Wednesday, January 20, 2010
I'm reading the Weston Price book pretty quickly. I'm about halfway through. I am totally convinced. It's true that in modern culture, there is something that causes facial deformities and dental deformities. Weston Price focused on the lack of nutrients, but I also suspect the presence of something harmful. In other words, we are lacking something we need, and we are also not protecting ourselves against something harmful. The worst deformities occur with pregnant mothers eating nothing but canned food and white bread. Their children are born with nostrils and sinuses so small that they cannot breathe through their noses, and they become mouth-breathers who probably have sleep apnea as well. I think that heavy metal poisoning might be involved. Cans are made of tin or aluminum or other metals, and that metal gets into the food. Tin is called a 'metalloestrogen,' a metal that behaves like the estrogen hormone. I think aluminum might be a metalloestrogen, too.
I haven't gotten to this chapter yet, but he's going to talk about the MORAL damage that results from the brain deformities and also, in my opinion, from a Feingold-Diet type of temporary effect that happens immediately if you eat foods full of chemicals, artificial colors, etc, which causes you to become hyper, restless, aggressive, and unable to resist impulses, but only temporarily after eating the food. In the primitive cultures that had healthy, normally shaped faces, the people were also good-natured and happy, and they did not become criminals or sick people with chronic fatigue, depression, and other health problems.
I watched The Matrix again, since I now have my laptop back and it's got a DVD player. Whenever I watch movies I sometimes have with me another person talking in whispers. They point things out that I didn't notice before. I never noticed this one incident that happened with Morpheus. I've been looking around to learn how to recognize the enneagram type Eight. Morpheus is probably an Eight. Part of the description of healthy type Eight is the strength of their love, a feeling of greatness and largeness in the heart, a feeling of protecting themselves and others with their love, and I was calling this the 'great heart' feeling. I don't recall the exact words they used in the enneagram book, but it was something like that.
So there is a scene where they've just gone to see the Oracle for Neo, and they're running away from the agents. They climbed into the wall, and then Cypher starts coughing because a bunch of dust went in his face. So the agents start shooting into the walls.
At that moment, I heard the whisper voice say 'I'm not gonna laugh,' which is one of their frequently used phrases. Sometimes, that means, 'I'm gonna cry.' They called my attention to Morpheus and the noise that he made just before he bashed his head through the wall to attack the agents and defend Neo. He makes this loud howl noise, like 'OAHHHHHHHH!,' and I almost laugh when I think of it, and you could make fun of it, but in reality, it's like he's going to cry, because they're attacking Neo and he loves Neo and he will do anything to protect him. It's this powerful expression of feeling so strong, it's like the feeling itself breaks through the wall as he attacks the agents. I never noticed this before while watching the movie - it was something they called my attention to. It made him seem like a real person in a real situation, like this was something that had actually happened.
I also couldn't help noticing the huge numbers of people with narrow faces instead of broad faces. I wonder how many of them had to get orthodontic braces, like I did, because their teeth were crowded into the wrong positions. This problem is EVERYWHERE, and now that I know how to see it, I can't help seeing it. Neo himself, the hero of the movie, has the narrow face. We tolerate seeing the narrow face deformities better than we tolerate the morbid obesity deformity. Morbid obesity hasn't become normal yet, and we're not seeing it on our movies and televisions, but the narrow face deformity is so common and has been around for so long it's viewed as normal. Morbid obesity didn't exist when Weston Price was studying modern deformities. Obesity is just another deformity that you get through no fault of your own, caused by poisons and malnutrition during pregnancy and infancy, and made worse by drugs that people are using in adulthood, such as psychiatric drugs. Based on what I have read, the worst thing you can do is give babies soy milk formula - this might be what causes severe obesity. I don't know all of the specific causes yet - however, I know enough to be ABSOLUTELY SURE that obesity is NOT YOUR FAULT. It's just another permanent deformity, like thalidomide babies born without arms and legs. It's a horrible deformity caused by poisons and malnutrition in modern culture, which you were exposed to in the womb and in early infancy - something to be angry about, instead of something to feel guilty about. If you are obese, you are the victim of modern culture's ignorance about how to nourish and protect pregnant women so that they get nutrients they need and are protected against poisons.
Mordor goblins and shire hobbits: The Shire is the example of a healthy primitive people with large, round faces. In the movie you see them in a primitive marketplace and somebody's pulling along a pig on a leash - I remember that scene - they don't tell you the exact details of their agricultural economy, but you get the impression that they are using simple, basic foods including both meats and plants. (I am somewhat uncomfortable even using the word 'pig' even if I'm trying to talk about a real pig because I always hear voices calling police officers 'pigs,' and using offensive pig images, when I myself don't use that word.) Then, later in the trilogy, you see lots of Mordor goblins, and they have the unhealthy-looking, ugly, narrow, deformed faces and irregular teeth. However, they eat raw meat. It isn't just a lack of meat in the diet, or a lack of nutrients, that makes the goblins look unhealthy and have violent, antisocial behavior and constant fighting and arguing. I think that maybe the goblins are exposed to chemicals in the Mordor mining operations, like heavy metals and other poisons, which are giving them deformities and antisocial behavior. If I recall, the goblins were more peaceful whenever they lived in the mountains and hadn't yet been brought to work as Mordor slaves. I'd have to read the book again to find out - I could be remembering wrong. I just vaguely remember that the goblins weren't always as bad as they are now.
Moviemakers use stereotypes about how people look. I'm starting to think that there is some truth to these stereotypes, that certain types of 'ugliness' are associated with overall ill health and criminal behavior and violence. I want to be very cautious about saying that - I don't want people to start getting judgmental and going around looking for ugly people and assuming that they're criminals. A fellow sufferer (electronic harassment), AJH at http://tiworld.blogspot.com/
, is always noticing people with the weak chin deformity and other facial deformities, and he strongly dislikes seeing these people. My theory is that the deformities of the face are connected with deformities inside the brain. This is known to be true with fetal alcohol syndrome. Fetal alcohol syndrome creates faces with specific deformities. If the visible deformities are severe, then the brain damage is also severe. If the deformities are mild, then the brain damage is mild. You can tell how badly damaged a fetal alcohol syndrome person is by looking at their face and seeing how many of the deformities they have. I know somebody with FAS and he doesn't look like the picture I saw of a person with severe deformities, so his must be a milder case.
I want to be careful talking about the facial deformities and how they might connect with brain deformities, because I don't want people jumping to conclusions and distrusting everybody just because they have a weak chin or something like that. I don't know the details of which types of facial deformities are associated with which types of brain deformities.
