attacks are being done so that we will know what the shield needs to be made of, and also the sources of the attacks needs to be found so that the people doing them can be stopped? I would need a husband who can at least *tolerate* this, even though I would probably have to work on those projects with other people, not necessarily my husband.)
Fighting with Mom and Dad again is bringing all of this out. (So far, I have only talked on the phone to Mom. Dad and I don't talk much. He and I only get in fights if we live together in the same house.) I don't want to marry somebody only to find that they are just as disbelieving as Mom and Dad, calling me a hypochondriac, crazy, lazy, and all the other things that they think I am.
In my opinion, there isn't much reason to marry someone unless you are planning to have children. If you're not having children, then you can just have monogamous boyfriend-girlfriend relationships, which is what I have been doing all these years. People do it for 'tax reasons,' but that's just... I don't know. A stupid reason. There have to be better reasons to marry someone than that.
I forgot to mention something earlier. I read someplace the names of the generations. Mine is called Generation X, which most of us have heard of, but they also started calling it 'The Boomerang Generation.' I wrote that a few months ago in my blog somewhere, I vaguely remember. Boomerangs, because we move out, and then come back home because we can't afford to live on our own - the rent is too high, the job market is too unstable, businesses go bankrupt one after another after another to infinity, the property taxes are too high, the housing and land prices are too high, and even after going to college and getting several degrees, people still can't get a stable job without getting laid off after a year or two, because there are NO BUSINESSES that can profit in a collapsing economy.
I know I'm not the only person having these problems. I make myself feel better by remembering that people were writing about chronic health problems a long time ago, that some of the famous poets and authors were 'sickly,' although back then it was because of air pollution, tuberculosis, and things like that. I also know that the unstable economy is everywhere, and that lots of other people can't keep a job for long, and it's been that way for years now. And after reading my books for the past few years, I have some understanding of how and why the economy and the money system are being destroyed.
So I know that I am not alone; and I also know that this is nowhere near as bad of a disaster as a lot of other things I have experienced. My life is not in immediate danger. I am going to fight and argue with my family for the next few days, and maybe the next few weeks, but it is going to settle down, and I am going to continue doing the things that I have been trying to do.
I got a good fortune cookie a couple weeks ago. It said, 'Notice the dream that keeps coming back. It is your destiny.' There are lots of things that I have been thinking about for years now, and some things that I have been thinking about since childhood, things that I have wanted to do, things that I thought were important - the dreams that keep coming back. I am still going to try to do those things.
There are a few reasons why I don't want Dad to come up here and 'help.' Dad and Mom both believe that all of my herbal residue contamination is imaginary (and also the moldy air, and my chronic fatigue). So if Dad is packing things for me, he will throw contaminated objects randomly with other things that are not contaminated - unless I fight and argue, constantly, which I can already imagine. This means that sentimental, irreplaceable objects will be ruined, destroyed, and made permanently untouchable and unusable. I'm expecting also that there will be fighting over random things, lectures about what a failure I am and how I'm 34 years old and yet they're still helping me financially, and how I need to get my life together, blah blah blah.
Mom and Dad are co-signed on my lease with me. And I would never have wanted that. But over the past few years, it's been frequent job losses, unusual disasters, electronic harassment, and chronic illnesses, one after another, and my life has not been stable enough to earn enough income to pay my own rent for long periods of time. (My parents believe that all of these things are either imaginary, or else they're my fault.) I've been able to do it for brief periods, but not permanently.
It has been years since I've fought with them this much. I feel like I'm living with them again. I am actually yelling and raising my voice in an argument, which, again, I almost never need to do. I have been shouting at Mom on the phone telling her *NOT* to send Dad up here.
I tried explaining to her the reasons why the universe ISN'T going to collapse and destroy all life as we know it. But she believes that since their name is co-signed on the lease, it IS going to destroy the universe and all life as we know it.
I am not happy about this either, but I know for sure that the universe isn't ending, and that it will be okay. I can survive this even if it doesn't go perfectly. Mom is freaking out because I don't have all my belongings out of here yet. The worst thing that can happen with that is that 1. I will have to pile stuff on the porch, and 2. the carpet won't get cleaned in time. If the carpet wasn't ready, the new people might be briefly delayed getting in (oh no! I can see the dead bodies piling up now! I can hear the screaming! blood and guts everywhere!).
I can't move things into the new apartment, because it hasn't been settled yet. I wasn't getting enough hours at my job, and the new landlady was hesitant to let me move in, because it seems like I'm not making enough money. In reality, in the long term, I am either going to become a nomad and live in my car, an RV, or something similar, or else I am going to be living with housemates, or a group, or a spouse.
All these years, I have not married, because I was sure there would be a divorce, and if we didn't divorce, there would be physical and psychological abuse. So I refused to marry. I don't know why I expect physical and psychological abuse as being extremely likely to happen in my marriage, but it might be because my first 'real' boyfriend (somebody more than just a brief kiss or whatever) was... a little bit messed up... very unpredictable, and probably a victim of some of the same things that are causing so many problems in MY life right now.
I actually see two possible scenarios for my marriage. The first scenario: 1. I find the guy sexually attractive. The marriage relationship is psychologically abusive. Life is unstable. It ends with a divorce. This is a bad environment to try to raise children in. 2. A 'practical' marriage. I find the guy sexually and psychologically boring, or possibly even disgusting, repulsive, or loathsome. Not at all attractive. However, he is down-to-earth enough to earn money in a reliable way, and nonviolent enough that he doesn't abuse me or the children. For sexual, psychological, and mental excitement, I look outside the marriage. This is an infidelity or non-monogamous scenario. Again, I would rather not feel that I had to do that.
