Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Retmeishka is my current blog

I'm currently blogging at I was going to try to use this blog to put up ads, or at least to learn how to put up ads, but I abandoned that project (and forgot about it). Retmeishka has ads that come from Wordpress, which I don't get paid for - they're not mine and I'm not willing, yet, to pay to have an ad-free site.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

There's a giant ad stuck at the bottom of this page, and I put it there on purpose.

I just wanted my readers to know that they're not seeing things and they're not infected with spyware. That ad is real. I'm learning how to put ads on my blog. However, don't fool around with it, don't touch it, don't click it, unless you really, seriously want to go look at their page and buy whatever they're selling. I'm not supposed to encourage anyone to click on it. The people who click the ad have to be real people who seriously are interested in whatever the ad is talking about, not people who click on it just to be nice to me. So, just look but don't touch, unless you're really serious. No fooling around with the ad. The ad is probably looking at cookies that are saved in your browsers so that it can decide which ad to show you. If you don't want it to do that, you can turn off cookies in your browser. I'm not sure how to do that with each and every browser. I'm only experimenting right now, just seeing if I can get the ads to work, so it might not stay that way forever. I just need to learn how to do it, so please pardon me for putting up something really big that takes up a lot of space on the screen. Eventually I will get things set up the way I want.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Okay, not starting AdSense yet

AdSense rejected my application because either this blog was too small or it didn't have enough content that would work with their advertising. Since I haven't finished importing most of the other blog yet, I don't know if it will be accepted eventually, or not at all. But I've been reading about alternatives to AdSense that I could try, and maybe some of them would be willing to advertise on a personal blog page instead of a more formal page. I agree that there isn't much in here that would work with advertisements, but I didn't know how stringent AdSense would be about that. Other advertisers might not care that this is just a personal blog. So I will keep working on importing the other blog, and then find out if some other advertiser will do it if AdSense won't.

Monday, September 8, 2014

I'm importing my Retmeishka blog, and I'm starting AdSense

This Eagledove9 blog has been inactive for a really long time. I'm going to use it again. I'm importing my other blog, Retmeishka, into here (if that works). I've written thousands of pages there and it gets a lot of views - it gets a steady stream of views every day. So there are going to be thousands of pages added on, and actually, now that I think about it, the dates on some of those posts might be interspersed with dates on these posts, so that they overlap. I might have written one or two posts in here that will have a later date than the earliest date on Retmeishka. I'm also going to start using adsense on the pages here. I just want to learn how to use it. I'm not necessarily going to get rich quick just from casually blogging about my life. The purpose is to learn and to be encouraged to try. If I earn a couple pennies every few months, it might encourage me to try harder and see if I can earn more. I have never actually tried deliberately to get more page views, but now, if I am motivated, I might try.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

I feel safer without a home. I can finally imagine having a baby now.

I feel more safe, not less safe.

This morning I slipped a ziploc bag with my keys in it through the mail slot of the apartment office.

I slept in the apartment last night.  I had asked my landlady exactly which day I had to be out, and she said by Saturday.

Yesterday I did some cleaning.  First I cleaned the sinks, the bathtub, and the toilet.  Then I started cleaning the vinyl floor of the bathroom.  Then I worked on the refrigerator in the kitchen, and also the vinyl kitchen floor.  This is the refrigerator that had the vapors in it from when I cooked bone marrow.  That was in, I think, December 2010.  It was over a year ago.  I could look at my blog to make sure - I wrote about it when it happened.  That date might be wrong, but it was over a year ago.  The vapors spread around inside the fridge and contaminated any food and drinks I put in there, so I could not use it.  Every time I ate or drank anything, I would get vomit urges triggered by the marrow vapors.

Yesterday I was spraying out the fridge with some window cleaner, just because that's what I had.  As I was cleaning it, I started burping forcefully, the kind of burp where it just keeps pushing upwards and outwards, and it doesn't stop.  That's the vomit signal that I kept experiencing when I ate anything in the fridge.  Merely smelling it and cleaning the fridge was enough to make it start happening again.

Then I started feeling extremely exhausted like I was going to pass out.  I laid down in bed for a while.  I felt like I had very low blood pressure.

