they did it again.
it's happened a couple times recently. i have been harassed by voices about an extremely trivial gain in body fat. it is well within my normal range of weight changes. it usually means that i had sjw recently and am in withdrawal from it - that's the one that seems to change my weight a little bit. i'm not sure how all the drugs affect it, but i've spent this whole toxic house time period mostly looking like i'm a day or two away from starvation. that is what happens when you are in frequent contact with ephedra and tobacco poisoning.
they would have put the word 'harass' in there because it's my butt that gets fat first, before anything else. the voices have been FREAKING OUT about a trivial fat gain on my butt. they were saying things like 'that butt's fake,' and then giving me a nightmare tonight where i was in the bathroom with a couple of little boys (younger than ten) and i had to urinate, but i was wearing very tight shorts and i 'could not get them off' according to the dialogue of the dream, and so i was trying to urinate through my pants while leaving them on. they were being very 'negative' about it according to the twisted behavior of insulting somebody because you think they're attractive. they were telling me i had to lose weight immediately and they were humiliating me and making it seem like my weight would get out of control and i had to take immediate action or it would be a disaster. they kept making comments about how my work pants were getting tighter.
i have had several periods of weight gain in my life. there was always a specific reason. there is no chance whatsoever that my weight will 'get out of control' or any other (sexual connotation) thing that they are suggesting.
when i woke up i took pictures of myself (and deleted them) just to prove that there was nothing wrong. i can see that it's true, there is a trivial gain of fat and it is not the end of the world.
my weight changes have always been triggered by 1. using drugs or 2. withdrawing from drugs.
in college i went from about 120 to 145 in the first year. that was the highest i've ever been in my life. i definitely was fatter and i was aware of it. that happened for several reasons. first, i had been using birth control pills just before i went to college, and then i suddenly stopped using the pills. a sudden hormone change could trigger a sudden weight gain, i think. second, i started eating in the cafeteria at school, and i was drinking whole milk with every meal. i never drank whole milk at home - we had 2% milk - and at home i didn't routinely drink glasses of milk with every meal. and they were just big meals and i didn't have to be the one who cooked them. and, not only that, but i had problems at home, where mom stopped cooking, and i didn't feel comfortable using the kitchen because it was her territory, and so i never got anything to eat and i actually was starving for a while. in fact, i remember doing an experimental 'diet' (even though i didn't need one) where i would just eat less food off the plate, i would just stop eating early, before all the food was gone, and i lost a couple pounds and went down to 115, and i was also riding my bike long distances at that time (a couple miles, not really far).
the college weight disappeared very quickly as soon as i stopped drinking a glass of whole milk with every meal. quitting milk was the number one thing that got rid of the fat. i have observed since then that if i buy ice cream and eat it frequently, then i gain fat over a couple weeks, and i notice a slight fat gain on the very first day after eating the ice cream. i don't know if this is because the milk contains bovine growth hormone?
so over the next few years i was usually around 130, and over the past couple years, i have dropped down to around 120. if i got rid of all the weight-loss poisons in my house, i might range around the upper 120s again or the low 130s. but it is definitely connected with drugs and with milk in particular. and i notice weight changes frequently if i've used sjw, and then withdrawn for a couple days. the fat is always brief and temporary and it goes away quickly.
the insulting/degrading/sexual message that i was getting from the attackers this morning, and the nightmare, was a feeling of panic, sexual excitement, fear that somebody else would 'get' me, fear that my weight would drastically increase and yet they're sort of wishing that it would do that, since i've said that it always stays within a certain range and it never goes above that; and they were telling me that i had 'no idea' what i looked like, that i was extremely attractive, and it was a panicking feeling of urgency or a fear that something would happen, that i would gain too much or lose too much, that i would change, that too many guys would think i was attractive, etc. it was a degrading, sex-object type of message and they wanted to humiliate me and make me ashamed about my very trivial weight gain and they wanted to make me terrified that i was going to become unattractive.
the other thing in the dream and in the voices was that they want me to pee my pants and smell like urine all the time. that was happening back whenever i wouldn't do the laundry because it always spread the contamination onto everything, and so i was actually buying new clothes instead of washing them. i would wear the same clothes for as long as i could, then throw them in the garbage. that included underwear and socks. so i wore the same underwear long enough that it would have smelled like urine. it's something that they are now begging me to do deliberately for their sake even though i am no longer just throwing clothes in the garbage. i don't mind that, except that i would rather do things that REAL PEOPLE want me to do, instead of doing things that 'voices' want me to do.
nobody understands how bad it has been for the past couple weeks. here is what happened. i bought the futon that i had thought about getting for a while now. purpose: if the bed is raised off the floor, i can shampoo the carpet and move the bed around, and it won't be touching the floor; also, if it's not touching the floor, i can use a blanket on it, and the blanket won't touch the carpet and get contaminated like every other blanket i have attempted to use; this means i can turn the heat down if i have a blanket; so far, i haven't been able to do this. originally i had an air mattress which was directly against the carpet, and if i were going to clean the carpet, then moving the air mattress from place to place would just contaminate the underside of the mattress and spread the contamination around.
