Beware, this is going to be another 'sexual double meaning' blog, and from my point of view, it isn't intended that way. But anything having to do with 'cats' usually means 'pussies,' so it goes into a sexual double meaning that way. There was a discussion between me and 'them' before writing this blog, and 'they' are the reason why I decided to write it.
There was a picture on lolcats where a kitten asked the question, can you marry food? It was a series of three images with the kitten opening its mouth like it was laughing.
It's not just the pictures that bother me. I looked, and some of the pictures were not too bad. I didn't see the 'small box' picture, but that was because I didn't want to spend much time waiting for all the pictures to load, so I left.
The captions bother me too. The attitudes behind the captions disgust me. The 'can you marry food' caption is a good example. I like food so much that I want to MARRY it. I'm stupid and ignorant. My ignorance, naivete, and stupidity are cute. I am inferior. You are big and powerful. Ha ha. Love me!
By the way, why do cats like food so much? Why do cats come running at high speed, very excited, when they hear the can opener or the bag of food pouring into the bowl? Why are they so excited? Is it because they are stupid and cute? Is it because they want to marry food? Is it because stupid cats only understand simple concepts like 'love food' and 'food good?'
No, that's not why. It is because you are starving them and feeding them extremely poor quality non-nutritious fake food, and not feeding them often enough. You control all the food in the house. Cats are locked indoors and cannot get outside to hunt. If they do hunt, you get mad at them for doing something bad and evil and disgusting. How dare they try to fend for themselves. Cats come running to get food because they are starving.
Remember when you were a teenager and you couldn't drive a car? You had to eat whatever food was in the fridge and the cupboard. But, as always, your parents didn't understand. They got lots of food you didn't like, and you were forced to eat only that, and you didn't have a choice. There was never enough of the stuff you really wanted. You were growing, so you were very hungry and there was never enough food. Is that 'cute' that you have an intense desire for more food because you are growing and your body desperately needs lots of high-quality food?
Meanwhile, somebody decides you're 'fat,' or that you must be prevented from becoming fat. This decision is made by somebody who is ignorant of what really causes people to be fat. (Hint: Fat ISN'T caused by overeating.) So they start restricting free access to food, and you cannot eat enough to EVER satisfy your hunger. When you see or hear food you come running at high speed as though you want to marry food. Ha ha, that's cute.
I haven't written about drug residue contamination in a while. This is an obscure technical subject that not many people know about, and probably not many people are interested in, unless they experience chemical sensitivity.
Pharmaceutical drugs and drug residues can cause people to be fat. They are not the ONLY cause, but they are one big important cause. People know you can get fat by taking prescription drugs, but hardly anyone knows that tiny invisible traces of drug residues can also make you fat. These drug residues are hardly even known to exist. I visited my parents in West Virginia and I came home covered with Paxil drug residue because Mom is taking it. I had symptoms for weeks until I started using different clothing that had not been to my parents' house.
The residues get onto your clothing when you sweat and when your skin excretes oils. The drugs get into your clothing and then they take a very long time to wash out. The residues stay in the washing machine, and they mix with all of the clothing that is washed there. When you put the clothing back on, the drug residues get absorbed back through your skin. This can happen even if somebody else was using the drugs, not you.
Extremely small amounts of these drug residues can cause you to gain weight, and you're not even deliberately TAKING the drugs. You only need to be AROUND other people who are taking the drugs. If you use their clothes, or use their washer and dryer, if you sit on the seats that they sit on, if you touch the same surfaces they touch, if you walk on the floors that they walk on, you will collect tiny amounts of drug residues from their skin oils and sweat.
I suspect that these drugs also cause pets to become fat.
Animals do not become severely obese in the wild, so the causes of obesity come from their human lifestyle. It is not because humans feed them too much and they don't have to exercise to hunt for the food. That's NOT the reason.
There are several causes of obesity in humans. Drugs, vaccines, heavy metals, other poisons - but NOT just a simple desire to eat more than you should. You don't just randomly have an intense desire to eat huge amounts of food, unless you have a MEDICAL problem. It is not a moral problem. It is not a problem of free will. It is not from having too much luxury and too little work. It is caused by drugs and poisons. It can be a permanent deformity of the fat tissue - just as someone can be born without arms and legs if their mother took Thalidomide, someone can be born with a tendency to grow too much fatty tissue because their mother took some other drug while pregnant. It is a birth defect. It is made worse by bottle-feeding infant formula instead of breast milk. Vaccines might also cause permanent distortions in fat, if the viruses get into the fatty tissue and cause permanent inflammation there, but I don't know much about the details of how that might work. Again, fat is not caused by merely having an impulse to eat too much for no reason, and for being 'weak' enough to obey that impulse.
Animals are taken away from their mothers at an early age, and they might still be nursing. They might have mostly stopped nursing but might still need to nurse once in a while. They are then put on an unnatural diet, vaccinated, and exposed to a large number of chemicals in their environment, such as pesticides and flea sprays.
Poisoning and vaccinating animals, feeding them poor quality food, exposing them to pesticides and drug residues, and other things, are the cause of obesity in animals. It is a form of cruelty - torture caused by ignorance, not by intention - to mess up an animal's body, make it feel constantly hungry and constantly in need of something it can't get, and not letting it outside to hunt, and then calling it 'fat' and restricting its access to food even more.
So that explains some of the reasons why the cat loves food so much it wants to marry it.
And... I just got a call from work asking me to come in early, and I have to decide what to do... so I should finish this and go do something.
Showing posts with label obesity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label obesity. Show all posts
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Haldir of Lorien goes 'ick', then dies shortly afterwards
i'm going to warn everyone, this is a VERY negative blog today. i might have been drugged, or i might just be sick and in a bad mood. i might have a contaminant on me from something.
eric and i used to joke about how, in the movies, you can sometimes predict which characters are going to die. in horror movies, the characters usually commit some kind of 'sin' before dying. that way, you don't feel as bad about seeing them die. but you don't like to see the really good, likeable characters die. it even happened in the matrix, when mouse got killed shortly after he was seen looking at the picture of the woman in the red dress. in horror movies, 'sinful sex' is often the thing happening shortly before a character is killed. if anybody does anything 'wrong' or dislikeable, you can predict that they are about to die in the movie. 'oh well, they were a jerk anyway,' you say when the character dies.
it happened in the lord of the rings, which i watched recently. i don't know what happened in the book (it's been a while since i read it), but i have a feeling that the movie added a little bit of artistic interpretation when they portrayed haldir of lorien. (i think it's haldir and not 'haldor' - i might check the spelling first.)
aragorn said 'you are most welcome' and hugged haldir with gratitude for coming to helm's deep. and haldir's hands were stiff and he seemed shocked or distasteful about being hugged by aragorn. shortly after that, he died. most people watching the movie would say something like, 'oh, come on, loosen up and relax a little.' by that time, everyone is fond of aragorn, and they think haldir is just being snooty and snobby.
i have sympathy for haldir having an involuntary 'ick' response to hugging someone. i've experienced 1. mange, and 2. transdermal chemical or drug contamination, from hugging people. (they called it 'cooties' when we were children, and people interpreted cooties as 'lice', but i interpret them as mange or scabies.) mange is not just a nuisance to me, not just a discomfort - it actually causes big, infected scratches and scars all over my skin.
i've been forced awake, a couple hours ago, and people are asking me questions about dennis. about what's wrong with him, about why i have very negative feelings about him.
he came into work yesterday and asked me why i wasn't using the laptop he sold me (for a low price). he didn't SAY this out loud, but, i draw the conclusion that this is because i went to the library to upload videos, instead of using the laptop at a wireless connection, which is what i told him i intended to do with it.
my reaction to this is a feeling of ever-increasing irritation and annoyance. why the hell do i need to be 'secretive and sneaky' right now? why do i need to be 'secretive and sneaky' about uploading a couple of videos? i'm putting negative words on that - i usually describe it as, wanting to be anonymous. the laptop and wireless connection is for sometime in the future if and when i need to be online anonymously. i am nowhere near ready for that project, and i have much more urgent things to worry about right now.
i would want to be online anonymously if i wanted to avoid: people who AREN'T surveilling and following me physically as i go places, but who are still capable of hacking or observing what computer i'm using. that is a specific group of people. people who are ONLY hacking some computers, but aren't yet able to follow me everywhere i go, hacking into videocameras or whatever else they would need to do, or using an unknown method to follow me.
it's not only that, it's also, if i want to use a computer that doesn't have the particular viruses on it that mine inevitably has. the wireless laptop will get 'mostly anonymous and unconscious' viruses instead of spyware directed at me personally. it will get whatever spyware is sent to me from the people who follow me around physically. those things are 'slightly more difficult' to do. it is slightly more difficult to watch where i drive my car, and then send some spyware to the wireless connection i use at some public place. (or force me to get the idea to go to a particular location which has been chosen for me in advance.)
