Loving a Six; Survivor's Joy

I'm not sure where to start.  Writing a blog is different from writing in my paper journal at home.  In the paper journal, I don't worry about what the voices are forcing me to say, because nobody is reading it.  But when people read the things they force me to say, there are consequences.

I make lots of mistakes when I try to guess people's enneagram types, including my own, especially because they constantly attack me whenever I try to look within myself to understand.  I can't think a single thought without being attacked, so I have to passively wait while somebody else suggests enneagram types and then 'tests' me to see if I fit that type.

I picked up a different enneagram book by a different author, and it made it easier for me to understand Type Five.  I fit the description in that book better than the Riso and Hudson book.  The R&H book is very abstract.  'Fear of being overwhelmed' and 'the world is closing in on you' and that type of thing - it's hard for me to see that in my real life.  But in the other book, she described it more like, being afraid to feel.  Feelings are too intense, so you avoid all strong feelings.  If something makes you feel too strongly, you avoid it.  That's more understandable to me than the description in the other book.  I forget the author's name, but it was on the shelf above the R&H book at Barnes & Noble.  Anyway.

I thought this guy was a Six very soon after meeting him.  Again, I make lots of mistakes.  (I thought Morpheus from the Matrix was an Eight, but now I think he's probably a One.  And 'they' have sent me around and around the enneagram trying on, like, at least five different types by now, not knowing what I am.)  But I think this guy is a Six.  He has issues with fear and courage, authority, defiance, phobic and counterphobic behavior, trust, and most of the other things that go with Six.

I'm using the L-word, the four-letter L-word with a V instead of a K, because, in my old age, I've decided that it's okay to use the word 'love' to describe the feeling that I have for some people.  I think that I stopped using the word 'love' because of the fights I had with Terry as a teenager.  Terry used to interrogate me every time I said that I loved him.  He would question it and doubt it and out-argue me by saying things that didn't make sense.  I couldn't win an argument against him, because he would make statements that were totally illogical and I couldn't even understand the idea behind them.  Every time I said I loved him, it led to a big fight about whether my love was real and whether I would still love him tomorrow and what I would DO to prove that I loved him and whether I was lying or telling the truth and whether I was really human or just some evil demon wearing a fake human costume.  It was impossible to get him to believe that I loved him.  So I had to avoid using that word if there was the slightest weakness or uncertainty in it.

So I've gone all these years saying that I don't love this person or that person, not for real, because of all these reasons, like, 'I don't know him very well,' or 'We don't spend much time together,' or 'I'm not planning on marrying him,' or whatever.  There's always a reason why I can't call it love.

'They' started urging me to use that word again, with Peter.  I've done things that demonstrate that I love him.  I even moved to Bellefonte to be closer to him, when I had to leave the duckpond apartment, and I hate driving a long way to go to work and to go shopping in State College, but I did that for Peter.  It felt terrible being stuck in State College while he was stuck in Bellefonte after they became unable to drive their cars (he and his wife both cannot drive right now - he lost his license because the doctor took it away since he gets low blood sugar, which makes you drive like you're drunk, and his wife can't drive because of some insurance and paperwork problems that haven't been resolved).  That's just one example.

I've been thinking that there's no such thing as a perfect relationship.  For a long time now, I already believed there was no such thing as 'The One,' your one single soul mate, the one and only person you ever will love, out of the seven billion people on earth and out of all the future people who will be born, only one.  I don't believe that.  I think it's possible to love many different people, and each relationship is unique, and you love different people in different ways for different reasons.  It's true, sometimes your feelings are stronger or weaker, more intense or less intense.  Some relationships are easier or harder, healthier or unhealthier.  But there isn't a perfect relationship where you can get everything you need from one person.  I always used to think that the 'perfect' relationship would be called 'love,' and I'd be able to use that word to describe it, but only that perfect relationship.  Now, I'm changing that.  I can call it 'love' even if they aren't the one-and-only perfect ultimate soulmate out of all the humans in the universe.

I'm afraid that either he or I will get fired or quit, and we won't be able to see each other at work; and then I won't be able to call him or text him, because the phone will get hacked, and my messages will get blocked.  Right now we've had a few back-and-forth text messages, not many, but a few.  I still can't get him to say 'yes' or 'no' to anything.  He gives me very, very small 'yes' signals sometimes but I have very strong denial and disbelief - I believe it's hopeless and futile and I shouldn't bother trying.  My urge is always to give up and quit.

He brought his new girlfriend with him one day and I saw them walking around together.  At first glance I thought she was his mother (I know his mother, I used to work with her) but then I looked again and realized this was some new person I hadn't seen before.  So there was a few minutes of torture where I could see them and I could not stop myself from looking, and at first I was smiling, happy to see him, and then when I figured out that this was some unknown female, I stopped smiling and started feeling like I wanted to cry.  Some random person gets to walk around with him and be with him for hours and hours, while I don't get any time with him at all, barely a few minutes, once in a while if we're lucky enough to work together, and we have to constantly worry that we'll get in trouble for talking instead of working, so we can't really talk at work either, and yes, there is a real risk of being fired right now - lots of people really are getting fired, and they didn't even get a warning.  So basically I can't talk to him at all.  I don't even know how he met this girl or how long they've known each other.

Then he came over and talked to me, and all of a sudden I wasn't feeling as miserable, and I was able to talk and it seemed like it was okay.  She's nice enough and she seems like a type Nine.  She reminded me a bit of Caitlin, who also seems like a Nine.  (I could be wrong - it's only a guess.)  I was grateful that he was being nice to me, coming over and saying hello - that seemed like a nice thing to do - it made me feel somewhat better anyway.  (From another way of looking at it, it seems like he's 'being mean' instead of being nice - after all he's walking around with his girlfriend in front of me when I've told him how I feel.)  But not being able to get any clear communication, not being able to get any clear 'yes' or 'no' or 'what time is a good time to call?' kind of thing - that's what's frustrating me right now.  I can't even call him on the phone 'as a friend.'  I can't even get him to say that I'm a friend and that we are able to talk to each other or hang out together as 'friends.'

I've given him a couple paper notes along with text messages.  I gave him a note recently and when I handed it to him, he looked at me, and all of a sudden, I had to leave very quickly.  It was involuntary, I had no control over it, I had to walk away.  I held up my hand to sort of wave goodbye, but it was also to block him out.  This is what I mean about avoiding strong feelings.  If I am too close to him or if I look at him I have to stop looking.  It wouldn't be so bad if we were away from work.  At work I am constantly afraid because of the context:  'I'm gonna get fired, I'm gonna get fired' is the thought that's always in my mind all day long at work.  I'm going to get fired because I'm not doing enough.  I have chronic fatigue and chemical sensitivity reactions and it's always something, I can't get much work done, I'm gonna get fired.  So anything that puts me at risk of being fired is very threatening.  If I see him or if I'm close to him, I can't touch him at work, and if I get the slightest urge to touch him, I have to walk away or distract my attention or do whatever I can to stop it from happening.

