9:47 PM 2/14/11
I haven't been this upset in a long time. I am very worried about my money but I am struggling against the murderers who want to force me to think about everything else except what I need to do.
The incident going on with his fake tattoo shirt - It upset 'them' very badly and 'they' are freaking out over this. I am trying to do important things for myself such as hunt for a job, but 'they' have been trying to force me to do less urgent things like hunt for a boyfriend on a dating website, while they of course prevent me from receiving any emails from anyone I would actually like. They are forcing me to try to do something while simultaneously causing me to fail.
And the need for a second job becomes more and more urgent. My car needs to be fixed before May, which is when the inspection is due. May seems like a long way off, but it will be here in the blink of an eye and my car won't have been fixed yet, and I know this will happen. Then I will pay fines of hundreds of dollars for driving with an old inspection sticker, which I have done several times in the past.
They have been forcing me to obsess about men and dating and dating websites. If I had plenty of free time and there weren't any urgent money problems that would be an interesting thing to think about, but it is not safe to spend all my mental energy thinking about this while simultaneously being forced to fail.
I have avoided visiting Curtis for a couple of reasons. It hurts me to be near him when I have such strong feelings for him and I am not supposed to express them. It's better if I just stay away.
But in the world of the 'puppet mafia,' nothing happens by accident. He just did this tattoo shirt thing, and it had 'trigger images' that were meaningful to the puppeteers controlling me, and they have been having a reaction of screaming hysteria because of it. They have also been upset about other things that he has put online recently.
'Tigers' and 'dragons' have been trigger images to me since this first began. The tiger is my Chinese zodiac symbol, and 'they' also used to call me a 'tiger' whenever I was having a drug reaction and screaming at the attackers when they attacked me, as though it was unusual to become very angry about the fact that you are being attacked. They have always responded by taunting me to make me even more enraged whenever I am enraged, because their goal is to make the victims murder someone else or kill themselves. This is an experience common to all of the victims, the attackers provoking rages and then making them even worse. 'Tiger' images would always be forced into my head to taunt me whenever I was enraged. The message was 'You are a tiger,' a way to make fun of me for being angry and enraged, a way to laugh at my rage and make me even more angry. They also gave me dreams about tigers.
Then I read a news article, or blog, or something, about the 'Tiger Mother' phenomenon, which reinforced the tiger symbol. The 'tiger mother' was the word for mothers in China who are extremely achievement-oriented and force their children to practice something over and over for hours until they can do it perfectly. I read this blog right around the time that I took home a little stuffed tiger from the McDonald's happy meal, and it's labeled 'Mama Tiger.'
Then there is the dragon. I'm not going to go into detail here, but there was a childhood sexual fantasy that involved an imaginary cartoon dragon, and when the attacks began in 2003, they made me become unable to think of that anymore, and it became a constant, neverending type of attack - an attack where they forced me to become unable to fantasize about anything at all while masturbating, while instead they would force disgusting and unpleasant images into my mind, or force me to see people's faces, and things like that, and doing things that were loud and obvious and meant to say, 'I'M WATCHING YOU.'
This is the same spirit as the guards at Guantanamo. Imagine being a prisoner at Guantanamo. They are all males, I assume - I don't believe they have any female prisoners there, but they might - Imagine that, even after all these years of starvation and torture, the men at Guantanamo still feel sexual urges and still need to masturbate privately sometimes, while being constantly surrounded and watched and taunted and tortured by murderers. That is the same spirit as what the attackers are doing to me. The behavior is the same: 'YOU ARE GROSS AND DISGUSTING AND YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO ENJOY YOURSELF.' Instead of seeing masturbation as just another bodily function, as ordinary as going to the bathroom, eating, or breathing - masturbation is just an ordinary thing that you have to do to relieve sexual energy - 'THEY' act like masturbation is a VERY BIG DEAL, something big and important to get all excited about and all upset over, when actually, it is nothing.
They also act like 'IT MATTERS WHAT YOU FANTASIZE ABOUT.' They are obsessed with finding out what your fetishes are, what is unusual or 'abnormal' about your sexual fantasies, and then torturing you over that as though it matters at all. Most fantasies are not connected to reality at all and they are something you would never act on, or they are physically impossible, or whatever, and it doesn't matter to real life at all. But they act like the particular content of your sexual fantasies is LIFE OR DEATH IMPORTANT and if you think about anything which is the slightest bit 'deviant' then you will be tortured and prevented from fantasizing. They do this, while at the same time, behaving as though they are excited about it. They are simultaneously acting like they are excited, while also telling you that you are a 'bad girl' and things like that, and zapping you to prevent you from fantasizing, and telling you that the fantasies are bad and you are an evil disgusting person for thinking about that, while also acting excited. And no, I do not enjoy that. 'Bad girl' is the #1 most disgusting and repulsive thing that any human being can say to me. It is definitely a 'trigger phrase.'
The dragon image is connected to all of that. The dragon is associated with sexual fantasies and childhood drawings and the fact that they forced me to become unable to fantasize about anything at all while masturbating. Then, it turns out that Curtis also likes dragons, and he had a dragon decal on his car - and I like his artistic taste, I like the way he decorates his cars and everything he owns, and I liked the dragon, I wasn't offended by it or anything. But 'they' connected 'dragon' to Curtis partly because of that.
Both images were in the tattoo shirt - and I looked it up online, I was sure I had seen fake tattoo shirts in the past, and yes, they do sell shirts designed to look like tattoos - and he got one that has both a tiger and a dragon on it.
Those trigger images caused the people controlling me to COMPLETELY FREAK OUT. They are taking this as a 'sign' that I am supposed to go visit Curtis, that he misses me and wants to see me, that he sexually desires me, that he needs me, that he is doing things to get my attention, that he needs my help and my protection, that he doesn't want me to find another guy on a dating website.
Meanwhile, in reality, there is little or nothing that I can do for him. I can't keep him out of jail, I can't make him stop using drugs, I can't make him stop doing any other things that endanger him or that could put him in jail, and I am absolutely powerless to have any influence on him or even to set a good example. I am actually setting a BAD example for him because I live a life of constant misery and frustration. Who on earth would ever want to be like me? The only good thing about me as a role model is that I continue to choose life even in spite of living in constant misery. That is no small thing, but even so, it is a very depressing kind of role model.
