This is just a lot of random thoughts. I just woke up from a nap and I am not very alert right now. I have been sick for the past couple days and haven't been able to eat very much, which explains why I'm obsessed with the subject of food (the Weston Price diet), and why I'm sitting here for hours writing in my blog instead of doing something active. I don't feel very well.
But this turned out to be an okay blog, not too negative or cynical or traumatic.
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'Kids, don't try this at home': I haven't tried eating any raw foods other than vegetables and fruits. Parasites and microbes really do exist and they can sometimes be in raw meat. It sometimes happens because the factory where they're packaged is unsanitary, but other times, the animal itself already has something in it. So you have to find out which types of meat are the safest, and which parts, and you have to know what you're doing. I'm only reading about it but not actually trying it.
There are other problems that can happen from eating raw meat. I had a problem with sushi, and it turns out that I cannot eat raw eel. Raw eel blood is toxic, but the poison is neutralized by cooking it. Every time I ate sushi with eel in it, I would get very, very sleepy and tired, feel sick at my stomach and feel very cold, and then have severe leg muscle cramps for days. Muscle spasms were specifically what they described as being a result of eel blood toxin. (I seem to remember a couple of co-workers teasing me about my 'shocking' experience with the 'electric eel.' You know who you are. :) Maybe there's not much eel blood there, and some people can tolerate it, but I can't.
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Generations: I was reading about generations. Having been born in 1974, I am part of Generation X, which is also called the Boomerang Generation and the MTV Generation (on Wikipedia). I had never heard of the Boomerang Generation, but when I read the description, I recognized myself and hung my head in shame. The Boomerang Generation is the group of people who left home, went to school, and then eventually boomeranged back to live at home with their parents again, due to unstable conditions in the job market - layoffs, the dotcom bubble, and now this credit market collapse. I never actually went home to live, but I've gone through repeated periods of unemployment, with financial help from my parents so I could pay my rent.
(In the old days, the job market was more stable. You might go to work at a factory, and you could expect to still be working at the same factory for the rest of your life.)
I agreed with that description, however I don't think it uniquely defines my generation in particular. I think that all the next generations will have that same problem, and that economic bubbles are going to happen every couple years. (I shouldn't say 'I THINK it will happen,' but rather, 'I'm as sure as it's possible to be about the future, and I'm betting on it.') It simply isn't possible to 'learn' from the 'mistakes' of the previous bubble in order to prevent the next one. The government-controlled fiat money system is so totally corrupt and unstable that it will collapse again and again for several more decades, destroying more of our economy each time, and I doubt that they will put gold and silver back into our money in order to stabilize it. Maybe a long time from now, but I don't know when. It's still politically incorrect to talk about gold and silver being used as everyday money.
I was laid off from a 'great' job when the dotcom bubble burst in 2000-2001. I used to sit at a chair in front of a computer, clicking links on a web page and printing things out, earning $10/hr (which was later raised to $12!). I STILL don't earn $10/hr yet at my current job, much less $12.
Then, I got another 'great' job, only to be laid off again a couple years later.
Ever since then I have read about economics and the money system in order to understand why economic bubbles happen, and to predict which types of jobs are more recession-proof than other jobs. Ludwig von Mises explained a lot of it, and so did the other well-known libertarian authors. And later, Antal Fekete explained a lot of it. He's sometimes hard to understand, but he knows how to interpret the significance of economic events that happen. He knows what it all means.
Our economy is becoming more of a 'service' economy, but this actually means something more like a 'subsistence' economy. It means burger-flipping. Let me try to explain this. If you are a primitive hunter-gatherer, you spend all day gathering food, hunting, maybe farming a bit, or tending your herds, and then cooking and eating whatever food you've collected. Then, you do the same thing the next day. Right now, that is exactly what I do, except I do it indoors, and I hunt and gather food out of a refrigerator or freezer, and prepare it so that other people can eat it, and then I take home money instead of food.
There is no feeling of 'progress.' Progress is when you feel sure that tomorrow will be better than today, because something has changed or accumulated. That could be wealth or knowledge or whatever. But people's attempts to make 'progress,' or to build wealth, or to start new business ventures, get destroyed by economic bubbles collapsing. Afterwards, they call that hopeful, optimistic excitement, that sense of progress and improvement, 'Irrational Exuberance.' But the collapsing bubbles are caused by the fiat money system, not by irrationality. (*Oops, what I mean is, yes, the fiat money system is also 'irrational.' But I mean, the problem ISN'T caused by individual people making individual mistakes because of their own irrationality. They didn't just screw up and invest their money in the wrong things because they were irrational all by themselves. The whole money system is messed up. But yes, the fiat money system could also be described as 'irrational.'*)
My pessimism and cynicism are a personal feeling, and I see it out in the world when I look out there. It's the opposite of rose-colored glasses. Optimism and a sense of long-lasting, stable progress: that's what I want to experience. Some people still feel optimistic and hopeful, and they still feel a sense of progress and accumulation. Some people still feel that the economy and their lives are stable and reliable. I've had a really lousy decade, so it's hard for me to feel that way. I think that if I cooperate with other people, we will all benefit and have more progress and stability. This is why I'm interested in community-building. It means: a 'grey market' agorist system, with more economic self-reliance, trading with people you know to get basics like food, without depending on large businesses that experience financial problems again and again.
*****
As much as I say that gold and silver need to be made into money again, I have a problem with them. I have observed that when I touch my silver coins, I feel a strange sensation in my hand. It feels like the muscles of my hand and arm are going to twitch or have an involuntary muscle contraction. Then, within a minute or two, my head gets a dopey sensation and I can no longer think clearly or express myself very well. Oddly enough, I think that this mind-state might even lead to poetry-writing - that's what happened the last time I experienced this. I just didn't make a finished product out of it and I didn't put it on my blog.
I have a couple theories. First, I think that some of the coins are full of lead instead of silver. If you mix copper and lead, you get a metal whose average density is like silver's. (From what I recall.) Fake silver. So I could be getting lead poisoning from handling some of my coins.
It doesn't always happen, just sometimes. It would be neat to do an experiment where I would be allowed to touch-test coins to see if I could detect which ones were counterfeit merely by touching them and sensing the lead poisoning through my skin. I've thought that I could try testing some of the lead weights used for fishing, to see if I got the same sensation.
But lead poisoning is only one interpretation. The other interpretation is that it could also be copper, or silver itself. I've decided from my own experiences and from what I've read that ALL metals are potentially not good for you, but some of them are much worse than others. Lead is one of the worst. Nickel causes skin irritation when it's used in jewelry or watchbands.
Copper is not really good for you, and I've had some unpleasant experiences with it. I tried holding pennies in my hand, and then pouring vinegar over them and mixing it around while holding it in my hand, and afterwards, I felt crazy and insane and I couldn't think clearly. It was a very bad feeling. The other problem I had was one day when my hair was wet, and I tried using bronze hair pins to put my hair up in a bun. (I usually use cheapo little plastic clips - I don't like them, but they're convenient and easy to use. They're such bad quality that I have to buy new ones every couple months because the plastic breaks.) The bronze pins touched my scalp, and it gave me a persistent, unpleasant tickling sensation that lingered for a very long time, and I was tired and could not think clearly. I remembered that familiar sensation from holding the vinegar-pennies.
(The reason I messed around to see what would happen if I put vinegar on pennies and held it in my hand, was because a while ago, I had a desire to make jewelry out of copper. I LOVE the beautiful bright color of copper, and would love to see it in jewelry, so I thought that I would make something unique that nobody else was making. But in doing my research I found out that pure copper tends to react with the skin oils and sweat, leaving green stains. So I became suspicious and decided it might not be safe, and I read about it, and found out that in ayurvedic medicine, they are very careful about using copper because it can cause convulsions and vomiting.)
Stainless steel seems to be okay for me. I don't feel any unpleasant sensations touching stainless steel 'silverware' or stainless steel food preparation surfaces.
I don't wear jewelry anymore because it gives me an unpleasant sensation on my skin, even if it's gold - though gold jewelry always contains some other metal like copper. I first found out about this when my watch buckle (which contained nickel) left an irritated rash on the inside of my wrist, and I had to wrap the buckle with string to keep it away from my skin.
These are all things where it's not a problem if you only touch a little bit of it. But if you handle large amounts of metal, every day, and if they are the most dangerous ones, like lead or copper, then enough of it will go through your skin that you will develop mental health problems as a result of metal poisoning. People who work at metal refineries will have health problems unless they protect their skin and protect their lungs from inhaling metal.
I can tell when it happens, immediately while it's happening. I feel that something is very wrong and that I can't think clearly. Perhaps that's a lucky thing.
I read on Wikipedia (I think?) that in the Roman Empire, they made water pipes entirely out of lead! Not just a little bit of lead solder here and there, but the entire pipe! I imagine that in and of itself could probably have caused the empire to collapse - and I'm only half-joking. That 'fact' could be wrong, though, and I never read it anyplace else except on one particular day when I was randomly reading things. I would have to look it up again and would probably find out that it was not true.
Anyway, I found out that copper is less of a problem when it's alloyed with some other metal, like zinc or tin. So people can tolerate brass jewelry (copper-zinc) a little better. I forget the details, and I might not be describing it correctly. But reading all about that led me to decide that copper jewelry was a bad idea. That sucks because I really do love the bright color of copper and I thought it would make great jewelry.
It's not as bad if my skin is dry. If my skin or the copper is wet, I get the unpleasant feeling very quickly.
I thought that heavy metal poisoning could explain why Enoch went crazy and eventually got sick, in Garet Garrett's 'The Cinder Buggy.' The Ludwig von Mises website was advertising Garet Garrett a while ago and I downloaded all the pdf files from them. They sell the books on one page, but someplace else, they offer the pdf files for free, if you can find that page. It's in some section called 'online literature' or something similar to that - I'd have to go looking again to find it. I loved Garet Garrett's books. I love the way he writes and the way he sees people.
******
That fits in with a theory I haven't talked about much yet: 'Books written a long time ago are very different from books written today.' You can discover this looking through Google Books or on Project Gutenberg. The entire thinking style is much clearer, less 'ADHD' than today's authors. A lot of it is much higher quality. Some of that poor quality of today's writing is explained by the fact that it's cheap and easy for anybody to get published, so EVERYBODY is writing a book, whereas back then, you had to be really great in order for somebody to publish you. But I also think people were psychologically different back then.
