what kind of group would I myself want to join?

9:20 PM 3/4/11

Yes, just as I thought, watching '10,000 BC' again without a stomach virus is much more enjoyable.

It's getting warmer outside. I should be able to function better now and feel physically healthy enough to do stuff, like clean the house, and open the windows, very soon.

Common themes and similar feelings:

-Amish, intentional communities, ecovillages, groups that live without things that the mainstream takes for granted. (I'm slightly opposed to the idea of ecovillages after reading Julian Simon and valuing the idea of having a dozen children, while most environmentalists are anti-children. I want to advocate our group having lots of children.)

-RDL talking about living a somewhat ascetic life, not having a car, not having an internet connection at home, his wife writing letters by hand and mailing them through snail mail (I've talked about handwritten notes many times because of the hackers intercepting my emails).

-The link I just posted in the previous post about the great escape from forum addiction or internet addiction.

-The books I read in, I guess, college? In American Literature class. The Transcendentalists. I got this feeling of manic excitement and energy, a desire to live life. Like on Dead Poets' Society, the 'barbaric yawp,' or whatever, which came from one of those authors and I can't recall which one. I remember I enjoyed Thoreau and Walt Whitman and some of the others, and I felt this desire to break free and live differently than I was living, this feeling that there was more to life than this.

-The 'right now' moment, which I haven't had enough of, and need more of. Doing something or changing something right now.

I don't want to completely reject the internet - not at all. I have found very useful things on the net that cannot be found anywhere else. There is great music published for free on the internet, not for sale anywhere, not on CD, not in the stores, and the net is the only place to find this music. That's just one example. There are also beliefs and ideas and knowledge that I can't find in the mainstream world around me, and things that might possibly be found in books but it would be very hard. If I had tried to find out about 'hearing voices' from the mainstream world around me, then I would be stuck in mental hospitals taking drugs for the rest of my life, because that is the ONLY interpretation and solution the mainstream world offers. For that particular problem, there is *NOTHING* available in the mainstream world around me. Nothing. The only place to find out about electronic harassment is on the internet.

So I am not rejecting the net. I want to restrict its use. I don't want a government law forbidding people to use the net. (Every time 'we' talk about a religious belief, an agreement in a group of people, to do something or not do something, 'they' start pushing the idea that 'this ought to be a law applied universally to everyone.' It is NOT universal to everyone!) I want people, like myself, to voluntarily choose to restrict access somehow, by making it harder to reach the net, so that when you do go use it, you use it briefly, with a purpose. It means you publish less junk, and more high quality material. It means you try to accomplish a specific, limited goal. It means you know what that goal is before you go do it.

There could be a good side to using my new netbook at wi-fi places: it means that I would be taking more photos with my real camera instead of my phone, because that camera connects to the netbook and it's easy to upload photos that way. I have a technical problem where I can't hook my camera to the PC at home and it's a hassle to upload photos, so if I use the netbook more, I will get back to taking real pictures instead of crappy cell phone pictures. I don't like paying for those cell phones - it's $30 a month and I don't use them enough. I was using Samsung's phones on a 'Straight Talk' connection, which means you buy a card for $30 or $45, once a month, and I barely used them.

***
What is the order? It's something that resulted from talking with 'them,' and being urged to do something that I partly agree with, but no, it was not something that I initiated on my own.

It is a group that I myself must want to join. I fight battles with 'them' over the content of the rules, over what the rules are. I am an SLI, and the order must be something an SLI would like to join. 'Do what you're best at' must be the approach. I don't want to create a religion like Christianity, which is better for other types, not for me. This is something where, if it existed today, I would happily walk into it and join, because it gives me what I need.

I was thinking about how the system handles people leaving. 'Turnover ratio' is something inevitable with all groups. People come in, people stay forever, people leave. This is constant and inevitable in all groups. There's no need to be shocked and surprised about the fact that people want to leave.

So my group's system is designed to give you some kind of 'halfway house,' a support system for leaving. It is built into the system. We happily encourage you to leave. If you aren't happy here, then you need to go be happy someplace else, if we can't give you what you need. We encourage you to build your own group, which will hopefully remain friendly with our group, so that we can exchange goods and services and knowledge and people and so on. There is a channel to help you leave.

I read about 'escape from the Amish,' somewhere online - a woman who left the Amish and wrote a book about how hard it was to leave. They never learn how to drive a car. So when you leave the Amish you have to learn that kind of thing, all the things you were never taught to do. It's a transition. I want my people to know that they can safely leave and be supported while leaving and after leaving, so that they are not afraid to leave the group. I love the Amish but I am also interested in the idea of helping people to leave a group if they want to.

There are things that I know already, know for sure, that I want a group to do. I want a group of people who eats the diet I want to eat. I want it to be very easy to go out and get help to eat this diet. It's as simple and easy as going through the drive-thru at McDonald's. You go out to the group and go eat at a dining hall or something. The people cooperate to make sure that everyone in the group is eating the diet. This is the strongest way to guarantee that large numbers of people are eating healthy foods every day forever.

It doesn't necessarily have to be a dining hall. That's only one particular idea. There are other ways to support the members as they eat their diets. The group must make it so easy to eat this diet that it's effortless and we don't have people accidentally getting back into the habit of a bad diet. I don't want to see single people living alone and cooking prepackaged microwave TV dinners instead of eating real food. (Note, this only applies to people in the group. It is NOT a 'force everybody in the world to eat the diet whether they want to or not' attempt.)

I'd like some support to find chemical-free places to live. The group puts a high priority on protecting members against chemicals like pesticides, because one of our main goals is to produce children who do not have the deformities. We need to find houses and apartments and land areas where nobody will use pesticides near us, and any other chemicals that we want to avoid. I need an apartment where the landlord doesn't do pest control, but it's probably required by law, so we need a way around that. This is something that members need help and support to accomplish. It's hard to find chemical-safe areas on your own, while it's extremely important for you to do so. We don't just give our members rules that they can't follow. We give them support to follow the rules. That is the purpose of the group, to make everything easier.

Also, from time to time 'they' push the idea of 'making long hair more acceptable.' I guess they are just testing how I react to that idea? I'm not sure why they keep pushing that and testing that idea. Whenever they do, there is always an immediate 'no' sensation during and after that idea. I don't know if the 'no' comes from within myself, or whether they are pushing a button to artificially induce the 'no' reaction. But for whatever reason, I get a 'no' on the idea of 'making long hair more acceptable.'

I don't care what is acceptable to the mainstream society, as long as they do not physically attack us and force us to change the way we look, at which point, I care. They can accept or not accept whatever they want. They don't have to like our hair. The only people who matter are the people in the group. The people in the group stay in the group because they like the way we look to each other. They are free to leave. They are also free to join the group. If people like our looks, they can join. If they don't like our looks, they can stay out. That is how I feel. I would want to attract people who like that hairstyle, but anyone who doesn't like it probably never will, and I'm not spending my energy trying to convince them, or force them, to accept it.

There is one respect in which I would be 'making long hair more acceptable to the public.' One purpose of the group is to help make sure members are able to support themselves materially, financially, and that might mean that they need to get jobs while also growing long hair and beards. When there is a conflict with an employer, we can do a couple of things. We could make a list of employers who tolerate the hairstyle, and then go work at those places. We could also have a discussion with the people who are in conflict with the hairstyle, and tell them that we are a religion and that the hairstyle is very important to us, and it's not just something that your employee is doing merely to annoy you. We could also start our own businesses and hire our own group members, or find ways to support ourselves without being employed at official 'jobs,' and other things. So one of the purposes of the group is to support you when you have a conflict with your employer about your hair.

(I myself enjoy the idea of starting my own business and then making a rule requiring all employees to stop cutting hair and beards and eyebrows. If other employers can require their employees to look neat and tidy and shave every day and all that, then why couldn't I make a rule saying the opposite? If I am paying you to work for me, you will groom the way that I tell you to groom. And I can just imagine the people getting all upset about this and not caring about the double standard! I can just imagine the response - OH MY GODDDDDD!!! THIS SHOULD BE ILLEGAL!!! And so someone will go out and write a law saying that it's okay to require your employees to shave every day, but it's illegal to require your employees to STOP cutting and shaving. I can just imagine this! This is typical of their type of response to these things.)

What else must the group do, if it were a group that I would happily walk into today if it already existed?

Support for childrearing. They must share breastfeeding if necessary, with wet nurses, because breastfeeding is required to protect the health of the body. It is one of the most important rules. We also need support for homeschooling, and support for not vaccinating. Quitting vaccines, and quitting school, might possibly go together, because vaccines are required for school in some places. This is another area where it helps to have a group backing you up whenever you need to tell people, 'Vaccines are against my religion.' You don't just say that all by yourself. You say it with a whole bunch of other people at the same time. I don't mean simultaneously, I mean, in case there is a conflict over this, you have lots of people who will help protect you and negotiate whatever needs to be negotiated.

Social nudity. It turns out that actually people don't mind nudism very much - it's not very controversial. I imagine we can find enough people to do this.

It isn't an anti-sexual religion. We also allow polyamory. We do not require monogamy. We don't require polyamory either. It is something that will be accepted. People automatically think that if it's a religion, it's anti-sexual, but that is not this kind of religion.

We accept members who are homosexual, heterosexual, or bisexual, however we are also here for the purpose of having children, so we can find ways for homosexual people to have children. They join us because they want to. So we support family arrangements that help homosexual people have children.