i was impatient and annoyed about the whole idea of that. why on earth would i NEED to use the laptop and wireless connection right now? i have an urgent need to move out of this apartment, and that's all i'm worried about. 'being secretive and sneaky' is very, very low on my priority list. using the library computers is sufficient. uploading the videos is 'entertainment only' and doesn't require being sneaky.
i mentioned a few days ago about how i got contaminated with an unknown drug or chemical when dennis hugged me while i was wearing my brand new uniform. it was a very brief hug. because of that, i am going to have to avoid hugging him AT ALL even though i originally believed it ought to be okay to give someone a friendly hug. i was trying to convince myself that maybe it would be okay, as long as i wasn't in uniform. but i am starting to think it isn't even okay when i am wearing my normal clothes. his contaminant is so bad, it affects my mood, it makes me depressed, it makes me angry and irritable, it makes me nauseated, and based on past experience, i know that contaminants do not wash out in the laundry, but instead spread around to the entire clothing instead of being removed.
i am having intense negative reactions merely at the sight of him or the thought of him. when i see him walking into the store, i get annoyed and irritated about his slow movement and his zombielike stare. i get irritated at the sight of him and everything about him. when he was talking to me, i started to get nauseated (faintly) even though i was a few feet away from him - probably because he had been chewing tobacco.
i am not even trying to 'boss him around' and tell him what he needs to do. this is because i ALREADY KNOW that he will NEVER do the things that i believe he needs to do. i am going to be very harsh and very blunt. it is cruel, and cold, and that's why i don't want to say it to him.
he can choose to follow MY standards, or he can choose to follow the 'mainstream USA' standard of dress and appearance, in order to attract mainstream women (or he can choose some other standard, neither of the above).
for the mainstream standard, it means he will have to shave his beard, lose weight, take showers every day, stop smelling like kerosene and tobacco, choose different clothing, and get rid of his camouflage baseball cap. (*Note. 'Losing Weight' is not at all easy to do. I do not know how to do it. When I have more time, I am interested in researching obesity, what causes it, and how to reduce it. I've already done a little bit of reading on this subject, but I still do not know of a reliable way to lose weight. I view obesity as the result of some other health problem, something complicated, and I say that it is not the person's fault. However, I mention it here because 'lose weight' is part of the mainstream USA recommendations, regardless of whether I agree or disagree.*)
i *HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE* baseball caps. i am so sick of seeing gaudy, ugly, multi-colored, patterned, or ugly-colored baseball caps ON EVERYBODY EVERYWHERE I GO. i can't stand them. and it's not only the color, it's also the shape. i can't stand the shape either, even if the colors aren't bad. i have said this before in my blog.
i understand that people want to wear hats to prevent their baldness from sunburning. this is a legitimate thing to be doing. pale-skinned people will burn on top of their heads, sometimes even if they still have hair. dennis is bald on top of his head, so i can understand that maybe he wants to wear some kind of hat to prevent sunburn.
however, he wears his baseball cap pulled down low over his face, over his eyes, in the 'i'm hiding my face deliberately' style. he's following the 'i don't want anyone to see me' standard of dress. this is something that mainstream USA disapproves of, if you are interested in attracting women. he also has a thick beard, which, once again, in the mainstream world, represents the 'i'm hiding from everyone and i don't want anyone to see my face' standard of dress. (in my natural grooming standards, a long beard is required (for ethnic groups that grow beards), and it does not indicate hiding or secrecy.)
he also wears glasses, which hide the emotions expressed by the eyes. i don't feel quite comfortable about contact lenses, so i accept that people need to wear glasses in order to see. (*note: 'energy saver' light bulbs destroy your eyes. they are extremely bad for you. some of them are better than others. but i, and other people, notice my eyes burning very badly after i have spent some time near energy saver bulbs. i can't read a book while sitting in barnes and noble, or in many other public restaurants and stores, if they're brightly lit with energy saving fluorescents. when i walk away, my vision is blurry for hours. if you want to make your eyesight worse, use those bulbs.*) however, wearing glasses, in combination with a baseball cap pulled low over your eyes, and a thick beard, is all about hiding your face from everybody, according to the mainstream point of view.
i actually prefer an amish straw hat over a mainstream USA baseball cap. i prefer hats that do not have patterns or mixed colors on them. something simple. i tend to like hats that have a brim all the way around, not just in the front. i tolerate fedora-type hats better than baseball caps. fedoras were a fashion fad not too long ago, but they didn't catch on, and baseball caps still rule.
i don't know why i dislike those things, but i do. i would prefer no hats at all. (this is all from the voices interrogating me about what i like or dislike about people's appearance.) but whenever i am forced to tolerate people wearing hats at all, there are some things i like more than others.
avoiding gaudy patterns: this is one reason why the amish chose to have all of their clothing simple and plain, because whenever you allow people to choose patterns and colors, they will always go down the 'slippery slope' and eventually you will live in a society full of people choosing the ugliest, most gaudy colors and patterns imaginable, which is what we have now. foreign people complain about the stereotypical badly-dressed american tourists. bad taste in clothing is something which is being frequently complained about, with regard to americans. i think this is a legitimate grievance. the stereotype is true.
in the usa, people think that having the right to choose gaudy, hideous clothing is a way of 'having more freedom.' and if they are asked to obey any standards at all, they see it as an infringement of their freedom. the freedom to dress really, really badly, all of the time, is a freedom that americans seem to value a lot. (yes, i have been interrogated about why i am so disgusted with mainstream society, why i hate television and fashion and all that.) they become indignant if you talk about possibly expecting them to dress better, or dress a certain way, or obey a standard, in their daily life (not just at the workplace).
i look at the amish people, and when i see them, i am never offended by their appearance. i don't want to be amish, nor am i creating a community based on the amish, but instead it is an intentional community that might be described as a 'reform' of various groups and beliefs, taking the good things from them, and getting rid of the bad things. not throwing the baby out with the bathwater. and not necessarily 'good or bad,' but rather, things that i like or dislike. some of it is subjective opinion and personal preference. i say that i am 'not offended' by the amish appearance - they don't look gaudy and awful to me - but i would ask that my community will disobey the bible with regard to long-haired men. the amish still keep men's hair short.
so, that is what dennis needs to do for his mainstream makeover. i am not asking him to do that.
MY makeover is much more difficult. it is a chemical-sensitivity, decontamination, health-improvement, natural grooming, changing-your-belief-systems makeover. and i *KNOW* that he will never, ever, in a million years, even BEGIN to do such a makeover. i am definitely not asking him to do my kind of makeover.
my so-called makeover requires dennis to do these things:
decontaminate himself. he, and everything he owns, is covered with unknown chemicals, including kerosene, tobacco, and possibly colloidal silver, and possibly something else unknown. these chemicals go through the skin, causing me to feel depressed, irritated, angry, nauseated, hopeless, tired, and slow-moving. dennis himself is slow-moving, zombielike, and apathetic about achievement and self-improvement, and i am guessing that he, too, is sick from his own chemicals, whatever they are, whether he knows it or not.
to decontaminate, he will have to do the same impossible, awful, traumatic, expensive things that i myself have done. i already know about contamination, but with me, it was a life-threatening poison that could not be removed, and i was willing to do drastic things to get rid of it. you CAN'T clean poisonous chemicals off of clothing. dennis must throw in the garbage every item of clothing he owns, because ALL of it is covered with tobacco and the smell of kerosene, and something unknown.
he must leave his trailer. it uses kerosene fuel for heating, and propane gas for the stove. to be healthy, and to avoid inhaling fumes, and to avoid smelling horrible, you cannot live in a house that uses fossil fuels. he has to go someplace that doesn't use those things. can you imagine me asking dennis to move out of his trailer? do you see why i don't even bother asking him to do the things i wish he would do?
he will have to get rid of a lot of his belongings. even things like his computers are covered with an unknown chemical, and the kerosene smell. i know it because it's on all of the computer equipment he's given me, including the laptop. all of those things smell like kerosene, and when i touch them, i get hit with some drug or chemical through the skin. he would have to wash every inch of every object thoroughly, and avoid recontaminating them afterwards, which means they could not stay in the kerosene-smelling trailer. again, do you see why i don't bother asking him to do this?