I was looking back at them to find out about people's psychic experiences back then - what did they dream about at night, did they hear voices in their heads back then, how did 'mental illness' look back then, how did they describe 'psychic' or 'visionary' phenomena, what happened when they quietly meditated or said prayers - when they prayed, did they hear a literal voice of God talking back to them the way people do today?
The answer is no: The Voice of God was a metaphorical voice, not a literal one. God did not speak directly to people in words the way 'He' does today. You can read about it all over the internet, if you read about paranormal/religious stories that people are telling, where they say a prayer, and God tells them very specifically to do things, in words. Nowadays, many people literally hear voices when they pray to God. I am sure that back in the old days, they didn't. But this gets complicated if you read the Bible and see places where God himself directly tells people things, though, and I want to sort that out and interpret what's going on.
I call myself an atheist. But I wouldn't have much of a conflict with religious people, if only their God was a silent presence that did not speak to them and give them verbal commands. It bothers me that nowadays, God speaks verbally and tells people to do stuff, to do specific things. The metaphorical 'Voice of God' is okay with me, if it's only a feeling or a sense that you should do something - if you meditate quietly and feel sure that some course of action is the right thing for you. But I've found there are some problems with that, too, and I'm not sure if I even trust those types of feelings nowadays. There are so many things that I would like to test within a shielded environment to block out electromagnetic interference.
People need to be able to listen only to themselves, to their own minds, to find the metaphorical Voice of God within themselves, without intrusions and interference from human activities. Humanists or atheists might call it the Voice of the Inner Self, which is how I interpret it. And I hope to experience that silence again someday before I die. Silence is a most precious experience.
Showing posts with label being myself. Show all posts
Showing posts with label being myself. Show all posts
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
opera browser; handouts; good/bad/reward/punish; the minds of children and apes; my psychotronic attack experiences; songwriting
these are random thoughts. no particular subject.
(*note, after i started writing, it wandered into sexual topics. but they're mostly from a sort of detached and impersonal point of view. anyway i think that happened partly because i didn't have much food in the house and haven't had much for breakfast. for some reason, if i get up in the morning, drink coffee, and don't eat enough, i end up writing obsessively for hours and it ends up being about sexual topics. writing for too long usually happens if i'm hungry.*)
(*okay, not only did it go into sexual topics, it also went into a very angry monologue about 'this is what the criminals did to me, i hate them.' it's all true, but at the same time, it really went on longer and longer, and the solution is that i have to go get something to eat, instead of typing at my computer.*)
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i love the opera browser. one thing i love the most about it are the notes. you can highlight text on web pages, hit 'copy to note,' and it saves it in your notes along with a record of what web page it came from, and the date. you can also just type a note from scratch, and you can make folders and sort them. it's easy to look at and easy to use, and i enjoy using it. it's not just a text editor.
they screwed up the notes' behavior in the latest version of opera. they fixed one bug, and created another bug. they fixed it so that if you have your pointer/locator/highlighter/whatever on a particular folder, then all the notes you copy will automatically be put in that folder - originally, it was just putting newly copied notes onto the bottom of the list.
however, they screwed up the ordering behavior. the notes always used to just stay in the order you put them in, but now for some reason it alphabetizes them. this causes a major slowdown, because it alphabetizes it while you're typing. in order to stop it from alphabetizing, you have to download a user-made button that says 'sort by my order.' and even if you use this, the notes still re-sort themselves alphabetically every time you open opera. and i still have problems with the words appearing too slowly as i type, although that could be caused by my computer's overall hacked-ness instead of by opera itself. (i'm cleaning up my computer to eventually remove some of the spyware. the spyware will probably reappear immediately, but it won't be as awful as it is right now. and i will still be better off than i was, because things will be organized and backed up onto disks.)
anyway, i have installers for a couple old versions of opera. i reinstalled an old one, and the notes behave better. if i ever built my own web browser, i would copycat the opera notes feature, and it would be one of the most important things that i would advertise about the browser.
if i built my own web browser, i'd design it so that it would never, ever, ever display any Flash, under any circumstances, nor would it offer to download the latest versions of Flash, etc, etc, etc. (and maybe it would automatically send an angry email to the webmasters of those sites telling them to redesign their pages without Flash. ;) if you had to see something in Flash, you would either be 1. screwed, or 2. have a totally separate browser designed to do nothing but look at Flash pages and images. i wouldn't mind having a separate little device that does nothing but display Flash, while inhibiting Flash on the ordinary pages that i want to look at quickly and easily. i only know of one web page where i would really lose anything by refusing to display Flash, and that's Soundclick.com, where you can only listen to the music by using their little Flash player.
Flash is always a problem for me because i've formatted my hard drive and reinstalled my operating system several times in the past, and every time i start over, i get all these messages telling me to update to the latest version of Flash, and i'm on windows 98, so i can't go beyond a certain version, and i'm pretty sure that some of those 'update your Flash' messages might be spyware installers. or at least, they theoretically could be. i don't remember if i actually read someplace that they are? anyway, just about anything on a web page that gives you a message or dialog box that pops up is able to be a spyware installation. if you click on any buttons at all, no matter what the text beneath them says - and this is the slightly humorous thing about spyware - the button might say 'Cancel,' or 'Exit,' or 'No! Do not install this! Leave me alone! I never want to see this dialog box again!' and you click that button, and it actually installs the spyware. and i can't advise you what to do when that happens. sometimes i hit ctrl-alt-delete and shut down the whole browser, if i'm feeling paranoid, if i'm in a bad mood, and if i'm paying attention to what's going on. however, you can't control very much with ctrl-alt-delete in windows 98.
(*i read about that stuff because, years ago, i thought my problems involved 'only hackers' instead of psychotronics. hackers became a much lower priority problem after i found out that mind reading is real.*)
i've heard of a program called 'No Flash,' and i looked it up. it seems to only work with internet explorer.
anyway, i hope i haven't offended any Flash-lovers out there.
*******
i might temporarily make my web pages anonymous. i'm not sure yet. i've had some vague suggestions that potential employers are looking me up on the internet and saying 'whoa! this lady is nuts. i'm glad i found out about her craziness before i hired her!'
originally, i didn't intend to blog openly about mind control and my mental experiences. they've really been going on underneath, all this time, for years, while i've been talking to people in the normal way, behaving like a normal person, acting like nothing was wrong. in a way, nothing is different now that i'm blogging openly about it. it was there for years, i just wasn't telling anybody. it happens every single day; there are no days without SOME kind of unwanted mental experience, some experience of being controlled, or having fake emotions, or acting out some other persona, or having my own thoughts blocked out by someone else's words, or not being able to do something i want to do, or being encouraged/forced to do things that i would rather not do. it was there for a long time and i just wasn't saying anything.
in some ways i feel proud or courageous for blogging openly about it now; but it could be seen as self-destructive if it's being read by potential employers who then decide not to hire me. i could say 'screw you for discriminating against me, your loss,' but that's a luxury for me because my parents are helping me pay the rent right now. if my parents weren't helping me, i wouldn't have the luxury of taking risks. i would have a life-or-death need to get and keep a job as soon as possible, or get evicted. if i had kids, it would be even more important.
i'd probably end up on welfare and get food stamps and other government help. not only do i oppose those things on principle, but also, they're not as helpful as you might want them to be. i know someone who is, right now, struggling to get social security, medicare, and health insurance to do what they promised they would do, and pay what they're supposed to pay, and it's a constant battle against stupidity and bureaucracy and people who want you to be an obedient, ass-kissing little slave in order to beg for your handouts. the government does not hand out money in a user-friendly way. you have to wait months and months for meaningless paperwork to be processed, only to find out that somebody somewhere needs to see some other piece of stupid paperwork that they should have told you about in the beginning. and you need to have the right 'attitude' about your handouts in order to get the bureaucrats to work with you. if you strongly insist that you are a human being instead of an obedient ass-kisser, then they say 'nope, sorry, you have to jump through these hoops first before we give you the money.'
so if anyone says to me 'it's okay for YOU to oppose government handouts, because YOU aren't trying to work full time and feed your kids without a husband, and your parents are helping you pay the rent,' then i would agree with that argument. i don't like getting help from my parents. it makes me feel less self-reliant and it makes me feel much weaker. my self-respect is a lot lower when i'm depending on my parents.
i just thought of something horrible that 'they' were doing, though, and it's disgusting and it makes me angry to think of it. whenever i used to pay my bills and get my finances straightened out, 'they' would give me artificial 'rewards' and artificial positive feelings. they did it whenever i would do my 'chores,' like cleaning up the house or doing dishes. when you get a 'reward' from a criminal assailant inflicting physical feelings and sensations by force with an electronic device, it does the opposite of rewarding you: it makes you feel hatred and loathing, and you will do whatever you can to AVOID being 'rewarded,' so you dread doing dishes and fixing your finances because you dread being 'rewarded.' basically, it's like being molested or raped as a 'reward' for doing something that's good for you, something that already provides natural positive consequences that you wanted. it's redundant and counterproductive to 'reward' people for doing things that already have natural positive consequences.
in the real world, there are no 'rewards.' there are only consequences. i liked something they said on the nonviolent communication website. they said that control and domination systems require 'the crucial concept of "deserve."' it's the idea that somebody 'deserves' something, a reward or a punishment.
'deserve' is not the same concept as 'contractually entitled to.' when people make a contract and they agree to do something, it isn't because the person 'deserves' to get what's written on the contract. that's different.
