churches, music, mind control, moving out, chemicals, love, memories

why don't more people join churches?

not everybody is an atheist or a secular humanist or whatever i would be called. a lot of people are agnostics. they don't strongly believe, and they don't strongly disbelieve either.

i'm worried about this because there are some people who i said i would help, but i don't have the physical or mental energy to help anyone right now. i'm trying to just barely get by, continuing to go to work (without asking for more days off), and not have more chemical-sensitivity reactions to things that i'm touching around the apartment. i've become more unreliable, not returning phone calls, and avoiding people, because it's difficult to say no to them.

so i was thinking, if people need help, they should go join churches and other groups, and why don't more people do this more often? that way, i would feel as though these people had some kind of social support, and i wouldn't feel so guilty whenever i am trying to defend myself against all of their requests for help. it seems like it wouldn't matter to them, because they're agnostics who don't really care one way or the other. they aren't 'strongly opposed' to the beliefs they teach in churches. (i'm not 'strongly opposed' to a lot of church teachings either - i agree with some of them in a way. i have some more complicated reasons why i haven't ever joined a church.)

this is one of those times where i feel like *my* situation and *my* reasons are different from everybody else's, and my situation is worse or more extreme or unique than everybody else's. i can explain why i don't just join a church, but when i look at all these other people, their reasons seem silly or not legitimate, and i don't believe that they really care one way or the other.

maybe it's because you never really know how badly you need help until an emergency happens. you always think you can just go along taking care of yourself or using whatever means you are using. with me, i have had recurring, chronic, unexplained illnesses for many years now, making it so i can barely do anything except get out of bed and go to work. my parents have helped me pay my bills. there is a conflict between being grateful for their help, versus also wanting to become independent and self-reliant and not need their help, although i may get help from other people besides my parents. so anyway, i get into an emergency like this one, moving out of my apartment, having a hard time finding a new one, and having to do strange, unexplainable things to avoid contaminating more of my belongings - so i can't just ask people to come in here and help me move things, because they will contaminate things worse than they already are.

there's going to be a lot of activity right at the last minute, a lot of urgently moving stuff out and piling it randomly into the storage unit, even if it contaminates things, even if it doesn't fit in there. i rented a rather small place, and i can't compact or compress my belongings as much as i would like to, because of the contamination.

i also am tempted to try living in my car, at least briefly. i'm sure i can find a roommate eventually, because i've looked on craigslist, and lots of people are looking for roommates. but i like the idea of not paying any bills, although i will be buying even more fast food, since i won't have a way to cook it or store it, and i am sick of fast food, and i really want to improve my diet, because i have a lot of knowledge about nutrition and also about food sensitivities, and whenever my life is stable, i'm able to cook for myself and eat the way that i think i should eat, but whenever i am living the way i have been living for a while now, i have too many problems with cooking for myself. something always goes wrong, and a lot of it is because of the mold in the air in the kitchen - so i can barely function while trying to cook. the kitchen is one of the worst places.

i am sure i will get it moved out - i have already started. but it causes me a lot of physical pain, in my muscles and joints, and fatigue, and i really do keep getting hit with drugs, poisons, chemicals, and other unknown things, which also get stirred up into the air. i already had an outburst of writing letters to martin again, because of getting into weird moods from chemicals. so i am not moving anything or packaging anything on days when i have to go to work.

unfortunately, i have another conflict now: being glad to get some more hours at work, working in the chinese food sections, but also dreading it, because of the fossil fuel propane flames - i hope the hood fan helps enough - and dreading it because i was expecting to have only a few days a week, and lots of days to be moving and packing stuff up and getting it out of here.

i am thinking i might call peter and bring him over here. he wouldn't be able to come over in the daytime. he would have to disappear during the nighttime. i don't want him to pick things up or move things around. i just want him to 'stand there and look pretty.' he doesn't have to do anything. i will be comforted by the presence of a loving person while i try to do the painful work of moving things.

loneliness is one reason why i can't get much work done at home. i have no energy, no morale, no spirit, no motivation for doing work whenever it's just lonely painful misery doing something difficult that i don't like to do. (i'm lonely doing enjoyable things here, too, though. if i were doing something happy, then i'd want people to be with me then, too.)

