Saturday, July 30, 2011

I feel safer without a home. I can finally imagine having a baby now.

I feel more safe, not less safe.

This morning I slipped a ziploc bag with my keys in it through the mail slot of the apartment office.

I slept in the apartment last night.  I had asked my landlady exactly which day I had to be out, and she said by Saturday.

Yesterday I did some cleaning.  First I cleaned the sinks, the bathtub, and the toilet.  Then I started cleaning the vinyl floor of the bathroom.  Then I worked on the refrigerator in the kitchen, and also the vinyl kitchen floor.  This is the refrigerator that had the vapors in it from when I cooked bone marrow.  That was in, I think, December 2010.  It was over a year ago.  I could look at my blog to make sure - I wrote about it when it happened.  That date might be wrong, but it was over a year ago.  The vapors spread around inside the fridge and contaminated any food and drinks I put in there, so I could not use it.  Every time I ate or drank anything, I would get vomit urges triggered by the marrow vapors.

Yesterday I was spraying out the fridge with some window cleaner, just because that's what I had.  As I was cleaning it, I started burping forcefully, the kind of burp where it just keeps pushing upwards and outwards, and it doesn't stop.  That's the vomit signal that I kept experiencing when I ate anything in the fridge.  Merely smelling it and cleaning the fridge was enough to make it start happening again.

Then I started feeling extremely exhausted like I was going to pass out.  I laid down in bed for a while.  I felt like I had very low blood pressure.

I got up and use the kitchen sink sprayer hose to spray out the fridge.  I didn't care that the water went all over the floor, but I didn't want it to leak through the ceiling below.  But it needed lots of water.  I wiped it out with a cloth. I did the best I could.  There are limits to what I can do.  I've already done things like aim a fan directly into it, blowing at the highest speed. It didn't help. It might have helped a little, but not completely.

So after I finished spraying out the fridge, I went out to Fisherman's Paradise and took a walk to get some fresh air and feel better.  I went looking for a huge, palm-sized wolf spider that I had seen last time I was there.  I didn't find it again.

It had been out on the rocks next to the creek, the manmade rock area.  I had picked up a stick and gently touched the spider's leg.  It jumped, startled, as apparently it hadn't seen me crouching over it - perhaps it was asleep, or meditating.  I started laughing and I touched it again, and it jumped and ran under a rock.  This sounds sadistic, but I wasn't hurting it.  I was laughing because it scared the living crap out of me.

So after failing to find the spider, I went home, and continued cleaning.  I wiped off the kitchen floor to the best of my ability.  The landlady will get people to professionally clean the carpet.  I am going to just give up and leave the drug residues, since I cannot prove to anyone else that they are there.  The new tenant will have incurable insomnia and will probably go to the doctor to get prescription sleeping pills because of the ephedra on the carpet.  Again, there are limits to what I can do.  I already tried shampooing the carpet many times at the previous apartment.

I said goodbye to a couple neighbors.  I don't like leaving people - it hurts - but today, I hardly care at all.  I wasn't close to any of them, and I was extremely antisocial and I refused to form any bonds.  My bonds are different.  A bond is an extremely serious thing.  I don't bond casually.

I slept in the apartment, on a new piece of cardboard.  I've slept on pieces of cardboard for the past couple years.  This is nothing new to me.  It's unthinkable to anyone who is used to comfortable beds.  I sleep like an animal, on the hard floor.  I enjoy sleeping in soft beds, but when everything you own gets contaminated with ephedra, you don't want to own anything anymore, and you want everything to be disposable so that you can change it frequently.

I was having a dream that the carpet cleaners came in while I was still here, and I hadn't moved my stuff out yet.  I had to hurry and carry all my stuff out and down to the car while the cleaners were walking around the apartment.  When I was forced awake, at 6:00 AM, I realized that I had no idea when the cleaners were scheduled to arrive.  It could have been today, tomorrow, Monday, whenever.  They might really come in while I was still lying in bed.  The landlady had said 'by Saturday.'  So I carried down the last of my stuff and put it in the car.

I had one cup of coffee this morning.  That's my last cup for now.  I'm past the urgent deadline and I no longer need to hurry, so I can afford to slow down again.  That means I will once again be living at a lower level, intellectually and physically.

So I slipped the keys through the mail slot of the office, and then I drove away.

I decided to go to the dam at Howard.  It was still early.  I had things to do, but nothing was open yet, and I wanted to wait until probably around 9:00.  I need to make some phone calls and go to the storage unit.  I haven't shut off my phone service yet, but the landlady will do that eventually.  Still, I will call them to make sure that I'm not being charged for anything anymore.  And I have to give people my PO box address too.