this is what went wrong with the futon.
in the trunk of my car, during the worst phase of the contamination, i had a bunch of garbage bags full of 'failed' laundry. i took the contaminated laundry to the laundromat and, i'm not kidding, i think i put it through at least five washings. i was there for quite a few hours. i washed it over and over. i also used borax, which was a horrible mistake. that added to the various poisons on the clothing. i was hoping it would react with the chemical and oxidize it so that it would be less bioactive. it didn't work. well, it failed, as i said. i took it out and it was even more toxic than it had been, because of the added borax.
i put the garbage bags full of laundry into the trunk. they began to steam and vaporize because they were still hot from the dryer. the vapors got all over the inside of the trunk. i have touched the carpet back there, and i feel the tickling in my fingers and hands when i touch it. it is the worst poison, the one that makes my heart pound and gives me insomnia. the pounding heart is the most uncomfortable poison that i have, with the exception of the 'extreme fear / my head feels like a solid block' poison. not only that, but after i took those laundry bags out of the trunk and set them on the floor in my house, they vaporized all over the house. that was the time when i was wearing a mask to breathe, opening the windows even though it was ice cold, sleeping on the floor in the bathroom, and eventually, going to the homeless shelter, and calling my mom to come up here and help me clean the house.
my new house will have no carpets. it will all be either linoleum or wood, or something. there will be no carpets. i swore that years ago when i was fighting the mange. now with poison contamination i am even MORE certain that there will be absolutely no carpets in my house.
well, before i bought the futon, i spent some time planning how i would bring it home. i touched the carpet in the back of the trunk, and felt that it was tickling my skin and it caused my heart to pound. so i knew i could not put the futon in the trunk. i remember lying in bed thinking and planning how i would bring home the futon, but the criminal assailants were zapping my brain every time i tried to think and plan, and so they prevented me from planning. i told them that there was a reason why i needed to think and plan, and i told them that it was to prevent a contamination problem. they still kept zapping and attacking. this is why i am absolutely certain that they WANT the poison to remain and to continue making me sick.
anyway, i was planning to put the box on top of the car, and tie it with ropes and duct tape. it would be awkward but i was sure i could do it, but i didn't want anybody watching me struggle to tie it up there. i would have wanted to put it into the trunk. if i had been able to think without being the victim of criminal assault and battery (the criminals would spend the rest of their lives in prison if we counted the attacks - it is a 365 day of the year attack, so the counts of assault and battery would number in the millions, and it would be a life sentence) then i probably would have decided to do something along the lines of maybe putting some plastic down in the back of the trunk. but since i could not think, i was unable to produce that particular plan. so i went there to buy the futon without a very good plan of how i would bring it home.
i knew it could be taken apart into pieces, instead of being kept in the whole large box. the pieces would fit into the trunk. that is what i ended up doing, because the wal-mart employee who helped me bring it out to my car was recommending that i just do that, and actually, i didn't feel comfortable at all about the idea of tying it up on top of the car, even though i really wanted to avoid the contamination in the back of the trunk. like i said, if i had been physically able to think, in a shielded environment, without being physically assaulted and battered by criminals who should get a life sentence in prison, then i would have probably thought that i could just line the trunk with plastic and put the stuff back in there. the criminals want to keep all of my house toxic and they want my health to be ruined by this poison and they want to guarantee that i never have children. whenever criminals refuse to voluntarily stop attacking you, whenever criminals refuse to voluntarily change their own behavior, then you are forced to put them in prison in order to physically prevent them from initiating force against others and inflicting injury.
as a result, i did put the pieces of the futon into the trunk, and there was no plastic lining or anything. the metal pieces were back there, and the mattress part was put on the front seat of my car. so the metal frame pieces all got covered with poison. i figured that i would be able to wipe them off and clean them. but i ended up assembling the futon with the poison still on it. i have tried to clean parts of it since then. but it is the worst poison - heart pounding, exhaustion, insomnia - and there is a very heavy concentration of it, the heaviest concentration of anything i have right now, since the apartment's carpets have been shampooed several times, and therefore their concentration has been reduced, but i have done nothing at all to clean the trunk of the car, so it still has its original very toxic concentration of poison from the original severely poisonous bags of laundry.
and now voices are nagging me about things as though i am supposed to just keep living a normal life, even though i have been suffering exhaustion/insomnia/heart pounding for the last couple weeks since i bought the futon.
again, they really do intend for me to die and to remain sick for a long time, and they really do intend to prevent all progress and prevent me from having children or making any progress or achievements in my life at all. it is a life-threatening, life-ruining attack, and they are murderers, who do not mind and do not feel guilty at the actual death of the victims. i told them over and over again that i had a very good reason why i needed to carefully plan and decide how i would bring home this piece of furniture because the trunk was extremely toxic, but they physically attacked me constantly while i was trying to think and plan. so i ended up with no real plan and just did something that i didn't want to do. the consequence is that the bed is now so toxic that it's making it impossible for me to do anything at all, and my whole life has completely stopped.
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