So right now I've been trying to get a second job FOR MYSELF because it is URGENTLY NECESSARY and I am OUT OF MONEY while the car is about to break down. The engine is making a noise, and I know what it is, and I need to fix it before it breaks, and this is very important. I also need to fix the bumper.
I am living in Bellefonte even though I don't really want to live in Bellefonte. It's nice to be away from the auto pollution - the air pollution is slightly less bad out here - it's not really severe in State College, but I was right next to a busy road where I used to live, and I smelled exhaust there. I don't want to go back to living next to a busy road full of exhaust fumes, but I could live someplace else.
If my car breaks down, I have a long drive to work and would have to ride the bus, and also, should I even get into the story of my refrigerator and the thing that they won't let me finish fixing, the problem that prevents me from using my refrigerator, so that I am forced to eat fast food all the time instead of the food that I want to eat? So I have to go out in my car to grab something to eat, for every single meal. Every meal that I eat is fast food, because there is a problem that 'they' won't allow me to fix, at home, in my kitchen, and I cannot cook and I have to use a small fridge instead of the big one with the freezer. I do not WANT to live this way, I am doing it because the murderers will not allow me to fix the problem at home. It would be relatively easy to fix if I dedicated myself to a couple sessions of working on this problem.
To make a long story short, there is a sickening substance inside my refrigerator which gets into my food and will make me throw up if I put any food in there and eat it. And there are other problems, but they are all simple to fix, but I am physically, forcibly prevented from fixing them, and I am being forced by murderers to buy fast food for EVERY SINGLE MEAL instead of grocery shopping or cooking for myself, and THIS IS EXPENSIVE. Again, I need money for that, and I need a CAR so that I can DRIVE OUT TO GET FAST FOOD for EVERY SINGLE MEAL EVERY SINGLE DAY because of the murderers. If my car breaks down - WHEN my car breaks down - I will have to walk everywhere or take a bus, and Bellefonte is a small town without many restaurants. I will no longer be able to wake up in the morning and go downstairs and get in my car and go out to get coffee (I can't make coffee here because the murderers won't let me set up an at-home coffeemaker again) and food for breakfast.
I shouldn't have to do all those things. I don't talk about this very often, but it's my whole life, and if I lose my car, then all of this will be disrupted and I will have to change the way I do everything, all of a sudden. I won't be able to go out to eat for three meals, or more, every day, on impulse, every time I'm hungry, at the moment when I'm hungry. I will be stuck having to slowly walk everywhere or ride a bus. I will have to buy groceries instead of fast food for each and every meal. Fixing the fridge, so I can put groceries in there, will suddenly become a life-or-death urgent priority, and I will suddenly need pots and pans for cooking, but they haven't allowed me to focus on the problem of finding and buying and testing pots and pans that won't trigger my chemical sensitivity. The last time I bought a new pan, I had a bad reaction to the toxic Teflon and had to get rid of the pan. I have to choose pans made of special materials that won't make me sick.
But they won't allow me to focus my mind on activities like that. Instead it is 'more entertaining' to force me to obsess about men that I cannot have, like Curtis, or men who I cannot find, like finding someone on a dating website that I can stand to be with for five seconds without going crazy, while the murderers simultaneously prevent me from receiving any emails from people who I would actually LIKE. If anyone cool tries to email me, those emails are blocked. That might sound like a joke, but I sincerely believe they are doing that to me. They recognize 'cool' people - they know exactly who I would like. They know exactly what type I want, and if someone becomes fascinated with me or falls in love with me or has a special understanding with me and wants to join me in my life, they block that person's emails and phone calls from ever reaching me, so it seems like I am all alone in the world when actually there are people out there who like me and support me.
I can hear the noise in my car more loudly than before. I heard it just today and it upset me. This was on an errand to go withdraw money, which left me with $200 in the bank - not enough to pay rent at the end of the month - and I had my window open while ordering fast food at a drive thru window, and I could hear the engine louder than ever. It changes when the temperature changes, and it was warm outside today. A while ago, one of my McDonald's co-workers heard me driving up while she was sitting outside, and she told me, 'Your bolts are squealing.' I misheard her - she had actually said 'belts,' not 'bolts,' but I went a long time thinking it was 'bolts.' She told me she knew a lot about cars and that she might be able to fix it if she had time, but we never got to it and I forgot about it.
My engine is indeed making a squealing noise. I tried to tell the mechanic that a co-worker had told me my bolts were squealing, and, understandably, he didn't know what that meant either. That was when I went to the mechanic for something else, like an oil change or something. So then, a while later, I saw something in the magazine that my car insurance company sends me, and it had a list of serious problems that ought to be fixed before they cause even bigger problems, and 'squealing BELTS' was what they said. I recognized this and recognized that it was 'belts' not 'bolts.' If your belts are squealing then it will cause severe damage and totally destroy your engine. But you can quickly and easily fix the belts before that happens, and it's much cheaper to fix it before it happens. I NEED TO FOCUS MY MIND ON DOING THIS INSTEAD OF GOING TO DATING WEBSITES OR STALKING CURTIS. If I don't focus on this NOW, my car will soon break down, I don't know exactly when it will happen, but IT WILL HAPPEN SOMEDAY. I have no money saved and I will have to take a bunch of money from my parents. There have been many, many times in the past when I have known exactly what was going to happen in the future, but the murderers would not let me prepare for it and take action to prevent it - instead, they acted like they didn't care or like they WANTED it to happen.
THE MURDERERS aren't bothered by my taking money from my parents. They LIKE the idea of me taking money from my parents, and they have often URGED me to DELIBERATELY take money from them in the past. They act like this is a 'free ride' and I should take it easy and be happy about it, because my parents are suckers who will give away lots of free money to their worthless daughter who can't take care of herself. The murderers would like it if I just quit work and took infinite money from my parents forever instead of getting a job. At the same time, they would torture me ruthlessly whenever I lost jobs in the past, when I was totally unemployed for many months taking money from my parents. They simultaneously tell me that being unemployed and taking money is a good thing to do and a bad thing to do, while simultaneously attacking me so badly that my mind cannot rest enough to PREPARE FOR ACTION, which is what I am doing when I meditate and I motivate myself and I prepare to do what I need to do, which is the moment when they zap me and stop all of my thinking processes.