in the beginning, when i met peter in... 2005? yeah, wow, that was a long time ago. i have utterly destroyed the past two years of my life with this herbal contamination - it's like the past two years didn't even exist. you can't imagine the hell that i have lived in. there is so much that i cannot do, so many normal things, because of this. so many simple things.

in the beginning, peter used to sometimes come over here and visit me at night. he had a working car back then. he even came over sometimes in the daytime.

he doesn't have a car right now, because... as he explains it, his wife didn't get around to paying their insurance bill. and he isn't able to pay it - he tried to, but his name isn't on their records, because technically, he's not allowed to drive anymore. he had a low blood sugar incident while driving, and the doctor took away his license, and refuses to give it back.

LOW sugar is one of the strange problems that diabetic people can have. i want to learn more about the reasons why he has low sugar incidents, and we have some theories (the drugs he's on can cause low sugar) but it's unpredictable and hard to control. in addition to that, i think he has some drug residues on some of his furniture and the counter, and possibly clothing, but he doesn't really accept my 'transdermally absorbed drug residue theory.' i might be able to shampoo the couch for him with a rented rug doctor, or something.

so the license plate was removed from the car, and they still haven't gotten it back. his wife has been taking a taxi to work, which means that all of their money is going to this taxi. it's unimaginably expensive, which means that right now, they are spending money from unknown sources, and they aren't paying their bills, and the money is coming from a mysterious place which i can't explain. i believe that probably, they're just not paying the rent on their apartment. they've had to do that before. and they have medical bills too. it's really a medical bankruptcy situation. but he has tried to get government help, but they say he's not eligible, because his wife makes enough money as a manager at mcdonald's. so, he's extremely screwed in just about every way possible.

... which is one reason why i'm trying to move to bellefonte. i can't get too deeply involved in his life, i can't be too much responsible for his money, or his medical needs, because he isn't my husband, and i can barely support myself, and meanwhile, i am also going to be looking for someone who WILL become my husband and who will stay with me permanently so that my children will have a stable home. but even so, i am going to try to help, doing whatever i can, while also working on my own goals.

as i was saying, peter did used to come over here sometimes. but a couple things happened. he had kidney failure. i think that some of his health problems might have unknowingly been triggered by my herbal contamination, back when i didn't know it was happening.

i was already handling and growing st. john's wort in a pot, when peter and i met, or at least, i started doing it shortly after meeting him, in 2005. but i didn't have anything more dangerous than that. i was aware that st. john's wort went through the skin. when peter visited, my instructions were that he had to avoid touching any objects on the table where my little 'processing area' was. i had a mortar and pestle that i was using to grind up the leaves and mix them with oil. i was applying the drops of oil to my skin. i used gloves, and i was careful not to touch the leaves directly or i would have a strong reaction. i already knew about that back then.

i didn't know that a lot of my fatigue was caused by mold in the air at this apartment. so i was using drugs to help with fatigue.

herbal pills, bought at the store, were inconsistent. sometimes they worked, sometimes they didn't. the drug effects varied drastically. there are many different possible chemicals in st. john's wort, and all herbal drugs - there are hundreds of different active compounds, in many different forms, and it varies with the individual plant, the way it was grown, the soil, the way you handle it and process it, and so on. so i decided to grow the plant myself, and have more control over the way it was handled. i would try to understand how to get the drug effects that i desired, and avoid the unwanted side effects.

so that's what i was doing in 2005-2006.

sometime in early 2007, i started handling other seeds. i was going to try to plant some stimulant drugs. i was handling tobacco seeds, which i planted. they grew a little bit, then died. i didn't realize, back then, that i was using soil which contained juglone, a chemical poison from the walnut trees outside my house. i had gone out in the backyard to get soil for my pots, and i had no idea that walnut trees make the soil infertile for many types of plants, so i didn't understand why a lot of my herbs would sprout a little bit, then die. (i learned about walnuts and juglone in a conversation with a neighbor just down the street from me. he's a gardener.)

