Socializing

8:21 PM 8/11/10

I visited Peter in the hospital today. They did an operation on the artery in his left leg to improve the blood flow to his foot. He says that the pain has been greatly reduced.

I have a bunch of different things to say, but I don't know if I'll be able to say them all.

the dream
inception
socializing
edward cullen
myspace
curtis (that's always in the list of topics)

I saw the movie Inception. I liked it and I might see it again. Somehow it didn't 'push my buttons' in quite the right way to make me feel strong emotions. It might be because there was too much music throughout the whole movie, constantly. I like it to be a little quieter. If I watch it again, maybe I'll figure out why it didn't quite work for me.

There are people who create every dream that I dream every night, just like in that movie. But it's not just one dream, and it's not to accomplish some big important purpose. I am just an ordinary person and there is no big purpose other than to entertain some people who are using software and equipment for purposes that they shouldn't be using it for. I don't know what kind of software or what methods they use to create my dreams, but I do know that all of my dreams are fake. I don't know when was the last time I had a real dream. They are doing it for harassment reasons, for entertainment, and probably, because somebody somewhere paid them to destroy my life, for unknown reasons.

I am familiar with something - I could relate to the victim, the target, in that movie - the guy whose corporation they wanted to break up. When he reconciled with his father, it was supposed to be a big, emotionally moving moment, something deep and wonderful and special. But it was fake, and it was done for somebody's purpose, and that purpose had nothing to do with helping that guy to develop himself spiritually. That guy thought that he was experiencing spiritual development, spiritual growth, by realizing that he shouldn't be like his father. But it was all fake and manipulated. My experiences are just like that. I had fake religious experiences when I was doing therapy with Judith Swack, and they were so fake and cheesy that I couldn't possibly have ever believed they were real. I don't know what her OTHER clients experienced, but if theirs was as fake and cheesy as mine was, then there must be a lot of other disillusioned people like me - I can't imagine ANYONE would believe it.

******
I think it was last night that I sent an email to Curtis. 'They' gave me a dream when I took a nap afterwards. Supposedly, he was grateful to receive the email. So they gave me a sexual dream. I'm actually not really angry about this particular dream. It was sort of cute. But I have to explain the story behind it.

The voices called me the 'COW' - Creepy Old Woman - as a joke, because I don't look really old, and sometimes, young guys find me attractive - though I haven't actually hooked up with any of them yet. So when we say that I'm the 'COW', we don't really mean it, it's a joke. (But when I get an email from Curtis on MySpace, which he claims he doesn't remember sending, because he was drunk all that week, and the email says that I'm 35 years old and it gives him the creeps, THAT, on the other hand, is NOT funny, and in fact, it hurt me very badly and I haven't forgotten it. As usual I question whether he really sent the email or whether it was from the hackers.)

*taboo alert* - I've been paying attention, in the last 24 hours, to my feeling of anxiety whenever I talk about a social taboo. Anytime I say some theory or belief of mine that I know most of society disagrees with, I feel this sense of anxiety, and it's exactly like in the movie, Inception, where all the 'subconscious projections' suddenly turn their heads and look directly at you, because they've detected an intruder. I get that feeling that all of society turns its hundred million hostile faces towards me, when I speak of a social taboo. There is danger in speaking a taboo. You can get committed to a mental hospital. You can get convicted of harassment or other crimes. You can lose your job. You can destroy your reputation. Many dangerous things can happen to a person who speaks a social taboo. 'We' have been paying attention to my social instinct in the last few days, as we study my Ichazo's Instinctual Stackings. The social instinct seeks protection and empowerment within larger social groups, and it fears displacement of your social position or harm to your reputation.

The taboo was: Hackers, unknown people, are reading my email, watching everything I do on my computer, and interfering with my life, for their own malicious reasons. They interfere with my emails, and I have gotten emails claiming to be from a particular person but which were written in a different style, as though some other person wrote it. This is all taboo - you can't just walk out on the street and talk about this with the average person. They will think it's a conspiracy theory and you're delusional. Hackers, however, and other groups of people, might agree with you, because they know it's possible, and they know people are malicious enough to do that. So some specific groups of people will believe you. That's my opposite of the hundred million hostile faces. For every million hostile faces, there are a million smiling faces somewhere else. You just have to find them.