'Hate' isn't a strong enough word to describe what I feel about them. Again, this is the same spirit as the spirit of Guantanamo. When I read about former Guantanamo prisoners, I can actually relate to their experiences. Many of my nightmares have been about things that happened at Guantanamo - not so much recently, but years ago - nightmares about being forced to stick my hands into a bucket full of urine and feces and vomit and toilet paper, and that kind of thing.
So that is why, whatever is going on in Curtis's life right now, I am not going to take his tiger-and-dragon shirt, or his other stuff that he did online, as a 'cry for help' and as a sign that he 'wants me to be part of his life again' or he 'wants me to come visit him.' I do not want to go be near him and suffer the pain of being unable to express my feelings for him. I want to stay away from that. HE IS *NOT* CALLING OUT TO *ME* AND WHATEVER HE IS DOING, IT IS NOT DIRECTED AT ME AND IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME AND I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER IT AND NO CONNECTION TO IT. I do not want to be forced by murderers to obsess over him when THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO, and I have my own urgent emergencies that I have to deal with RIGHT NOW.
Monday, February 14, 2011
here they compare working at meetup to working at google
https://docs.google.com/View?docid=dg2z5whw_41cb322p&pli=1
Again, I really liked this page, I just couldn't load the whole thing, like all the other pages.
I will have to be patient with them. They say they only have 78 employees and they are a non-public company. I *might* *possibly* use meetup to do what I want to do.... but I won't be able to easily do this at home on my own computer if their site won't work. I don't know if they have a mobile version - I doubt it.
Again, I really liked this page, I just couldn't load the whole thing, like all the other pages.
I will have to be patient with them. They say they only have 78 employees and they are a non-public company. I *might* *possibly* use meetup to do what I want to do.... but I won't be able to easily do this at home on my own computer if their site won't work. I don't know if they have a mobile version - I doubt it.
Meetup.com - too bulky
I'm enjoying looking at their website, however, it fails horribly at this criteria: a light, fast, simple, basic website that loads quickly on dialup on computers using an old browser. Other than that, I like them so far. They are an extremely slow loading page and I suspect they would load very slowly even if I was on cable internet. The page also started malfunctioning and almost locked up the browser, so I had to turn all the pages to 'author mode' in Opera and I had to use the firewall to make it stop downloading whatever it was downloading. Whatever it was, it kept on trying and trying and trying to give something to my computer even after I shut the firewall. This is a major annoyance. I don't want to use any website that behaves like that. Everything about it looks really cool too. I like their concept of 'using the internet to get off the internet' and their focus on getting real things done in the real world. I will have to look at them on another computer where the bulky badly designed website isn't as much of a problem. Nobody else will see it as a problem because most other people are using cable internet and new browsers. But it bothers ME.
Also, they are indeed a paid, for-profit company. I don't mind companies being for profit - that's not the problem. I just don't like 'companies' that are 'for profit' in today's world, in American society, under this government, with these laws, that require you to meet specific definitions of 'what is profit?' I disagree with their definitions. They believe that you are still profiting even though you are millions of dollars in debt. I want a company that does not use debt. It can make profit, but it might not be 'profit' in quite the way that most companies view it nowadays. It won't be 'borrow a hundred million dollars and build something huge with it and hire lots of expensive programmers to make something that should have been done using plain text,' and all that. I am already very annoyed that I cannot just easily view this website on my computer - that's the first, and biggest, turnoff for me. That already has made me distrust the whole company. Whatever I like about them, I will always know that something, somewhere, is terribly wrong, because they have a huge, bulky, weird website that won't function on my computer. Do you think I'm joking? I'm dead serious. If the website is huge and bulky and malfunctioning, then that curses the entire company, in my mind. Whatever it was doing to my computer, I could hardly even stop it by putting up the firewall. I don't like that. I want PLAIN TEXT. What part of 'PLAIN TEXT' and 'DIALUP' (or 'MOBILE ACCESSIBLE') don't you understand?
Also, they are indeed a paid, for-profit company. I don't mind companies being for profit - that's not the problem. I just don't like 'companies' that are 'for profit' in today's world, in American society, under this government, with these laws, that require you to meet specific definitions of 'what is profit?' I disagree with their definitions. They believe that you are still profiting even though you are millions of dollars in debt. I want a company that does not use debt. It can make profit, but it might not be 'profit' in quite the way that most companies view it nowadays. It won't be 'borrow a hundred million dollars and build something huge with it and hire lots of expensive programmers to make something that should have been done using plain text,' and all that. I am already very annoyed that I cannot just easily view this website on my computer - that's the first, and biggest, turnoff for me. That already has made me distrust the whole company. Whatever I like about them, I will always know that something, somewhere, is terribly wrong, because they have a huge, bulky, weird website that won't function on my computer. Do you think I'm joking? I'm dead serious. If the website is huge and bulky and malfunctioning, then that curses the entire company, in my mind. Whatever it was doing to my computer, I could hardly even stop it by putting up the firewall. I don't like that. I want PLAIN TEXT. What part of 'PLAIN TEXT' and 'DIALUP' (or 'MOBILE ACCESSIBLE') don't you understand?
I like a challenge. Imagine a dating website without email...
1:03 PM 2/14/11
I like a challenge. It has to be the right kind of challenge, the type of challenge that my mind is designed for.
I like the idea of making a dating website that has no email and no status updates (so it isn't a social networking site like myspace or facebook).
This is like the contortionists who enjoy finding ways to escape from a straitjacket. I like setting up restrictions and then finding a way to do the impossible. I like using Edward de Bono's green hat thinking.
Without emails and status updates, those sites would be useless, wouldn't they? A dating website or social network without emails and status updates would be pointless.
You'd only be able to look at profiles that people had written. You'd see some pictures of them, but pictures would be somewhat restricted too. We don't want people to start adding lots of pictures for their own sake, and we don't want the website users to enjoy looking at everyone's pictures for their own sake.
We want to keep the 'process of using the website' to be as light as possible. You spend less time 'using the website' for its own sake, and more time meeting real people face to face.
I thought that the website could be used to organize meetings at a real place in the real world, someplace local and specific, and you would meet people in a group environment.
