the journal is gone

11:39 AM 11/20/08

i really do have a 'can't stop writing' vulnerability that they like to take advantage of. i've been addicted to journaling for YEARS now. and it isn't all the best quality, either - a lot of it is just venting negative emotions. i'm a little bit disorganized today, so this is one of those not-the-best ones.

i notice someone's blog was deleted. i didn't mention it, even though i noticed it several days ago. but this morning, a voice said 'you idiot! why didn't you say something?' and i fell for that tactic, and decided to say something.

i didn't say anything about it, for a couple of reasons. first, i don't like to show my emotions when somebody is hurting me. this is meant to protect me psychologically, but in reality, it may be counterproductive, because people who express feelings openly are sometimes treated more nicely than people who hide their feelings or who just don't naturally express them. everyone mistakenly thinks they don't HAVE any feelings, so it's okay to be cruel to them. still, i won't show my feelings when i'm being hurt. so the blog disappeared, but i don't want to even mention it.

second, learned helplessness. learned helplessness is real, and it explains a lot. i have two conflicting theories about this situation: one, that he's doing it all himself, to get some kind of reaction from me or for his own unexplained reasons, and two, that a malicious third party is doing these things (interfering with email, deleting his blog, etc). the learned helplessness is so severe, that no matter which theory is true, i still can't do anything. i can't change his behavior if he's doing it himself, and if it's another malicious person, i still can't do anything about it. i don't know how to really get this across, the severity of my learned helplessness. i can't fix problems or even mention anything or even speak to him, even when things seem like they should be relatively simple.

i don't know how much of that is real, and how much of it is directly induced by some kind of psychotronic attack. it's the result of years and years of severe, unavoidable physical and psychological trauma.

the third reason that i didn't mention it is because the blog is not entirely gone.

the fourth reason was that i assumed he already knew that it was deleted, and he didn't need to find out about it by reading my blog.

what did i learn by reading it?

i learned that his friendships are important to him and always have been, and it's true that he is always going places and doing things. i've been trying to reach him by phone and email to schedule a time when we could see each other away from work, even if it was only a short time. it is true that he has a busy schedule. he told me he was busy, whenever i said that i hadn't heard from him. that doesn't really explain it, not entirely, but partially.

here's one good reason why he might avoid being alone with me: in our (very few) private conversations and emails, i ended up saying things that THEY made me say, and so, i can't be trusted. but in a group of people, i'm less likely to say anything meaningful at all, so he'd be more willing to be with me in a group. the one time i went out with them, i endured painfully loud music for a long time, and said nothing to him, and acted like he wasn't even there. but at least i didn't say anything that would have bothered him, none of the secret double meanings/puppeteer stuff.

i learned that he's had some experiences similar to my own, but he didn't explicitly talk about anything as severe as what i've experienced, and i hope it never happens.

i learned that some of the stuff 'they' told me might really be true. they told me a lot of things, and i didn't believe them. most of what they told me could be inferred by reading his blog. there was one particular thing you could figure out if you were really looking for it, if you interpreted something and assumed it was true instead of a joke. it was a good thing. i wouldn't have noticed it by myself - i would've taken it as a joke - but 'they' took it literally and convinced me about something, even though i had not yet read it. actually, there were several things like that.

there was a suspicious-looking troll making anonymous comments. some of them were abusive/insulting. i saw this as an opportunity to show my loyalty, and was hoping to fight the troll, and use my 'malicious personas' against it. (i don't know if the troll was male or female. i thought it was male.) it probably wasn't necessary for me to do that - maybe he doesn't want me to go arguing with trolls on his behalf. but i didn't really get a chance to anyway. and the troll might not have been so bad. it was just somebody rejected, somebody with hurt feelings. i got the impression the troll's motive might have been 'i wish you were gay.' i don't have anything against gay people, and i can list... at least six different homosexuals who have been my friends over the years. however, i'm not happy about anybody trying to force another person to be gay when they're not. that was one of the recurring themes in my nightmares during these years of psychotronic attacks: they give me nightmares about being with females when i don't want to, or nightmares that make fun of me whenever i show the SLIGHTEST little hint of open-mindedness or tolerance towards bisexuality - for instance, if i would just GLANCE at a woman, with my eyes, and not mean anything by it, they would harass me about it relentlessly and give me horrible nightmares. i had to be excessively strict, to not even show the tiniest interest in any females, to not even look at women, not even talk to them, in order to avoid the nightmares about forced homosexuality. so i don't like it if people try to make someone be what they're not. it's okay if you just wished somebody was gay, and that was all. but this person was making rude comments and i just didn't like it.

the good thing about that blog was that i could see my comments appearing on the page. it's not like email, where i don't know if he's gotten my letter or not, and i don't know if he's sent me anything. i only made a couple comments before the whole thing was deleted.

i learned a lot of other stuff but the main thing was 'his friends are important to him' and 'he's always doing things.' i also got the feeling that he doesn't have a location where he feels at home, and has moved from one place to another, unsettling his friendships and his community. i don't know why he's moved around. i wonder if he was trying to get away from some problems, and it didn't work. he's had things stolen from him several times. anyway, this is relevant to me because he might not stay in this area after graduation.

(in the 'real world,' if he had stopped answering my emails and stopped returning my phone calls, i would have dropped it. i wouldn't have written more letters or made any more phone calls. i wouldn't have been that concerned about where he was going to live. i would have given up and gotten over it much sooner, in a real-world scenario instead of a psychotronic-puppeteering scenario. however, i can't help it, the fact that 'they' are bombarding me with voices every day, trying to force me to talk to him again. it's hard to ignore someone or forget someone when voices in your head are constantly reminding you about that person.)

i haven't focused all of my effort onto fixing this situation, because i have been preoccupied with some serious problems in my own life, things about work, and money, and my schedule, and the problems in my apartment. also, i'm reluctant to do ANYTHING about it, because i can't speak a word to him without being controlled and influenced by external voices. sometimes i try writing a letter that i would give to him, on paper, but when i start writing, they put their words in there, and the real nicole binns says nothing at all. then, i know that he'll give me that suspicious look that he gave me once or twice before. i don't want to see that. i don't want to see him thinking that i'm one of 'them,' or that i'm a cylon, or a psychopath, or whatever he thinks. (yes, i watched battlestar galactica, only one season, a few years ago at my ex-boyfriend's house. cylons are a good symbol for this. it's the 'non-human evil entity with a mysterious purpose that you cannot know or understand.')

i wrote a poem about that, one day when i felt moody - i wrote about how they don't know what they've lost. by putting words into people's heads, they override that person's real personality, their real identity. by putting electromagnetic fields through them, to control their emotions, they wipe out that person's real emotions, whatever would have been there - even if it was nothing, even just the emotion of 'blankness,' or 'boredom,' or 'numbness,' or any other thing that represents an absence of emotion. they destroy reality, they destroy all of what people could be. in a way it's murder, without killing the person's body. the body is alive, but its personality is replaced with THEIR words and THEIR feelings. and they don't have the wisdom, the imagination, to think of what the world would be like if people were free to be themselves. that would be a BETTER world. there would be more creativity, more originality, more happiness.

my blogs are always too long and i never run out of things to say. 'obsessing about some guy' has been the main topic of my blog for quite a few weeks now and surely everyone is sick of it. but i feel that i have to because i don't know if he can even receive emails, and i hope he at least sees what's going on by reading this.

i don't show my feelings when i'm being hurt - especially if i've used sjw. so it looks like i don't mind or i don't notice. but i do. i just don't want people to know that they've hurt me. as i said so many times before, i would've gotten over it much more easily except for the constant voices. they won't let me forget.