10:20 PM 7/19/10
I've had recurring problems over the past few weeks with ephedra drug residues, even though I got new 'fake' work uniforms that ought to be clean. I think now it's on the vinyl car seat cover, so I am going to replace that or cover it with something. Hopefully that will help. It's making me unable to sleep, and I've had the pounding heart too.
I wore shorts while driving my car, and after that, I tried to lie down and sleep, but I felt the ephedra sensation of being totally awake and unable to relax while my heart was pounding. So I took a shower, and it still was there, and I took another shower. I think it's on my 'bed' too (the little styrofoam cushion I sleep on), so I'm going to cover that up. It's horrible being unable to relax or sleep at all.
****
I got another real phone call with Curtis. I called him because he told me that he either got thrown out, or chose to leave - I'm not sure which it is - because he and his stepfather had a fight, and his stepfather told him he had to start paying rent. I didn't get to talk with him about 'our relationship' during that call - I only asked him some questions about what he's doing now. He's moving in with his girlfriend Carrie, who is not charging him rent - her grandmother is allowing him to stay there.
I also had a long text message conversation with somebody on Saturday night. I say 'somebody' because it might not have even been Curtis I was talking to. I don't want to rely on text messages because I get very paranoid about 1. hackers, or 2. somebody else picking up his phone and talking to me while pretending to be him. He told me once that somebody else had borrowed his phone, and this happened during a time when 'they' forced me to start trying to text message him, so I was sending him messages while somebody else had his phone.
A few things made me believe it wasn't him.
1. The texter 'forgot' that I hear voices. I mentioned it, and the person was like, 'what, you hear voices?' And the real-world conversation with Curtis, where I told him that I hear voices, was a very important and memorable conversation, and I've mentioned it to him several times since then, in person and in handwritten notes I've given to him.
2. Near the end of the conversation they casually said, 'Well, there are like 6 other girls who want to be with me, so, no,' ('no,' as in, I'm not desperate enough to go out with you. I had said 'the voices were saying things like, 'I'm not that desperate,' which I interpreted as, Curtis isn't desperate enough to go out with me.) In the real world, Curtis sometimes acts like he is excited by me or attracted to me. He wouldn't see it as 'desperate,' and he wouldn't brush me off so easily and casually, with so little kindness or tactfulness.
3. I started the text messaging by describing things Curtis had physically done with me in the real world over the past few days. He had gently stroked my fingers under a paper plate that I was handing him with a piece of pizza on it, and it felt... sooo... good. You could not even imagine how wonderful it feels to have someone stroke your fingers that way. I was reliving it for several minutes afterwards. That happened after a conversation in which I had offered to 'help him with money,' and he had said, 'I can't take your money, that's YOUR money,' and I threw my head back and laughed loudly. (Rule of thumb: The louder they laugh, the more it must have hurt. In certain situations, I laugh when I'm emotionally hurt or when I want to cry. He had rejected my 'last resort,' offering money.) A couple days later he stood very, very close behind me and another lady who I was with, and he was so close I could feel his electric field, that tickly feeling on my skin, like every hair was standing up with the static electricity. I described these incidents (briefly, with little detail) and the texter responded with 'OIC,' and that was all. So I asked, 'what do you see?' and that was how we started. It got a response from SOMEONE, that was all I knew. Nothing like 'I remember that,' or anything.
4. When I asked 'what do you see?' they wouldn't answer the question at first. I was checking to see if I was talking to a robot, an artificial intelligence, some program giving me random answers. So I demonstrated what I meant. I said, 'I see a brightly lit cell phone surrounded by darkness.' To this, they responded, 'I see Carrie making out with her friend Jayme.' I said, 'Hi Carrie, am I talking to you?' Carrie described herself on Facebook as 'most likely to get kinky' in one of those little 'tag your friends' images going around a few weeks ago. It didn't feel like something Curtis would say. It seemed insincere. But I continued assuming I was talking to Curtis himself, without knowing for sure.
I think there were a few other things that seemed strange and not like him - things he 'forgot' about me, which he knew in the real world, that kind of thing. I had another incident where he and I were texting, and something went wrong, and we got cut off, and he approached me in the real world afterwards, seeming anxious and worried, asking me if I had a letter to give him like I had said in the text - even though 'he' said in the text messages that I should stop giving him letters. We had a technical glitch: a text message from him got sent to me three times in a row, and I heard voices later on quoting from The Matrix: 'Deja vu - it happens when they change something.' (Scene where the black cat walks past Neo twice in a row.) Then after that I got the 'stop doing it' message, and then, no more replies. So, we've had weird problems with text messaging before.
He says 'no' online, and 'yes' in the real world. He says yes by calling me sweet, loving, and sometimes sexual pet names, very often. Not just once in a while, but all the time. Sometimes I laugh when he says these things, I can't help it - it seems too good to be true. 'Oh, you say that to ALL the girls' would be the response that I feel. He says yes in his body language and in all his behavior and his expressions of feeling in the real world. But I have trouble reaching him on the phone, in text, on facebook and myspace, and in email.
So, I haven't yet spoken with him to find out if he even remembers having this long text message conversation on Saturday night. I'm feeling paranoid about it and I will have my theories about who I was really talking to, until he talks to me in person about it.
The texter also said, 'can I ask you a question?' and then asked, 'are you a virgin?' I said, 'you don't read my blog,' and they said, 'I don't go on the internet very much.' I told them no, I'm not a virgin, and I explained my boyfriend situation (Peter, health problems, we're not having sex, he's married, etc). The texter said, 'so he's like a boyfriend?' This was another thing that 'Curtis' 'forgot,' because I have already given him a handwritten note explaining my boyfriend situation with Peter. He knows I have a boyfriend. I think we've talked about it out loud too, but I can't remember for sure.
They might have gotten the 'I'm a virgin' idea because I recently wrote a facebook status that said, 'my trusting, innocent eyes can't see the racist hidden message in the world cup logo.' That's one theory as to where this idea came from. I'm trusting and innocent, but not THAT innocent, not 35 years of virginity innocent. The voices were FURIOUS later on at this insult. They took it to mean that the person was saying, I'm so ugly and unnatractive, so rejected, so pathetic, that in 35 years, I've NEVER had a boyfriend, and NOBODY has ever been attracted to me. They took it as a huge, unthinkable, unimaginable insult. They took it to mean that, because I have a mustache and I don't shave it, no man has ever wanted me in my entire life. I was grateful for this particular voice talking to me, because it was defending me and defending my dignity. It said that the female mustache is a respected part of my religious tradition, even though this religion is unknown to the mainstream world, and that we see it as reviving a long-lost culture that disappeared a long time ago, a respected culture, not something to make fun of the way the mainstream world makes fun of it. For whatever reason, the world decided that female mustaches are something funny and ridiculous and ugly, instead of something respected and beautiful and sexually attractive, and I don't know the reasons why they decided that. So this voice was defending me against the clueless person and their deadly insult.
Curtis is losing his driver's license very soon, in the next couple days. He will be stuck out in Carrie's world, and Carrie is driving him to work. He will be depending totally on her. If I can't reach him by phone, and if he loses his job, I won't be able to reach him at all unless I do something inappropriate, some kind of stalking activity that goes beyond what Curtis has given me permission to do. He's never given me permission to find Carrie's address and go out there for a visit, and that's what I'd have to do to reach him. So I am very afraid of what is going to happen. I don't want to lose him, and work is the only place where I can see him. And I love looking at him. He makes me so much happier during my work hours, just looking across the room and seeing him standing there, or looking into his eyes when he walks by, even if we don't get to talk.
'They,' the voices, and I agree on something: I might be officially calling myself a hebephile. Curtis has fetal alcohol syndrome, and because of that, he is very, very, very small for his age. He is so skinny that I can see the fabric of his shirt draped over the bones of his shoulder blades. And my attraction to him is very intense, much more intense than my attraction to any fully grown man. He is also short in height, only a few inches taller than I am. He is also totally flat-chested, with no developed muscles and no breast tissue. (Yes, I sometimes like 'moobs,' man-boobs, depending on the guy - they can be very sexy. But I also like flat-chested guys. And oddly enough, a muscular chest is what I like LEAST. 'Moobs' are more desirable to me, sometimes, than a muscular chest.) Those things make him seem like an early teenager, not someone in his late teens.
I compared him to another guy who just recently started working there. There is a guy who is similar height, and he's young too, and he seems to weigh only just a little bit more. But he is a tiny bit stockier, a tiny bit more muscular, with a 'meaty' look to his shoulders, a thickness in his back, instead of the bony shoulder blades sticking out. And that 'meaty' look gives me a slightly repulsed feeling - I find this guy less attractive because he is slightly more muscular and meaty, even though he is still short and small. Again, more evidence for going all the way down to the 'hebephile' age group of 11-14 years old, instead of the 'ephebophile' age group of 15-19. I'm attracted to the group of boys who are so young that they haven't even developed big muscles yet.
But Curtis's face has matured somewhat and he doesn't have the same type of little kid 'cuteness' that a 12 year old has, and I don't mind - I love his face. He has a little bit of the 'chubby cheeks' look that all teenagers still have, since their faces and skulls are still not fully adult, not yet fully grown, but it isn't as 'chubby cheeks' as, for instance, Justin Bieber (who I commented about a few blogs ago), and I actually don't feel sexually attracted to Justin Bieber. C's face is beautiful and cute and sexually attractive to me, and it looks like an older teen's face, not a little kid's face. It's hard to explain what I mean by 'chubby cheeks' and how that would describe Curtis, because if you look at him, he is mostly adult and has kind of narrow cheeks, depending on which angle you look at. It's a subtle, in-between stage, something temporary, something hard to describe. Whatever cuteness is, it's something about their cheeks, that's all I can explain. I like reading about 'cuteness' in Wikipedia, and I like the idea that scientists have tried to define what makes someone cute.
Not only that, but also, I am strongly attracted to armpit hair and facial hair. When Curtis doesn't shave for a day or two, I am fascinated with the hair on his face. (And he skipped shaving recently because of moving out of his house and the daily grooming routine being upset, so I got to see this again.) I love to look at the little millimeters of stubble on his chin and his cheeks and mouth. So that argues for me liking an older age group instead of the 11-14 age group. It's only the older teens who have started to grow facial hair.
Have I obsessed long enough about this topic??? It's time to post this. This is long because I've had lots of coffee to make me feel better after the ephedra problem I had earlier today. Coffee makes it easier to tolerate that exhausted feeling I get from the transdermal drug residue poisoning. I should go eat instead of blogging.