I was driving in my car and I had this feeling of freedom.  It wasn't a manic feeling.  It wasn't the kind of overwhelming intense energy where you want to do a million things and you can't possibly do them all.  Instead, it was a quiet realization that I was free of an unwanted burden.  I no longer have to go home to that inconveniently far away location and drive back and forth to work every day.  I can sleep somewhere close to work and have a short drive.

I won't have to drive a long way to get good food either.  Bellefonte has horrible food!  They have, like, ten different Italian restaurants and pizza restaurants, and that's all:  wheat flour and tomato sauce and nothing else.  I just so happen to dislike bread and pasta, for the most part, and I no longer believe in eating grains, after reading Weston Price's and Ramiel Nagel's books. So I can stay close to a place where good food is easy to find.

I wandered around the lake.  I visited a couple of boat launches that I had never been to before.  I walked down a path into the woods, and for some reason, I was scared that I would be attacked by a bear.  It's important to be prepared for attacks, and I'm not ready for that.  I had seen a news article about hikers in Alaska who got mauled by a bear recently.  Rick said he and Kim got attacked by wild cows.

I walked around quietly and I accepted that feeling of freedom and happiness.  I felt like I had entered a new stage of life.

And I felt, for the first time, that my baby was close to me.  I felt that it was closer than it had ever been before.  I felt safe.  Safety is what I need to feel in order to be ready for a baby.  I felt safety, and I felt it deeply enough that my body really believed it would soon be okay.  I could actually imagine the baby inside me and I could imagine how it would feel to walk around pregnant.

Money is the reason why I couldn't have a baby.  'Having a baby' was this vague, impossible, faraway abstraction, somewhere in another universe, something that could happen to other people but not to me.  I didn't want to marry someone who I didn't get along with, someone I would fight with, and then depend on him for money, depend on him to pay the extremely high rent, depend on him to get a bigger and bigger house because the government forbids you to put more than a certain number of people into a certain square footage of space.  It doesn't matter that you have tons of extra room and you could fit eight people in there.  It's illegal.  So you have to pay enormous rent for a multi-person apartment, or buy a house.  And the children are forbidden to get jobs and earn money.  So they can't help you pay the enormously high rent.

If I can live without a house, I feel safe enough to have a baby.  I don't mind raising a baby without a house.  In fact, it actually feels better to me.  I don't mind the idea of sleeping in my car while pregnant - or sleeping on the ground.  I see myself moving towards life without a car. I need to get the stuff out of the storage unit first, as that will require carrying a lot of things from place to place in the car.

I've been talking to my coworker who built a motorized bicycle.  You don't need a license to drive it.  You don't need government permission.  You don't need papers and registrations.  He has one that runs on two-stroke gas/oil or whatever it is - I don't know much about it - and it gets tons of miles to the gallon.  It's too noisy though, and I don't want to get hearing damage.  So I need to research quiet engines.   This gas engine is more convenient than an electric one that has to be charged frequently.  If you don't have a house, it's hard to plug in your batteries.  You'd have to borrow someone else's electricity.  I have bad knees, and when I ride a bike too much, or even barely at all, my knees are in agony.  I would have to research other types of bikes, like a recumbent bike, anything that would not put stress on my knees.  But I also will look into a motorized bike.

I feel safer as a nomad.  You'd think that I would feel helpless and insecure and unprotected without a house, but for whatever reason, I feel so much better.

So I am lurking around State College today, and I will run some errands, do some work, make some phone calls, clean up the car so it's ready to live in, and do a few other things, whatever.  I need to be ready to go back to work at McDonald's next week.  I wonder if I really will be able to save more money.  I wonder how long it will take.

I'm already used to sleeping and living in uncomfortable situations with few amenities.  So this won't be that different.  I want to explain it to people, to convince them, you don't need a house.  You will feel better without one!  I want to really be sure, though, before I start trying to convince people.  I want to prove, for sure, that I really can live this way, and I really will save a lot of money this way, before I start talking to people about it.  I myself would have wanted encouragement from someone who was already doing it, years ago - I had thought of living in my car many years ago and read about it on the net.  Many people really want to make changes in their lives but they just need guidance and moral support from someone else who is already doing it.

I'll post this for now, as I'm running out of time at the library.  I have some things I need to do.

