Rules seem artificial at first, but then you get used to them

About consciously choosing some of my 'rules' based on a belief or value, then over time agreeing with them:

i am trying to articulate what this idea was. and i probably shouldn't even talk about this subject, because i think it makes everyone think that i am extremely judgmental or rejecting or something like that. also, another reason why i probably shouldn't write about this is because it's what the voices were talking to me about when i woke up, which is usually a sign that they're finding a way to insult somebody. this is a hair-related subject. and based on past experience, i know that whenever i talk about anything having to do with hair and hairstyles, somebody either gets their feelings hurt, or somebody starts making fun of something.

i can give two types of examples; in one example, i had an 'innate' or 'automatic' or 'spontaneous' response of liking something, without being able to explain why. in another example, i initially disliked something - maybe because i was taught to dislike it, i don't know - and then i eventually changed my own mind, on purpose, because of a belief or value.

first, when i was very young, all the way in kindergarten, i liked boys who had long hair. through elementary school, and adolescence, and all of my life, i have been attracted to guys with long hair. it started at such a young age, i can't explain it. my father and brother had short hair, so it's not like i was surrounded by long-haired men that i was looking at and getting used to. so, that was a spontaneous response of liking something without being able to explain why.

but my best friend and i asked questions, in our late teens, just before college. we asked why women shave, couldn't find a logical reason, and so we began the experiment of quitting shaving.

in the idea of fairness, i also asked myself why i should dislike baldness and why i disliked beards. somehow, i liked long hair on men, but i was somewhat mainstream in agreeing with the image of all the men i saw on TV and in mainstream society. they all had shaved faces, and baldness was seen as undesirable. originally, i agreed with that.

but i made a rule, consciously and deliberately, for the sake of fairness, that if i advocated not shaving, then i should also teach myself to get used to baldness and beards on men. so originally, i disliked them, just like the rest of mainstream society, but i made a rule out of fairness.

now i think that baldness and beards are something that you get used to if you see them everywhere. there is evidence for this, because in many other cultures, men have beards of various lengths (although they are usually trimmed and shaped a certain way), and yet they are still attractive in those cultures. it's just unfamiliar in the usa.

about baldness, i have two beliefs: one is that we might have more baldness than usual in modern society, and it might be caused by hormones and drugs, like obesity - anything in the modern life that affects the hormones and the body in general. so baldness might not be as common or as inevitable as it seems.

second, i really have noticed, after paying attention, that i like bald men who grow long the remainder of their hair. i haven't seen many men doing this, but when i see it, i think it's better than shaving it all off. this is because i like long hair innately, and always have. i still respond positively to whatever hair they are able to grow even if most of their head is bald. and i can't explain why i like long hair, except that i always have.

so, again, i said i was talking about this because 'they' were asking me about it when i woke up. i consciously required myself to accept baldness and beards out of fairness, and then, later on, found out that i did get used to them and learn to like them. there are things you can teach yourself to like if they are based on a rule, a value, fairness, or something like that. but originally, i just agreed with mainstream society that beards were ugly and that if you were bald, it was just hopeless and there was nothing you could do about it. i changed my mind deliberately. so, to some extent, people are able to choose, or change, what they think is attractive, and then get used to the change, and eventually like it.

***

i think they chose this topic because i mentioned androgyny yesterday. i assume that's what this is all about. i haven't talked about the conflicting theories on the 'andrea jenny' thing. i don't know if i should even bother to give my interpretations of that. it doesn't even matter, he's still not answering or returning my calls and emails.

according to the 'he is being harassed' theory, he could be receiving text messages (or something) from a person calling themselves andrea jenny, and he knows that the name is a joke, and it's supposed to be making fun of him with regard to me. it's insulting to both of us. it's making fun of him, because originally, in the beginning, he liked me, and i used the word 'flirted' with me, to describe what happened, but that was to avoid using the word 'seduced.' however, he was secretive about it, and also, back then, i was blogging differently, not talking openly about mind control or sexual topics or hairstyles or anything like that. so i was also being more secretive back then. and i was bleaching my whiskers during that time period, although i have gone through other phases of years when i didn't, and my whiskers were brown. if you have bad eyesight, it's possible to not be able to see the bleached whiskers, although actually they were still very visible. so according to that theory he didn't know what he was doing at the time. and he didn't know that 'they' would start attacking severely and changing my behavior immediately after he started 'flirting with' or 'seducing' me.