The main theme of the past few days: Being terrified that I will lose Curtis because he got thrown out of his parents' house and is now living with Carrie, and he's losing his driver's license and she will be driving him to work. If I don't see him at work, and if our telephone and text messages are getting hacked and intercepted or just picked up by Carrie in a mundane, non-hacking way (just by picking up the phone and answering my messages, or deleting my voice mails), then I won't be able to reach him at all. This is what I've been afraid of all this time.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Chobits: Why do people want to have sex with robots?
9:34 PM 7/13/10
I just finished the first book of Chobits. I didn't know there were two books. The second one isn't on the shelf at Barnes & Noble. I don't know if they're getting another copy of it, or what, but eventually I'll read it.
It's making me think about several things.
cuteness
social superiority
which instinct is left out
raising children
someone unable to judge you
pet names: sick, helpless, incapacitated, etc.
competing against someone and being unable to compete for reasons that are permanent and unchanging
death, self-preservation, children, immortality
touch, hugging, asking for what you want, social appropriateness, rejection
Cuteness: Cuteness is a real thing. It's not just subjective opinion. It's not just in the eye of the beholder. Cuteness is something that 'science' is able to describe. It's something universal. They can describe what makes someone cute or not cute. If they have big eyes in a small face, that's cute. That's only one of the traits that make someone cute. You can look up 'cuteness' in Wikipedia to see what I mean. They show images of the faces of babies and adults.
Japanese animation, and manga books, draw the characters looking 'cute.' Everybody and everything is cute. In American comic books, the superheroes aren't cute - they're realistic looking adults.
The persocoms in 'Chobits' are cute. It triggers your protective instincts and makes you love them. You can't help feeling that way when you see something cute. (Persocoms are computers that look like humans. They have different levels of artificial intelligence. Some of them are more realistic, others are less realistic and more like ordinary computers.)
Social Superiority: Why would people fantasize about cute, or sexually attractive, people who weren't really people? Why would we want androids or any other humanoid robot? Why would that be a good thing? Because they are socially inferior. They can't judge you and they can't boss you around. You tell THEM what to do. It doesn't matter who you are. You can be socially the lowest person in the entire world, and it doesn't matter - a computer will obey you, because a computer is socially lower than the lowest person in the world. It automatically obeys you and has no choice. You've gone your whole life being disrespected, bossed around, told what to do, socially rejected and looked down upon, but it doesn't matter - the computer will obey you.
A real girlfriend or boyfriend might act socially superior to you. Sometimes they will reject you, disobey you, laugh at you, boss you around, tell you to do things you don't want to do, or tell you to stop doing things you want to do.
I'm thinking of all this in the framework of Ichazo's Instinctual Types. The instincts are what I'm most interested in right now. Social, sexual, and self-preservation are Ichazo's three instincts. Different people have one of those instincts as their strongest, most well-developed instinct, while the other two instincts are weaker. The dominant instinct determines their behavior and determines what is or isn't important to them. Whatever you care about most is determined by your strongest instincts.
The social instinct is what makes people want to be able to boss someone else around, and it's what makes us want to be treated with respect, treated as equals, listened to instead of ignored, to be treated as though it matters what we want or don't want. When several people make decisions together, the socially superior people decide what gets done, and the socially inferior people are the ones who have to give something up, lose something, and not get what they want. However, the socially inferior people get protection by being in the group and by doing what they're told: this is what happens when a business owner hires 'inferior' people to work in his company, but he takes all the financial risks, and he's the one who loses millions of dollars if the business fails. He's taking a risk of losing something too. He protects the 'inferior' people working for him, because they're not the ones who lose millions of dollars when the business fails.
'Which instinct is left out': On a web forum about the instincts, someone commented that it helps you figure out what your instinctual stacking is if you notice which instinct tends to get left out the most. Which area suffers most while you try to meet the needs of your strongest instincts? I can give an example. The 'evil' characters in the His Dark Materials books - Lord Asriel and Mrs. Coulter - were both strong in the sexual and social instincts, and both were weak in the self-preservation instinct, weak about raising a family and protecting and loving their children. They didn't understand how to love their children until the very end of the books. They were more interested in accomplishing big social goals, or achieving social status. They also were able to have sexual relationships and fall in love and attract partners - Mrs. Coulter especially was known for seducing everyone she spoke to. The self-preservation 'family' instinct seemed to be their weakest - that one was 'left out' because of all the other things that mattered more to them. Mrs. Coulter might have had a slightly stronger family instinct than Lord Asriel, but even so, both of them were weak in that area.
Raising children: Raising a child is similar to teaching a persocom, training an artificial intelligence. The child is socially inferior to you. And I hate to say this, but it's the truth: a lot of people have kids because they want someone to boss around. It's something I read in Nathaniel Branden's books, too - he's a psychotherapist and he saw it with his clients. They'd have children, hoping that finally, SOMEBODY would be forced to listen to them and obey them, after they went their entire lives on the bottom of the social ladder. When you have a helpless baby or a little child, you can scare them and force them to do what you want. I've seen these people walking around in public with their children and talking down to them like they're worthless and inferior. You would never, ever talk to an adult that way. You would treat them with respect. They treat their children with horrible disrespect. They ignore them when they cry or get upset, tell them they're bad and they're stupid, tell them not to cry, tell them to shut up. I get angry when I see people talking that way to children.
When you raise a child, it's true, in the beginning they will listen to you and they are inferior. But sooner or later, they start to develop a mind of their own. Then they want to say 'no' to you, they want to do what they want instead of what you want them to do, they want to become a different kind of person than you want them to be, and as they get older, you have to let them be who they want to be. It's inevitable. They can't be 'inferior' to you forever.
Someone unable to judge you: This is why I like animals. I love animals because I can touch them freely, and they don't judge me. They don't tell me that I'm ugly or I'm weird or I'm creepy. For whatever reasons, animals almost never think I'm ugly and creepy, although every once in a while, I do find a cat or dog that just doesn't like me, but it hardly ever happens. Usually, cats and dogs are happy and delighted when I reach out and pet them. We instantly make friends and they're excited to see me every time I go to them.
Ugliness: I've been battling with the voices for the past couple years because I have chosen to grow my mustache and not bleach it and not wax it. The voices insist that all of my social insecurity is because of having a mustache. This is not true. I was socially insecure when I was a teenager. I had a little bit of a mustache back then, but it was not very visible, and I bleached it too. It was nothing. I was just ugly.
Some people thought I was ugly, and some people thought I was cute. It was unpredictable who would like me and who wouldn't. Some people, and some animals, and some manga book characters, are so irresistibly cute that EVERYONE is guaranteed to love them instantly, no matter who they are. I was never that way. I could only get some people, some of the time, to like me. So there was always a risk of being rejected. I couldn't go up to someone and touch them like I touch an animal, like a dog or cat. I couldn't just go up to a cute guy and give him a hug because I thought he was cute. He might think I was ugly and gross, and he'd rather touch someone else, and if I tried again, he'd think I was even more gross and creepy. And this was back during the time period when I was 'normal looking,' when I cut and styled my hair, didn't have a visible mustache, and did all the 'normal' things I was supposed to do. I still couldn't be sure that someone would accept me. I still was at risk of being rejected. This was when I was a teenager, when I was still 'cute.'
(Nowadays I describe myself as 'nice body, ugly face.' I think that I do have a nice body and I wouldn't change anything about it... although I guess if I could change anything, I would want to have longer legs and a shorter body, because I found out that I couldn't do certain things in gymnastics, like a back walkover or a back handspring, because I had a low center of gravity due to my short legs and relatively long body. I couldn't kick my legs back over because the center of gravity was in the wrong place, but everyone else could do it. It also makes it hard for me to dance, and I enjoy dancing. I could show this easily in a diagram the reason why short legs and a long body gives you a low center of gravity. But anyway, this is something that I don't need to worry about in everyday life. My ugly face is more of a problem for me. I am still ugly even if I do conventional grooming and get rid of the mustache. I still can't just go out and get anybody I want, whoever I want, without worrying about being rejected. And I know that 'ugly faces' actually exist, because I myself look at the people around me, and I see 'ugly faces.' I know that I myself look at a face and think it's ugly or beautiful or cute.)
Pet names: Curtis calls me his pet names frequently. But I can't say pet names. I have never, ever been able to call people pet names, in my entire life. I never called anyone 'honey' or 'sweetie' until I was an adult, and I had to deliberately teach myself how to say it without choking. I say it but it comes out sounding strangled and unnatural. My voice tightens up. I can't say those words. But, like I said, I forced myself to learn how to say 'honey' and 'sweetie' and those are the basic pet names that I'm physically able to use. This was after I got used to having a boyfriend, in my adulthood.
However, there are situations where, all of a sudden, I'm able to speak. It happens in an emergency. It happened once when Eric and I and his daughter Tiana were in a restaurant, and she either ate too much, or got food poisoning. She ran towards the bathroom, didn't make it, and started throwing up on the floor in the middle of the restaurant. I'm terrified of people vomiting, but I was her protector, because Eric and his other friend who was with us had walked outside the building after paying their check. We had been on our way walking out of the restaurant when this happened, and they were already outside, and I was the only one left with Tiana when she ran for the bathroom. So I had to help her, and there was nobody else there but me.
I started automatically blurting out every soothing pet name I could think of, 'come on sweetie, it's okay hun, let's get you to the bathroom, it'll be all right...' I took her to the bathroom and helped her get cleaned up. She was crying and she wanted her daddy, and I couldn't get him because he was outside and he had no idea that anything had happened.
That's the only moment when I can call someone names, if they are sick, helpless, incapacitated, unable to speak, in an accident, or whatever. It makes them socially inferior and puts them in a 'needy' position, where I am strong and valuable to them, instead of weak and useless. I called Curtis 'hun' once, although I don't think he heard me because I muttered it so quietly, but it happened when he had cut himself really badly, he was bleeding, and he came to me looking for band-aids while he was panicking from his adrenaline rush (he has some kind of bleeding disorder and his cuts are a big deal when they happen).
I decided to call him some names in a text message, and of course I can write them, but I cannot speak them out loud, especially since they were unusual names that I don't ever say, nothing like 'honey' or 'sweetie.' I chose words that were truthful and accurate, but nothing I could say out loud. I chose the name I chose because, when he leaves work, everything seems dark and depressing when he's gone, like the light has gone out of everything.
