The soul is a delicate and fragile thing.

9:30 AM 8/3/10

I wrote in my last post about how they try to hide the fact that I have a soul, especially when I respond strongly to music.

I cannot be close to people even when I am close to them. I remember noticing this one day, and I know it happens all the time, not just once. But I was particularly aware of it one day. I was sitting on the couch with Peter, snuggling with him, just sitting there, and I wanted to *feel* like I was close to him. I wanted to *feel* like I was there, with him, close, in the room, in the moment.

But I was constantly being zapped. Every few seconds, there was a zap. It distracts me and destroys my concentration. So I cannot feel 'in' the moment, no matter what I'm doing. This is called 'flow' - I read a book about it by some Russian guy - I could look it up on Amazon. Mihaly Cziksentmilhalyi, or something like that, a book called 'Flow.' I didn't spell it right.

There is no way to enjoy the presence of a loved one if you are constantly being zapped by an electronic attack. In order to experience love, you have to be 'in' the moment, so you can look into their eyes and feel yourself merging with them, to feel that you can see into their soul. I have experienced that feeling a couple of times in my life, briefly. And you don't have to do that CONSTANTLY in order for it to be love. But you do have to be able to feel 'in the moment.'

I don't know if all of the attacks are being consciously controlled by someone, or whether some of it is 'ambient radiation,' the ordinary radio waves around us from cell phones and radios. Electromagnetic Hypersensitivity - this is another group of people that I read sometimes, people who write about that. They interpret the phenomena as being caused by hypersensitivity to electromagnetic radiation, instead of interpreting it as being caused by conscious humans stalking, spying on, and attacking you. I believe that *both* phenomena are happening.

Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle: This is the metaphor that I use to explain this. Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle says that you can't know where a particle is, and where it is going, at the same time. Or how fast it's going, or something like that. You can know one or the other, but not both. If you shoot something at it, so that something bounces back to you and tells you 'That particle was over there,' you've just bumped into the particle and made it go a different direction. You have to bump into it in order to find out where it is. But if you do, you change what it was doing. It's no longer going the same direction it was going originally. So if you try to 'watch' a moving particle, you are always changing what it's doing, and it won't be able to 'act natural' or 'pretend we're not here.' That is how I feel every moment of my life.

That is the metaphor I use for electromagnetic hypersensitivity. Even if all they did was watch, they would still be disturbing the person they were watching. I assume they are using an 'active surveillance' attack, instead of a passive surveillance attack. If you are merely listening to someone passively, just receiving the signals that they send out, then no, you don't hurt them directly by doing that. But if you shoot something at them, if you shoot any kind of radiation at them at all, it disturbs them, even if it isn't 'meant' to disturb them, even if the military and all your superiors and your bosses and your leaders tell you that the radiation doesn't disturb them, *IT DOES*. If your bosses say, yes, okay, it disturbs them a *little* bit, but it's *nothing important*, what that means is that it disturbs the most fragile, delicate, most subtle expressions of their soul, and your bosses are too blunt, crude, blind, ignorant, and soulless to believe that those fragile things are anything important, that they actually *matter*.

I have meditated. I have studied self-improvement books. I have changed my beliefs and my habits. I have observed myself. I *know* that whenever you have an urge, or an impulse, or a feeling, or a belief, it's a very subtle, quiet thing, something very hard to feel, hard to hear, hard to sense. They aren't big and obvious things. The slightest noise will disrupt it. The slightest interruption, the slightest distraction in your concentration, totally destroys this fragile little whisper that expresses your soul.

Some people find it easier than others to express who they are. That is why I study personality types and instinctual types. For some, it's easy. They could express the deepest passions of their soul in the middle of a tornado. Nothing can disturb or disrupt them, because that is their strongest ability. Other people, however, will be inside the tornado screaming, 'AAAAAA! A TORNADO!!!' And I shouldn't make jokes because it's almost always some kind of unintended sexual reference, and I'm guessing this one probably is too.

Imagine Scrooge falling in love. We've watched the movie. (I've seen the Disney version.) We know it's possible. We know he loved someone once, long ago, and lost her. When we watch Scrooge trying to fall in love, we feel sorry for him, and we're cheering him on, hoping that he succeeds, hoping that he can win the love he deserves and become more of a person because of it. But imagine that something was happening to make it difficult for Scrooge to fall in love. He already has a hard enough time. If something made it even more difficult for him, he would never be able to do it. He would become totally preoccupied with his money and other things that usually worry him, because that is what's most important to him and most natural to him.

I keep telling the voices that I wouldn't worry about drug residues, except for the fact that *THEY'RE THERE.* If they weren't THERE, I wouldn't worry about them. It's like living in Iraq, in a war zone. You worry about the bombs going off, you worry that somebody might get killed, you worry about loud noises and other scary things, BECAUSE THEY'RE THERE. You really are living in a war zone. It's normal to be scared when you live in a war zone. That is what I am trying to say is happening to me. I *really am* surrounded by a dangerous situation that has to be fixed, and until it is fixed, I won't be able to live a normal life. But when it is fixed, I will stop worrying about it, and I won't just invent some other worry out of thin air, unless the murderers force me to do self-destructive things to keep ruining my life over and over again.

But when someone is in a stressful situation, in a dangerous situation, in an abusive or unhealthy relationship, or an unhealthy society, they aren't able to function at their best; they aren't able to express the most fragile, delicate parts of who they are. And especially when they are being zapped with radiation 24 hours a day. The weakest parts of you will always be weak if you are constantly under some kind of attack.