I'm going to have to log out and log back in in a minute here.  But the phrase 'Survivor's Joy' is something I was saying to myself recently.  I have told him a little bit about the misery and suffering my life, about the problems I have, the things that I'm worried about.  But he's never seen me when I was happy and safe and didn't have all these terrible things going on.  The joy underneath the misery is my big 'secret'.  I'm not keeping it secret on purpose.  It's just something nobody can see.  They see that I'm sick and tired all the time, that I work too many hours, that all my projects are postponed, that I still haven't had any children, that I can't finish writing a song, that I can't sleep at night.

'Survivor's Joy' means that when these problems are taken away, I will instantly bounce back to being happy again, if I don't have to deal with the drug residues anymore, and if I slept at night without being attacked by the murderers waking me up.

When they're testing and interrogating me, they ask me what he has to gain in a relationship with me.  Then they try to say (speaking for me instead of letting me speak for myself) that the 'correct' answer is that I'm supposed to be this knowledgeable person who's doing big, important things, like starting my own religion, changing the world, fixing the problems in society, that I know things nobody else knows, and I talk about things that nobody else talks about, and that's what he's supposed to gain by being with me.  But that's not the answer that I want to give.

Why would somebody want to be with me?  Because I have this joy underneath the misery that everyone else sees - this misery feels temporary - it only began recently, in adulthood, but I had a good childhood and I still see the world that way.  The murderers, the chemical sensitivity, the exhaustion and insomnia and working too many hours while the IRS takes away all my income, and the fiat money system combined with the property taxes raises the land prices so my rent is too high... all these things began after I became an adult.  Feeling like a slave and a victim of attackers that I can't avoid, and overwhelming health problems - that's all anyone else can see when they look at me.  But I've enjoyed being alive, sometimes, and I hope I will again.

I expect that in the future, a lot of these problems will change or be gone and I will have a chance to be happy again.  I see the problems as temporary.  The murderers are always there and they always attack, now that they've begun attacking, and I'm not saying that the murderers are going to suddenly stop being evil and insane and inhuman.  I'm saying that, even in spite of the murderers, some of my problems can still be solved and some of my life can still be improved.  And I'm not in the mood to talk about what needs to be done about finding the murderers and stopping them from zapping people, and preventing new attackers from doing it, and hunting them down and finding them when they do, and shutting down the entire system that's being used to attack people - I'm not talking about that right now.  I'm just talking about the relatively small problems that are making me suffer right now.  Some of them are solvable, and when they are gone, I will immediately be much happier and much more at ease.  That's the phrase 'survivor's joy' that I am talking about, surviving something and being alive again after it's over.

Every time I talk about hope, or about things getting better, or about being happy in the future, the murderers immediately threaten to attack me, and they did it just now while I was writing.  As soon as I started talking about this, they started threatening to find more and more terrible ways to constantly ruin my life so that I would suffer a neverending burden of terrible misery forever.  They told me that they were going to find some new problem for me to deal with as soon as I fixed the problems I was dealing with right now.  That is why I call them evil and insane, because they cannot just leave people in peace.  They are not doing any good for the world, they are doing evil, by not leaving people alone.

So they want to make it look like I have some secret knowledge or special skill that would make it worthwhile to be in a relationship with me.  But I don't.  All of my 'knowledge' is knowledge that came from misery and suffering, and to me, that doesn't count as real knowledge.  Joy and happiness are just as real as pain and misery.  I know how to prevent and cure certain kinds of health problems; I know how to do other things that I've learned or observed or read in books, but that's not the same as my knowledge of how it feels to be happy and alive.  I want to share something good with people in my relationships, not just my misery.

I have been very unhappy for a very long time now, and it goes on and on, and there's always some new problem that resulted from the murderers forcing me to do new 'experiments' that are intended for me to 'learn' some terrible new danger that I didn't know about, some new poison or drug or chemical that I never encountered before, some new method of attacking and hurting people, some new way of hacking computers to spy on me wherever I go, some new way of reading my mind and controlling my thoughts and destroying my soul.

From everyone else's point of view, it looks like it's just me, doing stupid things to myself over and over again - that's what my parents think.  Anytime I've written a letter home to my parents to tell them good news, the murderers attack immediately - for instance, every now and then in the past I'd write home to tell them that I got a raise at work, or something, and my parents would be happy about it, and the murderers would instantly cause some disaster to happen to destroy my parents' approval - they always responded very strongly if my parents ever approved of me for even an instant - one of their main goals has been to make me look really bad to my parents.  My parents don't believe in electronic mind control, and they say that I'm just crazy and I'm hurting myself because I'm crazy.  The murderers want them to believe that.  Ruining my reputation, especially my reputation with my parents, is their goal.

That is why I call them insane, because they can't just ignore me and go their own separate way and leave me alone - instead, they have to be focused on me and obsessed with me and competing against me and having their pathetic little egos threatened by everything I do and by every success that I have and all of my talents and intelligence and all of my achievements.  I don't even know them, I don't even know who they are, but they're obsessed with me and they won't go away.

Let me mention that there are different ways of attacking someone and different degrees of how bad it is.  If somebody made a homemade cheap little device to put voices in someone's head and they occasionally talked to someone that way, it's one thing.  That is a relatively small type of attack.  The attack that I am complaining about, the total life-ruining attack, is some kind of 'beam,' and I call it that because I have no other way to describe it, since I don't know what it is - it is some kind of beam that follows me around CONSTANTLY, as in, every second of every minute of every hour of every day of the entire year.  It literally follows me constantly no matter where I go.  It puts music in my head, constantly, in the background, and words into my mouth, constant speech, and it zaps me if I try to think a single independent thought for a single second of my own free will.  That is the life-ruining soul murder that I am complaining about.

So if some random person just made a homemade device to put voices in my head occasionally, THAT'S NOTHING in comparison to the system being used to follow me everywhere I go, and it is a much, much, MUCH smaller crime in comparison.  I don't know how it's done, so I can't describe it, and it doesn't necessarily HAVE to be a 'beam,' it could be a 'field', I don't know, an electromagnetic field that surrounds me but it's broadcasting a frequency that only I can hear, or something.  I am comparing those two types of attacks to put it into perspective, because the hatred I feel towards the 'system' people is much worse than what I feel towards the random criminals using low-tech equipment that they bought or made at home.  And yes, those random people are able to do terrible damage too, but so far I have been lucky - the worst attacks were in the beginning, and those mostly stopped happening, and now instead I have the constant surveillance beam-or-whatever.  I think that I am lucky, in comparison to all the other attack victims that I've read.

