I overdosed on ENFps today.

10:53 PM 3/1/11

Well, here is what I did today. I talked for several hours on the phone to an ENFp guy who responded to my ad asking for ENFps. This was the first phone conversation that I have had with them. I haven't talked on the phone yet to the other ENFp that has been emailing me.

I thought I was exhausted after that. But then I went online and I read what's-his-face's blog again, The Socionist, and he mentioned something about his activator being an LSE (did I get that right?  Now I'm all confused.  Maybe that wasn't what he said?  Now I'm probably totally wrong about all of this and I will write a big retraction tomorrow explaining that I totally misunderstood everything). So after a moment of confusion, I figured out that he is an ENFp, which explains why I had this desperate, intense, frantic desire to tell him infinite amounts of stuff at once, and why I was feeling that way from the very first moment that I started reading his web pages. I forget which web page I came from - it was socionics.com or socionics.us or something, and he is either the author of that page, or one author contributing to it.

Meanwhile, I am also having a drug residue reaction today, which has increased my excitement level and intensity level.

So I had to go write an inappropriate comment on his blog suggesting something to the effect of me wanting to have his ten children, or something like that, although that's not exactly what I wrote, lol.

Then he has also written about ascetiscism. He doesn't watch TV, he doesn't use a car, (and I'm jumping up and down frantically while reading this because these are all things that I agree with and want to do), they eat a healthy diet (I think he said he was married, and it doesn't matter, he is in Ukraine I think, I will never meet him), he doesn't have an internet connection at home! who does that sound like! I have gone through several phases of rejecting the internet and not having it at home, on purpose or by accident, and being happy about it not being there... He said all this stuff that I totally agree with.

What does this mean to me - well, first, after I clean up the drug residue that is triggering the reaction, I will calm down and go back to normal, but my brain is all overstimulated after talking on the phone several hours and then going online and reading even more material written by another dual who I didn't know was a dual. What it means to me is that there are people out there, people who exist, who agree with almost everything that I believe, everything that matters to me, everything that is important to me, and I know a 'secret code' that can help me find these people, and that if one person is like that, then others will be too, and I can find them. I don't have this much of an intense reaction to the guy I was talking to on the phone - my intense reaction was to the blog I was reading, after having already been on the phone several hours. I know that I will not meet this particular person, so I tell myself that if he exists, then someone else must exist too, and I know what I need to do to find them.

I will be back to normal after I clean off the drug and go get some sleep.

On the phone with the one guy he had said we should force ourselves to try to have an argument about something. I couldn't think of anything, but in reality, there are major things that I would argue about. I said that if we had children, then I would respond with physical violence if somebody tried to take my son away to get him circumcised - I would physically fight violently to prevent them from taking him. I would be screaming and hitting and biting like an animal. He agreed with my spirit on that, and said that he himself had had his son circumcised and had been there when it happened, and heard his son screaming. He said that in that situation, his grandfather (or some relative, I forget) had insisted that the son be circumcised.

There are other things now that I will argue about, in addition to circumcision. My arguments are about children, about their physical bodies. I got overexcited after reading that blog because it said to me that someone out there in the universe agrees with me about a lot of very important life-or-death things. There are more things that he did not write about (at The Socionist), which I thought of after getting off the phone with the one guy.

1. No vaccines for children or adults or anyone. This becomes a major issue, because it leads to: no public school. Public schools require vaccination, as far as I know. Retmeishka is an intentional religion, and one of the purposes of this intentional religion is to put strength behind us when we talk to the government and say things like 'My religion forbids me to vaccinate my children,' and 'My religion forbids people to be drafted into the army,' and things like that.

2. Do not give birth in a hospital. Make plans for what you will do if there is a life-threatening emergency. If there is no emergency, give birth at home. Breastfeeding is required and there is no alternative of any kind. Ignore anyone who says that this or that particular formula recipe is a good one. Find a wet nurse ahead of time to support you if there is difficulty.

3. Never give anyone dental fillings of any kind. There is no safe type of dental filling - all of them are extremely harmful, although mercury fillings are the worst. Do not use dental fillings at all. Use dietary methods to get rid of cavities and prevent them in the first place. Do not use orthodontics. Do not remove any permanent teeth, or any teeth at all unless they fall out by themselves.

I'm sure there are more that I'll think of.

It was the ascetiscism blog that excited me the most. I need to find a dual who agrees with me about all of those things, and lives nearby, and finds me physically attractive, who I also find attractive, who wants to have children with me. This is an almost total rejection of modern culture, an extreme lifestyle, and SOMEONE ELSE AGREES WITH ME ABOUT THIS!!! My brain is fried after too much dualism for too many hours. I don't even have enough energy left in me to write an email to the other guy who is expecting an email from me - I will have to do it later tonight or tomorrow morning or sometime.

Ichazo's instinctual stackings, 'info from the underground,' that website - the self-pres/social stacking is what I think I have. But then what's-his-name says that the SLI's 'type message' is 'live a healthy lifestyle,' that kind of thing - but I think that depends on your instinctual stacking. And I totally agree with it, too - that's the best description of my message that I saw. I should go chill. I also think that I might possibly be ovulating or getting ready to ovulate, because all of a sudden everything is all about having babies, for the past day or so.

Male INFj (EII) type - my socionics activity relationship

11:34 AM 2/27/11

6-28-11 Well, yet another person has google searched for 'male INFJ' and read this post today.  I've decided this is probably my Worst Post Ever, yet one of the most frequently read.  Perhaps I should rewrite an entirely new post from scratch, after having searched for and found and interacted with some real-world examples of INFJ men.  I'm sorry, but this post is just so bad it's hardly even worth reading.

*****6/21/11 Disclaimer:  I'm editing this post.  It's one of my most frequently viewed posts, and a lot of people are finding it by google searching for "male INFJ" and things like that.  Unfortunately, when I read this post several months after having written it, I see that a lot of the stuff in it is wrong (or, I've changed my mind about it), and that's a shame because a lot of people are reading this and probably taking it seriously, as though I have authority.  In fact, I would describe this as one of my 'worst posts ever' in terms of information qualtity!  I am ashamed of this post, yet hundreds of people are finding it and reading it. So, take this post as being something that I wrote while still learning about socionics, during a time when I was learning new things and changing my beliefs about a lot of things that I had known for a long time.  I've known about personality types since the early 1990s, but I've only recently been learning a lot more about them, and I no longer believe a lot of things I used to believe.*****

Now that I am paying attention to socionics relations, I am looking for male INFjs, or EIIs (Ethical Intuitive Intratims) and noticing how I feel with them. I have several examples that I suspect are EII. (I am trying to teach myself to use the socionics initials as well as the MBTI initials.)

Author Warren Farrell, who writes about masculism

Steve Godfrey, the 'reluctant medium' who I heard on a radio show last night. He was talking about soulmates.  (*Edit:  He might be an IEE.  The IEE (ENFP) type and the EII (INFJ) type have a lot in common, but it's hard to explain why unless I talk about 'functions.'*)

Author of The Socionist at http://socionist.blogspot.com/. (*Edit, nope, it turns out he's an ENFP, or an IEE in socionics. Some of these other people might actually be ENFps too.*)

It's possible that Weston Price could have been one of these, too. I'm not sure what he was. Or he could have been an ISTp. Whatever Weston Price was, I feel that I strongly relate to him and connect with him too.  (*Edit, no, not likely to have been an INFJ.  What was I smoking when I wrote this post???*)

A new one:  I just watched 'Super 8,' the movie, and I think Joe Lamb is probably an EII, and the writer of the movie might be an EII too.  That movie values introverted sensing, which is something that people in the delta quadra value, and EII is in the delta quadra in socionics.  When I say 'they value introverted sensing,' I mean, they pay attention to, and have a lot of sympathy for, someone's health and comfort.  For instance there are lines in the movie such as 'He's terrified and hungry and he wants to go home.'  This is being said by people who value someone's health and comfort, people who view 'the enemy' as being not really an enemy, but just another vulnerable creature that has its own needs, something that you can feel sorry for.  (I hope that doesn't give too much away, if you're planning to see that movie sometime.)

It's easiest to find them when they are authors.  (*Edit, apparently not, since I'm still having trouble thinking of examples of them from books I've read!  I seem to recall that somebody somewhere said that Steven King was an INFJ, but I could be remembering wrong.  Now that I think about it, I also recall reading that he was an INFP.*)

I think I interacted several times with a male INFj on the typology central forum, and we had the 'so much to say that we can't say it all' problem, and a sort of exhausted overloaded feeling. That's the activity relationship. I'm just guessing he was an INFj based on my interactions with him.