Drinking alcohol would be strictly forbidden. This would be an unbreakable rule. It wouldn't just be some trivial rule that was allowed to vary from place to place, a rule where we would look the other way if people ignored the rule. This rule would be the heart and soul, the central core, of this website. It would be the whole point. If anyone was found to be using alcohol at the meetings, they would be banned from the website. It would be one of the strictest rules.
After all, bars already exist. Party crashing already exists. If you haven't been invited to a party, you can just walk down the street and listen to the house that is making the most noise, and then walk right in as though you belong there. Nobody will know that nobody invited you. They will all be too drunk to care. If that's the kind of place you want to go, it's easy to find. People have plenty of ways to find other alcoholics easily whenever they want to. But it's harder to find single non-alcoholics who have the intention of meeting people for the purpose of starting a serious relationship.
Without alcohol, people's inhibitions would not be lowered. There would be less likelihood of meeting random strangers and going home and having meaningless sex with them. The purpose of this website is to help you find people who you like when you're sober.
I would say that if anybody else wanted to start a website devoted to setting up meetings where people drank alcohol, I would be happy to let them make their own website.
I have heard about meetup.com. I think I looked at that website once and I haven't looked at it recently, so I don't know how it works. I don't even know if it still exists. I don't trust any website that was built using venture capital, a website that expects to make a profit through advertising. My website would be a nonprofit site, so cheap and so basic that it used the least possible resources, like plentyoffish.com. I like almost everything about plentyoffish.com, except that it still doesn't work for me because of the 'send a thousand emails to a thousand random strangers' model of online dating.
This is slightly off topic, and slightly on topic, I guess. I wanted to talk about how repulsive this is to me. I tried using online dating again recently and had an unpleasant experience.
There are two things that are repulsive to me, and please, please, for all the men who might be reading this blog, please forgive me because I am about to say a very negative stereotype of men, but I have to say this because it has been my experience. If it bothers you what I am about to say, then just pretend I'm talking about everyone else except you, and YOU would never do such a thing.
Okay. On dating websites, there are very large numbers of men who will fuck anything that moves. It doesn't matter if you don't have a photo on your profile. It doesn't matter if you have an ugly photo. It doesn't matter if you're sixty years old and wrinkly and past menopause. It doesn't matter if you weigh 600 pounds. It doesn't matter if you write bizarre, scary, creepy things about yourself on your profile. All that matters is that THEY BELIEVE you have an XX chromosome and a hole between your legs. (And you might even be able to get away with having some other chromosome combination as long as there was a hole somewhere on your body.)
I emphasized 'they believe' you are a woman, because for all they know, and for all they care, you could be a guy pretending to be a woman, but it doesn't matter, they'll write to you, talk to you, and have cybersex with you anyway, and not care all that much to find out who you are.
Your specific uniqueness is invisible and unimportant to them. One of the most undesirable traits in a mate, for me personally, is 'someone who is unable to see and appreciate my uniqueness.' If someone is unable to see who I am, then I dislike that person. If someone is unable to appreciate my specialness, I dislike that person. If I am viewed exactly the same as 1000 other women who might be disgusting, boring, ugly, stupid, and every other negative thing imaginable - if that person can't see the difference between me and them - if he thinks that I'm just another female like all the others instead of a special, wonderful, unique treasure - then I dislike him.
I am not asking for someone to flatter me with compliments about how wonderful I am, because that is also very annoying. I want someone who *SEES* me. I want him to be perceptive. I want him to look at me and understand me. I want him to understand who I am, why I do what I do, what I care about. I want him to be curious about the things that I am interested in. I want him to ask me 'why' questions. I don't want someone to just give me flattering compliments telling me that I'm the most wonderful, beautiful, amazing woman on earth, because that is a generic statement that anyone can say. He must see something specific and unique about me that other people do not see. Anyone can memorize the words 'beautiful, wonderful, and amazing' or 'incredibly hot' or whatever. Those are just words. They can be given to anybody. I want someone to say groups of words that no one has ever said before.
The other thing that bothers me is people who enjoy having cybersex as an end in itself. Someone who wakes up in the morning and thinks to himself, I want to have cybersex today. I want to get out of bed, get on the computer or send a text message on my phone, and have cybersex with someone, because I enjoy having cybersex with someone, and I don't care that I've never met this person, and I don't care if we really don't have much of a relationship yet, and I don't care if we ever meet each other in the real world at all. I just want to have cybersex. I enjoy writing and reading words on a screen while masturbating. Again, for the men out there reading this blog, please forgive me, but I am telling the truth: I can't stand cybersex. I can't stand it when guys seem to enjoy cybersex as an end in itself, the goal of their day, and meeting the person and having a real relationship is of little or no importance to them. Because that is what happened to me when I tried using the dating website again recently - I had a guy who wanted to have cybersex for the sheer joy of having cybersex, and it wasn't all that important for him to meet me in person - and not only that, but he outright lied about something about himself - and the result was that I struggled, painfully and with terrible strain, while crying, to force myself to try to enjoy having meaningless cybersex with a stranger as a way to start a relationship. It was very unpleasant. (Obviously, I'm not complaining that I was cyber-raped. It was something I consented to do. I tried, I struggled, I had sincere intentions to try to make myself do this, but it went directly against my feelings and against who I am, and all I did was cry.)
So I would like a website where there are no emails. The message sent is: Email is not the purpose of this site, and neither is cybersex. It will still be possible for people to exchange cell phone numbers when they meet. But perhaps I could forbid that as well. Perhaps there could be an official rule forbidding people to exchange phone numbers, at least early on. We would be expected and required to meet in person, AND ONLY meet in person, at this group meeting.
If there's anything I don't like, I can make a rule against it. And the challenge becomes more difficult. How can this dating system work AT ALL if people can't use emails, can't read people's status updates, and are forbidden to drink alcohol or exchange cell phone numbers or have cybersex? That's not even a dating website at all!
I've listed a lot of things that the website is NOT meant to do. What IS it meant to do?
It could be used to tell other people that you exist, that you are single, that you desire to meet someone. It can signal your intention to show up at a particular meeting at a specific time, date, and place. Other people will be attracted to this meeting if they know that someone interesting will be there.
People might 'crash' the meeting. They might show up without having signaled their intent to show up. They might not have put a message on the website saying 'I will be there.' They might feel like it doesn't matter whether or not they tell people that they'll be there. What do we do about that?
People might also say they'll be there, but not show up.
And what do we do at the meetings?