As I said, I felt that the baby was closer to me than it has ever been before.  I feel that I will soon be ready.  I need to start eating the diet, and I'd like to drill out my fillings.  I need to get rid of the contaminated stuff in the storage unit.  But it actually seems possible now - it actually seems real.  I can believe it.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

I "slept," quote unquote, in my car

I tested sleeping in my car last night. I had a cup of coffee just before bed. I had been thinking that I would need the coffee to stay awake so that I could get the rest of my stuff ready to put in storage or into the car itself to keep there for daily use. But then I decided that I only wanted to sleep, so I set up the car bed in a quick, sloppy way.

I said last night, "My goal tonight is... to sleep." That was the only goal.

I took out some trash bags and a tarp that I had covering the floor of the trunk. They were all contaminated with residues, and I was being careful not to touch them except with the gloves. I also had residues elsewhere in the car and I know I touched them. However, depending on what the residue is, I can sometimes still sleep just a little bit anyway. If it's mostly tobacco instead of ephedra, then there's hope.

I put a ripped-open cardboard box on the floor of the trunk so that I would not be directly touching the residue covered area. Then I very carefully put in a sleeping bag which I had bought many months before. I had gotten it during the winter in case we lost the electricity and I would need something really warm to sleep in.

I wore clothes to bed, which I never do, so I had to find clean clothes that I wouldn't have a reaction to. Then I had to crawl into the sleeping bag without accidentally touching anything. The back seats were in the down position and so I was sleeping with my feet in the trunk area and my head at the top of the back side of the flattened seats.

It was hard and lumpy, but actually, I'm used to sleeping on miserably hard surfaces, because the foam floor mat that I've been sleeping on was actually pretty thin and didn't give a lot of cushioning. So gradually I figured out where the lumps were and how to lie over them and around them.

It was much more comfortable than the time period at my previous apartment when I was sleeping on a futon that was in the "couch" position instead of the "bed" position (I didn't have room there to open it up, and I was too passive, at the time, to rearrange everything) because sleeping on a sideways tilted surface is extremely uncomfortable for me. This trunk was sloping upwards, not sideways. It's hard to explain. So my feet were lower than my head. It actually was not that bad.

I tossed and turned the entire night. I just never fell asleep at all. This was only partly because of the coffee. It was also partly because of touching residues. However, sometime near morning, after the sky started brightening, there was a period of time when I can't remember anything, which means I fell asleep. I woke up a while later and I'm not sure how long I was asleep. It was not very long. It was maybe two hours or less.

This was a test. So I will have to make it more comfortable and also troubleshoot the things I have to touch that have residues on them. I will need to cover some areas up or find ways to get in and out without touching them.

The ice in my icebox lasted about a day and a half. I got it on Tuesday afternoon, and it lasted through that night, then all of Wednesday and overnight last night, and this morning it's a very cold pool of water with a few ice cubes left in it. (In spite of the loud "crack" it made the other day, it's not leaking yet.) It was longer than 24 hours but less than 48 hours. It's still cold and if I had food in there it would still be okay right now. The water stays cold until all the ice is gone. I will probably have a thermometer in there eventually. However, when the icebox gets put in my hot car instead of my slightly less hot apartment where it is now, the ice will melt faster.

The challenge eventually is to learn to eat foods that are kept at room temperature. I'm not just talking about dry crackers though. I'm also thinking of the Weston Price books and websites where they talk about fermenting foods and that kind of thing. The only lacto-fermented food I tried was kimchi, and it made me get the urge to vomit. It tasted good, and it was okay at first, but a few minutes later, as it moved from the stomach into the intestine, that's when it triggered the vomit reflex. For some reason my intestines did not like it, although my stomach was okay with it. So I'm going to assume that, as usual, the Weston Price people are talking about things that I can't do. It needs troubleshooting.

I also haven't found "bath territory" yet. I know which gas stations have the right kind of restrooms, a private single person room with a locking door. But I haven't actually tried doing it to see what it feels like. I'll need a bag with all my clothes and towels in it. Taking a bath from a sink is not as good as a hot shower. The hot shower washes the skin of your entire body. Showering reduces edema, water retention, which I sometimes get mildly. My eyes are less puffy after a shower, but if I only wash my face with a cloth, the eyes are still puffy. I'm not sure how and why the shower reduces my edema. I will probably bathe in a creek for real, too, after I find territory. But I won't do that every day.