My best friend in college, Valencia, might have been an INFj. She sometimes typed as that, and sometimes as an ENFj. We were very good friends, spent a huge amount of time together, and laughed endlessly, so she was probably my activator, and not my blood feud mortal enemy the ENFj. (*Edit... One of my old classmates in school, I have figured out, is probably an ENFJ.  She wasn't a 'mortal enemy' in any way.  She was just somebody who I had a hard time understanding.  If we talked to each other, it was hard for us to think of anything to say.  The conversation didn't flow easily - it was a strain.  I'm learning more about socionic intertype relations, and it isn't as straightforward as 'this person is your enemy.'*)

(I don't really know if they would actually be my enemy or not. I haven't interacted with lots of ENFjs, or read things they've written, to find out. Ayn Rand's character was typed as an ESTp on one of the socionics sites that I visited, but she could have been an ISTp. (I looked at this a few more times and I think they might be right - she could be an ESTp. It's interesting that her books appeal to a lot of ISTps.) (*Note: Some socionists type her as LSI, or ISTJ.*) Everyone else types her as an intuitive. Anyway, the point is that somewhere else, I saw Ellsworth Toohey, the really bad character in Ayn Rand's book The Fountainhead, typed as an ENFj, so that might suggest Rand was an ISTp and she was aware of who her enemy was (and I could be totally, totally wrong about all of this, too). Also, I saw Draco Malfoy typed somewhere as an ENFj. These are books that appeal to ISTps (note, I shouldn't even say that - they actually appeal to lots of different people). 'The Enemy' in those books is often the ENFj, if they are typed correctly. The Beta Quadrant is the 'Slytherin' quadrant from the point of view of a Delta quadrant member, if we see ourselves as Griffindor.)  (*Edit... When I said that 'almost everything in this post is wrong,' I meant it!  You can't connect the four houses of Hogwarts to the four quadras of socionics.  It just doesn't work.  They don't match.  Don't do it.  The end!*)

What happens when I read or hear these people, the INFj (EII) is that I react with a strong desire to 'tell them something' or 'give them an important message.' I know something important that I think they would want to know about. I feel that I have a thousand things to say and I can't say them all at once. This should be an 'activator' or 'activity' relationship, if I have corrected typed them.  (*Edit... This might have turned out to be happening when I was talking to ENFPs, not INFJs.*)

The dual of an EII (INFj) is the LSE (ESTj). This would be a woman who is a boss or manager or CEO of a company, or someone who wants to be that, but feels frustrated by women's lower status in society, someone who tends to be a feminist and has a hard time finding men who get along with her. But I haven't yet learned how to distinguish between a type and its lookalike - I can confuse an ESTj with an ENTj. I'd have to interact more with them to learn how to recognize the feel of them.  (*Argh... No, they're not 'bossy' in that way.  Extraverted sensing, or Se, is not the same as Te, extraverted logic.  An ESTJ doesn't 'push people around' in the same way that an ESTP does.  I was totally having a hard time telling the difference between various ST personality types, but I'm getting better at it now.  I think that all of the female coworkers of mine are actually SLE (ESTP), not ESTJ as I originally thought they were!*)

I think I know of two possible ESTj females where I work. Maybe three of them. They tend to boss other people around, but they also get disrespected because they are inferior - they have the 'I'm bossing you around but you're not listening to me because I'm a woman' phenomenon. I get along relatively well with them and I can see their feelings easily. They are my 'mirror' relation.  (*It turns out they were ESTPs, and I can understand them because they are similar to myself in a lot of ways, as I am an ISTP.*)

Male INFjs are relatively rare. But then again, everything that I like is relatively rare! (*This is one statement that I still agree with.  I don't find many intuitives at all, but it's mostly because I work at McDonald's, and all the intuitives are working at other jobs that let them use their strengths.  McDonald's is a very physical environment, and most (not all) of the employees there are sensors.  So I am surrounded by sensors all day long and I rarely see intuitives, but they might be plentiful elsewhere.  So they might be rare for real, or else they might just be located someplace other than where I am.*)

Now I can compare Martin's writing style with some other people's. I still have these old emails.

I have two ENFps that I am emailing now after placing an ad that requested ENFps. I don't know their enneagram types. The one that I thought was a Six is probably a Three. His predominant mood or recurring theme is: laughing at humiliating disasters and things gone horribly wrong; failures; being mortified. This theme has come up several times in his jokes. That is similar to something that I myself do and it's a Three theme. He has an energetic and bright feeling.

The other ENFp is giving off a sort of dull, moody, depressed, resigned, softer feeling. There is a feeling of grief and distrust and a slowness in opening up. He doesn't seem dark like a Four. I do still think he's a Nine, but I could be wrong. He seems to be oriented towards making things safer and comfortable, while also having trouble getting moving on a goal. He writes fewer words per letter. The other one writes a large number of words in a letter, just as I do, so we are writing very long high-density letters back and forth to each other.

So then I had to look on the PersonalityCafe forum - I'm not registered there yet, but I look at it because it has a higher population, more people than the one where I did end up registering, and I didn't think of that when I chose almost at random which one I would sign up for. I read a post by a male ENFp who was expressing some insecurity about his almost-gayness, while saying he wasn't gay, but he was a gentle effeminate kind of guy and had all the feminine traits instead of the typical masculine ones, and while I was reading this, I was extremely excited and saying 'will you marry me?' I wasn't registered there, but I had all these answers that I wanted to say, and none of the people replying to his message did a good enough job of it, and I knew I could answer everything and add a lot to it. But alas, it was posted a long time ago, not recently, in October 2009, and he also didn't post very many times either, so he must have gotten dissatisfied and left. I have a long history of falling in love with gay-ish guys, and reading 'I'm not really gay but it seems like I would be because blah blah blah' is a guaranteed way to make me say 'OMG! I want to meet you!' So I had a strong reaction to that person.

So then I had to look at Martin's emails. Now that I have been reading things written by ENFps, I have a better idea what to look for. It's possible he might actually be one and that was the reason why I felt the way I did. He told me he originally wanted to go into journalism, but decided not to, and journalism is the stereotype of ENFps - one of the names commonly given for that personality type is 'The Reporter.'

This is a nostalgia moment. I remember how I felt when he and I talked on the phone that one time. I remember the night that I hugged him. I have to keep trying with this - not with him in particular, but with the 'look for ENFps' theory. It really does seem to be working. I am not looking for specific enneagram types because it's hard enough to locate ENFps as it is without limiting it even further. But the enneagram type matters and I am wondering about how to find a Four. I am wondering if Fours are the ones that I like the most. They say there is an attraction between Threes and Fives, also.

I had to go look at Martin again though while this research was going on. Apparently, he is buried underneath a 'blanket of snow.' That's my interpretation.

Personality type tests must be right the first time, every time, for everybody, as though your life depended on knowing the correct answer.

I want to see a socionics test that assumes it's life or death important for you to get the correct answer the first time, every time, for everybody who takes the test. 100% accurate, reliable, consistent results, for everybody. I want the test to assume that you will walk out of this room and use this information to make a decision that your life depends on, and you MUST get it right the first time.

Socionics duals are real, but you won't find one if you are not typed correctly. If you are even one letter off, you won't get an exact duality. I think that I am talking to a dual and a semi-dual, an ENTp, in my two emails. The ENTp believes himself to be an ENFp, but he is quite different from the other person I am talking to. There was a 'hearing voices' incident where I heard someone say 'deficient duality' after I read one of the emails, and I had just been reading about semi-duals. You can have good conversations and a lot to say, but you are lacking something that you will find in your dual.

I wouldn't have known which people to look for if I were still floundering in my incorrect label of INTP, INTJ, and INFP as I was in the beginning when I first took the test. The test is EXTREMELY IMPORTANT. I would even say it's worth paying money to go see someone and have them decide what type you are, except I've never tried that before, and since I know my type, I would have to deliberately test them and refuse to tell them what I know, in order to find out whether they are able to guess it by interacting with me and testing me in some other way.

It seems as though the tests don't really care if they make a few mistakes. I want them to care about this as though your life depends on it. NO MISTAKES EVER. Right the first time every time for everybody, and you get the same answer again if you take the test again. The test must be foolproof and unhackable. I can't take tests anymore easily because I know what the questions are asking about, and I answer them according to whatever I believe I am at the time, whatever I think I 'should' say. The tests must be designed so that they do not use self-description or self-observation to give you your type. You must have a task designed in such a way that only your type can succeed in the task. Only one type can do each task.

One of the best ways to test who you are is to find your dual and your semi-dual and interact with them. You can also find the duals for a couple other types that you suspect you might be.

Finding a dual is the only worthwhile way to meet people and fall in love... everything else seems like a waste of time. I feel sorry for people who don't find one and don't know how to look - it bothers me that this isn't common knowledge. People find them by stumbling across them by accident, and only if they are in a school or college or someplace where lots of different types of people are together. In our jobs, we are isolated from different types of people, because the same types tend to cluster in one job environment. So, after school is over, you never get any more chances to meet people who are not at all like yourself. Then, people either marry someone that they have lukewarm feelings for, or they date people they have lukewarm feelings for, and they don't experience love.

I want to see reliable tests. 100% accurate, the first time, every time, for everybody.

Socionics Duality Relationships again. This is the second time in 24 hours that I have been thinking I need a database record instead of a search filter!

What's going on with this?

First, I was thinking that I wanted to:

1. search blogs by location, to find USERS who lived in a particular area, THEN

2. search the USERS' blogs by some other keywords, so that I could find:

RESULT: Everyone blogging about electronic harassment in the state of Pennsylvania.

There is no 'user location' in Wordpress, as far as I know. You would have to create some way of finding the bloggers' locations. Once, I tried just searching for the word 'Pennsylvania' or 'PA' somewhere in people's blogs. I think I was looking in MySpace, too, trying to search for keywords in blogs on MySpace.

I need my information to 'stick together.' When you filter something, it falls apart. hahahaha but it's true, those are intuitive descriptions of what happens. Database records stick together as a whole unit and it doesn't forget what you originally found.

I tried once, as I said, searching for people who mentioned the word 'Pennsylvania' in their blog. If I tried to search within those results, it would try looking on the SAME PAGE as the word 'Pennsylvania.' I don't want to look on the same page in someone's blog. They might have mentioned Pennsylvania on an 'About Me' page. They might mention 'electronic harassment' on a totally different page. Therefore, I do not want to look in the same set of results. I want to look in the RECORDS that are 'sticking together' - all of the pages written by the users whose blogs came up in the first search.

That was the first incident of wanting a record instead of a filter.

Then today it happened again.