Anti-circumcision, and anti-removal of other body parts, such as teeth.

I see this as a drug-free group. Some religions like to use drugs to have visions and hallucinations, but I don't like that. I am interested in physical health. If a group already existed, and they were drug-free, I would feel much more comfortable with them. I wouldn't want to walk into a group of people who used drugs or alcohol. The idea is, which group would I walk into and join if it already existed.

The group must anticipate government attacks. I'm not talking about 'stockpiling weapons.' I'm talking more about something like, inviting the government to visit us and inspect our community so that they can see that we aren't doing anything evil here, and that our people are happy and healthy. They won't be able to see that, if we are breaking some cherished rule of theirs, and it won't matter how happy and healthy we are - the rule will matter more than anything - their rule will matter more than sanity and reality.

I am thinking about the Yearning For Zion genocide where they took all the children away on buses. Someday, that kind of thing might happen to our group, so I want to talk about how to prepare for it, how to prevent it, how to negotiate with the government so that they don't do that. If we get into a conflict with the media and the government the way the YFZ ranch did, then they outnumber us by the millions, and they will be able to do whatever they want to do to us, raid the community and take all our children, or whatever horrible thing they decide to do.

Most of those things I've said so far will be relatively popular enough, but the one rule that hardly anyone will 'get' is the acceptance of the reality of electronic mind control. This is the one rule that only a teeny, tiny minority of people already agree with. If I told a lie and said 'we believe in ghosts,' then plenty of people would be happy to join, but these are not ghosts, they are humans pushing buttons on electronic weapons. We insist that's what they are. I'm not going to call them ghosts or demons or anything paranormal or supernatural. So that will be the least popular rule, to acknowledge the reality of mind control.

However, acknowledging mind control is central to the group, because it is something badly needed that can't be found anywhere else in the mainstream world. You can't find anyone anywhere who can help you with mind control and electronic harassment. No one supports you. You can get thrown into mental hospitals and force-drugged for complaining too much about it. You can't find shielded areas anywhere when you're in a crisis and being severely attacked. You can't find devices to detect and track down where the attacks are coming from. You can't find anything at all, anywhere, from anyone.

But yet, this phenomenon exists, these machines have been created, and they will not forget how to build them. Now that they exist, they will exist forever into the future. The future is a very long time. The religion sees this, even though it's too early for the rest of the world to see it. The religion wants us to know ourselves, to be ourselves, to develop ourselves, to be happy and healthy and comfortable, but we can't be ourselves or make our own choices when we are being controlled and attacked, when we can't sleep a single hour without being forced awake every single night for decades at a time, when we can't dream our own dreams, feel our own feelings, think our own thoughts, sense our own sensations, or speak our own words.

It is central to the group that we see this long future where mind control continues to exist, and our goal is to continue to live in that world somehow, no matter how hard it is, no matter how 'dystopian' that future might seem, no matter how unthinkable and horrible and unimaginable it is to look at the long long future and see a world where electronic mind control gets worse, not better. We choose life, no matter how scary and unbearable and horrible that is to imagine. So we are here to cope with that. Other religions want you to make 'moral choices,' but when you aren't the one making your own choices, when you are being controlled, you are no longer responsible for your own moral choices. It doesn't do any good to just tell them over and over again to make moral choices. They can't. They physically can't. They are puppets, not in control of themselves. So this is a non-Christian religion where we acknowledge that, as unpleasant as this is to imagine, you aren't totally responsible for your own actions.

It's funny that I see this as a breakthrough, and not a backsliding. I read books by Nathaniel Branden where he said that the popular mainstream culture was disintegrating and that 'lack of personal responsibility' was a big problem. Lots of people complain about the lack of personal responsibility, people blaming others instead of taking action themselves, people starting lawsuits to win millions of dollars, and that kind of thing. So it seems like I would want to advocate personal responsibility, instead of saying, once again, like everyone else, that, unfortunately, we're not entirely responsible for our own actions. You'd think I'd want to say the exact opposite of that: be more responsible, make better choices, take responsibility. I read all those Nathaniel Branden books, and, before I discovered that I was being attacked, I believed in all of it, and strongly desired to take more responsibility for my actions and goals.

Every time in recent years that I have tried to use any kind of self-help book at all, I have been severely attacked by voices trying to control me every second of every day. For instance, if I am reading a Nathaniel Branden book, and I'm trying to fill out his 'sentence stem' exercises, where they give you an incomplete sentence and you are supposed to fill out the second half of the sentence as fast as you can, from your so-called 'subconscious,' what happens is I get attacked constantly every time I try to do this, and they force words into my head instead of letting me, and my subconscious, speak for myself.

That's only one example. Other things that happen are: they attack me during my daily activities if I violate or fail at some rule or goal that I said I would accomplish, like if I say that I'm going to focus on communicating better, or something, then they will nag me about that 24 hours a day, every second of every conversation I have, so that I feel this painful pressure constantly instead of feeling the effects of the self-improvement book naturally integrating into my mind. I get into direct conflicts with them about exactly how to implement the rules and behaviors that I am trying to learn.

I recognized something in the person who wrote 'the great escape' in the forum that I quoted a blog or two ago. She said that she was now automatically typing everyone she looked at, every hour of every day, instead of seeing them as people. This is probably not because of socionics. It is probably because of electronic harassment. I have experienced it too. It is EXTREMELY damaging to clarity of thought. They have these morons putting wrong ideas into my head constantly, as they wrongly and inaccurately type people while I'm looking at them, to mislead me away from clear understanding.

I actually hear voices forcing me to whisper subvocal speech, in my throat and mouth and sinuses - I can't describe exactly where the subvocal voices are located because I don't know enough about how they work, and it's hard to describe, and every time I try to describe this, the murderers attack me severely later on, trying to 'demonstrate that they can do this thing,' so they do some extreme, brutal, disruptive, damaging kind of attack to show that 'I can force your voice box to make a sound' and that kind of thing, if I've written a blog about how subvocal speech forces my voice box to make whispers, simply because I have a hard time accurately describing exactly what it is that they are doing.

I don't know for sure if it comes from the voice box, the mouth, the throat, the sinuses, or where. But even so, that is my attempt to describe it. They force some part of my physical body, some part of my speech mechanisms, to whisper things, which is a substitute for real thinking and real understanding. And they do this to me constantly when I look at people, or at least, I have gone through phases when this type of attack was particularly bad or worse than usual (but lately it hasn't been too bad). So whatever she was experiencing, I'm guessing it's the same as what I was experiencing: forced thoughts, designed to lead you away from clear understanding, to fill you with stupid messy ideas so that you can't see anything more deeply and can't make any original observations.

The thoughts that they give you are very stupid, very shallow, and very wrong, and I get into terrible fights with them when I catch them doing this to me. Imagine the worst of the worst quality forum posts, where people argue about what type someone is - imagine the worst posts you've ever seen, the muddiest thinking, the shallowest and most impulsive observations, and then imagine being forced to hear this crap all day long instead of observing something yourself, and being forcibly silenced from using your own brain. That is what I experience. You get forced to hear stupid people constantly telling you things that are blatantly wrong, and you can't fight back against them. All original observations are totally destroyed.

If I tried to describe this experience in terms of socionics functions, it reminds me of a conflict between a J type and a P type, a rational/irrational conflict. The P wants to continue observing something more deeply, but the J type wants to tell you what it is, right now, even if it's wrong, just to tell you SOMETHING instead of continuing to observe. Their way of doing things, when I experience this, is: they make a statement which is like a statement a J type would make, and then they force you to hear it and react to it, so that they can find out whether it is true or false by watching your body's reaction to the statement. I get bombarded with 'true or false' attacks constantly, all day long, instead of being allowed to observe without judging. They want to know right now what the answer is, based on whatever limited information I have right now, and they don't care whether it's deep or shallow, right or wrong, they just want to get some kind of immediate yes or no answer. That is the conflict that I experience when they control me.

So instead of letting me look at something, see it, and absorb my impressions of it, they will allow me to look at something for a second or two, and then I get zapped with an attack which makes some kind of true/false statement - let's give a hypothetical example, something like 'That person is an ENFp,' and my body will respond with 'yes' or 'no' by becoming physically tense somewhere. I wasn't ready to decide whether that person was an ENFp or not, but they think it's okay not to be ready, because my 'intuition' supposedly should know this already, and it should already have all the right answers - they trust it too much, and they don't trust observation enough. They want to know my first impression hunch of what someone is.

So I will get flooded with stupid, moronic, wrong dialogue for a couple of minutes while they give me a bunch of different statements and get to my opinion by the process of elimination - 'that person is an ENFp - no - ESFp - no - ESTJ - no,' and so on, for many minutes, over and over again, and then they'll start over from the beginning and do the whole damn stupid thing again, until the 'official answer' gets stronger and stronger with repetition. That is not the best way at all to decide what type someone is. Just trusting that some hunch, deep inside my mind, already knows the answer and can give a true/false response, is NOT a reliable way to get to 'the truth!' Meanwhile all the original observations and deeper understandings are destroyed while using the function that way.