My feeling about this is that it's good news, not bad news. I'm happy to know this. What if we didn't know it? What if it was only heredity? You just have bad luck because your mom and dad had bad DNA, and there's no hope for you or your children at all. Instead, we found out that these deformities are preventable, something we DO have control over. You're not just unlucky, and you don't just have bad DNA. It's something that you can prevent, if you avoid certain poisons, and provide certain nutrients, to pregnant mothers. (I'm still using the concept 'Nourish And Protect' as my mental framework - the protective figure and the nurturing figure.) I don't know enough detail about what kinds of problems can be caused by unhealthy sperm - I know more about the problems that happen if you poison or malnourish a developing embryo. However, Weston Price says that the primitive cultures often gave a special diet to the men, too, if they were planning to become fathers, so they were trying to prevent problems with the sperm as well. Anyway, this is all very good news, not bad news. It means we have control over it.
Weston Price mentioned a transdermal drug incident. An Australian Aborigine was going to wet nurse an orphaned child. This was a grandmother, an older woman, who didn't have breast milk, and she was going to wet nurse this baby. So she collected insects that lived on a particular tree. She crushed the insects into a paste, and rubbed the paste directly onto her breasts. Within a short time, the breasts were producing milk. I don't know which was more important, the insects themselves, or the tree that they came from. I've read about fenugreek and other herbs used to stimulate lactation. I didn't know how long it would take to trigger the lactation. From the anecdote, it sounded like it happened very quickly within only a couple of hours. I am also interested in male lactation, something which has been talked about in anecdotes, but isn't familiar to modern western culture. I think it will probably work the same way.
Sometime last year, I remember an incident where I myself reacted very strongly to a microdose transdermal exposure to fenugreek, when I picked up the bottle off the shelf and held it in my hand and looked at it, without even opening the bottle, and within a few minutes, I felt sexually aroused, and also nauseated and sick in an unpleasant way (the oxytocin hormone, the sexual bonding hormone, makes you feel nauseated and sick - it's called 'lovesick,' I think, or at least that's how I interpret the word 'lovesick') - however, this was dangerous, because the nauseated feeling became very unpleasant, and it transformed into the suicidal feeling. So fenugreek might be dangerous enough to trigger suicide. I recognized the suicide sensation, and I know myself well enough by now, and I recognize drug reactions, so I am able to protect myself whenever something like that happens. I learned the hard way about drugs that cause people to feel suicidal. It's a physical sensation, an unbearable discomfort, and with me, it's connected with nausea and stomach sickness. When I got home, I washed my hands thoroughly. Modern western medicine doesn't know anything at all about transdermal drug absorption or about the strong effects of very small dosages. I want more people to know about this. Suicide and homicide are caused by drugs, and it can even happen with very small dosages. Modern western medicine is ignorant about so many things that are very, very important to know.
I have to do what I came here for: answer some email responses to my ad calling for household help. I wish I could hire everyone who responded. But instead of doing that, I am going to write ads to start a social group where I DON'T pay money to people - they join me because they agree with me. It's an urge to connect with a large group of people and get them all to do something that I need to get done, which fits with the 'So/Sp' theory of my instinctual stacking. I forgot to mention that on the webpage where I've been reading about that, ocean-moonshine.net (you have to google that URL - it has an error), they described the 'motives' of all the other instinctual stackings EXCEPT FOR the socials. They described motives for the sx/sp (to know the heart, reconcile inner conflicts, etc), sx/so (to have an impact), sp/so, sp/sx, but didn't say anything about the motives of the so/sp and so/sx. - Wait... Yes they did, it just wasn't written on a separate line. Okay, it's just written in the same paragraph, I made a mistake. 'To attain status within their chosen sphere - the "social climber."' That makes it sound so shallow.
What I experience is a desire to be treated with respect. If I say something, I want people to listen to me, to believe me, to take me seriously, and to do the things that I tell them to do, because I believe that I have special knowledge that a lot of other people don't have, knowledge that they need and that we all need, for instance about medicine. In the workplace, people don't have to agree with everything, but I just want to feel like my opinions are AT LEAST being listened to and respected, even if they can't change their policies.
(For instance, I want them to stop the practice of ending prices with 9 - it's deceptive and discourteous to the customer - Dollar General Store I found out uses round-number pricing, so I enjoy shopping at Dollar General. They don't price things at $0.99 at Dollar General. It will be exactly $1.00, or exactly $0.50, etc. I know DG is not trying to trick me, confuse me, manipulate me, and make it harder for me to mentally calculate how much I'm spending, and hard to remember how much something cost, since my short-term memory is unreliable and I can't remember how much I spent unless I write it down, so I'll accidentally spend more money than I wanted to because I forgot what the total was, since I had to mentally estimate everything and round it up or down and get myself confused.)
If I get frustrated with my workplace, and I want to start my own business because they refuse to change their policies and do things the way I wish they would (they told us to put the labels on fried chicken facing away from the customer, so that customers have to turn the bags around to see how much it costs, and I think the labels should face forward and be easy to read), it isn't because I want to be a 'social climber,' quote unquote. It's just that I want to have some control over how things are done. My motivation is to get into a position where I am able to control the things that I want to have control over, in the social sphere.
So calling it a 'social climber' just doesn't really describe what I experience, from my point of view. I'm not trying to climb up to the top and say, 'Ha ha, I'm cooler than you are!' I would want to get into a higher social position so that I don't have to constantly battle and argue with people over every trivial little detail of every little policy that I disagree with, and I want to just do it my way and get it over with quickly and efficiently. (I don't have time to write about this, but I'll mention the book Watership Down, where the rabbits decide to leave the old colony partly because they are frustrated with the existing social order.) I don't describe that as 'social climbing.' It's not Esme Squalor from Lemony Snicket's books, going along with every fad and doing things because they're 'in.' And it's not like a psychopathic manipulator who abandons and betrays all their old friends because the old friends aren't 'cool' enough. There are all these really negative stereotypes of a 'social climber.'
Okay, I'm supposed to check my email, I have to do that before I get disconnected.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Is there really more than one person talking to me, or is it a puppet show and a good cop / bad cop routine?
Every once in a while, I get 'clueless newbies,' new voices that don't know me very well and, usually, they do things very badly or try to force me to do things that I am not able to do, or not likely to do. I can't tell whether there REALLY ARE new people talking to me. It usually serves a purpose, trying to test me on something or convince me to do something, so that's why I wonder if it's just another puppet show. 'Good cop / bad cop' is the interrogation routine where one cop is really mean to you, and then afterwards, a really nice cop talks to you and you complain to him about how bad the other guy was, and they get you to trust the nice guy and then he becomes your 'friend' and then you're supposed to tell them more of what they want to know.
I've had 'phenomena' going on all my life, and now that I know that mind control is real, I can look back at my childhood and see incidents that occurred even when I was very young and didn't know I was being attacked. I assume that everybody everywhere is being attacked, not just me. Every dream that we dream at night is a fake dream, and it has been that way for many decades. There are no real dreams now.
