5:57 PM 8/10/10
I am in coffee withdrawal again. I have a splitting headache. This headache is much worse than it was the last time I quit coffee. I'm quitting coffee because I've been drinking tons and tons of it every day to help with my chronic fatigue. And I've been drinking coffee instead of eating food. And I've got some cavities developing in my teeth. Last time I quit coffee, my teeth gradually remineralized and stopped hurting, so I'm doing that again. But I can't get anything done.
There is a torture going on about my Ichazo's instinctual type. It wouldn't matter if I weren't fighting with the voices. If I were free to be myself, then I would be able to express my soul to the world - it's something I would have learned to do over the years. They're wondering if I'm a sp/so instead of sp/sx, because of how difficult it is for me to relate to other people, to bond deeply with them, to attract them, to express myself to them. They're always wanting to change my instinctual type - this is nothing new. They're saying that I have the 'coldness' in my personality instead of the warmth and charisma that the sx instinct gives you. I don't know how I'd behave if I were free, like I said, but yes, I do have a cold, formal dignity that gets in the way of sexual expression and openness.
I remember something someone wrote on a forum about the instincts. It was a sp/so type who complained about the stereotypes about that instinctual stacking. She said, 'I'm not just a coupon-clipping worker bee!' I agree with her. I have a soul. I have feelings. I have a desire to bond with someone and to love them deeply. I watch movies, and I listen to music, and I respond strongly to them if they're done right, and if they're done badly, I can't stand them, or if they express ideas that I hate, then I can't stand them.
I can give an example of something I'd never do. There's a lady at McDonald's who acts like someone who has a strong sx instinct in her personality. She isn't really beautiful - I don't like to insult people if I don't have any reason to insult them, and I don't dislike her, so I don't really want to describe all the ways that she's ugly instead of beautiful. Just take my word for it that she isn't beautiful, she is somewhat ugly, by most people's standards. But she has a husband, if I understand correctly, and children. And a few days ago, one of the other guys who works there had come in to work, and when she saw him, she moaned, 'Ooooh, it's Jeremy,' and she looked up at him in a seductive way. Then she said, 'Have you lost weight? Every time I see you you seem to be getting thinner.' He said that yes, he had been losing weight.
I can't imagine myself openly flirting with anyone like that, ever. Lack of confidence, partly. Partly because it just seems unnatural for me. Even if I am sure that someone is attracted to me, I can't say things like 'oooh, it's Jeremy', just because I can't talk that way. It's almost physically impossible for me to talk that way.
There is a sort of dignity that gets in the way, and a feeling that it is too special, too sacred, too vulnerable, to express myself that way out loud. There is something too direct about it, too exposed, - and maybe if I weren't being listened to and spied on by murderers who make a big, huge deal out of anything sexual, then it wouldn't be so difficult for me. It's something that you absolutely must *not* make a big deal out of. If you do, it gets destroyed instantly. When the murderers attack me they always attack me about things that are sexual. They zap me the most when I'm trying to be close to somebody and enjoy the moment with them. It's like their goal is to prove that I am soulless and therefore it's okay for them to destroy my life.
I've been reading Twilight. I never read those books before. I saw the movie Eclipse and so I decided to start reading the books. Everyone likes to read about people who have 'dark secrets,' like Edward being a vampire. But I was comparing that with myself. I have dark secrets too; why doesn't anybody like my dark secrets? Because my dark secrets are dark, BAD secrets. Mind control is real. We are all potentially its victims, although some people are attacked more than others, while many people are mostly ignored. Usually, this is something you don't need to know. If they're not attacking you, then you don't need to even be bothered with somebody's else's problem of electronic harassment. That person is just unusual and unlucky and they must have done something to make somebody mad at them. There is no good side to that secret.
But the 'dark secrets' in these books, like Edward being a vampire, or reality being a Matrix, or Harry Potter being a wizard, always have a good side to the dark secret. You're a vampire, but it's really cool because you can live forever and have special powers. The world is a matrix, but if you learn how to manipulate it, you can do amazing things that nobody else can do. You're a wizard, and you're different from everybody around you, but, once again, you have special powers, and you have a whole community of people supporting you.
My dark secrets don't really have a good side. So I was trying to figure out what 'special powers' I have that would make somebody want to know my dark secrets. There is one thing that I can do. I know about saving money and I know about a frugal lifestyle. If you question the way you spend money, if you question everything about money, then you can save enough money that you can work fewer hours at your job. And if you work fewer hours at your job, then you can actually spend time doing things that matter to you. You can spend time with your family, or working on hobbies and projects, or just doing nothing and relaxing and having fun. I have spent years learning all about money and how it works. So if you are trapped, working too many hours at a job you hate, I am the person you want to get to know, because I sympathize with your problem and I know there are ways we can solve that problem.
So that is the result of fighting with the voices about my 'boring' self-preservation instinct, and what could possibly be good and exciting about it. It really is exciting if you can control your finances and quit working so many hours after you change your lifestyle. You can have the things you want in life instead of just wishing for them. My 'special power' is power over money.
They have been giving me this feeling a lot: that I'm boring, that nobody wants to know me, and that my soul, if it exists, is worthless to everyone. Somebody out there is pushing a button on a machine to give me that specific feeling, and they've been pushing that button a lot lately.
Showing posts with label instincts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label instincts. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Twilight Eclipse; instinctual type; Muzak
7:12 AM 8/3/10
I woke up being attacked by the voices again. They were trying to change my instinctual type to several different things. They were telling me 'they can't STAND her,' 'her' as in 'me.' But I won't let them change the type away from self-pres being first. I've always been interested in self-improvement, self-development, nutrition and health, and those kinds of things. It wouldn't bother me as much if they insisted on changing me to self-pres/social. That's the type that I guessed I probably was the first time I looked at it. That was my first guess. Some evidence for the social instinct is that I have been interested in groups like the libertarians and objectivists. 'The responsible businessperson' is something that describes me.
So I will go look again at self-pres/social and see if that description fits me. Telling the truth about who I am is the only way for me to ever fall in love with anyone. If I am being someone else, no one can know me. That wouldn't be a problem except for the fact that I am being controlled and made into a puppet constantly.
I went to see Twilight: Eclipse last night after shopping. I never saw the first movie. I did see New Moon, though. I never read any of the books. I loved the soundtrack at the end of the movie for Eclipse. I stayed until the end of the credits. There is always something that tries to force me to get up and leave. I don't know if it's a sonic attack, I don't know if it's done by the movie theatre itself deliberately, or if the murderers are doing it, but it makes it hard to sit there while the movie credits play, and you have to FIGHT the urge to get up and walk out. The murderers usually do that kind of thing. I had to force myself to keep sitting there while everybody else got up and left, and the music was really good and worth listening to.
I like to watch them talking to each other, Bella and Edward and Jacob. They seem like the description of Sx types. Loving each other is the most important thing on earth to them. Loving Edward is more important than having children, to Bella. If I understand correctly, the vampires can't have children? I never read the books, so I don't know things like that. She wants to become a vampire and give up the chance to have children. And I read Julian Simon's books and decided that having children was very important to me - it was something that I insisted I must do.
Last night they were trying to make me jealous of Curtis and Carrie again. It was because of having watched Eclipse. Curtis had said that he was reading those books, back at the time when New Moon came out. So when I watch those movies I think about how they might represent him. I'm thinking of his artistic taste, his aesthetic taste, how he decorates himself and how he decorated his car and also his MySpace page (during the brief time when I was there I saw a lot of 'goth' or 'vampire' themed pictures). His aesthetic taste is beautiful to me, just another thing that I love about him.
But what the voices were doing was playing something in my head that, supposedly, Curtis and Carrie whispered to each other. Carrie said, 'Did I win?' and Curtis said, 'yeah.' This was supposed to make me jealous of them. And it does make me jealous, but there is nothing I can do about it. The only thing I can do is find my own person to love. And of course they will keep forcing me to obsess about him, and they will force me to do something else like write a note or call him. It will always be something.
(When I say that they are forcing me to do these things, what I mean is that yes, I WANT to express my love to him, but, on my own, I never would have even TRIED. I assumed from the beginning that it was impossible. There were guys who I was strongly attracted to, all the way back in high school, and they never liked me. I've always seen myself as someone that the really attractive guys didn't like. I was lucky enough to find boyfriends over the years, and I always felt that they were 'attractive enough,' meaning that I didn't really feel like I was 'settling' for someone 'unattractive' to me. But there were the other people who I found *VERY* attractive, and I don't see those people being attracted to me in return.)