'deserve' is more like 'good/bad little boy/girl.' it's condescending, it treats people like children - except NOT EVEN CHILDREN should be treated that way! i've decided you should just assume children are almost as intelligent/mature as adults, except they're trapped in a really small body. that's not entirely true, and yeah, there are a lot of things where children should be treated as children. what i mean is: give children the same RESPECT that you give adults. if you wouldn't say something to an adult, then don't say it to a child either. it's true that children won't understand a lot of things that adults understand; it's true that they don't have the judgment or the knowledge and wisdom and experience. it's true that they need to be protected and nurtured. this is a complicated topic and i'm concerned that people will get confused if i don't explain it well enough, when all i wanted to do was briefly mention the idea.
anyway, about 'rewards.' i vaguely remember some psychological study that was done. it involved gorillas, i think.
apes are just, for all practical purposes, another ethnic group of human beings. they're just an excessively hairy ethnic group, with strangely shaped hands and feet, and slightly different bodies, and they speak a language that most of us don't understand, although i'm sure that the scientists who study them are able to understand what they're saying. their ethnic group might not be able to mate with humans and produce fertile offspring, so they might be called a different species, but that's taboo, and the only people i ever read about who researched whether or not it could be done were the nazis. supposedly some nazis, or russians, or somebody did some experiments to find out whether apes could mate with humans. i never found out what the results were. apparently, the local people who live next to the jungles where the apes live don't care whether or not it's possible to do this, probably because they're too busy trying to survive their war/starvation/economic collapse/AIDS epidemic.
anyway, just as i assume that 'children are almost like adults, except they're trapped in really small bodies,' i also assume 'apes are human, except they look a little different and we don't understand their language.' (*note, whenever i say that children are like adults, keep in mind that i myself was molested by a pedophile when i was about 11 years old, and i actually don't remember all the details of what happened. i only remember a few things. he was a friend of our family who didn't visit very often. so, i believe children need to be protected against unwanted sexual contact. children's sexuality is a difficult topic, because children do have sexual feelings, desires, and fantasies, but that doesn't mean that forty-year-old pedophiles can just go up to you and do whatever they feel like doing. when i was a little kid, i only thought about kissing, and snuggling, and touching, and i didn't think about sexual intercourse.*)
well, anyway, the gorilla study wasn't one of those horrible, evil studies like the ones where they kept the baby monkeys in cages without a mother, then said 'gee, i wonder if being kept alone in a cage without a mother and without any contact whatsover will screw you up psychologically? wow! it does! i never expected that!' and they got government funding to do that research. that's the one where they had a set of cages with a soft, furry, stuffed 'mother' that the baby monkeys would cling to, and they found out that the baby monkeys liked that even more than the they liked the 'food dispenser' mother that wasn't soft and touchable. all the monkeys were permanently damaged, of course, but who cares about that, right? i hate reading about those things. and i've read about even WORSE studies that were done, but don't even get me started. government money is the reason they are able to do that. anyway, the study i'm thinking about WASN'T as evil as that one.
this study had some gorillas painting pictures. yes, gorillas are able to hold a paintbrush and make paintings. well, from what i recall, the gorillas were happily painting pictures just for the fun of it. they said that the pictures were pretty interesting, probably like children's drawings. i didn't see the actual pictures. anyway, supposedly, as soon as the researchers started giving the gorillas a 'reward' for drawing the pictures, their motivations changed. the pictures were no longer sincere expressions of communication, but instead became just fake attempts to do whatever people wanted in order to get a reward. and the apes were much less motivated to even do any paintings at all. instead of encouraging them to do more and better paintings, the 'rewards' somehow discouraged them. i wish i could remember the name and details of the study. the overall idea was that rewarding the apes discouraged them and ruined the quality of the artwork. it had unnatural effects on their self-expression, and it distorted their behavior, and ruined whatever artistic, aesthetic, expressive value that the paintings originally had.
that kind of fits with my own experiences. praise can be just as hard to endure as criticism. sometimes i just write for an invisible audience. and something happened with the hackers one time where... i don't think anybody will believe me. i haven't told this story before in my blog. well, back in the days before i learned about mind control, back when my problems were focused on hackers, i used to get a daily horoscope on my yahoo web page.
well, something started happening on my yahoo page. i started getting news articles that were unusually 'relevant' to things happening in my day-to-day life. the references were very specific. i also got spam letters referring to very specific things happening in my life. for instance, i went to visit my parents in west virginia, right when the psychotronic attacks were just beginning, and they were very severe, and i didn't know how i would survive. on the first two nights in west virginia, i slept peacefully through the night, and i realized, 'hey! i haven't been sleeping well for MONTHS, and i didn't notice how bad it was!' and then, on the third night, a vehicle drove by our house, and somebody was screaming out the window of the vehicle, screaming over and over again. i was standing out on the road chatting with the neighbor when it happened. she said, 'is that somebody SCREAMING?' this was so unusual for our small, private, isolated, dead-end road that we could not even imagine such a thing would happen. the vehicle drove by, and my neighbor and i just dumbly stood there in shock and confusion, while the screaming continued. the vehicle slowly drove all the way to the circle at the end of the road - still screaming over and over - turned around, drove back out - still screaming - and this lasted for several minutes, and the screaming never stopped.
can you imagine that a whole neighborhood would just ignore that? we did. we ignored it. and the neighbor and i just stood there. i sometimes fantasize that i should have gotten into my car, and driven out there, and deliberately crashed head-on or sideways or pushed the other vehicle into the ditch. my car might have been too lightweight to do that, because it was dark and i couldn't see whether it was an ordinary car, a van, a truck, or what. we could only see the headlights going by. however, i didn't have a gun or any other weapon to confront the driver if i did push them into a ditch. i didn't know if it was a driver or a passenger who was screaming. can you imagine that a whole neighborhood just ignored a car going by, with someone screaming for several minutes, and nobody did anything at all? this really happened, in 2003. the neighbor and i just stood there and listened to the sound of the screaming. i forget how we ended the conversation. we were standing just out in front of my house, and i must have gone inside and she went home to her house. we were both freaked out and we just didn't do anything but go inside.
that night, after the screaming vehicle, the zapping began. i was zapped awake all night long. the previous two nights were peaceful. the third night was hell. i was unable to sleep for more than a couple seconds, before somebody zapped me and i woke up again. and the next morning, i had to drive back home to pennsylvania, about a seven or eight hour drive, i forget how long it takes. it's a whole day of driving. i took a couple caffeine pills in order to help myself drive home. when i got back to pennsylvania, i was zapped awake for about three days straight.
well, something happened and i think it was that third evening, but i'm not sure. there were these raccoons that climbed up onto my parents' porch to eat the birdseed. it's a really high porch and i was amazed that they could climb up there. they used their claws and climbed up sheer, square, wooden posts, then somehow went around and up over the railing. my parents called me down to their bedroom so that i could see the raccoons. they had done it occasionally before.
when i got home to pennsylvania, a relative sent along a chain/spam letter that she had received from somebody else, that day, as a random coincidence. nobody had talked about the raccoons. the person who supposedly sent her the chain letter was a stranger who would not have spoken to me or my parents. we hadn't even said anything to the relative who passed along that chain letter to me. it was a big email joke about raccoons, with pictures of raccoons and jokes about raccoons. i'm not sure but i think it might have even mentioned birdseed - i forget. the message implied was 'i'm watching you wherever you go.' it was harassment and it was intended to cause psychological distress, to create a state of 'learned helplessness,' to implant the belief 'you cannot escape,' to trigger anger and rage, and to make me believe 'this is a conspiracy and everybody's in on it.'
i had to create the 'puppet theory' to counteract the 'everybody's in on it' interpretation. if you believe everyone's in on it, then everybody is your enemy and nobody can be trusted. and that leads to my worst fear, somebody going out and shooting into a crowd of strangers because they think that people aren't real and everybody around you represents the attackers, while you're the only real human left. that can only happen if you use enough psychiatric drugs to numb yourself, and i'm not doing that. but still, it was necessary to protect myself against those interpretations. instead, i say 'if anybody mentions some private details that they could not possibly have known about, chances are they're a puppet, and they don't understand what they're saying and doing.' the idea is that people are mostly 'puppets' instead of attackers who consciously know that they're harassing you.
wow... this is getting to be another book-length blog.
okay, so here is what went on with the horoscopes. i was getting spam like the raccoon spam, all the time, and it was so specific and so relevant that it could not be coincidence. there were photographs of OTHER people, not myself, people who superficially looked a lot like me, standing in exactly the same position i had been standing in, wearing the same types of clothing, doing the same thing, that i had been doing that day in my house or at a friend's house or at work. except they were cartoonized in a way that made fun of me and made me look ridiculous. it was insulting, degrading, and harassing and it was intended to make me angry and to make me feel violated. i also started getting yahoo horoscopes that were very specific and very relevant to things that had been happening, in such a way that it wasn't coincidence.
when i tried to explain this to people, they said 'but who cares enough to spy on YOU all day long? you're not an important political figure.' normal people mistakenly believe that the only people who get spied on and stalked are celebrities and political figures. that is not true. instead, ordinary, mundane, innocent civilians - random people - get spied on and harassed by mentally ill criminals who have nothing better to do, and by organized crime gangs, and... i will use this word, 'sociopaths,' people who are basically evil and have no remorse about using people as pawns, ruining their lives, and torturing and murdering them. ordinary people get spied on by government employees who take advantage of their access to private records, private information, and military systems and equipment, when the government is supposedly trustworthy and responsible enough to resist the urge to use that information, because supposedly, government employees are less easily tempted than the rest of the population, since they're supposedly a different and better type of human than the rest of us.
you can't ask the question 'why?' WHY would somebody take the time and trouble to craft and produce these fake pictures, using somebody else's image, of a person in the same position you were in, when that would take hours of effort, and would require image recognition software to sort through thousands of images to find somebody in exactly the same positions? i can only answer this: either it's because that person is mentally ill, or because a sociopath paid them to spend that time and effort doing that, in order to cause psychological distress to the victim. saying some criminal is a sociopath is the same as calling that person mentally ill. you can't easily explain the motives of somebody who is mentally ill. those criminals don't understand what they've lost, by attacking people, ruining lives, and making the world a more miserable place to live in. they don't understand what it's like to have normal, loving friendships and loving families and close relationships, where people trust each other and express feelings in a straightforward way.
well, the relevant horoscopes and the hackers crossed the line whenever they commented about a song that i was in the process of writing on my computer, using Reason. i had it on my pc. they sent me horoscopes telling me that i was working on some kind of artwork and that it was going well and that it looked good so far, and they complimented me that it was good. i forget the exact details of what they said, but they made it clear that they were referring to my song. this was the worst possible thing they could do. immediately i hated the song and no longer wanted to work on it, in a place where it would be seen and violated by somebody i loathed, a hated attacker causing misery and suffering and ruining my life. my creations were to be private, only shown to people who shared the same 'sense of life,' as ayn rand called it. a person who respects the life of others. people who violate and ruin lives are not permitted to see my creations in progress, and comment about how well it's going, and recommend what they think should be done with it, and say what they like about it.