How is this different from a 'singles club?' Don't they already exist? - Well, it will be different from a 'singles club' because it's something I've created. Whatever it is, it will be slightly different somehow. So I would need to research 'singles clubs' and notice the ways that my vision is different from theirs.
Also, even though I said alcohol is forbidden, I don't want people to think that this is a 'quitting alcohol' party. It isn't an alcoholics anonymous meeting. This isn't a place merely for people to all go when they want to quit alcohol. It's for people who don't drink alcohol to begin with, and don't have any issues with alcohol. It isn't focused on 'quitting alcohol' as a goal in itself. 'No alcohol' is a rule, but not a primary goal of the meeting. Kind of like going to activities at the YMCA - it doesn't have alcohol there, but at the same time, 'quitting alcohol' isn't the purpose of all those activities. They have some other purpose in their activities.
What do we do at the meetings? I don't want people just to mill around randomly in a group. Maybe some of the time could be spent 'milling around randomly,' but I want something that brings people together and helps you get with someone you will love.
It shouldn't be just a social meeting for the sake of a social meeting. I don't want this to just end as 'we all get together and socialize.' I want it to be 'We get together as a group to see potential mates in the real world, and interact with them, and after taking a series of steps, we will go off alone together and have a private relationship separately.' There might be some kind of 'social' aspect to the group, however, it's very important that we make it clear, we are not here merely to enjoy socializing, because if that is what you want, go to the YMCA and join some of their classes and activities (which I have sometimes wanted to do, every time they send me one of their catalogs in the mail and I've looked at it and seen that a lot of stuff there looks like fun).
I want this to be a meeting where everybody knows, everyone is aware, everyone AGREES that we are here for the purpose of finding someone to bond with privately. At the YMCA (or wherever) you might randomly happen to meet someone and like them individually, but you don't know for sure whether it's okay to go asking them on dates or asking them to spend time alone with you. At my meeting, I want everyone to know for sure that we are all here, every single one of us, because we have all agreed that we need to meet people for the purpose of finding our own relationships. I don't want anybody to be doubtful about whether or not it's okay to ask someone on a date here. That will be the whole purpose. So 'socializing' must be secondary to the main purpose of 'meeting mates.'
There will have to be rules about how to say yes and how to say no, because I don't want cruelty and contempt and rudeness and unkindness to hurt people and make them give up trying.
There would have to be a method of cautiously expressing your interest in someone, while protecting yourself against getting hurt too badly, although it always hurts when someone says no.
I don't want people to go there and spam every single person with a request, and not bother to distinguish people's specialness and individuality. There should be a REASON WHY you want to be with this one, particular, special person, INSTEAD OF all the other people there. Because again, it bothers me very, very much, and disgusts me, when people want to have sex with 'anything that moves' or 'anything that says yes.' If you are there to 'have sex with anything that moves,' there must be some kind of method or restriction that makes it impossible, or unlikely, that you can do that there.
My idea process is like this: if the idea seems exactly like something else, or similar to something else that already exists, I want to compare and contrast the two things and find ways that my idea is different. If someone says 'They've already done that - just go look at X,' or 'That already exists,' then my response is, 'This isn't X. How is my idea different from X?' This isn't a normal dating website. It isn't meetup.com (and I need to go look at them again to see how they work). It isn't Craigslist. It isn't facebook or myspace. It isn't a singles club. It isn't a bar. It isn't a social meeting. It isn't the YMCA. It isn't a group orgy. What is it?
Well, I'm putting this out there... I've been thinking about this idea for a long time. I'll get more ideas later.
I like a challenge. It has to be the right kind of challenge, the type of challenge that my mind is designed for.
I like the idea of making a dating website that has no email and no status updates (so it isn't a social networking site like myspace or facebook).
This is like the contortionists who enjoy finding ways to escape from a straitjacket. I like setting up restrictions and then finding a way to do the impossible. I like using Edward de Bono's green hat thinking.
Without emails and status updates, those sites would be useless, wouldn't they? A dating website or social network without emails and status updates would be pointless.
You'd only be able to look at profiles that people had written. You'd see some pictures of them, but pictures would be somewhat restricted too. We don't want people to start adding lots of pictures for their own sake, and we don't want the website users to enjoy looking at everyone's pictures for their own sake.
We want to keep the 'process of using the website' to be as light as possible. You spend less time 'using the website' for its own sake, and more time meeting real people face to face.
I thought that the website could be used to organize meetings at a real place in the real world, someplace local and specific, and you would meet people in a group environment.
Drinking alcohol would be strictly forbidden. This would be an unbreakable rule. It wouldn't just be some trivial rule that was allowed to vary from place to place, a rule where we would look the other way if people ignored the rule. This rule would be the heart and soul, the central core, of this website. It would be the whole point. If anyone was found to be using alcohol at the meetings, they would be banned from the website. It would be one of the strictest rules.
After all, bars already exist. Party crashing already exists. If you haven't been invited to a party, you can just walk down the street and listen to the house that is making the most noise, and then walk right in as though you belong there. Nobody will know that nobody invited you. They will all be too drunk to care. If that's the kind of place you want to go, it's easy to find. People have plenty of ways to find other alcoholics easily whenever they want to. But it's harder to find single non-alcoholics who have the intention of meeting people for the purpose of starting a serious relationship.
Without alcohol, people's inhibitions would not be lowered. There would be less likelihood of meeting random strangers and going home and having meaningless sex with them. The purpose of this website is to help you find people who you like when you're sober.
I would say that if anybody else wanted to start a website devoted to setting up meetings where people drank alcohol, I would be happy to let them make their own website.
I have heard about meetup.com. I think I looked at that website once and I haven't looked at it recently, so I don't know how it works. I don't even know if it still exists. I don't trust any website that was built using venture capital, a website that expects to make a profit through advertising. My website would be a nonprofit site, so cheap and so basic that it used the least possible resources, like plentyoffish.com. I like almost everything about plentyoffish.com, except that it still doesn't work for me because of the 'send a thousand emails to a thousand random strangers' model of online dating.
This is slightly off topic, and slightly on topic, I guess. I wanted to talk about how repulsive this is to me. I tried using online dating again recently and had an unpleasant experience.