And now that I'm thinking of this, after messing around with Propellerheads Reason the other day, I'm thinking about sound filters now, and I'm wondering if the 'record versus filter' concept can be applied to sound filters. So instead of filtering sound (for music synthesizers) you would 'search for records' in sound. That reminds me of voice recognition, or pulling out the sound of one instrument out of a lot of background noise, somehow recognizing which instrument is the flute, which instrument is the drum, and which voice is the singer, when they are all blended together. You somehow follow that sound constantly and continue to recognize it the whole time as a unique, sticking-together 'thing' with an identity.

Anyway, the 'needing a record' incident happened again today. I wanted to filter my gmail so that everything from Craigslist would get sent into one folder. I might be able to make a filter do that if I say that everything directed at the anonymous Craigslist address, the random gibberish letters and numbers they assign to you if you want to be anonymous, should get sent to a particular folder. However, after you reply to that email, you start sending it back and forth from your real email, not the anonymous one. So the next bunch of emails would default to going back to the usual inbox. I could set it up to have a 'reply to' address, and then make a folder that receives everything sent to that address, except that that address is static - it's always the same. CL assigns a random new one every time, so I would have to detect that random new one. I might still be able to use a 'reply to' address though... maybe...

Anyway I wanted a 'record' of who had come from Craigslist. I have a bunch of different emails and I'm trying to separate them from things like 'Someone on facebook commented about so-and-so!' messages.

I think one of the people I'm writing to, who calls himself an ENFp, is actually an ENTp. I 'heard voices' after reading one of his emails, while I had just been reading about the socionics relationships. The voice said 'deficient duality,' which means he is a semi-dual, an ENTp. Those can be good relationships, but not completely fulfilling. And they think Carrie is an ESFp, which is Curtis's Illusionary relationship, not a duality. (Professor Trelawney says, 'I see something, something dark....' In other words, their relationship might not last or be as strong as one might wish.)

The not-an-ENFp guy is the one who reminded me of Sam from high school. So that would make them both ENTps. This guy also reminded me of Scott Adams, the Dilbert cartoonist, so he might be an ENTp too. I've read SA's blog. This email guy made jokes and I thought they were funny, but his jokes strongly reminded me of something Scott Adams might say. He was talking about how many bad decisions had been made by drunk people (after I said I don't drink or party), and then described a couple of disastrous situations happening to famous historical figures and celebrities, and each time, the person said 'Here, hold my beer, and watch this...' and then the disaster happens. It was funny, but I would swear I was talking to Scott Adams.

I am going to mention to this guy that I think he might be an ENTp, not an ENFp, and I will show him something written by an ISFp, his dual. I want people to find their duals, now that I know about this. I really care about the fact that a lot of people haven't experienced a duality relationship. Again, the tests need to be perfected so that they give consistent, reliable, accurate results, and I want this to matter as much as if it were life or death, as if lives depended on getting an accurate answer. Right now it's as though it 'doesn't really matter' if you get an inaccurate answer from a personality type test, because nobody is going to drop dead this instant if it's wrong. But I want the tests to have extremely strict standards that say, 'It IS life or death! Get it right the first time! This is extremely important to know!'

I think that I am really lucky that I have experienced a duality relationship at least once in my life, with Rachael. It's unfortunate that she wasn't a guy. I think I might have known another guy who might have been an ENFp, but we were just friends, and he was more strongly attracted to me than I was to him - I found him physically unattractive :( . That's a shame too. We used to write letters for a while when I was in either middle school or high school. (Back when letters went into envelopes that had a stamp on the outside, and you wrote them using a pen and paper. I struggled to read his scrawly handwriting.)

Anyway I say I'm lucky because that relationship programmed me, forever, to recognize true love when it happens, and to recognize the absence of true love, too. That is why I haven't gotten married, or at least part of the reason. I didn't try marrying anyone because I recognized early on that there was something missing or something wrong in the relationship, and part of the reason I could do that was because I had in the past experienced a truly satisfying relationship, which lasted for eleven years.

It is likely that I will have to look through church people, and I must be willing to tolerate belief in God. That is okay with me.

I was listening to God Radio either yesterday or the day before - yesterday? I'm confused. They were playing a radio theatre thing, from lamplighter.net (the real URL is http://www.lamplighterpublishing.com/). It was about some people living up in the mountains with their herds of goats, and the kid and his grandfather had to go looking for the father who had gone missing with the herd. These people reminded me of NFs. I'm not sure if they really were - I've decided that I almost always type people wrong. Maybe they were ISFps. But anyway if I can tolerate someone's 'irrational beliefs' then I will get the benefit of everything else that their personality can offer me.

I'll say this again, I want somebody to make personality tests that act as though your life depended on getting exactly the right answer the very first time, as though you would walk out of that room and use the information right there to make a life or death decision. And of course I want these tests to be free and online, not something you have to pay a bunch of experts to do. They have to be some kind of user-made, open-source type of thing, because there's no way any of us could fight against the group of people who 'own' the official Myers-Briggs Type Indicator copyright, and tell them that their test is giving drastically, horribly wrong results, which discredits the entire personality theory! If people get horribly wrong results, they conclude that personality types don't exist, the theory is bullcrap, testing doesn't work, it's all just another horoscope, and so on. Then they lose all the valuable benefits they could gain by knowing ACCURATELY what their own type is, and what type to seek in a mate, which would reduce divorces, and reducing the number of divorces is a good thing. I am trying to say that personality types are NOT just another horoscope, they are real and extremely important, but the lousy tests totally discredit the idea and make a lot of people not believe in it.

I am going to get used to referring to Socionics more than I refer to 'Myers-Briggs.' That will draw attention away from the system that seems more flawed or misleading to me, towards the one that I think is better. But I have to get used to that, because I've been calling it the Myers-Briggs ever since I first discovered it in the early 1990s in college. Socionics is less well known in the USA, and better known in Russia. This reflects very favorably on Russia to me. Thank you Russia. Or Lithuania, or whichever place the person was actually from. I'll have to go look it up again.

Shoutout: Where all my ENFps at?

I need to know which professions they go into, which social groups they hang out with, which websites they visit, which movies and TV shows they like, which secret code words they recognize, and everything that will help me find them. When I find them, I still have to get past the physical attraction barrier. That is hard for me because of my obsession with long hair and my intense dislike for looking at or touching short-haired, clean-shaven men. This is a sincere dislike and I can't just push the 'off' button to make myself stop disliking that. I don't want to marry someone who I find untouchable.

The ENFp who really seems to be accurately typed, in my email, is 53 years old, I think he said. He showed me a family photo. He looks quite young. They are all normal looking and clean shaven. But the photo is funny, it looks exactly like something that would be in 'Awkward Family Photos.' I swear it looks exactly like that. It reminded me of some of the ridiculous and awkward things people did in those pictures, like a whole family piling up on top of each other for the photo. They're not doing anything weird in the photo, just standing there together in the awkward portrait positions with their awkward portrait smiles, but there is something about their facial expressions and body language that just screams 'AWKWARD FAMILY PHOTOS' to me! I recognize them. This is the suspected enneatype Nine ENFp.

I might post this now.... I'm still thinking and I'm not quite done yet, so who knows, I might post two or three more blogs later on if I'm still thinking.

About socionics dual relationships. This insulting blog should chase away all of my readers forever. Muahahahaha!

3:05 AM 2/20/11

A few weeks ago I looked up 'socionics' because 'they' urged me to look it up. I didn't look it up because I thought to look it up on my own. It was them. I had heard of it before, I had read the word, but I wasn't that curious about it.

I have wanted to know which type I should get with if I want to have a stable, long-term love relationship, where we don't get divorced later on after having kids. That hasn't been easy to figure out, partly because I keep changing my own type (when 'they' tell me to - but yes, I agreed with them when they suggested I was either an ISTP or ISFP).

Most of the tests are terrible - I believe that they mistype a HUGE number of people, and not just a minor mistyping, but a drastic mistyping, telling you totally the wrong thing, not even in the ballpark. This makes some people conclude that there is no such thing as personality type! And that is a regrettable loss, because knowledge of personality types is extremely useful.

I want someone to fix this by creating tests that make you *do* things that only your type can do well - you demonstrate that you are that type, because no other type can do what you can do.

The tests don't work well if you have to use self-description to choose the answers on the tests. You don't know yourself well enough to accurately describe yourself, you can't see the truth about yourself, you can only see the wishful thinking beliefs about who you think you are or who you want to be or who other people told you you should be. It's EVEN HARDER if you've been reading about personality types for a couple decades, as I have been! because when I take a test now, I always have some idea what it is that the test questions are testing for, and since I already believed that I was a particular type, I tended to 'try' to get that type by answering the questions 'correctly.' I had been brainwashed to think I was that type, and I had to try to get that answer when I took a test.

One of the questions on the tests that I took recently, which gave me some doubts about being an F type, was: Do you automatically know how to cheer up the people around you or change their moods? I forget the exact words of the questions. But no, I don't. If other people around me are in a bad mood, I can express some sympathy for them but I don't know how to make people laugh, for instance. I don't automatically do the right things to cheer people up, but yet, I know exactly what that question is talking about, because I see people who do that easily, and I know that I can't. I noticed that question because I had never seen it before on any previous tests, so it was new, unfamiliar, and unexpected. It gave me a new way of looking at things.

It's extremely important that the tests give you accurate results if you are going to try to use them to find a love relationship. If you have the wrong type, and you are searching for the wrong type because you believe that person will be good for you, then the whole process is impossible and frustrating and totally wrong. For instance, when I thought I was an ISFP, I thought that I should look for an ESTJ, because of some theories that I no longer agree with. Not only was I mistyped, I was also using a theory that I no longer agree with. If I had gotten a good match, it would have been random chance. (The theory I was using says: Change all of the letters except the S/N. In Socionics, it says, change all of the letters except the J/P. So if I really had been an ISFp, I would have looked for an ENTp with the socionics theory.)