Eleanor White said somewhere (I probably won't be able to find it on her web page) that she doesn't like to talk about electromagnetic hypersensitivity because it will 'derail' the conversation into the wrong direction.  She doesn't want it to take away the focus on criminals attacking.

However, I disagree with that somewhat.  It's true, the murderers attacking is much worse than just the background radiation that surrounds us.  But if you don't understand electrosensitivity, then you don't understand why the murderers attacking and surveilling constantly is so harmful.  A very low-level, weak radiation, beamed at you all the time, for the purpose of 'watching' you, is actually not just 'watching,' it is also disturbing and disrupting and influencing you.  I think of something called 'Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle.'  You can't know the exact position of a molecule, while also knowing its exact velocity (speed and direction), because in order to look at the molecule, you have to hit it with something which will knock it into a different direction.  The same thing happens with people.  When you shoot them with a surveillance beam, they behave differently, because the weak, low-level beam is disrupting their body and their mind constantly.

I call it soul murder or 'soul-time' murder, because it prevents your soul from expressing itself in the limited time you have on earth.  If you stopped attacking them, they would immediately come back to life, so it's not total permanent murder of the soul, it's 'temporary suppression.'  But since they never stop doing it, it is in fact permanent.  It goes on for years or decades, totally destroying lives.

Anyway, electrosensitivity explains why even the weak, low-level surveillance beam is harmful.  It disrupts the very weak, subtle signals in the brain and body in many ways, making people constantly uncomfortable and unable to function.  So it's still helpful to read about electrosensitivity even if you believe that the attackers are much more important to worry about.

I don't have much time left on this login, so I'll do a quick check to see if I missed anything and then I have to go.

'Trying On' enneagram type Five

Today I have a feeling of emotional numbness.  I feel like I've taken an antidepressant.  I've still been wearing some of the clothes that I wore to the doctors' offices, and every time I've gone to any of my various doctors' appointments recently, I've come home feeling like I hit antidepressant residues somewhere in the office.  It can be on the seat that I'm sitting on, or the table where I rest my arm while talking to the doctor, for instance.

I still sometimes wonder if someone has come into the house at night and drugged me, but I usually assume that I have hit residues somewhere, now that I know what I know, after all that I've experienced since I tried growing the herbs in my other apartment.  It could be either one - I don't put it past them to go into people's houses and give them drugs.

I think that some of it is a reaction to messing with my dental fillings.  I felt really weird at first whenever I got the fillings originally, so I could have released more of the bisphenol-A and other chemicals when I tried digging into it.

Today they want me to say that I'm a type Five.  I won't write it on my other page yet, but we are 'trying it on' for a few days.  Ever since I wrote that I was a type Four, I started hearing voices telling me I was a Five.  Since they won't let me think a single thought or perform any mental processes at all without zapping me, I can't see myself well enough or understand anything enough to decide what type I am.  I took the test a few times, and it gives you a couple different possible results, and they listed both Four and Five as possibilities. I was going to go take it again, but I see that it has a lot of questions and it will take a while.

Now that I am reading about Fives again, I have to start all over trying to decide what my instincts are.

It looks like I keep changing my type on purpose, to deceive people or annoy them, to mislead them, but that's not what I'm doing.  I really can't help it.  I have been reading about this for several years now and they just won't let me look into myself to understand anything:  that was one of the things that got destroyed when the attacks began, the ability to look inside myself and ask questions and understand myself.  So I really, actually cannot figure out what type I am, because I am being physically attacked whenever I try to use my brain.  And it probably seems obvious to everyone else.

This morning they were asking me about maybe buying a dental drill, making my own drill, or modifying a hand-cranked drill that I could buy at the store.  My mechanical skills are weak and they always have been.  I am better at people skills.  Whenever I first got the fillings and tried to ask the dentist to remove them for me, I was planning on writing a letter to him and trying to get him to help me take them out - I was going to have a conversation, ask him why he didn't want to do it, find out what he was afraid of, and try to persuade him.

But they decided that he was evil incarnate and that I absolutely must not have any further contact with him, and they wouldn't let me pay the bill to him either.  They wouldn't let me talk to him anymore or write a letter or try to negotiate anything.  I wasn't planning on trying to do mechanical things, I didn't want to - I wanted to just get a dentist to do it.

It's very hard to tell the truth right now, because of this feeling of emotional numbness and the fact that I am always a puppet who says only the words that they force me to say - I am incapable of speaking the truth of my own words.  I am not trying to tell lies on purpose.  I am saying what they force me to say.

It's hard to convey just how completely controlled I have been, and how totally fake all of my personality has been, since the attacks began.  It's true, I had been experiencing some types of attacks for years, for most of my life, but the TOTAL control, the total puppeteering phenomenon, is more recent and began in 2004.  The constant, 24/7 control with not a single moment of thinking my own thoughts without getting zapped - that's only since 2004.  All of the words that I write, all the thoughts I think and the feelings I feel, are fake.

The people controlling me are doing it very badly, which is obvious when you look at the hell that I have been living in.  They deny that the drug residues are real, and so they won't let me follow my own rules or deal with the drug residues my own way - they don't take it seriously.  They just declare me 'delusional' and try to force me out of bed and make me get to work every day.  They think that that's all I'm capable of, because I'm 'delusional,' or as they called it this morning, a 'malfunctioning avatar.'  (Yes, I've seen that movie.)  I keep trying to tell them, over and over and over, that nothing is going to get any better unless they take the drug residues seriously, and respect my methods of dealing with them.

This morning, while telling me I was a Five, they were asking me questions about why I do things a certain way - why I do this, why don't I do that.  The whisper-bombardment wouldn't let me answer - it started answering for me, instead of letting me use my insight to answer from within.  It gave me 'canned' words and phrases straight out of the enneagram book, like 'overwhelmed' - it started bombarding me with that word.  Every time any little thing went wrong, they started putting the word 'overwhelmed' into my head.

I can't even describe to you how completely they have destroyed and wiped out my existence, constantly.  It is every second of every minute of every hour of every day, fake words being spoken, fake thoughts and feelings, fake motives and ideas and sensations.  And they think it's okay to do this, because I don't show my feelings - I don't openly show them that I'm sad or angry, I don't react strongly, so they think it's okay to just torture this person out of existence, burn this person's skin and muscles and joints until she is forced to get up out of bed (after they forcibly prevent me from sleeping, then force me asleep for a very short time, during which all of my dreams are controlled, and then they force me awake, so that I am constantly deprived of real sleep), because I'm not crying or getting upset about it.  They think that I just don't have any feelings.