I agreed to write a note yesterday. I wrote about how something happened in the text conversations that had hurt me, and told him I loved him. I also sent him an email saying that. I never know if the hackers/murderers are intercepting the emails or not. ('Hackers' and 'murderers': there are individual people who hack computers, but when I'm referring to them as 'the murderers,' I mean the people who are destroying my entire life by using electronic attacks and everything else they're doing. That's not the same as somebody just hacking into computers and doing nothing but that. I'm talking about somebody interfering with EVERY online communication that I do, putting words into the sentences, preventing emails and texts from reaching their destination, and so on - anything to keep people from loving each other and communicating honestly with each other.)
I still don't really understand why Bella hesitated to marry Edward. I'd have to read the books to get a better idea of what she was thinking. She said that where she came from, for people her age, marriage was something people did if they had gotten pregnant. She said it's just a piece of paper, or something like that.
(*I just remembered something. Yesterday the voices told me that I had alienated my readers because of complaining about men's hairstyles and saying that men were repulsive to me. That's something that I would never say if I felt as though I was in front of an audience. But this blog doesn't FEEL like anybody is really reading it. If I knew that there were lots of short-haired clean-shaven men in my audience, then no, I wouldn't go insulting their hairstyles and telling them they're repulsive to me. Usually things like that are something that the voices are forcing me to say anyway, and I think I recall that was one of the things they forced me to write.*)
(*I have a different approach to changing men's hairstyles. I decided that there was only one way to do it, only one way that would work, and that was, to make a group of people where they were REQUIRED to do what I wanted them to do with their hair. That way, you wouldn't have to fight an individual battle with people, there would be no arguing, you wouldn't have to hurt people or insult people, you wouldn't have to change people one at a time. They would have some kind of incentive or reason to be in the group, something to gain by being in the group, and so, growing their hair the way I want them to is part of the price to pay for being in the group. It would guarantee that large numbers of people looked the way I want them to look, and it would have nothing to do with their personality types. Right now, it's usually a certain personality type that tends to grow their hair the way I want, or it seems like it is. I thought it was always Myers-Briggs SP artisans, but 'they' convinced me that Peter is an SJ Guardian, and he has slightly long hair, although it's actually a mullet because he shaved the top of it when it started getting thin. He says that he keeps his hair long because his son, Deter, recognizes him that way. So I guess there are SJ males who grow long hair.*)
'Curtis,' or whoever I was texting with, asked me if I was a virgin. That was a couple weeks ago now during the conversation where 'he' said that about six other girls wanted to be with him. (I'll never know for sure who I was talking to until and unless I can verify every word of it by showing it to him.) I didn't know why he would think I was a virgin. Was it because I seemed like a religious type, and he didn't know what my religion was? I'm not a Christian. I have had sex before marriage. I thought it was an insult - that I was so unattractive that he couldn't imagine anyone would ever want to have sex with me. That is obviously not true, based on my experience. And I know he doesn't think I'm unattractive - he acts like he's attracted to me. So I didn't know why he asked that. But after watching that movie, and seeing how Edward wanted Bella to remain a virgin until she was married, made me wonder if that's what it was about. He wanted to protect her soul, he said.
I am nowhere near being a virgin to sex. When I lived with my ex-boyfriend, we had sex hundreds of times. I have lost count of how many times we had sex. But there are a few things that I am a virgin to. I am a virgin to having a baby. I thought I might have had a miscarriage, quite a few years ago when I was living with my ex-boyfriend. We used condoms but we might have had an accident, because there were a couple months when I stopped having my period, and I kept doing pregnancy tests and they kept saying negative, and I didn't know what was wrong. And then I had a gross, yucky material that came out, and I described it to my mother, who said she had the same thing happen and she thought it might be a miscarriage. So I might have been temporarily pregnant but it did not develop. Other than that, I've never been pregnant. That is the one big thing that I AM a virgin to.
Also, I'm a virgin to being with a guy who I am very, very intensely attracted to. The guys that I've been with are just *moderately* attractive. I've never been close to someone who I felt was *extremely* attractive.
I've never been passionately, intensely in love, except with Terry when I was a teenager, and that was an unhealthy, abusive relationship, and we were both still living at home, and we couldn't really go anywhere to have sex, and I didn't know HOW to have sex, and I didn't want to get pregnant. I've never been with someone who I loved deeply in every possible way and was also extremely sexually attracted to. So yes, I am a virgin to some things.
*****
There is something that the murderers do to the music, the Spamzak, the Muzak on the intercom at work. They are hacking the satellite feed - if I understand correctly, that Spamzak comes from a satellite. They force commercials to play at the worst possible moment of a song, and they usually put subliminal whispers that I can hear into the commercials. They play a song that I really like, a song that I respond emotionally to, and then they start the commercial interruption at the exact moment of the song that I like the most. This is not a joke, it's something that the murderers are really doing to me, and they have been doing it for a long time. They really are doing that.
The subliminal whispers used to say things like 'not right now - dirty girl's trying to get dishes done,' back when Martin was here - they would try to force me to go talk to Martin, they wanted me to go shout at him, 'Why aren't you answering my emails?' and things like that - and they would sit there forcing me to rehearse those things, over and over, for hours, while I was working, while I fought against them and refused to say those things to him - and so they'd say 'not right now,' meaning, now is a bad time to talk, because I'm busy - and they called me 'dirty girl.' Dirty girl meant that I was physically dirty, and it also meant that I was a 'game player,' someone who 'plays dirty,' was deliberately manipulative, a liar, who meant everything sarcastically, and they told me that Martin believed that every word I wrote was meant sarcastically and he had to do the opposite of everything I said, for instance, if I said I liked long hair, he had to cut his hair short, and that kind of thing.
There was something that happened when Martin and I first started emailing each other. In the very beginning, just a couple of emails really got through. I really enjoyed talking to him. Actually, I enjoyed READING him. I've talked enough, and I love to listen to someone else who has something to say. But then, the emails stopped, and the murderers attacked me very severely and tried to force me to do things, and they interrogated me for several weeks about things like why I didn't shave. Almost everything I wrote, during that time period, was fake. I was even being drugged - sometimes, they were making drug users walk in, and do the seduction hand touch, stroking my fingers whenever I handed them something over the counter, and I would get a transdermal drug reaction, usually to things that felt like antidepressants, but I can't know for sure what the drug was. I had strange, mind-altering experiences, like, I remember once walking through the grocery store and looking up at the ceiling and noticing that there are these mirror-like things up on the walls near the ceiling, and I wondered what they were. I wondered if they had something to do with security cameras. And a voice was talking to me at the time, and they were pretending that the mind control system came from zeppelins, or something that floated in the air above us, and that the zeppelins were invisible, but if I were on the right drugs, I'd see them, because they used mind control to make themselves invisible, to make us unable to see them even if we looked directly at them. Usually, in the dream images, they are shooting lightning bolts from above, in the sky. All of that happened because Martin and I tried to make friends with each other.
The voices told me that he asked me to marry him. I didn't believe it - I figured they were lying. I wrote him an email saying that the voices were asking me to marry him and I didn't believe it.
Well, I started this by writing about the music on the intercom. I was listening to the music at the end of Eclipse. Anytime I react strongly to music, the murderers put a fake commercial into it, when I'm at Weis. It seems like they are also taking away all of the music that I respond strongly to. If I like a song, they take it away. But during the time when I had met Martin, they played a song on the intercom at Wal-Mart, and they told me that I was the 'only one who heard that song.' It was called 'Slow Me Down' by Emmy Rossum. I never hear anything from her on the Spamzak, so it was very unusual to hear this song. The spamzak is designed to cause the LEAST amount of emotional response, whether it be positive or negative. The songs that are so familiar, they're meaningless. The songs that you've heard a hundred thousand times and you ignore them. It's like Christmas music, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Or like playing 'Happy Birthday To You' or 'The Alphabet Song' ABCDEFG... HIJKLMNOP... over and over all day long, that is how I feel about the Spamzak.
They played 'Slow Me Down' because I had written a note on my computer about how I was in college having a conversation with my friends, and we were talking about 'getting to first base' and I was saying that I couldn't remember what each of the bases MEANT. I said something like, oral sex was at second base, or something that was too extreme or too early, and they thought that was hilarious and Valencia said, 'Whoa! Slow down!' So after I wrote that comment in my notes, they were playing 'Slow Me Down' because of that. And it was a beautiful song.
They take away the songs and they tell me that they want to keep it a secret, the fact that I have a soul. If I respond strongly to music, it's like I have a soul. If I sing a song and really feel it, if I merge with the music, if I dance to it, if the music is beautiful, it expresses my soul, and they take that away. And this is no joke, they are really doing this. I hear fewer and fewer songs on the radio that I like, especially on the Spamzak at work, the one that's controlled by satellite. I can hear 'I Wish That I Had Jessie's Girl' a hundred million times, at every store I shop at, and I get to think about how jealous I am of Curtis and Carrie being together, and other unpleasant emotions that I feel when I hear that song, or I can hear 'You Gotta Be Cruel To Be Kind' and get angry about abusive relationships. But I can't hear obscure songs that I didn't know I would like, I can't hear songs that express my soul, I just hear the blandest, stupidest music that has been played a million times and means nothing to me.