so, immediately after he began... 'interacting with' me, i was attacked very severely and they convinced me to do some things. and i cannot trace back in my history to argue what all of my life path would have been without them, to say whether or not i would have been bleaching my whiskers, or blogging about mind control, or whatever. (i always say that if i ever gained anything good from the voices in my head, then it should have been, and could have been, given to me in a real-world, face-to-face relationship instead of by putting voices in someone's head. all of the ideas that i ended up agreeing with, i could have been *persuaded* to do in a conversation or friendship, instead of being forced and hypnotized and made to hear voices.)

as i said, in the beginning, he liked me, or was being very nice to me. then one day i saw him looking at me with extreme distrust and fear. that day i had written a blog which was a poem and it implied 'having children.' so i can understand that he might have been afraid i was going to try to have children without his consent, and no, this is not a joke, people really do that. i have read warren farrell's books. warren farrell is a 'masculist' or 'masculinist' or just a 'men's rights advocate' if you want to call it that. something that balances the feminists.

anyway he, and other people, have written about untrustworthy women who lie to you, get pregnant, aren't really using birth control, and that kind of thing, and then they make you a child support slave for the next couple decades. and child support is... i can only call it theft. it is a lie, a fraud, one of the worst things you can do to a person, to steal that person's money for a very long time, and say that it's 'for the good of the children,' while you take the money and spend it on fun things for yourself. you only need a tiny bit of the money for the kids and to pay your bills, and the rest of the 'child support' money will go for buying expensive new dresses for yourself, or shopping for more junk and knickknacks at yard sales, and things like that. this is a common phenomenon that happens, it's real.

(yes, i believe that men need to help be responsible for their children. but whatever arrangement i would want to make, it would *not* be like the existing child support laws.)

so at that time, i had the theory that he was distrusting me because he thought i was going to try to get pregnant without his consent. i was trying to understand why he started looking at me in a distrusting way, and why he very quickly stopped talking to me.

but i was also being attacked and forced to do things and change my appearance and do more 'grooming experiments' since they saw that i was already interested in countercultural, non-mainstream hair and grooming rules. and i was also being attacked and forced to say various things to him in email, and getting 'suggestions' for what to write about in my blogs.

so for all i know, since i am being attacked and harassed, there could be someone who is harassing him at the same time, and he doesn't know who it is. in this theory, he could be getting text messages from someone calling themselves 'andrea jenny,' and it's supposed to be making fun of me, and making fun of him for the fact that he ever was attracted to me at all, before the severe problems began happening. and i have had fake spammers and other types of harassment like that, for many years, so i know that this is exactly the kind of 'joke' that they might do. that is why this interpretation is plausible at all to me, because i have actually experienced that type of thing.

and when he would get that type of text message or whatever, 'they' would force him to be reminded of me, to think about me, to feel as though i'm the one who's doing it, to feel as though i'm 'the hacker' who's harassing him (and it won't matter how many times i explain that yes, i'm intelligent and competent with computers, yes, i tried learning a very small amount of programming several times, but no, i do not do anything to spy on other people's computers or emails or whatever, or manipulate those computers, or mess them up, or make them do things, etc, etc). and i know from experience, that when they are harassing you over the computer, they attack your mind at the same time, forcing you to interpret it a certain way, forcing you to feel particular emotions, because that is what they did to me for years and years back when i was working at jobs where i sat in front of a computer typing all day long, and watching my computer and all the other office computers get hacked and malfunction in 'meaningful ways' that were relevant to things i had been doing or saying.

well, that was the 'giving him the benefit of the doubt' theory. i should also add that i have seen him zone out or blank out, not answering when people talk to him, and it looked as though he was doing subvocal speech, whispering without actually moving the mouth. this was only one incident that i saw, but i noticed it. he would have been blanked out while being attacked and forced to hear, and talk back to, a whispering voice, and it was when i and someone else were both standing right next to him. someone was trying to tell him to move out of the way, and he just stood there not answering. i have seen him do, and say, a couple of other things that seemed out of context and odd.

so i am interpreting him as someone experiencing 'dissociative identity disorder,' which is fake - it's caused by external attacks - it's not a 'naturally occurring mental illness' of any kind, it's totally fake (fake, as in, it's caused by criminals, attackers, external people, instead of something within your own mind). also, someone told me about him, and she said that he seemed to be a different person in different circumstances, in a way that made her feel like she wasn't sure what his real personality was, what he really believed or felt, whether he was trustworthy. so i add that comment to my overall interpretation of him. and i don't mean that he experiences DID in a blatant, severe, obvious way like some people do. some people can openly tell you that they are in another persona and what that persona's name is, and all that. i don't see him doing anything that severe. i just mean that maybe, he blanks out for a few seconds and doesn't notice what's going on around him, and gets suggestions to say unexpected things. i myself have also been made to say strange or unexpected things out of context, which is why i talk about people being 'puppets' instead of consciously understanding what they're saying.