There are two things that are repulsive to me, and please, please, for all the men who might be reading this blog, please forgive me because I am about to say a very negative stereotype of men, but I have to say this because it has been my experience. If it bothers you what I am about to say, then just pretend I'm talking about everyone else except you, and YOU would never do such a thing.
Okay. On dating websites, there are very large numbers of men who will fuck anything that moves. It doesn't matter if you don't have a photo on your profile. It doesn't matter if you have an ugly photo. It doesn't matter if you're sixty years old and wrinkly and past menopause. It doesn't matter if you weigh 600 pounds. It doesn't matter if you write bizarre, scary, creepy things about yourself on your profile. All that matters is that THEY BELIEVE you have an XX chromosome and a hole between your legs. (And you might even be able to get away with having some other chromosome combination as long as there was a hole somewhere on your body.)
I emphasized 'they believe' you are a woman, because for all they know, and for all they care, you could be a guy pretending to be a woman, but it doesn't matter, they'll write to you, talk to you, and have cybersex with you anyway, and not care all that much to find out who you are.
Your specific uniqueness is invisible and unimportant to them. One of the most undesirable traits in a mate, for me personally, is 'someone who is unable to see and appreciate my uniqueness.' If someone is unable to see who I am, then I dislike that person. If someone is unable to appreciate my specialness, I dislike that person. If I am viewed exactly the same as 1000 other women who might be disgusting, boring, ugly, stupid, and every other negative thing imaginable - if that person can't see the difference between me and them - if he thinks that I'm just another female like all the others instead of a special, wonderful, unique treasure - then I dislike him.
I am not asking for someone to flatter me with compliments about how wonderful I am, because that is also very annoying. I want someone who *SEES* me. I want him to be perceptive. I want him to look at me and understand me. I want him to understand who I am, why I do what I do, what I care about. I want him to be curious about the things that I am interested in. I want him to ask me 'why' questions. I don't want someone to just give me flattering compliments telling me that I'm the most wonderful, beautiful, amazing woman on earth, because that is a generic statement that anyone can say. He must see something specific and unique about me that other people do not see. Anyone can memorize the words 'beautiful, wonderful, and amazing' or 'incredibly hot' or whatever. Those are just words. They can be given to anybody. I want someone to say groups of words that no one has ever said before.
The other thing that bothers me is people who enjoy having cybersex as an end in itself. Someone who wakes up in the morning and thinks to himself, I want to have cybersex today. I want to get out of bed, get on the computer or send a text message on my phone, and have cybersex with someone, because I enjoy having cybersex with someone, and I don't care that I've never met this person, and I don't care if we really don't have much of a relationship yet, and I don't care if we ever meet each other in the real world at all. I just want to have cybersex. I enjoy writing and reading words on a screen while masturbating. Again, for the men out there reading this blog, please forgive me, but I am telling the truth: I can't stand cybersex. I can't stand it when guys seem to enjoy cybersex as an end in itself, the goal of their day, and meeting the person and having a real relationship is of little or no importance to them. Because that is what happened to me when I tried using the dating website again recently - I had a guy who wanted to have cybersex for the sheer joy of having cybersex, and it wasn't all that important for him to meet me in person - and not only that, but he outright lied about something about himself - and the result was that I struggled, painfully and with terrible strain, while crying, to force myself to try to enjoy having meaningless cybersex with a stranger as a way to start a relationship. It was very unpleasant. (Obviously, I'm not complaining that I was cyber-raped. It was something I consented to do. I tried, I struggled, I had sincere intentions to try to make myself do this, but it went directly against my feelings and against who I am, and all I did was cry.)
So I would like a website where there are no emails. The message sent is: Email is not the purpose of this site, and neither is cybersex. It will still be possible for people to exchange cell phone numbers when they meet. But perhaps I could forbid that as well. Perhaps there could be an official rule forbidding people to exchange phone numbers, at least early on. We would be expected and required to meet in person, AND ONLY meet in person, at this group meeting.
If there's anything I don't like, I can make a rule against it. And the challenge becomes more difficult. How can this dating system work AT ALL if people can't use emails, can't read people's status updates, and are forbidden to drink alcohol or exchange cell phone numbers or have cybersex? That's not even a dating website at all!
I've listed a lot of things that the website is NOT meant to do. What IS it meant to do?
It could be used to tell other people that you exist, that you are single, that you desire to meet someone. It can signal your intention to show up at a particular meeting at a specific time, date, and place. Other people will be attracted to this meeting if they know that someone interesting will be there.
People might 'crash' the meeting. They might show up without having signaled their intent to show up. They might not have put a message on the website saying 'I will be there.' They might feel like it doesn't matter whether or not they tell people that they'll be there. What do we do about that?
People might also say they'll be there, but not show up.
And what do we do at the meetings?
How is this different from a 'singles club?' Don't they already exist? - Well, it will be different from a 'singles club' because it's something I've created. Whatever it is, it will be slightly different somehow. So I would need to research 'singles clubs' and notice the ways that my vision is different from theirs.
Also, even though I said alcohol is forbidden, I don't want people to think that this is a 'quitting alcohol' party. It isn't an alcoholics anonymous meeting. This isn't a place merely for people to all go when they want to quit alcohol. It's for people who don't drink alcohol to begin with, and don't have any issues with alcohol. It isn't focused on 'quitting alcohol' as a goal in itself. 'No alcohol' is a rule, but not a primary goal of the meeting. Kind of like going to activities at the YMCA - it doesn't have alcohol there, but at the same time, 'quitting alcohol' isn't the purpose of all those activities. They have some other purpose in their activities.
What do we do at the meetings? I don't want people just to mill around randomly in a group. Maybe some of the time could be spent 'milling around randomly,' but I want something that brings people together and helps you get with someone you will love.
It shouldn't be just a social meeting for the sake of a social meeting. I don't want this to just end as 'we all get together and socialize.' I want it to be 'We get together as a group to see potential mates in the real world, and interact with them, and after taking a series of steps, we will go off alone together and have a private relationship separately.' There might be some kind of 'social' aspect to the group, however, it's very important that we make it clear, we are not here merely to enjoy socializing, because if that is what you want, go to the YMCA and join some of their classes and activities (which I have sometimes wanted to do, every time they send me one of their catalogs in the mail and I've looked at it and seen that a lot of stuff there looks like fun).