So... I liked the Eclipse Soundtrack.
I hope I can get something done today.
I woke up being attacked by the voices again. They were trying to change my instinctual type to several different things. They were telling me 'they can't STAND her,' 'her' as in 'me.' But I won't let them change the type away from self-pres being first. I've always been interested in self-improvement, self-development, nutrition and health, and those kinds of things. It wouldn't bother me as much if they insisted on changing me to self-pres/social. That's the type that I guessed I probably was the first time I looked at it. That was my first guess. Some evidence for the social instinct is that I have been interested in groups like the libertarians and objectivists. 'The responsible businessperson' is something that describes me.
So I will go look again at self-pres/social and see if that description fits me. Telling the truth about who I am is the only way for me to ever fall in love with anyone. If I am being someone else, no one can know me. That wouldn't be a problem except for the fact that I am being controlled and made into a puppet constantly.
I went to see Twilight: Eclipse last night after shopping. I never saw the first movie. I did see New Moon, though. I never read any of the books. I loved the soundtrack at the end of the movie for Eclipse. I stayed until the end of the credits. There is always something that tries to force me to get up and leave. I don't know if it's a sonic attack, I don't know if it's done by the movie theatre itself deliberately, or if the murderers are doing it, but it makes it hard to sit there while the movie credits play, and you have to FIGHT the urge to get up and walk out. The murderers usually do that kind of thing. I had to force myself to keep sitting there while everybody else got up and left, and the music was really good and worth listening to.
I like to watch them talking to each other, Bella and Edward and Jacob. They seem like the description of Sx types. Loving each other is the most important thing on earth to them. Loving Edward is more important than having children, to Bella. If I understand correctly, the vampires can't have children? I never read the books, so I don't know things like that. She wants to become a vampire and give up the chance to have children. And I read Julian Simon's books and decided that having children was very important to me - it was something that I insisted I must do.
Last night they were trying to make me jealous of Curtis and Carrie again. It was because of having watched Eclipse. Curtis had said that he was reading those books, back at the time when New Moon came out. So when I watch those movies I think about how they might represent him. I'm thinking of his artistic taste, his aesthetic taste, how he decorates himself and how he decorated his car and also his MySpace page (during the brief time when I was there I saw a lot of 'goth' or 'vampire' themed pictures). His aesthetic taste is beautiful to me, just another thing that I love about him.
But what the voices were doing was playing something in my head that, supposedly, Curtis and Carrie whispered to each other. Carrie said, 'Did I win?' and Curtis said, 'yeah.' This was supposed to make me jealous of them. And it does make me jealous, but there is nothing I can do about it. The only thing I can do is find my own person to love. And of course they will keep forcing me to obsess about him, and they will force me to do something else like write a note or call him. It will always be something.
(When I say that they are forcing me to do these things, what I mean is that yes, I WANT to express my love to him, but, on my own, I never would have even TRIED. I assumed from the beginning that it was impossible. There were guys who I was strongly attracted to, all the way back in high school, and they never liked me. I've always seen myself as someone that the really attractive guys didn't like. I was lucky enough to find boyfriends over the years, and I always felt that they were 'attractive enough,' meaning that I didn't really feel like I was 'settling' for someone 'unattractive' to me. But there were the other people who I found *VERY* attractive, and I don't see those people being attracted to me in return.)
I agreed to write a note yesterday. I wrote about how something happened in the text conversations that had hurt me, and told him I loved him. I also sent him an email saying that. I never know if the hackers/murderers are intercepting the emails or not. ('Hackers' and 'murderers': there are individual people who hack computers, but when I'm referring to them as 'the murderers,' I mean the people who are destroying my entire life by using electronic attacks and everything else they're doing. That's not the same as somebody just hacking into computers and doing nothing but that. I'm talking about somebody interfering with EVERY online communication that I do, putting words into the sentences, preventing emails and texts from reaching their destination, and so on - anything to keep people from loving each other and communicating honestly with each other.)
I still don't really understand why Bella hesitated to marry Edward. I'd have to read the books to get a better idea of what she was thinking. She said that where she came from, for people her age, marriage was something people did if they had gotten pregnant. She said it's just a piece of paper, or something like that.
(*I just remembered something. Yesterday the voices told me that I had alienated my readers because of complaining about men's hairstyles and saying that men were repulsive to me. That's something that I would never say if I felt as though I was in front of an audience. But this blog doesn't FEEL like anybody is really reading it. If I knew that there were lots of short-haired clean-shaven men in my audience, then no, I wouldn't go insulting their hairstyles and telling them they're repulsive to me. Usually things like that are something that the voices are forcing me to say anyway, and I think I recall that was one of the things they forced me to write.*)
(*I have a different approach to changing men's hairstyles. I decided that there was only one way to do it, only one way that would work, and that was, to make a group of people where they were REQUIRED to do what I wanted them to do with their hair. That way, you wouldn't have to fight an individual battle with people, there would be no arguing, you wouldn't have to hurt people or insult people, you wouldn't have to change people one at a time. They would have some kind of incentive or reason to be in the group, something to gain by being in the group, and so, growing their hair the way I want them to is part of the price to pay for being in the group. It would guarantee that large numbers of people looked the way I want them to look, and it would have nothing to do with their personality types. Right now, it's usually a certain personality type that tends to grow their hair the way I want, or it seems like it is. I thought it was always Myers-Briggs SP artisans, but 'they' convinced me that Peter is an SJ Guardian, and he has slightly long hair, although it's actually a mullet because he shaved the top of it when it started getting thin. He says that he keeps his hair long because his son, Deter, recognizes him that way. So I guess there are SJ males who grow long hair.*)
'Curtis,' or whoever I was texting with, asked me if I was a virgin. That was a couple weeks ago now during the conversation where 'he' said that about six other girls wanted to be with him. (I'll never know for sure who I was talking to until and unless I can verify every word of it by showing it to him.) I didn't know why he would think I was a virgin. Was it because I seemed like a religious type, and he didn't know what my religion was? I'm not a Christian. I have had sex before marriage. I thought it was an insult - that I was so unattractive that he couldn't imagine anyone would ever want to have sex with me. That is obviously not true, based on my experience. And I know he doesn't think I'm unattractive - he acts like he's attracted to me. So I didn't know why he asked that. But after watching that movie, and seeing how Edward wanted Bella to remain a virgin until she was married, made me wonder if that's what it was about. He wanted to protect her soul, he said.
I am nowhere near being a virgin to sex. When I lived with my ex-boyfriend, we had sex hundreds of times. I have lost count of how many times we had sex. But there are a few things that I am a virgin to. I am a virgin to having a baby. I thought I might have had a miscarriage, quite a few years ago when I was living with my ex-boyfriend. We used condoms but we might have had an accident, because there were a couple months when I stopped having my period, and I kept doing pregnancy tests and they kept saying negative, and I didn't know what was wrong. And then I had a gross, yucky material that came out, and I described it to my mother, who said she had the same thing happen and she thought it might be a miscarriage. So I might have been temporarily pregnant but it did not develop. Other than that, I've never been pregnant. That is the one big thing that I AM a virgin to.
Also, I'm a virgin to being with a guy who I am very, very intensely attracted to. The guys that I've been with are just *moderately* attractive. I've never been close to someone who I felt was *extremely* attractive.
I've never been passionately, intensely in love, except with Terry when I was a teenager, and that was an unhealthy, abusive relationship, and we were both still living at home, and we couldn't really go anywhere to have sex, and I didn't know HOW to have sex, and I didn't want to get pregnant. I've never been with someone who I loved deeply in every possible way and was also extremely sexually attracted to. So yes, I am a virgin to some things.
*****
There is something that the murderers do to the music, the Spamzak, the Muzak on the intercom at work. They are hacking the satellite feed - if I understand correctly, that Spamzak comes from a satellite. They force commercials to play at the worst possible moment of a song, and they usually put subliminal whispers that I can hear into the commercials. They play a song that I really like, a song that I respond emotionally to, and then they start the commercial interruption at the exact moment of the song that I like the most. This is not a joke, it's something that the murderers are really doing to me, and they have been doing it for a long time. They really are doing that.
The subliminal whispers used to say things like 'not right now - dirty girl's trying to get dishes done,' back when Martin was here - they would try to force me to go talk to Martin, they wanted me to go shout at him, 'Why aren't you answering my emails?' and things like that - and they would sit there forcing me to rehearse those things, over and over, for hours, while I was working, while I fought against them and refused to say those things to him - and so they'd say 'not right now,' meaning, now is a bad time to talk, because I'm busy - and they called me 'dirty girl.' Dirty girl meant that I was physically dirty, and it also meant that I was a 'game player,' someone who 'plays dirty,' was deliberately manipulative, a liar, who meant everything sarcastically, and they told me that Martin believed that every word I wrote was meant sarcastically and he had to do the opposite of everything I said, for instance, if I said I liked long hair, he had to cut his hair short, and that kind of thing.