However, some of the voices that I hear are actually nice to me.  And we are looking at it this way:

There are seven billion people on earth.  And I've read some good authors over the years, authors who convinced me that they themselves sincerely value real freedom.  There are libertarians, anarchists, and objectivists who really do want to have freedom, externally and internally, even at their own risk.

(The voices always tell me that they are trying to protect me from danger, and that I might have died many times if they hadn't warned me about things - (I hate being forced to write their words) - but they themselves did a lot of things that prevented me from taking care of myself or things that put me at risk, and they could have used other methods of warning me about dangers, instead of putting words into my head or controlling me.)

I know that there are people in the world, not just authors I have read, but people around me, people nearby and far away, a minority of people who believe in real freedom at our own risk, freedom with responsibility.  The libertarians know about freedom from government, but they do not explicitly talk about freedom from mind control - not yet, anyway.  But there are real libertarians that I could talk to who at least understand the overall idea of real freedom, and not some illusion of freedom or nanny-state 'freedom' where we are actually being controlled.

Anyway the idea is that there is hope that I will be understood, because somebody out there agrees with me that my mind should be free.  So I am going to look for the people who sincerely believe in free will, and I know those people exist.

Did 4 people try to call me and not get through?; and, "I'm the boss"

I've had a few people contacting me in email about my ad for housecleaning and help with life in general. However, I wasn't getting calls from the people who looked at the laundromat ad on paper. That one had my home phone number on it. Today I met someone and talked with him in person about what I need to have done - he was someone who responded by email to my ad on Craigslist, not the laundromat ad.

On the way home, I stopped at the laundromat and saw that four (or five, it was hard to tell, I just glanced at it) of the tags had been pulled off my ad, which means people were interested. But I didn't have any messages from anyone on my machine, although last night, I got some kind of call from somebody who I still need to call back today. The home phone and answering machine are the one where I think I have had problems with people not getting through. I suppose I could buy a new answering machine, but I'm wondering whether the problems will still happen no matter what kind of answering machine I have, sort of like the calculator I bought which would malfunction at the same moment that I would hear voices and get a 'rage' attack.

What happens with that phone, from what I've been able to piece together, is that people call it, and hear a message answering them as though they've reached the machine. Then they talk to it and then it cuts off. No message is ever recorded, and I can't hear anything at all if I stand over it while they're talking. I just hear the ringing, then nothing. If I pick up the phone at that moment, nobody is there and I will get a dial tone. I can do *69, which I've tried occasionally, but I seem to remember that it would give me telemarketers and things like that. I verified that something was happening because I called back someone who I knew was trying to reach me, and she said yes, indeed she had heard a message and she had tried to say something and then had gotten disconnected, and wasn't sure if the message was ever recorded. I can't tell if it's only the answering machine, or if it is being tampered with, and I'd have problems no matter what kind of phone or machine I purchased.

"I'm the boss." - Instinctual Types. Some speculation that I might have a strong social instinct and might be a so/sx Four. Or maybe even an so/sp Four. While talking to this guy during the 'interview' today, I was in the 'superior' position, since I was the person offering to pay $25 a week for somebody to help me for a couple of hours. I'm never in a socially superior situation at my job - I'm not the one who decides how we do things around here, I just have to do what they tell me, and if I disagree with them, too bad. It feels good to be the person who decides how we are going to do things around here. People would do what I tell them to do, because I am paying them to do what I tell them to do. I don't have to fight and argue and try to convince people to believe me and go against the entire corporate culture of a big business whenever I don't like the way they do something. This is just me, by myself, asking somebody to help me cook and do my laundry and take out the trash because I'm too sick, miserable, depressed, and exhausted to do it myself on my days off.

So/Sx Fours do well if they have somebody supporting them as they accomplish their goals. They also can resemble Sevens because they're 'putting on a happy face' in a social environment. It might explain why they thought I was a Seven, especially since I get manic when I'm on drugs. So/Sx Four also is said to have a million different interests and projects that they can never complete, and that describes me. Problems with focusing on one project and getting it completely done, all by yourself - I can't do that very well, but I can work much better if other people are around me.

It's still hard to decide what my instinctual stacking is, because I 'have' all three instincts: everybody 'has' all three. Anytime I do something that has to do with self-preservation, I get bombarded by voices trying to convince me that self-preservation is my strongest instinct, but I am unable to look deeply or have insight into the situation, because the bombardment makes my brain shallow and unable to understand anything. The same happens if some situation involves the social instinct or the sexual instinct, and I try to look at it and see how it fits in with the rest of my life and my personality. Anytime I try to understand myself at all, I get hit with fake thoughts that prevent any real insight or understanding. Anyway, you can see the effects of all three instincts because, like I said, everybody 'has' them all, it's just the question of which ones are the strongest, the most well developed, the most relied upon, and which ones are the weakest.

I get manic when I think about what I could do if I hired people to work on projects with me. You can think about things like division and specialization of labor: when a group of people works together, one person can do this, while another person does that, and it all gets done faster and easier.

'Social critic.' That was part of the description of a Four with a strong social instinct. But I'm not looking like Rita Skeeter, the journalist who wants to dig up the dirt and the secrets on everybody. It's more like complaining about the entire culture in general, which might mean I'm a So/Sp. I complain that we're eating bad foods, using too many drugs, paying too many taxes, having too many economic boom and bust cycles, etc.

This is still only a theory. I'm 'trying on' the various instinctual stackings to see which ones seem to fit, and I can't think about it directly - instead, I have to just let 'them' decide when it's the right moment to 'inform' me about which type I am, because I am physically prevented from looking at myself, looking into my own mind.

I've found, through the years, that particular personality types get a bad rap, especially if you don't understand them properly. It happened when I first learned about personality types, in college, when my roommate took some kind of test that said she was an ISTJ, and I was curious about it and decided to go take the test myself. I got weird answers: INTP was my first result. Other times I got INFP, and sometimes INTJ. I took the test again, and again, and again, and I saw that there were four groups of questions in a certain order, and I figured out which letter each question was testing for.

There is a problem with how people interpret the questions about 'possibilities,' which will get you described as an 'N' when you are actually an SP artisan. The test needs to be rewritten. Anyway, from the beginning, when I started reading those books, I got the feeling that it was 'bad' to be a certain type. Some types were 'worse' than other types. So you try to avoid getting classified as that type. In the instinctual stackings, it's 'bad' to be an So/Sp, because those are 'social climbers' and 'politicians.' I don't FEEL like a social climber or politician!

personality type again; the religious order

Yesterday they told me I was a Four, and not an ISTP but an ISFP. (I'm having a hard time writing - for a variety of reasons, I'm having a chemical sensitivity reaction right now.) The people who zap me whenever I try to 'look within' by meditating have also been forcing me to believe that I was this type, or that type, around and around the enneagram, all this time, instead of telling the truth.