I got up and use the kitchen sink sprayer hose to spray out the fridge.  I didn't care that the water went all over the floor, but I didn't want it to leak through the ceiling below.  But it needed lots of water.  I wiped it out with a cloth. I did the best I could.  There are limits to what I can do.  I've already done things like aim a fan directly into it, blowing at the highest speed. It didn't help. It might have helped a little, but not completely.

So after I finished spraying out the fridge, I went out to Fisherman's Paradise and took a walk to get some fresh air and feel better.  I went looking for a huge, palm-sized wolf spider that I had seen last time I was there.  I didn't find it again.

It had been out on the rocks next to the creek, the manmade rock area.  I had picked up a stick and gently touched the spider's leg.  It jumped, startled, as apparently it hadn't seen me crouching over it - perhaps it was asleep, or meditating.  I started laughing and I touched it again, and it jumped and ran under a rock.  This sounds sadistic, but I wasn't hurting it.  I was laughing because it scared the living crap out of me.

So after failing to find the spider, I went home, and continued cleaning.  I wiped off the kitchen floor to the best of my ability.  The landlady will get people to professionally clean the carpet.  I am going to just give up and leave the drug residues, since I cannot prove to anyone else that they are there.  The new tenant will have incurable insomnia and will probably go to the doctor to get prescription sleeping pills because of the ephedra on the carpet.  Again, there are limits to what I can do.  I already tried shampooing the carpet many times at the previous apartment.

I said goodbye to a couple neighbors.  I don't like leaving people - it hurts - but today, I hardly care at all.  I wasn't close to any of them, and I was extremely antisocial and I refused to form any bonds.  My bonds are different.  A bond is an extremely serious thing.  I don't bond casually.

I slept in the apartment, on a new piece of cardboard.  I've slept on pieces of cardboard for the past couple years.  This is nothing new to me.  It's unthinkable to anyone who is used to comfortable beds.  I sleep like an animal, on the hard floor.  I enjoy sleeping in soft beds, but when everything you own gets contaminated with ephedra, you don't want to own anything anymore, and you want everything to be disposable so that you can change it frequently.

I was having a dream that the carpet cleaners came in while I was still here, and I hadn't moved my stuff out yet.  I had to hurry and carry all my stuff out and down to the car while the cleaners were walking around the apartment.  When I was forced awake, at 6:00 AM, I realized that I had no idea when the cleaners were scheduled to arrive.  It could have been today, tomorrow, Monday, whenever.  They might really come in while I was still lying in bed.  The landlady had said 'by Saturday.'  So I carried down the last of my stuff and put it in the car.

I had one cup of coffee this morning.  That's my last cup for now.  I'm past the urgent deadline and I no longer need to hurry, so I can afford to slow down again.  That means I will once again be living at a lower level, intellectually and physically.

So I slipped the keys through the mail slot of the office, and then I drove away.

I decided to go to the dam at Howard.  It was still early.  I had things to do, but nothing was open yet, and I wanted to wait until probably around 9:00.  I need to make some phone calls and go to the storage unit.  I haven't shut off my phone service yet, but the landlady will do that eventually.  Still, I will call them to make sure that I'm not being charged for anything anymore.  And I have to give people my PO box address too.

I was driving in my car and I had this feeling of freedom.  It wasn't a manic feeling.  It wasn't the kind of overwhelming intense energy where you want to do a million things and you can't possibly do them all.  Instead, it was a quiet realization that I was free of an unwanted burden.  I no longer have to go home to that inconveniently far away location and drive back and forth to work every day.  I can sleep somewhere close to work and have a short drive.

I won't have to drive a long way to get good food either.  Bellefonte has horrible food!  They have, like, ten different Italian restaurants and pizza restaurants, and that's all:  wheat flour and tomato sauce and nothing else.  I just so happen to dislike bread and pasta, for the most part, and I no longer believe in eating grains, after reading Weston Price's and Ramiel Nagel's books. So I can stay close to a place where good food is easy to find.

I wandered around the lake.  I visited a couple of boat launches that I had never been to before.  I walked down a path into the woods, and for some reason, I was scared that I would be attacked by a bear.  It's important to be prepared for attacks, and I'm not ready for that.  I had seen a news article about hikers in Alaska who got mauled by a bear recently.  Rick said he and Kim got attacked by wild cows.

I walked around quietly and I accepted that feeling of freedom and happiness.  I felt like I had entered a new stage of life.