However, it was in 2003-2004 that I became aware of it and the attacks were severe. A few people were involved at the time - I've mentioned Judith Swack and I still see her as a suspect. There was also the psychiatrist whose name I can't remember, and there was Dr. Metter. I haven't talked about Dr. Metter. I guess he's still around - I could look at his web page. - Hmm... surprise. Psychologist admits to fraud? Some news article I haven't seen before. And he was 'the guy with the gadgets.' Julian Metter.
Of course, I wouldn't even consider accusing him - if I can't even think thoughts without getting zapped every time I look deeply into anything. You can't see things that are big and obvious because you get physically attacked anytime you try to use your common sense. Some guy who tries to 'help' people and seems like a nice guy. Who knows, it's just a theory. But that's why I never even mentioned that I was seeing a doctor named Metter, temporarily, during that time period, and that he knows about electronic gadgets being used for psychotherapeutic purposes. I would have been brainwashed to not even remember that I was seeing him. I only went there a couple of times, and had to quit because I couldn't afford it. http://gawain.membrane.com/holistic_doctors/modalities.html
I can't officially accuse people of anything, but I can only say that they were around at the time when things were going on. They are 'people of interest.'
He's the guy that tested my hearing and proved that I can hear very high pitches that I'm not supposed to be able to hear. This is a hearing problem with some ADHD kids, and I was just reading about something in my Weston Price book which just came in the mail recently - they said that lack of some vitamin, Vitamin A or Vitamin E or something, causes deformities of the cochlea, during embryonic development. Maybe deformities in the ear affect whether you can hear ultrasonic voices or not, because some people can't hear them.
If I couldn't think of him, if I couldn't recall having gone there, if I couldn't even consider the possibility that he was a 'person of interest' when the worst attacks began, that would seem strange that I couldn't remember. He had all these machines and electronic devices. He was there at the time when it began. Or rather, when the worst of it began - as I said, I can recall occasional incidents from long ago, but not the life-destroying attacks that began a few years ago that have totally prevented me from thinking, meditating, or doing anything at all. But again, some of it started when I first moved to State College, before I ever went to Dr. Metter. I moved here, didn't know anybody, and wasn't yet going to visit psychotherapists who used electronic devices to heal, help, control, read, or whatever, your brain and body.
Another reason I can't accuse people is because electronic attacks are now so common that they're happening to everybody everywhere all of the time, and there are millions of people doing them. It isn't just ONE BIG PERSON who's doing ALL OF IT.
On the way home, I stopped at the laundromat and saw that four (or five, it was hard to tell, I just glanced at it) of the tags had been pulled off my ad, which means people were interested. But I didn't have any messages from anyone on my machine, although last night, I got some kind of call from somebody who I still need to call back today. The home phone and answering machine are the one where I think I have had problems with people not getting through. I suppose I could buy a new answering machine, but I'm wondering whether the problems will still happen no matter what kind of answering machine I have, sort of like the calculator I bought which would malfunction at the same moment that I would hear voices and get a 'rage' attack.
What happens with that phone, from what I've been able to piece together, is that people call it, and hear a message answering them as though they've reached the machine. Then they talk to it and then it cuts off. No message is ever recorded, and I can't hear anything at all if I stand over it while they're talking. I just hear the ringing, then nothing. If I pick up the phone at that moment, nobody is there and I will get a dial tone. I can do *69, which I've tried occasionally, but I seem to remember that it would give me telemarketers and things like that. I verified that something was happening because I called back someone who I knew was trying to reach me, and she said yes, indeed she had heard a message and she had tried to say something and then had gotten disconnected, and wasn't sure if the message was ever recorded. I can't tell if it's only the answering machine, or if it is being tampered with, and I'd have problems no matter what kind of phone or machine I purchased.
"I'm the boss." - Instinctual Types. Some speculation that I might have a strong social instinct and might be a so/sx Four. Or maybe even an so/sp Four. While talking to this guy during the 'interview' today, I was in the 'superior' position, since I was the person offering to pay $25 a week for somebody to help me for a couple of hours. I'm never in a socially superior situation at my job - I'm not the one who decides how we do things around here, I just have to do what they tell me, and if I disagree with them, too bad. It feels good to be the person who decides how we are going to do things around here. People would do what I tell them to do, because I am paying them to do what I tell them to do. I don't have to fight and argue and try to convince people to believe me and go against the entire corporate culture of a big business whenever I don't like the way they do something. This is just me, by myself, asking somebody to help me cook and do my laundry and take out the trash because I'm too sick, miserable, depressed, and exhausted to do it myself on my days off.
So/Sx Fours do well if they have somebody supporting them as they accomplish their goals. They also can resemble Sevens because they're 'putting on a happy face' in a social environment. It might explain why they thought I was a Seven, especially since I get manic when I'm on drugs. So/Sx Four also is said to have a million different interests and projects that they can never complete, and that describes me. Problems with focusing on one project and getting it completely done, all by yourself - I can't do that very well, but I can work much better if other people are around me.
It's still hard to decide what my instinctual stacking is, because I 'have' all three instincts: everybody 'has' all three. Anytime I do something that has to do with self-preservation, I get bombarded by voices trying to convince me that self-preservation is my strongest instinct, but I am unable to look deeply or have insight into the situation, because the bombardment makes my brain shallow and unable to understand anything. The same happens if some situation involves the social instinct or the sexual instinct, and I try to look at it and see how it fits in with the rest of my life and my personality. Anytime I try to understand myself at all, I get hit with fake thoughts that prevent any real insight or understanding. Anyway, you can see the effects of all three instincts because, like I said, everybody 'has' them all, it's just the question of which ones are the strongest, the most well developed, the most relied upon, and which ones are the weakest.
I get manic when I think about what I could do if I hired people to work on projects with me. You can think about things like division and specialization of labor: when a group of people works together, one person can do this, while another person does that, and it all gets done faster and easier.
'Social critic.' That was part of the description of a Four with a strong social instinct. But I'm not looking like Rita Skeeter, the journalist who wants to dig up the dirt and the secrets on everybody. It's more like complaining about the entire culture in general, which might mean I'm a So/Sp. I complain that we're eating bad foods, using too many drugs, paying too many taxes, having too many economic boom and bust cycles, etc.
This is still only a theory. I'm 'trying on' the various instinctual stackings to see which ones seem to fit, and I can't think about it directly - instead, I have to just let 'them' decide when it's the right moment to 'inform' me about which type I am, because I am physically prevented from looking at myself, looking into my own mind.
I've found, through the years, that particular personality types get a bad rap, especially if you don't understand them properly. It happened when I first learned about personality types, in college, when my roommate took some kind of test that said she was an ISTJ, and I was curious about it and decided to go take the test myself. I got weird answers: INTP was my first result. Other times I got INFP, and sometimes INTJ. I took the test again, and again, and again, and I saw that there were four groups of questions in a certain order, and I figured out which letter each question was testing for.