I tested my laptop - it's working. That's a great relief. I haven't tested my other computer yet. I'm guessing that it's okay if the laptop is okay. I looked at my old photos from a few months ago when it was still summertime. I took pictures of the duckpond and also videos. When I watched the videos, I felt like I was playing Myst. I could put together videos into some kind of Myst-like walkthrough game.

Last night when I woke up, there was an incident of voices telling me a very negative interpretation of a person. Then, later on, other voices were going against that interpretation and telling me something which fits more with my official assumptions. My official assumption is this: Everyone on earth today, I assume they are puppets. I assume they are not in control of their own actions, that they were born into a mind control system, and that this system, and its operators, take advantage of their vulnerabilities, but that's not the same as saying that they decided to do some particular thing themselves. People are not free to do things on their own, not at this time in history.

They let me attempt to think of what to write next, for about ten seconds. Then I got zapped. When thinking of what to write, I think of my audience and the purpose I am trying to accomplish. This blog is not a purpose-oriented or goal-oriented blog, which means that it serves the purposes of the murderers. It sends hidden messages, or open and obvious messages, to whoever THEY want to talk to. It is not MY purposes or goals.

Soul-Time: They, and I, had been using this phrase to try to describe what exactly it is that the murderers are destroying. They do not physically kill your body permanently. They also do not permanently destroy your brain - or rather, they usually don't, but they can, and they sometimes do. What they usually destroy is the time that you spend alive, being yourself, being who you are. The amount of time you spend being yourself is drastically reduced, or nonexistent. You spend a few seconds here and there being free, being who you are. It is indeed a permanent murder, because that time cannot be undone, it cannot be redone, it cannot be brought back. They have murdered the hours of your life. However, if they stop zapping you, your soul will immediately reawaken, but time will have been lost, and memories will not have been made, that ought to have been made. You ought to reawaken, and remember decades and decades of being yourself, all the time, but instead, when you reawaken, you remember decades of being a slave, or a zombie, or a puppet, or however you describe it - you remember decades of being something other than yourself, doing things you would not have done.

Why is this different from simply talking to people and being influenced by them? Real people in the real world interact with us and influence us all the time. It's different because with electronic attackers, we can't choose to leave. We are zapped awake over and over again every night, and we get only a couple hours of sleep, because somebody decided that sleep either isn't that important, or it's not profitable for their entertainment scheme, or it would allow you to have too much freedom and your mind would heal itself from the damage that they do to you. In a real relationship, we can choose to walk away, and we don't get zapped awake all night long by someone forcing us to hear them talking about things. We don't get hypnotized in our dreams to do things we don't want to do, in a real relationship. We don't 'rehearse' every word of a future conversation that we are going to have with somebody. (All 'REHEARSALS' are fake: there is NO SUCH THING as rehearsing a conversation in advance, unless you are preparing for a formal speech. If you EVER find yourself 'practicing' what you are going to say to somebody days, or hours, or minutes before you say it, IT IS FAKE. You are being forced to say those words, and they 'test' how you react to the words they are forcing you to say. It means you are being forced to tell lies. Whatever you would have said in the real world, it was something different.) We don't get fake emotions and fake urges and impulses that make us get up and go do something else instead of whatever we were doing. In a real relationship, we don't get puppet words put in our mouth (or our blogs) that will permanently damage our relationships and make people never trust us again.

I am continuing to write the rules of the Order. I'm not just writing more and more rules. Instead, I'm organizing them, categorizing them, deciding what's most important, and rephrasing them and simplifying them, so that it can be expressed as a small, simple rule to follow, instead of a long paragraph of rambling commentary. There are a small number of core rules or basic rules, and then there are a lot of secondary rules that are less central or less important.

The central rule or belief of the Order is about electronic mind control: if you can't get past that particular core belief, then you are not in the Order. That is its main belief, the idea that all of who we are, all of what we experience, is constantly vulnerable to being controlled by external attackers. I don't know if everyone IS being controlled, but I know that they CAN be controlled. It's impossible to pray, or meditate, or psychoanalyze, or look within, or even ask the simple question 'Why?' to anyone on earth today, without getting some kind of lies or fake, distorted answer instead of whatever they themselves would have said.

Everyone everywhere is constantly vulnerable to being controlled, but it might not always happen. Again, I don't know how much everyone else is targeted and controlled. Some people seem to attract more attention from the murderers than other people do, so the people who are being ignored are, probably, being themselves most of the time. Some of the system is computer-controlled, using artificial intelligence, so it doesn't require constant human supervision. That automated system is constantly interacting with everybody, regardless of whether those people are 'targeted' or not. But this is only my theory or observation or opinion. I haven't proven it.

I'm glad I read Diana Leafe Christian's books about intentional communities. I am using a lot of the things that I remember from those books. They talked about how to do the right things to make an intentional community survive. There are lots of groups that fail, or that never really start up. You can't just sit around with a bunch of people talking about what you'd like to do. There has to be a membership process and it has to be formal and serious. You have to actually 'apply' to join the group. And the group has to be able to say 'no' to a lot of people.

In the beginning, when the group is weak, you have to work with like-minded people. Later on, when it's stronger, has more resources and more members, more momentum and more routines, you can allow people to join even if they are less like-minded. So in the beginning, there will be very strict rules about what you have to do to enter the group, but later on it will not have to be so strict.

So that's why I said that rule number 1, 'mind control,' is the one crucial belief that you have to 'get past' in order to join. If you don't agree with those beliefs, you're not in the Order. (I didn't write down all the specific beliefs, but it's stuff like, believing that it really exists and it's happening in the world today, and also, choosing NOT to use those weapons on people without their consent.) That is one of its core reasons for existing. The rest of it is family-oriented and health-oriented, so that we can raise children who are mentally and physically as healthy as we can make them. This is because we are planning for a long future, WITHOUT some kind of apocalypse destroying the world, and so I am thinking of the world my children and descendants will live in. Raising healthy children is the best way that I know to prevent people from becoming criminals and murderers.

found more computer stuff; religious order continued

Today I found the monitor, the laptop, a few accessories like the mouse and the cords and the speakers, and the data disks. I'm not sure if the other hard disk is in one of those boxes, but I have a vague idea where it could be if it isn't. That disk malfunctioned (when I still lived at the other apartment) and I was going to try to salvage it - it looks like it was going to cost a lot of money to do that.

I haven't tested any of them yet. I'm dreading that project. I know it's possible to freeze electronic devices and they will still work, but I don't know the details, and I'm afraid it's not good to freeze and thaw them over and over again.

However, I'm happy I found them. That project is one of the important things I wanted to get done during my vacation, and I did it.