And I felt, for the first time, that my baby was close to me.  I felt that it was closer than it had ever been before.  I felt safe.  Safety is what I need to feel in order to be ready for a baby.  I felt safety, and I felt it deeply enough that my body really believed it would soon be okay.  I could actually imagine the baby inside me and I could imagine how it would feel to walk around pregnant.

Money is the reason why I couldn't have a baby.  'Having a baby' was this vague, impossible, faraway abstraction, somewhere in another universe, something that could happen to other people but not to me.  I didn't want to marry someone who I didn't get along with, someone I would fight with, and then depend on him for money, depend on him to pay the extremely high rent, depend on him to get a bigger and bigger house because the government forbids you to put more than a certain number of people into a certain square footage of space.  It doesn't matter that you have tons of extra room and you could fit eight people in there.  It's illegal.  So you have to pay enormous rent for a multi-person apartment, or buy a house.  And the children are forbidden to get jobs and earn money.  So they can't help you pay the enormously high rent.

If I can live without a house, I feel safe enough to have a baby.  I don't mind raising a baby without a house.  In fact, it actually feels better to me.  I don't mind the idea of sleeping in my car while pregnant - or sleeping on the ground.  I see myself moving towards life without a car. I need to get the stuff out of the storage unit first, as that will require carrying a lot of things from place to place in the car.

I've been talking to my coworker who built a motorized bicycle.  You don't need a license to drive it.  You don't need government permission.  You don't need papers and registrations.  He has one that runs on two-stroke gas/oil or whatever it is - I don't know much about it - and it gets tons of miles to the gallon.  It's too noisy though, and I don't want to get hearing damage.  So I need to research quiet engines.   This gas engine is more convenient than an electric one that has to be charged frequently.  If you don't have a house, it's hard to plug in your batteries.  You'd have to borrow someone else's electricity.  I have bad knees, and when I ride a bike too much, or even barely at all, my knees are in agony.  I would have to research other types of bikes, like a recumbent bike, anything that would not put stress on my knees.  But I also will look into a motorized bike.

I feel safer as a nomad.  You'd think that I would feel helpless and insecure and unprotected without a house, but for whatever reason, I feel so much better.

So I am lurking around State College today, and I will run some errands, do some work, make some phone calls, clean up the car so it's ready to live in, and do a few other things, whatever.  I need to be ready to go back to work at McDonald's next week.  I wonder if I really will be able to save more money.  I wonder how long it will take.

I'm already used to sleeping and living in uncomfortable situations with few amenities.  So this won't be that different.  I want to explain it to people, to convince them, you don't need a house.  You will feel better without one!  I want to really be sure, though, before I start trying to convince people.  I want to prove, for sure, that I really can live this way, and I really will save a lot of money this way, before I start talking to people about it.  I myself would have wanted encouragement from someone who was already doing it, years ago - I had thought of living in my car many years ago and read about it on the net.  Many people really want to make changes in their lives but they just need guidance and moral support from someone else who is already doing it.

I'll post this for now, as I'm running out of time at the library.  I have some things I need to do.

As I said, I felt that the baby was closer to me than it has ever been before.  I feel that I will soon be ready.  I need to start eating the diet, and I'd like to drill out my fillings.  I need to get rid of the contaminated stuff in the storage unit.  But it actually seems possible now - it actually seems real.  I can believe it.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

I "slept," quote unquote, in my car

I tested sleeping in my car last night. I had a cup of coffee just before bed. I had been thinking that I would need the coffee to stay awake so that I could get the rest of my stuff ready to put in storage or into the car itself to keep there for daily use. But then I decided that I only wanted to sleep, so I set up the car bed in a quick, sloppy way.

I said last night, "My goal tonight is... to sleep." That was the only goal.

I took out some trash bags and a tarp that I had covering the floor of the trunk. They were all contaminated with residues, and I was being careful not to touch them except with the gloves. I also had residues elsewhere in the car and I know I touched them. However, depending on what the residue is, I can sometimes still sleep just a little bit anyway. If it's mostly tobacco instead of ephedra, then there's hope.

I put a ripped-open cardboard box on the floor of the trunk so that I would not be directly touching the residue covered area. Then I very carefully put in a sleeping bag which I had bought many months before. I had gotten it during the winter in case we lost the electricity and I would need something really warm to sleep in.