well, i had to get that out of the way.

now there is the 'NOT giving him the benefit of the doubt' theory. according to this interpretation, he himself is making fun of me, and his friends are also doing it, and they all know who 'andrea jenny' is referring to.

this is where i have a conflict with the voices in my head. i want to separate my own personality, my own emotional responses, from the fake responses that 'they' are giving me. 'they' are all freaked out about it - 'OH MY GOD! HE'S MAKING FUN OF HER! THEY'RE ALL MAKING FUN OF HER CONSTANTLY! YOU CAN'T LET HIM GET AWAY WITH THAT!' blah, blah, blah.

i am much more mellow about it myself. first off, i would have disconnected from him long ago and stopped trying to contact him... except i really am being forced, again and again, to be reminded of him, to remember that he exists. in the 'real world,' i would have been capable of just pushing him out of my mind long ago. i would have been able to just forget, very quickly, and move on.

however, many times a day, 'they' force me to think thoughts about him, to remember that he exists, to be reminded of my feelings, to be reminded that i thought he was attractive and i enjoyed being close to him and i enjoyed our very few, brief conversations that we had, and i enjoyed the couple of emails that he wrote to me before we became unable to communicate. in the real world, i would have blanked all of that out whenever he stopped communicating. i would have accepted it, i would have understood that he was rejecting me for some reason, that maybe i couldn't understand it. i would just forget. that is how people cope with such things in the real world. in the real world, people are able to forget.

however, in the artificial mind-control system, somebody out there has something to gain by keeping me connected with him. i don't know if they've bet money on us, or something - i get the impression that they literally buy and sell people and speculate on their value. this is one of my theories for what the mind control system is doing. for whatever reason, they want me to stay connected with him, and not forget. so they mention him to me several times a day.

since i am being FORCED to remember him, then that makes it even stupider for me to *FREAK OUT, OH MY GOD, HE'S MAKING FUN OF ME* and react that way. i'm being forced to do something, and maybe he's being forced to do things too, and he has to protect himself, and he has to defend himself by doing whatever he thinks is necessary. why should i freak out about something that i have no control over? normally, i would have just mostly forgotten about him by now, and would be thinking about something, or someone else, because he stopped answering letters and phone calls.

whenever you force people to do things, their behavior becomes distorted and unnatural, and it is not a good thing. *of course* people are not going to be at their best. people being forced to go against their nature and against what they really want to do are always going to be anxious, angry, stressed, with an unwanted burden or duty or pressure of some kind, and they are going to find some way to defend themselves or cope with the stress. this is an unnatural, artificial situation between me and him. it is not how we would have behaved if we were both free.

here is another impression i have. it's possible to be friends with somebody who makes fun of you with all their other friends, and then still remains friends with you. i am not saying this is good or desirable, i am just saying it is possible. it happens sometimes. hopefully, over time, something can happen that resolves it, so that the person is consistent and honest in both situations. you would want that person to be honest to their other friends about how he really feels about you, and what is really happening.

however, again, in today's world, in the mind control world, i can't know how much of his behavior he really has control over. i learned, i taught myself, not to blame the puppets for what they do, because i was also a puppet and i know how it is to be forced to think, believe, feel, and do things. we were born into this system. mind control weapons were invented long before we were born, and people were already using them when we were born. he and i both were born, not knowing this system and weapons existed. we were both born innocent. how can i know what he's being forced to do, versus what he would have done freely in the 'real world?' how could i tell just by looking at him? you can force a person to do lots of things - maybe not 'anything,' but lots of things, especially if they're on drugs. how can i straighten it all out? it's probably complicated, and i'm sure there's a long story behind it, and it's hard to talk about.

so... i quietly accept whatever he is doing, and i don't understand it. but i am not rejecting him, i am not judging him for it, because i don't understand it. i am a slave, and he is a slave, and we were both born that way, and i don't know what we would have been like in a free world where we could be ourselves and be who we are. so whatever is happening, it is more complicated than it looks on the surface, and that is how i interpret this.

it *does* hurt me that i can't speak to him or be with him, yet i keep getting reminded about him, every day, even though i would have wanted to just forget and move on and not think about him anymore after he stopped answering. i can't stop the voices from making me think about him. that's why i'm worried, because i expect that something else will happen, next time i get hit with drugs, or if i'm in a strange mood, or my hormones are acting up, or who knows what, and i get the idea or the suggestion to go try talking to him again or writing more letters or calling him.