(i am adding this paragraph because 'the voices told me to.' they wanted me to talk more about the subject of weight loss. i actually wasn't even going to say this, originally.) i do not know how to advise him how to lose weight, because as i said above, weight loss is extremely difficult. it's something i've been interested in for a long time, and i've done some reading, but i can't advise anybody about it. so i don't necessarily ask him to lose weight. however, i'd ask him to change his diet, because there might be food sensitivities or other nutritional problems. so i would ask him to improve his nutrition, and his overall health. his food wasn't that bad, when i ate over there - what i mean is, i don't have a lot to complain about with how he eats. i liked his food and it was a good meal, and i appreciated it (i apologized to him several times about the fact that i can't stand to be in his trailer with the sickening fumes). i don't see any connection between the food he eats, versus how much he weighs. he doesn't overeat. he doesn't eat a lot. he didn't eat significantly more than i do. therefore, i say that his being overweight is caused by an unknown health problem that i cannot explain.
to follow my natural grooming standards, he would have to do the things i describe on the page about growing long hair. those are extreme and unusual things to do, and they are not for everyone. i am not asking him to do that. that is only for people who are joining my intentional community, which doesn't exist yet.
and this is where my 'being blunt' becomes 'being EVEN MORE blunt.' after doing all of those things, I STILL won't have sex with him! he could do all of the things i tell him to do, but i still don't want to have sex with him. he would have to obey all of those rules, only to find that after all of that effort, he still wasn't getting any sex. instead, i would be hoping that SOME OTHER woman would love him, marry him, and have sex with him - BUT *NOT ME*.
that is why i said he could choose the mainstream usa standard, instead of my standards. mainstream usa won't ask him to throw away all of his belongings and his clothing. most normal women won't realize that there is any chemical or drug contaminating all of his belongings - only a minority of people will notice that. so he can get away with maybe just cleaning up and not smelling like kerosene anymore and not chewing tobacco. and he can also get away with not losing weight, especially because he isn't severely overweight. however, he will have to (being even more blunt, here) go find a woman who would be viewed as un-attractive. not me. somebody else.
and again, i have been awakened at three in the morning and interrogated by voices, at a time when my stomach is burning and i feel very sick and i am in a very bad mood. and i've been getting more and more annoyed with dennis, over the past few weeks, because i KNOW that he will NOT do the things that i wish he would do to improve his health, improve his life, and improve his chances of finding a woman to marry, or to at least have sex with. i TRIED to give him what i thought was a basic level of human kindness, i tried to make myself willing to just give him a hug, just a minimum of human contact, but it turns out that i cannot even stand to touch him, and cannot even stand close to him without becoming nauseated and affected by his unknown chemicals. and when those chemicals contaminate my brand-new work uniform, and my other clothes, i don't even want to try that anymore at all. and i know i can't ask him to clean up, because decontamination is a HUGE project, and i know it from my own experience. it involves a huge expense, throwing a huge amount of your belongings and your clothing in the garbage, and it is extremely traumatic. i cried, and cried when i threw away my ephedra-contaminated clothing that gave me heart attacks every time i wore it.
and meanwhile, not just his toxic chemicals, but his behavior - about coming in to the place where i work, and then walking back and forth, and back and forth, and back and forth, six or seven times around the area where i work, hoping to catch my eye and start up another twenty-minute conversation about his computer gadgets or about his geneology project. while i'm on the clock! while my manager is right nearby watching me! while i'm being paid by the hour! while i'm getting yelled at about how i'm leaving work past nine o'clock when i'm scheduled to leave!
and so, merely at the sight of him, i am already very annoyed and irritated, every time i see him. there's nothing i can do for him - i don't think he's willing to go to the huge expense of doing the things that i think he needs to do, in order to help himself, and improve his health, and improve his social life (i'd tell him to go join a church, if he wasn't offended by religion). and even then, i can't guarantee that it will help! i'd like to learn more about medicine and alternative medicine, but i haven't had time for it. so, i still don't know how to solve his health problems. (the health problems he doesn't know he has! slow robotic movement, zombielike stare.) and after doing all of the things i would ask him to do, i would be hoping that some other woman would be with him, *not me*. so what motivation does he have to do it?
i can't even say, 'if you do these things, i'll have sex with you.' i can only say, 'if you do these things, your health might improve somewhat, and your mood and behavior and attitude and psychological health might improve, and you might get another job, and some other woman, not me, might date you or marry you, but i can't promise anything for sure.'
***
why did i give dennis my phone number and email address in the first place? this was a suspicious incident which fits in with all of the other things that i have been doing over the past year, and some of it was unnatural and forced. some of it was intended to be helpful to me because i have no friendships in state college, or at least i didn't before. when i got evicted from my apartment a few years ago, i had to go live in my ex-boyfriend's house, and we had huge arguments every day, and he became a puppet, and the beloved cats also became puppets, and eric was forced to initiate an argument (frequently, about nothing in particular, or about subjects we had already argued about) while i was in the middle of trying to sleep in between working two jobs, and the cats were forced to come scratch on my door loudly and repeatedly the instant i fell asleep. and if i let them in, they would walk around the room, knocking things over, climbing up on the table and the windowsill and the bed, meowing and acting obnoxious, making noises and keeping me awake, and then walking back out of the room again after having done nothing but make noises, and if i shut the door again, they would demand to come back in (as soon as i fell asleep), and do the same thing. it wasn't like the cats wanted to come into the room and would then snuggle up and fall asleep on the bed beside me. they would just go in there and do annoying things. i knew they were puppets - i already knew about people and animals being forced to do things, at the time when this happened - so i forgave them and i didn't rage at them, because they couldn't help it. they were being controlled. all i could do, when this happened, was pick up the cat and put him outdoors.
this is why i had to find some new friends in state college in case i had any more problems like being evicted.
so that was part of the overall idea of trying to make contacts with people, so that i would have somebody, anybody at all, in case of an emergency. that was part of the reason why i decided to give dennis my contact information and try to make friends with him. i was expecting that we might email each other from time to time and just stay in casual contact.
i had already had a problem with dennis before that. in the beginning, i met him because i made a pizza for him sometimes, and i often griped about not being able to find the ingredients, and that type of thing. so that was how we started chatting. but at one point, i decided to start avoiding him, and i'm not sure why. i am not sure what prompted that to happen. i suddenly, completely stopped talking to him, avoided eye contact, and would go someplace else if i saw him walking around. maybe i had already felt as though his conversations were taking too long, while i was on the clock? i don't remember for sure. so i was probably trying to stop having too-long conversations while i was on the clock - but again, that might not have really happened yet. i can't remember the reason why i started avoiding him.
i went a while avoiding him. then i suddenly changed my mind, and gave him my phone number and email address. i was hoping that we could be casual friends, and i was hoping that maybe, if he had my email address, he could *EMAIL* me instead of trying to talk to me for twenty minutes at a time, in the workplace. i was HOPING he would do THAT. but that didn't happen. he didn't save up his conversations and write them in letters. he always had to go have that twenty-minute conversation about computer gadgets or geneology with somebody who's paid by the hour. so, that didn't work.
it was always an uncomfortable strain to spend a lot of time talking about computers and technical stuff. i learned a little bit about computers, because i HAD to, because i was being harassed by hackers. it wasn't because i love computers for the sheer joy of working with computers and thinking about them and talking about them. it was necessity and maybe a little bit of interest, but not a lot. i could fake my way through a technical conversation, but like i said, it was an uncomfortable strain, not a conversation that i really enjoyed. and i was always thinking, 'i have to go wash the dishes, i have to go get the trash out, i have to go do this... what was i thinking? i forgot what i had to go do, oh no, let me think for a minute about what it was i was trying to remember... i can't think, this guy is here talking to me, i can't think, i can't remember what i had to do...' as soon as he started monopolizing my brain with his computer-gadget conversations, i couldn't remember all the tasks that i had to do, or how long it would take to do them. those are fragile thoughts, which are vulnerable to attack. i already have difficulty switching from one task to another, because it requires a form of hypnosis which is frequently zapped by the attackers and disrupted by voices and other events. (there's a book i bought years ago, called 'flow', by some author whose name i can't spell or pronounce - he's russian, or something, and it's mihaely michochenevsky or something, i'm just inventing that name. i would have to go look it up - the book is buried in a pile and i might not even have it here in pennsylvania, it could be in my book pile in west virginia. it talks about all the wonderful things i would be able to do if my brain were permitted to enter the mind-state known as 'flow' without being zapped by criminals, or slowed down and weakened by drugs and chemicals.)
okay.... this blog was a huge gripe. i warned you all that it would be extremely negative. and i still don't know what to do about dennis.
oh. and also, on another topic, i had a dream-vision that one of my friends from west virginia was talking to martin and asking him why he won't talk to me. and martin said, 'i don't feel like it.'
eric and i used to joke about how, in the movies, you can sometimes predict which characters are going to die. in horror movies, the characters usually commit some kind of 'sin' before dying. that way, you don't feel as bad about seeing them die. but you don't like to see the really good, likeable characters die. it even happened in the matrix, when mouse got killed shortly after he was seen looking at the picture of the woman in the red dress. in horror movies, 'sinful sex' is often the thing happening shortly before a character is killed. if anybody does anything 'wrong' or dislikeable, you can predict that they are about to die in the movie. 'oh well, they were a jerk anyway,' you say when the character dies.
it happened in the lord of the rings, which i watched recently. i don't know what happened in the book (it's been a while since i read it), but i have a feeling that the movie added a little bit of artistic interpretation when they portrayed haldir of lorien. (i think it's haldir and not 'haldor' - i might check the spelling first.)