Competing against someone, being unable to compete: I was thinking about this with regard to 'age.' I keep fighting with the voices because they are insisting that he's scared of me because of my age, or rejecting me because of my age. I keep telling them, that's not the problem. It's hard to explain though. Age DOES cause some problems. There are things you know about because of being a certain age. For instance I can't talk to Curtis about what it was like when the first Challenger space shuttle exploded while we watched it on TV when I was in fourth grade, because he wasn't born yet when that happened (*Note, I don't really CARE about talking about that particular subject, and I don't think about it, but it was just an example*). But I could mention that to someone my own age and they'd say, 'yeah, I remember what it was like when that happened,' and we could relate to each other. Things like that DO have to do with age. Your culture might be different. A lot of things can be different, for instance, you might be more financially comfortable because you've been settled into your job and saving money for years, while a young person still doesn't know what job they want to do and they're still having money problems.
An old person competing against younger people - that's more about 'cuteness' and the way you look when you get older. It's not just about wrinkled skin, either. The cuteness changes, your face changes. There are a lot of things that make teenagers more attractive than older adults. I've had people tell me that I don't look like I'm 35. They say I look younger, like maybe in my late twenties. I don't have lots of wrinkles, I haven't suntanned much, my skin isn't sagging, but even so, I'm still not as cute as a fifteen-year-old, because they still have the 'cute' shaped face, as their face and skull aren't fully grown yet.
The 'Chobits' book talks about people competing with the persocoms, and persocoms competing with people. Both sides feel left out. The robots feel sad because they'll never be real people, and the people feel sad because they'll never be young and cute and perfect and obedient and able to do all the things the computers can do. This is a big spoiler, in case anyone is actually reading those books, but, the main robot, Chi, can't have sex, and she was designed to be unable to have sex, designed that way on purpose, and this is one of the main issues of the book. She's different from the other persocoms who ARE designed to have sex, because people WANT to have sex with robots. So she needs to be loved by someone who won't have sex with her. (I wonder if there will be a 'Pinocchio' type of ending, where something happens to make her become more human? Or is she going to die? Or will she be with another robot?)
The idea is that you are competing against people who have something you don't have, and never will have. I mentioned that when I was talking about bisexuality and the fear that if I'm with a bisexual guy, he might be more attracted to men than he is to me. And no matter how hard I try I would never be a man. ("No matter how hard I try" is probably a 'joke' from the voices, because I let my mustache grow. But I am not 'trying to be a man.' I am following a natural grooming principle, letting every hair grow that my body is genetically capable of growing.)
In reality I am threatened by the young teenage girls that Curtis usually goes out with - he never goes very long without having a girlfriend, and he's almost always with SOMEBODY, although the relationships are unstable and he's had a lot of problems with them. Still, he dates other young teenagers, and I can't compete with them. I'm not 'old looking,' but I'm unhealthy - I have chronic illnesses, chronic problems, weird disasters that never end, strange things and terrible things going on in my life. All those young people who are friends with him, they have problems too, I'm sure, but they're still young and full of energy and life and they're more fun to be with - not boring and depressing like I am.
Being called 'creepy' was worse than the part that said I was 35. This was the email that supposedly came from him, on MySpace, supposedly when he was drunk - although I'm not even sure if he actually wrote it himself. It said 'Look ur 35 okay, it creeps me out, I want to stay single for a year or two.' Saying that I'm 35 doesn't bother me as much, because I know it's not really the problem. It's irrelevant. It directly goes against Curtis himself, who once brought me over to the seafood department into a conversation with the guy Branden who was working there, and had me tell him how old I was and what year I was born, and both of them were saying to me that I didn't look like I was 35, I looked like I was somewhere in my twenties, and both of them spoke of it in a flattering way to me. So the email directly went against that, and I didn't really believe that part of the sentence. It was 'creeps me out' that I believed.
I have told him about my hearing voices, I've told him that I hear voices and they make me do things that I don't want to do. That's creepy. I've told him I have people hacking my computer, messing with my emails, messing with my telephone, stalking me everywhere I go. That's creepy. I've sent him dozens of text messages, without getting answers from him, and they're strange and unusual text messages written in a different style than text messages usually are, talking in a different way than people usually write a text message. And I've given him several notes, although not a lot of them, but I've handwritten notes and given them to him. Those things are creepy. He could think I'm a dangerous, delusional, crazy person who might attack him and hurt him. 'Creepy' is believable.
I'm unable to compete against 'normal' people who don't hear voices, don't have drug residues giving them mood swings, don't have chronic fatigue making them unable to accomplish any goals. His friends and girlfriends are 'normal.' They don't have those same problems that I have, and they're not 'creepy.'
Continuing on the list of topics that I wrote at the top of this blog: Death, immortality, self-preservation instinct, children. I didn't have a lot to say on this. I'm reading the Chobits books and I'm not seeing as many themes about immortality, about robots not being able to die, about what a big deal it is that robots never get old and die. One of the robots did die, after having memory problems and then getting hit by a car. I'm not seeing 'immortality' as a main focus of the book. It's more focused on sex and relationships and love. 'Immortality' is there in an abstract way. The robots can have their memories erased, while their body is still intact, so part of them dies while their body remains alive. But it's not focused on that so much. Or, when I read it, my attention isn't focused on that theme.
I was just going to say that having children is the only real way to get immortality, but it's a partial immortality. The children are partly you, partly someone else, and partly themselves, but it does keep alive a part of you forever until the family line stops having children. The Chobits book doesn't talk about robots having babies. It focuses on robots having sex, for pleasure, and as part of a romantic love relationship, but having babies is never mentioned, and neither is the theme of wanting to have babies but being unable to have them.
That theme is very important to me as a 35 year old unmarried childless woman, with lots of health problems and personal problems that make it difficult to get married and have children. I want to have children before it's too late. 'Too late' is a concept that women have to worry about. Men are physically capable of having children, their entire life, however they still have to worry about being unattractive and being unable to compete with younger people, if they want to have children, so yes, men still do in a way have to worry about being too old to have children. Men can only have children with a fertile, pre-menopausal woman, so they have to be attractive enough to get with a woman that young. This is about having children, NOT about having a relationship and sex for pleasure. Anyone of any age can still have a relationship with SOMEBODY, although the passionateness, the feelings, the amount of attraction, all of those feelings will be different - it's like, imagine there's a really ugly person who 'settles for' another really ugly person, because that's all they can get. But in reality, they desire the magazine models, and the gorgeous teenagers, and all of the attractive people that everyone else wants, but they know they can't get them. But that's not what I'm talking about when I talk about having children. All that matters is being able to attract someone who's young enough to still be physically able to have children.
I've been interested in all of these subjects ever since I started reading about ephebophilia, hebephilia, and pedophilia, and read the blog of someone who is a hebephile, and learned more about how it feels for someone to be so strongly attracted to young people that they are less interested in adults, and to realize that I myself feel that way, but maybe not as strongly.
Last topic on the list: asking for touch. This is a rejection fear. The 'ew, get away from me' response. Or 'you did that once, but don't do it again, and don't keep doing it.' When you touch someone and you like it, you want to touch them again and again and again, every day, and you want it to be reliable, so that you can touch them every time you feel like it, every time you want to.
You don't want to go up to them, ask for touch, and have them be in a bad mood and say something mean to you and tell you to leave them alone. You want to know that they will always say 'yes' to the best of their ability, even if it's difficult for them.
That's why I'm an animal lover - they almost always say 'yes' to being touched. People, however, will be in bad moods, or they're in a hurry, or they're worried about something else, and they can be unkind and rushed and mean and rude to you. I even had it happen with Curtis once, but it was clearly an accident. I walked up to him, and I felt trusting and comfortable, and I said hi to him and was going to stand there for a minute talking to him. But he said, 'WHAT?!' in an angry, irritated way, and I said, 'nothing...' and I backed away and started to leave. But he knew that I was hurt, and so he started to talk to me again and keep me from leaving. He was just in a bad mood for whatever reason, he needed a cigarette or something, I'm guessing. People get irritable when they need a cigarette, when they're hungry or sick, when they're on drugs, or when they're drunk.
I HATED Eric when he was drunk, and he got drunk A LOT. I don't like talking to drunk people. I don't like the slurred speech, I don't like the angry irritable behavior, I don't like how they say mean, hurtful, cruel, abusive things to you and they're not responsible for what they say, and they say or do the worst possible things that they could do.
The fear of rejection, the fear that someone will be rude or angry or irritable, that it will be the wrong moment, even if they're nice to you SOMETIMES - the fear that they'll be inconsistent and unpredictable, that they'll do something all of a sudden and you don't know what to expect - that makes it hard for me to touch Curtis. I can tap him a little bit on the shoulder or the back for an instant, but not much more than that. And I can hardly ever do that, and when I do, it is a big deal. I'm terrified that one of these days, he's going to say something about it, like 'leave me alone' or 'I'm busy right now' or 'quit it' or something. He could say something cruel and hurtful and thoughtless.
It goes beyond just being afraid that he'll tell a manager or call the police. In the beginning, when 'they' were forcing me to try connecting with him, when they were forcing me to start writing notes to him and trying to text message him and asking him to call me on the phone, when they started forcing me to do those things, they only thought that I was scared of getting arrested, getting convicted of a crime, getting accused of sexual harassment, or getting fired from my job for harassing another employee.
But it's more than just that. It's true, I am afraid of those things. But I'm afraid of something more unpredictable, the 'bad moment', not knowing what to expect, not knowing if THIS time will be the wrong time, if maybe he's been tolerant of everything I've done up till now, but THIS time he suddenly decides to say something cruel and push me away, and I don't know when to expect that moment. And if he did that, even once, even just a little bit, it would be very, very, very hard for me to try again afterwards, just like it was terrible for a long time after I got the 'Look, ur 35 okay, it creeps me out, I want to stay single for a year or 2' email. (And I still don't know whether or not he sent that letter himself, sent it while drunk, sent it because he was a puppet, sent it because someone else suggested he say those things (like Carrie for instance), sent it as a way of saying "I read your blog," (because I wrote a blog saying that the voices called me the 'COW', which stands for Creepy Old Woman), or whether it was sent by someone hacking his email... or whether he sent that because it's true and he really means it. I still don't know.)
Being consistent: Being in a consistent mood is one of the most important goals that I have, the main reason for why I'm interested in the Feingold Diet, hyperactivity, eating the right foods and avoiding the wrong ones, and also, cleaning drug residues off my clothing and belongings. All of my relationships are damaged because of my mood swings and my inconsistent, unreliable behavior. Every day, nobody knows what to expect from me, because I could be in a bad mood, on drugs, haven't eaten anything, sick, etc. This is very important to me and I want to fix it. I want to fix it BECAUSE it ruins my relationships.