So anyway, I am the COW. And because I'm the COW, Curtis is 'the bull.' So in the dream, they portrayed him as a black bull. Why was he black? Because he's another Angus cow, like I am. I'm an Angus cow, because I'm not a dairy cow: I don't have big boobs. And the Angus cows are beef cows, which means they're meant to be eaten. So that's why he was a black bull. Come to think of it, he doesn't have big boobs either. He was a rather small black bull, the size of a large dog, and he had long soft pettable fur, not like the usual fur on a cow or bull. I was sitting in my front yard at the house in West Virginia. That's probably because I was writing a note about my father's money, wondering about how much I will inherit someday (and may that be a long, long way off, I'm not rushing it). So that's why I was at that house, because I guess my brother John and I will inherit the house.

So this black bull runs up to me, and I get scared of it, because who wouldn't be scared when a big, scary, dangerous animal runs up to you. It laid down on its back in the 'submissive' position and wanted me to rub its belly. And I know which incident this is referring to. That was the time when, not too long ago, I was getting soup from the soup bar and Curtis came up to me and stood very close and called me some erotic words including the f-word and magnetically pulled me towards him to touch him. But instead I started laughing, the worst possible thing I could have ever done, and I lost an opportunity. So in the dream I didn't start laughing, I just rubbed the bull's belly like I was supposed to, and then I was jerking him off - I could feel the soft-hard skin sliding under my hand - and (I can't write this) he came on my leg, and I moaned when he came. And then he was relaxed and peaceful.

Then in the next dream he was a 'dragon,' and I've already blogged about the dragon some time ago. Curtis also has a dragon decal on his car. The dragon was dignified and serious and unapproachable - different from the black bull in the other dream. I think he was a pale, lavender purple color, but I'm not sure. I don't know why he was that color. The dragon was talking to me, unlike the bull, who said nothing, and the dragon told me things that I can't remember - I never can remember what they say in the dreams. Somehow I ended up climbing up on the dragon's head and then massaging its neck, all the way down its back, and I had something on my hands, something slippery like shampoo. I was stroking the dragon's back and I don't remember how it ended. I think I slid down its tail and landed on the floor. That was because I've touched Curtis's back once in a while in the real world, and I tried to tell him that these were not just casual, friendly touches, because I never touch anybody - I was touching him because I was sexually attracted to him, and all of the touching was sexual, not friendly.

Like I said, I didn't get mad about the dreams, because they were actually sort of cute and enjoyable.

I'm reading Twilight. When I told my brother I had seen the movie and I liked the soundtrack, he had a sort of 'ick' reaction, and I understood - originally I felt the same way. He had heard that the movies weren't very good. Actually, I myself feel that the movies weren't very well done, but I'm reading the books now and I like the books better, I think. They are not a life-changing masterpiece but I'm enjoying them. And I will probably enjoy them more as I go along. I didn't like Harry Potter at first, either, and before I read it, I was very strongly anti-Potter because it was so popular, and, in my experience, if something is very popular, it's something I won't like. I have an almost physical instinct to avoid everything that's popular, and look for little-known, esoteric, obscure things that nobody else has found. Still, now that I've read Harry Potter, and now Twilight, I'm in with the popular crowd on this opinion. But I can't use those books to tell me whether or not I'll like somebody. If somebody tells me that they like Harry Potter, I still might not like them overall as a person.

Anyway, Edward Cullen laughs at Bella a lot in the first book. It happened often enough that I noticed it. I wondered about this because I have accidentally laughed at Curtis several times and felt terrible about it. It usually ruined some opportunity or destroyed the trust that he feels for me.

Something that I'm feeling while I read the book is a frustration that they can't spend enough time together, and instead, they just have these special moments, with big spaces in between where they don't see each other enough. I know *exactly* how that feels.

I don't remember what specifically I was going to say about MySpace. I've been trying to socialize, to meet people online, and I'm only doing it little by little. I don't like meeting new people whenever I still have an obsession with one specific person in my mind, someone who looks more beautiful and more attractive to me than all these other people I'm meeting. And I'm afraid that I'll abandon them, the new people I meet, if Curtis gives me the slightest sign of being friendly, if he gives me any hope of a relationship outside work.

I think I'll post this now. The title turned out to be somewhat ironic. It's not really about socializing.

A Dull and Boring Soul?

5:57 PM 8/10/10

I am in coffee withdrawal again. I have a splitting headache. This headache is much worse than it was the last time I quit coffee. I'm quitting coffee because I've been drinking tons and tons of it every day to help with my chronic fatigue. And I've been drinking coffee instead of eating food. And I've got some cavities developing in my teeth. Last time I quit coffee, my teeth gradually remineralized and stopped hurting, so I'm doing that again. But I can't get anything done.