There is a problem with how people interpret the questions about 'possibilities,' which will get you described as an 'N' when you are actually an SP artisan. The test needs to be rewritten. Anyway, from the beginning, when I started reading those books, I got the feeling that it was 'bad' to be a certain type. Some types were 'worse' than other types. So you try to avoid getting classified as that type. In the instinctual stackings, it's 'bad' to be an So/Sp, because those are 'social climbers' and 'politicians.' I don't FEEL like a social climber or politician!
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
I am looking for the word to describe my special skill, the thing that I'm good at. There are a couple of words or concepts referring to this. There are two main things I'm looking up: 1. being able to observe tiny physical sensations in and on the body, and 2. the belief or philosophy that says it's okay to use whatever works, instead of doing a double-blind placebo-controlled test.
I found something which came from googling 'sensation observation.' Vipassana Meditation resembles the thing that I do. I am not observing 'thoughts,' 'feelings,' 'beliefs,' or anything like that. I am observing the tiniest perceptions of my senses, in the skin, and inside my body, anywhere in and on the body.
I don't just observe them on purpose because I want to. I notice these things whether I want to notice them or not. They are disturbing and distracting enough to interfere with other things that I try to do. Everyone is able to do this to some extent, but some people have the 'volume' turned up really high on their physical sensations. It's not only that I'm able to feel things, but that I care about it and think it's important.
I'm also looking for a word that describes this: your sensory data are just as valid, or more valid, than a scientific study. You can use your own observations of your health symptoms and troubleshoot your own illnesses, the old-fashioned way, back before we had laboratories and the government and the FDA. I feel pain; something is wrong; what do I do about it? When you walk, your foot touches the ground and feels your weight pressing down on it. You then control the way you're leaning so that you don't fall over. You can observe every detail of any sensory feeling inside and outside your body, and try to understand what caused it.
I know when I've touched a transdermal drug, because I feel a tickling sensation in my skin, which I have learned to recognize. I know when I've been zapped by whatever-it-is, radio waves or sound waves, because I feel burning, stinging sensations in my skin. Other people might experience these things, but either they don't really notice it, don't really care about it, don't think it's important, or aren't very distracted by it. I am interested in and preoccupied with these things, when other people aren't.
'Psychophysics' is another word similar to what I'm doing. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychophysics
'Psychophysiology' is also relevant.
Here is a good example. Can you describe what it feels like to be 'tired?' What does it mean to be tired? For me, it's a sensation of pain in several different places in my body, usually the shoulders, the upper back, and the upper arms, but that's not all of what it means to be tired. It's also, usually, a burning sensation over large areas of my skin. Fatigue and tiredness are my most important health problems that I've always been trying to fix. So I pay a lot of attention to the exact details of what it feels like to be 'tired.' And I observe what I did to cause the pain.
I was told about the Feingold Diet years ago, because I was one of the LUCKY ones - as a hyperactive child in the 1970s, I was lucky enough to have parents that saw a particular episode of the TV show 'Donahue' or something like that - I forget which show it was - but they talked about the Feingold Diet being used for hyperactive kids, and my parents decided to try it. It worked very well, but we only used it for a few years, and they gradually put me back onto a 'normal' diet. But I grew up hearing about it and was always aware that foods can cause illnesses and psychological problems, bad moods, and behavior problems. So I have always known that you can observe a connection between something you did, something you ate, or whatever, and the symptoms you feel.
That is what I should have been doing, all this time, but instead they made me do useless, time-wasting things, like fantasizing about a conversation I might have with an attractive guy in the future. Every time you try to do something useful, they make you wander off into some fantasy rehearsal to try to get you to talk to some guy or that kind of thing, instead of whatever you were really doing. And it's days and days, or weeks, before you will actually see that person - there's no hurry to plan out what you will say right this very instant.
'Somatic Experiencing' - I quickly glanced at that web page but didn't read much of it yet. It resembles the type of thing that I do.
I still didn't find exactly the phrase I was looking for. 'The value of anecdotal evidence' got some results, but that's not quite it either. I can't believe another hour has passed and I'm going to get kicked off the internet in a couple minutes... so I'll post this.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Small flying objects are one possible explanation for victims who experience attacks that follow them wherever they go when they drive long distances in the car. I usually experience a slight delay - I can go someplace in my car, try to sleep or meditate, and within a couple of minutes, I start experiencing attacks such as banging and snapping noises on my windshield, voices in my head, unbearable tickling in my calf muscles so that I have to wiggle my legs, and other phenomena. But it doesn't always happen immediately - it takes a couple minutes for them to catch up with me.
The drones shown on that web page are cheap devices that anybody can make, for fun, as a hobby. It's something I would have wanted to do myself if I had time for hobbies and building things; however, I wouldn't have been attaching radio frequency weapons or sound weapons to them and attacking people in their homes.
I don't think I'd mind, though, if somebody attached weapons that could blow up other drones. Tracking down drones that are attacking someone, and destroying the drones (if they were found) would make me feel better.
Drones (small ones like on that page) are a good theory, because you don't have to be a government agency, you don't have to have your own satellite, you don't even have to bother hacking into a satellite, you don't have to do anything expensive or complicated. All you need is a little bit of mechanical skill and the desire to ruin somebody's life.
I watched a video where they had a tiny spy camera attached to the drone. It went up above all the houses in the neighborhood. I felt sick watching it, because I know that something like that is what's following me - though I don't know the exact details of what it is. Something similar. Something like that thing is killing me and destroying the time that I have on earth. Again, all you need is malice.
I've had other times when I felt sickened looking at a web page because it reminded me of things being done to me. It wasn't that bad tonight looking at the drones. Sometimes the feeling is intense loathing and hatred: I went to some website called 'hypnobabes' or something like that, some pornographic site with women being hypnotized, and I wasn't able to look at it, because I get hypnotized while dreaming every night.
You can't control what the murderers are doing; but you can start a religious group of REAL humans who will support each other and make life livable. And again, I say 'real humans,' but I have to add that if somebody out there is doing some cheap, low-budget hobby thing like that to attack people, they themselves are probably already being controlled by someone else, because I believe that there is a larger system already in place, and that we are all in it, all the time. They, the low-budget hobby attackers, might be pawns or puppets themselves, getting the blame, while somebody else sits in a safe place far away controlling the strategy and making it look like those pawns are the bad guys. That's what I assume. That's how I interpret things.
Those faraway people have been around a lot longer and they know a lot more than the low-budget attackers know. They're also a lot more evil and more strategic, and they feel less remorse, and they seem less human. They've been around since before any of these new people were born. If you thought you were the king of the world, there's always somebody else out there who is bigger and more evil and richer than you are.