There was something that happened when Martin and I first started emailing each other. In the very beginning, just a couple of emails really got through. I really enjoyed talking to him. Actually, I enjoyed READING him. I've talked enough, and I love to listen to someone else who has something to say. But then, the emails stopped, and the murderers attacked me very severely and tried to force me to do things, and they interrogated me for several weeks about things like why I didn't shave. Almost everything I wrote, during that time period, was fake. I was even being drugged - sometimes, they were making drug users walk in, and do the seduction hand touch, stroking my fingers whenever I handed them something over the counter, and I would get a transdermal drug reaction, usually to things that felt like antidepressants, but I can't know for sure what the drug was. I had strange, mind-altering experiences, like, I remember once walking through the grocery store and looking up at the ceiling and noticing that there are these mirror-like things up on the walls near the ceiling, and I wondered what they were. I wondered if they had something to do with security cameras. And a voice was talking to me at the time, and they were pretending that the mind control system came from zeppelins, or something that floated in the air above us, and that the zeppelins were invisible, but if I were on the right drugs, I'd see them, because they used mind control to make themselves invisible, to make us unable to see them even if we looked directly at them. Usually, in the dream images, they are shooting lightning bolts from above, in the sky. All of that happened because Martin and I tried to make friends with each other.
The voices told me that he asked me to marry him. I didn't believe it - I figured they were lying. I wrote him an email saying that the voices were asking me to marry him and I didn't believe it.
Well, I started this by writing about the music on the intercom. I was listening to the music at the end of Eclipse. Anytime I react strongly to music, the murderers put a fake commercial into it, when I'm at Weis. It seems like they are also taking away all of the music that I respond strongly to. If I like a song, they take it away. But during the time when I had met Martin, they played a song on the intercom at Wal-Mart, and they told me that I was the 'only one who heard that song.' It was called 'Slow Me Down' by Emmy Rossum. I never hear anything from her on the Spamzak, so it was very unusual to hear this song. The spamzak is designed to cause the LEAST amount of emotional response, whether it be positive or negative. The songs that are so familiar, they're meaningless. The songs that you've heard a hundred thousand times and you ignore them. It's like Christmas music, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Or like playing 'Happy Birthday To You' or 'The Alphabet Song' ABCDEFG... HIJKLMNOP... over and over all day long, that is how I feel about the Spamzak.
They played 'Slow Me Down' because I had written a note on my computer about how I was in college having a conversation with my friends, and we were talking about 'getting to first base' and I was saying that I couldn't remember what each of the bases MEANT. I said something like, oral sex was at second base, or something that was too extreme or too early, and they thought that was hilarious and Valencia said, 'Whoa! Slow down!' So after I wrote that comment in my notes, they were playing 'Slow Me Down' because of that. And it was a beautiful song.
They take away the songs and they tell me that they want to keep it a secret, the fact that I have a soul. If I respond strongly to music, it's like I have a soul. If I sing a song and really feel it, if I merge with the music, if I dance to it, if the music is beautiful, it expresses my soul, and they take that away. And this is no joke, they are really doing this. I hear fewer and fewer songs on the radio that I like, especially on the Spamzak at work, the one that's controlled by satellite. I can hear 'I Wish That I Had Jessie's Girl' a hundred million times, at every store I shop at, and I get to think about how jealous I am of Curtis and Carrie being together, and other unpleasant emotions that I feel when I hear that song, or I can hear 'You Gotta Be Cruel To Be Kind' and get angry about abusive relationships. But I can't hear obscure songs that I didn't know I would like, I can't hear songs that express my soul, I just hear the blandest, stupidest music that has been played a million times and means nothing to me.
So... I liked the Eclipse Soundtrack.
I hope I can get something done today.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
grrr
11:10 AM 7/28/10
Grrr. I went to POF and got rid of the 'bi-curious' description. That DEFINITELY was something that the voices made me decide to put there. The more I thought about it, the more sure I was that I could not sustain a long-term sexual relationship with a female, and in reality, I'm not even all that interested in a plain old FRIENDSHIP with females, although it could be possible. I wondered why I had friendships with females when I was younger. The main reason is probably because, when I was young, I didn't have boyfriends! I might possibly get a female friend, but there won't be very many of them, and like I said, she would have to be somebody special, and she'd have to be able to 'take care of herself,' as in, not need me all the time.
'Bi-curious' would describe me if I was seriously in the mood at this time in my life to try having sex with females. If I were, I would demonstrate that through my ACTIONS. I would be ACTIVELY SEARCHING for females and meeting them. It doesn't mean that I scroll through some pictures of lesbian/bi plentyoffish users and look at their profiles and get a reaction to them, which is what I did. That seems to be the limit of my bi-curiosity for now. I'm annoyed that 'they' made me do something which seems dishonest to me, in an attempt to be 'honest' and 'out' about who I am. I don't claim to do, and be, EVERYTHING to EVERYBODY. I break some of the mainstream rules, but I follow some of the mainstream rules as well, and I'm not bothering to go out and break all the rules for the sheer sake of breaking the rules when it doesn't reflect who I really am.
My actions in reality are 'ephebo-curious.' I've never had sex with a teenage guy before, except for a couple of unfinished attempts between me and Terry, like maybe twice or three times, and we never really succeeded because it was too difficult and I didn't know how to make it easier. (We should have had some kind of lubricant or something, probably.) All of my behavior nowadays is: this obsession towards a teenage guy. That's not what I call 'bi-curious.'
******
'They' woke me up with another idea this morning. It was the idea that Carrie is being disrespectful to Curtis and she also isn't having sex with him often enough. I already know that she is disrespectful to him in some ways - I've seen them together and she talks down to him. But I don't know anything at all about their sex life. It could be true or false. OF COURSE they would want me to believe that he isn't getting enough sex from her.
They portrayed her as the bisexual girl who isn't really interested in guys enough to have sex with them as often as she ought to, if he is going to be her husband. Not only that, but she might not even be bisexual, and she and Jayme might not really be 'making out.' That could still have been a joke or sarcasm to say 'They spend WAYY too much time together,' or something like that. That was true about me and Rachael - we spent wayyy too much time together - and lots of people thought that we were lesbians in a sexual relationship, but we weren't. So for all I know, he could have been being sarcastic. Or serious - I have no way of knowing unless I ask him, and I ... am scared to try starting up another text conversation or phone call right now. Carrie is saying on facebook that she doesn't care what anybody thinks of her and Jayme. Again, that statement could mean 'I don't care if they think we're lesbians/bi - we're not.' Or it could mean, 'We ARE having a sexual relationship, but I don't care how they judge us.' It isn't specific enough to know.
All of this could be, again, my wishful thinking. Wouldn't it be nice if he wasn't getting enough sex at home. That would mean he needed extra attention from me. As always, the voices encourage my wishful thinking.
****
The torture of trying to force myself to use the dating website... My anger is from feeling that all I want is to be believed. I would want to explain it, and show it, to someone, and have that person believe me, as though I'm a man, or as though I'm an Officially Recognized Expert on that subject. I'm tired of people only believing what the government tells them is true. I'm tired of people only believing what their elementary school education, and the television, and their neighbors, told them is true.
I haven't even been able to call these people back yet. I told them I was going to try to call. But I'm waking up really late because of some unknown problem causing severe fatigue - it's one of the drug residues or something, who knows which problem it is. Then, yesterday, I went out to go investigate a place where you can buy raw cow's milk - I saw it a week or two ago while I was out driving - and I was going to ask them to let me try a tiny bit of it (Note, I've already had raw goat's milk before, but it came frozen. I got it from Stone Soup. I survived drinking the raw goat's milk.). I would want to ask them how it was handled - did it go through an automatic milking machine? If so, could I buy some that I just milked by myself into a pail, so it wouldn't get bacterial/fungal slime from the walls of the pipes and tubes of the automatic milker and the containers it goes into? But instead of stopping there, I drove right by. I had just eaten something and my stomach was sick. I didn't want to do anything or talk to anybody. So I went on a long drive and got away from all of the emails that I was supposed to be sending, or phone calls I was supposed to be making. 'They' were telling me yesterday that I was acting more like a Sx/Sp, at least temporarily. The instinctual emphasis probably changes with your moods and hormones, I imagine.
Clarifying what I want on the dating website, and then, I think it's most important for me to GO OUT LOOKING instead of just passively answering the people who write to me. That's risky, but it's the same thing men have to do. I should make it hard for people to contact me, or something. Clarifying what I want, so that I can communicate it, seems to be most important, because I've discovered I don't just want guys who are willing to do my housework in exchange for sex, without even believing that drug residues and bone marrow vapors exist. In fact I can hardly bear the thought of it.