They also do that with rehearsed speech. They force me to rehearse ahead of time something I might say to someone. They want to force me to go talk to this person and express something - for instance, when Martin was working at Weis, they would bombard me for hours, while I was working, with a rehearsed speech of me walking up to the front desk, in front of everyone, and shouting at him 'WHY AREN'T YOU ANSWERING MY EMAILS?' (the emails that they were forcing me to send to him while I was on drugs). This is something *I WOULD NEVER DO.*

So they constantly try to get a 'yes or no' response to things that they want to force me to say, and they bombard me with a dozen different possible ideas for what to say, and get a 'no' on all of them, and then start over at the beginning and go through the whole thing again, supposedly trying to look for something that I could possibly agree with, but all of it is totally as wrong as wrong can be. It's like they are trying to force me to use my weakest function, my most unnatural way of behaving.

They tried rehearsing this fantasy ('WHY AREN'T YOU ANSWERING MY EMAILS?'), over and over and over again, for hours, as though they believed that I would get used to it if only I practiced it for hours, but no, I never did, and I always resisted and refused to do this unnatural thing. I was physically unable to think about anything else. If I tried to direct my mind to some other thought process, something I actually wanted to think about, they would zap me and start up the unnatural rehearsed conversations again. This is a socionics function conflict. I don't know which particular functions are in conflict, but they were forcing me to behave in a way that was totally unnatural for my personality type.

It is not always like that for me. It has been more peaceful lately than it was at times in the past. When I am using St. John's Wort I get into more direct, severe conflicts with them. I am not using it now, except for occasional drug residue exposure incidents, at a low level microdosage.

When you hear a song playing in your head all day long, that's a really common experience, isn't it? Everyone complains about that. I've got this annoying song running through my head. How many people have ever said that to you? Tons and tons of them. It is totally common and normal to have a song running through your head, and often, it's a song you don't like, a song that annoys you. Guess what? That's fake. It's the result of an attack. Your brain is not freely playing that song to you of its own accord. Something is causing it to happen, and it comes from outside yourself. I don't know the details of how this attack is done. It is not a naturally occurring phenomenon. It affects HUGE numbers of people. Everyone has experienced this. I don't know why they do it. It prevents deep thought and original observations and it reduces the level of your mental energy and focus. It keeps you in kind of a trance.

I wandered off topic while complaining...

Anyway, that particular requirement, of acknowledging the reality of mind control and the need for a group of people who will help you cope with it and survive, in the long future where the phenomenon will only get worse - that will be one of the hardest requirements to satisfy, one of the least popular rules and beliefs. I can imagine people getting together to do a lot of the rest of the things, but this one is a difficult one.

I finished 'watching' 10,000 BC while also writing this blog, so I was halfway paying attention to two things at once, and not completely to either of them. But I was right, the movie was more tolerable the second time around, although I don't think I will want to watch it much more than that.

connection between body and soul

2:48 PM 2/27/11

'They' have been asking me about my religion. I did not have an official religion at first, but instead it resulted from being questioned by 'them' about what kind of religion I would want, what kind of intentional community I would want to create. The intentional community is meant to last a very, very long time, like hundreds, or thousands, of years, and so it must be designed as a stable belief system with enough abstraction that it can respond to future changes. It must have some principles that are abstract enough that they will be universally applicable even in different situations.

One example of something they were asking me about recently is, How important is it to follow the 'quitting Christmas' requirement of this religion? Is that a what's-the-word, a deal breaker? (I forgot the word. It means: something you absolutely won't be flexible about. I was reading Diana Leafe Christian again recently. Non-negotiable.)

Well, they were asking why I required 'quitting Christmas' in my religion. And we looked forward into the future, when we might need to quit some other new holiday that somebody might create in the future, because things do change over time. We would need a more abstract, general rule to follow, not just something as specific as 'quit Christmas.' I didn't want to make a rule that would become too huge and restrictive and out of control, you know, quitting all holidays, being opposed to everything that could ever be fun, forbidding people to get together and have some kind of recurring ritual on a particular date every year - I am not opposed to all holidays and all rituals as such. Christmas is the one that offends me, and this is because I read a particular book about it (The Trouble With Christmas) and because I myself had negative feelings about it for a long time.

The idea was that in the future, what if Halloween got out of control? (This is just an example.) What if Halloween became like Christmas? You would be expected to buy expensive treats and presents not just for your own family, but for all the kids on the entire block, who would come knocking on your door. And if you failed to do this, you would be 'tricked' in some way, and socially stigmatized as a failure (the same way you are stigmatized as a failure if you can't afford to buy tons of expensive Christmas presents). Through the entire month of October, you would be forced to hear Halloween music playing on the overhead Muzak at every store where you went shopping and on every radio station.

So what general rules or principles lead to quitting Christmas? And how could that rule be defined so that we would, for instance, quit Halloween in the future too, but only if Halloween became a huge and obnoxious all-encompassing monster like Christmas? And how could we do this without being extreme in a bad way and forbidding everyone everywhere to ever have fun or enjoy any holidays at all together?

One of the ideas behind quitting Christmas was that we want to distinguish ourselves as a non-Christian religion. That's not the only idea behind it, it's just one of several ideas.

So, the other thing they were asking me about is: How important is it to include the rule that all members of the order must acknowledge the existence of electronic mind control? This is similar to joining a church: it's hard to join a church if you don't believe, at least slightly, that your soul is being saved by going to church, and that otherwise, something terrible will happen to you - you will go to hell. You can enjoy the community, the company of the people at church, but if you don't at least slightly agree about this particular 'irrational belief,' this belief that your soul lives on after your death and that it must be saved from going to hell, then you won't really feel the *need* to go to church, even if you somewhat enjoy being with the people.

So I have a similar belief. It is like an irrational belief. It is something specific, something strange, something esoteric and technical. It is something that not everybody believes. Not everyone agrees about it. Not everyone has observed or experienced this. To become an official member of the order you are required to accept the belief that electronic mind control and mind reading is real. That is very similar to joining a church and stating that Jesus Christ is your savior, that he died for your sins, and because of him, you can go to heaven if only you accept Christ. It is an irrational belief, and some people simply cannot say it. I can't say that (about Jesus) while also telling the truth. It is very uncomfortable. I am strongly an atheist, and I can't say that Jesus Christ died for my sins and I'm going to heaven because of him. There will be people who, like me about Jesus, 'can't say it.' People who can't say that electronic mind control is real. For whatever reason, they absolutely can't imagine, even after having someone explain it to them, that it could ever, possibly, be real or important, in any universe, that it could ever matter to them, matter for the future, that it could ever be anything but a crazy person's delusional belief. This belief is very much analogous to stating that Jesus Christ has saved your soul from going to hell. 'Mind control' is an 'irrational belief' that I arrived at through sensory observation, using my senses, having physical experiences of attack, reading articles about electronic weapons. It is an irrational belief. So if I ask other people to believe that along with me, that is a non-negotiable requirement of joining the order.

(I feel a clench of anxiety in my stomach when I say 'the order.' The Order does not yet exist. It is only an idea, only a plan. It is something that I have created reluctantly and unwillingly as a result of being attacked and as a result of having discussions with 'them.' However, if this religious order already existed on earth, and if they opened their doors and invited me to join them, I would strongly consider it. I just haven't ever seen anyone who already had all of the particular rules and beliefs that I like, so I have to create the intentional community myself. There might be similar communities out there, and if there are, then I might befriend them, but I haven't found them. The Order does not exist. It is an imaginary intentional community that I am making because I cannot find an existing community that meets my needs.)

About electronic mind control, where does this concept go in the future? What is the general rule behind it, the assumption, the principle, the belief?

This is based on a belief that your soul, your mind, is strongly connected to your body. Your soul is not 'someplace else.' It is not floating in some other universe where souls exist away from the body. (This all applies to the idea of 'mind' as well.) It is not an abstraction. It is part of your physical body and it has a finite life. Your soul dies with your body after a few decades (around a century if you are lucky).

An abstraction lives on after your death, but it isn't YOU. In the abstract, you can see other people in the world who are just like you, except they are born in different places under different names, after your death. It's like you were reincarnated, except you don't remember anything about the specific person who died. Those are people who have the same personality type you had. Their 'style' is the same. They 'feel like you.' If one of your friends or family met that person, they would recognize that person as being very similar to you, in the same spirit, as though you had been brought back to life. In that abstract way, your spirit lives on after your death.

You also live on after your death through the impact that you have on the world. Whatever consequences, whatever effects, resulted from your life, will forever affect the future of the world.

But aside from those things, we assume you die at the end of your life, and everything dies, all of you, including your soul. This is an atheist belief.

Because of this, we say it matters greatly what happens to you in your life. It is a tragic shame if someone suffers misery their entire life and never experiences fulfillment. So our goal is to do the best we can to make future lives better (in addition to our present lives), so that fewer people will have miserable and unfulfilling lives. We must take specific actions to bring this about. This is an atheist morality, a belief that it's good to do something.

Electronic mind control is part of the belief that our soul is inside our physical body. If our mind and soul are something that results from our physical body, then it seems believable that physical, mechanical things could influence our mind and soul, in good ways and bad ways. Our body's physical health directly affects our spiritual health, because if you are sick and in pain all the time, you can't be a very pleasant person, your mind doesn't function well, you can't achieve goals, and so on. Most people can accept the idea that our physical health influences our spiritual health if you explain it like that. If you explain that physical sickness affects the body so badly that it ruins your functioning, ruins your social life, ruins your relationships, makes you less able to think clearly and achieve goals, most people will agree with you at least somewhat.