The voices told me today something which I don't believe is true, but part of me believes it MIGHT be true. They were telling me that he WANTS to get another phone call from me. The voices always do that. They try to make me believe that he misses me, that he wants to hear from me, that he needs me, and all that, but I don't believe those things. I think he forgets about me, and I cease to exist when he walks out the door of Weis. I only exist when he can see me, and when he can't see me, it's out of sight, out of mind. That is what I assume is the truth. The voices are always trying to make me believe that I matter to him, that he misses me when I'm gone, that I'm important to him, that he needs me, that he wants me to call him, that he keeps checking his voice mail to see if I've left him a message. It makes me angry when they try to make me believe those things. I think that in reality, he's just home watching TV or playing video games or hanging out with his REAL friends and girlfriends and family and his son, and doing ordinary things, and HE'S NOT THINKING ABOUT *ME*. I try to tell them this, I try to tell them that that's the realistic thing to believe, I try to tell them that this is what's most likely going on in the real world, but they keep insisting that I'm important to him and he misses me, but, for whatever reason, he can't bring himself to call me, or email me, or do anything like that, even though I've asked him to... which is why I rented the movie, 'He's Just Not That Into You,' out of curiosity to see what their explanations were for why a guy doesn't call you.
It's very annoying when I feel as though I myself am much more realistic, and much less delusional, than 'the voices' who are controlling me. THEY are the crazy ones, NOT ME. But I'm the one who gets all the blame, I'm the one who gets called crazy, because I hear voices that come from mentally ill murderers and criminals pushing buttons on a machine so that they can hide behind me and be as crazy and stupid as they want to be while I get all the blame. I'M the one screaming at them, 'HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO ME!!!' and they're the delusional morons who refuse to listen. And no, I'm not literally screaming that at them, that was a joke, but you get the idea. I'm telling them over and over again that there are ordinary, mundane reasons why he's not calling me: he's not that attracted to me, he forgets that I exist when he leaves work, he has other people in his life who are much more important to him than I am. THOSE ARE THE REASONS WHY HE'S NOT CALLING OR EMAILING ME. I tell them this, over and over and over again. I get sick of fighting with them about it.
***
All of those thoughts were provoked by that manga book. I've enjoyed reading it.
I just finished the first book of Chobits. I didn't know there were two books. The second one isn't on the shelf at Barnes & Noble. I don't know if they're getting another copy of it, or what, but eventually I'll read it.
It's making me think about several things.
cuteness
social superiority
which instinct is left out
raising children
someone unable to judge you
pet names: sick, helpless, incapacitated, etc.
competing against someone and being unable to compete for reasons that are permanent and unchanging
death, self-preservation, children, immortality
touch, hugging, asking for what you want, social appropriateness, rejection
Cuteness: Cuteness is a real thing. It's not just subjective opinion. It's not just in the eye of the beholder. Cuteness is something that 'science' is able to describe. It's something universal. They can describe what makes someone cute or not cute. If they have big eyes in a small face, that's cute. That's only one of the traits that make someone cute. You can look up 'cuteness' in Wikipedia to see what I mean. They show images of the faces of babies and adults.
Japanese animation, and manga books, draw the characters looking 'cute.' Everybody and everything is cute. In American comic books, the superheroes aren't cute - they're realistic looking adults.
The persocoms in 'Chobits' are cute. It triggers your protective instincts and makes you love them. You can't help feeling that way when you see something cute. (Persocoms are computers that look like humans. They have different levels of artificial intelligence. Some of them are more realistic, others are less realistic and more like ordinary computers.)
Social Superiority: Why would people fantasize about cute, or sexually attractive, people who weren't really people? Why would we want androids or any other humanoid robot? Why would that be a good thing? Because they are socially inferior. They can't judge you and they can't boss you around. You tell THEM what to do. It doesn't matter who you are. You can be socially the lowest person in the entire world, and it doesn't matter - a computer will obey you, because a computer is socially lower than the lowest person in the world. It automatically obeys you and has no choice. You've gone your whole life being disrespected, bossed around, told what to do, socially rejected and looked down upon, but it doesn't matter - the computer will obey you.
A real girlfriend or boyfriend might act socially superior to you. Sometimes they will reject you, disobey you, laugh at you, boss you around, tell you to do things you don't want to do, or tell you to stop doing things you want to do.
I'm thinking of all this in the framework of Ichazo's Instinctual Types. The instincts are what I'm most interested in right now. Social, sexual, and self-preservation are Ichazo's three instincts. Different people have one of those instincts as their strongest, most well-developed instinct, while the other two instincts are weaker. The dominant instinct determines their behavior and determines what is or isn't important to them. Whatever you care about most is determined by your strongest instincts.
The social instinct is what makes people want to be able to boss someone else around, and it's what makes us want to be treated with respect, treated as equals, listened to instead of ignored, to be treated as though it matters what we want or don't want. When several people make decisions together, the socially superior people decide what gets done, and the socially inferior people are the ones who have to give something up, lose something, and not get what they want. However, the socially inferior people get protection by being in the group and by doing what they're told: this is what happens when a business owner hires 'inferior' people to work in his company, but he takes all the financial risks, and he's the one who loses millions of dollars if the business fails. He's taking a risk of losing something too. He protects the 'inferior' people working for him, because they're not the ones who lose millions of dollars when the business fails.
'Which instinct is left out': On a web forum about the instincts, someone commented that it helps you figure out what your instinctual stacking is if you notice which instinct tends to get left out the most. Which area suffers most while you try to meet the needs of your strongest instincts? I can give an example. The 'evil' characters in the His Dark Materials books - Lord Asriel and Mrs. Coulter - were both strong in the sexual and social instincts, and both were weak in the self-preservation instinct, weak about raising a family and protecting and loving their children. They didn't understand how to love their children until the very end of the books. They were more interested in accomplishing big social goals, or achieving social status. They also were able to have sexual relationships and fall in love and attract partners - Mrs. Coulter especially was known for seducing everyone she spoke to. The self-preservation 'family' instinct seemed to be their weakest - that one was 'left out' because of all the other things that mattered more to them. Mrs. Coulter might have had a slightly stronger family instinct than Lord Asriel, but even so, both of them were weak in that area.
Raising children: Raising a child is similar to teaching a persocom, training an artificial intelligence. The child is socially inferior to you. And I hate to say this, but it's the truth: a lot of people have kids because they want someone to boss around. It's something I read in Nathaniel Branden's books, too - he's a psychotherapist and he saw it with his clients. They'd have children, hoping that finally, SOMEBODY would be forced to listen to them and obey them, after they went their entire lives on the bottom of the social ladder. When you have a helpless baby or a little child, you can scare them and force them to do what you want. I've seen these people walking around in public with their children and talking down to them like they're worthless and inferior. You would never, ever talk to an adult that way. You would treat them with respect. They treat their children with horrible disrespect. They ignore them when they cry or get upset, tell them they're bad and they're stupid, tell them not to cry, tell them to shut up. I get angry when I see people talking that way to children.
When you raise a child, it's true, in the beginning they will listen to you and they are inferior. But sooner or later, they start to develop a mind of their own. Then they want to say 'no' to you, they want to do what they want instead of what you want them to do, they want to become a different kind of person than you want them to be, and as they get older, you have to let them be who they want to be. It's inevitable. They can't be 'inferior' to you forever.
Someone unable to judge you: This is why I like animals. I love animals because I can touch them freely, and they don't judge me. They don't tell me that I'm ugly or I'm weird or I'm creepy. For whatever reasons, animals almost never think I'm ugly and creepy, although every once in a while, I do find a cat or dog that just doesn't like me, but it hardly ever happens. Usually, cats and dogs are happy and delighted when I reach out and pet them. We instantly make friends and they're excited to see me every time I go to them.
Ugliness: I've been battling with the voices for the past couple years because I have chosen to grow my mustache and not bleach it and not wax it. The voices insist that all of my social insecurity is because of having a mustache. This is not true. I was socially insecure when I was a teenager. I had a little bit of a mustache back then, but it was not very visible, and I bleached it too. It was nothing. I was just ugly.
Some people thought I was ugly, and some people thought I was cute. It was unpredictable who would like me and who wouldn't. Some people, and some animals, and some manga book characters, are so irresistibly cute that EVERYONE is guaranteed to love them instantly, no matter who they are. I was never that way. I could only get some people, some of the time, to like me. So there was always a risk of being rejected. I couldn't go up to someone and touch them like I touch an animal, like a dog or cat. I couldn't just go up to a cute guy and give him a hug because I thought he was cute. He might think I was ugly and gross, and he'd rather touch someone else, and if I tried again, he'd think I was even more gross and creepy. And this was back during the time period when I was 'normal looking,' when I cut and styled my hair, didn't have a visible mustache, and did all the 'normal' things I was supposed to do. I still couldn't be sure that someone would accept me. I still was at risk of being rejected. This was when I was a teenager, when I was still 'cute.'
(Nowadays I describe myself as 'nice body, ugly face.' I think that I do have a nice body and I wouldn't change anything about it... although I guess if I could change anything, I would want to have longer legs and a shorter body, because I found out that I couldn't do certain things in gymnastics, like a back walkover or a back handspring, because I had a low center of gravity due to my short legs and relatively long body. I couldn't kick my legs back over because the center of gravity was in the wrong place, but everyone else could do it. It also makes it hard for me to dance, and I enjoy dancing. I could show this easily in a diagram the reason why short legs and a long body gives you a low center of gravity. But anyway, this is something that I don't need to worry about in everyday life. My ugly face is more of a problem for me. I am still ugly even if I do conventional grooming and get rid of the mustache. I still can't just go out and get anybody I want, whoever I want, without worrying about being rejected. And I know that 'ugly faces' actually exist, because I myself look at the people around me, and I see 'ugly faces.' I know that I myself look at a face and think it's ugly or beautiful or cute.)
Pet names: Curtis calls me his pet names frequently. But I can't say pet names. I have never, ever been able to call people pet names, in my entire life. I never called anyone 'honey' or 'sweetie' until I was an adult, and I had to deliberately teach myself how to say it without choking. I say it but it comes out sounding strangled and unnatural. My voice tightens up. I can't say those words. But, like I said, I forced myself to learn how to say 'honey' and 'sweetie' and those are the basic pet names that I'm physically able to use. This was after I got used to having a boyfriend, in my adulthood.
However, there are situations where, all of a sudden, I'm able to speak. It happens in an emergency. It happened once when Eric and I and his daughter Tiana were in a restaurant, and she either ate too much, or got food poisoning. She ran towards the bathroom, didn't make it, and started throwing up on the floor in the middle of the restaurant. I'm terrified of people vomiting, but I was her protector, because Eric and his other friend who was with us had walked outside the building after paying their check. We had been on our way walking out of the restaurant when this happened, and they were already outside, and I was the only one left with Tiana when she ran for the bathroom. So I had to help her, and there was nobody else there but me.
