drug outbreak; bad day

It's 4:10 PM and I am supposed to be asleep. I am not asleep, because there has been an outbreak of ephedra, the worst of all the drugs, at my apartment. I am still trying to understand how it got there. I have two theories: 1. I had some grocery bags sitting on the passenger seat of my car, and I brought them in and set them on some brown paper that I have covering the floor. The passenger seat has some drugs on it, but it didn't usually seem like ephedra - it usually seemed more like St. John's Wort. So this is strange. 2. The handyman came in my house after all, even though I told him I hadn't seen any bugs. He had been walking around ringing doorbells asking to come in and spray for bugs. I had noticed a couple of harmless, benign bugs, and didn't even care, and forgot that I had seen them, so when he asked if I had seen any, I said no, meaning I haven't seen any to speak of, or any worth worrying about. So he didn't come in. But he might have come in later when I was out, and sprayed for bugs. That would mean he walked up the stairs without taking off his shoes at the bottom of the stairs. The bottom of the stairs is contaminated, and you absolutely have to leave your shoes off down there or you will track drugs up the stairs. So that could have happened.

So there is ephedra on the paper that I walk on, in several places, and it is making it impossible for me to sleep. I drove to town to go to Wal-Mart and get some more brown paper because I'm out of it, and I need a few other things to deal with the contamination. But 'they' wanted me to blog about it, and 'they' wanted to demonstrate that 'self-preservation is the weakest of her instincts,' since I would rather blog about something than go get the paper and supplies I need at the store.

The outbreak began yesterday, and it turned up the volume all the way on my feelings and emotions. So instead of having a mild or neutral response, I had an 'extremely intolerable, excruciating agony' response to a particular thing that was bothering me, and it made me want to cry, so I spent a few minutes trying not to cry while this particular thing was going on. Normally I would not be so intense, but I had already been hit with the drugs yesterday.

I hate 'them' for being so stupid and unrealistic. I have always been able to see things realistically, but 'they' want to force people to do things against their will, and 'they' are not able to let go of people, and they've been telling me 'you have to include him in your plans' and other stupid things like that. Yeah, that is what 'they' would do - force people to do things that they don't want to do, and write them into your plans whether they want to be in your plans or not. I have always planned things that I actually have control over, which means I DON'T 'include people in my plans' when those people do not consent to be in my plans. Instead I plan things that I control directly, such as my money, and my jobs, and my projects, and the things that I'm learning and studying, and other things that I have direct control over.

This 'problem' began immediately when Martin left. It was like he went out through a revolving door, put on a new mask, and walked right back in the door. For a very long time, I ignored people, I did not look at them, I did not bond with them, and I stayed detached and separated from people, and I ESPECIALLY did not try to start relationships with attractive young guys. But 'they' started doing something new when I met Martin, and they decided to try forcing me to start going after young guys who I would have normally ignored or been neutral about or closed off and protected against. I think most people would interpret this as me deciding it myself, but no, it was definitely something I was protected against - I had protective beliefs, I had rules that I followed, I had a certain attitude and a way of looking at things, I had assumptions - and 'they' really did attack and destroy all of those things that I was using to protect myself. They decided that it was 'possible' and 'desirable' and all that, to go after younger guys like Martin, and they forced me to do and say a lot of things I would not have done otherwise, especially since I was always having drug reactions.

So, as soon as he left, I should have gone back to my earlier assumptions and beliefs and ways of looking at things. However, there is a problem with my job. The job that I do is boring and lonely and I am by myself most of the time there (at the grocery store, not at McD's. McD's is sociable and I am usually with several different people most of the time). So I USED to spend the time planning about THINGS I HAD CONTROL OVER. But 'they' forced me, instead, to obsess about guys, something I DO NOT have control over. Why obsess about something that you can't do anything about? I have to think about something through the hours when it's boring and lonely and there's nothing to do except think. I used to think about my money, about where I would live, where I was going to move to, how I would build my shield, how much money I would need to save in order to do this or that, how I was going to solve some particular problem. But that's too PRODUCTIVE for THEM. They instead force me to worry about things that are harmful, self-destructive diversions that I can't do anything about. Any other targeted individual would agree with me that they force you to obsess about things that you have no control over, instead of thinking and planning productively to prepare for action on things you DO have control over.