so i bought a laptop, and it was intended never to touch the internet. i moved my song writing over there. however, for the past few years, i've been too preoccupied with disasters to spend any time writing songs. my soul is in my music. it is my chosen medium of emotional, spiritual self-expression. it is what i wanted all my life, since childhood. i decided that songwriting was even more important to me than drawing.
but when i started using the laptop, the criminals began doing things to the laptop in order to demonstrate that they could see and affect computers that aren't connected to the internet. i opened up my laptop to look inside it and find out whether it had an antenna that was receiving a wireless internet signal somehow, but i am pretty sure it doesn't have anything like that, and i deliberately bought one that DID NOT have the wireless internet card in it. i just thought maybe there was another antenna inside it someplace, but i couldn't find it.
i would be playing american mcghee's alice on the laptop. there was something strange happening to the weapon she was holding in her hand. if she threw her knife in a dark location, i could see the knife reappearing in her hand because it was surrounded by a glowing light. so i would know when i was able to throw again. that was how it was supposed to function. they started screwing that up, making it so it would no longer glow. i couldn't see when alice's knife reappeared in her hand. i started grumbling and complaining about it, and whenever i complained or got angry out loud, they would immediately make it start glowing again as a 'reward' for my complaining out loud and getting angry. they want to force people to 'break down' and express anger and rage, for their own entertainment, and then 'reward' them for expressing rage. this is something they did to me again and again. they would zap me and harass me in some way until i 'broke' and expressed my rage out loud in some visible way, and then they would 'reward' me by stopping the attacks or fixing the problem. they do that to me while i'm trying to sleep, for instance. they were making my legs kick and twitch while i was trying to sleep, and i knew it was them. i just sat there silently for as long as i could, but i was angry inside. finally i shouted something and i punched the wall with my fist. i try not to shout or bang anything inside the house, because it could upset the neighbors. so the neighbors must have heard me shout 'STOP IT!' and punch the wall in the middle of the night. as soon as i did that, they stopped making my legs twitch. this is the same as what the interrogators do to the guantanamo prisoners: interrogate them until they 'break down' and 'confess' to whatever it is that the interrogators want them to say, and then stop torturing them.
to them, it's all a hilarious joke. when you tell people about the specific things they do, it IS funny, because it would never occur to a healthy, normal, decent person to do those things. it's hard to believe it. when you tell the specific details of what exactly they do to you, it IS funny, and it's specific and unexpected and unimaginable to any decent human being. only a mentally ill person would do that to somebody. i have another example that i read on eleanor white's website. she said that one victim complained that every time she urinated, somebody in the next apartment would start a faucet running, and it would stop running at the exact second that she stopped urinating. do you believe it? i do. i believe that she experienced that, and that she interpreted it correctly as harassment/puppeteering, that it WASN'T a coincidence or a misinterpretation, and that it really happened. (*Note: the particular neighbor who was doing that MIGHT NOT HAVE KNOWN that they were doing it! you CANNOT go confront that neighbor and accuse them of doing this, when they themselves might be a puppet, forced to do something they don't understand.*) that is exactly the type of thing they do to me, and it's designed and intended to be so pathetic that no sane person would even believe somebody would do that to you.
so of course, the whole point was 'you cannot escape to write songs on your laptop. we are watching you.' i wrote songs on my laptop - i never finished any songs, and i don't have any fully completed, polished songs - i only have a lot of small partial things. they didn't directly interfere with the songs themselves. instead, they started interfering with MY BRAIN whenever i would try to write songs. i would be writing a song, and suddenly i would hear the next note playing in my head, before i had written it. 'they' would 'recommend' what note should come next. so i would try to deliberately AVOID using that note, even though it might have been the one i wanted.
i must mention here that i use a book by william russo and jeffrey ainis - i think it's called 'composing music' - i'd have to go find it - and it's a workbook with exercises. i love that book. it is indispensible (*indispensable?*). i've never heard any of william russo's music, and to be honest, i don't think i would like it, but i love his teaching style and his knowledge. some of the good teaching style might have come from his co-author jeffrey ainis, i don't know. anyway, there are very helpful rules and procedures and methods for writing songs. because of that book, i don't get 'writer's block' if i'm trying to make a melody. i have artificial rules that can be used to invent new ideas whenever i get stuck.
the only writer's block that i have is caused by the fact that i can't spend any time on music because i am dealing with disasters, and chemical-induced chronic fatigue that makes me wake up as late as possible in order to drag myself to work every day. and when they zap me while i'm trying to think, that also ruins songwriting. but it ISN'T a 'naturally occurring' writer's block. if it were a naturally occurring writer's block, i would be able to get past it using that book's rules and procedures to artificially write a structured song. and, believe it or not, the songs actually sound LESS predictable, LESS 'canned,' LESS generic, because you can use the rules to make the melodies less predictable and familiar than the melodies your brain might automatically write on its own. when i would hum a melody automatically, i didn't control it, and it would often come out sounding predictable. but if i used the songwriting rules i was able to change those predictable melodies, make something artificial and unexpected.
when i would write music, they would mess with my keyboard and make a note start sticking, and then start zapping me to say 'i'm here and i'm watching you.' after that would start happening, it would become hard to focus on writing the song, and they would start giving me forced urges to get up and do something else instead of songwriting.
after i walked away from the computer, they would force the sound of the song to replay itself over and over and over, endlessly, in my brain, all day and all night long. they would wake me up with the sound of that song i was writing, playing in my head. this wasn't just some natural subconscious processing. this was a physical attack, done the same way the 'voices' are done. i got so sick of hearing my own song replaying itself that i could not think about it and i hated my own song.
they gave me nightmares when i was songwriting, severely abusive and sickening nightmares, with disgusting images of bodily fluids and feces, playing to the sound of disgusting and pathetic songs that they had written, which were a joke and were supposed to be funny, but they weren't funny at all, and i hated them. they wrote a song about defecating, and i don't remember all the beginning of the song, only the end of it, where they sang 'and it went to the water, swirl swirl swirl.'
i don't like to brag, but i am angry enough here that i have to brag. they did those things because they were jealous of my musical talent, and because they themselves do not have any genuine musical talent and cannot write songs the way i write, and because they do not have my spirit and cannot express that spirit in songs the way i am trying to do. the couple of songs that i wrote, that came out the way i wanted them to, were very beautiful to me and i loved them. i did not want mentally ill criminals to 'praise' me for those songs, nor did i want them to 'punish' me by giving me dreams about fecal material played to music.
in the 'they don't know what they've lost' category: they have lost my music that would have been written and put on soundclick and on the propellerheads website, if my life had not been such a disaster and if i hadn't been diverted away from songwriting. .... okay, i know, i've been writing this all morning long and i hardly had any breakfast at all, and that leads to an angry monologue.
(*note, after i started writing, it wandered into sexual topics. but they're mostly from a sort of detached and impersonal point of view. anyway i think that happened partly because i didn't have much food in the house and haven't had much for breakfast. for some reason, if i get up in the morning, drink coffee, and don't eat enough, i end up writing obsessively for hours and it ends up being about sexual topics. writing for too long usually happens if i'm hungry.*)
(*okay, not only did it go into sexual topics, it also went into a very angry monologue about 'this is what the criminals did to me, i hate them.' it's all true, but at the same time, it really went on longer and longer, and the solution is that i have to go get something to eat, instead of typing at my computer.*)
***********
i love the opera browser. one thing i love the most about it are the notes. you can highlight text on web pages, hit 'copy to note,' and it saves it in your notes along with a record of what web page it came from, and the date. you can also just type a note from scratch, and you can make folders and sort them. it's easy to look at and easy to use, and i enjoy using it. it's not just a text editor.
they screwed up the notes' behavior in the latest version of opera. they fixed one bug, and created another bug. they fixed it so that if you have your pointer/locator/highlighter/whatever on a particular folder, then all the notes you copy will automatically be put in that folder - originally, it was just putting newly copied notes onto the bottom of the list.
however, they screwed up the ordering behavior. the notes always used to just stay in the order you put them in, but now for some reason it alphabetizes them. this causes a major slowdown, because it alphabetizes it while you're typing. in order to stop it from alphabetizing, you have to download a user-made button that says 'sort by my order.' and even if you use this, the notes still re-sort themselves alphabetically every time you open opera. and i still have problems with the words appearing too slowly as i type, although that could be caused by my computer's overall hacked-ness instead of by opera itself. (i'm cleaning up my computer to eventually remove some of the spyware. the spyware will probably reappear immediately, but it won't be as awful as it is right now. and i will still be better off than i was, because things will be organized and backed up onto disks.)
anyway, i have installers for a couple old versions of opera. i reinstalled an old one, and the notes behave better. if i ever built my own web browser, i would copycat the opera notes feature, and it would be one of the most important things that i would advertise about the browser.
if i built my own web browser, i'd design it so that it would never, ever, ever display any Flash, under any circumstances, nor would it offer to download the latest versions of Flash, etc, etc, etc. (and maybe it would automatically send an angry email to the webmasters of those sites telling them to redesign their pages without Flash. ;) if you had to see something in Flash, you would either be 1. screwed, or 2. have a totally separate browser designed to do nothing but look at Flash pages and images. i wouldn't mind having a separate little device that does nothing but display Flash, while inhibiting Flash on the ordinary pages that i want to look at quickly and easily. i only know of one web page where i would really lose anything by refusing to display Flash, and that's Soundclick.com, where you can only listen to the music by using their little Flash player.
Flash is always a problem for me because i've formatted my hard drive and reinstalled my operating system several times in the past, and every time i start over, i get all these messages telling me to update to the latest version of Flash, and i'm on windows 98, so i can't go beyond a certain version, and i'm pretty sure that some of those 'update your Flash' messages might be spyware installers. or at least, they theoretically could be. i don't remember if i actually read someplace that they are? anyway, just about anything on a web page that gives you a message or dialog box that pops up is able to be a spyware installation. if you click on any buttons at all, no matter what the text beneath them says - and this is the slightly humorous thing about spyware - the button might say 'Cancel,' or 'Exit,' or 'No! Do not install this! Leave me alone! I never want to see this dialog box again!' and you click that button, and it actually installs the spyware. and i can't advise you what to do when that happens. sometimes i hit ctrl-alt-delete and shut down the whole browser, if i'm feeling paranoid, if i'm in a bad mood, and if i'm paying attention to what's going on. however, you can't control very much with ctrl-alt-delete in windows 98.