I took a small socionics test that had only eight questions, first. It said I was an ISTp. (In Socionics, they lowercase-ize the p or j at the end. Or you can use the socionics letters SLI, same thing.) I thought it was probably wrong because it had only eight questions. :) Apparently 'they' decided it was right, because it was shortly after that that they decided to put me back in ISTp.

It's also helpful to know your enneagram type correctly. The socionics type is more important - that comes first - but after that, the enneagram type influences which person you will like most out of a set of results. If you're an ISTp and you find ten different ENFps, then the enneagram type is probably the reason why you have one favorite out of that group. The enneagram web pages talk about how some of the type pairs have a special chemistry that seems to be stronger than the other pairings. They say that all types can get along, but yet, some seem to be more strongly drawn together. It's my understanding that if I am a Three (for real, and not just as the result of a typing error), then I might tend to like Fours and Fives.

You have to get past the idea that particular Myers-Briggs types 'aren't allowed' to be a particular enneagram type. Or the idea that there is a correlation between the enneagram types and the Myers-Briggs types. (Like 'All Eights are ENTJs,' or something. There are other types that can be Eights.)

Socionics doesn't just stop after figuring out which type you would fall in love with as your soul mate - your 'dual.' They also describe each of the relationships you have with all the other types.

Now, I have seen some sort of thing where other people in the 'Jungian Types School' had some names for your relationships with your other Jungian functions, but it wasn't very clear to me what they were talking about. They had some archetype names for what that function means to you, like 'the jester' or something like that, or 'the devil,' for instance, for some of the relationships you have with your shadow functions. Like, a relationship between you and one of your functions. It wasn't clear that this would also be a relationship between you and other types out in the world.

Socionics made a name for the relationships between you and all sixteen of the types. Your relationship with your own type is called 'Identity,' and it's actually just below 'Dual' (your soulmate) in terms of relationship quality. Dual is first, and Identity is just below that. So you like people who are exactly like yourself, too. The Identity relationships tend to be a teacher-student relationship if you are two different ages, like a parent and child. You might feel competitive against your Identity in a social environment if you were the same age and same sex.

I've been having a reaction to one of my co-workers who I never worked with much in the past, but have been working with recently because they've been scheduling me to work earlier in the day. I never knew her much at all. Now that I've been working with her, I've gotten annoyed with her several times because she does things the wrong way, but somehow it turns out to miraculously work out well anyway. You're supposed to follow certain procedures, and often, she doesn't follow them. My 'wrong' detector goes off, and I get annoyed with her for doing something wrong, but then I see that the result she gets is BETTER than if she had done it the right way. So I slyly, secretly copy her 'wrong' way of doing things (not all the time, but sometimes, because there are some things that irritate me so badly I don't want to do them). She seems somehow stupid and smart at the same time. I decided she is probably my identity, an ISTp. She is slightly competitive and threatening to me, and I get kind of jealous of her sometimes. She is also kind of annoying. But we seem to understand each other.

Curtis and I are 'Identity.' He is most likely an ISTp. (I will be very annoyed if anybody tries to change this later and say that he isn't an ISTp.) He knows how to do things like install his own stereo and speakers into the car, and decorate the inside of the car with neon lights. As he is much younger than I am, and as he was a newly hired employee at Weis in the summer of 2009, I had a teacher/student relationship with him. I loved teaching him how to do things, and I loved helping him when he had problems. That was the most wonderful time period with us. After a while, I became sad, because he didn't need me to teach him anymore, and also, he moved to another shift earlier in the day and wasn't ever alone with me anymore. In the evenings, our two departments might have only one person working there at a time, so I would be alone in my department and he would be alone in his, and so he would come to me if there was a problem.

If personality types are hereditary, or if they tend to be, then it makes sense that you should have a good relationship with your Identity type, because many of your children might be that type. I had sort of a 'younger brother' feeling from him.

I don't know what type Martin was. He was unusual. I didn't interact with him enough, and we only had a couple of emails that were more than a few sentences long, before 'they' started forcing disasters to happen and making it impossible for us to communicate. I can't see what type he is. I enjoyed his writing style and I enjoyed reading his blog (which is no longer there).

I have recently placed an ad asking for ENFps. Lots of people answered it and told me what their type was, but they were all the wrong type. Only recently, I got two ENFps, finally. One of them seems to be an enneatype Nine and the other might be a Six. When I was reading one of the emails from the 'Six-Like Person' (since I don't know for sure), I was strongly reminded of my old friend Sam from public school. So Sam might be an ENFP type Six, and I never knew that.

How can I tell if these are the right people, when the test gives so many wrong results? Well, it doesn't give the wrong results to ENFps, ha ha. It DOES give the wrong results to sensors. Many sensors are mistyping as intuitives because of the way the questions are worded. I was typing as 'INTP,' 'INTJ,' and 'INFP' in the beginning.

If I still believed I was an INTP, and if I followed my previous type attraction theory (change all the letters except the N), it would have been a disaster according to the type I have today and the socionics theory. I would have tried looking for ENFJs. ENFJ is the WORST match for an ISTP in socionics. It seems strange - there's only one letter of difference between the very best and the very worst, ENFP and ENFJ. But that is how it is. You must know EXACTLY your correct type, and you must use the right theory of which types you are attracted to.

My best friend in the world, Rachael, was an ENFP. As soon as I learned about the Myers-Briggs types, and I read about the other types, I recognized her as ENFP. For us it was love at first sight. We were both in Gifted class in sixth grade and I think this was the first class session. I had never met her before. She started laughing about something. But she has one of those dorky laughs that sounds like a dying seal. 'Honk, honk, honk,' is the way she laughs. Like a classic dork on television. She really laughs like that for real. As soon as I heard her laughing, I started laughing at the way she laughed. It made me laugh uncontrollably, which made her laugh even harder, and it created a feedback loop. We both sat there laughing like morons for several minutes while the rest of the class silently watched us thinking we were crazy. That is how I fell in love at first sight with my old best friend Rachael.

Curtis and Carrie fell in love at first sight at a party. So I started wondering if she is an ENFP. I get along well with her, actually, and she says that she likes me (although she doesn't like some of the things that 'they' have been forcing me to do). This was depressing to me in a way, because I don't drink and I don't go to parties, so I can't go mingling with groups of people and falling in love at first sight at a party. The most I could do would be to go to a church, probably. I would find a lot of Type Nines there, and I don't really feel a strong attraction to Nines.

Unfortunately, it looks like some of the people I will be strongly attracted to will be the super-crazies. The uber-weirdos. I have a history of this. I was attracted to Terry at first sight. He was the guy I dated for several years in high school. He was a total wackjob and we fought constantly over nothing but we loved each other and I loved him more than I ever loved anyone before. The reason I say 'unfortunately' at the beginning is because these people are rare and hard to find. You can't just go into a group of people and find the weirdest person there. I am talking about people who are so extremely weird, you can't predict where on earth you will find them. I can say I will find lots of Nines in a church. But I can't say where I will find lots of weirdos. (A Harry Potter fan club with everyone wearing their costumes? I don't know. Maybe not. And I am a huge Harry Potter fan, but never have tried to join a group about it yet.)

The reason I was convinced about socionics so quickly was because I recognized that their description of Duality fit my relationship with Rachael, if I really am an ISTp. I have never dated large numbers of people, but every once in a while, someone special and unusual comes along that I am attracted to. And these people are almost always something similar to an ENFP.

It fit my relationship with an older guy named Joe who I was with for a short time in college. I was 23? and he was 41 and married. He was an intellectual guy but also very disorganized, and he was loving and kind and gentle, but also patronizing, and he used huge, abstract words that I had to look up in the dictionary, like 'confluence' - I learned the word 'confluence' from him, and I have always remembered that I learned the word 'confluence' from him.

I loved Justin the Rat when I was a child and I saw 'The Secret of Nimh.' I looked in that book when I went home to West Virginia in December, and Justin reminded me of an ENFP. He was a gentle hero who came to appreciate Mrs. Frisby's surprising strength and resourcefulness. I liked part of his dialogue where he was surprised by her, and told her he was surprised, sort of like 'I never realized how cool you were till now,' with admiration, seeing her for the first time, that kind of thing. I used to have a crush on Justin.

I'm wondering now if Bernard and Bianca on... what was that called? Bernard and Bianca the mouse on 'The Rescuers' might have been duals - she was more extraverted and he was introverted; he was a janitor; he was timid; she was adventurous; but I'm not sure of their types. (Cartoon characters were a lot more pleasant back then. Nowadays we are tortured by unbearably annoying characters like the Shrek Donkey, characters who have behavior problems that have become worse in the past few decades, like hyperactivity and autism, which are being caused by chemicals, vaccines, and malnutrition.)

In high school there was a guy who later turned out to be gay, but we dated for a while, and he had hundreds of videotapes of Japanese animation at a time in the past when we didn't have the internet as much as we do today, so I don't know where he heard about such an obscure thing. He was a weirdo.

My brother (ISTp) loved Ariel the Mermaid, who is often typed as an ENFp. Not all ENFps are as obvious as she is, especially if they're male, so I can't just go around looking for male mermaids who remind me of Ariel. If males are F, and if females are T, then they're harder to recognize than usual, because there are tendencies in the male brain and the male culture to act like a T, and tendencies in the female world to act like an F. Male and female personality types are different, and I would like to see a male and female version of every one of the descriptions, because the differences are significant. A male ENFp and a female ENFp are not exactly the same, and it's hard to recognize a 'feminine' type in a male or a 'masculine' type in a female. I read on one of the socionics pages that males tend to form hierarchies, where one person commands the others, and females tend to form egalitarian groups, where everyone is equal, and it tends to be this way no matter what their types are. And they have found more T types in males, and more F types in females. So I am a slightly rare type (not extremely rare, but slightly) and the guy I want to find is also a slightly rare type.