***

The Order: I said it was vaporware. It's actually paperware. I've written more of the details in a notebook. It's a collection of things that I think are so important, everybody should be doing them - or at least, that's how I was looking at it to help me focus on what should be included in the rules, and what shouldn't.

Because I've been studying the Ichazo's Instincts recently, I noticed that the 'belief clusters' could be grouped by instincts: self-preservation, social, and sexual. My strongest area was self-preservation. I had the largest number of specific beliefs in that area, beliefs about what type of food is good for you and what's healthy for the body. I'm still not sure whether my second strongest instinct is sexual or social - and no matter how much I think about it, I'm still not sure of the answer yet. 'They' keep wanting to insist that it's the sexual instinct, and I'm inclined to agree with that, but I'm not sure.

From the Riso and Hudson enneagram book (which is still in storage somewhere, and I can't look at it) I remember that later in the book, they showed connections between the enneagram and things that other authors had written. Each enneagram type has some kind of relationship with either the protective figure or the nurturing figure. I don't remember the name of the theory this was connected with.

Anyway, I categorized the 'rules' (I can barely write right now because I am being bombarded with some kind of garbage and they're messing up all of my sentences) into six groups, by the three instincts and then by 'positive' or 'negative' for each one - which was similar to 'nurturing' or 'protective.' Let me explain it differently. You can talk about 'good things to do' or 'bad things to avoid / problems to solve'. I was vaguely thinking of 'nurturing' or 'protecting', but also thinking in terms of 'positive' or 'negative' for each one. Was the rule warning someone about a danger or problem that should be avoided, or was it talking about the 'right things to do' or 'healthy things' in that category?

I'm running out of time, but I'll log in again - I have another hour.

Back again... So, I noticed that the needs of different instincts can be in conflict with each other. Depending on which instinct is your strongest one, you choose what to do to serve that instinct (I am still having a lot of trouble writing: this is all a bunch of puppet-words crap and I can't write it in my own words. Every word is a battle and they are blanking me out and just putting words in my mouth.). An example is when the sexual types are seeking 'intense experiences,' they might use recreational drugs, which is in conflict with self-preservation, since it can be dangerous to their health.

The idea was that the religion is supposed to support all three of the instincts, so that they can avoid common dangers and can get what they need. There are big, obvious problems going on in society that are preventable and avoidable - it's possible to prevent children from ever becoming overweight, if you follow a few simple rules during pregnancy and early childhood (DON'T GIVE THEM BABY FORMULA! BREASTFEED THEM! THE END!). And yes, the all caps thing is kind of a joke, because it might not be that simple. Anyway, prevent the big obvious problems going on in the modern world, and make sure people have what they need and feel more fulfilled in life.

There will always be people who don't like the lifestyle of a particular religious community, and decide they want to leave it. If they grew up in a family that followed these rules, they would still be better off, for the rest of their lives, because they were protected during their early childhood, the most vulnerable time when the most permanent damage can be done to a person.

If the computer works and I get it up and running again, it might not be a good thing. It's possible to waste huge amounts of time just passively surfing the internet and reading one random thing after another. I kind of liked it that I had to stay focused on my minimal number of books that I had, and I was studying bookkeeping and doing the Schaum's Outline exercises. Still, I had to get the computer stuff out of storage so that I wouldn't be worried about it freezing (even though it's already too late and they've already frozen many times).

There are unsettled issues and unanswered questions, and I wrote down those topics. Should the order require people to do X? Should it forbid them to do Y? Compliance is a gradual process that takes years. I myself am NOT compliant with many or most of the rules I was writing. It took several decades for me to learn the things I know now, and believe the things I believe now.

So I see compliance as something that you do as a series of achievements, and, while it won't be exactly like this, I'm thinking of the Boy Scouts and their merit badges. You gradually get one merit badge after another. You don't just jump into it and comply perfectly with all of the rules from the very first day. It's a lifestyle change and it takes a long time, and it is greatly helped by having social support - for instance, it's very hard to cook healthy foods every day, so it would be helpful to have a group of people who shared cooking duties, or a store where all of the 'approved' foods were sold, or something like that. I don't want to command people to do something, but then it's impossible for them to actually do it. I want it to be possible and I want it to be easier for them to do it, so it's more likely to actually happen. I want to have realistic expectations. That's why it will be a gradual process of achieving compliance with the various rules over time.

I'll explain more about it later.

Sx/So?

I'm still working on this, trying to decide my instinctual type.  After a conversation on the phone with Peter, they urged me to call myself sx/so instead of sx/sp.  It was because he likes to use sexual symbolism, and I don't, and I find sexual symbolism to be annoying and irritating.  I only do it if I feel pressured to do it, to please the other person, but it's not natural to me.  The sx/sp is supposedly one that enjoys, or tends to use, sexual symbols.  The particular symbol was 'sucking on a lollipop.'  I get impatient with using symbols to refer to sexual acts.

 

I also remember having a lot of forced-hypnosis nightmares where they use symbols to refer to sexual acts, and then they force me awake, and then they remind me about the dream while I'm lying there half-awake, to explain to me that symbols were used in the dream, and to explain what the symbols meant, and then they force me to feel angry about it, even though I am physically incapable of feeling angry on my own, because I'm in a half-asleep hypnotized state where I can't question anything or defend myself.

 

I watched Twilight - New Moon, without having read any of the books, and without seeing the first movie either.  I decided Bella is sx/sp.  She's interested in bonding with ONE person, and she strongly values feeling part of a family.  Themes of family bonds are in that movie.

 

She also has the 'extreme sports' behavior that they said will happen with sx/sp.  It's not limited to just that type, though, because I loved skiing and if I had infinite money, I'd do more sports (although my old bones might be developing osteoporosis, because of a variety of factors, such as the drug contamination, which are bad for my health).

 

Another theme was 'my lover will physically protect me.'  I can understand that, but it wasn't a big issue for me.  I don't really like 'big muscles' type guys and I never really fantasized much about being rescued or protected by the guy.  Instead, I am more focused on whether the guy respects my intelligence, my competence, my knowledge, my decision-making (social respect) because most of the time in my life I feel as though nobody takes me seriously (Nicole couldn't possibly know anything about medicine - she's not a doctor - I'll only listen to the doctor's advice and I'll dismiss everything that Nicole says I should/shouldn't be doing.  She has these crazy, delusional ideas that she got off the internet.).  It's more important to me that the guy sees me as somebody socially respected - not socially inferior - not somebody to dismiss and ignore all of my radical ideas and things I found on the internet.  'Take me seriously' is the issue, instead of 'protect me from physical danger.'