Make the leap to electronic mind control. There are devices that are able to affect the physical body with radiation, radio waves, sound waves, electromagnetic fields. You don't have to believe in, or know about, which specific devices do what, and you don't have to know about or believe that these devices already exist and that unknown people are already using them on innocent victims (which is what I experience). You don't have to accept those things. Just the first one, that some devices exist which are able to affect the physical body by using radio frequencies, and so on. If you accept that this is true, then it can lead you to see that if that happens, then it can affect your behavior, your mood, your thoughts and feelings, your social life, your functioning, your job, your love relationships, and so on. Anything that affects the physical body affects the mind and spirit and social life and everything. If you can accept that devices exist which can do such things, and that maybe, possibly, some people might USE them to attack other people, then you see that it's important that they be included in a religion where part of your goal is to know your true self, to be yourself, and to improve the quality of your life and your relationships.

This wouldn't be important - it wouldn't be more important than any other specific health problem or crime, like, for instance, kidnapping. Kidnapping is a crime, and it matters, and it ruins lives, and if I wanted to, I could focus on nothing but the evils of kidnapping, and what we must do to rid the world of kidnapping and end the practice of kidnapping. Because I agree, kidnapping people of any age is an evil, life-ruining thing to do. And I could complain that governments all around the world, including the USA, are doing it to people. Putting people in jail is a form of kidnapping. We can argue about which particular 'crimes' they are accused of, for instance, 'victimless crimes.' I could focus on that and complain about that particular crime. Electronic mind control - is it somehow 'more important' than kidnapping? They are both crimes. Why am I focused strongly on that and not on other crimes?

It is important, because it's happening to ME, and I am the person creating this community. It is important because I believe it's being done to large numbers of people, secretly - unlike kidnapping, which is highly visible and noticeable when it happens. When kidnapping happens, everyone agrees that it's a crime and something bad is going on. (I realize that sometimes the police are slow to respond, etc, or someone might blame the victims or blame the family or whatever, but in general, people believe that it's real.) When electronic mind control happens, people don't notice it and they don't know that anything is wrong, unless the attackers make themselves obvious and attack very severely, and they only do that to some people, not everyone.

I believe that this behavior will continue into the distant future, and that it is now permanently a part of our society and it always will be, unless all of the paperwork and all of the computers are burned and destroyed forever and all of the scientists are killed who have any memory of how to make these devices, and any knowledge of all the sciences leading up to them. Since that isn't going to happen, and since I don't *WANT* that to happen, then, I must accept that electronic mind control will exist forever into the future. It has been created and it will not go away. So we need an ethical system that acknowledges that it is real and we need a way to respond to it.

I want my community of people to see this along with me. That is the only way we can help each other, if large numbers of people cooperate on building countermeasures to protect us against the attacks, and doing research to understand and reverse engineer how the attacks are done, while not intending to USE the attacks against anybody. There will be rules about how we are allowed to defend ourselves against this, just as there are rules about how you may defend yourself when someone initiates any other kind of attack against you. It is part of a religion, part of an intentional community, that we all agree about a particular belief in something, belief that it exists, that it's real and important, that it's OUR PROBLEM (instead of obscure and esoteric and unimportant and 'somebody else's problem'). It is part of the religion or community that we agree about what is appropriate, moral, ethical behavior when we need to respond to and defend ourselves against these attacks. I do not want to see a war going on with groups of people shooting each other forever and ever.

This is all part of the set of beliefs that says our soul is part of the body, that our life is short and finite and temporary, and that it matters very much what happens to your body during this lifetime. I also want to de-emphasize 'dying for a cause' behavior. I need to think more about this question, because I can imagine that there would be situations where people would want to die for a cause. But I don't want to encourage that at all in my religion. I want this to be a life protecting religion where everyone feels valued. 'You're worth more to me alive.' I want this to be a pacifist religion, but not the type of pacifism where you can never defend yourself at all against anything. This needs to be clarified, and it hasn't been yet. I only know that it's very important to accept the belief in the reality of electronic mind control, and that is a non-negotiable idea in the religion.

This is something that has resulted from having discussions with 'them.' I myself wasn't planning to try to create a religion. I was planning to leave the country and go to a hopefully better part of the world.

"Disappointed that you tried...?" No, I'm GRATEFUL that you tried.

Disappointed that you couldn't be like me?
Disappointed that you tried to be like me?

No, I'm grateful that you tried to be like me. Thank you for trying.

What's this all about?

I was thinking about the future of the Order.

What happens if I create the Order, but some of the members start to think they can do it better than I can? I see myself trying to start the Order, but some bossy people start thinking that THEY know what it's about, and I don't. They start complaining that I'm too extreme, that they don't want to follow this rule or that rule, but they like the other ideas. They like this, but they don't like that. They like the idea of getting a bunch of people together to cooperate with each other and help each other, or enjoy each other's company, or work together, or trade together, or do car pools together, or cook together, or have their own religion together. But one or two of my ideas are too extreme, and they just don't like that one particular thing, and they don't think we should be doing it.

Maybe they don't want us to be required to eat the same diet. Maybe they don't like the idea of not being allowed to cut our hair, or, the idea of losing status, losing compliance, if you do cut your hair while you're in the Order. There's always going to be something that they don't like. Some rule they don't want to follow. They joined this group thinking it was one thing, but actually it turned out to be something else, and it's not what they wanted.

What's my reaction to that?

I'm grateful that you tried.

They tried to be like me, but they couldn't. I'm disappointed that it didn't work out, but I'm glad they tried to do it. We can still be friends.

I encourage them to start their own group with their own name and their own reputation. People aren't competing to call themselves 'retmeishka.' That's a unique glossolalia name with no meaning. I didn't try to monopolize some really cool-sounding, meaningful name that everybody wants to have, for instance, 'The Free Will Order,' or something. I didn't take that name. I called myself a unique, meaningless name.

Somewhere down the road, in the future, after I die, people will struggle to follow the original intent of the Order. They will struggle to define the founder's original spirit. What would Nicole Binns do? What did she want for the Order? It's just like any other religion. After someone dies, people struggle to follow their spirit, without any guidance except their own interpretation of that person's writings, the memory of that person. They can only try. That person is gone, and that person can't tell them whether they're doing a good job or not. That person can't tell them whether they're accurately following the original intent, the original spirit, or not.

Sometime in the future, there will be a schism in the Order, just like there is with any religion. Someone will decide that the name retmeishka has been corrupted beyond repair. People are calling themselves retmeishka, but it no longer follows the original spirit of the founder. What do we do? Are we disappointed that you tried to be like me, and you failed?

No, I'm grateful that you tried. Both sides of the schism were trying to follow the original intent, the original spirit. They disagreed about what that spirit was. Thanks for trying.

And then, there are those people who aren't even TRYING to follow the original spirit. They're just making their own thing and naming it after themselves. What do I say about that? I say, go with my blessing. I WANT them to build their own groups. It's helpful for people to have a group to be in, even if that particular group is doing something we disagree with. Usually, for the most part, a different group with minor disagreements isn't doing anything really bad. Groups as such are helpful. They help people meet each other, work together, and cooperate. They support and guide people who don't know what to do. They give people something to rebel against, something to disagree with, something to question. It's better than having nothing at all.

So, sometime in the future, people will leave. They'll disagree about the original spirit that we're trying to follow, they'll say that one person or the other person isn't really following the original spirit. Or someone else will leave and create their own group, with their own spirit, and not even worry about what my original spirit was trying to do. Or they'll be inspired by bits and pieces of it, but they don't want the whole thing. They can all go with my blessing, and, thank you for trying. Thank you for trying to be like me, and, thank you for being yourself.

This is something that inevitably happens when you start an intentional community.

Email to Carrie; telling the truth; costumes; stalking; eminem's drugs

11:53 AM 10/8/10

I wrote back to Carrie last night. I told her some of the truth, not all of it.

1. I didn't tell her that I had created a fakebook account, just like I said I would end up doing, so that I could continue to peek at their pages. I can't see their photos, because they're set on private. But I can see the status updates.

2. I told her that I wasn't working at Weis anymore and that I was ashamed about that. (I am still in denial - I keep thinking maybe I can go talk to them and negotiate something.) But I didn't say the biggest part of it, which was, I hated the job, and in the past, it wasn't so bad, but it got worse and worse over time, and I only went in because I looked forward to seeing Curtis. He was the *only* reason I could put up with going to work every day, as things got worse and worse there. So, when he left, I had no reason to go to work. I didn't tell her that. (Someone I know who works there was talking to me last night, and he said that the chaos in the store has gotten *even worse* since I left. So I have even less motivation to go back.)

3. I told her that I was scared of getting hurt if I went to visit Curtis at his new job. But I didn't tell her that it was very likely I would try touching, hugging, etc, and that was how he might reject and hurt me. I just made it sound like a general, vague, overall rejection of some kind. I didn't say what it was that I would probably try to do if I saw him.

****
They took a bunch of photos just before I shut down my facebook page, while I could still see them. There was a halloween costume that he tried on - I don't know if he actually bought it - and I can only describe it as 'totally adorable.' I don't really know what the costume *was*. It sort of looked like a bartender, and in one picture, it looked like he was trying to do the thing of leaning back and spraying liquor out of his mouth. There were spider-shaped buttons, or maybe they were bats - I forget - spiders and bats and that kind of thing - down the front of the shirt. Whatever the costume was, it fit him well and it was extremely cute.