It's weird the idea of claiming territory. I won't be owning a home or renting an apartment. So I am squatting on land that other people own. I've read on the net that some places tolerate parked cars overnight, like Wal-Mart. I will find these territories where I am either tolerated or hidden. I'd like to sleep someplace with fresh air from the trees and vegetation and water. My windows will let in the fresh air and it will make me feel good when I wake up. I always feel better waking up with fresh air than I do with moldy indoor air or hot heated dry air without enough negative ions in it, like the air is in the winter. Air without negative ions makes my body hurt all over in the winter. People often think negative ions are the BAD ones, but actually positive ions are bad and negative ions are good. You just have to memorize it.

It's strange, but camping in my car won't be that different from all the other uncomfortable places I've slept the past few years. And I already don't do grooming the way other people do, so I won't even notice if, for instance, I go a day without washing my hair. I already don't use shampoo, just water.

I wonder how most long distance hikers wash their hair? They need shampoo to prevent the formation of dreadlocks. They must use some kind of soap or shampoo that is safe for the environment, as it will be washing into the streams where they bathe. That won't even be a problem for me.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Disposable infrastructure

I'm sitting at Tudek Park writing on my iPod. I just went to the UPS Store and set up my mailbox.

I had been feeling unable to do any more packing, because everything else that I had left would "cut to the bone" if I removed it. For instance, my bed and my little fridge. However, I turned off the fridge and I'm defrosting it, and this morning, I disposed of my disposable bed.

After I contaminated my mattress years ago, I refused to buy any more mattresses. So I have slept on a foam mat on the floor, on top of sheets of cardboard. I threw that all away today - it's gradually gotten contaminated and just plain dirty. I won't have any place to sleep tonight. This is like the leap of faith. I just don't have a bed now.

Also, today I put my netbook in storage so that I would quit fooling around on the net all day instead of packing. I did that first thing this morning as soon as I got up, because it was important to actually start working today. I was using the net more than ever before, because it was a high speed wireless connection. So I was watching YouTube videos and stuff that I've been deprived of all these years because I was on dialup.

I really don't have much left. It was "sacred" infrastructure, like the bed, that made me feel like I had a whole lot of stuff left. So I just jumped in and destroyed the sacred infrastructure.

All of this is going on while the government debates about their debt limit. My own "austerity measures" are beginning. We ordinary people are poor because the government is taking away our money, in taxes, and indirectly by controlling the value of the dollar, and by lending people money at low interest rates. We shouldn't have to be poor.

However, poor or not, I still want the challenge of self-reliance. I just want to do it. I want to be challenged to find new ways to do my routines. I can't wait till the end of next month, when I will have a couple weeks' worth of paychecks in the bank, and none of it will have been spent on rent. I will have to decide exactly what I will do with the money, and when, and in what order.

I'm amused thinking of a blog I wrote several weeks ago where I said that the hardest part about all this was "deciding what I would do with all the money." It was a joke, like I'm going to be hugely rich and I'll need a big vault to put all my money in and I'll hire armed guards, and I'll make sure that the Fast and the Furious people don't yank the entire vault out of the wall and drag it down the highway and violate the laws of physics, as the vault was so heavy it would have yanked their cars in the opposite direction every time they went around a curve. Yes, I watched "Fast 5." And the vault-dragging scene, the climax of the entire movie, was TOTALLY IMPOSSIBLE and it broke about a dozen of Newton's laws.

Anyway, I will be living in my car and saving up money. But not only will I be saving the money I would have spent on rent, I also will avoid contaminating yet another new apartment. The contamination will end. It will stay where it is until I get rid of it completely.

There's nothing I can do. The landlady said that she will have the carpet shampooed by professionals. I didn't try to explain anything about my past experiences with trying to remove ephedra from carpet. I haven't even told her much except that I'm chemical sensitive and "allergic" to some things. It's too complicated to explain, and no one believes me. So I can't tell her that in my opinion, the entire carpet and also the vinyl kitchen and bathroom floors should be totally removed and destroyed and replaced, instead of shampooed.

I want a house with a dirt floor. Dirt is disposable. As a result, it's the "cleanest" type of flooring you can possibly have. If the floor is easily disposable, then contamination never builds up. You just sweep out the old dirt and pour new dirt on top. Dirt is clean. That's my new housing code. The modern culture's idea of the "worst case scenario" in housing is a cottage with a dirt floor. It is the very definition of "bad." I am redefining it as "good."

About male INFJs: I was hearing voices today who said Peter was an EII, not an ESI. They argued that Peter was interested in religion, and he had a sort of universalized point of view, where he looked at all the different religions and noticed things they had in common.

They also suggested that my teen boyfriend Terry was an EII, but an unhealthy, drug-using one who was being abused at home and who also had Tourette's syndrome. We were always fighting, and yet I loved Terry more than anyone I had ever met before and any guy I've been with since then.