(*i read about that stuff because, years ago, i thought my problems involved 'only hackers' instead of psychotronics. hackers became a much lower priority problem after i found out that mind reading is real.*)
i've heard of a program called 'No Flash,' and i looked it up. it seems to only work with internet explorer.
anyway, i hope i haven't offended any Flash-lovers out there.
*******
i might temporarily make my web pages anonymous. i'm not sure yet. i've had some vague suggestions that potential employers are looking me up on the internet and saying 'whoa! this lady is nuts. i'm glad i found out about her craziness before i hired her!'
originally, i didn't intend to blog openly about mind control and my mental experiences. they've really been going on underneath, all this time, for years, while i've been talking to people in the normal way, behaving like a normal person, acting like nothing was wrong. in a way, nothing is different now that i'm blogging openly about it. it was there for years, i just wasn't telling anybody. it happens every single day; there are no days without SOME kind of unwanted mental experience, some experience of being controlled, or having fake emotions, or acting out some other persona, or having my own thoughts blocked out by someone else's words, or not being able to do something i want to do, or being encouraged/forced to do things that i would rather not do. it was there for a long time and i just wasn't saying anything.
in some ways i feel proud or courageous for blogging openly about it now; but it could be seen as self-destructive if it's being read by potential employers who then decide not to hire me. i could say 'screw you for discriminating against me, your loss,' but that's a luxury for me because my parents are helping me pay the rent right now. if my parents weren't helping me, i wouldn't have the luxury of taking risks. i would have a life-or-death need to get and keep a job as soon as possible, or get evicted. if i had kids, it would be even more important.
i'd probably end up on welfare and get food stamps and other government help. not only do i oppose those things on principle, but also, they're not as helpful as you might want them to be. i know someone who is, right now, struggling to get social security, medicare, and health insurance to do what they promised they would do, and pay what they're supposed to pay, and it's a constant battle against stupidity and bureaucracy and people who want you to be an obedient, ass-kissing little slave in order to beg for your handouts. the government does not hand out money in a user-friendly way. you have to wait months and months for meaningless paperwork to be processed, only to find out that somebody somewhere needs to see some other piece of stupid paperwork that they should have told you about in the beginning. and you need to have the right 'attitude' about your handouts in order to get the bureaucrats to work with you. if you strongly insist that you are a human being instead of an obedient ass-kisser, then they say 'nope, sorry, you have to jump through these hoops first before we give you the money.'
so if anyone says to me 'it's okay for YOU to oppose government handouts, because YOU aren't trying to work full time and feed your kids without a husband, and your parents are helping you pay the rent,' then i would agree with that argument. i don't like getting help from my parents. it makes me feel less self-reliant and it makes me feel much weaker. my self-respect is a lot lower when i'm depending on my parents.
i just thought of something horrible that 'they' were doing, though, and it's disgusting and it makes me angry to think of it. whenever i used to pay my bills and get my finances straightened out, 'they' would give me artificial 'rewards' and artificial positive feelings. they did it whenever i would do my 'chores,' like cleaning up the house or doing dishes. when you get a 'reward' from a criminal assailant inflicting physical feelings and sensations by force with an electronic device, it does the opposite of rewarding you: it makes you feel hatred and loathing, and you will do whatever you can to AVOID being 'rewarded,' so you dread doing dishes and fixing your finances because you dread being 'rewarded.' basically, it's like being molested or raped as a 'reward' for doing something that's good for you, something that already provides natural positive consequences that you wanted. it's redundant and counterproductive to 'reward' people for doing things that already have natural positive consequences.
in the real world, there are no 'rewards.' there are only consequences. i liked something they said on the nonviolent communication website. they said that control and domination systems require 'the crucial concept of "deserve."' it's the idea that somebody 'deserves' something, a reward or a punishment.
'deserve' is not the same concept as 'contractually entitled to.' when people make a contract and they agree to do something, it isn't because the person 'deserves' to get what's written on the contract. that's different.
'deserve' is more like 'good/bad little boy/girl.' it's condescending, it treats people like children - except NOT EVEN CHILDREN should be treated that way! i've decided you should just assume children are almost as intelligent/mature as adults, except they're trapped in a really small body. that's not entirely true, and yeah, there are a lot of things where children should be treated as children. what i mean is: give children the same RESPECT that you give adults. if you wouldn't say something to an adult, then don't say it to a child either. it's true that children won't understand a lot of things that adults understand; it's true that they don't have the judgment or the knowledge and wisdom and experience. it's true that they need to be protected and nurtured. this is a complicated topic and i'm concerned that people will get confused if i don't explain it well enough, when all i wanted to do was briefly mention the idea.
anyway, about 'rewards.' i vaguely remember some psychological study that was done. it involved gorillas, i think.
apes are just, for all practical purposes, another ethnic group of human beings. they're just an excessively hairy ethnic group, with strangely shaped hands and feet, and slightly different bodies, and they speak a language that most of us don't understand, although i'm sure that the scientists who study them are able to understand what they're saying. their ethnic group might not be able to mate with humans and produce fertile offspring, so they might be called a different species, but that's taboo, and the only people i ever read about who researched whether or not it could be done were the nazis. supposedly some nazis, or russians, or somebody did some experiments to find out whether apes could mate with humans. i never found out what the results were. apparently, the local people who live next to the jungles where the apes live don't care whether or not it's possible to do this, probably because they're too busy trying to survive their war/starvation/economic collapse/AIDS epidemic.
anyway, just as i assume that 'children are almost like adults, except they're trapped in really small bodies,' i also assume 'apes are human, except they look a little different and we don't understand their language.' (*note, whenever i say that children are like adults, keep in mind that i myself was molested by a pedophile when i was about 11 years old, and i actually don't remember all the details of what happened. i only remember a few things. he was a friend of our family who didn't visit very often. so, i believe children need to be protected against unwanted sexual contact. children's sexuality is a difficult topic, because children do have sexual feelings, desires, and fantasies, but that doesn't mean that forty-year-old pedophiles can just go up to you and do whatever they feel like doing. when i was a little kid, i only thought about kissing, and snuggling, and touching, and i didn't think about sexual intercourse.*)
well, anyway, the gorilla study wasn't one of those horrible, evil studies like the ones where they kept the baby monkeys in cages without a mother, then said 'gee, i wonder if being kept alone in a cage without a mother and without any contact whatsover will screw you up psychologically? wow! it does! i never expected that!' and they got government funding to do that research. that's the one where they had a set of cages with a soft, furry, stuffed 'mother' that the baby monkeys would cling to, and they found out that the baby monkeys liked that even more than the they liked the 'food dispenser' mother that wasn't soft and touchable. all the monkeys were permanently damaged, of course, but who cares about that, right? i hate reading about those things. and i've read about even WORSE studies that were done, but don't even get me started. government money is the reason they are able to do that. anyway, the study i'm thinking about WASN'T as evil as that one.
this study had some gorillas painting pictures. yes, gorillas are able to hold a paintbrush and make paintings. well, from what i recall, the gorillas were happily painting pictures just for the fun of it. they said that the pictures were pretty interesting, probably like children's drawings. i didn't see the actual pictures. anyway, supposedly, as soon as the researchers started giving the gorillas a 'reward' for drawing the pictures, their motivations changed. the pictures were no longer sincere expressions of communication, but instead became just fake attempts to do whatever people wanted in order to get a reward. and the apes were much less motivated to even do any paintings at all. instead of encouraging them to do more and better paintings, the 'rewards' somehow discouraged them. i wish i could remember the name and details of the study. the overall idea was that rewarding the apes discouraged them and ruined the quality of the artwork. it had unnatural effects on their self-expression, and it distorted their behavior, and ruined whatever artistic, aesthetic, expressive value that the paintings originally had.
that kind of fits with my own experiences. praise can be just as hard to endure as criticism. sometimes i just write for an invisible audience. and something happened with the hackers one time where... i don't think anybody will believe me. i haven't told this story before in my blog. well, back in the days before i learned about mind control, back when my problems were focused on hackers, i used to get a daily horoscope on my yahoo web page.
well, something started happening on my yahoo page. i started getting news articles that were unusually 'relevant' to things happening in my day-to-day life. the references were very specific. i also got spam letters referring to very specific things happening in my life. for instance, i went to visit my parents in west virginia, right when the psychotronic attacks were just beginning, and they were very severe, and i didn't know how i would survive. on the first two nights in west virginia, i slept peacefully through the night, and i realized, 'hey! i haven't been sleeping well for MONTHS, and i didn't notice how bad it was!' and then, on the third night, a vehicle drove by our house, and somebody was screaming out the window of the vehicle, screaming over and over again. i was standing out on the road chatting with the neighbor when it happened. she said, 'is that somebody SCREAMING?' this was so unusual for our small, private, isolated, dead-end road that we could not even imagine such a thing would happen. the vehicle drove by, and my neighbor and i just dumbly stood there in shock and confusion, while the screaming continued. the vehicle slowly drove all the way to the circle at the end of the road - still screaming over and over - turned around, drove back out - still screaming - and this lasted for several minutes, and the screaming never stopped.
can you imagine that a whole neighborhood would just ignore that? we did. we ignored it. and the neighbor and i just stood there. i sometimes fantasize that i should have gotten into my car, and driven out there, and deliberately crashed head-on or sideways or pushed the other vehicle into the ditch. my car might have been too lightweight to do that, because it was dark and i couldn't see whether it was an ordinary car, a van, a truck, or what. we could only see the headlights going by. however, i didn't have a gun or any other weapon to confront the driver if i did push them into a ditch. i didn't know if it was a driver or a passenger who was screaming. can you imagine that a whole neighborhood just ignored a car going by, with someone screaming for several minutes, and nobody did anything at all? this really happened, in 2003. the neighbor and i just stood there and listened to the sound of the screaming. i forget how we ended the conversation. we were standing just out in front of my house, and i must have gone inside and she went home to her house. we were both freaked out and we just didn't do anything but go inside.
that night, after the screaming vehicle, the zapping began. i was zapped awake all night long. the previous two nights were peaceful. the third night was hell. i was unable to sleep for more than a couple seconds, before somebody zapped me and i woke up again. and the next morning, i had to drive back home to pennsylvania, about a seven or eight hour drive, i forget how long it takes. it's a whole day of driving. i took a couple caffeine pills in order to help myself drive home. when i got back to pennsylvania, i was zapped awake for about three days straight.