Grrr. I went to POF and got rid of the 'bi-curious' description. That DEFINITELY was something that the voices made me decide to put there. The more I thought about it, the more sure I was that I could not sustain a long-term sexual relationship with a female, and in reality, I'm not even all that interested in a plain old FRIENDSHIP with females, although it could be possible. I wondered why I had friendships with females when I was younger. The main reason is probably because, when I was young, I didn't have boyfriends! I might possibly get a female friend, but there won't be very many of them, and like I said, she would have to be somebody special, and she'd have to be able to 'take care of herself,' as in, not need me all the time.
'Bi-curious' would describe me if I was seriously in the mood at this time in my life to try having sex with females. If I were, I would demonstrate that through my ACTIONS. I would be ACTIVELY SEARCHING for females and meeting them. It doesn't mean that I scroll through some pictures of lesbian/bi plentyoffish users and look at their profiles and get a reaction to them, which is what I did. That seems to be the limit of my bi-curiosity for now. I'm annoyed that 'they' made me do something which seems dishonest to me, in an attempt to be 'honest' and 'out' about who I am. I don't claim to do, and be, EVERYTHING to EVERYBODY. I break some of the mainstream rules, but I follow some of the mainstream rules as well, and I'm not bothering to go out and break all the rules for the sheer sake of breaking the rules when it doesn't reflect who I really am.
My actions in reality are 'ephebo-curious.' I've never had sex with a teenage guy before, except for a couple of unfinished attempts between me and Terry, like maybe twice or three times, and we never really succeeded because it was too difficult and I didn't know how to make it easier. (We should have had some kind of lubricant or something, probably.) All of my behavior nowadays is: this obsession towards a teenage guy. That's not what I call 'bi-curious.'
******
'They' woke me up with another idea this morning. It was the idea that Carrie is being disrespectful to Curtis and she also isn't having sex with him often enough. I already know that she is disrespectful to him in some ways - I've seen them together and she talks down to him. But I don't know anything at all about their sex life. It could be true or false. OF COURSE they would want me to believe that he isn't getting enough sex from her.
They portrayed her as the bisexual girl who isn't really interested in guys enough to have sex with them as often as she ought to, if he is going to be her husband. Not only that, but she might not even be bisexual, and she and Jayme might not really be 'making out.' That could still have been a joke or sarcasm to say 'They spend WAYY too much time together,' or something like that. That was true about me and Rachael - we spent wayyy too much time together - and lots of people thought that we were lesbians in a sexual relationship, but we weren't. So for all I know, he could have been being sarcastic. Or serious - I have no way of knowing unless I ask him, and I ... am scared to try starting up another text conversation or phone call right now. Carrie is saying on facebook that she doesn't care what anybody thinks of her and Jayme. Again, that statement could mean 'I don't care if they think we're lesbians/bi - we're not.' Or it could mean, 'We ARE having a sexual relationship, but I don't care how they judge us.' It isn't specific enough to know.
All of this could be, again, my wishful thinking. Wouldn't it be nice if he wasn't getting enough sex at home. That would mean he needed extra attention from me. As always, the voices encourage my wishful thinking.
****
The torture of trying to force myself to use the dating website... My anger is from feeling that all I want is to be believed. I would want to explain it, and show it, to someone, and have that person believe me, as though I'm a man, or as though I'm an Officially Recognized Expert on that subject. I'm tired of people only believing what the government tells them is true. I'm tired of people only believing what their elementary school education, and the television, and their neighbors, told them is true.
I haven't even been able to call these people back yet. I told them I was going to try to call. But I'm waking up really late because of some unknown problem causing severe fatigue - it's one of the drug residues or something, who knows which problem it is. Then, yesterday, I went out to go investigate a place where you can buy raw cow's milk - I saw it a week or two ago while I was out driving - and I was going to ask them to let me try a tiny bit of it (Note, I've already had raw goat's milk before, but it came frozen. I got it from Stone Soup. I survived drinking the raw goat's milk.). I would want to ask them how it was handled - did it go through an automatic milking machine? If so, could I buy some that I just milked by myself into a pail, so it wouldn't get bacterial/fungal slime from the walls of the pipes and tubes of the automatic milker and the containers it goes into? But instead of stopping there, I drove right by. I had just eaten something and my stomach was sick. I didn't want to do anything or talk to anybody. So I went on a long drive and got away from all of the emails that I was supposed to be sending, or phone calls I was supposed to be making. 'They' were telling me yesterday that I was acting more like a Sx/Sp, at least temporarily. The instinctual emphasis probably changes with your moods and hormones, I imagine.
Clarifying what I want on the dating website, and then, I think it's most important for me to GO OUT LOOKING instead of just passively answering the people who write to me. That's risky, but it's the same thing men have to do. I should make it hard for people to contact me, or something. Clarifying what I want, so that I can communicate it, seems to be most important, because I've discovered I don't just want guys who are willing to do my housework in exchange for sex, without even believing that drug residues and bone marrow vapors exist. In fact I can hardly bear the thought of it.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Did 4 people try to call me and not get through?; and, "I'm the boss"
I've had a few people contacting me in email about my ad for housecleaning and help with life in general. However, I wasn't getting calls from the people who looked at the laundromat ad on paper. That one had my home phone number on it. Today I met someone and talked with him in person about what I need to have done - he was someone who responded by email to my ad on Craigslist, not the laundromat ad.
On the way home, I stopped at the laundromat and saw that four (or five, it was hard to tell, I just glanced at it) of the tags had been pulled off my ad, which means people were interested. But I didn't have any messages from anyone on my machine, although last night, I got some kind of call from somebody who I still need to call back today. The home phone and answering machine are the one where I think I have had problems with people not getting through. I suppose I could buy a new answering machine, but I'm wondering whether the problems will still happen no matter what kind of answering machine I have, sort of like the calculator I bought which would malfunction at the same moment that I would hear voices and get a 'rage' attack.
What happens with that phone, from what I've been able to piece together, is that people call it, and hear a message answering them as though they've reached the machine. Then they talk to it and then it cuts off. No message is ever recorded, and I can't hear anything at all if I stand over it while they're talking. I just hear the ringing, then nothing. If I pick up the phone at that moment, nobody is there and I will get a dial tone. I can do *69, which I've tried occasionally, but I seem to remember that it would give me telemarketers and things like that. I verified that something was happening because I called back someone who I knew was trying to reach me, and she said yes, indeed she had heard a message and she had tried to say something and then had gotten disconnected, and wasn't sure if the message was ever recorded. I can't tell if it's only the answering machine, or if it is being tampered with, and I'd have problems no matter what kind of phone or machine I purchased.
"I'm the boss." - Instinctual Types. Some speculation that I might have a strong social instinct and might be a so/sx Four. Or maybe even an so/sp Four. While talking to this guy during the 'interview' today, I was in the 'superior' position, since I was the person offering to pay $25 a week for somebody to help me for a couple of hours. I'm never in a socially superior situation at my job - I'm not the one who decides how we do things around here, I just have to do what they tell me, and if I disagree with them, too bad. It feels good to be the person who decides how we are going to do things around here. People would do what I tell them to do, because I am paying them to do what I tell them to do. I don't have to fight and argue and try to convince people to believe me and go against the entire corporate culture of a big business whenever I don't like the way they do something. This is just me, by myself, asking somebody to help me cook and do my laundry and take out the trash because I'm too sick, miserable, depressed, and exhausted to do it myself on my days off.
So/Sx Fours do well if they have somebody supporting them as they accomplish their goals. They also can resemble Sevens because they're 'putting on a happy face' in a social environment. It might explain why they thought I was a Seven, especially since I get manic when I'm on drugs. So/Sx Four also is said to have a million different interests and projects that they can never complete, and that describes me. Problems with focusing on one project and getting it completely done, all by yourself - I can't do that very well, but I can work much better if other people are around me.
It's still hard to decide what my instinctual stacking is, because I 'have' all three instincts: everybody 'has' all three. Anytime I do something that has to do with self-preservation, I get bombarded by voices trying to convince me that self-preservation is my strongest instinct, but I am unable to look deeply or have insight into the situation, because the bombardment makes my brain shallow and unable to understand anything. The same happens if some situation involves the social instinct or the sexual instinct, and I try to look at it and see how it fits in with the rest of my life and my personality. Anytime I try to understand myself at all, I get hit with fake thoughts that prevent any real insight or understanding. Anyway, you can see the effects of all three instincts because, like I said, everybody 'has' them all, it's just the question of which ones are the strongest, the most well developed, the most relied upon, and which ones are the weakest.