My feelings for Peter might have been stronger if he weren't on drugs, because the secondhand drugs made me numb and apathetic and drowsy whenever we touched each other. I'm still not certain if he was an EII. (I'm not really seeing Peter now. We talk rarely. I've been separating from him.) But I am sure enough that he's either an ESI or an EII. I had assumed he was an ESI for sure all this time. It was only today that "they" suggested differently.

There are some benefits to an activator relationship. You have one rational and one irrational. One of them makes decisions quickly and pushes the other one to take action. The other one perceives the situation more fully and adds a deeper understanding before taking action. Both approaches are useful. But you are more relaxed with your dual, as you both make decisions the same way.

I can't wait to meet people. I am so tired of being completely alone.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

What is my ideal imaginary play scenario?; and, Edited something in previous post.

I changed something in the previous post.  I gave a description of an SEE personality type that I thought was inaccurately negative.  'Inaccurately negative' might be an understatement, and maybe I should call it 'total bullshit,' which is more what it was like.  I haven't spent a lot of time guessing people's types.  I haven't made much effort at it.  It takes experience.  You make a lot of mistakes.  I need to meet real world people and try to guess their types, and only then would I get a sense of how to describe them accurately. 

What is my ideal imaginary play scenario?

I've been thinking of imaginary play.  I've been reading and watching Harry Potter all these years because of a need to visit an imaginary world that is different from the normal world in wonderful ways.  I've wondered what kind of story I would want to write, if I could write.  I wrote fantasy stories long ago, but it's impossible for me to write fiction now while being attacked by the voices.  But I could ask myself what do I want, what do I need, from fiction and fantasy.

I don't like to read or write ultra-realistic stories.  I'm thinking of a way that Ayn Rand affected me.  Ayn Rand disapproved of magic and fantasy, disapproved of stories that took place on a faraway planet.  She wanted stories that happened on earth in modern times.  I understood her rationale when she explained it, but also, I myself always loved fantasy stories, and magic, and mystical stories, and other worlds.  So I felt that it was 'bad' to write fantasy stories.  That's not the reason why I stopped writing fiction - I think I just got busy going to college and that kind of thing.  But still it influenced me.

Now that I am coming full circle and questioning the ways that Ayn Rand affected me, I am questioning this.  I've read about imaginary play in children, and most modern psychologists agree that it's good for them, that it's healthy.  I remember playing, when I was a child, and I loved fantasy, and I agreed with the movies, like the Neverending Story, where a theme of the movie is 'don't forget how to use your imagination; imagination is good.' 

What happened to my imaginary play?

I used to play with toys.  I had a wide variety of small toys and action figures.  I sometimes played with 'girl' toys, like My Little Pony, and other times I played with monsters and action figures, usually both in the scenario.  The ponies would go exploring, and they would stumble upon the den full of monsters, who would then chase them home and raid the pony village, or whatever.  There was always a theme of exploring a fascinating new world someplace, something very different from your own world, and meeting some kind of danger or challenge there.  I didn't always just want them to experience peace and quiet and comfort.  I wanted them to learn things and use knowledge.  I remember that in order to defeat the monsters, the ponies would have to use some kind of special magic or knowledge that the monsters didn't have.  This type of play was satisfying to me.

However, over the years, I started to feel like I couldn't think of any more new ideas.  I remember that I continued to play with toys until my early to mid- teens, like 14 or even 15.  I remember that it just wasn't satisfying anymore.  I also realized that it wouldn't help just to buy some new and unfamiliar toys.  After a while, it's just another toy, and you still have to think of something good to do with it.

This was also partly because my next door neighbor, Jeremy, my best friend at the time, moved away, and I was left to play by myself.  I did not have any other friends who I got along with as well as I did with Jeremy.  He and I both enjoyed using our imaginations and doing fantasy play with toys.  My other friends did not.  They liked rough play, outdoor play, and sports, for instance.  They didn't like imagining plotlines and character development and the other things we did with toys.  It really was like writing stories or 'plays.'

Now that I know about socionics, and about psychology in general, I would be interested in the challenge of creating characters who stayed true to their type.  I recall having the problem that all the characters were like me.  It was hard to create any characters that were truly different from myself, or to understand their motivations and make them believable.

But I always loved exploring.  And I loved 'the unthinkable.'  Whatever it was that you couldn't possibly imagine on your own, that was what I loved.  In socionics terms I would say I was valuing Intueor.  I'd like to go to a world where everything was different.