 

For the sx/so, my feeling is more like, 'All of society needs to be drastically changed.'  To solve every problem, no matter how trivial, you have to ***CHANGE THE ENTIRE WORLD!!!!!***  This is like reading Ayn Rand's objectivist books, or like the feminist belief system, or environmentalism.  Radical ideas, with '-ism' at the end, are what sx/so's are interested in.

 

Here, in my mid-thirties, when I want to start a family, and I want to avoid getting a divorce, and I want to have children before I lose the opportunity forever - I now have to teach myself to accept family values, when this didn't come naturally to me.  Family values - marry one person, and only one person, and stay with them forever - trust that person not to beat you up and abuse you, not to trap you financially and make you dependent, not to be boring and unattractive and sexually unsatisfying - I have to think about all of those things.  I am asking questions about polyfidelity - can it be possible, or desirable, to be bonded for a long time with more than one person?  Is there a real need to do that, or does it mean that your relationship has something wrong with it, something missing, which you are trying to find someplace else?  Why would my husband 'pay me to stay home' if I were having sexual relationships with more than one person?  What is he paying for, if not monogamy?  Why would one person have to pay, and another person doesn't?  Because that's what you're doing, when you marry someone and make her a housewife.  She's receiving food and shelter, which is money in the form of barter.

 

(With farming, the work is done at home, and so I agree with the Amish that the farm lifestyle is ideal for families.  The husband doesn't go away - he stays home to do his work.  The children can be with their father and their mother both, all day long, while the farm work is done.  Children are legally allowed to work on the farm, whereas the child labor laws forbid them to work anyplace else (solution... you guessed it, 'change society,' change the rules, it shouldn't be illegal for children to work).)

 

And the person also has to be willing to 'pay me to stay home.'  Because it's usually illegal or socially unacceptable or just a rule in a particular corporation, we're not allowed to carry our infant babies to work and breastfeed them in the workplace while we do our job.  (To fix this problem, we have to ***CHANGE ALL OF SOCIETY!!!***)  It shouldn't be illegal, against company policy, or socially unacceptable to bring your baby to work and breastfeed it in the workplace.  This type of belief is more like an sx/so, because it's focused on problems with the social system, with the large-scale social environment.  I'm just trying to pinpoint which type I am and I haven't yet gone on a forum and asked other people for their opinions.

 

So anyhow, as I've been trying to figure out my instinctual type, I decided that the 'change society' attitude probably means I'm an sx/so.
I haven't talked much about this for a while, but 'they' have encouraged me to create a new religion, and I accepted this as something I would agree to do.  It can't be done instantly, and it is more like a life mission, something that will take a long time.  My religion REQUIRES breastfeeding, and to not breastfeed is against the religion.  It is an explicit rule.  You must find a wet nurse if for any reason you cannot breastfeed.  So I have to plan a way that I will be able to do this, and either work on the farm, or get paid to stay home, or break rules, or find a corporation that will allow me to literally carry my baby around with me all day.  This is something I have to plan out before I can marry someone - he has to agree to it.

 

I just keep thinking, I wouldn't want to do that if I were a man.  I've read Warren Farrell.  Because of that, I try to see things from the man's point of view.  He becomes a slave, especially if he hates his job.  I can understand how it feels to hate your job, because I've never really loved any job that I ever worked at, except I sincerely enjoy McDonald's, especially College Avenue during a football game, when it's total insanity that goes on for hours and hours.  Working at College Avenue McDonald's during a football game weekend is an extreme sport.

 

And I bonded with the people there and I don't want to leave them.  Not only that, but on the last night when I expected to work there, my own store asked me to stay instead of going to College Avenue, so I unexpectedly didn't get to go to College Avenue, so I didn't say goodbye to anybody, and I just didn't show up.  That sucked.  So then I went there a few days ago to pick up some Angus buns for our store because we ran out of them, and I had to see the people again, the familiar faces, and I saw grief and pain and sadness.  I don't want to separate from these people.  They liked me and I liked them.

 

But football season is over and I have no excuse to go work at that store.  I would have to deliberately ask for a special arrangement to just go work there for the heck of it, or transfer there and disconnect from all  the people I've bonded with at my OWN store, which I also don't want to do.  To 'Have it all,' to stay connected with all the people I know at all the different McDonald's, would mean that I would have to work at the Nittany Mall, North Atherton, Hills, and College Avenue, because they are scattered to all of those places.

 

But anyway, about being a financial slave, paying your wife to stay home and watch soap operas - I know about that because of Warren Farrell.  So in order to avoid a bad marriage, I need to plan out what kind of arrangement my husband would be willing, and happy, to do.  I would like to earn money somehow myself while being married, so it would have to be a home business, or whatever.

 

I don't have time now to get into it, because I'm on the library computer and I'm running out of time.  I drank coffee a while ago, and haven't eaten, and I know from past experience that if I do that, it causes me to write blogs that go on for hours and hours and hours, because writing is a substitute for eating, for taking care of myself.  Talking too much usually means that you have some kind of physical problem, like drug use, drug withdrawal (usually tobacco), hunger, low blood sugar, or a 'chemical problem' - artificial flavors, salicylates, etc - like the Feingold diet talks about.  Tobacco in particular I'm familiar with, because over the years I've known so many people who either smoke or chew tobacco, and I've seen how their tobacco ups and downs, their uses and withdrawals, affect their moods and behavior.

 

I'm sure I'll think of more stuff I didn't get to write.  And I haven't even done all the other things I need to do on the internet and I won't have time.  More later then.

obama: so/sx. bush: so/sp.

http://www.ocean-moonshine.net/e142857369/index.php?module=pagemaster&PAGE_user_op=view_page&PAGE_id=42&MMN_position=80:80

that web page has a problem if you try just going to www.ocean-moonshine.net. you can't go to that top level page. i found that site when it was in my google search results for information about the enneagram and the instinctual subtypes.

instincts that ichazo and others have described and how they affect the enneagram type:

so = social
sx = sexual
sp = self-preservation

here is my current theory:
obama: so/sx. bush: so/sp.

obama seems 'accessible' and 'human.' he wrote poetry a long time ago and shows signs of 'passion' or 'soul.' people comment about his loving relationship with his wife, and how they still show passion and intimacy with each other.

bush was more dry, inaccessible. after he went crazy, after the world trade center attack, people hated him and described him as soulless, like there was nothing alive in there, no self-awareness, no feeling for unique individual human beings. this is the so/sp at its worst. it's like he saw a huge, faceless mass of meaningless people, and they all were potentially a threat, a danger, a crowd of unpredictable animals and monsters who might rebel at any moment, who needed to be spied on, and tortured, and interrogated, in order to make sure they wouldn't get out of control.

so/sps are not always like that, but if something bad is going on, they become the 'soulless politician' much more than the other type does.