I've been thinking of a costume. I have a sewing machine now. I could really make my own costume for once. I have wanted to do that for years. I don't officially celebrate holidays, but I tolerate Halloween. I don't tolerate Christmas though. I think I would enjoy dressing up. I would like to dress up as a soft, furry animal, since I am a fur lover. I don't know what kind of animal. I don't like 'joke' costumes as much - that's not my style. It would be something cute and beautiful and comfortable.

When I was a kid, we had some halloween costumes that we kept afterwards, and every once in a while I would put them on and play in them. I would wear them around the house just like Max in Where The Wild Things Are, in his wolf pajamas. We had a dog, a panda, and a leopard. Then later on there was some kind of thing, I forget what it was - a kangaroo? A giraffe - I think it was the giraffe, yes. They made it for a play that my brother was in. All of those costumes were homemade, and they were comfortable enough that you could wear them around the house as clothing. Even the masks were made of soft comfortable material. I don't want something with a big heavy head mask made out of hard material, for instance. It would be all fabric with some stuffing here and there if necessary.

*******
I'm sick today. That's the reason why I'm not out stalking. I have been busy stalking almost every day this week. I am a little more relaxed now because I know which store he's at, and I know that he is really at that store, and I vaguely know about his schedule - not specifically, just vaguely, and also, I'm more relaxed because Carrie has emailed me and so we are still in contact.

How I *feel* about the stalking: I have a few different perspectives on it. One perspective is the 'sort of a joke' feeling that I have while I write about stalking. I use the word 'stalking' here in my blog and it is, slightly, a joke. In reality, I warned him that I would be trying to go visit him, and I actually begged him to tell me not to. I warned him many times in many different ways that if he left, I would become a basket case and I would do crazy things to try to get his attention and I would be trying to email him and thinking the emails weren't going through, and all that. I warned him in paper notes, I mentioned it briefly in conversations out loud, I sent him dozens and dozens of text messages although he only got some of those because some of them went to his old phone numbers, as he's had three different phone numbers since I've known him.

So he's known about this for a long time and he has refused to set boundaries the way I've asked. I asked him to tell me in details about what I can and can't do, but he never discussed it with me. It's obvious that he just *doesn't care* if I go visit him at his job or not. He might want me to, he might be happy about it, or he might just not give a shit one way or the other. Whatever it is, he can't be bothered to write an email telling me to stay away from him. (I'm having a reaction to a drug residue. There's been a problem at my computer where I sit. It's either on the chair or on some part of the computer, like the keyboard. It makes my heart pound too fast. When that happens, I get into an angry, agitated mood that won't go away. That is why I hate the drug residues. It might even be something on the cardboard that I put on the floor.) Anyway, that's why it's kind of a joke to call it stalking. He either doesn't care, or else he's happy about it. He can't even take the trouble to tell me strongly to stay away from him. And his girlfriend/fiancee is still writing emails to me as though I'm not an enemy.

Also, in another perspective, I feel a sense of honor or duty in doing this. This is the part that my friends and family would describe as 'delusional.' I feel that there is something important about staying connected with him, because the voices are telling me to. Like it's something to be proud of, choosing to hold on and maintain a relationship even though it is difficult to do, instead of just giving up and letting go. I see myself in the role of a protector.

And I know: How can I sometimes say the voices are my enemy, they are human beings pushing buttons on a machine, it's electronic harassment, and all that, and other times I say that I agree with something they are 'guiding' me to do - like many people who interpret them as being 'spiritual guides?' It's true, that is a contradiction. I don't believe that they are 'spiritual guides,' and I think it's a lie to call themselves that, when I believe they are human beings pushing buttons on a machine. However, do I sometimes agree with something they try to make me do? Yes, I do sometimes agree with them.

Several things have changed my reaction to the voices.

1. I removed my metallic dental filling. The metal dental filling made me sick at my stomach constantly. That constant sickness manifested as hate, anger, bitterness, all the time. It made me hate the voices and feel rebellious simply because I was sick and I hated everything. The new plastic fillings are very bad, too, and they have side effects, but they don't make me sick and bitter all the time.

2. I'm not using drugs, except small amounts of drug residues. When I'm on antidepressants, I hate the voices and I rebel against everything the attackers do.

Without antidepressants, and without silver-mercury amalgam dental fillings, I am much more tolerant towards the voices.

(I was thinking about eminem last night. They told me he's using prescription drugs, and that's why his songs are full of violence. Prescription antidepressants cause murder and suicide, and they also cause fights when you are in a relationship. They said that he is at great risk because of his drugs, and that he might be dead within a year, and that he absolutely must stop using the prescription drugs and he has to go to a hospital to do the withdrawal, because the withdrawal is just as dangerous as the drugs.)

I don't know how many different people are using the mind control systems. Some of them might be trying to fight against the 'root of all evil,' the government. I don't know who they are. Others might be within the government itself. Others might be trying to make money by owning slaves and entertaining themselves at the slaves' expense. Others might be individual criminals doing something for their own reasons.

****
Someone with Curtis's screen name asked a question to Mythbusters about how Indiana Jones climbs into a lead-lined refrigerator to escape from the nuclear explosion in the latest movie, the one about the aliens with the weird shaped heads. I saw that movie too, and I thought the same thing about how the refrigerator could not possibly protect you against a nuclear explosion. However, if you were actually stuck someplace where a bomb was about to go off, even if it was a nuclear bomb, it might make you feel better if you climbed inside a refrigerator, so you might as well do it anyway. That's if there wasn't enough time to run far away from the blast or get in your car and drive away.

Amish milk, and a fistful of glitter, and my butt's fat again

7:19 PM 8/16/10

(*This is a very disorganized post, with several different subjects.  I'm probably already suffering from ADD from drinking milk, and from quitting coffee.  I started on a couple subjects, wandered to something else, and never really finished all the things I had meant to talk about... and by the time I was done, I didn't care whether I wrote about all those things or not.  So if you feel like I went on a tangent and never came back, you're right.*)

Why did my butt get fat this month?

changes in drug residues
one tiny sip of milk wasn't enough? maybe it is. maybe one tiny sip causes ovulation later on
but i'm drinking amish milk today and it goes to my butt and breasts instantly; i'll look like i looked in college; i lost my college weight by quitting whole milk
milk is addictive; as soon as i've had one glass, i start craving more later on
i ovulated much more than usual this month for unknown reasons
peter's wellbutrin - maybe wellbutrin triggers ovulation
peter's other new drugs
put vinyl on my car seat, which means i withdrew from sjw; the withdrawal can cause weight gain

I had been wondering where I could buy raw milk.

The milk I get at the grocery stores usually is sour when I buy it. I think it's held at warm temperatures during shipping and handling. It usually makes me sick at my stomach. Even the Meyer Dairy milk made me sick, although it tasted fresh. So I wanted to try fresh raw milk.

I saw a sign near the town of Howard when I was out driving my car. It was next to a little farm, and at the time, I didn't know it was an Amish farm. It said they had fresh raw milk for sale.

A couple weeks ago I finally went there. I drove up the gravel road and saw an Amish man working on fixing something next to the driveway, some wooden thing. I stopped my car and asked him where I could buy the milk, and whether this was a bad time. He told me it was up the hill at the barn, right where they were milking, and he said it was a good time.

After I drove up, a little boy opened the door of the barn. He might have been about seven years old - I'm not sure if I can guess someone's age very well. He asked me if he could help me with anything. We'd never seen each other before, so it was awkward and anxious for both of us. I was on drugs at the time, I think, so I might have had more intense feelings than usual.

I bought a half gallon of milk for $1.50, and got a free little pint of mint tea, which was very good. A half gallon is too much for me, but that was the smallest size.

When he said goodbye to me, he gave me a polite smile that wasn't really a smile.

I only tried a small sip of it. I wasn't sure if it would agree with my stomach. I haven't had milk to drink in years, although I eat cheese and I drink milkshakes. I had some problems with milk a few years ago and stopped drinking it. But if it's very fresh, I might be able to - that was the idea. I tried only a sip, and never finished the half gallon, and I left it in the fridge for days and days and it spoiled.

This time when I drove up and he asked if he could help me, and I wondered if I could buy some milk, he smiled and he was more relaxed and genuine. He recognized me from the last time I was there. He opened the door and he was barefoot. 'We have cheese now,' he said. They had made all different kinds of cheese. I kneeled down and got in the fridge, which was right in the doorway of the barn, while he held the door open. I got a block of Swiss cheese along with my milk and my jug of tea. I thanked him and said I had enjoyed the mint tea last time. He told me they have a concentrate of it, and he opened the freezer door - all you have to do is mix it with water. I didn't buy that, because I don't have a container to put it in, but I might next time I'm there.

I thanked him again.

The feeling I had for this little boy was, 'I love you. I would do anything for you. I'll stay with you and I won't ever leave you.'

I don't have any children. I'm not used to the feelings that children can give you. Children are supposed to make you feel that way.

I've seen hyperactive children, tortured by the poisons of modern society. I was one of them before I got on the Feingold Diet. I see them at McDonald's. A mother was fighting with her son who was having a tantrum as they were leaving. He was screaming and crying. I felt a terrible feeling: 'I hate you. I loathe you. You disgust me.' I know it's not really me that feels that way. I felt sorry for the kid. It was the way he was crying, screaming, and begging his mom to let him keep playing, to not punish him, he promised he wouldn't do it again, PLEASE, I PROMISE, crying and screaming - he HATED himself, I could feel it by listening to him. He hated himself, he loathed himself.