I tested my laptop - it's working. That's a great relief. I haven't tested my other computer yet. I'm guessing that it's okay if the laptop is okay. I looked at my old photos from a few months ago when it was still summertime. I took pictures of the duckpond and also videos. When I watched the videos, I felt like I was playing Myst. I could put together videos into some kind of Myst-like walkthrough game.
Last night when I woke up, there was an incident of voices telling me a very negative interpretation of a person. Then, later on, other voices were going against that interpretation and telling me something which fits more with my official assumptions. My official assumption is this: Everyone on earth today, I assume they are puppets. I assume they are not in control of their own actions, that they were born into a mind control system, and that this system, and its operators, take advantage of their vulnerabilities, but that's not the same as saying that they decided to do some particular thing themselves. People are not free to do things on their own, not at this time in history.
They let me attempt to think of what to write next, for about ten seconds. Then I got zapped. When thinking of what to write, I think of my audience and the purpose I am trying to accomplish. This blog is not a purpose-oriented or goal-oriented blog, which means that it serves the purposes of the murderers. It sends hidden messages, or open and obvious messages, to whoever THEY want to talk to. It is not MY purposes or goals.
Soul-Time: They, and I, had been using this phrase to try to describe what exactly it is that the murderers are destroying. They do not physically kill your body permanently. They also do not permanently destroy your brain - or rather, they usually don't, but they can, and they sometimes do. What they usually destroy is the time that you spend alive, being yourself, being who you are. The amount of time you spend being yourself is drastically reduced, or nonexistent. You spend a few seconds here and there being free, being who you are. It is indeed a permanent murder, because that time cannot be undone, it cannot be redone, it cannot be brought back. They have murdered the hours of your life. However, if they stop zapping you, your soul will immediately reawaken, but time will have been lost, and memories will not have been made, that ought to have been made. You ought to reawaken, and remember decades and decades of being yourself, all the time, but instead, when you reawaken, you remember decades of being a slave, or a zombie, or a puppet, or however you describe it - you remember decades of being something other than yourself, doing things you would not have done.
Why is this different from simply talking to people and being influenced by them? Real people in the real world interact with us and influence us all the time. It's different because with electronic attackers, we can't choose to leave. We are zapped awake over and over again every night, and we get only a couple hours of sleep, because somebody decided that sleep either isn't that important, or it's not profitable for their entertainment scheme, or it would allow you to have too much freedom and your mind would heal itself from the damage that they do to you. In a real relationship, we can choose to walk away, and we don't get zapped awake all night long by someone forcing us to hear them talking about things. We don't get hypnotized in our dreams to do things we don't want to do, in a real relationship. We don't 'rehearse' every word of a future conversation that we are going to have with somebody. (All 'REHEARSALS' are fake: there is NO SUCH THING as rehearsing a conversation in advance, unless you are preparing for a formal speech. If you EVER find yourself 'practicing' what you are going to say to somebody days, or hours, or minutes before you say it, IT IS FAKE. You are being forced to say those words, and they 'test' how you react to the words they are forcing you to say. It means you are being forced to tell lies. Whatever you would have said in the real world, it was something different.) We don't get fake emotions and fake urges and impulses that make us get up and go do something else instead of whatever we were doing. In a real relationship, we don't get puppet words put in our mouth (or our blogs) that will permanently damage our relationships and make people never trust us again.
I am continuing to write the rules of the Order. I'm not just writing more and more rules. Instead, I'm organizing them, categorizing them, deciding what's most important, and rephrasing them and simplifying them, so that it can be expressed as a small, simple rule to follow, instead of a long paragraph of rambling commentary. There are a small number of core rules or basic rules, and then there are a lot of secondary rules that are less central or less important.
The central rule or belief of the Order is about electronic mind control: if you can't get past that particular core belief, then you are not in the Order. That is its main belief, the idea that all of who we are, all of what we experience, is constantly vulnerable to being controlled by external attackers. I don't know if everyone IS being controlled, but I know that they CAN be controlled. It's impossible to pray, or meditate, or psychoanalyze, or look within, or even ask the simple question 'Why?' to anyone on earth today, without getting some kind of lies or fake, distorted answer instead of whatever they themselves would have said.
Everyone everywhere is constantly vulnerable to being controlled, but it might not always happen. Again, I don't know how much everyone else is targeted and controlled. Some people seem to attract more attention from the murderers than other people do, so the people who are being ignored are, probably, being themselves most of the time. Some of the system is computer-controlled, using artificial intelligence, so it doesn't require constant human supervision. That automated system is constantly interacting with everybody, regardless of whether those people are 'targeted' or not. But this is only my theory or observation or opinion. I haven't proven it.
I'm glad I read Diana Leafe Christian's books about intentional communities. I am using a lot of the things that I remember from those books. They talked about how to do the right things to make an intentional community survive. There are lots of groups that fail, or that never really start up. You can't just sit around with a bunch of people talking about what you'd like to do. There has to be a membership process and it has to be formal and serious. You have to actually 'apply' to join the group. And the group has to be able to say 'no' to a lot of people.
In the beginning, when the group is weak, you have to work with like-minded people. Later on, when it's stronger, has more resources and more members, more momentum and more routines, you can allow people to join even if they are less like-minded. So in the beginning, there will be very strict rules about what you have to do to enter the group, but later on it will not have to be so strict.
So that's why I said that rule number 1, 'mind control,' is the one crucial belief that you have to 'get past' in order to join. If you don't agree with those beliefs, you're not in the Order. (I didn't write down all the specific beliefs, but it's stuff like, believing that it really exists and it's happening in the world today, and also, choosing NOT to use those weapons on people without their consent.) That is one of its core reasons for existing. The rest of it is family-oriented and health-oriented, so that we can raise children who are mentally and physically as healthy as we can make them. This is because we are planning for a long future, WITHOUT some kind of apocalypse destroying the world, and so I am thinking of the world my children and descendants will live in. Raising healthy children is the best way that I know to prevent people from becoming criminals and murderers.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
I haven't tested any of them yet. I'm dreading that project. I know it's possible to freeze electronic devices and they will still work, but I don't know the details, and I'm afraid it's not good to freeze and thaw them over and over again.
However, I'm happy I found them. That project is one of the important things I wanted to get done during my vacation, and I did it.
The Order: I said it was vaporware. It's actually paperware. I've written more of the details in a notebook. It's a collection of things that I think are so important, everybody should be doing them - or at least, that's how I was looking at it to help me focus on what should be included in the rules, and what shouldn't.
Because I've been studying the Ichazo's Instincts recently, I noticed that the 'belief clusters' could be grouped by instincts: self-preservation, social, and sexual. My strongest area was self-preservation. I had the largest number of specific beliefs in that area, beliefs about what type of food is good for you and what's healthy for the body. I'm still not sure whether my second strongest instinct is sexual or social - and no matter how much I think about it, I'm still not sure of the answer yet. 'They' keep wanting to insist that it's the sexual instinct, and I'm inclined to agree with that, but I'm not sure.