the so/sx has a stronger connection with people's individual souls. the sx instinct is said to represent passion and mystical feelings in addition to sex, the passionate love of life and your soul mate (or mates plural).

so/sx is described as 'big brother/big sister' and 'best friend to many.' i see albus dumbledore as probably so/sx as well. he isn't 'dry and inaccessible' or 'seeming inhuman' when under stress. he still knows that he's dealing with real human beings.

i would like to see some healthy role models for the other type, the so/sp. because right now, i'm giving them a bad rap, but not all so/sps have to be bad. george bush was definitely the worst case scenario for that type.

i think ayn rand described a healthy so/sp type in some of her characterizations. she sometimes talked about the businessman who was 'all business' and who was criticized for that. she glorified that businessman. the enneagram type eight so/sp is described that way when they become the CEO, and they make a very competent CEO but people don't like the 'all business' attitude that they show.

so/sp is described as the 'respectable business person' or 'respected pillar of the community.' there is a real need for these people and they can be healthy, so don't just think of george bush at his worst when you think of this type. many respectable, competent business people are this type but they are all very human.

so i don't know for sure if obama is so/sx, but it's a theory that i'm considering for now. i'll keep thinking about it. it would explain why he 'feels more accesssible' and 'acts like one of the guys' more than george bush did. since i don't have television, i can't get an impression of his behavior visually, but i have seen a couple speeches, and i felt 'passion' and 'charisma' in those speeches, which represents the sexual instinct, instead of a dry, all-business approach. again, just a theory for now.

Enneagram Type Seven

I'm tired of changing my enneagram type every few years. First they decided I was a Nine. Then they decided, no, I'm not a Nine, I just have chronic fatigue, which is why I appear to be 'lazy.' So then they decided that I'm actually a Six. But now they're thinking I'm a Seven.

I like the enneagram, but it's a trial-and-error process figuring out what you are. And I'm not one of the people who says 'Therefore, all personality type systems are bullshit.' Just because it's difficult to use them or understand them doesn't mean that they have no useful information or useful observations about personalities. People CAN be categorized. Their personalities seem to be stable over time, and people are different from each other, but categorically similar.

While reading Choke, I had to ask what enneagram type Chuck Palahniuk or his characters are. It's an unhealthy Seven, doing hyperactive, random, addictive things in order to get some excitement out of life. My 'prescription' for an unhealthy Seven is the same as my prescription for everybody else.

And I have to quote Judith Swack even though I associate her with the onset of the psychotronic attacks and I've never been sure if she was responsible for it. But the name of her treatment is 'Healing From The Body Level Up,' and I take that same approach, although I am not doing anything like what she does in her therapy. I'm more interested in things like nutrition and detoxification from chemicals that cause environmental illness. Elimination diets like the Feingold Diet, the Failsafe Diet, wheat-free and dairy-free diets, and so on, will calm down hyperactive people, and I know this from my own experiences.

So in that way I use a similar approach, that no matter what's wrong, I start by assuming there are physical health problems that are the first thing to work on. I don't like 'talk therapy.' (However, that doesn't mean that talking is useless, it just means that my own experience with 'talk therapy' never solved the problem that I had chronic fatigue, chronic pain and illnesses, and food sensitivities, and I was being physically attacked by criminals as well, and those were the main reasons why I couldn't get my life together.) That's the first thing that goes through my mind whenever I read a story like that where somebody seems to have a chaotic life and a lot of problems.

I was told that my writing style resembled Palahniuk, and when I read that book, I saw a lot of things that I talk about, like herbs, and medical problems. I remember back when I wasn't yet on the semi-Feingold diet that I am on now, my informal diet where I avoid the worst foods most of the time (cereal, milk, etc), and I was extremely hyperactive in college and I did a lot of bizarre and impulsive things, but I couldn't actually focus and complete a task.

This is on a slightly different topic, but, there are things people say about Libertarians (or sometimes, Objectivists). One of the things people joke about is, a Libertarian won't even call the fire department when the house is burning down. I used to call myself a Libertarian before I called myself an anarchist (and an anarchist is even more extreme than a Libertarian in that way). Someone had said to me recently that I should call the health department because the landlord wasn't doing anything about the mold in my apartment (although, he did a couple things to try to fix it), and my response was that I didn't want to escalate the conflict to a higher level. I don't go calling authorities on people unless there is some desperate emergency. I prefer talking things out and getting mediators and acting as though there is no government. I assume, as an anarchist, that I should always ask the question, what would I do if there were no government? How would I resolve conflicts with people? Not just about the mold, but also about other things people have done.

I'm going to try to have children of my own, but I also like to read about adoption. I have learned a lot about relationships by reading about adoption, especially because adopted children tend to have more problems than children raised in one household all their lives. I am usually friends with people who have problems, because I don't feel understood by people whose lives are all together and going great. Whenever you 'adopt' an adult as a friend, it's similar to adopting a child because you didn't raise that person, you didn't teach them what they know, and their beliefs and values may be totally different from your own, they might do things that you hate, they might do things that you totally disagree with, and you somehow have to accept that this is something you have no control over. Granted, there are limits to who you choose to 'adopt' because there still has to be something useful or valuable in the relationship at some level. You don't associate with people who are absolutely worthless to you or hostile to you in every possible way.

Well, 'they' have been asking me to assume, what if you adopted somebody who had problems or criminal behavior and you still had to be a parent to somebody in spite of that. This applies to adult relationships too, not just adoptions. However, thinking of it as an 'adoption' helps remind me that when you choose a friend, you choose a long-term relationship, a long-term bond with somebody who is a human being, a real and imperfect person. You don't just bond with people and then drop them the next day, on a whim.

Every living person has a set of parents (unless they were conceived in a test tube using artificial genes that didn't come from a human). Every person needs whatever it is that parents provide. So reading about adoption made me wonder, what is it that parents are supposed to do for their children? What role do they play? If you could choose your parents, what kind of parents would you choose, assuming that there really is a *need* for the role parents play? What do you have control over, and what can you not control? What good things can you do for your children that will help them through all of their lives? There really are better and worse ways to be a parent. All of those things apply to ordinary relationships with people too: what roles do you play, and what good can people do for each other in their relationships.

So, bonding with a friend isn't literally an adoption and it isn't literally a parent-child relationship, but again, I've been reading about adoptions and it reminds me of that. Adult relationships have some of the same issues, for instance, accepting that somebody is a real person even though they do something that you hate.
And yes, I am going on with my life, and I will still be here, although I do have to move to another apartment, but as far as I know, I'm staying in the area. Right now, unfortunately, the household herbal contamination is still the biggest problem in my life, and it's impossible to convince other people that it's real. The herbal contamination is actually an even *worse* problem than the psychotronic attacks, for me. It has to be fixed before I can do anything else.