I feel like I would almost marry an Amish man. I am close to being Amish myself in many ways. There are some differences. But I would like to learn how they work. I want to learn how to make a profit on a farm when you aren't using motor-driven tractors or electricity. (They use gas-powered appliances, though - the refrigerator had to be. I'd like to avoid using fossil fuel appliances because I get sick from their fumes.)

I'm different from the Amish because I'm not Christian and I don't think I ever could be. That is the reason for the order of retmeishka.

But I feel that Amish society is closer to being a healthy society than 'English' society. It gives me a model of how things can be, of how a religion can be. I have more respect for the Amish than I do for most English people.

I might find out that I'm too allergic to milk to keep on drinking it; this is only an experiment. I might find that it makes me too fat too quickly, and I'm not exercising enough to burn off the fat. I might find that I'm getting rashes or having other problems. I might find that it's making me hyperactive or ADD. I'm not sure yet how I'll react to drinking a lot of it. I don't have a scale in my bathroom right now, so I can't watch the changes in my weight.

I got a fat butt this month, out of nowhere, for no reason. I wasn't aware of changing my diet. I just suddenly got a very fat butt. I ate McDonald's food a few more times than usual. I was exposed to Peter's Wellbutrin and have been contaminated with it several times. I patched up something that was toxic and was exposing me to St. John's Wort residues, my car seat. All of those things have caused me to have weight changes in the past, and it's always my big butt that I notice first.

It might go away next month, or it might not. If I'm successful at drinking milk, I will probably gain ten or fifteen more pounds, and I'm not used to that. I weighed 145 in college, when I was eating in the cafeteria and drinking several glasses of whole milk every day. I stopped drinking the whole milk, switched to skim, and immediately lost the weight very quickly. I also started taking walks, but I was always taking walks, so that probably didn't explain it - I can't remember when I was walking more and when I was walking less.

So whole milk makes you get fat very quickly. That's all I know. I'm drinking it because of the Weston Price diet, wondering if it will affect my teeth. I've had painful teeth for the past few weeks. Bruxism from St. John's Wort exposure and Wellbutrin exposure - those drugs both make me clench my teeth. I think that's why they're hurting more than usual.

I can't believe this - I just drank a small glass of milk, then another one, and now I'm craving another one. I can't believe how much of it I want to drink. It's really addictive. Now, these are small glasses - less than eight ounces, I think - I'm not sure. Little plastic cups. I'll just drink as much as I crave, and this will be an experiment. I will probably get very fat very quickly. I'll have to buy a scale at Wal-Mart.

There is a sarcastic voice in my head, and I know it's not me, but it says, maybe if I get fat, Curtis will love me. Ha ha. He's dating a girl who looks so much like his mother, from a distance, that the first time I saw her, I thought that's who she was. She is about the same height and weight. 'Pleasantly plump,' and insecure about her weight, as some people have made fun of her and called her 'hippo,' even though she's not really that fat. She will probably lose weight as I think she's moved out of her parents' house - that usually makes people lose weight. Her diet will change and so will her environmental illnesses, whatever drug residues, mold, and anything else might be making people sick in her family's house, if anything is there. She will probably be thin after a while. She's going to be a nurse, a CNA, she said on facebook. She's not using facebook at all anymore, and neither is Curtis - I'm thinking maybe they moved into their own place and they don't have an internet connection at all right now. They don't need to socialize - they have each other. They're getting married.

I talked to him Sunday afternoon when we were both leaving, but we didn't get deep enough into our conversation. I haven't been able to look at him for several weeks, or just barely. I haven't been able to talk to him either, and have had few opportunities. He called out to me as I was walking to my car to leave, and I couldn't really hear him, so I said, 'what?' and looked past the bushes that were blocking my view, and I could see him sitting on the sidewalk waiting for Carrie to pick him up. I walked over to him because I couldn't hear if he was calling for me to come over, or what. I got there, and sat down next to him, and he said, 'I was just saying goodbye.' But I sat there while he smoked. I didn't leave. I felt that I probably should leave.

I had asked him earlier that day, 'Do you remember telling me to leave you alone?' (In a text message, after I had sent him a very long text message.) He said, 'Yes - as friends?' I didn't really understand that, and I started to cry, so I quickly walked away and I said, 'I had to find out whether it was really from you. You know why.' (Because of the hackers and the possibility that someone would be writing things to hurt me that weren't really from him.) I walked away, made it into the deli without crying, and then tried to go back to doing my job, but I couldn't, not for a minute, so I went into the back room of the deli, and I suppressed the sobbing in my throat, and then the tears started coming out. I cried for a minute, but not long, and then I was able to get back to work. I felt depressed and sick for several hours. I was affected by drug residues, but for right now, I will probably keep on being affected by various drugs, because I can't get away from them at the moment, so my feelings will be more intense and they will vary from day to day, with my mood swings.

When I sat next to him on the sidewalk I still remembered that I was leaving him alone. I wouldn't look directly at him, because looking at him is too intense. He is beautiful to me. I love to look into his eyes. I would love to touch him. So I looked at anything but him, and I sat there, cold and serious, talking to him like a 'friend.' We mostly talked about my work schedule, about how many hours I was getting at my two jobs right now. And he said that his life sucked, and every time it seemed like things were going okay, something else bad would happen and mess things up even more. I wanted to know what was going on, but there wasn't enough time to talk deeply. Carrie was on the way. And he asked me how I was doing, and I said, 'It's a long story.' 'I've got time,' he said, and I made a bitter smile, but said nothing. You don't have THIS MUCH time. I would love to tell you. But it's boring and depressing, and nobody understands it but me. For a chronic-fatigued person, most of my life is what happens in the world of my reading and writing on the computer, and the thoughts that I'm thinking while I lie in bed talking to the voices. That is my life. Nothing is really 'happening.' But I would tell you if I had a moment or two to relax. I would tell you a little bit of it. If I could find one tiny bit of hopefulness or something positive in it, I would tell you. I don't want to tell it to you while it's still hopeless and going nowhere. There's nothing you can do.

He told me that the store manager was bullying him - and I use the word 'bullying' because I read an online article about bullying today. Curtis himself didn't use that word. He just said that the store manager was talking to him and doing things to him that made him angry and he was sick of it. I've heard the way he talks to him. Curtis said that the store manager asked Brandon, 'Is Curtis texting?' right after Brandon himself had been texting. Curtis got in trouble for doing something that the department manager had been doing. He was walking around with him telling him what to do and talking to him like a child - I heard him. He said, 'CURTIIIIS.....' in a threatening tone the way you threaten a dog or a child with your voice. He isn't a child. He's a nineteen year old who looks like a young teenager because he has fetal alcohol syndrome, which causes him to be very small. (And that is why a hebephile like myself is so attracted to him.) So you have to talk to him with respect.

It wasn't long, only a couple minutes, that we sat coldly next to each other with a space in between us, not looking directly at each other, talking about things that weren't really deep.

I asked him, 'How did you and Carrie meet each other?' This was something I had wondered for a long time. 'At a party,' he said, and he said nothing else about that.

There are things I want to know. The voices in my head were wondering these things when I was bored at work that day, when I had nothing to do because I was working in the front part of the deli department and we had no customers, so we just stood there, and I stared at things, while standing next to Mary. I had asked Mary how she met her husband. And I wanted to ask, 'What do you think about when you have nothing to do?' Do you stare at the images? Do you contemplate them? Are they beautiful when you contemplate them?  I can't meditate or contemplate because of the zapping - every few seconds, my brain and body get a jolt that wakes me up. I can't focus my mind in the special way that makes you feel flow, the feeling of enjoyment you get from focusing deeply on something. But I didn't ask her that.

And the voices wanted me to ask her if she had ever had a broken heart. I didn't ask that either.

And I wondered if I was the only person who had ever felt this way, because it felt like I was alone in pain. Having a broken heart - it seems like I'm the only one who's ever experienced this. My broken heart is mine and only mine, and no one else knows what it's like. There are universal feelings that other people feel, even people you dislike, people who have nothing in common with you. They get broken hearts too and it hurts them the same way. So I wondered if anyone else on earth had ever had a broken heart.

I heard 'glitter in the air' on the way home. That might have been a puppet incident, I don't know, but it was an appropriate song. Have you ever...? Have you ever done this, or felt this way? Have you ever experienced this?

I didn't get to ask Curtis those questions. We talked about my work schedule. He said he would have a couple days off. Then Carrie showed up and he left.

He said, 'It was nice talking to you.'

Then I went to my car and got ready to go to work at McDonald's.

I'm working in the mornings. I'll see him more often. Just having him there near me makes me feel good, even if we don't get to talk. It's not like it used to be, when he worked evenings, alone, and he often came over and chatted for many minutes (when he wasn't supposed to). Or he'd ask for my help. It didn't matter what we did, we were spending time together, and sometimes I was able to open up and tell him things. He doesn't work evenings anymore. That's probably best. It's hard for him to get all the work done when he's alone in the evenings, but in the day, he has other people there, and they can make sure he gets his work done. It's easier when other people are around. I don't want him to lose his job. And the way the store manager has been bugging him lately, he is at risk, especially if something happens, like an unexcused call-off. If he leaves, it will break my heart - I will grieve, I will get over it - but I will feel like there's no reason for me to work there anymore. I don't love anyone there the way I love him. I don't look forward to anything but him.