I want this to be a meeting where everybody knows, everyone is aware, everyone AGREES that we are here for the purpose of finding someone to bond with privately. At the YMCA (or wherever) you might randomly happen to meet someone and like them individually, but you don't know for sure whether it's okay to go asking them on dates or asking them to spend time alone with you. At my meeting, I want everyone to know for sure that we are all here, every single one of us, because we have all agreed that we need to meet people for the purpose of finding our own relationships. I don't want anybody to be doubtful about whether or not it's okay to ask someone on a date here. That will be the whole purpose. So 'socializing' must be secondary to the main purpose of 'meeting mates.'
There will have to be rules about how to say yes and how to say no, because I don't want cruelty and contempt and rudeness and unkindness to hurt people and make them give up trying.
There would have to be a method of cautiously expressing your interest in someone, while protecting yourself against getting hurt too badly, although it always hurts when someone says no.
I don't want people to go there and spam every single person with a request, and not bother to distinguish people's specialness and individuality. There should be a REASON WHY you want to be with this one, particular, special person, INSTEAD OF all the other people there. Because again, it bothers me very, very much, and disgusts me, when people want to have sex with 'anything that moves' or 'anything that says yes.' If you are there to 'have sex with anything that moves,' there must be some kind of method or restriction that makes it impossible, or unlikely, that you can do that there.
My idea process is like this: if the idea seems exactly like something else, or similar to something else that already exists, I want to compare and contrast the two things and find ways that my idea is different. If someone says 'They've already done that - just go look at X,' or 'That already exists,' then my response is, 'This isn't X. How is my idea different from X?' This isn't a normal dating website. It isn't meetup.com (and I need to go look at them again to see how they work). It isn't Craigslist. It isn't facebook or myspace. It isn't a singles club. It isn't a bar. It isn't a social meeting. It isn't the YMCA. It isn't a group orgy. What is it?
Well, I'm putting this out there... I've been thinking about this idea for a long time. I'll get more ideas later.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
His dad went away to Colorado and never came back.
1:47 PM 2/13/11
I will make this short because I'm getting ready for work.
When Curtis was a baby his dad moved away to Colorado and never came back. Curtis told me he tried to convince his dad to come back or at least visit once in a while, but he couldn't convince him. He still lives out there in Colorado, too far away to visit. Curtis only visited him once, if I recall correctly. I've been to Colorado once too, many years ago, and we flew on a plane on a trip for a school competition that I was in. It took a long time. This is not a trip that you can make very often.
So I feel bad for Curtis about this. I know that I miss my parents down in West Virginia. But it's not that far away, and I can go visit them if I only take a couple days off work.
That feeling of helplessness that I had - "you'll do whatever you want, and you don't care what I want, and I can't make you change your mind" - that is how Curtis feels about his dad. His dad won't come back even if Curtis begs him.
He wrote on facebook a while back, to his dad, that his dad SAYS 'I love you,' but he doesn't show it - he isn't part of his life, he can't see him in the real world, he can't hug him and touch him and hear his voice every day - Curtis himself didn't write it in so many words, he just basically said something like 'you say you love me but you don't do anything about it' or something like that.
His dad said 'I love you' again on Curtis's birthday and I think it probably triggered the same feeling again, the 'I wish you would do something about it then instead of staying far away' feeling. This prank is the kind of thing you might do if you wanted to say, 'Hey, dad, do you even give a shit?' I'm guessing it might have been directed at his dad. My feeling of helplessness and frustration is nothing compared to Curtis's feelings about his dad being so far away and not being part of his life.
I just wanted to mention that because it makes this kind of thing more understandable. I'm guessing he wants to see if his dad will give a reaction. If you had a kid, wouldn't it shock you to see that they had put tattoos all over their entire body all of a sudden? You'd react to it and you'd be really shocked and upset about it even if you liked tattoos. It would be very surprising. So I think that's who he wanted to get a reaction from.
So I got the 'fallout' from something that wasn't directed at me.
I will make this short because I'm getting ready for work.
When Curtis was a baby his dad moved away to Colorado and never came back. Curtis told me he tried to convince his dad to come back or at least visit once in a while, but he couldn't convince him. He still lives out there in Colorado, too far away to visit. Curtis only visited him once, if I recall correctly. I've been to Colorado once too, many years ago, and we flew on a plane on a trip for a school competition that I was in. It took a long time. This is not a trip that you can make very often.
So I feel bad for Curtis about this. I know that I miss my parents down in West Virginia. But it's not that far away, and I can go visit them if I only take a couple days off work.
That feeling of helplessness that I had - "you'll do whatever you want, and you don't care what I want, and I can't make you change your mind" - that is how Curtis feels about his dad. His dad won't come back even if Curtis begs him.
He wrote on facebook a while back, to his dad, that his dad SAYS 'I love you,' but he doesn't show it - he isn't part of his life, he can't see him in the real world, he can't hug him and touch him and hear his voice every day - Curtis himself didn't write it in so many words, he just basically said something like 'you say you love me but you don't do anything about it' or something like that.
His dad said 'I love you' again on Curtis's birthday and I think it probably triggered the same feeling again, the 'I wish you would do something about it then instead of staying far away' feeling. This prank is the kind of thing you might do if you wanted to say, 'Hey, dad, do you even give a shit?' I'm guessing it might have been directed at his dad. My feeling of helplessness and frustration is nothing compared to Curtis's feelings about his dad being so far away and not being part of his life.
I just wanted to mention that because it makes this kind of thing more understandable. I'm guessing he wants to see if his dad will give a reaction. If you had a kid, wouldn't it shock you to see that they had put tattoos all over their entire body all of a sudden? You'd react to it and you'd be really shocked and upset about it even if you liked tattoos. It would be very surprising. So I think that's who he wanted to get a reaction from.
So I got the 'fallout' from something that wasn't directed at me.
The tattoo prank.
Okay, after I got home from work last night, I looked at his photos on my computer and when I look closely, I can see: the fabric weave, a neckline, and wrinkles on the arm. The skin tone is too perfect and uniform - it's perfectly peach everywhere, no red blotches, no changes in tone. He used to have freckles all over his skin, but the freckles are all gone. After waking up this morning and looking at it again, I am absolutely sure it's fake. I thought about it and realized that he would take weeks or months to get his whole torso covered completely in tattoos - it's not just one or two, it's his ENTIRE UPPER BODY AND ARMS in the photos, every inch covered in tattoos. He would be red and swollen and covered in bandages for months. It's true I haven't seen him in person for a while, but even so, this is very sudden.