I wore clothes to bed, which I never do, so I had to find clean clothes that I wouldn't have a reaction to. Then I had to crawl into the sleeping bag without accidentally touching anything. The back seats were in the down position and so I was sleeping with my feet in the trunk area and my head at the top of the back side of the flattened seats.

It was hard and lumpy, but actually, I'm used to sleeping on miserably hard surfaces, because the foam floor mat that I've been sleeping on was actually pretty thin and didn't give a lot of cushioning. So gradually I figured out where the lumps were and how to lie over them and around them.

It was much more comfortable than the time period at my previous apartment when I was sleeping on a futon that was in the "couch" position instead of the "bed" position (I didn't have room there to open it up, and I was too passive, at the time, to rearrange everything) because sleeping on a sideways tilted surface is extremely uncomfortable for me. This trunk was sloping upwards, not sideways. It's hard to explain. So my feet were lower than my head. It actually was not that bad.

I tossed and turned the entire night. I just never fell asleep at all. This was only partly because of the coffee. It was also partly because of touching residues. However, sometime near morning, after the sky started brightening, there was a period of time when I can't remember anything, which means I fell asleep. I woke up a while later and I'm not sure how long I was asleep. It was not very long. It was maybe two hours or less.

This was a test. So I will have to make it more comfortable and also troubleshoot the things I have to touch that have residues on them. I will need to cover some areas up or find ways to get in and out without touching them.

The ice in my icebox lasted about a day and a half. I got it on Tuesday afternoon, and it lasted through that night, then all of Wednesday and overnight last night, and this morning it's a very cold pool of water with a few ice cubes left in it. (In spite of the loud "crack" it made the other day, it's not leaking yet.) It was longer than 24 hours but less than 48 hours. It's still cold and if I had food in there it would still be okay right now. The water stays cold until all the ice is gone. I will probably have a thermometer in there eventually. However, when the icebox gets put in my hot car instead of my slightly less hot apartment where it is now, the ice will melt faster.

The challenge eventually is to learn to eat foods that are kept at room temperature. I'm not just talking about dry crackers though. I'm also thinking of the Weston Price books and websites where they talk about fermenting foods and that kind of thing. The only lacto-fermented food I tried was kimchi, and it made me get the urge to vomit. It tasted good, and it was okay at first, but a few minutes later, as it moved from the stomach into the intestine, that's when it triggered the vomit reflex. For some reason my intestines did not like it, although my stomach was okay with it. So I'm going to assume that, as usual, the Weston Price people are talking about things that I can't do. It needs troubleshooting.

I also haven't found "bath territory" yet. I know which gas stations have the right kind of restrooms, a private single person room with a locking door. But I haven't actually tried doing it to see what it feels like. I'll need a bag with all my clothes and towels in it. Taking a bath from a sink is not as good as a hot shower. The hot shower washes the skin of your entire body. Showering reduces edema, water retention, which I sometimes get mildly. My eyes are less puffy after a shower, but if I only wash my face with a cloth, the eyes are still puffy. I'm not sure how and why the shower reduces my edema. I will probably bathe in a creek for real, too, after I find territory. But I won't do that every day.

It's weird the idea of claiming territory. I won't be owning a home or renting an apartment. So I am squatting on land that other people own. I've read on the net that some places tolerate parked cars overnight, like Wal-Mart. I will find these territories where I am either tolerated or hidden. I'd like to sleep someplace with fresh air from the trees and vegetation and water. My windows will let in the fresh air and it will make me feel good when I wake up. I always feel better waking up with fresh air than I do with moldy indoor air or hot heated dry air without enough negative ions in it, like the air is in the winter. Air without negative ions makes my body hurt all over in the winter. People often think negative ions are the BAD ones, but actually positive ions are bad and negative ions are good. You just have to memorize it.

It's strange, but camping in my car won't be that different from all the other uncomfortable places I've slept the past few years. And I already don't do grooming the way other people do, so I won't even notice if, for instance, I go a day without washing my hair. I already don't use shampoo, just water.

I wonder how most long distance hikers wash their hair? They need shampoo to prevent the formation of dreadlocks. They must use some kind of soap or shampoo that is safe for the environment, as it will be washing into the streams where they bathe. That won't even be a problem for me.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Disposable infrastructure

I'm sitting at Tudek Park writing on my iPod. I just went to the UPS Store and set up my mailbox.