well, something happened and i think it was that third evening, but i'm not sure. there were these raccoons that climbed up onto my parents' porch to eat the birdseed. it's a really high porch and i was amazed that they could climb up there. they used their claws and climbed up sheer, square, wooden posts, then somehow went around and up over the railing. my parents called me down to their bedroom so that i could see the raccoons. they had done it occasionally before.
when i got home to pennsylvania, a relative sent along a chain/spam letter that she had received from somebody else, that day, as a random coincidence. nobody had talked about the raccoons. the person who supposedly sent her the chain letter was a stranger who would not have spoken to me or my parents. we hadn't even said anything to the relative who passed along that chain letter to me. it was a big email joke about raccoons, with pictures of raccoons and jokes about raccoons. i'm not sure but i think it might have even mentioned birdseed - i forget. the message implied was 'i'm watching you wherever you go.' it was harassment and it was intended to cause psychological distress, to create a state of 'learned helplessness,' to implant the belief 'you cannot escape,' to trigger anger and rage, and to make me believe 'this is a conspiracy and everybody's in on it.'
i had to create the 'puppet theory' to counteract the 'everybody's in on it' interpretation. if you believe everyone's in on it, then everybody is your enemy and nobody can be trusted. and that leads to my worst fear, somebody going out and shooting into a crowd of strangers because they think that people aren't real and everybody around you represents the attackers, while you're the only real human left. that can only happen if you use enough psychiatric drugs to numb yourself, and i'm not doing that. but still, it was necessary to protect myself against those interpretations. instead, i say 'if anybody mentions some private details that they could not possibly have known about, chances are they're a puppet, and they don't understand what they're saying and doing.' the idea is that people are mostly 'puppets' instead of attackers who consciously know that they're harassing you.
wow... this is getting to be another book-length blog.
okay, so here is what went on with the horoscopes. i was getting spam like the raccoon spam, all the time, and it was so specific and so relevant that it could not be coincidence. there were photographs of OTHER people, not myself, people who superficially looked a lot like me, standing in exactly the same position i had been standing in, wearing the same types of clothing, doing the same thing, that i had been doing that day in my house or at a friend's house or at work. except they were cartoonized in a way that made fun of me and made me look ridiculous. it was insulting, degrading, and harassing and it was intended to make me angry and to make me feel violated. i also started getting yahoo horoscopes that were very specific and very relevant to things that had been happening, in such a way that it wasn't coincidence.
when i tried to explain this to people, they said 'but who cares enough to spy on YOU all day long? you're not an important political figure.' normal people mistakenly believe that the only people who get spied on and stalked are celebrities and political figures. that is not true. instead, ordinary, mundane, innocent civilians - random people - get spied on and harassed by mentally ill criminals who have nothing better to do, and by organized crime gangs, and... i will use this word, 'sociopaths,' people who are basically evil and have no remorse about using people as pawns, ruining their lives, and torturing and murdering them. ordinary people get spied on by government employees who take advantage of their access to private records, private information, and military systems and equipment, when the government is supposedly trustworthy and responsible enough to resist the urge to use that information, because supposedly, government employees are less easily tempted than the rest of the population, since they're supposedly a different and better type of human than the rest of us.
you can't ask the question 'why?' WHY would somebody take the time and trouble to craft and produce these fake pictures, using somebody else's image, of a person in the same position you were in, when that would take hours of effort, and would require image recognition software to sort through thousands of images to find somebody in exactly the same positions? i can only answer this: either it's because that person is mentally ill, or because a sociopath paid them to spend that time and effort doing that, in order to cause psychological distress to the victim. saying some criminal is a sociopath is the same as calling that person mentally ill. you can't easily explain the motives of somebody who is mentally ill. those criminals don't understand what they've lost, by attacking people, ruining lives, and making the world a more miserable place to live in. they don't understand what it's like to have normal, loving friendships and loving families and close relationships, where people trust each other and express feelings in a straightforward way.
well, the relevant horoscopes and the hackers crossed the line whenever they commented about a song that i was in the process of writing on my computer, using Reason. i had it on my pc. they sent me horoscopes telling me that i was working on some kind of artwork and that it was going well and that it looked good so far, and they complimented me that it was good. i forget the exact details of what they said, but they made it clear that they were referring to my song. this was the worst possible thing they could do. immediately i hated the song and no longer wanted to work on it, in a place where it would be seen and violated by somebody i loathed, a hated attacker causing misery and suffering and ruining my life. my creations were to be private, only shown to people who shared the same 'sense of life,' as ayn rand called it. a person who respects the life of others. people who violate and ruin lives are not permitted to see my creations in progress, and comment about how well it's going, and recommend what they think should be done with it, and say what they like about it.
so i bought a laptop, and it was intended never to touch the internet. i moved my song writing over there. however, for the past few years, i've been too preoccupied with disasters to spend any time writing songs. my soul is in my music. it is my chosen medium of emotional, spiritual self-expression. it is what i wanted all my life, since childhood. i decided that songwriting was even more important to me than drawing.
but when i started using the laptop, the criminals began doing things to the laptop in order to demonstrate that they could see and affect computers that aren't connected to the internet. i opened up my laptop to look inside it and find out whether it had an antenna that was receiving a wireless internet signal somehow, but i am pretty sure it doesn't have anything like that, and i deliberately bought one that DID NOT have the wireless internet card in it. i just thought maybe there was another antenna inside it someplace, but i couldn't find it.
i would be playing american mcghee's alice on the laptop. there was something strange happening to the weapon she was holding in her hand. if she threw her knife in a dark location, i could see the knife reappearing in her hand because it was surrounded by a glowing light. so i would know when i was able to throw again. that was how it was supposed to function. they started screwing that up, making it so it would no longer glow. i couldn't see when alice's knife reappeared in her hand. i started grumbling and complaining about it, and whenever i complained or got angry out loud, they would immediately make it start glowing again as a 'reward' for my complaining out loud and getting angry. they want to force people to 'break down' and express anger and rage, for their own entertainment, and then 'reward' them for expressing rage. this is something they did to me again and again. they would zap me and harass me in some way until i 'broke' and expressed my rage out loud in some visible way, and then they would 'reward' me by stopping the attacks or fixing the problem. they do that to me while i'm trying to sleep, for instance. they were making my legs kick and twitch while i was trying to sleep, and i knew it was them. i just sat there silently for as long as i could, but i was angry inside. finally i shouted something and i punched the wall with my fist. i try not to shout or bang anything inside the house, because it could upset the neighbors. so the neighbors must have heard me shout 'STOP IT!' and punch the wall in the middle of the night. as soon as i did that, they stopped making my legs twitch. this is the same as what the interrogators do to the guantanamo prisoners: interrogate them until they 'break down' and 'confess' to whatever it is that the interrogators want them to say, and then stop torturing them.
to them, it's all a hilarious joke. when you tell people about the specific things they do, it IS funny, because it would never occur to a healthy, normal, decent person to do those things. it's hard to believe it. when you tell the specific details of what exactly they do to you, it IS funny, and it's specific and unexpected and unimaginable to any decent human being. only a mentally ill person would do that to somebody. i have another example that i read on eleanor white's website. she said that one victim complained that every time she urinated, somebody in the next apartment would start a faucet running, and it would stop running at the exact second that she stopped urinating. do you believe it? i do. i believe that she experienced that, and that she interpreted it correctly as harassment/puppeteering, that it WASN'T a coincidence or a misinterpretation, and that it really happened. (*Note: the particular neighbor who was doing that MIGHT NOT HAVE KNOWN that they were doing it! you CANNOT go confront that neighbor and accuse them of doing this, when they themselves might be a puppet, forced to do something they don't understand.*) that is exactly the type of thing they do to me, and it's designed and intended to be so pathetic that no sane person would even believe somebody would do that to you.
so of course, the whole point was 'you cannot escape to write songs on your laptop. we are watching you.' i wrote songs on my laptop - i never finished any songs, and i don't have any fully completed, polished songs - i only have a lot of small partial things. they didn't directly interfere with the songs themselves. instead, they started interfering with MY BRAIN whenever i would try to write songs. i would be writing a song, and suddenly i would hear the next note playing in my head, before i had written it. 'they' would 'recommend' what note should come next. so i would try to deliberately AVOID using that note, even though it might have been the one i wanted.
i must mention here that i use a book by william russo and jeffrey ainis - i think it's called 'composing music' - i'd have to go find it - and it's a workbook with exercises. i love that book. it is indispensible (*indispensable?*). i've never heard any of william russo's music, and to be honest, i don't think i would like it, but i love his teaching style and his knowledge. some of the good teaching style might have come from his co-author jeffrey ainis, i don't know. anyway, there are very helpful rules and procedures and methods for writing songs. because of that book, i don't get 'writer's block' if i'm trying to make a melody. i have artificial rules that can be used to invent new ideas whenever i get stuck.
the only writer's block that i have is caused by the fact that i can't spend any time on music because i am dealing with disasters, and chemical-induced chronic fatigue that makes me wake up as late as possible in order to drag myself to work every day. and when they zap me while i'm trying to think, that also ruins songwriting. but it ISN'T a 'naturally occurring' writer's block. if it were a naturally occurring writer's block, i would be able to get past it using that book's rules and procedures to artificially write a structured song. and, believe it or not, the songs actually sound LESS predictable, LESS 'canned,' LESS generic, because you can use the rules to make the melodies less predictable and familiar than the melodies your brain might automatically write on its own. when i would hum a melody automatically, i didn't control it, and it would often come out sounding predictable. but if i used the songwriting rules i was able to change those predictable melodies, make something artificial and unexpected.
when i would write music, they would mess with my keyboard and make a note start sticking, and then start zapping me to say 'i'm here and i'm watching you.' after that would start happening, it would become hard to focus on writing the song, and they would start giving me forced urges to get up and do something else instead of songwriting.
after i walked away from the computer, they would force the sound of the song to replay itself over and over and over, endlessly, in my brain, all day and all night long. they would wake me up with the sound of that song i was writing, playing in my head. this wasn't just some natural subconscious processing. this was a physical attack, done the same way the 'voices' are done. i got so sick of hearing my own song replaying itself that i could not think about it and i hated my own song.