aragorn said 'you are most welcome' and hugged haldir with gratitude for coming to helm's deep. and haldir's hands were stiff and he seemed shocked or distasteful about being hugged by aragorn. shortly after that, he died. most people watching the movie would say something like, 'oh, come on, loosen up and relax a little.' by that time, everyone is fond of aragorn, and they think haldir is just being snooty and snobby.
i have sympathy for haldir having an involuntary 'ick' response to hugging someone. i've experienced 1. mange, and 2. transdermal chemical or drug contamination, from hugging people. (they called it 'cooties' when we were children, and people interpreted cooties as 'lice', but i interpret them as mange or scabies.) mange is not just a nuisance to me, not just a discomfort - it actually causes big, infected scratches and scars all over my skin.
i've been forced awake, a couple hours ago, and people are asking me questions about dennis. about what's wrong with him, about why i have very negative feelings about him.
he came into work yesterday and asked me why i wasn't using the laptop he sold me (for a low price). he didn't SAY this out loud, but, i draw the conclusion that this is because i went to the library to upload videos, instead of using the laptop at a wireless connection, which is what i told him i intended to do with it.
my reaction to this is a feeling of ever-increasing irritation and annoyance. why the hell do i need to be 'secretive and sneaky' right now? why do i need to be 'secretive and sneaky' about uploading a couple of videos? i'm putting negative words on that - i usually describe it as, wanting to be anonymous. the laptop and wireless connection is for sometime in the future if and when i need to be online anonymously. i am nowhere near ready for that project, and i have much more urgent things to worry about right now.
i would want to be online anonymously if i wanted to avoid: people who AREN'T surveilling and following me physically as i go places, but who are still capable of hacking or observing what computer i'm using. that is a specific group of people. people who are ONLY hacking some computers, but aren't yet able to follow me everywhere i go, hacking into videocameras or whatever else they would need to do, or using an unknown method to follow me.
it's not only that, it's also, if i want to use a computer that doesn't have the particular viruses on it that mine inevitably has. the wireless laptop will get 'mostly anonymous and unconscious' viruses instead of spyware directed at me personally. it will get whatever spyware is sent to me from the people who follow me around physically. those things are 'slightly more difficult' to do. it is slightly more difficult to watch where i drive my car, and then send some spyware to the wireless connection i use at some public place. (or force me to get the idea to go to a particular location which has been chosen for me in advance.)
i was impatient and annoyed about the whole idea of that. why on earth would i NEED to use the laptop and wireless connection right now? i have an urgent need to move out of this apartment, and that's all i'm worried about. 'being secretive and sneaky' is very, very low on my priority list. using the library computers is sufficient. uploading the videos is 'entertainment only' and doesn't require being sneaky.
i mentioned a few days ago about how i got contaminated with an unknown drug or chemical when dennis hugged me while i was wearing my brand new uniform. it was a very brief hug. because of that, i am going to have to avoid hugging him AT ALL even though i originally believed it ought to be okay to give someone a friendly hug. i was trying to convince myself that maybe it would be okay, as long as i wasn't in uniform. but i am starting to think it isn't even okay when i am wearing my normal clothes. his contaminant is so bad, it affects my mood, it makes me depressed, it makes me angry and irritable, it makes me nauseated, and based on past experience, i know that contaminants do not wash out in the laundry, but instead spread around to the entire clothing instead of being removed.
i am having intense negative reactions merely at the sight of him or the thought of him. when i see him walking into the store, i get annoyed and irritated about his slow movement and his zombielike stare. i get irritated at the sight of him and everything about him. when he was talking to me, i started to get nauseated (faintly) even though i was a few feet away from him - probably because he had been chewing tobacco.
i am not even trying to 'boss him around' and tell him what he needs to do. this is because i ALREADY KNOW that he will NEVER do the things that i believe he needs to do. i am going to be very harsh and very blunt. it is cruel, and cold, and that's why i don't want to say it to him.
he can choose to follow MY standards, or he can choose to follow the 'mainstream USA' standard of dress and appearance, in order to attract mainstream women (or he can choose some other standard, neither of the above).
for the mainstream standard, it means he will have to shave his beard, lose weight, take showers every day, stop smelling like kerosene and tobacco, choose different clothing, and get rid of his camouflage baseball cap. (*Note. 'Losing Weight' is not at all easy to do. I do not know how to do it. When I have more time, I am interested in researching obesity, what causes it, and how to reduce it. I've already done a little bit of reading on this subject, but I still do not know of a reliable way to lose weight. I view obesity as the result of some other health problem, something complicated, and I say that it is not the person's fault. However, I mention it here because 'lose weight' is part of the mainstream USA recommendations, regardless of whether I agree or disagree.*)
i *HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE* baseball caps. i am so sick of seeing gaudy, ugly, multi-colored, patterned, or ugly-colored baseball caps ON EVERYBODY EVERYWHERE I GO. i can't stand them. and it's not only the color, it's also the shape. i can't stand the shape either, even if the colors aren't bad. i have said this before in my blog.
i understand that people want to wear hats to prevent their baldness from sunburning. this is a legitimate thing to be doing. pale-skinned people will burn on top of their heads, sometimes even if they still have hair. dennis is bald on top of his head, so i can understand that maybe he wants to wear some kind of hat to prevent sunburn.
however, he wears his baseball cap pulled down low over his face, over his eyes, in the 'i'm hiding my face deliberately' style. he's following the 'i don't want anyone to see me' standard of dress. this is something that mainstream USA disapproves of, if you are interested in attracting women. he also has a thick beard, which, once again, in the mainstream world, represents the 'i'm hiding from everyone and i don't want anyone to see my face' standard of dress. (in my natural grooming standards, a long beard is required (for ethnic groups that grow beards), and it does not indicate hiding or secrecy.)
he also wears glasses, which hide the emotions expressed by the eyes. i don't feel quite comfortable about contact lenses, so i accept that people need to wear glasses in order to see. (*note: 'energy saver' light bulbs destroy your eyes. they are extremely bad for you. some of them are better than others. but i, and other people, notice my eyes burning very badly after i have spent some time near energy saver bulbs. i can't read a book while sitting in barnes and noble, or in many other public restaurants and stores, if they're brightly lit with energy saving fluorescents. when i walk away, my vision is blurry for hours. if you want to make your eyesight worse, use those bulbs.*) however, wearing glasses, in combination with a baseball cap pulled low over your eyes, and a thick beard, is all about hiding your face from everybody, according to the mainstream point of view.
i actually prefer an amish straw hat over a mainstream USA baseball cap. i prefer hats that do not have patterns or mixed colors on them. something simple. i tend to like hats that have a brim all the way around, not just in the front. i tolerate fedora-type hats better than baseball caps. fedoras were a fashion fad not too long ago, but they didn't catch on, and baseball caps still rule.
i don't know why i dislike those things, but i do. i would prefer no hats at all. (this is all from the voices interrogating me about what i like or dislike about people's appearance.) but whenever i am forced to tolerate people wearing hats at all, there are some things i like more than others.
avoiding gaudy patterns: this is one reason why the amish chose to have all of their clothing simple and plain, because whenever you allow people to choose patterns and colors, they will always go down the 'slippery slope' and eventually you will live in a society full of people choosing the ugliest, most gaudy colors and patterns imaginable, which is what we have now. foreign people complain about the stereotypical badly-dressed american tourists. bad taste in clothing is something which is being frequently complained about, with regard to americans. i think this is a legitimate grievance. the stereotype is true.
in the usa, people think that having the right to choose gaudy, hideous clothing is a way of 'having more freedom.' and if they are asked to obey any standards at all, they see it as an infringement of their freedom. the freedom to dress really, really badly, all of the time, is a freedom that americans seem to value a lot. (yes, i have been interrogated about why i am so disgusted with mainstream society, why i hate television and fashion and all that.) they become indignant if you talk about possibly expecting them to dress better, or dress a certain way, or obey a standard, in their daily life (not just at the workplace).
i look at the amish people, and when i see them, i am never offended by their appearance. i don't want to be amish, nor am i creating a community based on the amish, but instead it is an intentional community that might be described as a 'reform' of various groups and beliefs, taking the good things from them, and getting rid of the bad things. not throwing the baby out with the bathwater. and not necessarily 'good or bad,' but rather, things that i like or dislike. some of it is subjective opinion and personal preference. i say that i am 'not offended' by the amish appearance - they don't look gaudy and awful to me - but i would ask that my community will disobey the bible with regard to long-haired men. the amish still keep men's hair short.
so, that is what dennis needs to do for his mainstream makeover. i am not asking him to do that.