I have dated an unusually high number of left-handed people.

I am not just picking the weirdest people as 'good examples' out of all the people I dated. I hardly ever dated anybody. When I did date anybody, they were almost always very weird. If I tried dating a normal person, we might be together one time and then give up. (Part of my definition of 'normal person' is 'someone I can't stand.' That might be because an ISTJ is viewed as a 'normal person.' One of the socionics pages said that for this particular relationship, which I can't remember the name of, you can't stand to read a book written by that person, and 'their creations look monstrous.')

That happened once when I kissed a 'normal guy' who I met at a party. I went to a drinking party with some of my co-workers - I think this was when I was in college and home for the summer - and I didn't drink, I just sat there watching everyone else drink. One of the drunk guys made out with me. I think we were in the garage. It was actually pathetic and I didn't enjoy it very much. He left lots of hickeys on my neck and I went home and my parents saw them. But I didn't feel much attraction to him and I never made any effort to find him again. Whatever it was, it was just drunken randomness. And he seemed to be someone I would describe as 'normal.' (Although I was somewhat normal back then, too.) He could've been yet another ENFp for all I know, but he was 'normal' and he 'fit in' in most ways.

'Normal' and 'weird' might be the influence of the enneagram type. I don't know. They also might be Weston Price brain deformities. (Warning... I'm tired of giving this warning, but every time I mention Weston Price, I have to say this. If you ever get interested in their diet, be warned that some of the things people talk about eating will make you extremely sick right away, as in, puking a couple minutes after you eat it. Bone marrow is one of those things. And the smell, the vapors from the bone marrow, if you ever try to eat it, will linger in your refrigerator forever and ever and ever, and will never decay, and they will permeate all the food and drink you put in there, so that you will puke again if you eat anything that got the vapors in it. That was my personal experience with trying to eat bone marrow, which Weston Price followers say you can eat. They say it's made into soup, and there are recipes described for bone marrow in some of the books written by the followers like Sally Fallon. Whoever has written this is a liar who never actually ate the recipe they've written, because bone marrow will trigger severe and uncontrollable vomiting (and also fainting and passing out, and also, horrible feelings all over the body, 'malaise,' and hours and hours of restless agitation) within minutes. So the Weston Price diet needs MAJOR TROUBLESHOOTING! Read that website that gives the instructions for doing the 'universal edibility test!' *DON'T* just eat what the Weston Price followers suggest! End of disclaimer. Not only that, but toxic chemicals and drugs can cause a lot of those deformities too, and they may be equally important, or more important, than nutrient deficiencies in causing those deformities.)

What was I saying? The Weston Price brain deformities can make people weird, with parts of the brain being too large or too small. But I'm not sure if that's all it is. It might possibly be Fives who are 'weird' to me. Fives are often described as strange and nonconformist and not fitting in somehow. Fours are also weirdos who don't fit in, but they are the 'depressed and suicidal' kind of weirdo more than the 'bizarre and unpredictable' kind of weirdo. I haven't met many people who I thought were Fours. Joe might have been a Four (the 41 year old), and 'Nerdman' (in the chatroom years ago) might have been a Four (I don't think he was an ENFp, but I think he was an NF. Maybe an INFp. He was also patronizing and superior to me, like Joe - and no, I don't like that, in the long run - it's something I put up with because I like other things about the person enough that I still want to be with them. I like being respected for my strength.) Again, when I call people weirdos, I also call myself a weirdo. I am always feeling like an outsider who doesn't fit in when I'm in a group - an outsider in a bad way. And I can't mean 'weirdo' as an insult because these are the only people I have ever loved.

Weirdos are so strange and so complex and unpredictable that I haven't seen them well represented on television and the movies. I want to see more of them.

'What Dreams May Come' might be about duality. I thought they both seemed like 'P' types, and back then, I thought that was 'wrong' because it didn't match my theory of which types ought to go together. If anyone was a weirdo it was Robin Williams jumping along like a bunny in the doctor's office to lead Stacy Jacobs away to get her migraines diagnosed. (Am I remembering this right? It's been a while since I saw the movie - it's on a VCR tape, not a DVD, and I need to get a copy on DVD.) Annie was an artist, but she wasn't just doing her own art, she was also fixing and restoring other people's paintings, so she might have been more of a 'crafter' like an ISTp. As a woman, she would have had the 'F' skills more strongly, and could talk about feelings, so she could say things like 'You get angry. Death does that,' when they put the dog to sleep.

(That just made me think of Inception. 'There's really nothing to be said,' is what Maurice Fischer said to Robert Fischer after their mother died. When he heard that story, Eames, disguised as Uncle Peter, responded, 'Oh, well, he was never good with feelings,' which is a laughable understatement. There are particular combinations that will tend to be extremely 'bad with feelings,' and that will most likely be a male, possibly an Eight and an ESTJ or ENTJ. I'm guessing. I could be wrong. Somebody else will type Maurice Fischer as something completely different from what I just said. I can imagine someone saying he was a One or a Three or a Four or a Six or.... I never watched him closely for the purpose of determining his type, and there might not be enough information there.)

I always believed that if a household didn't have a combination of P and J strengths, if both parents had the same P or J attribute, then the household would either be 'too J' or 'too P,' where 'too J' means that all you do is follow rigid unbreakable rules and schedules all day long, and 'too P' means everyone procrastinates forever and everything is disorganized and there are no rules and the house is a mess and no one will do the laundry. ('What Dreams May Come' would have been that kind of house.) That is my mental image of the reason why a household should have one member be a P and the other be a J.

(I like the idea of a socionics quadra household. Socionics has these four groups, quadrants or quadra or something, and in each group you have yourself, your dual, your 'activator,' and your 'mirror.' For me that would be ISTp, ENFp, INFj, and ESTj. Two pairs of duals living together in a house - it's likely that at least one person will be able to cook and do laundry.)

Why do I have to use tests and theories and worry about all this stuff? I would love to just meet large numbers of people and then feel which ones were the most attractive to me. But that is impossible, and intolerable, when you are trying to use dating websites instead of going to churches or drunken parties. There are thousands of guys who will fuck anything, and 'anything' is me. They don't care if there is any spiritual attraction. They don't care if your personality types get along. They don't care if you can enjoy a conversation with each other. They want you because you have a physical body with a couple of holes in it. This is the 'we live on a desert island and must save the species from extinction' mentality. All that matters is having sex and getting someone pregnant. (They don't want to get anyone pregnant, though. I'm just saying that if birth control methods didn't exist, these guys would get someone pregnant.) If I go out with these people even once, then they keep emailing me afterwards and I have to feel the guilt of telling them 'no' over and over again, and eventually I find myself physically unable to motivate myself to even answer their emails.

(Note, about 'answering emails': There is a phenomenon for targeted individuals, where hackers intercept your email, and people are trying to email you and you really don't get it, and you don't get your phone calls either. This is real. It's confusing because sometimes, in real life, I really do give up on answering someone's emails, especially with dating websites where the 'fuck anything' people send you hundreds of meaningless, anonymous, generic letters. You can never tell when your emails are really being ignored, or if they are getting intercepted. I don't think I would ever just ignore dozens and dozens of long, passionate, bizarre emails though. Ever since I had the email interception phenomenon going on, I have 'heard voices' telling me that people were desperately trying to write to me, and these would be people I would love, who wrote me emails that I would love to read, and I'm not getting them, and they think they're being ignored.)

I am also trying to create a relationship that will be stable. I have dated people and broken up with them. I had an irreconcilable conflict with Rachael after we were together for 11 years. That's my longest relationship. I tend to date people for a few years, and again, I don't date huge numbers of people, but for marriage, I want someone who I can stay with for a few decades so that we can raise the children in a stable house. I don't want a divorce with children. If we divorced after the children were gone from the house that would be one thing (although still painful, as I am happy that my own mother and father are still together), but divorcing with children is terrible. Divorcing without children is bad enough.

So anyway... I've got two emails going with two ENFps, one of which might be a Six and the other of which might be a Nine. I don't know for sure. I know the Nine for sure, but the other one I haven't decided yet.

Some other day, I will have to talk about the Weston Price deformities, and people being low class socially. In West Virginia there are more deformities, more 'stupid' people (I'm sorry, but it's true), and more fat people. These things are caused by something - they happen to people through no fault of their own, although when some stupid person annoys you because of something they do, you blame them when you're annoyed, but really they can't help whatever they are doing - but anyway, this is associated with poverty, bottle-feeding, vaccines, pesticides, malnutrition, and other chemical poisoning. I have tried to research the soil nutrients in West Virginia and I get the impression that their soil is not good for producing food. They have to import food. It would cause malnutrition if you ate nothing but food produced in West Virginia - but again I couldn't find the information I wanted to know about, which was: which microminerals are missing from the soil? Is it selenium, chromium, etc? Or which macrominerals? Calcim, phosphorus... etc. But I have also wondered if coal mining and coal smoke have caused a lot of chemical contamination in West Virginia. Coal burning can cause lead poisoning and other heavy metal poisoning. Those things definitely make people stupid and they cause deformities of the whole body and brain.

