bad mood

I never did tell about the beach yet. But I don't have time this morning to write about it before work.

The mood was really negative in the last post because I wasn't feeling well last night. When my stomach is upset I tend to be in a really bad mood. I am not actually dying right this very instant. What's worrying me is that the fillings are continuing to cause breast pain that wasn't there before. I'm concerned about it for two reasons: it could become cancer, and also, it will affect a developing baby. If there is enough BPA to cause any symptoms in me at all, then it will also affect the fetus.

I have a couple of irrelevant comments and complaints today. One is that I hate going to work, to slave over making food all day, when it would be exactly the same to live in a hunter-gatherer camp out in the woods, where I would slave over making food all day. If I were in a camp in the woods, I would at least have the freedom to choose the details of how I do my job. I could make changes to my work process to make it more efficient. I could recruit people to help me. I could directly benefit from improving the way I work or the amount of food I produce. But at my current job, there are no benefits to me except a constant hourly wage. I don't have enough time to write about it, but I hate the hourly wage system, the forty-hour work week, and the other labor laws.

My main problem is chronic fatigue. There is something wrong with me that makes me want to sleep all the time. I don't like to use the 'd-word,' depression, because that word is meaningless. 'Chronic fatigue' at least describes the symptom I experience: I'm tired all the time. It describes the symptom and goes no further than that. Chronic fatigue is the reason why I can't do the simplest of tasks that need to be done, unless I use drugs, which have unwanted side effects.

During the last few years, I've had a big crisis or catastrophe at least once every year. Some of them were major job losses caused by economic cycles. Other things were crises that supposedly I myself caused to happen. Some of them were things that were just not really anybody's fault. But it's starting to seem like somebody is repeatedly forcing me to do stupid things that I don't want to do, so that my life never settles down, and I can't make any progress. And with the chronic fatigue, my attempts to recover from each disaster take so long that by the time I've begun to recover, another disaster has begun.

This leads me to believe that the future isn't any better than the past, for me personally. I always hoped that if only I could recover from this one particular disaster, then I'd be able to move on with my projects. But there is ALWAYS another disaster just as I am recovering. And the fatigue slows down everything I do.

I could improve my chronic fatigue if I had help at home. It would be easier to cook, for instance, to comply with all my bizarre and difficult dietary requirements, if I had more help and free time. There are a lot of chemicals and foods that I want to avoid because of my Feingold diet. I think my fatigue would improve if I could eat certain foods and keep a record of my observations, but I can't even begin that project until several other disasters get fixed first.

Another reason it's been hard for me to recover from each disaster is because I do not have a single second of solitude during the entire day. This is unimaginable to anybody who hasn't experienced it. I am forced awake many times each night, and when I'm asleep, I'm forced to dream particular dreams. During the day, as I walk around, doing the most trivial and ordinary things, there are still people in my head constantly interacting with me, never leaving me alone for a second. It never ends.

Solitude is a human need just like every other need. People need food, water, air, sleep, physical contact, sex, and a lot of other things. Those things are important and most people are aware of how important they are. But they might not know the need for uninterrupted solitude. Most people are able to retreat from human interaction whenever they want to. They go home from work, and when they go inside their houses, they feel alone. They feel a peaceful quietness and lack of interruption. When they sleep, their brains do whatever is necessary.

But when you need a lot of uninterrupted time alone, and somebody is constantly with you, attacking you all day long, every second, it makes you even more tired and exhausted; it makes you forget who you are and what you want; it makes it impossible to think or make good decisions. I assume that I really do have health problems that cause chronic fatigue; however, the constant ongoing attacks make it impossible to recover or take action the way I would naturally do. For instance, I have noticed that I feel good if I sleep longer than twelve hours. But the attackers wake me up about every three hours, often less than that - more like, every single sleep cycle, at an hour and a half or so. And it doesn't matter if they wake me up or not because even while I'm asleep, they're still interfering with my mind, giving me dreams.

And it's hard to interact with real people, because I never stop interacting with 'imaginary' people! Adding new real people into my life is difficult, which is why it really WILL be a big deal when I start asking for material help, writing advertisements that explain what I want and need.

It's also not easy to live with somebody, as much as it would help if I did live with somebody and have cooperation to take care of cleaning and cooking and other basic things. I used to live with someone, and moved out. But I briefly went back to live with him when I was evicted from my apartment one year, and things happened that made it seem like he was a puppet being forced to attack me. For instance, I was working two jobs at the time, and I would go home and try to sleep. As soon as I lay down to sleep, he would be banging on my door and shouting and starting an argument. He simply would not allow me to sleep. Sleep deprivation is the classic, typical attack that they do. It wasn't his fault. The only time I could sleep was if he was out of the house. And people don't have sympathy for my chronic fatigue and my need to sleep at least twelve hours a day. In college, my roommates expressed envy and called me lazy, and said that THEY wished that THEY could do nothing but sleep all day long!

So it really is difficult finding a way to cooperate with real human beings, while surviving the unwanted, involuntary interaction with other people who are initiating physical force and using technology to attack me and the other real people in my life.

Meanwhile, this morning after I wrote my previous post, I think I must have gone back to sleep and woken up again, because then, they were talking to me about aliens. In this disinformation war, I often feel like the harder they try to argue in favor of a particular belief, the less likely it is to be true. In theory, I agree that the universe is large enough that there MUST be inhabited planets elsewhere with intelligent life and that they're probably learning to travel through space. But every time they try to convince me that aliens are already here and that they're interacting with me personally, there are bad implications that I want to avoid. Trust us: we're aliens. We know more than you know. You won't catch up with us for thousands of years. We're guiding you in helpful directions. But for all practical purposes, that's the same thing the government tells me! Why would I like aliens any more than I like government? And I say that while again emphasizing, in theory, there really could be aliens out there interacting with the people on earth, and I have no way to know whether there are or not. I was calling it 'anti-alienism' this morning while arguing with them about it. It's similar to my atheism. They might or might not be there, but if they were, we'd want to understand them and we'd want to protect ourselves against them, as their technology is potentially dangerous to us. You might negotiate with them, but you don't want to just obey whatever they try to make you do, or believe whatever they try to make you believe.

Well, I have to get ready to go cook a bunch of food that will be thrown in the garbage at the end of the day. My whole body aches and I don't feel well at all and I'm not in a good mood. In my hunter-gatherer camp I'm not going to be making lots of hot food and then throwing it away. That's the worst part of my job, the wasting of food. I'm starting to get a bad feeling about this job - it might get downsized as the store loses money. I've been talking a little bit about transferring to another department or at least working a few shifts elsewhere.