the cry of my silent soul

9:38 PM 7/28/10

I bought a book last week at Barnes & Noble. It's called 'The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense.' It's similar to 'When I Say No I Feel Guilty,' and other books about communication that I've read. It makes me aware of patterns of thought and speech, ways that we tell lies to each other.

This book made me aware that EVERY WORD that the voices try to force me to say to somebody is a verbal attack. The book makes you aware of verbal attacks, and you get in the habit of noticing them. I noticed that ALL of the forced speech, almost every word, almost without exception, is a verbal attack. They try to force me to say manipulative lies, to make people feel guilty, to 'placate' people by attacking myself first and apologizing first, and other tricks. Those forced speeches are not my own truth. My real self-esteem is higher than that.

Tonight I had the urge to send another text message to Curtis. He has rejected me and told me to leave him alone, at least, in text messages he has (is it really him? I don't know, I can't ask). I tried to resist the urge, because I have been hurt so many times, and I'm afraid that I will eventually push him too far so that he calls the police or something and uses them to make me leave him alone. I fought against the urge.

I was being bombarded with voices telling lies to me, trying to trick me into texting him, trying to make me believe he needs me, he misses me, he wants me to text him, he wants me to call him, he wants me to visit him, and so on.

I was getting ready to go shopping to buy new uniforms for myself, because my other new ones are slightly contaminated. They wanted me to get into a text conversation with him instead of going shopping.

I went out shopping instead. I thought about destroying the text phone so that I could never use it to text him again, but I can't do that until I write down the saved text messages that are on it. I already archived some of them on paper, but not all of them. I had to do it because I filled up the phone's memory and it couldn't save any more. But I decided to wait until I got home to do the phone archiving project.

While driving, the voices still attacked. The voice attacks seem to work this way: Something, an unknown cause, gives me a persistent 'feeling' that won't go away. It can be hormones, it can be drugs, it can be a food that I ate. Something causes me to have a mood. It has nothing to do with the attackers. But some kind of computer system alerts them to the fact that I'm in a 'mood.' The attacks begin. The attacks are designed to fit that mood. They become the 'rationale' for the unexplained, causeless mood. I'm angry, or I'm sad, and so the voices attack me in a way to 'explain' why I'm angry or sad. They force me to start rehearsing speech in my mind, in preparation for talking to somebody, in an angry or sad or clingy or demanding way. The forced speech fits the mood and starts to make me believe that 'I'm angry at this person, that's why I'm in a bad mood,' or 'That person hurt my feelings and rejected me, that's why I'm in a bad mood,' when actually, the bad mood is caused by drugs/food/etc. WHY the murderers do this, I don't know.

They were doing it tonight. They were forcing me to rehearse things that I was supposed to be forced to say to Curtis. They were forcing me to placate him and apologize and 'attack myself first,' making myself small and inferior and pathetic, instead of standing up for myself with the true dignity and honesty and self-respect that I have in my true soul.

I should have cleared out all of that behavior decades ago. I've been reading self-esteem books and communication skills books and psychology books and meditation books for decades. I've known this stuff for years. I used to practice meditation, before the murderers started zapping me, and I used to question myself, observe myself, and so on, and I could re-teach myself if I wanted to get rid of a behavior that I disliked. Long ago, I used to change my own mind at will, whenever I wanted. The murderers destroyed all that, and they changed me into a pathetic, sniveling, weak, helpless, apologizing victim unable to speak the truth.

I used to do it in an intuitive, nonverbal way. But the murderers zap and destroy all nonverbal meditation, anything intuitive. They destroy all deep understanding, all sense of perspective. The only tools I can use now are verbal speech. In order to defend myself against the forced, fake, self-destructive speech that the murderers make me say, I have to verbally whisper, 'out loud' inside my head, a verbal response that explains why their words are wrong. I can't just intuitively understand why it's wrong the way I used to. I have to use a word that describes why it's wrong.

So I am using that book to do that. It has labels for the bad kind of speech, the verbal attacks, the ones that I hate, the ones that I resist, the ones that I know are wrong and I fight against saying, the ones that I recognize as being 'not me,' not my true self.

I shouldn't have to do that. I shouldn't have to verbally whisper an explanation for why it's wrong, when it would be so much more effective and better and deeper if I understood it intuitively the way I did long ago.

Tonight, while driving my car to the store, when I was being forced to apologize and snivel and attack myself first, in my forced rehearsal of what I would say to Curtis, I verbally whispered: 'Placating. Self-directed, self-inflicted verbal attack, and therefore false.' Suddenly I burst out sobbing uncontrollably. I cried and howled loudly in the car for a couple of minutes while driving. It was because I felt grateful that I could fight against the lies being told, and grateful that I remembered my true self has much more dignity than this. I remembered that everything I have been forced to say and do, for years, has been a lie, has been puppet speech, that every word out of my mouth has been fake and controlled. I remembered that I am still alive, though I am silent and suppressed underneath the puppet self.