I was thinking of this because a lot of unfamiliar, unusual people were going through the drive-thru the other day, and I saw large numbers of severely deformed faces, not just mildy deformed. These seemed like out-of-towners, or poor people, or people I recognized from the worst parts of West Virginia. People with big huge yellow teeth sticking out in all directions, their mouths hanging open, people who seemed mildly retarded with their tongues sticking out and lolling. (The original meaning of the word 'loll' is 'tongue lolling' and I always though of that when the abbreviation LOL came out, laughing out loud - I always thought of lolling tongues.) They stick their tongue out, move it around, and pull it back into their mouth. This is a deformity associated with retardation. But this person was driving a car, and she had her family in the back, and they all looked similar to her. And there was more than one car full of people who all looked like that. There were many different cars with severely deformed people driving them the other day.

Physical appearance matters, and I am even more convinced of that than ever after reading Weston Price. There are stereotypes, like 'Cletus, The Slack-Jawed Yokel' on The Simpsons, and these stereotypes are true, because the 'stupidity' that they are making fun of is caused by brain deformities which are associated with visible face and jaw deformities. I'm sure pesticides are the biggest cause of this, but if you have pesticides combined with malnutrition from poor soil and a bad diet in your culture, combined with bottle feeding in infancy, you get the worst possible deformities - hideous faces and hugely obese people who can hardly walk because of severe obesity. Vaccines can also cause 'panniculitis,' and when I read that word, I looked it up, because it looked familiar, and it turns out it's an inflammation of the panniculum, or whatever - I forget the word now - which is the belly fat. Your fat tissue, your adipose tissue, can get inflamed by vaccines. I believe that all of the fat tissue in someone's entire body can be inflamed and deformed as a result of vaccines, which causes severe obesity. Severe obesity has nothing to do with overeating. The end. Repeat to infinity. ***SEVERE OBESITY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH OVEREATING!!!*** Repeat to infinity. It happens through absolutely no fault of your own. It is caused by poisons, vaccines, and permanent body deformities in the adipose tissue. This is a 'deformity,' a misshapen body part which did not develop properly. Just as you can grow a jaw which is too small for the teeth to fit into properly, you can grow fat tissue which is too big for the rest of the body.

But I will have to leave this subject for some other day - I'm exhausted. I need sleep. I'm supposed to write an email back to somebody but I don't know if I can. I'm so exhausted I can hardly type. 'They' woke me up after a brief nap tonight.

I know this blog sounded horrible and judgmental, making fun of weirdos, ugly people, stupid people, poor people, West Virginians, fat people, autistic people, nerds and dorks, suicidally depressed people, guys who will fuck anything with a hole, people who believe you should change every letter except the S/N, and men who are 'bad with feelings.' If there is a way to chase away ALL of my blog readers, that is the way to do it. Oh well...

His dad went away to Colorado and never came back.

1:47 PM 2/13/11

I will make this short because I'm getting ready for work.

When Curtis was a baby his dad moved away to Colorado and never came back. Curtis told me he tried to convince his dad to come back or at least visit once in a while, but he couldn't convince him. He still lives out there in Colorado, too far away to visit. Curtis only visited him once, if I recall correctly. I've been to Colorado once too, many years ago, and we flew on a plane on a trip for a school competition that I was in. It took a long time. This is not a trip that you can make very often.

So I feel bad for Curtis about this. I know that I miss my parents down in West Virginia. But it's not that far away, and I can go visit them if I only take a couple days off work.

That feeling of helplessness that I had - "you'll do whatever you want, and you don't care what I want, and I can't make you change your mind" - that is how Curtis feels about his dad. His dad won't come back even if Curtis begs him.

He wrote on facebook a while back, to his dad, that his dad SAYS 'I love you,' but he doesn't show it - he isn't part of his life, he can't see him in the real world, he can't hug him and touch him and hear his voice every day - Curtis himself didn't write it in so many words, he just basically said something like 'you say you love me but you don't do anything about it' or something like that.

His dad said 'I love you' again on Curtis's birthday and I think it probably triggered the same feeling again, the 'I wish you would do something about it then instead of staying far away' feeling. This prank is the kind of thing you might do if you wanted to say, 'Hey, dad, do you even give a shit?' I'm guessing it might have been directed at his dad. My feeling of helplessness and frustration is nothing compared to Curtis's feelings about his dad being so far away and not being part of his life.

I just wanted to mention that because it makes this kind of thing more understandable. I'm guessing he wants to see if his dad will give a reaction. If you had a kid, wouldn't it shock you to see that they had put tattoos all over their entire body all of a sudden? You'd react to it and you'd be really shocked and upset about it even if you liked tattoos. It would be very surprising. So I think that's who he wanted to get a reaction from.

So I got the 'fallout' from something that wasn't directed at me.

sticking out like a sore thumb

10:33 AM 1/3/11

This morning I was working on a project. I had some ceiling panels that I decided to get rid of. I had bought them because I was looking for soundproofing materials at Lowes, and I saw that ceiling tiles had a noise reducing ability. I was going to build a shielded box area that would reduce ambient noise, and I was going to cover it with foil to reduce ambient radio waves as well. Then I would get inside it and see what I would observe, what I would feel. If you can reduce all the noise and the electromagnetic fields from 'normal' sources, like radio stations, neighbors, etc, then a couple of things will happen. 1. You can use your senses and just observe whatever symptoms continue to happen, and 2. you can use equipment to detect whatever attacks keep happening, without the distraction of ordinary background noise, so that the attacks 'stick out like a sore thumb.'

But it turns out that the ceiling panels are toxic. In fact, they actually KNOW that they're toxic. The instructions explicitly say that the ceiling panels are made of a toxic material. They say that if you touch your clothing against them, your clothing is contaminated, and you should wash that clothing separately from other clothes. (That's exactly what I experienced with contaminated clothing: don't wash it with anything else, or the whole batch will be ruined.) When I bought them, I either didn't see those instructions, or else I believed that I might possibly not have a reaction to this material. I'm chemical sensitive, but I don't always have problems with the 'typical' chemicals that lots of people react to. For instance, bleach doesn't bother me, unless large amounts of it are used in an area with the windows closed. Perfume doesn't bother me either. 'Bleach and perfumes' are what chemical sensitive people always complain about, so I have to be specific when I say that I'm chemical sensitive, but only to certain things. Anyway, it turns out that I DO react to the ceiling tiles. After touching them, and after inhaling the dust from them, I become severely exhausted, so totally exhausted that I have to lie down and I can't work anymore. So I decided to get rid of them.

I advertised them on Craigslist and some people said they wanted them. I was giving them away for free, because actually, I had considered just throwing them in the dumpster to move them out of the way without a hassle. But I hate to throw things in the garbage. I have thrown away so much stuff in the past few years out of necessity, because of contamination, and because I don't want to give away contaminated clothing to Goodwill, to people who will buy it and won't understand why they suddenly have heart problems and severe insomnia that won't go away no matter what. So I've thrown away lots of things that seem to be perfectly good.

And it makes me angry to see the college students throwing away huge amounts of 'stuff' on the curbs when they leave school, when THAT stuff ISN'T contaminated with toxic residue. They're just too lazy to keep it and move it. They buy tons of stuff they don't really need, then throw it in the garbage when they leave school. I hate to see that. I hate it that I have to be 'one of those people' who do that, but when I do it, there is a good reason why. I have heard stories from people who go in the dorm rooms and clean up after the students leave, and they talk about how wasteful and disrespectful a lot of the students are, how they destroy things and leave behind expensive items and don't care about anybody or anything, and expect someone else to clean it all up. I don't want to be like that.

So I decided I would give away the ceiling tiles. I got responses to my ad right away, and I am giving it to the first person who responded.

But suddenly I think my emails might not be getting through. Curtis's girlfriend Carrie sent me an email saying that I haven't been answering her. But I did answer. I sent her a big long email a day or two after I got hers, at the beginning of December. 'They' are hacking the email and blocking them for harassment purposes, to accomplish whatever it is that they are trying to accomplish. Sometimes they do this, and sometimes they don't, so I never know for sure when my emails aren't getting through, or when I'm being ignored, or when somebody doesn't want to talk to me and they want me to leave them alone, or when someone is just too busy to write back or too lazy or they're just procrastinating but they mean to write back sooner or later. I never know for sure which it is. And a lot of my emails DO get through. So I don't know.

So I wrote back to this lady because she stopped responding and we didn't settle on a date and time to pick up the ceiling tiles. She asked if she could pick them up Monday, today, and I wrote back saying yes, and I told her a few more things and asked her what time, but she didn't write back in answer to that email. So now I'm not sure what to expect.

So I had to take Vivarin this morning and I got myself up and put the tiles into a cardboard box that was a little too small for them. I ripped the side of it a bit to put them in. While I was handling the box, in the kitchen, I lifted up the cardboard box and I accidentally tapped one of the light bulbs in the chandelier. I watched as the light bulb disconnected and fell through the air in slow motion and then exploded on the kitchen floor. Then I started laughing helplessly. It wasn't a mercury-filled retina-burner compact fluorescent bulb, so everything is okay. It was only an old incandescent bulb. So I don't have to call the Poison Control Center or the Environmental Protection Agency and I don't have to open the windows and I don't have to spend thousands of dollars to clean up the mercury. Because that is what happens when you break a compact fluorescent bulb. Making incandescents illegal is one of the stupidest and most insane things that the government has done yet... but why should I be surprised when the government does things that are insanely stupid and evil? ('Lifetime supply.' Buy lots of incandescents, and put them into a box somewhere, and keep them forever. If you go to Europe, bring some of them with you and resell them for a high price.)