well, i also handled ephedra seeds. i was thinking that i would be able to control my usage of ephedra. i wasn't going to eat it or swallow it. i wasn't going to use any large doses. i wouldn't use it in combination with any other drugs. i was going to plant it, and use infinitesimally small amounts, on the skin.

if you haven't experienced what i've experienced, you don't know the meaning of the phrase 'infinitesimally small amounts.' i didn't know, and neither did anyone else that i read, anyplace - maybe they know about this in china, but it's all written in chinese, and it's probably censored by the government, so if any chinese people are planting ephedra and getting contaminated, i can't read about it very easily.

you don't know what 'infinitesimal' means. it means that, maybe, three molecules or so, is enough to trigger symptoms. i might be exaggerating. i don't know how mnay molecules. it is at the molecular level. it is not like you need a big dose. you respond to only a few molecules.

there are other chemicals that behave that way. pheromones, hormones, and other scents will trigger responses in the body, even at molecular quantities. when you inhale a scent into your nose, it only takes a couple of molecules to trigger the neurons that detect a smell. according to what i've read, they really do only need a couple of molecules. it works with animals and humans both. animals can detect a pheromone scent from miles away at molecular-level concentrations.

so if you get a *couple molecules* of ephedra on your skin, your sinuses will dry out, you will feel an uncomfortable and unpleasant sensation, you get insomnia *so badly* that *NOTHING* will put you to sleep, *NO MATTER WHAT*, no matter how hard you try, no matter how long you lie there. if you are using any other drugs at the same, such as coffee, or chocolate - chocolate can cause major interactions with ephedra. your heart will speed up, and if you have a really bad incident like i did, i went up to about 140 beats per minute (you're supposed to range from around 60 to 100, normally around 80). your blood pressure can go up.

i think that peter visited my house during this time period, when i didn't know that i had tobacco contamination and ephedra contamination in a couple of places. like i said, it only has to be a couple molecules.

if you have diabetes, if your kidneys are already functioning badly because of diabetes, if you already have a *tendency* towards high blood pressure... peter already had used blood pressure drugs in the past, but had quit using them cold turkey, and wasn't on any blood pressure drugs at the time.

so around christmas of 2006, i think - it was sometime that winter - peter had a strange incident. his nose started bleeding, pouring blood, and it wouldn't stop. he went to the doctor and they said it was high blood pressure. a nosebleed is your body's way of trying to release the high blood pressure, as i interpret it. so he got back on drug again.

i think that my herbs might have triggered the incident. i'm not sure. it could have been the dry air of winter. his house is always very dry and he uses a humidifier in the winter. he already had previous blood pressure problems... so i don't know whether to blame my herbs or not.

after that, his kidneys started failing badly. again, they were already somewhat damaged, but still working. as i was cleaning up my contamination, i tried using chemicals, like borax, on my laundry. borax causes kidney stones or kidney failure, i think - i would have to look it up again. ephedra also causes kidney failure.

so he started having some symptoms that made me suspect contamination. he had severe insomnia a few times... but that can also happen with kidney failure. all of his drugs were partly repsonsible, and his other health problems, and even the synthetic insulin itself - i think maybe synthetic insulin is dangerous, but you don't have much of an alternative.

so i said he was no longer permitted to come over to my house. he did visit a few times since then, but i was very anxious about it. i would tell him not to touch certain things or not to walk or sit in a certain place; i had to give him a particular chair to sit on. it's hard to follow the rules when you aren't living with the contamination every day. no one else knows what i know about 'touch this location, and you'll get persistent insomnia and dry sinuses and high blood pressure that will last for weeks unless you wash it off.'

one accident followed another. i had no experience with contamination. i thought i had gotten rid of it and that it was all over, several times. several times i thought, 'finally, i can get back to my normal life,' only to have another outbreak of contamination.