MY makeover is much more difficult. it is a chemical-sensitivity, decontamination, health-improvement, natural grooming, changing-your-belief-systems makeover. and i *KNOW* that he will never, ever, in a million years, even BEGIN to do such a makeover. i am definitely not asking him to do my kind of makeover.
my so-called makeover requires dennis to do these things:
decontaminate himself. he, and everything he owns, is covered with unknown chemicals, including kerosene, tobacco, and possibly colloidal silver, and possibly something else unknown. these chemicals go through the skin, causing me to feel depressed, irritated, angry, nauseated, hopeless, tired, and slow-moving. dennis himself is slow-moving, zombielike, and apathetic about achievement and self-improvement, and i am guessing that he, too, is sick from his own chemicals, whatever they are, whether he knows it or not.
to decontaminate, he will have to do the same impossible, awful, traumatic, expensive things that i myself have done. i already know about contamination, but with me, it was a life-threatening poison that could not be removed, and i was willing to do drastic things to get rid of it. you CAN'T clean poisonous chemicals off of clothing. dennis must throw in the garbage every item of clothing he owns, because ALL of it is covered with tobacco and the smell of kerosene, and something unknown.
he must leave his trailer. it uses kerosene fuel for heating, and propane gas for the stove. to be healthy, and to avoid inhaling fumes, and to avoid smelling horrible, you cannot live in a house that uses fossil fuels. he has to go someplace that doesn't use those things. can you imagine me asking dennis to move out of his trailer? do you see why i don't even bother asking him to do the things i wish he would do?
he will have to get rid of a lot of his belongings. even things like his computers are covered with an unknown chemical, and the kerosene smell. i know it because it's on all of the computer equipment he's given me, including the laptop. all of those things smell like kerosene, and when i touch them, i get hit with some drug or chemical through the skin. he would have to wash every inch of every object thoroughly, and avoid recontaminating them afterwards, which means they could not stay in the kerosene-smelling trailer. again, do you see why i don't bother asking him to do this?
(i am adding this paragraph because 'the voices told me to.' they wanted me to talk more about the subject of weight loss. i actually wasn't even going to say this, originally.) i do not know how to advise him how to lose weight, because as i said above, weight loss is extremely difficult. it's something i've been interested in for a long time, and i've done some reading, but i can't advise anybody about it. so i don't necessarily ask him to lose weight. however, i'd ask him to change his diet, because there might be food sensitivities or other nutritional problems. so i would ask him to improve his nutrition, and his overall health. his food wasn't that bad, when i ate over there - what i mean is, i don't have a lot to complain about with how he eats. i liked his food and it was a good meal, and i appreciated it (i apologized to him several times about the fact that i can't stand to be in his trailer with the sickening fumes). i don't see any connection between the food he eats, versus how much he weighs. he doesn't overeat. he doesn't eat a lot. he didn't eat significantly more than i do. therefore, i say that his being overweight is caused by an unknown health problem that i cannot explain.
to follow my natural grooming standards, he would have to do the things i describe on the page about growing long hair. those are extreme and unusual things to do, and they are not for everyone. i am not asking him to do that. that is only for people who are joining my intentional community, which doesn't exist yet.
and this is where my 'being blunt' becomes 'being EVEN MORE blunt.' after doing all of those things, I STILL won't have sex with him! he could do all of the things i tell him to do, but i still don't want to have sex with him. he would have to obey all of those rules, only to find that after all of that effort, he still wasn't getting any sex. instead, i would be hoping that SOME OTHER woman would love him, marry him, and have sex with him - BUT *NOT ME*.
that is why i said he could choose the mainstream usa standard, instead of my standards. mainstream usa won't ask him to throw away all of his belongings and his clothing. most normal women won't realize that there is any chemical or drug contaminating all of his belongings - only a minority of people will notice that. so he can get away with maybe just cleaning up and not smelling like kerosene anymore and not chewing tobacco. and he can also get away with not losing weight, especially because he isn't severely overweight. however, he will have to (being even more blunt, here) go find a woman who would be viewed as un-attractive. not me. somebody else.
and again, i have been awakened at three in the morning and interrogated by voices, at a time when my stomach is burning and i feel very sick and i am in a very bad mood. and i've been getting more and more annoyed with dennis, over the past few weeks, because i KNOW that he will NOT do the things that i wish he would do to improve his health, improve his life, and improve his chances of finding a woman to marry, or to at least have sex with. i TRIED to give him what i thought was a basic level of human kindness, i tried to make myself willing to just give him a hug, just a minimum of human contact, but it turns out that i cannot even stand to touch him, and cannot even stand close to him without becoming nauseated and affected by his unknown chemicals. and when those chemicals contaminate my brand-new work uniform, and my other clothes, i don't even want to try that anymore at all. and i know i can't ask him to clean up, because decontamination is a HUGE project, and i know it from my own experience. it involves a huge expense, throwing a huge amount of your belongings and your clothing in the garbage, and it is extremely traumatic. i cried, and cried when i threw away my ephedra-contaminated clothing that gave me heart attacks every time i wore it.
and meanwhile, not just his toxic chemicals, but his behavior - about coming in to the place where i work, and then walking back and forth, and back and forth, and back and forth, six or seven times around the area where i work, hoping to catch my eye and start up another twenty-minute conversation about his computer gadgets or about his geneology project. while i'm on the clock! while my manager is right nearby watching me! while i'm being paid by the hour! while i'm getting yelled at about how i'm leaving work past nine o'clock when i'm scheduled to leave!
and so, merely at the sight of him, i am already very annoyed and irritated, every time i see him. there's nothing i can do for him - i don't think he's willing to go to the huge expense of doing the things that i think he needs to do, in order to help himself, and improve his health, and improve his social life (i'd tell him to go join a church, if he wasn't offended by religion). and even then, i can't guarantee that it will help! i'd like to learn more about medicine and alternative medicine, but i haven't had time for it. so, i still don't know how to solve his health problems. (the health problems he doesn't know he has! slow robotic movement, zombielike stare.) and after doing all of the things i would ask him to do, i would be hoping that some other woman would be with him, *not me*. so what motivation does he have to do it?
i can't even say, 'if you do these things, i'll have sex with you.' i can only say, 'if you do these things, your health might improve somewhat, and your mood and behavior and attitude and psychological health might improve, and you might get another job, and some other woman, not me, might date you or marry you, but i can't promise anything for sure.'
***
why did i give dennis my phone number and email address in the first place? this was a suspicious incident which fits in with all of the other things that i have been doing over the past year, and some of it was unnatural and forced. some of it was intended to be helpful to me because i have no friendships in state college, or at least i didn't before. when i got evicted from my apartment a few years ago, i had to go live in my ex-boyfriend's house, and we had huge arguments every day, and he became a puppet, and the beloved cats also became puppets, and eric was forced to initiate an argument (frequently, about nothing in particular, or about subjects we had already argued about) while i was in the middle of trying to sleep in between working two jobs, and the cats were forced to come scratch on my door loudly and repeatedly the instant i fell asleep. and if i let them in, they would walk around the room, knocking things over, climbing up on the table and the windowsill and the bed, meowing and acting obnoxious, making noises and keeping me awake, and then walking back out of the room again after having done nothing but make noises, and if i shut the door again, they would demand to come back in (as soon as i fell asleep), and do the same thing. it wasn't like the cats wanted to come into the room and would then snuggle up and fall asleep on the bed beside me. they would just go in there and do annoying things. i knew they were puppets - i already knew about people and animals being forced to do things, at the time when this happened - so i forgave them and i didn't rage at them, because they couldn't help it. they were being controlled. all i could do, when this happened, was pick up the cat and put him outdoors.
this is why i had to find some new friends in state college in case i had any more problems like being evicted.
so that was part of the overall idea of trying to make contacts with people, so that i would have somebody, anybody at all, in case of an emergency. that was part of the reason why i decided to give dennis my contact information and try to make friends with him. i was expecting that we might email each other from time to time and just stay in casual contact.
i had already had a problem with dennis before that. in the beginning, i met him because i made a pizza for him sometimes, and i often griped about not being able to find the ingredients, and that type of thing. so that was how we started chatting. but at one point, i decided to start avoiding him, and i'm not sure why. i am not sure what prompted that to happen. i suddenly, completely stopped talking to him, avoided eye contact, and would go someplace else if i saw him walking around. maybe i had already felt as though his conversations were taking too long, while i was on the clock? i don't remember for sure. so i was probably trying to stop having too-long conversations while i was on the clock - but again, that might not have really happened yet. i can't remember the reason why i started avoiding him.
i went a while avoiding him. then i suddenly changed my mind, and gave him my phone number and email address. i was hoping that we could be casual friends, and i was hoping that maybe, if he had my email address, he could *EMAIL* me instead of trying to talk to me for twenty minutes at a time, in the workplace. i was HOPING he would do THAT. but that didn't happen. he didn't save up his conversations and write them in letters. he always had to go have that twenty-minute conversation about computer gadgets or geneology with somebody who's paid by the hour. so, that didn't work.