I get manic when I think about what I could do if I hired people to work on projects with me. You can think about things like division and specialization of labor: when a group of people works together, one person can do this, while another person does that, and it all gets done faster and easier.
'Social critic.' That was part of the description of a Four with a strong social instinct. But I'm not looking like Rita Skeeter, the journalist who wants to dig up the dirt and the secrets on everybody. It's more like complaining about the entire culture in general, which might mean I'm a So/Sp. I complain that we're eating bad foods, using too many drugs, paying too many taxes, having too many economic boom and bust cycles, etc.
This is still only a theory. I'm 'trying on' the various instinctual stackings to see which ones seem to fit, and I can't think about it directly - instead, I have to just let 'them' decide when it's the right moment to 'inform' me about which type I am, because I am physically prevented from looking at myself, looking into my own mind.
I've found, through the years, that particular personality types get a bad rap, especially if you don't understand them properly. It happened when I first learned about personality types, in college, when my roommate took some kind of test that said she was an ISTJ, and I was curious about it and decided to go take the test myself. I got weird answers: INTP was my first result. Other times I got INFP, and sometimes INTJ. I took the test again, and again, and again, and I saw that there were four groups of questions in a certain order, and I figured out which letter each question was testing for.
There is a problem with how people interpret the questions about 'possibilities,' which will get you described as an 'N' when you are actually an SP artisan. The test needs to be rewritten. Anyway, from the beginning, when I started reading those books, I got the feeling that it was 'bad' to be a certain type. Some types were 'worse' than other types. So you try to avoid getting classified as that type. In the instinctual stackings, it's 'bad' to be an So/Sp, because those are 'social climbers' and 'politicians.' I don't FEEL like a social climber or politician!
On the way home, I stopped at the laundromat and saw that four (or five, it was hard to tell, I just glanced at it) of the tags had been pulled off my ad, which means people were interested. But I didn't have any messages from anyone on my machine, although last night, I got some kind of call from somebody who I still need to call back today. The home phone and answering machine are the one where I think I have had problems with people not getting through. I suppose I could buy a new answering machine, but I'm wondering whether the problems will still happen no matter what kind of answering machine I have, sort of like the calculator I bought which would malfunction at the same moment that I would hear voices and get a 'rage' attack.
What happens with that phone, from what I've been able to piece together, is that people call it, and hear a message answering them as though they've reached the machine. Then they talk to it and then it cuts off. No message is ever recorded, and I can't hear anything at all if I stand over it while they're talking. I just hear the ringing, then nothing. If I pick up the phone at that moment, nobody is there and I will get a dial tone. I can do *69, which I've tried occasionally, but I seem to remember that it would give me telemarketers and things like that. I verified that something was happening because I called back someone who I knew was trying to reach me, and she said yes, indeed she had heard a message and she had tried to say something and then had gotten disconnected, and wasn't sure if the message was ever recorded. I can't tell if it's only the answering machine, or if it is being tampered with, and I'd have problems no matter what kind of phone or machine I purchased.
"I'm the boss." - Instinctual Types. Some speculation that I might have a strong social instinct and might be a so/sx Four. Or maybe even an so/sp Four. While talking to this guy during the 'interview' today, I was in the 'superior' position, since I was the person offering to pay $25 a week for somebody to help me for a couple of hours. I'm never in a socially superior situation at my job - I'm not the one who decides how we do things around here, I just have to do what they tell me, and if I disagree with them, too bad. It feels good to be the person who decides how we are going to do things around here. People would do what I tell them to do, because I am paying them to do what I tell them to do. I don't have to fight and argue and try to convince people to believe me and go against the entire corporate culture of a big business whenever I don't like the way they do something. This is just me, by myself, asking somebody to help me cook and do my laundry and take out the trash because I'm too sick, miserable, depressed, and exhausted to do it myself on my days off.
So/Sx Fours do well if they have somebody supporting them as they accomplish their goals. They also can resemble Sevens because they're 'putting on a happy face' in a social environment. It might explain why they thought I was a Seven, especially since I get manic when I'm on drugs. So/Sx Four also is said to have a million different interests and projects that they can never complete, and that describes me. Problems with focusing on one project and getting it completely done, all by yourself - I can't do that very well, but I can work much better if other people are around me.
It's still hard to decide what my instinctual stacking is, because I 'have' all three instincts: everybody 'has' all three. Anytime I do something that has to do with self-preservation, I get bombarded by voices trying to convince me that self-preservation is my strongest instinct, but I am unable to look deeply or have insight into the situation, because the bombardment makes my brain shallow and unable to understand anything. The same happens if some situation involves the social instinct or the sexual instinct, and I try to look at it and see how it fits in with the rest of my life and my personality. Anytime I try to understand myself at all, I get hit with fake thoughts that prevent any real insight or understanding. Anyway, you can see the effects of all three instincts because, like I said, everybody 'has' them all, it's just the question of which ones are the strongest, the most well developed, the most relied upon, and which ones are the weakest.
I get manic when I think about what I could do if I hired people to work on projects with me. You can think about things like division and specialization of labor: when a group of people works together, one person can do this, while another person does that, and it all gets done faster and easier.
'Social critic.' That was part of the description of a Four with a strong social instinct. But I'm not looking like Rita Skeeter, the journalist who wants to dig up the dirt and the secrets on everybody. It's more like complaining about the entire culture in general, which might mean I'm a So/Sp. I complain that we're eating bad foods, using too many drugs, paying too many taxes, having too many economic boom and bust cycles, etc.
This is still only a theory. I'm 'trying on' the various instinctual stackings to see which ones seem to fit, and I can't think about it directly - instead, I have to just let 'them' decide when it's the right moment to 'inform' me about which type I am, because I am physically prevented from looking at myself, looking into my own mind.
I've found, through the years, that particular personality types get a bad rap, especially if you don't understand them properly. It happened when I first learned about personality types, in college, when my roommate took some kind of test that said she was an ISTJ, and I was curious about it and decided to go take the test myself. I got weird answers: INTP was my first result. Other times I got INFP, and sometimes INTJ. I took the test again, and again, and again, and I saw that there were four groups of questions in a certain order, and I figured out which letter each question was testing for.
There is a problem with how people interpret the questions about 'possibilities,' which will get you described as an 'N' when you are actually an SP artisan. The test needs to be rewritten. Anyway, from the beginning, when I started reading those books, I got the feeling that it was 'bad' to be a certain type. Some types were 'worse' than other types. So you try to avoid getting classified as that type. In the instinctual stackings, it's 'bad' to be an So/Sp, because those are 'social climbers' and 'politicians.' I don't FEEL like a social climber or politician!
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Sx/So?
I'm still working on this, trying to decide my instinctual type. After a conversation on the phone with Peter, they urged me to call myself sx/so instead of sx/sp. It was because he likes to use sexual symbolism, and I don't, and I find sexual symbolism to be annoying and irritating. I only do it if I feel pressured to do it, to please the other person, but it's not natural to me. The sx/sp is supposedly one that enjoys, or tends to use, sexual symbols. The particular symbol was 'sucking on a lollipop.' I get impatient with using symbols to refer to sexual acts.
I also remember having a lot of forced-hypnosis nightmares where they use symbols to refer to sexual acts, and then they force me awake, and then they remind me about the dream while I'm lying there half-awake, to explain to me that symbols were used in the dream, and to explain what the symbols meant, and then they force me to feel angry about it, even though I am physically incapable of feeling angry on my own, because I'm in a half-asleep hypnotized state where I can't question anything or defend myself.
I watched Twilight - New Moon, without having read any of the books, and without seeing the first movie either. I decided Bella is sx/sp. She's interested in bonding with ONE person, and she strongly values feeling part of a family. Themes of family bonds are in that movie.
She also has the 'extreme sports' behavior that they said will happen with sx/sp. It's not limited to just that type, though, because I loved skiing and if I had infinite money, I'd do more sports (although my old bones might be developing osteoporosis, because of a variety of factors, such as the drug contamination, which are bad for my health).
Another theme was 'my lover will physically protect me.' I can understand that, but it wasn't a big issue for me. I don't really like 'big muscles' type guys and I never really fantasized much about being rescued or protected by the guy. Instead, I am more focused on whether the guy respects my intelligence, my competence, my knowledge, my decision-making (social respect) because most of the time in my life I feel as though nobody takes me seriously (Nicole couldn't possibly know anything about medicine - she's not a doctor - I'll only listen to the doctor's advice and I'll dismiss everything that Nicole says I should/shouldn't be doing. She has these crazy, delusional ideas that she got off the internet.). It's more important to me that the guy sees me as somebody socially respected - not socially inferior - not somebody to dismiss and ignore all of my radical ideas and things I found on the internet. 'Take me seriously' is the issue, instead of 'protect me from physical danger.'