I started automatically blurting out every soothing pet name I could think of, 'come on sweetie, it's okay hun, let's get you to the bathroom, it'll be all right...' I took her to the bathroom and helped her get cleaned up. She was crying and she wanted her daddy, and I couldn't get him because he was outside and he had no idea that anything had happened.
That's the only moment when I can call someone names, if they are sick, helpless, incapacitated, unable to speak, in an accident, or whatever. It makes them socially inferior and puts them in a 'needy' position, where I am strong and valuable to them, instead of weak and useless. I called Curtis 'hun' once, although I don't think he heard me because I muttered it so quietly, but it happened when he had cut himself really badly, he was bleeding, and he came to me looking for band-aids while he was panicking from his adrenaline rush (he has some kind of bleeding disorder and his cuts are a big deal when they happen).
I decided to call him some names in a text message, and of course I can write them, but I cannot speak them out loud, especially since they were unusual names that I don't ever say, nothing like 'honey' or 'sweetie.' I chose words that were truthful and accurate, but nothing I could say out loud. I chose the name I chose because, when he leaves work, everything seems dark and depressing when he's gone, like the light has gone out of everything.
Competing against someone, being unable to compete: I was thinking about this with regard to 'age.' I keep fighting with the voices because they are insisting that he's scared of me because of my age, or rejecting me because of my age. I keep telling them, that's not the problem. It's hard to explain though. Age DOES cause some problems. There are things you know about because of being a certain age. For instance I can't talk to Curtis about what it was like when the first Challenger space shuttle exploded while we watched it on TV when I was in fourth grade, because he wasn't born yet when that happened (*Note, I don't really CARE about talking about that particular subject, and I don't think about it, but it was just an example*). But I could mention that to someone my own age and they'd say, 'yeah, I remember what it was like when that happened,' and we could relate to each other. Things like that DO have to do with age. Your culture might be different. A lot of things can be different, for instance, you might be more financially comfortable because you've been settled into your job and saving money for years, while a young person still doesn't know what job they want to do and they're still having money problems.
An old person competing against younger people - that's more about 'cuteness' and the way you look when you get older. It's not just about wrinkled skin, either. The cuteness changes, your face changes. There are a lot of things that make teenagers more attractive than older adults. I've had people tell me that I don't look like I'm 35. They say I look younger, like maybe in my late twenties. I don't have lots of wrinkles, I haven't suntanned much, my skin isn't sagging, but even so, I'm still not as cute as a fifteen-year-old, because they still have the 'cute' shaped face, as their face and skull aren't fully grown yet.
The 'Chobits' book talks about people competing with the persocoms, and persocoms competing with people. Both sides feel left out. The robots feel sad because they'll never be real people, and the people feel sad because they'll never be young and cute and perfect and obedient and able to do all the things the computers can do. This is a big spoiler, in case anyone is actually reading those books, but, the main robot, Chi, can't have sex, and she was designed to be unable to have sex, designed that way on purpose, and this is one of the main issues of the book. She's different from the other persocoms who ARE designed to have sex, because people WANT to have sex with robots. So she needs to be loved by someone who won't have sex with her. (I wonder if there will be a 'Pinocchio' type of ending, where something happens to make her become more human? Or is she going to die? Or will she be with another robot?)
The idea is that you are competing against people who have something you don't have, and never will have. I mentioned that when I was talking about bisexuality and the fear that if I'm with a bisexual guy, he might be more attracted to men than he is to me. And no matter how hard I try I would never be a man. ("No matter how hard I try" is probably a 'joke' from the voices, because I let my mustache grow. But I am not 'trying to be a man.' I am following a natural grooming principle, letting every hair grow that my body is genetically capable of growing.)
In reality I am threatened by the young teenage girls that Curtis usually goes out with - he never goes very long without having a girlfriend, and he's almost always with SOMEBODY, although the relationships are unstable and he's had a lot of problems with them. Still, he dates other young teenagers, and I can't compete with them. I'm not 'old looking,' but I'm unhealthy - I have chronic illnesses, chronic problems, weird disasters that never end, strange things and terrible things going on in my life. All those young people who are friends with him, they have problems too, I'm sure, but they're still young and full of energy and life and they're more fun to be with - not boring and depressing like I am.
Being called 'creepy' was worse than the part that said I was 35. This was the email that supposedly came from him, on MySpace, supposedly when he was drunk - although I'm not even sure if he actually wrote it himself. It said 'Look ur 35 okay, it creeps me out, I want to stay single for a year or two.' Saying that I'm 35 doesn't bother me as much, because I know it's not really the problem. It's irrelevant. It directly goes against Curtis himself, who once brought me over to the seafood department into a conversation with the guy Branden who was working there, and had me tell him how old I was and what year I was born, and both of them were saying to me that I didn't look like I was 35, I looked like I was somewhere in my twenties, and both of them spoke of it in a flattering way to me. So the email directly went against that, and I didn't really believe that part of the sentence. It was 'creeps me out' that I believed.
I have told him about my hearing voices, I've told him that I hear voices and they make me do things that I don't want to do. That's creepy. I've told him I have people hacking my computer, messing with my emails, messing with my telephone, stalking me everywhere I go. That's creepy. I've sent him dozens of text messages, without getting answers from him, and they're strange and unusual text messages written in a different style than text messages usually are, talking in a different way than people usually write a text message. And I've given him several notes, although not a lot of them, but I've handwritten notes and given them to him. Those things are creepy. He could think I'm a dangerous, delusional, crazy person who might attack him and hurt him. 'Creepy' is believable.
I'm unable to compete against 'normal' people who don't hear voices, don't have drug residues giving them mood swings, don't have chronic fatigue making them unable to accomplish any goals. His friends and girlfriends are 'normal.' They don't have those same problems that I have, and they're not 'creepy.'
Continuing on the list of topics that I wrote at the top of this blog: Death, immortality, self-preservation instinct, children. I didn't have a lot to say on this. I'm reading the Chobits books and I'm not seeing as many themes about immortality, about robots not being able to die, about what a big deal it is that robots never get old and die. One of the robots did die, after having memory problems and then getting hit by a car. I'm not seeing 'immortality' as a main focus of the book. It's more focused on sex and relationships and love. 'Immortality' is there in an abstract way. The robots can have their memories erased, while their body is still intact, so part of them dies while their body remains alive. But it's not focused on that so much. Or, when I read it, my attention isn't focused on that theme.
I was just going to say that having children is the only real way to get immortality, but it's a partial immortality. The children are partly you, partly someone else, and partly themselves, but it does keep alive a part of you forever until the family line stops having children. The Chobits book doesn't talk about robots having babies. It focuses on robots having sex, for pleasure, and as part of a romantic love relationship, but having babies is never mentioned, and neither is the theme of wanting to have babies but being unable to have them.
That theme is very important to me as a 35 year old unmarried childless woman, with lots of health problems and personal problems that make it difficult to get married and have children. I want to have children before it's too late. 'Too late' is a concept that women have to worry about. Men are physically capable of having children, their entire life, however they still have to worry about being unattractive and being unable to compete with younger people, if they want to have children, so yes, men still do in a way have to worry about being too old to have children. Men can only have children with a fertile, pre-menopausal woman, so they have to be attractive enough to get with a woman that young. This is about having children, NOT about having a relationship and sex for pleasure. Anyone of any age can still have a relationship with SOMEBODY, although the passionateness, the feelings, the amount of attraction, all of those feelings will be different - it's like, imagine there's a really ugly person who 'settles for' another really ugly person, because that's all they can get. But in reality, they desire the magazine models, and the gorgeous teenagers, and all of the attractive people that everyone else wants, but they know they can't get them. But that's not what I'm talking about when I talk about having children. All that matters is being able to attract someone who's young enough to still be physically able to have children.
I've been interested in all of these subjects ever since I started reading about ephebophilia, hebephilia, and pedophilia, and read the blog of someone who is a hebephile, and learned more about how it feels for someone to be so strongly attracted to young people that they are less interested in adults, and to realize that I myself feel that way, but maybe not as strongly.
Last topic on the list: asking for touch. This is a rejection fear. The 'ew, get away from me' response. Or 'you did that once, but don't do it again, and don't keep doing it.' When you touch someone and you like it, you want to touch them again and again and again, every day, and you want it to be reliable, so that you can touch them every time you feel like it, every time you want to.
You don't want to go up to them, ask for touch, and have them be in a bad mood and say something mean to you and tell you to leave them alone. You want to know that they will always say 'yes' to the best of their ability, even if it's difficult for them.
That's why I'm an animal lover - they almost always say 'yes' to being touched. People, however, will be in bad moods, or they're in a hurry, or they're worried about something else, and they can be unkind and rushed and mean and rude to you. I even had it happen with Curtis once, but it was clearly an accident. I walked up to him, and I felt trusting and comfortable, and I said hi to him and was going to stand there for a minute talking to him. But he said, 'WHAT?!' in an angry, irritated way, and I said, 'nothing...' and I backed away and started to leave. But he knew that I was hurt, and so he started to talk to me again and keep me from leaving. He was just in a bad mood for whatever reason, he needed a cigarette or something, I'm guessing. People get irritable when they need a cigarette, when they're hungry or sick, when they're on drugs, or when they're drunk.
I HATED Eric when he was drunk, and he got drunk A LOT. I don't like talking to drunk people. I don't like the slurred speech, I don't like the angry irritable behavior, I don't like how they say mean, hurtful, cruel, abusive things to you and they're not responsible for what they say, and they say or do the worst possible things that they could do.
The fear of rejection, the fear that someone will be rude or angry or irritable, that it will be the wrong moment, even if they're nice to you SOMETIMES - the fear that they'll be inconsistent and unpredictable, that they'll do something all of a sudden and you don't know what to expect - that makes it hard for me to touch Curtis. I can tap him a little bit on the shoulder or the back for an instant, but not much more than that. And I can hardly ever do that, and when I do, it is a big deal. I'm terrified that one of these days, he's going to say something about it, like 'leave me alone' or 'I'm busy right now' or 'quit it' or something. He could say something cruel and hurtful and thoughtless.
It goes beyond just being afraid that he'll tell a manager or call the police. In the beginning, when 'they' were forcing me to try connecting with him, when they were forcing me to start writing notes to him and trying to text message him and asking him to call me on the phone, when they started forcing me to do those things, they only thought that I was scared of getting arrested, getting convicted of a crime, getting accused of sexual harassment, or getting fired from my job for harassing another employee.