it was always an uncomfortable strain to spend a lot of time talking about computers and technical stuff. i learned a little bit about computers, because i HAD to, because i was being harassed by hackers. it wasn't because i love computers for the sheer joy of working with computers and thinking about them and talking about them. it was necessity and maybe a little bit of interest, but not a lot. i could fake my way through a technical conversation, but like i said, it was an uncomfortable strain, not a conversation that i really enjoyed. and i was always thinking, 'i have to go wash the dishes, i have to go get the trash out, i have to go do this... what was i thinking? i forgot what i had to go do, oh no, let me think for a minute about what it was i was trying to remember... i can't think, this guy is here talking to me, i can't think, i can't remember what i had to do...' as soon as he started monopolizing my brain with his computer-gadget conversations, i couldn't remember all the tasks that i had to do, or how long it would take to do them. those are fragile thoughts, which are vulnerable to attack. i already have difficulty switching from one task to another, because it requires a form of hypnosis which is frequently zapped by the attackers and disrupted by voices and other events. (there's a book i bought years ago, called 'flow', by some author whose name i can't spell or pronounce - he's russian, or something, and it's mihaely michochenevsky or something, i'm just inventing that name. i would have to go look it up - the book is buried in a pile and i might not even have it here in pennsylvania, it could be in my book pile in west virginia. it talks about all the wonderful things i would be able to do if my brain were permitted to enter the mind-state known as 'flow' without being zapped by criminals, or slowed down and weakened by drugs and chemicals.)
okay.... this blog was a huge gripe. i warned you all that it would be extremely negative. and i still don't know what to do about dennis.
oh. and also, on another topic, i had a dream-vision that one of my friends from west virginia was talking to martin and asking him why he won't talk to me. and martin said, 'i don't feel like it.'
Thursday, April 16, 2009
hearing voices when i wake up
and yeah, when i say 'i was reminded about...' it DOES mean: i was asleep, and i woke up hearing voices, and they wanted me to post a blog. the voices were the usual whispers, i think. they were not the good audio quality. i don't remember enough because i was half asleep at the time. there is a lower level of whispers, which is still in the very high pitched range, but slightly less of a whisper, and more like a normal voice, and i think that's where it was.
anyway they were concerned that i would cause more confusion if i was saying there were only five emails, and didn't mention that i got two more emails from facebook. they were the less pleasant emails. i wasn't sitting there happily rereading the unpleasant ones, but instead, the early ones when it almost resembled a normal friendship between two people who are able to communicate with each other.
after i posted the blog, i heard them talking about the fact that i had posted a blog as though i had heard what they were talking about... if that makes any sense. i heard them talking about the blog i had just posted. they were wondering what it meant, if i meant that i was hearing voices. i was too tired to restart up the computer and write another blog. the idea was: we were just here discussing this, and then she posted a blog about it as though she could hear what we were saying.
then i went back to sleep again at some point, although i was having some trouble falling asleep, because i've been getting hit with stimulant drug contamination. but i did fall asleep, and when i woke up again later, i was being bombarded/brainwashed with positive messages about martin, that he was a good person and that he still needed my communication and my support. i don't mind as much being brainwashed with GOOD messages about somebody. i wouldn't want to be brainwashed with BAD messages about somebody.
after i read the old emails last night, i called his phone, with no hope that he would ever answer it, and found that the voice mail is still there and he still has that number. it's hard to talk, so i didn't say anything.
i have considered the idea of going through the emails i sent, and tearing them apart - writing in another text color which words seem okay to me and which words seem like artificial words inserted into the text. this is a big project. i've looked at at least one email like that before and it made me angry. it was this email that spoke to him like he was a child, or at least that's how it looked to me. that was shortly after it seemed like he had stopped answering. i was already anticipating exactly what was about to happen: months and months of not being answered, while i would probably be forced to do degrading, humiliating, self-destructive things to try to get his attention. i didn't know what they were going to make me do and i was terrified that it would result in another arrest. the house is contaminated with herbal drugs that hit me once in a while and affect my moods and behavior. when that happens i do impulsive things.
knowing about transdermal contamination is one of the most important things people need to know, but don't have any idea about. all herbs will do it, if you grow medicinal herbs as live plants, and if you merely even handle the SEEDS. all i did was handle some seeds, and grew a few small plants that sprouted and then seemed to die off. (i found out that i was accidentally using soil filled with a walnut tree poison called juglone, which kills other plants. i had gotten the soil from outside my house.) that was enough to contaminate a lot of my belongings, my laundry, and the carpets. this would be very important if you were growing herbs that were more dangerous or illegal.
pharmaceutical drugs do it too, but you don't necessarily need to worry about ALL pharmaceutical drugs. i wouldn't worry too much about a bottle of ibuprofen. it's when you get drugs that really affect your mental state, or cause severe side effects or withdrawal effects, that the problem occurs. people will mysteriously go crazy and nobody knows why, because they are being exposed to low levels of a drug going through their skin. if it's psychiatric drugs, then the results are pretty bad. other kinds of drugs will cause withdrawal effects, which can be dangerous. once you wash off the contaminant, you will then go into withdrawal.
and yes, it can cause weight gain. i look at the news articles where they say that 'weight gain is contagious' and they say that when people are friends with each other, they all overeat together, which explains why a whole group of friends are all overweight. i have a different interpretation - i usually assume overweight people are hanging out together because thin people don't understand what their life is like, and i think that's the main explanation. but the other theory could be that a thin person might gain weight by being exposed to whatever drug/poison is causing the other person to be overweight.
anyway they were concerned that i would cause more confusion if i was saying there were only five emails, and didn't mention that i got two more emails from facebook. they were the less pleasant emails. i wasn't sitting there happily rereading the unpleasant ones, but instead, the early ones when it almost resembled a normal friendship between two people who are able to communicate with each other.
after i posted the blog, i heard them talking about the fact that i had posted a blog as though i had heard what they were talking about... if that makes any sense. i heard them talking about the blog i had just posted. they were wondering what it meant, if i meant that i was hearing voices. i was too tired to restart up the computer and write another blog. the idea was: we were just here discussing this, and then she posted a blog about it as though she could hear what we were saying.
then i went back to sleep again at some point, although i was having some trouble falling asleep, because i've been getting hit with stimulant drug contamination. but i did fall asleep, and when i woke up again later, i was being bombarded/brainwashed with positive messages about martin, that he was a good person and that he still needed my communication and my support. i don't mind as much being brainwashed with GOOD messages about somebody. i wouldn't want to be brainwashed with BAD messages about somebody.
after i read the old emails last night, i called his phone, with no hope that he would ever answer it, and found that the voice mail is still there and he still has that number. it's hard to talk, so i didn't say anything.
i have considered the idea of going through the emails i sent, and tearing them apart - writing in another text color which words seem okay to me and which words seem like artificial words inserted into the text. this is a big project. i've looked at at least one email like that before and it made me angry. it was this email that spoke to him like he was a child, or at least that's how it looked to me. that was shortly after it seemed like he had stopped answering. i was already anticipating exactly what was about to happen: months and months of not being answered, while i would probably be forced to do degrading, humiliating, self-destructive things to try to get his attention. i didn't know what they were going to make me do and i was terrified that it would result in another arrest. the house is contaminated with herbal drugs that hit me once in a while and affect my moods and behavior. when that happens i do impulsive things.
knowing about transdermal contamination is one of the most important things people need to know, but don't have any idea about. all herbs will do it, if you grow medicinal herbs as live plants, and if you merely even handle the SEEDS. all i did was handle some seeds, and grew a few small plants that sprouted and then seemed to die off. (i found out that i was accidentally using soil filled with a walnut tree poison called juglone, which kills other plants. i had gotten the soil from outside my house.) that was enough to contaminate a lot of my belongings, my laundry, and the carpets. this would be very important if you were growing herbs that were more dangerous or illegal.
pharmaceutical drugs do it too, but you don't necessarily need to worry about ALL pharmaceutical drugs. i wouldn't worry too much about a bottle of ibuprofen. it's when you get drugs that really affect your mental state, or cause severe side effects or withdrawal effects, that the problem occurs. people will mysteriously go crazy and nobody knows why, because they are being exposed to low levels of a drug going through their skin. if it's psychiatric drugs, then the results are pretty bad. other kinds of drugs will cause withdrawal effects, which can be dangerous. once you wash off the contaminant, you will then go into withdrawal.
and yes, it can cause weight gain. i look at the news articles where they say that 'weight gain is contagious' and they say that when people are friends with each other, they all overeat together, which explains why a whole group of friends are all overweight. i have a different interpretation - i usually assume overweight people are hanging out together because thin people don't understand what their life is like, and i think that's the main explanation. but the other theory could be that a thin person might gain weight by being exposed to whatever drug/poison is causing the other person to be overweight.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
obesity is chemical-induced
the drug-induced trivial fat gain has a cause. i have been looking to figure out what triggered it. i can feel the fat now and it's become uncomfortable. it's been gradually appearing over the past few weeks. as always, it's on my butt. a guy called me 'bubble butt' all the way back in fifth grade, because my butt stuck out just a little bit more than average, and it was noticeable.
i'm still within my range - i weighed myself and i was 128. for the past decade, i've ranged from 120-130 most of the time.
i'm thinking it's one of a couple things.