But I do have a soul, though it's hardly ever seen or felt by anyone. It is here silent, waiting, and alive.

the cry of my silent soul

9:38 PM 7/28/10

I bought a book last week at Barnes & Noble. It's called 'The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense.' It's similar to 'When I Say No I Feel Guilty,' and other books about communication that I've read. It makes me aware of patterns of thought and speech, ways that we tell lies to each other.

This book made me aware that EVERY WORD that the voices try to force me to say to somebody is a verbal attack. The book makes you aware of verbal attacks, and you get in the habit of noticing them. I noticed that ALL of the forced speech, almost every word, almost without exception, is a verbal attack. They try to force me to say manipulative lies, to make people feel guilty, to 'placate' people by attacking myself first and apologizing first, and other tricks. Those forced speeches are not my own truth. My real self-esteem is higher than that.

Tonight I had the urge to send another text message to Curtis. He has rejected me and told me to leave him alone, at least, in text messages he has (is it really him? I don't know, I can't ask). I tried to resist the urge, because I have been hurt so many times, and I'm afraid that I will eventually push him too far so that he calls the police or something and uses them to make me leave him alone. I fought against the urge.

I was being bombarded with voices telling lies to me, trying to trick me into texting him, trying to make me believe he needs me, he misses me, he wants me to text him, he wants me to call him, he wants me to visit him, and so on.

I was getting ready to go shopping to buy new uniforms for myself, because my other new ones are slightly contaminated. They wanted me to get into a text conversation with him instead of going shopping.

I went out shopping instead. I thought about destroying the text phone so that I could never use it to text him again, but I can't do that until I write down the saved text messages that are on it. I already archived some of them on paper, but not all of them. I had to do it because I filled up the phone's memory and it couldn't save any more. But I decided to wait until I got home to do the phone archiving project.

While driving, the voices still attacked. The voice attacks seem to work this way: Something, an unknown cause, gives me a persistent 'feeling' that won't go away. It can be hormones, it can be drugs, it can be a food that I ate. Something causes me to have a mood. It has nothing to do with the attackers. But some kind of computer system alerts them to the fact that I'm in a 'mood.' The attacks begin. The attacks are designed to fit that mood. They become the 'rationale' for the unexplained, causeless mood. I'm angry, or I'm sad, and so the voices attack me in a way to 'explain' why I'm angry or sad. They force me to start rehearsing speech in my mind, in preparation for talking to somebody, in an angry or sad or clingy or demanding way. The forced speech fits the mood and starts to make me believe that 'I'm angry at this person, that's why I'm in a bad mood,' or 'That person hurt my feelings and rejected me, that's why I'm in a bad mood,' when actually, the bad mood is caused by drugs/food/etc. WHY the murderers do this, I don't know.

They were doing it tonight. They were forcing me to rehearse things that I was supposed to be forced to say to Curtis. They were forcing me to placate him and apologize and 'attack myself first,' making myself small and inferior and pathetic, instead of standing up for myself with the true dignity and honesty and self-respect that I have in my true soul.

I should have cleared out all of that behavior decades ago. I've been reading self-esteem books and communication skills books and psychology books and meditation books for decades. I've known this stuff for years. I used to practice meditation, before the murderers started zapping me, and I used to question myself, observe myself, and so on, and I could re-teach myself if I wanted to get rid of a behavior that I disliked. Long ago, I used to change my own mind at will, whenever I wanted. The murderers destroyed all that, and they changed me into a pathetic, sniveling, weak, helpless, apologizing victim unable to speak the truth.

I used to do it in an intuitive, nonverbal way. But the murderers zap and destroy all nonverbal meditation, anything intuitive. They destroy all deep understanding, all sense of perspective. The only tools I can use now are verbal speech. In order to defend myself against the forced, fake, self-destructive speech that the murderers make me say, I have to verbally whisper, 'out loud' inside my head, a verbal response that explains why their words are wrong. I can't just intuitively understand why it's wrong the way I used to. I have to use a word that describes why it's wrong.

So I am using that book to do that. It has labels for the bad kind of speech, the verbal attacks, the ones that I hate, the ones that I resist, the ones that I know are wrong and I fight against saying, the ones that I recognize as being 'not me,' not my true self.

I shouldn't have to do that. I shouldn't have to verbally whisper an explanation for why it's wrong, when it would be so much more effective and better and deeper if I understood it intuitively the way I did long ago.

Tonight, while driving my car to the store, when I was being forced to apologize and snivel and attack myself first, in my forced rehearsal of what I would say to Curtis, I verbally whispered: 'Placating. Self-directed, self-inflicted verbal attack, and therefore false.' Suddenly I burst out sobbing uncontrollably. I cried and howled loudly in the car for a couple of minutes while driving. It was because I felt grateful that I could fight against the lies being told, and grateful that I remembered my true self has much more dignity than this. I remembered that everything I have been forced to say and do, for years, has been a lie, has been puppet speech, that every word out of my mouth has been fake and controlled. I remembered that I am still alive, though I am silent and suppressed underneath the puppet self.

I was being forced to whisper to Curtis about how pathetic I am for trying to text him, and apologize for trying to talk to him, apologize for trying to connect with him, when actually, in the real world, why COULDN'T we be just friends? Why couldn't we have some kind of casual, relaxed friendship and just know each other as human beings? Why would that be wrong and shameful? *I* know there is nothing wrong with it.

It is absolute evil that I, and other people, have our true souls suppressed and silenced.