I am not a tattoo lover. My reaction was, 'OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!!!' I was traumatized. I imagined that I would have to accept this and get used to it whether I liked it or not, and my opinion didn't matter to him and he would make his own decisions no matter what I said (which is actually true, but it didn't happen for real this time).
His pictures are private, so I can't put a link to them, but now that I know how to insert a photo in Wordpress, I think I will do that. You'll see what I saw.
He took the photo looking in a mirror, so there is a flash light reflecting off the mirror.
I'm going to test this and see if those images linked the way I wanted them to....
The reason why I believed this is because he already has a couple of tattoos, and I know that he and his family really are tattoo lovers. But he has a relatively small number of relatively small tattoos in only a couple of places. His mother has lots of tattoos all over her shoulders and upper body too, a lot more than he has. So it was believable. I know this is something that he probably would like to do or has considered doing.
But when you look closely at the detail of the photos, you see: a fabric wrinkle on the arm; the weave of the fabric on the arm; no nipples or navel on the torso - they're totally gone - no freckles or skin color changes or hairs, no red blotches or irregularities in the skin. And he has a coat on over it, because I'm guessing the shirt fabric stretches over the armpits, and you'd be able to see that his armpits were covered up. He usually has good artistic taste, and it looks ugly to be wearing that old coat over top of his 'tattoos.' If he really had real ones, he would take the coat off and show his whole body like they do in the tattoo magazines - he wouldn't be partially covered up.
I am convinced now that it's a prank. That fits with his sense of humor.
But I was really traumatized for real yesterday, and since I was already in a lousy mood (PMS) it made me really depressed and I wanted to cry even more. I am glad to know it's not real and I'm getting over it. But still... the point is that this is something he probably wants to do someday...
I am not a tattoo lover. My reaction was, 'OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!!!' I was traumatized. I imagined that I would have to accept this and get used to it whether I liked it or not, and my opinion didn't matter to him and he would make his own decisions no matter what I said (which is actually true, but it didn't happen for real this time).
His pictures are private, so I can't put a link to them, but now that I know how to insert a photo in Wordpress, I think I will do that. You'll see what I saw.
He took the photo looking in a mirror, so there is a flash light reflecting off the mirror.
I'm going to test this and see if those images linked the way I wanted them to....
The reason why I believed this is because he already has a couple of tattoos, and I know that he and his family really are tattoo lovers. But he has a relatively small number of relatively small tattoos in only a couple of places. His mother has lots of tattoos all over her shoulders and upper body too, a lot more than he has. So it was believable. I know this is something that he probably would like to do or has considered doing.
But when you look closely at the detail of the photos, you see: a fabric wrinkle on the arm; the weave of the fabric on the arm; no nipples or navel on the torso - they're totally gone - no freckles or skin color changes or hairs, no red blotches or irregularities in the skin. And he has a coat on over it, because I'm guessing the shirt fabric stretches over the armpits, and you'd be able to see that his armpits were covered up. He usually has good artistic taste, and it looks ugly to be wearing that old coat over top of his 'tattoos.' If he really had real ones, he would take the coat off and show his whole body like they do in the tattoo magazines - he wouldn't be partially covered up.
I am convinced now that it's a prank. That fits with his sense of humor.
But I was really traumatized for real yesterday, and since I was already in a lousy mood (PMS) it made me really depressed and I wanted to cry even more. I am glad to know it's not real and I'm getting over it. But still... the point is that this is something he probably wants to do someday...
Whoever gets the newly printed money first sees the fewest harmful consequences from it.
In the USA, the economic problems are mild compared to the unemployment and starvation in other countries. This is the place where the printed money comes from. When you make new money and give it to yourself, you're always the richest person in the world. When you spend it, everyone happily takes it from you, and they feel rich too, for a few minutes. You bought something from them, and they were profitable for a few minutes. Prices of everything go up, because somebody's buying all of it with their new money. There is more money available for every bit of 'stuff,' more money per piece of food, more money for every refrigerator, etc. The amount of money divided by the amount of 'stuff out there' becomes larger, so the prices of everything go up. If there exists $50 on earth, and there exist 25 loaves of bread, then it's 50/25, or $2 per loaf of bread. If somebody makes new money, so that we have $100 on earth, and there are still 25 loaves of bread, then it's now $4 per loaf of bread.
But the price doesn't go up right away. It's still $2 a loaf on the first day that the money is printed. Whoever has the money first gets to sneak out into the world and NOT TELL ANYBODY that there's a bunch of new money which will raise the price of a loaf of bread to $4. They still get the cheap price of $2 a loaf, today. The first people to spend the new money get the most benefit from it, and they see a happy, nice, pleasant world around them where they can afford to buy whatever they want.
As the new money spreads outwards around the world, the LAST people to get that money benefit the least from it. By the time they get the new money, the prices of everything have already gone up. The price has gone up to $4 a loaf of bread by then. Those people have to pay the new, higher price of a loaf of bread. Only the very first few people to spend the new money were able to get bread for $2 a loaf.
That's a simple version of inflation. In reality it's more complicated. But that explains enough to give people an idea that the country that prints the most money first - the USA - has the easiest life and the fewest problems, while everyone else suffers more and more as prices go up all around the world.
But the price doesn't go up right away. It's still $2 a loaf on the first day that the money is printed. Whoever has the money first gets to sneak out into the world and NOT TELL ANYBODY that there's a bunch of new money which will raise the price of a loaf of bread to $4. They still get the cheap price of $2 a loaf, today. The first people to spend the new money get the most benefit from it, and they see a happy, nice, pleasant world around them where they can afford to buy whatever they want.
As the new money spreads outwards around the world, the LAST people to get that money benefit the least from it. By the time they get the new money, the prices of everything have already gone up. The price has gone up to $4 a loaf of bread by then. Those people have to pay the new, higher price of a loaf of bread. Only the very first few people to spend the new money were able to get bread for $2 a loaf.
That's a simple version of inflation. In reality it's more complicated. But that explains enough to give people an idea that the country that prints the most money first - the USA - has the easiest life and the fewest problems, while everyone else suffers more and more as prices go up all around the world.
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