The government, and governments AS SUCH, have been doing insanely stupid evil things for all of human history. I like Harry Browne's book, 'Why Government Doesn't Work.' It talks about government AS SUCH. All government. It doesn't say that the government would be fine if only this particular person or that particular party would get out of office. Instead, it says: all government doesn't work, ever, no matter who is in there, and the best thing to do is make government as small as possible, to get rid of as much of it as we can.

****
I started using facebook again, but I've been using the mobile website, because that site works pretty well on my computer. Actually, it works great, and I've decided that I *LOVE* using mobile websites, and that I wish all websites were designed that way, seriously, and I would like to see how they are designed. And I looked at the source code for that web page, and it was a small, short file - I could tell that it was small, because the scrollbar on the side of the document was a relatively large scrollbar. Usually, when I look at the source code for one of the huge, bulky, garbage-filled websites, it's a teeny tiny little scrollbar on the text document, a HUGE web page with lots and lots and lots of code. Less is more. I love mobile. If mobile phones get smarter and smarter, if they get more and more memory, if the technology of mobile phones becomes more advanced, then website designers will start adding more and more junk and garbage and advertisements and pictures and 'flash' to their mobile websites, which will destroy them. I want 'less is more' to be the design principle, something that you do deliberately, consciously, and intentionally, even when you have tons of memory space to waste and you can afford to make a huge flashy bulky website. Voluntary simplicity.

I also emptied the internet cache, and reloaded the facebook website, and it seems to be working better now that I did that - the 'normal' website, the 'immobile' one. So now that it's working again, I keep going and looking at Curtis and Carrie's web pages to see if anything new is going on. I am using it as a substitute for real interaction.

'The voices' are talking to me about him; they asked me to go see him one more time and bring something for him; they had been saying 'this is the last one' and then watching my reaction, whether I would feel grief and start crying, or what. They are now asking me to go do it again. And they know that I am willing to go see him again. However, I don't know when or if they will start urging me to spend time with him in a 'leisure' setting, at home, or taking a walk, or visiting Carrie, or what.

I also wonder how I would feel if I met his son. I've seen him several times, going through the drive-thru at McD, and I've seen his photos. He has a son who lives with his ex-girlfriend, and that's one of the reasons why he is staying in this local area, to be near him. I don't like to 'bond' with children unless I know for sure that I am going to stick around for a long time. Children are trusting, and they don't expect you to leave, they expect you to stay there forever, and they expect you to live forever and never die, and they expect you to have infinite strength and to never fail at anything you do, and they expect you to be all powerful and all knowing. They don't understand that adults are fragile and weak and sick and helpless and unstable, some adults anyway. So I don't want to bond with him and then hurt him by leaving.

I already feel bad enough for bonding reluctantly with Curtis, even though Curtis isn't a baby, but he was innocent and trusting when we met, and I wrote him notes warning him over and over that I'm crazy, and that I'm being controlled, and I can't help doing the strange things that I do, and saying strange things, and that something bad will happen between us sooner or later. I warned him, I tried and tried, but it eventually happened anyway, I did something that hurt him, I did several things that I DID NOT want to do. What did I do - well, first, I got his phone number off the wall in the back office and started sending him lots of text messages, even though I didn't want to, and I started getting forced to do it by 'them', and sending messages at the most inconvenient times, long stupid annoying messages worrying about this and that. He didn't answer most of them, although every once in a while he would text back and say 'who is this?' even though I had texted him several times in the past and told him who I was. I never knew if he was receiving the messages or not.

So the trust was slowly broken down, over and over again, when I texted him and he didn't answer. I would get hurt, every time I sent a message and got no reply. I tried to write him notes on paper, saying that I had hackers who often blocked my messages. I asked him now and then if he was getting my messages, and sometimes, he would say no, he wasn't getting them. But other times, he DID get them, and didn't answer them, so I couldn't tell which one it was. What *I* wanted was to NOT TEXT HIM AT ALL, but 'they' were forcing me to do this. So it broke the trust every time I got hurt.

Then they forced me to look him up on MySpace and Facebook and to start emailing him there and asking him to be my friend. I temporarily was friends with him on MySpace - his page is private and only friends can see it - but then there was a time when Carrie broke up with him, and he was drunk all week long, and I sent him an email asking 'Which email do you like to use, this one, or that one?' and instead of answering that question he wrote me back an email saying that I was too old for him and this was creepy and he wanted to stay single - even though all I said was, which email did he like to use. Then he de-friended me.

I asked him about that email later on, and he said that he didn't even remember sending it. So I can't know if he was a puppet, forced to write that when he was drunk and didn't know what he was saying. Or I don't know if he was consciously aware of sending it, and he knew what he was saying. He was stunned and confused when I told him that I had gotten the email from MySpace, and he claimed that he never used MySpace at all anymore, and he said he hadn't been on there in months. But I looked, and there was activity recently, and it said he had been logged in, and there was the 'activity stream' of things that he had been doing. So he was sometimes telling lies about it and denying that he did it, and I couldn't know for sure if his account was being hacked, or if he was lying. And I tried to ask him about these things, to tell him that I had problems with computer hackers, and that they caused confusion because I couldn't tell the difference, I couldn't know if communication problems were caused by the hackers interfering, or if I was actually being ignored and avoided and rejected, or if somebody had actually said whatever it said in the letters. And he wouldn't ever talk openly with me about this. I even wrote some of the notes on paper, explaining this, and he never responded, never wrote a note back to me, never addressed the problem, never acknowledged that I had said anything. So these communication problems gradually destroyed more trust.

On my own, I would have just allowed him to be a co-worker, and nothing but that. I would have loved him, I would have been his friend, I would have had a crush on him, I would have been attracted to him, I would love to look at him and hear his voice and stand close to him and talk to him..... but I wouldn't have tried texting, emailing, or calling him outside of work. I wouldn't have tried to start up a 'relationship.' And if he had quit, or lost his job (which happened eventually), I would have grieved and cried about it, I would have been in pain for a while, and then I would let go. That is what I would do on my own. But 'they' forced me to try to make it be more than that. And when 'they' tried that, over and over again, and failed to get responses, failed to get him to talk about it with me, it broke the trust in our relationship more and more.

For several weeks, for a long time afterwards, after the 'old and creepy' email, I was so devastated that I couldn't even look at him. Eventually 'they' forced me to write him a text message saying that he cannot call me his nickname anymore, because it made me feel like I was special, like he cared about me, like I was important to him, like he loved me, but all of that was a lie, he didn't really care, he was just leading me on, he was just enjoying the attention, blah blah, that kind of thing. *I* don't see it that way, but the puppeteers controlling me are distrusting, paranoid people who see the worst motives in everyone, people who 'test' other people by hurting them and then watching to see whether or not they express pain, and if they do express pain, the controllers say, 'Whoops, you're human after all, my mistake!' Meanwhile, I assume they're human and capable of feeling pain, from the beginning. The murderers don't. They always assume the worst. So anytime anything goes wrong, they get the brilliant idea of 'I know! Let's try hurting this person really, really badly, and see what happens! Then we'll finally know for sure whether they're human or not!' So I myself knew NOT to send that text message, I knew it would hurt him, I knew it would only make things worse, but 'they' had the bright idea to do this. And I was right, it made things much worse, and he started acting like he was hurt when he saw me, and he wouldn't look at me, and he really did stop calling me his nickname, even though I wanted to hear it, I loved to hear it, I missed hearing it. Now he won't call me his nickname anymore at all. I tried to tell him afterwards that it was okay, but no, he still won't say it.

Then, the weeks went by, and not too much longer after that, he quit or got fired, whatever it was that happened. Then he tried to sign up for the military. To me, that qualifies as 'suicidal.' Signing up for the army is a statement of your intention to commit suicide. It is Russian Roulette. If you don't know what that is, let me explain. (Yes, you could google it.) It's something people do with the type of gun where you put the bullets into a wheel thing that spins around, and since I don't handle guns I don't know what the name of that thing is.

(I have deliberately avoided buying a gun, because I am a mind controlled puppet, a victim, and an occasional drug user who gets murderously angry at the people who are attacking me. So anything could happen. 'They' might force me to believe that I know the identity of the people attacking me, and 'they' might force me to go try to kill that person. Or they could force me to kill myself. They could control me and I wouldn't even know what I was doing. I could be totally hypnotized.)

So I'm clueless about guns. Everything I know about guns comes from playing video games like Half-Life. But anyway you can put, like, six bullets into this wheel. They put only one in there, and the rest of the spaces are empty. Then they spin the wheel around and then fire the gun at themselves, or at someone else, not knowing whether it has the bullet in it, or if it's on one of the empty spaces. So that's for anyone who doesn't know what Russian Roulette is. You know that there is a bullet in the gun somewhere, but you don't know which one, you don't know when it will happen, you don't know if it will happen this time or next time or eventually, and you could get lucky for a while, you could get lucky over and over again for a while, and the bullet wouldn't get you this time, but you know it's still in there and it could be the next time. That is what it means when you sign up for the army. That is what you are doing.

So when he tried signing up for the army I totally freaked out. I was trying to email him, trying to get a message to him, not knowing where he lives, not knowing how to contact him, not knowing if the hackers were blocking my letters or not. And of course, I got no answers from him. And his mobile phone number changed too, so I was texting the wrong number for a while. If the puppeteers wanted him to die, they could block the letters, they could make the letters say whatever hurtful things they wanted them to say, they could write fake letters to him telling him horrible things that would make him want to die even more. So I was helpless to reach him and didn't know where he lives. I could try to reach his family members, but 'they' didn't force me to go that far. I was able to email his girlfriend though, and we got a few letters through.