I should be sleeping right now, but the ephedra on the floor (it's actually on some brown paper I put down) has made me too uncomfortable and it causes the worst insomnia that you will ever experience. 'YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED,' one of the voices said to me yesterday, and I don't know what they were referring to. I think they were trying to take credit for the ephedra outbreak, claiming that they put it there, or something.

There are also, as always, several different personas competing to control me. Some of them are doing the stupid, idiotic 'Cling to him and include him in your plans' belief system, which is NOT ME and that is NOT how I behave, that is NOT how I treat people. Another persona, who seems to be more realistic, is encouraging me to have the 'grief response,' ('We're getting a grief response,' they said, when they were pointing out to me that he has a girlfriend and there's nothing wrong with her) which I how I myself think I should be responding - grief is something I should do quickly and efficiently and realistically - and in the REAL WORLD, I would - but the other personas, the stupid and unrealistic ones, zap me whenever I try to process grief and be realistic. They actually zap me no matter what feelings and emotions I'm trying to process.

I am not looking forward to how I will feel when I go to work after writing another blog like this. I had this blog anonymous for a reason, but they wanted me to connect it to my non-anonymous blogs so that everybody could find it, and I would have to go to work the next day wondering, 'Do these people have nothing better to do than read my blog? Or, are they puppets being forced to say something?' I can't tell when people are puppets and when they're actually reading. I assume there are a lot of people being forced to say particular things and they can't help saying those things. As soon as I learned about the puppet phenomenon I was able to argue against the 'Truman Show Theory,' which believes 'everybody's in on it.' I out-argued that theory years and years ago and I say instead that people are forced to say and do things without understanding why, and hardly anybody at all is actually 'in on it.' (*note, by the way, reading the blog doesn't mean someone's 'in on it.' It sounded that way, but that's not what I mean.*)

The competing personas giving me false beliefs all the time - they responded with a bunch of crap after yesterday's 'trying not to cry' incident. The stuff that 'they' said to me about the incident was stupider and more ridiculous than anything I myself would have ever believed. For instance, he was 'just testing me to find out how I feel' and other idiotic ideas like that, which I myself KNOW are NOT TRUE because I am REALISTIC. Do you know how much I HATE having these stupid people putting stupid ideas in my head that would have never even occurred to me? I don't go around having paranoid beliefs about how somebody is just testing me to find out how I feel. I assume people are just doing whatever they want to do, and the world DOES NOT revolve around me with everybody 'testing me to find out how I feel.'

The other phrase they started using was 'approval junkie.' This is a new phrase that they have never said to me before, and they started saying it when they woke me up this morning. They started calling him an 'approval junkie.' I would not have used that phrase myself. I actually understand why he does what he does, because I do it myself: you try to give everybody what they want, all of the time, especially people who seem like undervalued, under-appreciated outcasts who need to be loved and accepted. I am a stray cat collector (when I used to live in the trailer, and stray cats were around) and there is always an infinite supply of stray cats to collect. 'Approval' isn't the right word, either, because when I do it, I am not trying to 'win approval' or anything resembling that. The 'approval junkie' bullcrap that they started saying to me this morning was an unrealistic, delusional belief system that I myself recognize as crap: they were telling me all this stuff like 'he's just testing you' and they're trying to convince me that actually, I'm the center of his universe and everything he's doing revolves around me - which again, I DO NOT believe that, myself. I NEVER assume that I'm the center of the universe and what somebody's doing is revolving around me.

So, waking up to a bunch of crap this morning, and trying to get back to sleep while getting hit with ephedra that got on my brown paper from an unknown location - I don't understand how so much of it could have come from the passenger seat when it usually seemed more like SJW was there instead of ephedra. But it happened and now I have to deal with the contamination. I'm going to own a trailer and it won't have carpets. Carpets are the root of all evil, with regard to contamination outbreaks. I only have eleven minutes left, so I should publish this and then go to Wal-Mart and get my supplies. Meanwhile, I also have to deal with this 'other problem' and all their bullcrap beliefs and assumptions about me being the center of the universe and all that garbage, so I have to fight against all those ideas and waste my mental efforts doing something I don't even need to do.