It's normal for people to have friends outside the marriage, and it's normal that spouses do not meet each other's every social need, and they have to go to other people to share their interests and their goals and their activities. A typical marriage might have a wife who rolls her eyes whenever the husband wants to go watch football or NASCAR racing on TV, and the husband rolls his eyes whenever the wife wants to go shopping at yard sales, or whatever wives do that annoys their husbands. (I don't relate to other women very well. I never have.) And it seems to be common for women to fantasize about other men, celebrities, movie stars, etc. who are 1. not their husband, 2. not interested in them, 3. not available, 4. not reliable or stable enough to marry, 5. drug users who are physically and psychologically dangerous, having fights and mood swings and unpredictable things (that describes my high school boyfriend).
So my imagined likely scenarios for the marriage are very negative, and I avoided it all this time.
I don't know where this fits in, but I also have to mention: I expect that, of course, my husband will not respect my knowledge, my intelligence, my competence, the things that I believe and the things that I want, and the goals I want to achieve. That would probably be true in both scenarios. In all of my life, nobody ever respected me or cared what I wanted or what I believed. (That's one of those fake sentences which is not true: those are somebody else's words, not mine. In reality, I can name a few people who HAVE respected me and cared what I wanted. But would you believe me if I told you that somebody is forcing me to write fake sentences, and that I need a physical shield that can block out electronic mind control attacks, and that somebody needs to do research to find out how the attacks are being done so that we will know what the shield needs to be made of, and also the sources of the attacks needs to be found so that the people doing them can be stopped? I would need a husband who can at least *tolerate* this, even though I would probably have to work on those projects with other people, not necessarily my husband.)
Fighting with Mom and Dad again is bringing all of this out. (So far, I have only talked on the phone to Mom. Dad and I don't talk much. He and I only get in fights if we live together in the same house.) I don't want to marry somebody only to find that they are just as disbelieving as Mom and Dad, calling me a hypochondriac, crazy, lazy, and all the other things that they think I am.
In my opinion, there isn't much reason to marry someone unless you are planning to have children. If you're not having children, then you can just have monogamous boyfriend-girlfriend relationships, which is what I have been doing all these years. People do it for 'tax reasons,' but that's just... I don't know. A stupid reason. There have to be better reasons to marry someone than that.
I forgot to mention something earlier. I read someplace the names of the generations. Mine is called Generation X, which most of us have heard of, but they also started calling it 'The Boomerang Generation.' I wrote that a few months ago in my blog somewhere, I vaguely remember. Boomerangs, because we move out, and then come back home because we can't afford to live on our own - the rent is too high, the job market is too unstable, businesses go bankrupt one after another after another to infinity, the property taxes are too high, the housing and land prices are too high, and even after going to college and getting several degrees, people still can't get a stable job without getting laid off after a year or two, because there are NO BUSINESSES that can profit in a collapsing economy.
I know I'm not the only person having these problems. I make myself feel better by remembering that people were writing about chronic health problems a long time ago, that some of the famous poets and authors were 'sickly,' although back then it was because of air pollution, tuberculosis, and things like that. I also know that the unstable economy is everywhere, and that lots of other people can't keep a job for long, and it's been that way for years now. And after reading my books for the past few years, I have some understanding of how and why the economy and the money system are being destroyed.
So I know that I am not alone; and I also know that this is nowhere near as bad of a disaster as a lot of other things I have experienced. My life is not in immediate danger. I am going to fight and argue with my family for the next few days, and maybe the next few weeks, but it is going to settle down, and I am going to continue doing the things that I have been trying to do.
I got a good fortune cookie a couple weeks ago. It said, 'Notice the dream that keeps coming back. It is your destiny.' There are lots of things that I have been thinking about for years now, and some things that I have been thinking about since childhood, things that I have wanted to do, things that I thought were important - the dreams that keep coming back. I am still going to try to do those things.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
I am in my own little world, banging on the walls to see if anyone notices.
I did something which I know I am not allowed to do, and nothing happened. Well, nothing happened YET. It seems like it ought to get some kind of response, but it didn't.
Oh, I could be wrong about the word 'lex.' I saw something somewhere that made me suspect that's what it was, but I'm not sure.
I didn't meet the 'it has to be insulting, degrading, or sexual' criteria. I think I'll just skip that criteria. I'm not really confortable, with an N, talking that way yet.
The previous post (two posts ago actually), which I don't think is visible, might show up in my google results. I wonder if it will show up in google results no matter which computer I use and no matter who I am? I'll just wait for google to find it.
Oh, I could be wrong about the word 'lex.' I saw something somewhere that made me suspect that's what it was, but I'm not sure.
I didn't meet the 'it has to be insulting, degrading, or sexual' criteria. I think I'll just skip that criteria. I'm not really confortable, with an N, talking that way yet.
The previous post (two posts ago actually), which I don't think is visible, might show up in my google results. I wonder if it will show up in google results no matter which computer I use and no matter who I am? I'll just wait for google to find it.
Dear purplebarnswallow lex glow from peppermint, I assume my previous post didn't appear.
I was expecting to hear total silence after posting it. Just wanted to see what would happen. This one probably won't go either.
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