I had been feeling unable to do any more packing, because everything else that I had left would "cut to the bone" if I removed it. For instance, my bed and my little fridge. However, I turned off the fridge and I'm defrosting it, and this morning, I disposed of my disposable bed.

After I contaminated my mattress years ago, I refused to buy any more mattresses. So I have slept on a foam mat on the floor, on top of sheets of cardboard. I threw that all away today - it's gradually gotten contaminated and just plain dirty. I won't have any place to sleep tonight. This is like the leap of faith. I just don't have a bed now.

Also, today I put my netbook in storage so that I would quit fooling around on the net all day instead of packing. I did that first thing this morning as soon as I got up, because it was important to actually start working today. I was using the net more than ever before, because it was a high speed wireless connection. So I was watching YouTube videos and stuff that I've been deprived of all these years because I was on dialup.

I really don't have much left. It was "sacred" infrastructure, like the bed, that made me feel like I had a whole lot of stuff left. So I just jumped in and destroyed the sacred infrastructure.

All of this is going on while the government debates about their debt limit. My own "austerity measures" are beginning. We ordinary people are poor because the government is taking away our money, in taxes, and indirectly by controlling the value of the dollar, and by lending people money at low interest rates. We shouldn't have to be poor.

However, poor or not, I still want the challenge of self-reliance. I just want to do it. I want to be challenged to find new ways to do my routines. I can't wait till the end of next month, when I will have a couple weeks' worth of paychecks in the bank, and none of it will have been spent on rent. I will have to decide exactly what I will do with the money, and when, and in what order.

I'm amused thinking of a blog I wrote several weeks ago where I said that the hardest part about all this was "deciding what I would do with all the money." It was a joke, like I'm going to be hugely rich and I'll need a big vault to put all my money in and I'll hire armed guards, and I'll make sure that the Fast and the Furious people don't yank the entire vault out of the wall and drag it down the highway and violate the laws of physics, as the vault was so heavy it would have yanked their cars in the opposite direction every time they went around a curve. Yes, I watched "Fast 5." And the vault-dragging scene, the climax of the entire movie, was TOTALLY IMPOSSIBLE and it broke about a dozen of Newton's laws.

Anyway, I will be living in my car and saving up money. But not only will I be saving the money I would have spent on rent, I also will avoid contaminating yet another new apartment. The contamination will end. It will stay where it is until I get rid of it completely.

There's nothing I can do. The landlady said that she will have the carpet shampooed by professionals. I didn't try to explain anything about my past experiences with trying to remove ephedra from carpet. I haven't even told her much except that I'm chemical sensitive and "allergic" to some things. It's too complicated to explain, and no one believes me. So I can't tell her that in my opinion, the entire carpet and also the vinyl kitchen and bathroom floors should be totally removed and destroyed and replaced, instead of shampooed.

I want a house with a dirt floor. Dirt is disposable. As a result, it's the "cleanest" type of flooring you can possibly have. If the floor is easily disposable, then contamination never builds up. You just sweep out the old dirt and pour new dirt on top. Dirt is clean. That's my new housing code. The modern culture's idea of the "worst case scenario" in housing is a cottage with a dirt floor. It is the very definition of "bad." I am redefining it as "good."

About male INFJs: I was hearing voices today who said Peter was an EII, not an ESI. They argued that Peter was interested in religion, and he had a sort of universalized point of view, where he looked at all the different religions and noticed things they had in common.

They also suggested that my teen boyfriend Terry was an EII, but an unhealthy, drug-using one who was being abused at home and who also had Tourette's syndrome. We were always fighting, and yet I loved Terry more than anyone I had ever met before and any guy I've been with since then.

My feelings for Peter might have been stronger if he weren't on drugs, because the secondhand drugs made me numb and apathetic and drowsy whenever we touched each other. I'm still not certain if he was an EII. (I'm not really seeing Peter now. We talk rarely. I've been separating from him.) But I am sure enough that he's either an ESI or an EII. I had assumed he was an ESI for sure all this time. It was only today that "they" suggested differently.

There are some benefits to an activator relationship. You have one rational and one irrational. One of them makes decisions quickly and pushes the other one to take action. The other one perceives the situation more fully and adds a deeper understanding before taking action. Both approaches are useful. But you are more relaxed with your dual, as you both make decisions the same way.

I can't wait to meet people. I am so tired of being completely alone.