I was being forced to whisper to Curtis about how pathetic I am for trying to text him, and apologize for trying to talk to him, apologize for trying to connect with him, when actually, in the real world, why COULDN'T we be just friends? Why couldn't we have some kind of casual, relaxed friendship and just know each other as human beings? Why would that be wrong and shameful? *I* know there is nothing wrong with it.

It is absolute evil that I, and other people, have our true souls suppressed and silenced.

Vipassana Meditation

"I know there's a word for this." There was a song with that line years ago.

I am looking for the word to describe my special skill, the thing that I'm good at. There are a couple of words or concepts referring to this. There are two main things I'm looking up: 1. being able to observe tiny physical sensations in and on the body, and 2. the belief or philosophy that says it's okay to use whatever works, instead of doing a double-blind placebo-controlled test.

I found something which came from googling 'sensation observation.' Vipassana Meditation resembles the thing that I do. I am not observing 'thoughts,' 'feelings,' 'beliefs,' or anything like that. I am observing the tiniest perceptions of my senses, in the skin, and inside my body, anywhere in and on the body.

I don't just observe them on purpose because I want to. I notice these things whether I want to notice them or not. They are disturbing and distracting enough to interfere with other things that I try to do. Everyone is able to do this to some extent, but some people have the 'volume' turned up really high on their physical sensations. It's not only that I'm able to feel things, but that I care about it and think it's important.

I'm also looking for a word that describes this: your sensory data are just as valid, or more valid, than a scientific study. You can use your own observations of your health symptoms and troubleshoot your own illnesses, the old-fashioned way, back before we had laboratories and the government and the FDA. I feel pain; something is wrong; what do I do about it? When you walk, your foot touches the ground and feels your weight pressing down on it. You then control the way you're leaning so that you don't fall over. You can observe every detail of any sensory feeling inside and outside your body, and try to understand what caused it.

I know when I've touched a transdermal drug, because I feel a tickling sensation in my skin, which I have learned to recognize. I know when I've been zapped by whatever-it-is, radio waves or sound waves, because I feel burning, stinging sensations in my skin. Other people might experience these things, but either they don't really notice it, don't really care about it, don't think it's important, or aren't very distracted by it. I am interested in and preoccupied with these things, when other people aren't.

'Psychophysics' is another word similar to what I'm doing. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychophysics

'Psychophysiology' is also relevant.

Here is a good example. Can you describe what it feels like to be 'tired?' What does it mean to be tired? For me, it's a sensation of pain in several different places in my body, usually the shoulders, the upper back, and the upper arms, but that's not all of what it means to be tired. It's also, usually, a burning sensation over large areas of my skin. Fatigue and tiredness are my most important health problems that I've always been trying to fix. So I pay a lot of attention to the exact details of what it feels like to be 'tired.' And I observe what I did to cause the pain.

I was told about the Feingold Diet years ago, because I was one of the LUCKY ones - as a hyperactive child in the 1970s, I was lucky enough to have parents that saw a particular episode of the TV show 'Donahue' or something like that - I forget which show it was - but they talked about the Feingold Diet being used for hyperactive kids, and my parents decided to try it. It worked very well, but we only used it for a few years, and they gradually put me back onto a 'normal' diet. But I grew up hearing about it and was always aware that foods can cause illnesses and psychological problems, bad moods, and behavior problems. So I have always known that you can observe a connection between something you did, something you ate, or whatever, and the symptoms you feel.

That is what I should have been doing, all this time, but instead they made me do useless, time-wasting things, like fantasizing about a conversation I might have with an attractive guy in the future. Every time you try to do something useful, they make you wander off into some fantasy rehearsal to try to get you to talk to some guy or that kind of thing, instead of whatever you were really doing. And it's days and days, or weeks, before you will actually see that person - there's no hurry to plan out what you will say right this very instant.

http://www.traumahealing.com/somatic-experiencing/index.html

'Somatic Experiencing' - I quickly glanced at that web page but didn't read much of it yet.  It resembles the type of thing that I do.

I still didn't find exactly the phrase I was looking for.  'The value of anecdotal evidence' got some results, but that's not quite it either.  I can't believe another hour has passed and I'm going to get kicked off the internet in a couple minutes... so I'll post this.

Different types and degrees of mind control crimes committed

I am in an unusual frame of mind. Some of this is written about me in the third person ('she,' 'her,' 'the victim'), maybe because it applies to all victims of electronic mind control, maybe because it is from another persona I have been talking to all morning.

(Note that this isn't something to worry about, I am not having any trouble, I am not very uncomfortable and I am not suicidal. As I said, I am just in an unusual mood.)

An occasional voice in the head is less bad than some other types of attacks. Sometimes the people say things that are witty, entertaining, informative, creative, helpful, or encouraging. They don't always say bad things. Getting an occasional voice in your head is sort of like a rude interruption, like somebody calling you on the phone or knocking on the door, interrupting your solitude. I say 'occasional.' This is a crime (because it is done without consent, and the victim cannot avoid it), but it is a minor crime compared to some others.