eventually peter stopped coming over here. it was partly out of respect for my anxiety, but it was also because they were having car problems. it wasn't just the insurance or the license or registration, they originally had two cars, and both of them were *AMERICAN* cars, need i say more? i am very prejudiced in favor of hondas and toyotas, which are reliable... but we could have a fight over this subject, and i don't usually bother talking about it... i just don't buy american cars. his cars kept breaking down for petty reasons. hondas and toyotas just don't do that. you can buy an american car, brand new, and three months later, some trivial part will break down for no reason. ...but again, there will be people who swear on their immortal souls that they bought a chevy or a ford and it lasted thirty years and never had a single breakdown (and they also had a best friend, or neighbor, who was constantly doing 'special maintenance' on the car for free, of course, finding spare parts and gadgets, and fixing things, as a hobby).

you can be a clueless, careless, not-at-all-knowledgeable person, who does no 'special maintenance' whatsoever, doesn't even think about their car, knows nothing about it, ignores it for years, and a honda or toyota will just keep working. a badly maintained toyota or honda will still last forever. a *PERFECTLY* maintained, extra care and attention, constant work done on it by a car hobbyist, american car, will still keep having unexpected breakdowns from little things.

why am i talking about this? i'm not interested in fighting over vehicle brand names.

when i was little, we had a couple volkswagens. we had a... whatever those big family cars - station wagons, we had one of those with fake wood paneling on the side. a 1970s car. we also had a chiracco, if i'm spelling that right. i should google it... it would be weird to see the image of that car. it was tan-colored. that was dad's car. he drove it to work. i don't remember much about that car. but we gradually started buying toyotas.

as far as i know, consumer reports magazine is still reliable. i haven't bought a car in a long time, but, like my dad, i got my advice from that magazine. they used to recommend hondas and toyotas as their most reliable cars, but that might have changed since then. some other type of car could have become the most reliable since then, i don't know. reliability is all i really care about in a car.

sometimes people worry that i'm really, really judgmental about something, when i reality, i hardly care about it at all. i get 'voices' telling me that people are worried about wearing hats now, because i complain about how much i hate baseball caps. it's true, i do hate them, but some are worse than others (don't wear colored patterns or camouflage hats), and also, i will tolerate almost anything if i like the person. i'm the same way about cars. i utterly loathe american cars, but i have known many friends and boyfriends over the years who have had those kinds of cars, and i usually just ignore it. but i become irritated if they ever have a breakdown and they're complaining about their car problems and i just want to advise them to get rid of the american car and never, ever buy one again (unless they change drastically) and buy something reliable instead.

(*i am starting to feel suspicious about this, because whenever i talk about an unusual subject, it might mean that the voices are telling me to talk about it, and now i am getting paranoid about car problems, either for myself or somebody else. and i haven't been able to take car of my own car, either. i am worried about too many other emergencies right now.*)

well, this all got started because of peter and his american cars. that's another reason why he wasn't able to get over to my house very often, and also, i had expressed a lot of anxiety about the contamination, and told him i thought my drugs might have triggered some of his symptoms.

the kidney failure happened after he was given prednisone for his pneumonia. he also went blind - he developed cataracts - prednisone causes that to happen (and he also is using energy-saver light bulbs, which make *MY* eyes burn, and i supposedly have normal eyes with no problems at all. *DON'T USE ENERGY-SAVER BULBS! THEY ARE EVIL!* my eyesight is blurry for *HOURS* if i sit someplace that uses those bulbs. the fluorescent ones that have developed in the past couple years and are now *REQUIRED BY GOVERNMENT* in public places. i can't sit in a restaurant, like dunkin donuts, and read a book, because the lights burn my eyes so badly. i can't sit at barnes and noble either. i've tried. sometimes i feel sociable and lonely and want to sit in a public place reading a book, enjoying the company without actually talking to anyone... but i can't, because those horrible lights are unbearable.).

since then, he's had cataract surgery, and they replaced his lenses with fake lenses, which aren't able to get cataracts again. so, his temporary blindness was another reason why he wasn't driving a car during this time period.

the result of all this was that peter stopped coming over here to visit me. everything was against it. this was a painful loss. i liked having his company over here.

because of this contamination, i cannot invite ordinary people to my house, i can't easily just make a new friend and invite them over to watch a movie with me, or do simple ordinary things like that.