they gave me nightmares when i was songwriting, severely abusive and sickening nightmares, with disgusting images of bodily fluids and feces, playing to the sound of disgusting and pathetic songs that they had written, which were a joke and were supposed to be funny, but they weren't funny at all, and i hated them. they wrote a song about defecating, and i don't remember all the beginning of the song, only the end of it, where they sang 'and it went to the water, swirl swirl swirl.'
i don't like to brag, but i am angry enough here that i have to brag. they did those things because they were jealous of my musical talent, and because they themselves do not have any genuine musical talent and cannot write songs the way i write, and because they do not have my spirit and cannot express that spirit in songs the way i am trying to do. the couple of songs that i wrote, that came out the way i wanted them to, were very beautiful to me and i loved them. i did not want mentally ill criminals to 'praise' me for those songs, nor did i want them to 'punish' me by giving me dreams about fecal material played to music.
in the 'they don't know what they've lost' category: they have lost my music that would have been written and put on soundclick and on the propellerheads website, if my life had not been such a disaster and if i hadn't been diverted away from songwriting. .... okay, i know, i've been writing this all morning long and i hardly had any breakfast at all, and that leads to an angry monologue.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
mind goes blank, puppets speak up
here is what i experience when i'm saying something as a puppet.
if i pause for even a fraction of a second to think of something to say... if i go blank... if i'm writing and i have to decide what the next word will be... if there is the slightest moment of uncertainty... when i can't remember a word and have to search for it... that's the moment when 'THEY' fill something in.
i stopped buying new movies a few years ago, so i've been watching the same small number of movies over and over again. i just watched 'the matrix' again and saw something that reminded me of this. there is one scene where a homeless guy sees morpheus disappearing into the telephone. the guy is shocked and amazed, and just simply FEELING that emotion of 'amazement' triggered some kind of alarm in the matrix. it was the 'something unusual has been sighted' message. it called the agents down to the place where they were using the phone.
well, it's like that with me. whenever i feel the emotion 'silence' or 'searching for something to say,' i have to tune in my brain to go looking for whatever i have to think of. anytime i silence my mind, during meditation for instance, i get zapped, i hear voices, and other stuff. it happens during a conversation or when writing. every moment of silence, doubt, considering, searching, is a moment when THEY fill things in.
that is the moment when i will say something that has an unintended, harmful, negative double meaning or symbolism that will be understood by the other person. it is usually a condescending, evil, insulting message, always negative. one of the most frequent messages is 'i'm watching everything you do.' whenever they try to force me to say 'good' things, those 'good' things are still fake in a lot of ways and are still harmful and unnatural - they are not myself.
afterwards, it's very hard to apologize or clarify what was said, because i don't always know that i said something with an unintended negative meaning. if i do know, i still don't like to apologize about it or try to explain it, because it happens so frequently, almost constantly, that i would start rejecting and discarding 90% of my speech if i could do that. no one knows what the real nicole binns would talk about if i were alone in a shielded room. but the shielded room is far beyond anything i can build right now and most of my conversations occur in normal locations where i have no choice about psychotronic countermeasures.
one example was a time when i said something hurtful to somebody at work. (it's not the same person i've been talking about the last couple days, it's a different person.) he said something nice to me, and i thanked him, and for a second i went blank and was searching for something to say. at that moment i suddenly said 'what is on your hat?' he had put a couple stickers on his hat just to goof around. the REAL ME didn't care, and i just thought it was amusing and wasn't even really paying attention to the hat. but the puppet voice had to make fun of the stickers. it was this sort of sneering tone of voice, a looking-down-at-you tone of voice. 'like, oh my god, you are such an idiot,' in that tone of voice. he had a hurt, embarrassed, foolish look. i do NOT want to make people feel that way. it was not me at all, and i felt horrible afterwards, but couldn't explain it to him. how do you tell somebody 'i'm sorry, there are these alternate personalities that put words in my mouth and they say insulting things to people?' i get angry if i have to apologize for something THEY did. it's not the same as apologizing for my OWN mistakes.
meanwhile, the other person remembers seeing ME, seeing my face, hearing my voice, when i said something hurtful. in their mind, it will always be associated with ME. their emotions will remember that, even if i could apologize and say 'it wasn't me.'
they aren't always hurtful, the things that the puppet says, but they are a substitute for whatever the real me would have said. it overrides something else that ought to have existed. even if an awkward silence would have existed. an awkward silence is acceptable. that's only one example of the 'imperfections' that they are always trying to 'fix' in my behaviors and conversations. they don't understand ANYTHING about self-acceptance.
i have to briefly define 'self-acceptance.' that is a phrase nathaniel branden uses. i read his books years ago. it means you accept who you are. you accept what is real. if you feel a particular feeling, that's you. if you think a particular thought, that's you. (assuming that nobody is putting artificial thoughts and feelings into your head.) it means you don't have to be perfect. it means you won't necessarily like everything you do, but at least you accept it as yourself. you had some reason why you did it, some reason at the time when it happened.
the do-gooders are the EXACT OPPOSITE of self-acceptance. to them, being who i am is always WRONG. it has to be fixed. i have to say the right things and think the right thoughts and feel the right feelings. otherwise... if i do something 'wrong,' then the entire universe will collapse and the entire human species will be wiped out for all eternity and this will be an inconceivable disaster. they don't know how to just tolerate realness, imperfection, naturalness, liberty, spontaneity, originality. they can't tolerate uncertainty: what happens if you DON'T KNOW in advance what the results will be? oh no! that would be horrible! we have to control everything so that there will be no uncertainty and no risk!
i just noticed i spent a very large amount of time griping about them, which is either because i have an upset stomach this morning, or because i'm going into withdrawal from having used my sjw yesterday. the gripe was just getting longer and longer and more hateful. it's all true, but there might be a reasonable limit on how much griping i should do in one short period of time.
oh, i forgot to mention. sometimes i get reminded that i don't give enough acknowledgment to my old friends from wv and that i keep saying 'i don't have any friends' and things like that. when i say that, i am only referring to (the lack of) people i hang out with here in state college.
i'm getting my own RSS feed from this blog. there have been so many posts in the last couple days that every time i update my feeds they are all from me. this is rather amusing.
if i pause for even a fraction of a second to think of something to say... if i go blank... if i'm writing and i have to decide what the next word will be... if there is the slightest moment of uncertainty... when i can't remember a word and have to search for it... that's the moment when 'THEY' fill something in.
i stopped buying new movies a few years ago, so i've been watching the same small number of movies over and over again. i just watched 'the matrix' again and saw something that reminded me of this. there is one scene where a homeless guy sees morpheus disappearing into the telephone. the guy is shocked and amazed, and just simply FEELING that emotion of 'amazement' triggered some kind of alarm in the matrix. it was the 'something unusual has been sighted' message. it called the agents down to the place where they were using the phone.
well, it's like that with me. whenever i feel the emotion 'silence' or 'searching for something to say,' i have to tune in my brain to go looking for whatever i have to think of. anytime i silence my mind, during meditation for instance, i get zapped, i hear voices, and other stuff. it happens during a conversation or when writing. every moment of silence, doubt, considering, searching, is a moment when THEY fill things in.
that is the moment when i will say something that has an unintended, harmful, negative double meaning or symbolism that will be understood by the other person. it is usually a condescending, evil, insulting message, always negative. one of the most frequent messages is 'i'm watching everything you do.' whenever they try to force me to say 'good' things, those 'good' things are still fake in a lot of ways and are still harmful and unnatural - they are not myself.
afterwards, it's very hard to apologize or clarify what was said, because i don't always know that i said something with an unintended negative meaning. if i do know, i still don't like to apologize about it or try to explain it, because it happens so frequently, almost constantly, that i would start rejecting and discarding 90% of my speech if i could do that. no one knows what the real nicole binns would talk about if i were alone in a shielded room. but the shielded room is far beyond anything i can build right now and most of my conversations occur in normal locations where i have no choice about psychotronic countermeasures.
one example was a time when i said something hurtful to somebody at work. (it's not the same person i've been talking about the last couple days, it's a different person.) he said something nice to me, and i thanked him, and for a second i went blank and was searching for something to say. at that moment i suddenly said 'what is on your hat?' he had put a couple stickers on his hat just to goof around. the REAL ME didn't care, and i just thought it was amusing and wasn't even really paying attention to the hat. but the puppet voice had to make fun of the stickers. it was this sort of sneering tone of voice, a looking-down-at-you tone of voice. 'like, oh my god, you are such an idiot,' in that tone of voice. he had a hurt, embarrassed, foolish look. i do NOT want to make people feel that way. it was not me at all, and i felt horrible afterwards, but couldn't explain it to him. how do you tell somebody 'i'm sorry, there are these alternate personalities that put words in my mouth and they say insulting things to people?' i get angry if i have to apologize for something THEY did. it's not the same as apologizing for my OWN mistakes.
meanwhile, the other person remembers seeing ME, seeing my face, hearing my voice, when i said something hurtful. in their mind, it will always be associated with ME. their emotions will remember that, even if i could apologize and say 'it wasn't me.'
they aren't always hurtful, the things that the puppet says, but they are a substitute for whatever the real me would have said. it overrides something else that ought to have existed. even if an awkward silence would have existed. an awkward silence is acceptable. that's only one example of the 'imperfections' that they are always trying to 'fix' in my behaviors and conversations. they don't understand ANYTHING about self-acceptance.
i have to briefly define 'self-acceptance.' that is a phrase nathaniel branden uses. i read his books years ago. it means you accept who you are. you accept what is real. if you feel a particular feeling, that's you. if you think a particular thought, that's you. (assuming that nobody is putting artificial thoughts and feelings into your head.) it means you don't have to be perfect. it means you won't necessarily like everything you do, but at least you accept it as yourself. you had some reason why you did it, some reason at the time when it happened.
the do-gooders are the EXACT OPPOSITE of self-acceptance. to them, being who i am is always WRONG. it has to be fixed. i have to say the right things and think the right thoughts and feel the right feelings. otherwise... if i do something 'wrong,' then the entire universe will collapse and the entire human species will be wiped out for all eternity and this will be an inconceivable disaster. they don't know how to just tolerate realness, imperfection, naturalness, liberty, spontaneity, originality. they can't tolerate uncertainty: what happens if you DON'T KNOW in advance what the results will be? oh no! that would be horrible! we have to control everything so that there will be no uncertainty and no risk!
i just noticed i spent a very large amount of time griping about them, which is either because i have an upset stomach this morning, or because i'm going into withdrawal from having used my sjw yesterday. the gripe was just getting longer and longer and more hateful. it's all true, but there might be a reasonable limit on how much griping i should do in one short period of time.
oh, i forgot to mention. sometimes i get reminded that i don't give enough acknowledgment to my old friends from wv and that i keep saying 'i don't have any friends' and things like that. when i say that, i am only referring to (the lack of) people i hang out with here in state college.
i'm getting my own RSS feed from this blog. there have been so many posts in the last couple days that every time i update my feeds they are all from me. this is rather amusing.