However, if dozens of attackers are all trying to say something to the victim, all day long, the effect is cumulative, and it is no longer merely a 'rude interruption,' but instead an overwhelming barrage that distracts the victim and prevents her (I say 'her' referring to myself) from thinking. Sheer numbers of people can make something into a major attack instead of a minor attack.

Real people talking to the victim are different from the artificial intelligence. The artificial intelligence speech is perceived as very negative, very undesirable. It is experienced as random, meaningless, unintelligent, irrelevant, and repetitive. It says things all day long, not merely once or twice or occasionally, but constantly. It also projects music into the victim's head constantly and unavoidably. This is a major crime, a severe crime. It is experienced as life-ruining and extremely destructive.

There are also nonverbal attacks, other effects that are not just voices. Control of thoughts, physical sensations, intentions, actions, and emotions is constant and unavoidable. If you try to oppose a particular control, you are immediately punished with fake 'anxiety,' a sort of muscle tension somewhere in the abdomen. If you try to focus your mind differently, see things another way, change your mind, the punishment is instant, immediate, and inevitable. The only time they do not punish you for doing this is when they themselves are FORCING you to change your mind or think a seemingly new thought, when they themselves have pre-planned what it is that you will think about, what conclusions you will draw, what direction you will find. Only then do they allow you to experience something that resembles thinking - when they force you to do it and when they know in advance what you will think about. They do not allow you to think independently or draw conclusions that they cannot predict or control in advance.

These experiences are changed and affected by the drugs you use, the foods you eat, physical illnesses like colds and flu and stomach viruses, your physical fatigue, and your overall stress level from life events. The various phenomena all happen differently depending on those factors. They can be more tolerable, less tolerable, or utterly unbearable at different times, in different moods.

These effects are so constant, unavoidable, and instantaneous that they seem to come from a system that surrounds us all day long. I wonder about what this system is. It could be a radio field, like something from the cell phone towers. I mention the cell phone towers because I have often noticed that 'the whispers' will suddenly get worse whenever I drive my car near a cell phone tower. And cell phones are designed to work everywhere, to cover all areas, although some areas will be covered more strongly or weakly than others. There could be some other electromagnetic field from some other source which I don't know about and can only guess about. The people who own and operate the cell phone towers are probably NOT responsible for this effect. I believe that their systems have been hacked into or controlled by somebody else, and the owners and employees of the cell phone companies probably don't even know that somebody is putting 'whispers' into their signal. This is all hypothetical - I have just guessed at it, speculating, because of my observations that whispering tends to get worse near the towers.

I don't want anyone to think that I actually KNOW something about cell phone towers. I have only vague memories of reading things about the cell phone system, but I don't know much about it. I recall that you can observe people (spy on people) more easily if you detect their effects in an electromagnetic field, but I don't know the details of how this works.

This is a hopeful idea, that at least it's relatively easy to make a low-level, weak shield against ordinary, non-directed, ambient radio waves. You can demonstrate this yourself. Wrap your cell phone with aluminum foil, and it won't be able to receive a call. You are able to reduce the ambient radio waves if they are not directed at you personally. This means that you can, at least, reduce some of the overall stress and overall discomfort of non-directed radio waves and electromagnetic fields, easily and cheaply. Other types of attacks, however, will go through a simple shield.

Sonic attacks need to be blocked differently. Again, you can reduce the unintentional noises of the outside world by using ordinary soundproofing materials and methods. This can reduce the overall stress level even though it doesn't stop the directed, intentional attacks.

The constant, surrounding field can also be interpreted as causing problems for people who have 'electromagnetic sensitivity.' So I think that these problems overlap: targeted, intentional, personally directed mind control, and also non-targeted, unintentional, ambient, impersonal electromagnetic sensitivity. Some of the effects, such as the instant 'anxiety' whenever you try to refocus your mind, might actually be 'accidental' instead of deliberate: they might be the result of electrosensitivity instead of the result of somebody deliberately sabotaging you.

However, that is not how all the effects are experienced. Many times the victim will try to think or meditate about something, and then get intense, directed attacks that are obviously something intentional, not just accidental interference with her electromagnetic fields.

So even though some effects might be 'ambient' or 'accidental' results of electrosensitivity - unintentional bad consequences of being surrounded by radio waves and electromagnetic fields that aren't intended to harm or control anybody - there are many effects that are very obviously a directed attack.

This is soul murder, murder of the true self. If you cannot think, feel, or sense what you would otherwise, if you are given fake thoughts, feelings, and sensations, and prevented from having real ones, that is murder of the self - even though the physical body is alive.

So I have been calling them murderers, even though my body is not yet dead (and I hope to live a very long time yet).

I want to live in and experience my True Self, feeling, thinking, sensing, and doing freely without external control.