And that is how we got to be where we are now. I went hunting for him, when Carrie told me he got a new job, at a non-military place. The goal is to keep him out of the military, all branches of the military, forever. He will be frustrated at his job, frustrated at working minimum wage, frustrated at having a meaningless mindless pointless food service job - and yes, he expressed that to me, he doesn't want to work in food service forever, and I know how that feels - and so I am being used to support him somehow, support his life, and do whatever is in my power to influence him to stay away from the military, and stay out of jail, and stay safe.

I couldn't do anything to keep him out of jail. He kept driving his car, and driving drunk, without a seat belt, and driving again after he lost his license and wasn't allowed to drive, and I had no control over that, so he was still at risk. He went to jail for a couple of days and he lost his license. One of the goals is to prevent him from dying in a car accident. The other goal is to keep him out of jail too.

I don't know what he's doing now. I don't know why he was driving, whether he thought he needed to do it for a reason, or what. Since it's very hard to get answers to my emails, and since he doesn't write paper notes either, I can't ask questions and get direct answers easily. So I don't know what's going on, and I can't do anything about it. Meanwhile I am struggling with my own problems.

And my official title - I don't have an official title - I am a 'former co-worker,' and I am a 'facebook friend.' I am not a 'friend in the real world,' not very much. I am not a 'family member.' I am not a 'girlfriend.' I am not even an 'ex-girlfriend.' I am not a 'baby mommy' as they call it, which his ex-girlfriend is, the one that his son lives with. I am pretty much nothing. 'I am nothing' is one of the things that I sometimes say to myself when I am preparing to go visit him. It's like meditating, putting myself in my place, preparing for the humiliation and grief and vulnerability and helplessness and smallness that I feel, when I need him, I miss him, I love him, I want him, but I can't be with him. I still often start crying after I see him.

I don't blame him for the destruction of the trust. I blame *THEM*. They forced me to do things that I knew were destructive and harmful things to do.

Next time I see him, I might be on drugs, or I might not be. I might be able to touch him, I might not. I might hug him, or I might talk for a couple minutes and then walk away without ever getting close to him. I might give him a gift, I might give him a letter without a gift, I might give him nothing at all.

There is one thing that bothers me - it bothers me that I can only talk about work-related, impersonal subjects. 'How do you pay your taxes?' is what it all comes down to. We are all working really, really long hours so that we can pay our rent (an indirect tax), and our income tax (a direct tax), and the high prices of food and other goods (an indirect and direct tax).

I can't stand there long enough to calm down and relax. I can't follow him into his work area and stand beside him while he's doing his job. I can't stand next to him and say nothing at all for a few minutes. I can't just watch quietly. I can't go lean against him or put my arms around him. Instead I have to hurry. I am an intruder, in a workplace where I don't belong, where everyone is hostile to me. I know they're not really hostile, but they are potentially hostile. All the employees there recognize me as an outsider. I am a 'customer,' so I am not allowed in work areas. He is often working behind the counter at the salad bar when I go there, and I can't go back there. Sometimes, occasionally, he might be working out in the middle of the store, where the customers can walk, but that's not usually where I find him. And if he is out there, I'm still not really welcome. I could be distracting him from his work. I could be an unwelcome visitor. I could be someone that he wishes would go away, but he's too nice to say it.

I feel helpless. I want him to have the things that he wants in life. I want him to have a job he enjoys, the same thing that I want for myself. If I can't get it for myself, how can I help someone else get it? I want him to be happy, but I can't make myself happy, I can't get out of my problems, I can't get control of my own life. How on earth can I do anything for him at all? All I can do is tell him that I love him and that I want him to live. All I can do is give him my notes and my gifts, to make sure that he receives them, to make sure that he hears me. And most of the time I don't even know if he gets the messages unless I write them by hand. I don't know anything and I can't do anything. I am just barely on the edges of his life, not really included, not really part of it.

That is why I always say, again and again, that I don't know where this relationship is going, that I don't know what we will be doing in the future, that I don't know what 'they' will make me do from here on. I don't know what power I have to help him when I can't help myself. And I don't have many opportunities to simply enjoy being close to him, either. I would like to just enjoy his company.

I am glad that he never got in the military, and that he isn't in jail yet.

Well... enough for now.

Stealing hugs... "no no no nooo!"

9:34 AM 12/31/10

Today I took my St. John's Wort and I got up early and was working on cleaning some stuff. Then I went looking for Curtis after a while, and I found him. So when I saw him, I was on the drug.

I talked to him comfortably, fearlessly, and easily. I smiled and laughed. There was the same big group of managers and other people standing near his area, just like the other day, having some kind of discussion. Maybe they are remodeling something. It looked like they were talking and making a decision about something in that area. So, they were there, but I went looking for him anyway. The drug makes me much more fearless.

By the way, the other day when I went looking for him, and then went away crying, was a day that he was puking his guts out (as he described on facebook) and he left work and went home. So I probably wouldn't have been able to find him anyway - he might have been in the bathroom - or if I did get close to him, I would've caught the virus. So it was good that I didn't see him that day.

I gave him my note today. I congratulated him on asking Carrie to marry him. They are now officially engaged. He did that on Christmas Eve. They were unofficially planning to be married, for quite a while now, but now it's official. He got her a ring and it's being resized.

I was talking to him over the salad bar, so there was something in between us. After talking for a couple minutes (about nothing really important, just about work, about being sick, him being engaged, me doing my own little projects, me wanting a second job... the usual... he wants to get out of food service and have a meaningful job... I understand) I then asked him to come over to the doorway at the end of the salad bar where I have talked to him a couple times before. I said, 'I have something to give you.'

I gave him a note, and, as before, there was something other than just a note. I felt a 'no' vibe, faintly, something intangible that I can't explain. I felt 'no.' I gave this to him anyway. The voices have been saying 'this is the last one.' I don't know if they really mean that or not.

Then, without fear - even though I had been trembling and shaking in the parking lot before I went in - I reached towards him, and he said, 'hug?' and I hugged him. It was a 'shallow' hug, and I had a thick coat on, so it wasn't an erotic hug, it was the kind of hug that two friends could give each other. It was a brief, dainty little hug, not a bear hug, not a strong hug. Kind of like how, in some cultures, people kiss each other on each cheek, lightly and quickly.

He is so thin, and so short. I am five foot two. He is only a tiny bit taller than I am. He is about a small as a fourteen year old. He has fetal alcohol syndrome. I read about it, and it said that people with FAS are usually in the 'lower third percentile' of size for their age. It means they're much smaller than everyone else their age. This is the reason why I was hearing voices calling me a pedophile, and they were trying to help me find someone who was very small, and also of legal age. He is exactly the size that I am attracted to. I'm attracted to a variety of guys, and they're not always small, but my strongest feelings are usually towards the smaller skinnier ones.

So I could reach up and put my hands on his shoulders, and they were bony and thin.

After I left, the moment I walked away, I was flooded with feelings. I felt like I 'stole' the hug. It's possible to do what someone else wants you to do, without wanting to do it. I have hugged older, unattractive men who liked me when I didn't like them. I used to hug the child molester who came over to my parents' house once in a while, until we had the 'last straw' incident where I decided I would not touch him anymore. I know how gross it feels to hug someone you're not attracted to, when someone is desperate and needy, and they need to touch you so badly, but you're not attracted to them sexually. Now I'm in the role reversed position. I'm the older, less attractive, desperate, needy person.

So I felt: guilty, disgusted, mad at myself, sick, aroused, excited, violated, and terrified... and desperate to do it again, for a longer time, without a thick coat on.

I made it out to my car and then I started crying and saying, 'no! no! no! noooo! no! no!' over and over again while crying and sobbing. 'no! nooooo! don't do that!' I said. The voices started talking back to me in my head, saying 'He liked it,' and other things to try to reassure me, but I said, 'no! no! you don't understand! don't do that!'

I don't want to mess it up. If I do the wrong thing, if I violate him too much, he will be disgusted and he will avoid me. He will signal 'no' in some way, nonverbally. I already felt a little bit of 'no' when I gave him my note today.

I tried a couple times in the past to ask him to talk about this with me, talk about setting boundaries, about what is okay and what is not okay. He wouldn't talk about it. I wrote notes, and he didn't even answer the notes that I wrote on paper.

(I just got an email from his girlfriend Carrie today, saying 'I've been emailing you and you haven't been answering my messages, are you mad at me, etc,' and this is the usual thing with the computer hackers interfering with my emails... so whenever I want to get an important message to someone, I give them a note on paper... and I'm saying that, okay, he didn't answer a lot of the text messages and emails, but that could've been because he never got them, or I never got his replies.... but he didn't answer the paper notes either, is the point.)

Anyway I have tried to warn him, in the past, that I wanted to touch him, I wanted to hug him, I'm sexually attracted to him - I've told him this quite a few times and several times it was written on paper notes, which he definitely received, because I gave them to him by hand. I asked him what kind of touch is okay, and he wouldn't answer. I was specific about it, is this okay, is that okay. And I still don't know.

So I have to find out the hard way, by just doing something risky and then getting a nonverbal 'no.' And of course I can do it when I'm on drugs and fearless... but I wasn't really fearless, I was terrified afterwards, terrified that I would disgust him and that it would ruin our relationship completely, that we wouldn't even be friends because I'm attracted to him and I always want to touch him.

And also now I was terrified because, now that I've hugged him one time, I will want to do it again and again and again. I will want to do it every time I see him. Sooner or later, it won't be okay anymore.

I drove away in my car, crying and sobbing and saying 'no! nooo! no no no no!' over and over for several minutes. And now I am home writing in my blog.

I don't know when is the next time I will see him or what I will do. I don't know if I will give any more gifts to him. I don't know what 'they' will make me do.

That was today's adventure. I stole something.