But it's more than just that. It's true, I am afraid of those things. But I'm afraid of something more unpredictable, the 'bad moment', not knowing what to expect, not knowing if THIS time will be the wrong time, if maybe he's been tolerant of everything I've done up till now, but THIS time he suddenly decides to say something cruel and push me away, and I don't know when to expect that moment. And if he did that, even once, even just a little bit, it would be very, very, very hard for me to try again afterwards, just like it was terrible for a long time after I got the 'Look, ur 35 okay, it creeps me out, I want to stay single for a year or 2' email. (And I still don't know whether or not he sent that letter himself, sent it while drunk, sent it because he was a puppet, sent it because someone else suggested he say those things (like Carrie for instance), sent it as a way of saying "I read your blog," (because I wrote a blog saying that the voices called me the 'COW', which stands for Creepy Old Woman), or whether it was sent by someone hacking his email... or whether he sent that because it's true and he really means it. I still don't know.)
Being consistent: Being in a consistent mood is one of the most important goals that I have, the main reason for why I'm interested in the Feingold Diet, hyperactivity, eating the right foods and avoiding the wrong ones, and also, cleaning drug residues off my clothing and belongings. All of my relationships are damaged because of my mood swings and my inconsistent, unreliable behavior. Every day, nobody knows what to expect from me, because I could be in a bad mood, on drugs, haven't eaten anything, sick, etc. This is very important to me and I want to fix it. I want to fix it BECAUSE it ruins my relationships.
The voices told me today something which I don't believe is true, but part of me believes it MIGHT be true. They were telling me that he WANTS to get another phone call from me. The voices always do that. They try to make me believe that he misses me, that he wants to hear from me, that he needs me, and all that, but I don't believe those things. I think he forgets about me, and I cease to exist when he walks out the door of Weis. I only exist when he can see me, and when he can't see me, it's out of sight, out of mind. That is what I assume is the truth. The voices are always trying to make me believe that I matter to him, that he misses me when I'm gone, that I'm important to him, that he needs me, that he wants me to call him, that he keeps checking his voice mail to see if I've left him a message. It makes me angry when they try to make me believe those things. I think that in reality, he's just home watching TV or playing video games or hanging out with his REAL friends and girlfriends and family and his son, and doing ordinary things, and HE'S NOT THINKING ABOUT *ME*. I try to tell them this, I try to tell them that that's the realistic thing to believe, I try to tell them that this is what's most likely going on in the real world, but they keep insisting that I'm important to him and he misses me, but, for whatever reason, he can't bring himself to call me, or email me, or do anything like that, even though I've asked him to... which is why I rented the movie, 'He's Just Not That Into You,' out of curiosity to see what their explanations were for why a guy doesn't call you.
It's very annoying when I feel as though I myself am much more realistic, and much less delusional, than 'the voices' who are controlling me. THEY are the crazy ones, NOT ME. But I'm the one who gets all the blame, I'm the one who gets called crazy, because I hear voices that come from mentally ill murderers and criminals pushing buttons on a machine so that they can hide behind me and be as crazy and stupid as they want to be while I get all the blame. I'M the one screaming at them, 'HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO ME!!!' and they're the delusional morons who refuse to listen. And no, I'm not literally screaming that at them, that was a joke, but you get the idea. I'm telling them over and over again that there are ordinary, mundane reasons why he's not calling me: he's not that attracted to me, he forgets that I exist when he leaves work, he has other people in his life who are much more important to him than I am. THOSE ARE THE REASONS WHY HE'S NOT CALLING OR EMAILING ME. I tell them this, over and over and over again. I get sick of fighting with them about it.
***
All of those thoughts were provoked by that manga book. I've enjoyed reading it.
reality
6:03 AM 7/13/10
I've had a few moments with Curtis this past week. We worked together a couple of times; I touched him a few times; we had a few conversations; and I called him on the phone and he answered, and we talked for a couple of minutes, but I said I wasn't ready to talk with him yet, so I got off the phone. I said I'd call him back in a bit. After I hung up, I cried and cried for a few minutes. I was having a 'mood swing' from drug residues, but also, it is all of the feelings that have been built up over all this time, grief and pain. I decided I should go get something to eat because that would help the mood swing, so I texted him and told him I'd call him back after I ate. Then I went around for a couple of hours, out to Burger King so I could just have something in my stomach instead of trying to talk to him while I was starving. I didn't really do much of anything, just wandered around for a while, and then got up the courage to call him back. He didn't answer that time, and so I left a message.
When we did talk on the phone, it felt like some other people I've talked to. Sometimes, a person you're talking to has this barrier of dignity that you can't cross. I felt like we had to be formal with each other and I could not be vulnerable or tell the truth. I DID tell the truth, but I could not relax and tell ALL of the truth in a comfortable way. I could only tell one tiny tip of the iceberg of truth.
I don't like talking on the phone just for the sake of talking on the phone, usually, unless we have something to talk about. But he and I need to 'get used to each other' as I always say, so that means we have to talk about nothing at all, a few times.
He was anxious, and I couldn't ask him why, so I had to think of my own theories of why he would feel anxious. He knows I have mood swings and he knows that I am sensitive to getting hurt, so he probably felt like I was going to get upset no matter what he said or did. Then he would get blamed for it and it would be like he did something wrong when he didn't actually do anything wrong. Every time that he has hurt me, he acts like he regrets it very badly and he does a lot of things to be nice to me afterwards.
I woke up this morning fighting with the voices, or rather, hearing an angry voice speaking through me, telling Curtis to stop leading me on and making me believe that he's attracted to me when he really isn't. I would have to tell him to stop calling me pet names, because he has no reason to do that, and because I actually BELIEVE him when he calls me those names and acts like he likes me.
Somehow, the voice argument figured out whatever it wanted to know. They usually go on something like that for a while and then change to the opposite. They role-played a crying, upset voice that insisted that he actually IS attracted to me. And they also role-played someone saying he ISN'T. They seemed to be trying out various scenarios. Sometimes they pretended he just didn't want to hurt me, but he was encouraging me and leading me on because he thought that was the nice thing to do.
I remember something about when I was younger: I didn't know how to stop leading someone on if that person had a crush on me. There weren't huge numbers of people with crushes on me, but every once in a while I sensed that someone was attracted to me, and I would be friendly to that person and I felt like I was somebody special and important, and I felt comfortable with that person because I could do no wrong. I knew they wouldn't judge me. Now, I'm in the reverse position: I'm the one with a crush on Curtis, and he's the one who can 'do no wrong' and he won't be judged. That is how I see it. I'm referring to the times when a guy liked me, but I didn't feel attracted to HIM, but I would still be friendly to that guy and I felt safe. There's a possibility that Curtis is doing that exact thing to me: encouraging me, over and over, every day, feeling safe because he knows how I feel about him and he knows that I'm not going to judge him or be superior to him. That's only one of the theories, the scenarios, that the voices were role-playing this morning to find out what I believe.
He didn't call me back after the message I left, but at least he picked up the phone and talked for a couple of minutes, very briefly, when I first called. I had texted him first, gotten a reply, and then he stopped answering, so I said, 'I'm going to call you and leave a message, because I don't know if this is a good time for you to talk,' so I called, expecting the voice mail, but he picked up.
This is like clockwork. *EVERY TIME* that I start trying to contact him, he and Carrie get together and make it an official declaration on their facebook pages. This is very annoying. I am either 1. being forced by the murderers to start chasing after him as soon as he's with Carrie, or 2. they are doing something for a show, because of me, perhaps to chase me away, or 'test' me, or some other bullshit, instead of communicating honestly and directly with me. It is like clockwork. Right at the exact same moment that he and Carrie start getting together, I start trying to contact him by text messages and by phone. And I am not doing this on purpose, and I am not doing it BECAUSE of them. I am doing it because the murderers are forcing me to choose that very moment to do it. Not only that, but the very moment that I started giving up on him and trying to go back to the dating website and use that so I could meet *REAL* people who actually *WOULD* communicate with me, guess what, all of a sudden they had this big breakup and it was a big deal and everything was terrible, so supposedly, I 'have a chance' with him again because he's broken up with his girlfriend. Again, obviously somebody is being forced to do something at the exact moment, or else some of this is just a show and a lie, or both. This 'doing stuff at the exact same moment' phenomenon is bullshit.
However, I thanked him several times yesterday, once in text, and once out loud on the phone, for talking to me. I am grateful if he communicates in reality, even if I can't understand what he's doing or why he's doing it or why he feels anxious. He clearly was anxious on the phone, but that was all that I could understand. He was also reflecting my anxiety, because I was anxious.
What did we SAY on the phone? I told him that I wanted to talk to him some more, but I wasn't ready to talk right now. I also said, 'I know you're with CARRIE,' and I didn't mean he was with her at that moment, I just meant in general, they're together. I said that, because last time I tried to call him on the phone, he used Carrie as an excuse to not even be able to have a five minute phone conversation with me. He made it sound like he spent every waking second of every day with her and therefore could not even spend five minutes to tell me truthfully and directly that he wasn't attracted to me and wanted me to leave him alone; instead he did the avoidance thing.
I want schools to teach kids communication skills. It makes me angry that so many people use lies and avoidance as a way to deal with people. I saw it happening once at McD a few weeks ago too. There was a girl getting a text message from a 'band geek' who was just a friend; she wasn't sexually attracted to him, but he was attracted to her. So she invented an imaginary boyfriend, and she felt guilty about it, but another girl helped her and encouraged her to do this, and played along with it, and she kept saying she felt guilty and she wanted to tell the truth but she didn't want to hurt him. But she did finally send him the text message saying she had this imaginary boyfriend. And I don't know how it all turned out, but she said he was still trying to contact her a few weeks later. My response to that is, of course. You have to tell someone the truth in a strong, direct, assertive way, and tell them the limits of what you will and won't do with them, and be clear and specific, and ALWAYS be honest about it. You have to know what you want, you have to know how you feel, and schools and parents don't teach anyone how to do those things. And TV certainly doesn't teach it to them.
For whatever reason, the murderers have been forcing me to be in that vulnerable position of someone stalking a reluctant person who avoids me and tells lies instead of being direct and telling the truth. For whatever reason they insist that I have to keep chasing after him while being avoided. This angers me and it scares me. Sooner or later I am going to do something that upsets him or scares him or 'creeps him out' too much, and he's going to go tell the police to make me leave him alone, or something like that. And I'm going to have another stalking and harassment conviction, lose my job, or whatever else would happen.
And I keep saying that, in person, in the real world, when we are together, he is friendly and sometimes acts like he is attracted to me, and he keeps calling me these pet names and there's no reason at all for him to do that. I would have to tell him to stop calling me any names other than Nicole, because I am stupid enough to believe that he actually MEANS it, and that's why I start laughing and crying and having this overreaction every time he says these things to me.