just because people don't *believe* me doesn't mean that the contamination isn't real. what i mean is, i could try to explain it to a new friend, and tell them that my carpet will put a chemical onto their shoes, which they will track into their car, and to their own house, and get insomnia and other problems. they won't believe me, and it will sound strange to them. but it's still true. they don't believe it, but it's still true. and if they ever mention 'i can't sleep, i have insomnia and it won't go away,' i immediately feel terrified and guilty and like it's my fault because of my contamination. i know that's what would happen. so i don't let peter come over here, and also, i worried about dennis when he was over here once or twice a few months ago. i really haven't had any other visitors. (*unless you count the suspected burglars who might possibly be using electronic methods to force me to fall asleep for a couple hours during the night, and then reawaken and not remember anything - and no, i am not joking, this is the literal truth, i suspect that somebody might be doing something to me while i sleep, and i don't have the videocamera anymore.*)

'we need to talk... about love. real love.'

not just 'good friends with sex?' friends with benefits?

i haven't 'loved' anyone in all this time. i have loved in a particular way, the love of a 'friend with benefits,' a sexual love, which can last many years - i have a pattern of dating someone for quite a few years, not large numbers of people, and not for extremely long periods - it's a medium number of years, less than a decade.

the longest and most serious relationship i had was with my (heterosexual) best friend rachael, in middle school and high school. growing up with a best friend influenced me very much. because of her, i know that all of my strange thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and fantasies are important - they matter to someone, they are taken seriously. we both used to get into our imaginary world, our stories, our dreams, and they were *important*. we trusted each other and could talk about anything. we were best friends for eleven years, until she met her husband, who i distrusted, and she separated from me and her family and everyone else, in order to be with a husband that several people disappoved of. she now refuses to communicate with me or her family. but she had a 'lifelong impact' on me. i still feel, even now as an adult, that my thoughts and fantasies and dreams, everything matters, everything is important, somebody out there still cares about it, and who i am is important.

so i have loved. it wasn't a sexual love, it was a best friendship. rachael was 'unusual'. she was a myers-briggs ENFP, i'm sure of it. a real one, not just one that mistakenly gets called an 'N' when they're actually an 'S' because the test is flawed. i don't recall if she ever took the test or not, but when i started studying the myers-briggs, i decided she was an ENFP.

so i know i am capable of love. i haven't loved a man that way. i have loved men but not to quite the same level of closeness and trust, of being able to tell someone everything going on inside your head, everything you're experiencing, and to know that they actually care to hear about it.

my plan for marriage might be: i might possibly marry someone for 'practical' reasons, economic reasons, to support me and have children with me, even though i have not yet fallen in love passionately. this is disappointing, but i've decided that i don't have enough time left to wait for a real, passionate love. we just have to get along with each other well enough to be stable.

and i think i should marry someone who is somewhat different from myself, which is the reason why i fought and argued with 'the voices' whenever i was hearing voices telling me to marry martin. (meanwhile, martin stopped speaking to me. how can i even talk about marrying someone when they're not even communicating with me?) i thought that he and i are too much alike. i wanted to somehow bond with him in a long lasting way, or stay connected and have a friendship, if he wouldn't have a sexual relationship - and i also was forced to tell him some things, in an early email i wrote to him, when i was drugged while sleeping, and the voices forced me to speak like a puppet - i wrote him a lot of things - and i informed him that i'm pretty sure i have some kind of herpes, even though the doctor's test said it was negative - the test was wrong. i have *something*. i get cold sores, and have also had something on my lower back. whatever it is, i'm assuming it's contagious, and so i don't go around having casual, careless, 'free love' relationships with whoever i want, because i don't want to give them whatever virus i have. so i told him that, too.