But I imagined doing this, and it seemed like it was not enough.  I still wouldn't feel happy or satisfied with that.  Why not?  Because I suffer from constant physical pain and discomfort, and also, because I am constantly being targeted and attacked.  So in the ideal fantasy scenario, I would have to gather knowledge about special healing methods to cure my illnesses, and also, I would have to defeat the evil and regain my freedom. 

I liked the idea of 'gathering knowledge.'  In some of my old stories, I created scientific 'facts' that applied to the fantasy world.  For instance, there was a type of stone called Ithkahlsa.  This stone responded to the touch of a living creature.  If you touched it, it would suddenly melt into a liquid like mercury.  But the rest of the time, it stayed frozen hard like any other rock.  This actually reminds me of piezoelectric materials, or whatever the word is - piezo something.  There are materials in the real world that change in shape if you put an electric current through them, and that kind of thing.

So that was a scientific 'fact' that I invented about the world of Darcon, my fictional planet.  And it was important for characters to learn these facts and use them for something.  I'm seeing the Profiteor socionic function here. 

I'm trying to imagine what types of challenges I want the characters to experience.  I don't want them to just go around fighting wars all the time, however, I do feel the need to fight against some kind of enemy and regain their freedom, especially freedom from enslavement.  I want to watch them escape from slavery and then go build the amazing and wonderful world that they weren't able to build while they were enslaved.  I like to watch them fulfill their potential.  I like to watch them growing up and changing over time. 

So anyway those are just some of the themes that I want to see or create in fiction.  Exploring, escaping from slavery, building something, using factual knowledge.  I also love themes of pregnancy and childbirth, for instance in the movie The Polar Bear King.  I don't want a movie where all the characters are adults, and it stays that way forever, and you see nothing but adults.  I like to see children in the movies.  I like to watch their successful progress over time.  That is yet another reason why I love the Harry Potter movies. 

I'll come back to this idea once in a while.

"This thing will be broken before the day is through..." CRACK!; I hate prices that end with 9; and, Is Daniel Radcliffe gay? (no)

So I just went out and bought an El Cheapo brand styrofoam cooler, and two bags of ice.  I'm going to try it out.  In the next day or so I'm going to shut off my little fridge and defrost it before I put it into storage. 

I was getting out of the car and setting the cooler and the bags of ice on the ground next to the car, and trying to shut and lock the door.  The wind blew the cooler lid right between the door and the car so that I almost slammed the door shut on it, which would have crumbled the flimsy, fragile styrofoam, and then, I stumbled and almost stepped on it.  "This thing will be broken before the day is through," I mumbled.

So now I've got the two bags of ice inside the El Cheapo cooler, and so it's kind of heavy, and I'm squeezing this thing in my arms and propping it up against my leg while I'm trying to unlock my front door, and I'm squeezing it and I hear this CRACK.  I haven't even gotten it in the front door yet and I've already made a leak in it.  I don't know how bad the leak will be, because right now it doesn't have any water in it.  Maybe it won't leak too badly.  But this 'crack' was, like, less than a minute after I predicted that I would break it.  It was kind of funny. 

Oh well.  That's the whole point.  I'm learning about this.  There's going to be a lot of stuff that I don't know about.  I've never tried living in my car for weeks or months at a time. 

I won't like to pay for large amounts of ice every day.  It's like $1.60 a bag or something - I forget exactly how much it was.  The number ended with '9,' and I *HATE* the practice of ending all our prices with nine - that's a whole separate rant which I will save for some other day.  I've ranted about 'ending with 9' before.  It's called 'Psychological Pricing,' and it only fools a tiny minority of morons.  ("Hey, look!  It's only 99 cents at that other store, but it's $1.00 at the store where I live!  I'm going to burn up some expensive gasoline and drive my car ten miles farther to go to THAT store!")  The rest of us non-morons are merely annoyed and inconvenienced by it. 

I would gladly pay a penny more for the mere service of everything being a round number.  The convenience is worth paying for.  Making things convenient from the customer's point of view is a highly valued form of courtesy.  Okay, I ranted about it.  But I could rant a whole lot more than this.

Anyway, it would cost a lot to fill the cooler with ice every day, so I will have to make some decisions about how I will use it.  Maybe somebody somewhere has 'waste ice' or unwanted ice.  Maybe their refrigerator has an automatic ice maker and they don't mind giving the ice away for free or for a lower price.  I could put up an ad asking people to beat the prices at the stores where I buy ice.  Can you sell me ice cheaper than this?  Oh well, I'm not worried about it right now - I will figure something out later. 