From the Riso and Hudson enneagram book (which is still in storage somewhere, and I can't look at it) I remember that later in the book, they showed connections between the enneagram and things that other authors had written. Each enneagram type has some kind of relationship with either the protective figure or the nurturing figure. I don't remember the name of the theory this was connected with.
Anyway, I categorized the 'rules' (I can barely write right now because I am being bombarded with some kind of garbage and they're messing up all of my sentences) into six groups, by the three instincts and then by 'positive' or 'negative' for each one - which was similar to 'nurturing' or 'protective.' Let me explain it differently. You can talk about 'good things to do' or 'bad things to avoid / problems to solve'. I was vaguely thinking of 'nurturing' or 'protecting', but also thinking in terms of 'positive' or 'negative' for each one. Was the rule warning someone about a danger or problem that should be avoided, or was it talking about the 'right things to do' or 'healthy things' in that category?
I'm running out of time, but I'll log in again - I have another hour.
Back again... So, I noticed that the needs of different instincts can be in conflict with each other. Depending on which instinct is your strongest one, you choose what to do to serve that instinct (I am still having a lot of trouble writing: this is all a bunch of puppet-words crap and I can't write it in my own words. Every word is a battle and they are blanking me out and just putting words in my mouth.). An example is when the sexual types are seeking 'intense experiences,' they might use recreational drugs, which is in conflict with self-preservation, since it can be dangerous to their health.
The idea was that the religion is supposed to support all three of the instincts, so that they can avoid common dangers and can get what they need. There are big, obvious problems going on in society that are preventable and avoidable - it's possible to prevent children from ever becoming overweight, if you follow a few simple rules during pregnancy and early childhood (DON'T GIVE THEM BABY FORMULA! BREASTFEED THEM! THE END!). And yes, the all caps thing is kind of a joke, because it might not be that simple. Anyway, prevent the big obvious problems going on in the modern world, and make sure people have what they need and feel more fulfilled in life.
There will always be people who don't like the lifestyle of a particular religious community, and decide they want to leave it. If they grew up in a family that followed these rules, they would still be better off, for the rest of their lives, because they were protected during their early childhood, the most vulnerable time when the most permanent damage can be done to a person.
If the computer works and I get it up and running again, it might not be a good thing. It's possible to waste huge amounts of time just passively surfing the internet and reading one random thing after another. I kind of liked it that I had to stay focused on my minimal number of books that I had, and I was studying bookkeeping and doing the Schaum's Outline exercises. Still, I had to get the computer stuff out of storage so that I wouldn't be worried about it freezing (even though it's already too late and they've already frozen many times).
There are unsettled issues and unanswered questions, and I wrote down those topics. Should the order require people to do X? Should it forbid them to do Y? Compliance is a gradual process that takes years. I myself am NOT compliant with many or most of the rules I was writing. It took several decades for me to learn the things I know now, and believe the things I believe now.
So I see compliance as something that you do as a series of achievements, and, while it won't be exactly like this, I'm thinking of the Boy Scouts and their merit badges. You gradually get one merit badge after another. You don't just jump into it and comply perfectly with all of the rules from the very first day. It's a lifestyle change and it takes a long time, and it is greatly helped by having social support - for instance, it's very hard to cook healthy foods every day, so it would be helpful to have a group of people who shared cooking duties, or a store where all of the 'approved' foods were sold, or something like that. I don't want to command people to do something, but then it's impossible for them to actually do it. I want it to be possible and I want it to be easier for them to do it, so it's more likely to actually happen. I want to have realistic expectations. That's why it will be a gradual process of achieving compliance with the various rules over time.
I'll explain more about it later.
Friday, January 8, 2010
My trip to West Virginia is also vaporware right now. I wanted to go, and my mom said it might not be a good time right now for a couple of reasons, and I wanted to do some important things up here that I haven't had time for. Mostly the reason was that I was having problems with fatigue - just another chemical sensitivity thing - and couldn't motivate myself to get up and make a trip.
I had to mention something about hackers: Nowadays 'hackers' are something that I don't hate the way I used to, because I found out there are much worse things to worry about, and also, because not all hackers are the same. (The library closes in only a few minutes - I didn't know it was only open till 6:00 today - so I'm rushing.) Back during the time when I was focused only on problems with hackers, I didn't know that I was also being physically attacked with electronic weapons, and that was what made me feel much angrier than I otherwise would have felt.
Shipwreck: Today I dived in to the storage unit and salvaged a couple of items that have been possibly destroyed by freezing. Freezing them isn't as bad as heating them up and melting them, but still, they would have frozen and thawed many times and might have rusted or rotted from condensed water.
I salvaged my PC tower with the hard drive in it, and a box of cassette tapes, and a big box with computer disks - but not the ones I wanted to find - I found instead the video game boxes when I was actually looking for the small floppy disks and CDs with my own data on it, emails and all that stuff, my files.
I didn't store my stuff in a temperature-controlled storage unit because there were a lot of things I did in haste, since it was an emergency and because I have barely been able to function or think at all. Choosing where to store my stuff was one of the hasty decisions. I was being evicted and I was so sick I could barely even get up and move around and I couldn't even think.
I still need to find the computer monitor - I couldn't see it anywhere. The boxes are stacked up very high and I couldn't get behind them. I was in a hurry because I was cold, and also, the sun was setting, and my feet were wet and my toes were hurting. It was just getting more and more difficult to move things around, and I was getting hit with small amounts of the drug residues and I was starting to go mentally numb, and just stood there staring into space, unable to move.
I think my laptop might be in the other storage closet which is here at my apartment in Bellefonte. I looked in there, but again, I couldn't see behind the stuff piled in front.
The new thing with the enneagram is that for the last day or two, the voices have been telling me that I'm a Three, the achiever type, instead of a Seven. I can't get on MySpace anyway to change whatever is written there, and it's dumb to keep changing it over and over again. I would have known what I was long ago, except for the fact that every time I try to mentally look within, understand myself, and ask questions, the murderers zap me and force me to fall asleep, see visions, have a dream, hear noises, and other things, instead of doing whatever I was trying to do. It's impossible to know yourself when you are physically attacked every time you try to think.
They also were telling me that 'the hackers' were upset because I had written about wanting them to commit suicide. That was a long time ago whenever I believed that 'hackers' were the only stalkers I had, and I didn't know about electronic harassment and I didn't know I was being physically attacked. When somebody or something follows you around everywhere you go, causing you physical pain and suffering, and interfering with everything you do, it seems normal that you would get angry about it and hate them. I would feel angry and enraged, but not know that it was because somebody was physically zapping me to cause me pain and make me angry, and I thought I was only angry because the computers were being messed with, and things like that.