For the sx/so, my feeling is more like, 'All of society needs to be drastically changed.' To solve every problem, no matter how trivial, you have to ***CHANGE THE ENTIRE WORLD!!!!!*** This is like reading Ayn Rand's objectivist books, or like the feminist belief system, or environmentalism. Radical ideas, with '-ism' at the end, are what sx/so's are interested in.
Here, in my mid-thirties, when I want to start a family, and I want to avoid getting a divorce, and I want to have children before I lose the opportunity forever - I now have to teach myself to accept family values, when this didn't come naturally to me. Family values - marry one person, and only one person, and stay with them forever - trust that person not to beat you up and abuse you, not to trap you financially and make you dependent, not to be boring and unattractive and sexually unsatisfying - I have to think about all of those things. I am asking questions about polyfidelity - can it be possible, or desirable, to be bonded for a long time with more than one person? Is there a real need to do that, or does it mean that your relationship has something wrong with it, something missing, which you are trying to find someplace else? Why would my husband 'pay me to stay home' if I were having sexual relationships with more than one person? What is he paying for, if not monogamy? Why would one person have to pay, and another person doesn't? Because that's what you're doing, when you marry someone and make her a housewife. She's receiving food and shelter, which is money in the form of barter.
(With farming, the work is done at home, and so I agree with the Amish that the farm lifestyle is ideal for families. The husband doesn't go away - he stays home to do his work. The children can be with their father and their mother both, all day long, while the farm work is done. Children are legally allowed to work on the farm, whereas the child labor laws forbid them to work anyplace else (solution... you guessed it, 'change society,' change the rules, it shouldn't be illegal for children to work).)
And the person also has to be willing to 'pay me to stay home.' Because it's usually illegal or socially unacceptable or just a rule in a particular corporation, we're not allowed to carry our infant babies to work and breastfeed them in the workplace while we do our job. (To fix this problem, we have to ***CHANGE ALL OF SOCIETY!!!***) It shouldn't be illegal, against company policy, or socially unacceptable to bring your baby to work and breastfeed it in the workplace. This type of belief is more like an sx/so, because it's focused on problems with the social system, with the large-scale social environment. I'm just trying to pinpoint which type I am and I haven't yet gone on a forum and asked other people for their opinions.
So anyhow, as I've been trying to figure out my instinctual type, I decided that the 'change society' attitude probably means I'm an sx/so.
I haven't talked much about this for a while, but 'they' have encouraged me to create a new religion, and I accepted this as something I would agree to do. It can't be done instantly, and it is more like a life mission, something that will take a long time. My religion REQUIRES breastfeeding, and to not breastfeed is against the religion. It is an explicit rule. You must find a wet nurse if for any reason you cannot breastfeed. So I have to plan a way that I will be able to do this, and either work on the farm, or get paid to stay home, or break rules, or find a corporation that will allow me to literally carry my baby around with me all day. This is something I have to plan out before I can marry someone - he has to agree to it.
I just keep thinking, I wouldn't want to do that if I were a man. I've read Warren Farrell. Because of that, I try to see things from the man's point of view. He becomes a slave, especially if he hates his job. I can understand how it feels to hate your job, because I've never really loved any job that I ever worked at, except I sincerely enjoy McDonald's, especially College Avenue during a football game, when it's total insanity that goes on for hours and hours. Working at College Avenue McDonald's during a football game weekend is an extreme sport.
And I bonded with the people there and I don't want to leave them. Not only that, but on the last night when I expected to work there, my own store asked me to stay instead of going to College Avenue, so I unexpectedly didn't get to go to College Avenue, so I didn't say goodbye to anybody, and I just didn't show up. That sucked. So then I went there a few days ago to pick up some Angus buns for our store because we ran out of them, and I had to see the people again, the familiar faces, and I saw grief and pain and sadness. I don't want to separate from these people. They liked me and I liked them.
But football season is over and I have no excuse to go work at that store. I would have to deliberately ask for a special arrangement to just go work there for the heck of it, or transfer there and disconnect from all the people I've bonded with at my OWN store, which I also don't want to do. To 'Have it all,' to stay connected with all the people I know at all the different McDonald's, would mean that I would have to work at the Nittany Mall, North Atherton, Hills, and College Avenue, because they are scattered to all of those places.
But anyway, about being a financial slave, paying your wife to stay home and watch soap operas - I know about that because of Warren Farrell. So in order to avoid a bad marriage, I need to plan out what kind of arrangement my husband would be willing, and happy, to do. I would like to earn money somehow myself while being married, so it would have to be a home business, or whatever.
I don't have time now to get into it, because I'm on the library computer and I'm running out of time. I drank coffee a while ago, and haven't eaten, and I know from past experience that if I do that, it causes me to write blogs that go on for hours and hours and hours, because writing is a substitute for eating, for taking care of myself. Talking too much usually means that you have some kind of physical problem, like drug use, drug withdrawal (usually tobacco), hunger, low blood sugar, or a 'chemical problem' - artificial flavors, salicylates, etc - like the Feingold diet talks about. Tobacco in particular I'm familiar with, because over the years I've known so many people who either smoke or chew tobacco, and I've seen how their tobacco ups and downs, their uses and withdrawals, affect their moods and behavior.
I'm sure I'll think of more stuff I didn't get to write. And I haven't even done all the other things I need to do on the internet and I won't have time. More later then.
I also remember having a lot of forced-hypnosis nightmares where they use symbols to refer to sexual acts, and then they force me awake, and then they remind me about the dream while I'm lying there half-awake, to explain to me that symbols were used in the dream, and to explain what the symbols meant, and then they force me to feel angry about it, even though I am physically incapable of feeling angry on my own, because I'm in a half-asleep hypnotized state where I can't question anything or defend myself.
I watched Twilight - New Moon, without having read any of the books, and without seeing the first movie either. I decided Bella is sx/sp. She's interested in bonding with ONE person, and she strongly values feeling part of a family. Themes of family bonds are in that movie.
She also has the 'extreme sports' behavior that they said will happen with sx/sp. It's not limited to just that type, though, because I loved skiing and if I had infinite money, I'd do more sports (although my old bones might be developing osteoporosis, because of a variety of factors, such as the drug contamination, which are bad for my health).
Another theme was 'my lover will physically protect me.' I can understand that, but it wasn't a big issue for me. I don't really like 'big muscles' type guys and I never really fantasized much about being rescued or protected by the guy. Instead, I am more focused on whether the guy respects my intelligence, my competence, my knowledge, my decision-making (social respect) because most of the time in my life I feel as though nobody takes me seriously (Nicole couldn't possibly know anything about medicine - she's not a doctor - I'll only listen to the doctor's advice and I'll dismiss everything that Nicole says I should/shouldn't be doing. She has these crazy, delusional ideas that she got off the internet.). It's more important to me that the guy sees me as somebody socially respected - not socially inferior - not somebody to dismiss and ignore all of my radical ideas and things I found on the internet. 'Take me seriously' is the issue, instead of 'protect me from physical danger.'
For the sx/so, my feeling is more like, 'All of society needs to be drastically changed.' To solve every problem, no matter how trivial, you have to ***CHANGE THE ENTIRE WORLD!!!!!*** This is like reading Ayn Rand's objectivist books, or like the feminist belief system, or environmentalism. Radical ideas, with '-ism' at the end, are what sx/so's are interested in.
Here, in my mid-thirties, when I want to start a family, and I want to avoid getting a divorce, and I want to have children before I lose the opportunity forever - I now have to teach myself to accept family values, when this didn't come naturally to me. Family values - marry one person, and only one person, and stay with them forever - trust that person not to beat you up and abuse you, not to trap you financially and make you dependent, not to be boring and unattractive and sexually unsatisfying - I have to think about all of those things. I am asking questions about polyfidelity - can it be possible, or desirable, to be bonded for a long time with more than one person? Is there a real need to do that, or does it mean that your relationship has something wrong with it, something missing, which you are trying to find someplace else? Why would my husband 'pay me to stay home' if I were having sexual relationships with more than one person? What is he paying for, if not monogamy? Why would one person have to pay, and another person doesn't? Because that's what you're doing, when you marry someone and make her a housewife. She's receiving food and shelter, which is money in the form of barter.
(With farming, the work is done at home, and so I agree with the Amish that the farm lifestyle is ideal for families. The husband doesn't go away - he stays home to do his work. The children can be with their father and their mother both, all day long, while the farm work is done. Children are legally allowed to work on the farm, whereas the child labor laws forbid them to work anyplace else (solution... you guessed it, 'change society,' change the rules, it shouldn't be illegal for children to work).)