'Stupid enough to believe he/she actually means it' is their phrase, not mine. Probably or possibly Curtis himself is saying the same thing. That's one of the scenarios they keep role-playing in my head.
If I were able to think without being murdered, I could see and understand everything by myself, and I could do whatever needed to be done, but instead I am a mind-controlled zombie being zapped and burned and forced to hear voices and see images anytime I try to think for myself. So I can't get a real perspective on this situation, and I have to passively watch while the murdering morons play out their little puppet fantasies inside my brain instead of letting me do something that actually brings understanding, truth, and clarity to the situation. Letting me use my own brain to see things my own way: that would cut directly to the truth quickly and efficiently. I would understand everything, from both points of view, his viewpoint and my viewpoint. I would understand all of his feelings and emotions and desires and fears and motives. I would understand what he is trying to do, and what he is trying to avoid. I would know the exact words to say to him to get the exact response that I wanted to get. And if that didn't work, I would know exactly what to do to get some different response instead, and all the time, I would be telling the truth without lying and manipulating and 'testing' and playing little games. I am telling you: I can do these things, WITHOUT LYING. I can do these things, WHILE STILL BEING HONEST. But the murdering morons apparently don't appreciate or understand the way my brain works, and they insist that they have to override MY way of doing things and play out their pathetic little bullshit inside my head for their own pathetic little reasons, instead of just letting me think and act for myself.
I've had a few moments with Curtis this past week. We worked together a couple of times; I touched him a few times; we had a few conversations; and I called him on the phone and he answered, and we talked for a couple of minutes, but I said I wasn't ready to talk with him yet, so I got off the phone. I said I'd call him back in a bit. After I hung up, I cried and cried for a few minutes. I was having a 'mood swing' from drug residues, but also, it is all of the feelings that have been built up over all this time, grief and pain. I decided I should go get something to eat because that would help the mood swing, so I texted him and told him I'd call him back after I ate. Then I went around for a couple of hours, out to Burger King so I could just have something in my stomach instead of trying to talk to him while I was starving. I didn't really do much of anything, just wandered around for a while, and then got up the courage to call him back. He didn't answer that time, and so I left a message.
When we did talk on the phone, it felt like some other people I've talked to. Sometimes, a person you're talking to has this barrier of dignity that you can't cross. I felt like we had to be formal with each other and I could not be vulnerable or tell the truth. I DID tell the truth, but I could not relax and tell ALL of the truth in a comfortable way. I could only tell one tiny tip of the iceberg of truth.
I don't like talking on the phone just for the sake of talking on the phone, usually, unless we have something to talk about. But he and I need to 'get used to each other' as I always say, so that means we have to talk about nothing at all, a few times.
He was anxious, and I couldn't ask him why, so I had to think of my own theories of why he would feel anxious. He knows I have mood swings and he knows that I am sensitive to getting hurt, so he probably felt like I was going to get upset no matter what he said or did. Then he would get blamed for it and it would be like he did something wrong when he didn't actually do anything wrong. Every time that he has hurt me, he acts like he regrets it very badly and he does a lot of things to be nice to me afterwards.
I woke up this morning fighting with the voices, or rather, hearing an angry voice speaking through me, telling Curtis to stop leading me on and making me believe that he's attracted to me when he really isn't. I would have to tell him to stop calling me pet names, because he has no reason to do that, and because I actually BELIEVE him when he calls me those names and acts like he likes me.
Somehow, the voice argument figured out whatever it wanted to know. They usually go on something like that for a while and then change to the opposite. They role-played a crying, upset voice that insisted that he actually IS attracted to me. And they also role-played someone saying he ISN'T. They seemed to be trying out various scenarios. Sometimes they pretended he just didn't want to hurt me, but he was encouraging me and leading me on because he thought that was the nice thing to do.
I remember something about when I was younger: I didn't know how to stop leading someone on if that person had a crush on me. There weren't huge numbers of people with crushes on me, but every once in a while I sensed that someone was attracted to me, and I would be friendly to that person and I felt like I was somebody special and important, and I felt comfortable with that person because I could do no wrong. I knew they wouldn't judge me. Now, I'm in the reverse position: I'm the one with a crush on Curtis, and he's the one who can 'do no wrong' and he won't be judged. That is how I see it. I'm referring to the times when a guy liked me, but I didn't feel attracted to HIM, but I would still be friendly to that guy and I felt safe. There's a possibility that Curtis is doing that exact thing to me: encouraging me, over and over, every day, feeling safe because he knows how I feel about him and he knows that I'm not going to judge him or be superior to him. That's only one of the theories, the scenarios, that the voices were role-playing this morning to find out what I believe.
He didn't call me back after the message I left, but at least he picked up the phone and talked for a couple of minutes, very briefly, when I first called. I had texted him first, gotten a reply, and then he stopped answering, so I said, 'I'm going to call you and leave a message, because I don't know if this is a good time for you to talk,' so I called, expecting the voice mail, but he picked up.
This is like clockwork. *EVERY TIME* that I start trying to contact him, he and Carrie get together and make it an official declaration on their facebook pages. This is very annoying. I am either 1. being forced by the murderers to start chasing after him as soon as he's with Carrie, or 2. they are doing something for a show, because of me, perhaps to chase me away, or 'test' me, or some other bullshit, instead of communicating honestly and directly with me. It is like clockwork. Right at the exact same moment that he and Carrie start getting together, I start trying to contact him by text messages and by phone. And I am not doing this on purpose, and I am not doing it BECAUSE of them. I am doing it because the murderers are forcing me to choose that very moment to do it. Not only that, but the very moment that I started giving up on him and trying to go back to the dating website and use that so I could meet *REAL* people who actually *WOULD* communicate with me, guess what, all of a sudden they had this big breakup and it was a big deal and everything was terrible, so supposedly, I 'have a chance' with him again because he's broken up with his girlfriend. Again, obviously somebody is being forced to do something at the exact moment, or else some of this is just a show and a lie, or both. This 'doing stuff at the exact same moment' phenomenon is bullshit.
However, I thanked him several times yesterday, once in text, and once out loud on the phone, for talking to me. I am grateful if he communicates in reality, even if I can't understand what he's doing or why he's doing it or why he feels anxious. He clearly was anxious on the phone, but that was all that I could understand. He was also reflecting my anxiety, because I was anxious.
What did we SAY on the phone? I told him that I wanted to talk to him some more, but I wasn't ready to talk right now. I also said, 'I know you're with CARRIE,' and I didn't mean he was with her at that moment, I just meant in general, they're together. I said that, because last time I tried to call him on the phone, he used Carrie as an excuse to not even be able to have a five minute phone conversation with me. He made it sound like he spent every waking second of every day with her and therefore could not even spend five minutes to tell me truthfully and directly that he wasn't attracted to me and wanted me to leave him alone; instead he did the avoidance thing.
I want schools to teach kids communication skills. It makes me angry that so many people use lies and avoidance as a way to deal with people. I saw it happening once at McD a few weeks ago too. There was a girl getting a text message from a 'band geek' who was just a friend; she wasn't sexually attracted to him, but he was attracted to her. So she invented an imaginary boyfriend, and she felt guilty about it, but another girl helped her and encouraged her to do this, and played along with it, and she kept saying she felt guilty and she wanted to tell the truth but she didn't want to hurt him. But she did finally send him the text message saying she had this imaginary boyfriend. And I don't know how it all turned out, but she said he was still trying to contact her a few weeks later. My response to that is, of course. You have to tell someone the truth in a strong, direct, assertive way, and tell them the limits of what you will and won't do with them, and be clear and specific, and ALWAYS be honest about it. You have to know what you want, you have to know how you feel, and schools and parents don't teach anyone how to do those things. And TV certainly doesn't teach it to them.
For whatever reason, the murderers have been forcing me to be in that vulnerable position of someone stalking a reluctant person who avoids me and tells lies instead of being direct and telling the truth. For whatever reason they insist that I have to keep chasing after him while being avoided. This angers me and it scares me. Sooner or later I am going to do something that upsets him or scares him or 'creeps him out' too much, and he's going to go tell the police to make me leave him alone, or something like that. And I'm going to have another stalking and harassment conviction, lose my job, or whatever else would happen.
And I keep saying that, in person, in the real world, when we are together, he is friendly and sometimes acts like he is attracted to me, and he keeps calling me these pet names and there's no reason at all for him to do that. I would have to tell him to stop calling me any names other than Nicole, because I am stupid enough to believe that he actually MEANS it, and that's why I start laughing and crying and having this overreaction every time he says these things to me.
'Stupid enough to believe he/she actually means it' is their phrase, not mine. Probably or possibly Curtis himself is saying the same thing. That's one of the scenarios they keep role-playing in my head.
If I were able to think without being murdered, I could see and understand everything by myself, and I could do whatever needed to be done, but instead I am a mind-controlled zombie being zapped and burned and forced to hear voices and see images anytime I try to think for myself. So I can't get a real perspective on this situation, and I have to passively watch while the murdering morons play out their little puppet fantasies inside my brain instead of letting me do something that actually brings understanding, truth, and clarity to the situation. Letting me use my own brain to see things my own way: that would cut directly to the truth quickly and efficiently. I would understand everything, from both points of view, his viewpoint and my viewpoint. I would understand all of his feelings and emotions and desires and fears and motives. I would understand what he is trying to do, and what he is trying to avoid. I would know the exact words to say to him to get the exact response that I wanted to get. And if that didn't work, I would know exactly what to do to get some different response instead, and all the time, I would be telling the truth without lying and manipulating and 'testing' and playing little games. I am telling you: I can do these things, WITHOUT LYING. I can do these things, WHILE STILL BEING HONEST. But the murdering morons apparently don't appreciate or understand the way my brain works, and they insist that they have to override MY way of doing things and play out their pathetic little bullshit inside my head for their own pathetic little reasons, instead of just letting me think and act for myself.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Pepper Personalities
11:27 AM 7/12/10
Mean peppers, mellow peppers, dead peppers, hot peppers, chilly peppers...
(an inside joke.)
Mean peppers, mellow peppers, dead peppers, hot peppers, chilly peppers...
(an inside joke.)
Sunday, July 11, 2010
"What am I supposed to do with THIS?"
2:15 AM 7/12/10
Saturday didn’t go very well. I was feeling sick that day. I think I had the Arts Festival Virus, something I got because lots of people were visiting town, the same way I always get sick during football games. I wasn’t able to eat much, and I was hungry and irritable when I started working at Weis that afternoon. Not only that, but I – yes, I’m tired of saying this over and over again, but – I had something on my clothing that I was reacting to, in addition to being sick. It’s a long story, don’t worry about it, I’ll fix it, blah blah. It won’t be there when I come back to work this week.