1. the futon. it has the poison that was in the back of the trunk. i don't know what exactly that poison is. i thought it was tobacco and ephedra, but sometimes, it's behaving more like sjw. actually, it doesn't seem much like ephedra, usually, because it isn't drying out my sinuses very much. it causes head pressure. repeatedly using, and then quitting, transdermal tobacco, might cause weight gain. smokers always say they gain weight when they quit. whatever it is, something awful is all over the futon, even on the plastic cover that i tried to put over it.
2. using, or quitting, transdermal sjw oil (the one i was making and applying deliberately). i've quit sjw in the past, and the withdrawal causes temporary weight gain, but also, it sometimes seems like just USING it causes temporary weight gain. i haven't used it much at all for several weeks, because it interacts with the futon/trunk poison so severely that i feel like my head will explode when i'm lying down. it has been causing very severe problems. the poison got all over my clothes really, really badly, because of lying on the futon. i HAD to stop using it because of the severity of the drug interaction with the futon poison.
3. quitting sjw vapor. the vapors are a slightly different drug with different behavior than the transdermal. i have now withdrawn from that particular plant constituent. i don't know how long withdrawal-induced weight gain will last.
4. i'm reluctant to call this a possible cause, because i don't believe in the 'eating-and-exercise' theory of obesity. however, i haven't been taking walks by the duckpond because it's too cold and i don't have a nontoxic jacket. those walks were always very, very slow - so slow and so quiet that it can't possibly explain why i was able to maintain my weight. i've been sedentary for years, sitting around indoors doing nothing, playing video games, reading the internet, etc, and i hardly exercise at all. exercise ISN'T the reason why i usually stay thin. exercise has nothing to do with my weight, for the most part. i just sit around and do nothing, usually.
5. the bathtub, and whatever is in it. i've been sitting in the bathtub a lot, because it's wintertime, and i need the hot water. i've had some events where sitting in the bathtub has triggered my breasts to hurt. my breasts never hurt before i got the plastic tooth fillings. they have continued to hurt, sometimes very badly, all these months, and even now. according to the theory, the water sits inside of plastic pipes, absorbing plastic, which might be absorbed through my skin when i lie in the bathtub. it could also be copper, or something else in the pipes, or in the water. anyway, i often get contaminated when i lie in the bathtub, because every time i take a shower, the poison from my clothing runs off me and collects on the shower floor. that is the same poison that came from the futon. it causes heart pounding.
6. the absence/withdrawal of the poisons that were on my air mattress. the air mattress was slightly contaminated with something. but it had a vinyl cover on it and it wasn't very toxic, most of the time. the futon is much more toxic (even with its vinyl cover). i don't really feel sure if i was toxic on the air mattress or not. anyway, since i'm not using the air mattress anymore, i no longer am in contact with whatever was on it.
7. touching people who have been associated with pharmaceutical drugs. i hugged mark and i have also hugged sue, whose son was on drugs (until he threatened to commit drug-induced suicide, and they had to get rid of all guns and weapons, and they took him off the drugs because of it). those both happened in the past month. this seems far-fetched, though, and it would have worn off quickly from whatever small amounts i would have gotten from either of them. i think it's the futon, because that's so severe and so unavoidable.
again, ALL of my experiences with temporary weight gain have been obviously triggered by using and quitting drugs. i usually notice the slight changes within the first 24 hours or so after using a drug. but it always goes away. this time, it's been accumulating, because i've had this futon problem which is giving me daily, constant doses. and i don't know exactly what the drug is, either, since there are several constituents of several different plants, in different locations. whatever is in the trunk, it's horrible.
this is frustrating. we don't know how far it will go. my highest was at 145 in college, in a situation where i was drinking glasses of whole milk with every meal, and eating really big meals three times a day (that's the only time when 'eating a lot' was connected with fat gain). i said it before, when i stopped drinking the milk, i lost all of the weight very quickly, and went down to something ranging around 130-135. after that, i came to state college, and started working and living on my own, and i dropped down to the 120s range, where i have been most of the past decade.
somebody said something to me the other day and i don't know if he was a puppet or if he originated the comment. i bought my lunch, and he said 'eating light today, are we?'
the answer is no. i was not 'eating light.' I DO NOT 'DIET,' NOR DO I 'EAT LIGHT.' in my universe, there is no such thing as 'eating light' as a solution for poison-induced fat changes. i was eating the same type of foods that i always eat. the only dietary change that ever made much difference in my weight was quitting milk.
i don't even want to get started, because it would take too long, about how EATING does not cause fat gain. eating and obesity are so unrelated that you might as well say that wearing orange clothing causes weight gain, or reading books written by people named 'frieda,' or driving a mercedes. none of those things cause weight gain, and neither does 'eating.'
obesity is caused by: (in random order, not ordered by importance!)
1. bovine growth hormone
2. pesticides and herbicides
3. drugs
4. vaccine-induced adipose tissue damage (this is only a theory)
5. bottle-feeding infant formula instead of breastfeeding; bottle feeding AT ALL, no matter what kind of milk you put in the bottle, causes babies to drink differently, to drink larger quantities, than they do from the breast, because breasts don't squirt out as much milk as quickly as bottles do. soy formula is the WORST. pasteurized cow's milk is bad, especially if it has rBGH in it. bottle-feeding formula is the strongest theory, the most well-known, the most clearcut and obvious, the strongest cause-and-effect, of all the theories i mentioned so far. it is probably ***THE*** reason for america's obesity crisis, along with pharmaceutical drugs.
6. vegetable oils, hydrogenated oils - i don't know how strongly these cause obesity, but they're bad for you. i know for certain that vegetable oils trigger arthritis, and all-over body pain, from personal experience.
7. plastic, perhaps during prenatal phase? this is only a theory. my plastic fillings caused such severe breast pain, and it's still going on, that i believe plastic fillings could probably screw up a fetus really, really badly, and i intend to drill mine out (even at the expense of losing my teeth) whenever i become pregnant.
8. i'm sure i'll think of a couple other things
EATING FOOD is NOT EVEN ON THAT LIST of the causes of obesity. THAT IS HOW LITTLE IMPORTANCE I PLACE on the theory that 'eating too much causes you to get fat.' that statement is so meaningless that it has no use at all. what causes someone to EAT MORE than some other person? what causes that person to choose a different TYPE of food? there is always some other cause behind that one. but people talk about 'eating too much' as though it's something that happens randomly and spontaneously, for no reason, with no cause, just because you're stupid, or greedy, or self-loathing, or you don't care about yourself, etc, etc - psychological theories are crap.
i'd have to get into a conversation with somebody in order to actually collect the fallacies about eating and obesity, in order to name them and identify them all. basically, ALL of the beliefs about food and fat are totally wrong and meaningless and useless. they explain nothing. they don't explain why i can eat 50 calories, and stay thin, while somebody sitting next to me will eat exactly the same 50 calories, the same type of food, and get fat. you see these huge, overweight, morbidly obese people eating dainty little salads. THEY ARE ***NOT*** EATING TOO MUCH! some of these morbidly obese people EAT LESS THAN I DO! granted, maybe not forever, but for weeks at a time, they diet, but they can't eat that way forever. - but my nutrition teacher pointed something out: whenever you are carrying around a huge amount of weight, you BURN CALORIES just by carrying that weight and expending that effort. imagine if you carried a big sack of potatoes on your back all the time. you are burning calories just by carrying it. their whole bodies are covered in heavy weights. they have to eat lots of calories just to expend the effort of moving around; therefore they USE those calories they eat. fat people exercise more than i do!
this is a topic that angers me greatly, because fat people are so ashamed, and everybody makes fun of them and blames them for the problem, when IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT. it's like making fun of somebody in a wheelchair, or making fun of somebody with AIDS, or making fun of somebody with a birth defect. it's not their fault at all, and they have absolutely no control over it.
over the past few weeks, during the futon poison, i have been very, very exhausted and tired. i haven't been able to do much of anything at all. my (poison-induced) chronic fatigue has been terrible. whatever the poison is, it is doing terrible things to my body. it could even be borax, for all i know, because that was also in the laundry that contaminated the trunk of the car.
i don't want to hear voices telling me that i look GOOD with the extra fat. i also don't want to hear voices telling me i look BAD with the extra fat! they have already been telling me, and they've been nagging and they gave me that nightmare. THERE IS A ***CAUSE*** FOR THIS TEMPORARY FAT GAIN! this has happened to me before.
it will go away, because, like i said, this has happened before, and it has a cause. it's always been temporary and related to the usage/quitting of drugs, and also, drinking milk.
i'm still within my range - i weighed myself and i was 128. for the past decade, i've ranged from 120-130 most of the time.
i'm thinking it's one of a couple things.
