more drama. they're complaining about all the drama lately.

today i lament the disinformation system, the box that people are put in, the parallel universe. not being able to talk directly to people. it's very real to me. dissociative identity disorder, people blanking out and forgetting that they've done or said something, while they switch to an alternate personality. phone calls and letters not getting through. even when people think they're hacking someone's computer, they're really seeing a mockup, a fake, not the real thing, not the whole thing. it's a very paranoid theory.

i'm cleaning things up in my apartment, slowly. i might end up living in my car for a while, as i continue to go through my stuff, and also decontaminate the car itself. i haven't gotten a phone call from the one apartment i was trying to get. and i can't focus much energy on doing too many different projects per day - so i have to either focus on trying to hunt for an apartment, or focus on packing and moving things into storage.

meanwhile, i keep getting hit with various drugs that make it hard to sleep or that make me tired and depressed. the garbage bag on my car seat got gradually ripped off and moved, exposing me once again to whatever it is that got on the seat.

yesterday i felt that something was so severely wrong, i hadn't felt that bad in a very long time. i really could not remember a time when i had been in such a bad mood. that was after packing and moving the books.

when i was feeling this urge to write letters to martin again, it was like i was in bad mood and he was supposed to make me feel better - my idealized crushes and infatuations have always been that way. it always seems like the person is different from or better than the real people who i actually know and interact with in real life. i wanted to make the friendship into a normal, mundane friendship instead of an idealized fantasy crush. this is more like having a crush on a celebrity that you can only see on a movie or a poster, and not like a real person.

i'm still not feeling well today, but not as bad as yesterday. i didn't touch the books today - i would guess it probably is pesticide. but i don't know for sure.

i can't wait until some time when i don't have to constantly worry about this. it wasn't always this way. it's only been like this since 2007. i am really not as severely chemical sensitive as it might seem - there are only a few specific things i have to avoid. and the herbal residues, and drug residues, are an unusual thing, not a normally occurring thing - especially now that i know what to expect.

i would like to be able to think about other things in life besides worrying about what objects i can safely touch, and throwing away clothes that i buy - i go to goodwill, get the cheapest stuff, and i make sure that the clothing is plain, so that it doesn't hurt too badly when i throw it away.

i can tell that the 'car seat drug' is bothering me, because i'm sick again and can't eat. that's the one that makes it hard for me to eat anything. but i am going to try again - i have to eat something before work today.

monday will be horrible. i will spend a few hours poisoned by carbon monoxide and propane smoke, even though i will turn on the hood fan. i'm guessing that the hood fan is probably not perfect enough to remove every single molecule of carbon monoxide. it's also the leaking propane itself, not yet burned.