I'm having a very hard time working.  The magic coffee is losing its magic.  I haven't given myself a day of withdrawal.  I knew this would happen.  I've been sitting around doing nothing, and surfing the net, instead of working, because I'm still tired and apathetic even with the coffee.  It only works for a day or two.  However, thanks to the fact that I started packing many weeks ago, my last-minute-crisis will be a much, much smaller and less terrible crisis than it otherwise would have been.  Thank goodness I asked for these two weeks off.  My upcoming last minute crisis is getting smaller and smaller with every object that I pack away. 

On a totally different subject, I saw someone in the16types forum mention that Daniel Radcliffe (Harry Potter) is an IEE.  I didn't know whether that guess was right or not, and so, during one of my random obsessive internet surfing sessions yesterday, I watched some interviews.  He does, in fact, seem like an IEE.  It would explain why I like his style and find the movies to be tolerable enough to watch them over and over again.  I don't have intense passionate feelings towards him.  I just feel comfortable watching the movies.  The overall atmosphere and style of the movies is compatible enough with my personality type that it doesn't annoy me. 

There are lots of other movies that I could not bear to watch over and over again.  For instance, a few weeks ago I watched 'Hoodwinked Too.'  I typed this as probably a Beta quadra movie.  I can't remember it well enough to explain why it annoyed me, but I can only say in a general way that it used too much Fe Emoveo and Se Factor.  (Darn it, it's frustrating to know that nobody else in the universe is using Gulenko's function names except me.  But I'll keep using them until I get sick of it and give up.)  I would not have bought Hoodwinked Too on DVD and watched it twenty or thirty or forty times. 

But I've watched the Harry Potter DVDs so many times I've lost count, and I cannot even give a rough estimate of how many times I've watched them.  I suspect that the order of magnitude is probably in the double digits somewhere, but that's about all I know.  I would occasionally keep the movie running in the background while I was doing other things, like cleaning.  It is a comforting group of people whose behavior I tolerate very well.  They do not rub me the wrong way. 

So while I was watching these interviews, I had a moment of crushing disappointment, and I had to do some more research to fix it. DANIEL RADCLIFFE IS GAY!!! (Keep reading... he's actually straight.)  And I didn't realize how much I cared, until I found this out, and suddenly, I realized just how horribly disappointed I was.

So I was listening to this, trying to understand what they were getting at and why they were talking about it.  At the end he says something like, Lady Gaga is much more flamboyant about it than I would be, and that suits her better than it would suit me.  This seemed to imply that yes, he was gay, he just wasn't going to be flamboyant about it. 

So I played the video again to try to understand exactly what he said and what it meant, and I really started to think that he was saying he was gay, and I had somehow missed this important piece of information in the last couple of years, while everybody else knew, of course.  I was the last person to know, and everybody else was taking this for granted by now, so if I complained about it, I wouldn't get any sympathy, because everybody else had gotten past it and moved on with their lives while I was still clueless.  That's how I was interpreting this.

I looked him up on Wikipedia.  There was a link to 'The Trevor Project.'  Daniel Radcliffe gave a big donation to a charity that provides support for gays and lesbians to help them cope and to help prevent suicides.  The more I looked at it, the more I thought that this was a brilliant way to 'come out' without actually announcing it.  I actually admired him for doing that.  It looked like a tactful, ethical way to support something that was personally important to him, and to tell the world about himself.

I kept on reading and looked at a few more sources.  It turns out that actually, he's given money to a bunch of different charities, and not just that particular one.  He's given some money to children's charities, for instance, but that doesn't mean that he himself was an orphan or a victim of abuse or anything.  So I could no longer use the logic that said he only donated to charities that reflected his own personal experiences.  He donates to a variety of charities even if they are not for problems that he himself has experienced.

I read some more.  In other interviews he has talked about this.  He said that he donated money to them because he grew up in a gay-tolerant family, and one (or both?) of his parents were actors, so they socialized with other actors, many of whom were gay.  So he knew homosexuals ever since he was a young child, and he saw them as human beings. 

But when he went to school he found out about homophobia and he saw other people who hated gays.  He said he always hated that kind of intolerance.  So he gave money to the charity because he views homosexuals as just another minority who are often mistreated, and it's his way of showing compassion and respect and support for them, in the only way he can.  He said he likes the fact that he's actually able to help in a material way.  He said in several different interviews that he actually is straight.

After finding that out, my admiration for him was even stronger than it was originally.  He is actually risking his reputation by allowing people to speculate that he might be gay because he supported this charity, but he's doing it anyway.  It's like a gesture of peace between the gay people and the straight people.