1. the futon. it has the poison that was in the back of the trunk. i don't know what exactly that poison is. i thought it was tobacco and ephedra, but sometimes, it's behaving more like sjw. actually, it doesn't seem much like ephedra, usually, because it isn't drying out my sinuses very much. it causes head pressure. repeatedly using, and then quitting, transdermal tobacco, might cause weight gain. smokers always say they gain weight when they quit. whatever it is, something awful is all over the futon, even on the plastic cover that i tried to put over it.
2. using, or quitting, transdermal sjw oil (the one i was making and applying deliberately). i've quit sjw in the past, and the withdrawal causes temporary weight gain, but also, it sometimes seems like just USING it causes temporary weight gain. i haven't used it much at all for several weeks, because it interacts with the futon/trunk poison so severely that i feel like my head will explode when i'm lying down. it has been causing very severe problems. the poison got all over my clothes really, really badly, because of lying on the futon. i HAD to stop using it because of the severity of the drug interaction with the futon poison.
3. quitting sjw vapor. the vapors are a slightly different drug with different behavior than the transdermal. i have now withdrawn from that particular plant constituent. i don't know how long withdrawal-induced weight gain will last.
4. i'm reluctant to call this a possible cause, because i don't believe in the 'eating-and-exercise' theory of obesity. however, i haven't been taking walks by the duckpond because it's too cold and i don't have a nontoxic jacket. those walks were always very, very slow - so slow and so quiet that it can't possibly explain why i was able to maintain my weight. i've been sedentary for years, sitting around indoors doing nothing, playing video games, reading the internet, etc, and i hardly exercise at all. exercise ISN'T the reason why i usually stay thin. exercise has nothing to do with my weight, for the most part. i just sit around and do nothing, usually.
5. the bathtub, and whatever is in it. i've been sitting in the bathtub a lot, because it's wintertime, and i need the hot water. i've had some events where sitting in the bathtub has triggered my breasts to hurt. my breasts never hurt before i got the plastic tooth fillings. they have continued to hurt, sometimes very badly, all these months, and even now. according to the theory, the water sits inside of plastic pipes, absorbing plastic, which might be absorbed through my skin when i lie in the bathtub. it could also be copper, or something else in the pipes, or in the water. anyway, i often get contaminated when i lie in the bathtub, because every time i take a shower, the poison from my clothing runs off me and collects on the shower floor. that is the same poison that came from the futon. it causes heart pounding.
6. the absence/withdrawal of the poisons that were on my air mattress. the air mattress was slightly contaminated with something. but it had a vinyl cover on it and it wasn't very toxic, most of the time. the futon is much more toxic (even with its vinyl cover). i don't really feel sure if i was toxic on the air mattress or not. anyway, since i'm not using the air mattress anymore, i no longer am in contact with whatever was on it.
7. touching people who have been associated with pharmaceutical drugs. i hugged mark and i have also hugged sue, whose son was on drugs (until he threatened to commit drug-induced suicide, and they had to get rid of all guns and weapons, and they took him off the drugs because of it). those both happened in the past month. this seems far-fetched, though, and it would have worn off quickly from whatever small amounts i would have gotten from either of them. i think it's the futon, because that's so severe and so unavoidable.
again, ALL of my experiences with temporary weight gain have been obviously triggered by using and quitting drugs. i usually notice the slight changes within the first 24 hours or so after using a drug. but it always goes away. this time, it's been accumulating, because i've had this futon problem which is giving me daily, constant doses. and i don't know exactly what the drug is, either, since there are several constituents of several different plants, in different locations. whatever is in the trunk, it's horrible.
this is frustrating. we don't know how far it will go. my highest was at 145 in college, in a situation where i was drinking glasses of whole milk with every meal, and eating really big meals three times a day (that's the only time when 'eating a lot' was connected with fat gain). i said it before, when i stopped drinking the milk, i lost all of the weight very quickly, and went down to something ranging around 130-135. after that, i came to state college, and started working and living on my own, and i dropped down to the 120s range, where i have been most of the past decade.
somebody said something to me the other day and i don't know if he was a puppet or if he originated the comment. i bought my lunch, and he said 'eating light today, are we?'
the answer is no. i was not 'eating light.' I DO NOT 'DIET,' NOR DO I 'EAT LIGHT.' in my universe, there is no such thing as 'eating light' as a solution for poison-induced fat changes. i was eating the same type of foods that i always eat. the only dietary change that ever made much difference in my weight was quitting milk.
i don't even want to get started, because it would take too long, about how EATING does not cause fat gain. eating and obesity are so unrelated that you might as well say that wearing orange clothing causes weight gain, or reading books written by people named 'frieda,' or driving a mercedes. none of those things cause weight gain, and neither does 'eating.'
obesity is caused by: (in random order, not ordered by importance!)
1. bovine growth hormone
2. pesticides and herbicides
3. drugs
4. vaccine-induced adipose tissue damage (this is only a theory)
5. bottle-feeding infant formula instead of breastfeeding; bottle feeding AT ALL, no matter what kind of milk you put in the bottle, causes babies to drink differently, to drink larger quantities, than they do from the breast, because breasts don't squirt out as much milk as quickly as bottles do. soy formula is the WORST. pasteurized cow's milk is bad, especially if it has rBGH in it. bottle-feeding formula is the strongest theory, the most well-known, the most clearcut and obvious, the strongest cause-and-effect, of all the theories i mentioned so far. it is probably ***THE*** reason for america's obesity crisis, along with pharmaceutical drugs.
6. vegetable oils, hydrogenated oils - i don't know how strongly these cause obesity, but they're bad for you. i know for certain that vegetable oils trigger arthritis, and all-over body pain, from personal experience.
7. plastic, perhaps during prenatal phase? this is only a theory. my plastic fillings caused such severe breast pain, and it's still going on, that i believe plastic fillings could probably screw up a fetus really, really badly, and i intend to drill mine out (even at the expense of losing my teeth) whenever i become pregnant.
8. i'm sure i'll think of a couple other things
EATING FOOD is NOT EVEN ON THAT LIST of the causes of obesity. THAT IS HOW LITTLE IMPORTANCE I PLACE on the theory that 'eating too much causes you to get fat.' that statement is so meaningless that it has no use at all. what causes someone to EAT MORE than some other person? what causes that person to choose a different TYPE of food? there is always some other cause behind that one. but people talk about 'eating too much' as though it's something that happens randomly and spontaneously, for no reason, with no cause, just because you're stupid, or greedy, or self-loathing, or you don't care about yourself, etc, etc - psychological theories are crap.
i'd have to get into a conversation with somebody in order to actually collect the fallacies about eating and obesity, in order to name them and identify them all. basically, ALL of the beliefs about food and fat are totally wrong and meaningless and useless. they explain nothing. they don't explain why i can eat 50 calories, and stay thin, while somebody sitting next to me will eat exactly the same 50 calories, the same type of food, and get fat. you see these huge, overweight, morbidly obese people eating dainty little salads. THEY ARE ***NOT*** EATING TOO MUCH! some of these morbidly obese people EAT LESS THAN I DO! granted, maybe not forever, but for weeks at a time, they diet, but they can't eat that way forever. - but my nutrition teacher pointed something out: whenever you are carrying around a huge amount of weight, you BURN CALORIES just by carrying that weight and expending that effort. imagine if you carried a big sack of potatoes on your back all the time. you are burning calories just by carrying it. their whole bodies are covered in heavy weights. they have to eat lots of calories just to expend the effort of moving around; therefore they USE those calories they eat. fat people exercise more than i do!
this is a topic that angers me greatly, because fat people are so ashamed, and everybody makes fun of them and blames them for the problem, when IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT. it's like making fun of somebody in a wheelchair, or making fun of somebody with AIDS, or making fun of somebody with a birth defect. it's not their fault at all, and they have absolutely no control over it.
over the past few weeks, during the futon poison, i have been very, very exhausted and tired. i haven't been able to do much of anything at all. my (poison-induced) chronic fatigue has been terrible. whatever the poison is, it is doing terrible things to my body. it could even be borax, for all i know, because that was also in the laundry that contaminated the trunk of the car.
i don't want to hear voices telling me that i look GOOD with the extra fat. i also don't want to hear voices telling me i look BAD with the extra fat! they have already been telling me, and they've been nagging and they gave me that nightmare. THERE IS A ***CAUSE*** FOR THIS TEMPORARY FAT GAIN! this has happened to me before.
it will go away, because, like i said, this has happened before, and it has a cause. it's always been temporary and related to the usage/quitting of drugs, and also, drinking milk.
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