Curtis came up to the register and bought some tea (I’m not even going to say what the typo was that I fixed in that sentence). He handed me a dollar. We had been talking a little bit while he was standing there, and I just stared down at the dollar bill, in a daze, because I was sick and tired and not feeling well, and also, I didn’t want him to leave, and if I took the dollar, he would have the tea and he would walk away. So I could sit there staring at the dollar bill forever and he wouldn’t be able to leave. That was kind of what I was thinking.
But then some social anxiety was going on at the same time, and I blurted out something obnoxious which was probably fake. It was NOT sincere, I know that much. I said, ‘What am I supposed to do with THIS?’ in a voice, a bad voice, I can’t describe it, but it was fake. Like I couldn’t take the dollar. He was shocked and he had the ‘stricken’ look – that was the word the voices used to describe it, and that seems like an accurate word. He said he wanted me to ring him up for the tea. I took the dollar. I asked him what time he was leaving and he said 3:30. Then he left, and thanked me (if I recall) and called me his pet name, in front of the new guy from produce.
The rest of the afternoon he wouldn’t look at me. I was sick and miserable and I kept trying to look at him, but he wouldn’t look back. I started to get very, very anxious and terrified, and I felt like I had to say something to him and fix it, because I had done something wrong again like the time I laughed when he called me his pet names while I was getting soup for my lunch.
I don’t want him to stop looking at me. I want him to look at me. Looking at him is the reason why I like working with him. There’s nothing else worth looking at.
I tried to go over to him, but then I saw that the new guy was with him and I hadn’t seen him because he was behind something from where I was looking. So then I went to the bathroom and used it as an excuse to go through the back room, and I saw him. I tried to apologize then, and I said I didn’t mean to be rude and obnoxious, but he was looking at his hand because he cut it and it was bleeding. When he gets a cut it is a big deal because he has some kind of bleeding disorder or something and his cuts tend to keep bleeding and reopen again later, even if they’re small, and I don’t know what bleeding disorder he has. This is another reason to worry about him getting in a car accident. He already survived one accident which hurt his neck and his back.
‘Rude and obnoxious?’ he said while still looking at his cut. At least he heard me. So then I tried to ask him how he cut himself, and he said he didn’t know, but I was standing by the door and I saw the manager walking towards us, so I left, and couldn’t talk anymore. But that was all that I was able to do to apologize.
I hate being fake, and I hate acting superior and snobby and talking down to people. I like Curtis because he and I always trusted each other, although lately I haven’t been as comfortable or trusting as I would like to be because I haven’t been able to communicate with him and get an answer. I like to say what I mean instead of making jokes or being sarcastic. And if he shows his feelings, if he shows a negative feeling or hurt feeling, I don’t want to do whatever I did.
I bought more minutes for my ‘textphone,’ the other tracfone I have that can send text messages – I have an old phone which I like a lot more because of the style of it, but it can’t text because it has a virus or something, some technical problem. So I texted him today, because I wasn’t able to see him at work – he left before I got in – and I did, at least, get an answer to my texts. (One of the texts did NOT have his signature on it. That was odd. He has a new signature on his text messages which says *FUCK IT* and I got a message that said ‘Oic’ which didn’t have the signature, but all the other messages did. The only thing I can think of is that maybe there is a ‘frequently used generic message’ or something – I have those on my phone, where you fill in the blank, like ‘Meet me at ____’, etc.)
Supposedly the ‘buying things at the register’ is supposed to have a hidden meaning, like paying for a prostitute, or something like that. But that is not how I see it – I see it as an excuse or opportunity to talk to him, and that’s all.
I’m worried that he won’t be able to get to work when he loses his license. That’s happening on the 23rd, I think he said. He said he’ll walk to work, but I don’t think he sleeps at home, so he might not be close enough to walk. Not only that, but even if he was walking from home, that’s still a long way. If someone drives him, they’ll have to be able to get there at that time of day, or he’ll have to change his schedule. He could ride a bus, but he’d have to get his schedule to work with the bus schedule. I don’t want him to lose his job because of lateness or not showing up. People who walk to work sometimes do no-call no-shows if something happens, if there’s bad weather or if they’re sick or something else that makes it difficult to walk to work. I’m hoping someone will drive him.
Anyway that explains what happened. I will say this again, I hate acting fake and insincere, and I hate pretending in a ‘joking’ way to be superior or whatever I did. It’s not me. And that’s not the kind of relationship I have with him.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
today sucks
8:09 AM 7/8/10
Today sucks and I hate everything. The end.
I am in an obnoxious, irritated mood. Last night, I got my new refrigerator working, and I went to the grocery store and got a couple of small things to put in there, not much, and nothing bizarre like bone marrow. I had some salsa, and some cheese, and some watermelon chunks already cut up, not a whole watermelon.
The melon chunks were slightly - I can't remember the word now. They were rotten just a little bit, and turning into alcohol, so they got fizzy. Fizzy like champagne. I've had grapes that did that before too. I never drink at all, and I'm chemical sensitive, so I notice the slightest bit of alcohol. My blood alcohol level was probably 0.00000000001, but I felt it. I am probably also having a Feingold Diet salicylate reaction, since I had a lot of fruits and vegetables.
I went to the chatroom for the first time in ages, out of loneliness and boredom. And I don't have time to write about it because I have to go to work this morning, in hot foods. I hate working in hot foods - not only do I not have a clue how to do it, but also, I have to spend a lot of time doing nothing, and there's gas fumes from the burners, and mold from the ceiling or someplace, so the air is toxic.
Curtis and Carrie are 'back together,' which means I'll see her coming into the store and hugging him while he's at work again, probably. Meanwhile, I can't even get him to agree to return a phone call, but I'm being attacked by voices who don't care about free will, and they want me to force him to get with me even though he doesn't want to.
I tried to get them to reframe the 'assignment' so that it allows for Curtis's free will. The assignment must be described in such a way that it only asks for me to do those things that I have control over, for instance, 'Ask him sixty times, twice each day, to give you a phone call.' That would be extremely pushy and irritating, but at least it's a clear assignment that focuses only on something I have control over. (That's how the murderers do THEIR attacks: bombard someone with a nagging verbal message, hundreds of times a day, by beaming it or broadcasting it to their brain, while they continue to refuse, and the murderers ignore their refusal, for weeks, months, or years.) And by the way, NO, I'm not going to do that particular assignment that way. I'm not going to nag him repeatedly while he continues to refuse. Nagging someone hundreds of times doesn't make them want to do it any more than they did the first time. There's a limit on that. Familiarity makes people more likely to buy a product, after they've seen the ad a few times, but after that, you get sick of seeing the same thing a million times, and it doesn't make you more likely to buy it.
Curtis and Carrie both have this annoying thing on their facebook pages. It's a page that says there's a hidden racist message in the world cup logo. I looked, and looked, and I see nothing, so I'm guessing it's a practical joke intended to make you feel like a fool and to believe you're the only person who can't see the hidden racist message. I don't particularly find it amusing.
I have to go get ready to work now.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
A Smaller Infinity
8:09 PM 7/7/10
This has to do with the drug residues.
I went back to the storage unit today and got rid of some more old stuff that I didn't need anymore. A lot of my belongings were contaminated with ephedra and other residues, and if I tried to clean them all, I would have to sort through thousands of objects, and clean, wipe, and test them several times each, and re-clean, and re-test them, many times. Some of the objects are contaminated, and some are not. I don't know which ones. So when I get rid of the things I don't really need, the things that aren't sentimental, that's a few less objects that I would have to sort through and clean.
Having done this, having thrown out a few more items, so that there's less work to do in the future, makes me feel better about the residues even here at my apartment, on the floor and on the objects I have here, like the computer gadgets. Why?
Because if I clean these objects here at home, they might get recontaminated in the future, because I still have many objects contaminated in storage. It's pointless to clean them if they will get contaminated again. It seems like I will have to clean them an infinite number of times. I've already done this. I did it at the other apartment, cleaning things multiple times only to find that I still had a reaction to them, or only to find that they got contaminated again when something else touched them.
'A smaller infinity': Now that I've thrown away a few more unneeded things, the burden has been reduced. The number of times that I have to clean all of my belongings is a smaller infinity. It seemed like I had to clean them infinity times, it seemed hopeless, it seemed impossible. But now that is a smaller number of things I have to clean.
Eventually, it will get smaller and smaller, less and less, until it becomes a finite number of times. Maybe I'll wash this blanket fifteen times, and yeah, that's a lot, but it might be enough to get rid of the drug residues once and for all, because they won't be coming back. There will be an end to it. It won't be infinity anymore.
If I can make a difference in this disaster, then, when I go back to work this weekend, I won't feel like it was all for nothing. I won't feel like it's just another wasted week. I will feel like I actually got out of the disaster a little tiny bit.
This has to do with the drug residues.
I went back to the storage unit today and got rid of some more old stuff that I didn't need anymore. A lot of my belongings were contaminated with ephedra and other residues, and if I tried to clean them all, I would have to sort through thousands of objects, and clean, wipe, and test them several times each, and re-clean, and re-test them, many times. Some of the objects are contaminated, and some are not. I don't know which ones. So when I get rid of the things I don't really need, the things that aren't sentimental, that's a few less objects that I would have to sort through and clean.
Having done this, having thrown out a few more items, so that there's less work to do in the future, makes me feel better about the residues even here at my apartment, on the floor and on the objects I have here, like the computer gadgets. Why?
Because if I clean these objects here at home, they might get recontaminated in the future, because I still have many objects contaminated in storage. It's pointless to clean them if they will get contaminated again. It seems like I will have to clean them an infinite number of times. I've already done this. I did it at the other apartment, cleaning things multiple times only to find that I still had a reaction to them, or only to find that they got contaminated again when something else touched them.
'A smaller infinity': Now that I've thrown away a few more unneeded things, the burden has been reduced. The number of times that I have to clean all of my belongings is a smaller infinity. It seemed like I had to clean them infinity times, it seemed hopeless, it seemed impossible. But now that is a smaller number of things I have to clean.
Eventually, it will get smaller and smaller, less and less, until it becomes a finite number of times. Maybe I'll wash this blanket fifteen times, and yeah, that's a lot, but it might be enough to get rid of the drug residues once and for all, because they won't be coming back. There will be an end to it. It won't be infinity anymore.
If I can make a difference in this disaster, then, when I go back to work this weekend, I won't feel like it was all for nothing. I won't feel like it's just another wasted week. I will feel like I actually got out of the disaster a little tiny bit.
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