The Order, continued

This is a temporary URL - I don't like it, it's clunky and cumbersome.  I'm writing the rules of the order in one place, online, all of the rules that I have written on paper but never published in an organized way yet. OrderOfRetmeishka.wordpress.com.  I might leave the URL that way or I might change it.  Right now I'm just getting it all out there.  This will make it easier for me when I put up advertisements.  I will direct people to look at the website.  The rules will be listed, and the reasons for them.  There will be enough space to explain everything in more detail.  It would be too big of a book if it were written on paper, although I will eventually need to have it printed on paper as well.

If you go there, you will see a couple of 'dummy' web pages where I just wrote silly stuff.  They're not done yet.  Some of the pages are real and some aren't.  They're also not in any particular order, so it's a mess and it will change gradually as I organize it.

The goal is to persuade other people to believe what I believe, value what I value, and do what I do.  (Or, do what I want to do but haven't been able to do yet.)

Yeah, my email's getting intercepted

I had a big spike in the number of viewers on the blog, the day that I mentioned the blog in my advertisement, but I still haven't gotten emails except for the ones that have been changed to fake spam letters. I'm sure I would have gotten hate mail or something, anything at all, such as 'Who are you to create your own religion?' or 'What is this fad diet you're talking about? There's no scientific data supporting that,' or something. Not even a word of hate mail. I'd think people were curious or hostile or even just bored enough to send me a letter telling me what a moron I am, but no, not a word. Not a single word about 'Is this a joke?' or anything.

I missed the second meeting of the Order because of the snowstorm. I'm the only member attending the meeting, of course, and it's not really a meeting - it's just me giving people the opportunity to talk to me without getting their emails or phone calls intercepted by hackers. I don't have a meeting agenda or application forms for people to fill out or anything formal at all. I still need to do more hackerproof advertisements and communication methods - which means, pieces of paper hung up on bulletin boards in the real world. I wouldn't care so much if all the hackers did was snoop and read the email, but no, they have to intercept it and actually prevent me, or the other person, from getting it.

I am having a bad week. The chemical sensitivity problem is out of control and I think it's the reason why I'm having heart attack symptoms - temporary, transient heart attacks that happen occasionally, several times a day. I think it is caused by grayanotoxin poisoning. That began on the day when I was 'encouraged' to go take photos up-close of the rhododendrons in Black Moshannon, and I got the poison on the bottom of my shoes and tracked it into my car. But I'm pretty sure it also comes from other members of that family, and my new apartment has two plants, which I think are domesticated azaleas, and they are also poisonous. They are in a couple places beside the parking lot, and I have to walk right next to one in order to get in and out of the laundry room.

Why don't people know about transdermal poisoning? Why doesn't the mainstream culture know that the whole rhododendron family is poisonous? First, people are taught that the only way to be poisoned is by eating something. Since we have enough food in the grocery store, we don't usually go foraging, so nobody bothers teaching their kids to recognize and avoid the local poisonous plants. They know that the kids won't ever have any reason to go eating wild plants. And since eating is 'the only' way to get poisoned, we don't need to worry about knowing anything about them at all.

I searched on the net for 'heart attack' and 'rhododendrons.' There was one news article I found about a guy who dropped dead of a heart attack while judging the rhododendrons at a show of the Rhododendron Society, or something like that. They said, 'At least he died while doing something he loved.' I can't believe that they don't know he died BECAUSE of doing something he loved! Touching and handling any plants in the rhododendron family is suicidal.

Plant poison goes directly through the skin. You can get it by touching the plant or by walking next to the plant and getting it on your shoes. You can inhale the rhododendron poison if you drive past the plants in your car. When a hunter dies of a heart attack out in the woods, or when a seven year old cub scout dies suddenly of a heart attack while hiking in New Mexico (yes, I read some news article with something like that, but I might have the details wrong), it probably happens because they touched a poisonous plant next to the hiking trail and didn't know it. Out in the desert, it might be a species of Ephedra. Here in Pennsylvania, it's rhododendron that kills you.

So I have to patch up the parts of the carpet that have gotten contaminated, which means I will be laying down cardboard boxes all over the floor, and waiting until I can buy my own house, possibly a trailer or RV, where I can have vinyl floors instead of carpets, and I don't have to worry about landlords or handymen coming into the house and tracking stuff around because they don't know that I have certain areas where you can walk or where you can't.

I need to get in touch with the self-reliance people and the survivalists. I know that some of them are connected with Libertarians and other minarchist-anarchist groups. They know more about getting off the grid, living in an RV, and other things you can do to drastically reduce your rent payments. I agree with FSK and others who have argued that property taxes are just another type of rent paid to the government, for all practical purposes. I've had to cut my work hours because of the heart problem and I shouldn't have to work so many hours anyway just to pay my rent.

It would be very difficult for me to get a roommate when I have this contamination and chemical sensitivity. Still, I'm considering getting a roommate. That would reduce my rent, but not enough. It would help - I'd pay only about $200 instead of $400 (it's actually $415 right now - it went up) - but I'd like to cut it more than that, but it's illegal to put more people into a 'single' apartment even though it's a huge place and I could fit six people in there if they had a minimalist lifestyle without many belongings, or kept their belongings in storage. It violates the fire codes or something if you have too many people.

So anyhow, though, about the meetings, I'm not quitting, since I enjoy going and reading a book at Barnes & Noble for its own sake, and I usually do that on my days off. The official time is Tuesdays, 7:00 - 8:00 PM, at Barnes & Noble in State College, PA. Anybody who has experienced problems with telephones or email would be able to talk to me there. It's hard to approach a total stranger who seems to be absorbed in reading Harry Potter, but I can read the book anytime - it can wait. I might sit someplace else, maybe not next to the cafe, but I'll be in there someplace.

There will also be some ads written on paper hung up in physical locations around the area, but I haven't made those yet. I also need a web page where the details are written down neatly, so that people can go glance at it. I need a paper leaflet that can be handed out too.

I keep thinking about Diana Leafe Christian's books about intentional communities, about which ones fail and which ones succeed.

This doesn't involve any large amounts of money. The only money involved is the cost of transporting yourself to Barnes & Noble at that particular hour of the day, whether it's by bus or by car, and whether you have to take a day off work or change your schedule in order to get there. So I don't have the problem that the intentional communities have, where you need to find trustworthy people who will make payments on the land that they buy in your community, and hundreds of thousands of dollars are at stake. I like to say, 'This is nothing.' There's nothing going on, except people talking about unusual topics that people don't usually talk about. I get voices in my head responding to the fact that I put up an advertisement for the Order. They were all excited about it, and also, uncertain - are we doing the right thing? So I keep saying, this is nothing. All we're doing is meeting people and talking.

I want to think my own thoughts and feel my own feelings without being controlled. I want to speak my own words, read a book without getting zapped and distracted, pay attention when I'm having a conversation with someone, interpret things the way I want to interpret them, look at the future and make my own plans, use my insight to understand the world, without being attacked. For that, I need some technical people who can advise me about how to build a shield - although the first prototype shields are just low-tech, cheap things that don't work very well - but in the long run there will have to be shielded rooms that actually work. People need someplace to go, temporarily, where they can't be attacked. They need someplace to sleep without having any dreams and without being woken up every hour or two and forced to remain awake after having had only a couple hours of sleep every day.

personality type again; the religious order

Yesterday they told me I was a Four, and not an ISTP but an ISFP. (I'm having a hard time writing - for a variety of reasons, I'm having a chemical sensitivity reaction right now.) The people who zap me whenever I try to 'look within' by meditating have also been forcing me to believe that I was this type, or that type, around and around the enneagram, all this time, instead of telling the truth.

I tested my laptop - it's working. That's a great relief. I haven't tested my other computer yet. I'm guessing that it's okay if the laptop is okay. I looked at my old photos from a few months ago when it was still summertime. I took pictures of the duckpond and also videos. When I watched the videos, I felt like I was playing Myst. I could put together videos into some kind of Myst-like walkthrough game.

Last night when I woke up, there was an incident of voices telling me a very negative interpretation of a person. Then, later on, other voices were going against that interpretation and telling me something which fits more with my official assumptions. My official assumption is this: Everyone on earth today, I assume they are puppets. I assume they are not in control of their own actions, that they were born into a mind control system, and that this system, and its operators, take advantage of their vulnerabilities, but that's not the same as saying that they decided to do some particular thing themselves. People are not free to do things on their own, not at this time in history.

They let me attempt to think of what to write next, for about ten seconds. Then I got zapped. When thinking of what to write, I think of my audience and the purpose I am trying to accomplish. This blog is not a purpose-oriented or goal-oriented blog, which means that it serves the purposes of the murderers. It sends hidden messages, or open and obvious messages, to whoever THEY want to talk to. It is not MY purposes or goals.