The computer's being salvaged. It will take a few days. I won't have time limits if I get it working at my apartment... I have to log out now.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
I could get pregnant right now, or try to, but I want to remove the poisons that will harm my children - that includes the dental fillings. I don't want my children to be affected by bisphenol-A in the resin fillings. I am still getting the breast pain that only began when I got the new plastic fillings. When everything is ready, I will remove the fillings myself, by hand, and I will allow the teeth to be weakened and eventually cracked and broken, because they will have big holes in them that shouldn't be there, from being drilled. The cavities should have just been left alone, and not drilled into.
The bisphenol-A would affect the embryos as they developed, and I don't know what it would do to them, but if I myself can feel its effects, then my babies certainly will.
(This is all the self-preservation instinct - once again, they've tried to portray me as a sx/so, and things like that, which is probably wrong, because it's what they WANT me to be, because that's exciting and glamorous, and because I'm willing to do unconventional things with my hair. They want me to be some kind of big, charismatic, popular entertainer, able to start a social movement, and that's probably not who I am. My response to them is, if you want to do that, why don't you just do it yourself? I probably really am the quiet, non-charismatic sp/sx, unless I'm on drugs, and the drugs make me controllable, and I do whatever they force me to do, and say what they force me to say, and I become a false persona. So no wonder they think I'm something I'm not.)
This 'religion' thing started after Judith Swack's therapy. I rejected it because of a couple of things. First, she started telling me that I had to go to a psychiatrist and try some kind of drugs - even though her therapy advertises itself as a drug-free method. I no longer believed her after that, especially when she didn't say a single word of warning about psychiatric drugs, about murder-suicides, about the life-ruining side effects and withdrawal effects, or any of that. After I went to the psychiatrist, got Prozac, experienced all the life-ruining side effects, quit using it after only about a week and a half, and then, experienced the life-ruining WITHDRAWAL effects (after only brief use at a low dose, since I was breaking the pills in half and taking only a small portion) - I no longer took seriously a person who recommended that it was time for me to go to a psychiatrist and get some drugs, after advertising her methods as something that worked without drugs.
And THEN I started having the 'Bullshit God' experiences. I'd be lying in bed, and I would be meditating, and I'd have this 'God Feeling.' There would be this sensation of 'Powerful Light' and some other person being there, and it had a fake, cheesy, artificial feeling. Like some low-budget sci-fi movie with people dressed up as God. It was very badly done. The 'Bullshit God' experiences were supposed to be part of Judith Swack's therapy. I was supposed to believe that they were actually real and life-changing, and I was supposed to obey the low-budget actors dressed up as God, and then I was supposed to go give testimonials about how great Judith Swack's therapy was and how it had changed my life. (I received a couple of newsletters from her where other clients were doing those testimonials.)
I can't believe that there really are fools out there who fall for the Bullshit God experiences, and actually think that this really is God talking to them. However, I didn't know about electronic mind control being real, until the hackers started putting links to news articles on my pages, about radio frequency weapons. I started reading about it, and that stopped me from believing anything mystical about those experiences.
How did I find Judith Swack to begin with? It was a series of connections.
My brother John found Objectivism when he was in high school. He saw an ad for an essay contest about Individualism, and he already called himself a nonconformist interested in being himself, and individualism. So he read The Fountainhead and then shared it with other people, including me. He went through a judgmental phase where he kept telling me that I was irrational, but later on, he mellowed out and stopped doing that. I read her other books, including Atlas Shrugged, and then Nathaniel Branden's self-esteem books. (That's making a long story short.)
So, Objectivism was the official belief system, the background for everything else. Anybody associated with objectivism was 'approved of.'
Nathaniel Branden recommended a couple of other people, on his web page. He recommended Roger Callahan's Thought Field Therapy. I bought several of those videos. Later on, I found out that somebody had re-published the stuff for free and called it Emotional Freedom Techniques or Emotional Freedom Therapy (I forget which), EFT. I tried those things and found out that they are helpful, as long as you have realistic expectations about what they can and cannot do. If you are affected by drugs and poisons, they can't make you feel better. They can temporarily soothe you. But if you are relatively 'clean' or 'pure,' or if you are lucky enough to have the kind of metabolism that's able to process large amounts of drugs and poisons quickly and easily, then it will work well for you. I would say that anything similar, such as acupressure, will probably work too.
So after I tried Thought Field Therapy, I also read Judith Swack's web page, and was planning to someday try her therapy, but I didn't do it right away. I began having experiences of looking in the mirror and feeling like I was talking to Nathaniel Branden, asking myself questions and working on my problems. I also did telephone therapy with his wife, Devers Branden, very briefly, but it wasn't that helpful for me: my problems were mainly physical, chronic pain and fatigue, not psychological problems. I found later that metal dental fillings and food sensitivities were my biggest problems. Anyway, some of the talking-to-voices experiences began back then, but I had already had some experiences before that, too. That was in the early 2000s, actually maybe even 1998 or 1999.
I remember when I first moved to State College. I stayed at the townhouse at Cherry Lane, on Atherton Street, next to Blockbuster video. I was at John's apartment, but he was leaving. I think that might be when he moved to Boston - he's lived so many places, I can't remember where he was moving to. I used to play his video games. He had Twisted Metal 2. I never was able to beat Sweet Tooth. I played games addictively - once, I had a session lasting for at least thirteen hours straight, while I failed to beat Sweet Tooth, over and over. (I think I must have been playing other levels, though, during those thirteen hours, because I can't imagine doing just that one small area for that long. I don't remember enough about the game to explain it.)
Anyway, I discovered, after moving into his apartment, that 'all of a sudden' I was able to sit in a chair and meditate peacefully for a long time. I hadn't really understood that this was a problem, until then. I remembered being at my parents' house, in West Virginia, and Dad was hard of hearing, so he always had the television on and the volume was really, really loud all the time. I wanted to be in a quiet place where I could meditate. I thought that was the reason why I couldn't sit quietly and meditate. I remember how I liked the silence at John's apartment.
So that suggests that maybe I was already being attacked back then. Maybe it wasn't the loud television, but instead, the zapping, that made me unable to meditate.
The silence was temporary. I had a dream, which I wrote down, during that phase of my life when I was writing down the dreams I had at night. This was 1997, I think, the first year I came to State College. In the dream, a voice said, 'Socrates left us!' They were sad because my brother John, 'Socrates,' was moving away. He liked getting into philosophical arguments. I used to do that, too - I sometimes argued with people against the existence of God.
Well. That was supposed to be about how I found Judith Swack through the objectivist connection. I was still trying to do drug-free therapies. Back then, I was avoiding caffeine and chocolate, too. I didn't drink soda or coffee. I observed my own symptoms and wrote them down.
(My stomach is growling and my internet session will end soon.)