(which is why i've been asking the question, 'and what does that have to do with friendship?' he can't catch herpes from me on facebook. i still don't understand why it's a total avoidance thing. does he think that i'm malicious? that i'm going to go on facebook and try to deliberately destroy all of his friendships or something? that i'm going to write comments and insults and make fun of him in front of all his other friends? i tried asking him, 'what don't you want me to do?' but he didn't answer. i would try to accommodate him, i would try to cooperate, to negotiate, to work something out, if he would talk to me and tell me 'do this, don't do that.' but since he won't, or can't, communicate with me, i have been trying to totally disconnect from him, except whenever i have these 'outbursts' or incidents whenever i get exposed to drugs or get sick or have other problems... i don't know how long that will be happening. how many more years do i have to worry about these 'outbursts?' how much longer do i have to be afraid that i'm going to try contacting him, and do something he doesn't want me to do, and he will call the police on me, because for some reason he has decided that he must absolutely not communicate with me, or hear me, or speak a word to me, or see me, at all? and if i try to meet other people, if i try to mentally disconnect and forget about him, the voices won't let me. they keep calling my attention back to him and not letting me block him out. and every time they remind me about him, i feel connected to him all over again, because i *DID* really like him a lot and found him attractive.)

well... i had been talking about peter, about people not being able to visit my apartment, about having a best friend, about meeting martin during this time period when all this was going on...

and what is going to happen now? living in my car? i had been thinking, for several years now, that i wanted to try at least briefly living in my car. my brother did it for a year or so, if i recall. i have heard of other people living in their car. i don't want to do it forever. but i might want to find out what it's like. however, certain parts of my car are slightly contaminated, although nowhere near as badly as the carpet of my apartment. it's only a few places, and i can avoid them. i can't sleep in the back trunk area now (folding down the back seats) because i had put some laundry bags in there, and they contaminated it. but i can sleep in the back seat, with the seats in the normal position. it's small and cramped... but i'm only five foot two, i'm short. i can curl up. it's not going to be comfortable, though. the seats are a little slanted, like my futon, and i found out it's painful to sleep on a slanted surface.

i get people arguing about my instinctual variants. that's been 'all the rage' for the past few weeks since i started reading about ichazo's instincts in the enneagram. they want me to play a certain role, to do certain things, and they want to know my instincts so that they can control me most effectively.

my reasons for knowing about the instincts and the personality types are to help me *COOPERATE* and *COMMUNICATE* most effectively with people, not control them. cooperate, communicate. i don't view it like this greedy person searching for someone's weaknesses and vulnerabilities so that i can have power over them. i see it as wanting to know: what do you desire? what do you want to avoid? can we negotiate something? that is why i am interested in the personality types.

but the 'voices,' they are always acting greedy about it, pouncing on anything that looks like a vulnerability that they can take advantage of. this is an enneagram type eight doing this. however, it's never who you think it is. i have thought many times that judith swack was responsible for my being attacked by the electronic mind control system, however in reality it could be anybody. this is organized crime. judith swack may or may not be involved in the organized crime system. she might not know it or believe it, but i am pretty sure she consciously knows about it, from some things she said on the phone. however, she isn't the ONLY person involved: there are lots of people involved in the mind control systems and the gangs.

*somebody* decided, a few years ago, that i would not be permitted to meditate silently for even two minutes without being zapped or controlled. they won't let me, because if i am able to think freely and meditate on my own, i would quickly and easily motivate myself to escape from the life that they have planned for me, from the things they want to force me to do. i used to be able to lie down, and think thoughts, and change my mind, and make plans, and look at my life and decide what direction i wanted to go. now i can't. i can only think 'controlled thoughts,' and if i fight against them, they do these things...

somebody, this is an angry thought - they did this just the other day. somebody bombarded me with the repetitive, meaningless gibberish from the pre-recorded voices, just the other day, as 'punishment' because i fought against them and tried to refuse to think the thoughts they were forcing me to think, and feel the emotions they were forcing me to feel. i tried not to, and, as 'punishment,' they started repeating these meaningless garbage phrases into my brain, which i haven't heard in years. they go through phases of saying specific things.