Soul-Time: They, and I, had been using this phrase to try to describe what exactly it is that the murderers are destroying. They do not physically kill your body permanently. They also do not permanently destroy your brain - or rather, they usually don't, but they can, and they sometimes do. What they usually destroy is the time that you spend alive, being yourself, being who you are. The amount of time you spend being yourself is drastically reduced, or nonexistent. You spend a few seconds here and there being free, being who you are. It is indeed a permanent murder, because that time cannot be undone, it cannot be redone, it cannot be brought back. They have murdered the hours of your life. However, if they stop zapping you, your soul will immediately reawaken, but time will have been lost, and memories will not have been made, that ought to have been made. You ought to reawaken, and remember decades and decades of being yourself, all the time, but instead, when you reawaken, you remember decades of being a slave, or a zombie, or a puppet, or however you describe it - you remember decades of being something other than yourself, doing things you would not have done.

Why is this different from simply talking to people and being influenced by them? Real people in the real world interact with us and influence us all the time. It's different because with electronic attackers, we can't choose to leave. We are zapped awake over and over again every night, and we get only a couple hours of sleep, because somebody decided that sleep either isn't that important, or it's not profitable for their entertainment scheme, or it would allow you to have too much freedom and your mind would heal itself from the damage that they do to you. In a real relationship, we can choose to walk away, and we don't get zapped awake all night long by someone forcing us to hear them talking about things. We don't get hypnotized in our dreams to do things we don't want to do, in a real relationship. We don't 'rehearse' every word of a future conversation that we are going to have with somebody. (All 'REHEARSALS' are fake: there is NO SUCH THING as rehearsing a conversation in advance, unless you are preparing for a formal speech. If you EVER find yourself 'practicing' what you are going to say to somebody days, or hours, or minutes before you say it, IT IS FAKE. You are being forced to say those words, and they 'test' how you react to the words they are forcing you to say. It means you are being forced to tell lies. Whatever you would have said in the real world, it was something different.) We don't get fake emotions and fake urges and impulses that make us get up and go do something else instead of whatever we were doing. In a real relationship, we don't get puppet words put in our mouth (or our blogs) that will permanently damage our relationships and make people never trust us again.

I am continuing to write the rules of the Order. I'm not just writing more and more rules. Instead, I'm organizing them, categorizing them, deciding what's most important, and rephrasing them and simplifying them, so that it can be expressed as a small, simple rule to follow, instead of a long paragraph of rambling commentary. There are a small number of core rules or basic rules, and then there are a lot of secondary rules that are less central or less important.

The central rule or belief of the Order is about electronic mind control: if you can't get past that particular core belief, then you are not in the Order. That is its main belief, the idea that all of who we are, all of what we experience, is constantly vulnerable to being controlled by external attackers. I don't know if everyone IS being controlled, but I know that they CAN be controlled. It's impossible to pray, or meditate, or psychoanalyze, or look within, or even ask the simple question 'Why?' to anyone on earth today, without getting some kind of lies or fake, distorted answer instead of whatever they themselves would have said.

Everyone everywhere is constantly vulnerable to being controlled, but it might not always happen. Again, I don't know how much everyone else is targeted and controlled. Some people seem to attract more attention from the murderers than other people do, so the people who are being ignored are, probably, being themselves most of the time. Some of the system is computer-controlled, using artificial intelligence, so it doesn't require constant human supervision. That automated system is constantly interacting with everybody, regardless of whether those people are 'targeted' or not. But this is only my theory or observation or opinion. I haven't proven it.

I'm glad I read Diana Leafe Christian's books about intentional communities. I am using a lot of the things that I remember from those books. They talked about how to do the right things to make an intentional community survive. There are lots of groups that fail, or that never really start up. You can't just sit around with a bunch of people talking about what you'd like to do. There has to be a membership process and it has to be formal and serious. You have to actually 'apply' to join the group. And the group has to be able to say 'no' to a lot of people.

In the beginning, when the group is weak, you have to work with like-minded people. Later on, when it's stronger, has more resources and more members, more momentum and more routines, you can allow people to join even if they are less like-minded. So in the beginning, there will be very strict rules about what you have to do to enter the group, but later on it will not have to be so strict.

So that's why I said that rule number 1, 'mind control,' is the one crucial belief that you have to 'get past' in order to join. If you don't agree with those beliefs, you're not in the Order. (I didn't write down all the specific beliefs, but it's stuff like, believing that it really exists and it's happening in the world today, and also, choosing NOT to use those weapons on people without their consent.) That is one of its core reasons for existing. The rest of it is family-oriented and health-oriented, so that we can raise children who are mentally and physically as healthy as we can make them. This is because we are planning for a long future, WITHOUT some kind of apocalypse destroying the world, and so I am thinking of the world my children and descendants will live in. Raising healthy children is the best way that I know to prevent people from becoming criminals and murderers.

found more computer stuff; religious order continued

Today I found the monitor, the laptop, a few accessories like the mouse and the cords and the speakers, and the data disks. I'm not sure if the other hard disk is in one of those boxes, but I have a vague idea where it could be if it isn't. That disk malfunctioned (when I still lived at the other apartment) and I was going to try to salvage it - it looks like it was going to cost a lot of money to do that.

I haven't tested any of them yet. I'm dreading that project. I know it's possible to freeze electronic devices and they will still work, but I don't know the details, and I'm afraid it's not good to freeze and thaw them over and over again.

However, I'm happy I found them. That project is one of the important things I wanted to get done during my vacation, and I did it.

***

The Order: I said it was vaporware. It's actually paperware. I've written more of the details in a notebook. It's a collection of things that I think are so important, everybody should be doing them - or at least, that's how I was looking at it to help me focus on what should be included in the rules, and what shouldn't.

Because I've been studying the Ichazo's Instincts recently, I noticed that the 'belief clusters' could be grouped by instincts: self-preservation, social, and sexual. My strongest area was self-preservation. I had the largest number of specific beliefs in that area, beliefs about what type of food is good for you and what's healthy for the body. I'm still not sure whether my second strongest instinct is sexual or social - and no matter how much I think about it, I'm still not sure of the answer yet. 'They' keep wanting to insist that it's the sexual instinct, and I'm inclined to agree with that, but I'm not sure.

From the Riso and Hudson enneagram book (which is still in storage somewhere, and I can't look at it) I remember that later in the book, they showed connections between the enneagram and things that other authors had written. Each enneagram type has some kind of relationship with either the protective figure or the nurturing figure. I don't remember the name of the theory this was connected with.

Anyway, I categorized the 'rules' (I can barely write right now because I am being bombarded with some kind of garbage and they're messing up all of my sentences) into six groups, by the three instincts and then by 'positive' or 'negative' for each one - which was similar to 'nurturing' or 'protective.' Let me explain it differently. You can talk about 'good things to do' or 'bad things to avoid / problems to solve'. I was vaguely thinking of 'nurturing' or 'protecting', but also thinking in terms of 'positive' or 'negative' for each one. Was the rule warning someone about a danger or problem that should be avoided, or was it talking about the 'right things to do' or 'healthy things' in that category?

I'm running out of time, but I'll log in again - I have another hour.

Back again... So, I noticed that the needs of different instincts can be in conflict with each other. Depending on which instinct is your strongest one, you choose what to do to serve that instinct (I am still having a lot of trouble writing: this is all a bunch of puppet-words crap and I can't write it in my own words. Every word is a battle and they are blanking me out and just putting words in my mouth.). An example is when the sexual types are seeking 'intense experiences,' they might use recreational drugs, which is in conflict with self-preservation, since it can be dangerous to their health.

The idea was that the religion is supposed to support all three of the instincts, so that they can avoid common dangers and can get what they need. There are big, obvious problems going on in society that are preventable and avoidable - it's possible to prevent children from ever becoming overweight, if you follow a few simple rules during pregnancy and early childhood (DON'T GIVE THEM BABY FORMULA! BREASTFEED THEM! THE END!). And yes, the all caps thing is kind of a joke, because it might not be that simple. Anyway, prevent the big obvious problems going on in the modern world, and make sure people have what they need and feel more fulfilled in life.

There will always be people who don't like the lifestyle of a particular religious community, and decide they want to leave it. If they grew up in a family that followed these rules, they would still be better off, for the rest of their lives, because they were protected during their early childhood, the most vulnerable time when the most permanent damage can be done to a person.

If the computer works and I get it up and running again, it might not be a good thing. It's possible to waste huge amounts of time just passively surfing the internet and reading one random thing after another. I kind of liked it that I had to stay focused on my minimal number of books that I had, and I was studying bookkeeping and doing the Schaum's Outline exercises. Still, I had to get the computer stuff out of storage so that I wouldn't be worried about it freezing (even though it's already too late and they've already frozen many times).

There are unsettled issues and unanswered questions, and I wrote down those topics. Should the order require people to do X? Should it forbid them to do Y? Compliance is a gradual process that takes years. I myself am NOT compliant with many or most of the rules I was writing. It took several decades for me to learn the things I know now, and believe the things I believe now.

So I see compliance as something that you do as a series of achievements, and, while it won't be exactly like this, I'm thinking of the Boy Scouts and their merit badges. You gradually get one merit badge after another. You don't just jump into it and comply perfectly with all of the rules from the very first day. It's a lifestyle change and it takes a long time, and it is greatly helped by having social support - for instance, it's very hard to cook healthy foods every day, so it would be helpful to have a group of people who shared cooking duties, or a store where all of the 'approved' foods were sold, or something like that. I don't want to command people to do something, but then it's impossible for them to actually do it. I want it to be possible and I want it to be easier for them to do it, so it's more likely to actually happen. I want to have realistic expectations. That's why it will be a gradual process of achieving compliance with the various rules over time.

I'll explain more about it later.