When I started getting harassed constantly by the computer hackers, as I went from job to job, during the phase when I was working for the temp agency, working in offices, doing data entry and typing on computers all day long, while the hackers did things to get my attention, not just on the computers, but also, telephone calls, prank calls, and turning the lights on and off, and cutting off our internet connection so that we could not send and receive email - during that time, I decided that I was going to change my name, get rid of my social security number, and leave the country, to get away from the hackers. I was researching how to do this. I was finding out the details, finding out that it would be difficult to do. I wanted to work at a job where there would be no way for them to find me. Nobody would have my social security number connecting me to the places where the hackers were watching. I wouldn't have telephone or electrical utilities with my name and numbers on them. I was going to live off the grid.
After the Judith Swack therapy, things got much worse and I learned that it wasn't just computer hackers, it was brain hackers, and that I had been a puppet all that time, being forced to say things, forced to do things, and that most of what I had written to the hackers was coming from somebody putting things into my mind. I was on drugs - I was experimenting with herbal medicine and had started using St. John's Wort, and I was also drinking lots of coffee and Coke while working. Everything I wrote to the hackers was entertaining enough that it encouraged them to keep doing what they were doing. I hated them and I wanted them to kill themselves, but I was also being forced to see them as my friends, the only people who understood me. There were years and years where I didn't know that I was a mind control puppet. Everything changed when I learned about that.
I have agreed that many of my beliefs are a personal religion and that this religion is valuable and it ought to be written down and given to others so that it will continue. Opposing mind control, protecting the true self and the soul against being changed, distorted, and controlled, made into something fake - that being who I am, my true self, is more important than anything I could 'gain' by allowing myself to be controlled - those are all part of the order, those are its purpose. (I don't have enough time now to write it all.)
We will tell our children that electronic mind control is real. We will build shields to protect ourselves against it. We will track down the sources of the attacks to understand who is doing it and how they are doing it. This is what I myself will do, with my own children.
It is an anti-apocalyptic belief system. We DO NOT believe there will be some kind of apocalypse, the end of the world, and we are planning instead for how we will live for thousands more years. That is why it must be an official religion, with the rules written down, so that many people can follow it for a long time into the future.
Unfortunately, I've got to disconnect now...
I can't get onto MySpace anymore, because I'm using the library computers, and MySpace wants me to update the browser before I can even LOOK at the page, and I don't have the authority to update the library's browsers. I can't even CHOOSE between 'view the old MySpace here' and the new page. You're just forced to go to the new browser-challenging page, or nothing at all. This angers me. I like simple HTML web pages that ANY browser can view. You go there for a purpose, and the purpose is NOT to see advertisements written in the latest, heaviest, slowest, bulkiest, most complicated programming languages available.
I only got onto MySpace in the first place because my ex-boyfriend's daughter used it, years ago, and she wanted me to get my own page. So I did it for her. Then, my old classmates from West Virginia started finding me there. But I don't like web pages that have so many graphics and ads, because I usually use a slow dialup connection. I want basic, simple web pages where you go there to DO something, not watch big complicated cartoons and advertisements and movie previews playing.
So I keep hearing voices telling me that my MySpace page has the wrong instinctual stacking listed for my personality type. I think that the last time I updated it, I might have written sp/sx as my type. I'm not even sure that I have the instinctual type there at all, and I can't even VIEW the page with this browser anymore.
Well, so, the last couple days, they started telling me that actually, sp/sx really IS the correct type, and all the other ones that I've been writing about are wrong. It's impossible to know, because there are false personas forcing me to be someone I'm not, all the time. Many of the words that I've written over all these years have been lies that were told by the false personas, and they don't represent the things that I'm interested in, the things that I value, the goals I want to achieve, the things that are important to me.
Something they've been mentioning again in the past few days: (This happened months and months and months ago, but they were reminding me about it.) Martin mocked the 'I'm getting tired of this' letter as though he had RECEIVED that letter FROM ME. Meanwhile, I received that letter from someone claiming to be him, someone who sounded like a nagging old lady. I'd have to read it again, but it was this big warning, supposedly from him, that he was 'getting tired of this' and 'I really will call the police' or something, blah blah blah. Martin was taking photos of things that came from letters he had received from me. Some of them were letters that I actually had sent (yes, I wrote something about a photo of myself giving someone the middle finger), but he did a photo of himself climbing into a pile of spare tires, as though mocking a letter I had sent him. I didn't send that - I RECEIVED that letter from his address. I haven't looked at his page in months and months and months, since I started using the library computers, so right now, I have no idea what's going on.
I'm trying to remember some of the other random things I was going to mention. I was going to say something about the cloak. I wore it while walking down the street in the middle of the night, when the ice sculptures were sitting there still covered up, the night before First Night.
Some drunk people (I assume they were drunk) were on the opposite side of the street. A guy saw me in the dim light, and shouted, 'Frodo!' His friends started laughing. I smiled at them but didn't know what to say. He shouted it again, 'Frodo! Where's Sam?' I said, 'I'm sorry, I'm not Frodo.' But he insisted. 'Where's Sam? You can't abandon Sam! Don't leave him!'
I said, 'I've always been loyal to Sam!' This satisfied him, and he and his friends relaxed, and they said a couple other things, still laughing, and walked away.
So the cloak is recognized as an elven-cloak of Lorien, at least in dim light from across the street. And I'm five foot two, maybe short enough to be a hobbit.
I'm guessing it was a puppet incident and that he was given the idea to call me Frodo, and it probably wasn't his own idea.
I'm pretending to be, not a hobbit, but Arwen the elf. The elves had a problem of not producing enough children, and their race was slowly dying off, even though they had very long lives. Arwen stayed with Aragorn after she had a vision of her future child.
I see myself as a different instinctual type depending on what mood I'm in, and when I'm in the Arwen mood, I see myself as sp/sx. That's what type she looks like, to me. 'Mystic, mate, quiet supporter.'
I know there are more things I was going to say, so I will log in again when this session ends.
(I've had coffee but not food, so this is a 'hunger blog.' This could be long and obsessive.)
The silver hair sparkled in the light when I looked in the mirror. It appeared because the hair was wrapped in a different position than usual. I traced the piece of hair back to where it came from, somewhere near the right ear.
I've never seen any that long before. I've found short ones on my temples, the edge of my face, and they never grow longer than an inch or two before they fall off. I also have a couple of gray eyebrow hairs.
This very long silver hair has been there all this time, and I didn't even know. It is years and years and years long, at least a foot and a half, maybe longer. It brought tears to my eyes when I found it - an unexpected treasure that I didn't know I had, sparkling and beautiful and amazing, secretly growing where I couldn't see it.
Gray hair means 'I survived.' It means I didn't get killed doing something stupid, or having an accident, or committing suicide, or being destroyed by any of the terrible things that have happened to me. It means that either I'm lucky, or I know what to do and what not to do. It means I care about my life.