There is a torture going on about my Ichazo's instinctual type. It wouldn't matter if I weren't fighting with the voices. If I were free to be myself, then I would be able to express my soul to the world - it's something I would have learned to do over the years. They're wondering if I'm a sp/so instead of sp/sx, because of how difficult it is for me to relate to other people, to bond deeply with them, to attract them, to express myself to them. They're always wanting to change my instinctual type - this is nothing new. They're saying that I have the 'coldness' in my personality instead of the warmth and charisma that the sx instinct gives you. I don't know how I'd behave if I were free, like I said, but yes, I do have a cold, formal dignity that gets in the way of sexual expression and openness.

I remember something someone wrote on a forum about the instincts. It was a sp/so type who complained about the stereotypes about that instinctual stacking. She said, 'I'm not just a coupon-clipping worker bee!' I agree with her. I have a soul. I have feelings. I have a desire to bond with someone and to love them deeply. I watch movies, and I listen to music, and I respond strongly to them if they're done right, and if they're done badly, I can't stand them, or if they express ideas that I hate, then I can't stand them.

I can give an example of something I'd never do. There's a lady at McDonald's who acts like someone who has a strong sx instinct in her personality. She isn't really beautiful - I don't like to insult people if I don't have any reason to insult them, and I don't dislike her, so I don't really want to describe all the ways that she's ugly instead of beautiful. Just take my word for it that she isn't beautiful, she is somewhat ugly, by most people's standards. But she has a husband, if I understand correctly, and children. And a few days ago, one of the other guys who works there had come in to work, and when she saw him, she moaned, 'Ooooh, it's Jeremy,' and she looked up at him in a seductive way. Then she said, 'Have you lost weight? Every time I see you you seem to be getting thinner.' He said that yes, he had been losing weight.

I can't imagine myself openly flirting with anyone like that, ever. Lack of confidence, partly. Partly because it just seems unnatural for me. Even if I am sure that someone is attracted to me, I can't say things like 'oooh, it's Jeremy', just because I can't talk that way. It's almost physically impossible for me to talk that way.

There is a sort of dignity that gets in the way, and a feeling that it is too special, too sacred, too vulnerable, to express myself that way out loud. There is something too direct about it, too exposed, - and maybe if I weren't being listened to and spied on by murderers who make a big, huge deal out of anything sexual, then it wouldn't be so difficult for me. It's something that you absolutely must *not* make a big deal out of. If you do, it gets destroyed instantly. When the murderers attack me they always attack me about things that are sexual. They zap me the most when I'm trying to be close to somebody and enjoy the moment with them. It's like their goal is to prove that I am soulless and therefore it's okay for them to destroy my life.

I've been reading Twilight. I never read those books before. I saw the movie Eclipse and so I decided to start reading the books. Everyone likes to read about people who have 'dark secrets,' like Edward being a vampire. But I was comparing that with myself. I have dark secrets too; why doesn't anybody like my dark secrets? Because my dark secrets are dark, BAD secrets. Mind control is real. We are all potentially its victims, although some people are attacked more than others, while many people are mostly ignored. Usually, this is something you don't need to know. If they're not attacking you, then you don't need to even be bothered with somebody's else's problem of electronic harassment. That person is just unusual and unlucky and they must have done something to make somebody mad at them. There is no good side to that secret.

But the 'dark secrets' in these books, like Edward being a vampire, or reality being a Matrix, or Harry Potter being a wizard, always have a good side to the dark secret. You're a vampire, but it's really cool because you can live forever and have special powers. The world is a matrix, but if you learn how to manipulate it, you can do amazing things that nobody else can do. You're a wizard, and you're different from everybody around you, but, once again, you have special powers, and you have a whole community of people supporting you.

My dark secrets don't really have a good side. So I was trying to figure out what 'special powers' I have that would make somebody want to know my dark secrets. There is one thing that I can do. I know about saving money and I know about a frugal lifestyle. If you question the way you spend money, if you question everything about money, then you can save enough money that you can work fewer hours at your job. And if you work fewer hours at your job, then you can actually spend time doing things that matter to you. You can spend time with your family, or working on hobbies and projects, or just doing nothing and relaxing and having fun. I have spent years learning all about money and how it works. So if you are trapped, working too many hours at a job you hate, I am the person you want to get to know, because I sympathize with your problem and I know there are ways we can solve that problem.

So that is the result of fighting with the voices about my 'boring' self-preservation instinct, and what could possibly be good and exciting about it. It really is exciting if you can control your finances and quit working so many hours after you change your lifestyle. You can have the things you want in life instead of just wishing for them. My 'special power' is power over money.

They have been giving me this feeling a lot: that I'm boring, that nobody wants to know me, and that my soul, if it exists, is worthless to everyone. Somebody out there is pushing a button on a machine to give me that specific feeling, and they've been pushing that button a lot lately.