Monday, November 3, 2008
all of a sudden, total silence... the trail is cold
something is wrong.
after i complained about him in my blog enough times, 'they' suddenly urged me to google his email address - after all these months. so i tried that and finally found a blog to read, as a substitute for the nonexistent/redirected/lost emails that i wish i had received.
i have calmed down a little bit after getting used to it. i am trying to understand what role i'm supposed to play in this person's life. i've been getting angry because what i (semi-jokingly) call the 'do-gooder mafia' used to try to 'fix' my 'bad behavior,' all the things they disapproved of, when the harassment began years ago. and i wonder if the do-gooders are trying to make me change this person or make him into what 'they' want him to be. a lot of the harassment was about 'self-improvement' in the beginning. they used to try to make me do my chores, obey the pennsylvania grooming standards, etc. so maybe they want me to try to make him stop drinking or something like that. i'm not going to make somebody stop drinking unless they actually requested that i help with that. in other words i'm not here to interfere in his life or change him.
the blog ended and there are no more updates to it, which bothers me. he was blogging regularly for quite a long time. i am now wondering what's going on or whether he started blogging someplace else. i would have been reading that all summer except that we didn't quite connect enough to get comfortable with each other or get used to each other, and i never knew he had a blog, and, in the beginning, he didn't want to tell me about it.
as i read, i notice something i've experienced myself, which is the pain of losing people in college, if you go to another school, or people graduate, and things change. there is no particular place to call home, where all the people are, and they stay there.
another good thing for my reality check is that it looks like he doesn't know where he will go, where he will live, after graduating, and, again, it makes me angry: in the beginning they were trying to make me think all these things, like i'm supposed to marry him and have kids - when this is someone i hardly know and have only had a couple conversations with, and then, we had the disappearing emails problem and/or the 'you said something that freaked me out and i decided to avoid you' problem, whatever it is. you can't even talk about marrying people when you hardly know them and aren't able to reach them whenever you try to communicate. and from what i read, it looks like he already has one or two other people who he loves or is thinking about.
whenever i'm reading these things i get so angry at 'the voices' that i want to scream at them. (i try not to scream at the voices unless i'm in a safe place, like my vehicle, where nobody can hear me screaming at the top of my lungs. anytime i need to express my emotions loudly, i go for a long drive in the car. i don't want my apartment neighbors hearing me through the wall.) they push me to believe things that are insanely, totally, impossibly wrong. if it had been ME, in MY reality, i would have accepted long ago that he has some other girlfriend, and, for some odd reason (he was probably a puppet forced to do this) he impulsively did a couple of small things that got my attention, and then changed his mind, regretted it, found out everything about me, and decided that the safest thing was to just stay away from me.
i have a 'persona' who we started calling 'snape,' as in the harry potter character. when this guy told me that he had a serious relationship with somebody else, 'snape' decided it was his turn to speak up, and he sent back a sarcastic answer in an email, which was not my style. i think that was the last time i received any emails from him, after that sarcastic reply. well, when i read this blog, i actually found an entry that mentioned something that snape had said about 'more than one person.' what i mean is, he wrote that blog entry a while ago, but it was something that one of my attackers brought up and had to say to him. ... i hate them... they always want to send the message 'i am watching everything you do, all of the time.' but they are NOT god, they are NOT angels - they're people who want to call themselves god.
***
i have had to assume all this time that, for whatever reason, he really wants nothing to do with me. but all along it was an imaginary person, an invisible person - i knew nothing about him at all. now, as i read this, i at least have a SLIGHT CLUE about what kind of person he is, what he does, what he cares about.
this hasn't solved the 'i can't look at you' problem in the real world, but at least it gives me some general background context to put him in.
after i complained about him in my blog enough times, 'they' suddenly urged me to google his email address - after all these months. so i tried that and finally found a blog to read, as a substitute for the nonexistent/redirected/lost emails that i wish i had received.
i have calmed down a little bit after getting used to it. i am trying to understand what role i'm supposed to play in this person's life. i've been getting angry because what i (semi-jokingly) call the 'do-gooder mafia' used to try to 'fix' my 'bad behavior,' all the things they disapproved of, when the harassment began years ago. and i wonder if the do-gooders are trying to make me change this person or make him into what 'they' want him to be. a lot of the harassment was about 'self-improvement' in the beginning. they used to try to make me do my chores, obey the pennsylvania grooming standards, etc. so maybe they want me to try to make him stop drinking or something like that. i'm not going to make somebody stop drinking unless they actually requested that i help with that. in other words i'm not here to interfere in his life or change him.
the blog ended and there are no more updates to it, which bothers me. he was blogging regularly for quite a long time. i am now wondering what's going on or whether he started blogging someplace else. i would have been reading that all summer except that we didn't quite connect enough to get comfortable with each other or get used to each other, and i never knew he had a blog, and, in the beginning, he didn't want to tell me about it.
as i read, i notice something i've experienced myself, which is the pain of losing people in college, if you go to another school, or people graduate, and things change. there is no particular place to call home, where all the people are, and they stay there.
another good thing for my reality check is that it looks like he doesn't know where he will go, where he will live, after graduating, and, again, it makes me angry: in the beginning they were trying to make me think all these things, like i'm supposed to marry him and have kids - when this is someone i hardly know and have only had a couple conversations with, and then, we had the disappearing emails problem and/or the 'you said something that freaked me out and i decided to avoid you' problem, whatever it is. you can't even talk about marrying people when you hardly know them and aren't able to reach them whenever you try to communicate. and from what i read, it looks like he already has one or two other people who he loves or is thinking about.
whenever i'm reading these things i get so angry at 'the voices' that i want to scream at them. (i try not to scream at the voices unless i'm in a safe place, like my vehicle, where nobody can hear me screaming at the top of my lungs. anytime i need to express my emotions loudly, i go for a long drive in the car. i don't want my apartment neighbors hearing me through the wall.) they push me to believe things that are insanely, totally, impossibly wrong. if it had been ME, in MY reality, i would have accepted long ago that he has some other girlfriend, and, for some odd reason (he was probably a puppet forced to do this) he impulsively did a couple of small things that got my attention, and then changed his mind, regretted it, found out everything about me, and decided that the safest thing was to just stay away from me.
i have a 'persona' who we started calling 'snape,' as in the harry potter character. when this guy told me that he had a serious relationship with somebody else, 'snape' decided it was his turn to speak up, and he sent back a sarcastic answer in an email, which was not my style. i think that was the last time i received any emails from him, after that sarcastic reply. well, when i read this blog, i actually found an entry that mentioned something that snape had said about 'more than one person.' what i mean is, he wrote that blog entry a while ago, but it was something that one of my attackers brought up and had to say to him. ... i hate them... they always want to send the message 'i am watching everything you do, all of the time.' but they are NOT god, they are NOT angels - they're people who want to call themselves god.
***
i have had to assume all this time that, for whatever reason, he really wants nothing to do with me. but all along it was an imaginary person, an invisible person - i knew nothing about him at all. now, as i read this, i at least have a SLIGHT CLUE about what kind of person he is, what he does, what he cares about.
this hasn't solved the 'i can't look at you' problem in the real world, but at least it gives me some general background context to put him in.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Sometimes it feels like almost all of my speech is fake.
I've been semi-jokingly calling the phenomenon 'puppetmouth.' If I weren't hearing voices, then I'd do a lot less talking and a lot more doing. Most of what I say, think about, and feel, all day long, is influenced by 'them.' They say things that have a double meaning which is sexual, or things that are insulting to somebody. It's exhausting to try to filter them out and say my own thoughts - I don't know how to identify which thoughts are my own, and not only that, but the larger context is almost always something I wouldn't have been doing anyway if it hadn't been for them.
For instance, if I write a blog at 3AM, I wouldn't have been doing that at all in the first place, except that somebody zapped me awake and wouldn't let me go back to sleep. So if blogs were written at 3AM, chances are they're talking about subjects that somebody WANTS me to talk about. But then, that's actually true all day long - it's just that it's much more obvious that I wouldn't even be blogging at all at 3AM.
You can put this into an even larger context - if it hadn't been for 'them,' my entire life would have been different in many ways, and I wouldn't have been in this particular place doing this particular thing right now. So it can either be at the low-level or the higher-level context where I was doing some activity that wasn't my own idea.
In real life, I am NOT insulting, judgmental, cruel, abusive, etc, the way that I often get portrayed. 'They' freak out over relatively minor, trivial things and make it the end of the world, when I myself would have said it was no big deal. I can think of a few examples. I often hear them ruthlessly, cruelly insulting people's physical appearance and making fun of them at times when I myself never would.
For instance, if I write a blog at 3AM, I wouldn't have been doing that at all in the first place, except that somebody zapped me awake and wouldn't let me go back to sleep. So if blogs were written at 3AM, chances are they're talking about subjects that somebody WANTS me to talk about. But then, that's actually true all day long - it's just that it's much more obvious that I wouldn't even be blogging at all at 3AM.
You can put this into an even larger context - if it hadn't been for 'them,' my entire life would have been different in many ways, and I wouldn't have been in this particular place doing this particular thing right now. So it can either be at the low-level or the higher-level context where I was doing some activity that wasn't my own idea.
In real life, I am NOT insulting, judgmental, cruel, abusive, etc, the way that I often get portrayed. 'They' freak out over relatively minor, trivial things and make it the end of the world, when I myself would have said it was no big deal. I can think of a few examples. I often hear them ruthlessly, cruelly insulting people's physical appearance and making fun of them at times when I myself never would.
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