And the person also has to be willing to 'pay me to stay home.' Because it's usually illegal or socially unacceptable or just a rule in a particular corporation, we're not allowed to carry our infant babies to work and breastfeed them in the workplace while we do our job. (To fix this problem, we have to ***CHANGE ALL OF SOCIETY!!!***) It shouldn't be illegal, against company policy, or socially unacceptable to bring your baby to work and breastfeed it in the workplace. This type of belief is more like an sx/so, because it's focused on problems with the social system, with the large-scale social environment. I'm just trying to pinpoint which type I am and I haven't yet gone on a forum and asked other people for their opinions.
So anyhow, as I've been trying to figure out my instinctual type, I decided that the 'change society' attitude probably means I'm an sx/so.
I haven't talked much about this for a while, but 'they' have encouraged me to create a new religion, and I accepted this as something I would agree to do. It can't be done instantly, and it is more like a life mission, something that will take a long time. My religion REQUIRES breastfeeding, and to not breastfeed is against the religion. It is an explicit rule. You must find a wet nurse if for any reason you cannot breastfeed. So I have to plan a way that I will be able to do this, and either work on the farm, or get paid to stay home, or break rules, or find a corporation that will allow me to literally carry my baby around with me all day. This is something I have to plan out before I can marry someone - he has to agree to it.
I just keep thinking, I wouldn't want to do that if I were a man. I've read Warren Farrell. Because of that, I try to see things from the man's point of view. He becomes a slave, especially if he hates his job. I can understand how it feels to hate your job, because I've never really loved any job that I ever worked at, except I sincerely enjoy McDonald's, especially College Avenue during a football game, when it's total insanity that goes on for hours and hours. Working at College Avenue McDonald's during a football game weekend is an extreme sport.
And I bonded with the people there and I don't want to leave them. Not only that, but on the last night when I expected to work there, my own store asked me to stay instead of going to College Avenue, so I unexpectedly didn't get to go to College Avenue, so I didn't say goodbye to anybody, and I just didn't show up. That sucked. So then I went there a few days ago to pick up some Angus buns for our store because we ran out of them, and I had to see the people again, the familiar faces, and I saw grief and pain and sadness. I don't want to separate from these people. They liked me and I liked them.
But football season is over and I have no excuse to go work at that store. I would have to deliberately ask for a special arrangement to just go work there for the heck of it, or transfer there and disconnect from all the people I've bonded with at my OWN store, which I also don't want to do. To 'Have it all,' to stay connected with all the people I know at all the different McDonald's, would mean that I would have to work at the Nittany Mall, North Atherton, Hills, and College Avenue, because they are scattered to all of those places.
But anyway, about being a financial slave, paying your wife to stay home and watch soap operas - I know about that because of Warren Farrell. So in order to avoid a bad marriage, I need to plan out what kind of arrangement my husband would be willing, and happy, to do. I would like to earn money somehow myself while being married, so it would have to be a home business, or whatever.
I don't have time now to get into it, because I'm on the library computer and I'm running out of time. I drank coffee a while ago, and haven't eaten, and I know from past experience that if I do that, it causes me to write blogs that go on for hours and hours and hours, because writing is a substitute for eating, for taking care of myself. Talking too much usually means that you have some kind of physical problem, like drug use, drug withdrawal (usually tobacco), hunger, low blood sugar, or a 'chemical problem' - artificial flavors, salicylates, etc - like the Feingold diet talks about. Tobacco in particular I'm familiar with, because over the years I've known so many people who either smoke or chew tobacco, and I've seen how their tobacco ups and downs, their uses and withdrawals, affect their moods and behavior.
I'm sure I'll think of more stuff I didn't get to write. And I haven't even done all the other things I need to do on the internet and I won't have time. More later then.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
obama: so/sx. bush: so/sp.
http://www.ocean-moonshine.net/e142857369/index.php?module=pagemaster&PAGE_user_op=view_page&PAGE_id=42&MMN_position=80:80
that web page has a problem if you try just going to www.ocean-moonshine.net. you can't go to that top level page. i found that site when it was in my google search results for information about the enneagram and the instinctual subtypes.
instincts that ichazo and others have described and how they affect the enneagram type:
so = social
sx = sexual
sp = self-preservation
here is my current theory:
obama: so/sx. bush: so/sp.
obama seems 'accessible' and 'human.' he wrote poetry a long time ago and shows signs of 'passion' or 'soul.' people comment about his loving relationship with his wife, and how they still show passion and intimacy with each other.
bush was more dry, inaccessible. after he went crazy, after the world trade center attack, people hated him and described him as soulless, like there was nothing alive in there, no self-awareness, no feeling for unique individual human beings. this is the so/sp at its worst. it's like he saw a huge, faceless mass of meaningless people, and they all were potentially a threat, a danger, a crowd of unpredictable animals and monsters who might rebel at any moment, who needed to be spied on, and tortured, and interrogated, in order to make sure they wouldn't get out of control.
so/sps are not always like that, but if something bad is going on, they become the 'soulless politician' much more than the other type does.
the so/sx has a stronger connection with people's individual souls. the sx instinct is said to represent passion and mystical feelings in addition to sex, the passionate love of life and your soul mate (or mates plural).
so/sx is described as 'big brother/big sister' and 'best friend to many.' i see albus dumbledore as probably so/sx as well. he isn't 'dry and inaccessible' or 'seeming inhuman' when under stress. he still knows that he's dealing with real human beings.
i would like to see some healthy role models for the other type, the so/sp. because right now, i'm giving them a bad rap, but not all so/sps have to be bad. george bush was definitely the worst case scenario for that type.
i think ayn rand described a healthy so/sp type in some of her characterizations. she sometimes talked about the businessman who was 'all business' and who was criticized for that. she glorified that businessman. the enneagram type eight so/sp is described that way when they become the CEO, and they make a very competent CEO but people don't like the 'all business' attitude that they show.
so/sp is described as the 'respectable business person' or 'respected pillar of the community.' there is a real need for these people and they can be healthy, so don't just think of george bush at his worst when you think of this type. many respectable, competent business people are this type but they are all very human.
so i don't know for sure if obama is so/sx, but it's a theory that i'm considering for now. i'll keep thinking about it. it would explain why he 'feels more accesssible' and 'acts like one of the guys' more than george bush did. since i don't have television, i can't get an impression of his behavior visually, but i have seen a couple speeches, and i felt 'passion' and 'charisma' in those speeches, which represents the sexual instinct, instead of a dry, all-business approach. again, just a theory for now.
that web page has a problem if you try just going to www.ocean-moonshine.net. you can't go to that top level page. i found that site when it was in my google search results for information about the enneagram and the instinctual subtypes.
instincts that ichazo and others have described and how they affect the enneagram type:
so = social
sx = sexual
sp = self-preservation
here is my current theory:
obama: so/sx. bush: so/sp.
obama seems 'accessible' and 'human.' he wrote poetry a long time ago and shows signs of 'passion' or 'soul.' people comment about his loving relationship with his wife, and how they still show passion and intimacy with each other.
bush was more dry, inaccessible. after he went crazy, after the world trade center attack, people hated him and described him as soulless, like there was nothing alive in there, no self-awareness, no feeling for unique individual human beings. this is the so/sp at its worst. it's like he saw a huge, faceless mass of meaningless people, and they all were potentially a threat, a danger, a crowd of unpredictable animals and monsters who might rebel at any moment, who needed to be spied on, and tortured, and interrogated, in order to make sure they wouldn't get out of control.
so/sps are not always like that, but if something bad is going on, they become the 'soulless politician' much more than the other type does.
the so/sx has a stronger connection with people's individual souls. the sx instinct is said to represent passion and mystical feelings in addition to sex, the passionate love of life and your soul mate (or mates plural).
so/sx is described as 'big brother/big sister' and 'best friend to many.' i see albus dumbledore as probably so/sx as well. he isn't 'dry and inaccessible' or 'seeming inhuman' when under stress. he still knows that he's dealing with real human beings.
i would like to see some healthy role models for the other type, the so/sp. because right now, i'm giving them a bad rap, but not all so/sps have to be bad. george bush was definitely the worst case scenario for that type.
i think ayn rand described a healthy so/sp type in some of her characterizations. she sometimes talked about the businessman who was 'all business' and who was criticized for that. she glorified that businessman. the enneagram type eight so/sp is described that way when they become the CEO, and they make a very competent CEO but people don't like the 'all business' attitude that they show.
so/sp is described as the 'respectable business person' or 'respected pillar of the community.' there is a real need for these people and they can be healthy, so don't just think of george bush at his worst when you think of this type. many respectable, competent business people are this type but they are all very human.
so i don't know for sure if obama is so/sx, but it's a theory that i'm considering for now. i'll keep thinking about it. it would explain why he 'feels more accesssible' and 'acts like one of the guys' more than george bush did. since i don't have television, i can't get an impression of his behavior visually, but i have seen a couple speeches, and i felt 'passion' and 'charisma' in those speeches, which represents the sexual instinct, instead of a dry, all-business approach. again, just a theory for now.
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