during a few months of a specific time period, they will say a certain word over and over. and it's meaningless and irrelevant. they interrupt your thoughts with this meaningless word, at random times during the day. for instance, i was working at kentucky fried chicken a couple years ago, and when i was at work, i would be putting food out on the buffet, and all of a sudden hear the phrase 'feces, shift,' in my head. they started trying to translate what the word 'shift' meant, and decided it was a euphemism for 'shit.' so they would say the word 'shift' and it was supposed to mean 'shit.' i don't know why. how am i supposed to know why they do these stupid, meaningless attacks? they seemed to be insulting the bad food at KFC, telling me that the food quality was 'feces, shift' or something. they were frequently talking about feces and about bad food and anything having to do with shit. i would buy food at sheetz, and they would give me nightmares about 'shitz.' there's another blogger who talks about how they are preoccupied with 'anything brown' and fecal material - he's a tiworld.blogspot.com, if i recall. they harass him over anything resembling fecal material and they are always thinking about it and talking about it and doing things and calling his attention to it. that's very similar to my own experiences. i never really worried much about fecal material before this. i am not really all that concerned about it. but 'they,' for whatever reason, like to think about it all day long, and complain about it, and talk about it, and notice it, and talk about how the food quality is like shit, and so on. this is not me, it's them.

however, that phase ended, and they stopped bothering me about shit so much. they haven't harassed me in that particular 'theme' for a long time now.

but whenever i do an achievement or accomplishment, such as studying and learning something in my books, or working on a song, they *TOTALLY FREAK OUT* and i will get horrible, disgusting nightmares and severe abuse and attacks. all i have to do is achieve something, and it sets them off. as long as i am miserable and suffering quietly in my isolated little world, all alone, not achieving anything, not learning anything, not creating anything, not writing any music, not being socially approved of - that freaks them out the most, whenever i get social approval or approval from my mother and father. i remember when i emailed my parents and told them i had gotten a raise at the job where i was working at the time. i was making a lot of money doing data entry, back in the early 2000s. so i told my parents in an email, and the attackers went nuts because my mom and dad congratulated me on doing such a good job and getting a raise. the attacks and the torture were extremely severe and disgusting and horrible and murderous that day and afterwards.

and you should see what they do when i try to write music. i have to listen to the music on headphones while i'm writing it. but i have to concentrate. so i'll play the music a little bit, and then stop, and think about what i'm going to do next. but the murderers won't let me think: instead, they keep forcing the sound of the music to keep on playing in my head, repetitively, blocking everything else out so that i cannot think. i'll walk away from the computer and still hear the little phrase of music playing over and over and over in my head, and i physically cannot stop it. i'll go to sleep, and that night, they will write nightmares about music playing, and those are the most disgusting and intolerable nightmares, and they used to write songs with lyrics about, you guessed it, fecal materials. they were writing songs about shit, whenever i was trying to write music.

and no, it isn't normal, or natural, or part of how the brain works. i thought, for a while, that it was normal to keep hearing a song playing in your head all day long. modern people talk about getting a song stuck in your head. it's taken for granted as a normal phenomenon. i have decided about this: i've decided that *ALL* songs stuck in your head are *100% FAKE* and nothing else. they are not normal brain behavior, they are not natural, they are *not* 'subconscious processing' or anything like that. they are fake, and nothing but fake - ALL music playing in your head is ALWAYS fake. that is what i have decided. i have decided that there is NO SUCH THING as getting a song stuck in your head. this phenomenon just doesn't exist, and it is a 100% certain indication that you are the victim of an attack.

i am going to make a small exception to this, which is, of course you have short-term memory, and you will sometimes keep thinking of a song, after singing, or listening to it - but this is such a short-term effect and it will go away instantly whenever you want it to, the very instant that you choose for it to be silent, immediately, quickly, and easily. it is merely a brief memory and you can easily forget it and change to some other thought. there is *NEVER, EVER* a problem with a song appearing on its own, involuntarily, from your 'subconscious mind' - EVER. NO EXCEPTIONS. it should not come up spontaneously inside your head while you're in the middle of some other activity. you will never have a nagging song that won't stop haunting you and refuses to go away, unless you are being attacked.

they don't want me to write songs... they are soul murderers. my song is my soul. i want to sing it. i could write great songs, songs of joy, songs of life. it wouldn't be the shit that's on the radio now - and yes, i'm talking about fecal material - you want to be preoccupied with fecal material, you can go listen to the crap that's on the radio. i would write great music different from that crap that's on the radio. the soul murderers won't let me write.

i think i should go do something else now.