I'm not sure if he's really an IEE.  He seems to be an ethical type, and he suppresses the loud emotional expressions, which makes him a Relatio type instead of an Emoveo type.  He seems extraverted, which would make him SEE or IEE.  He doesn't give off the very dry intellectual style that I see in, for instance, Rick's videos (which I love, by the way).  However, he also doesn't give off the (*edit... I'm taking out this negative and inaccurate description that I wrote here - I started 'hearing voices' afterwards about it, and I don't think that this description was something that I would say, and it's also not something that I want to have sitting on the internet forever while people read it thinking I'm an authority who knows what I'm talking about. (That's already been happening with my post about the Male INFJ, which is one of my most popular posts, and yet, one of the most badly written and inaccurate pieces of crap that I have ever done.) I think the negative description might have been inspired by my relationship with a childhood friend whose type is unknown - I haven't seen her in years.*) vibes that I sometimes (but don't necessarily) get from SEEs.  I don't even want to make that generalization, because it greatly depends on the individual person. 

IEE/SEE is called a 'lookalike' relation.  I would need some way to trigger his intuition or look for it somehow, and see how comfortable he is talking about things that are possible, things that have potential, rather than real physical things.  I haven't read anything he's written, but they say he has written some poetry. 

I've never seen him go off on a spiel about the coolness of special effects or the coolness of blowing stuff up.  Wow, bombs!  Fire!  Guns!  Loud noises!  Money and power! Instead, he has said that he doesn't care about money and power, and he isn't going to be wasting his wealth on expensive cars and prostitutes.  But then again, I haven't heard him go off on any spiels about philosophy or anything intangible, either.  I'm not sure what to look for.  (*I watched some more interviews.  He gets uncomfortable when, for instance, the interviewer or host is getting rowdy and making jokes about sex.  It makes him laugh in kind of an anxious, awkward way.  He is reserved about his body and about sexuality.  There were a lot of other hints that I saw in other interviews, too.  I think IEE is accurate.*)

Anyway, that is how I've entertained myself these last couple days, surfing the net too much.  This activity will change somewhat when I move into my car.  I will be spending a lot of time at places like the library, so it's likely I will still be using the net a lot.  I won't just be sitting in my car all day long on my days off work. 

One thing that worries me is, how will I take naps?  It is always a struggle for me to get enough sleep, and I spend a very large amount of time just lying in bed, awake and miserable, during the day and during the night, wishing I could sleep but not being able to.  It will be hard to do that in a car. 

So I will be sitting in places like the library a lot.  But I probably won't use the net as heavily as I have used it this past week.  I will quit coffee, again, and go into withdrawal, and I will go back down to a lower level of physical and mental functioning, and I will obsess less about everything. 

(On a related topic, I should mention that the cream I put in my coffee is something that I also have a reaction to, and I've had the cream all by itself before, without coffee, and the cream seems to contain a hormone or chemical of some kind that affects me, so that I have sexual arousal and crushes and obsessiveness.  I think it might be rBGH, bovine growth hormone, but I'm not sure.  It doesn't happen at all when I drink Amish milk.  It only happens when I drink the mass-produced cream from a cream dispenser at gas stations and places like that.)

Well, that's it for now.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Probably a 'gust front' rather than the 'hook echo' part of a storm

I'm looking at some pictures of storms online.  That horrible looking horseshoe curved thing was probably a gust front.  It DID actually have mammatus clouds under it, though.  I called a radio station to ask them if they had had any tornado warnings earlier, and they said no, it was only a severe thunderstorm warning.  This is sort of disappointing, but yet, in the big scheme of things, I should be happy that I was probably NOT right underneath a developing tornado.

Skychaser; running from the bad sky to the good sky


I'm writing on my ipod. I went into State College to go get a post office box or at least find out the prices at a couple places. I stopped at a couple places and then I'm not sure what I was going to do after that, because my plans suddenly changed drastically, and whatever I had been about to do, I forgot what it was.

A while earlier, at a previous stop, I had looked up and seen a massive storm approaching. I admired it without any real worry. I've studied meteorology in the past, and so I recognized the structure of a thunderstorm from far away. To many other people, perhaps it only looked like a bunch of big clouds.

Then I got back in the car and drove to the next mailbox place, while listening to people on the radio talking about raising the debt limit, and talking very vaguely about their budget plan. I was more interested in that than the storm.

After I had finished up, I was thinking of going somewhere else. But I started to really notice the storm. It was getting darker and darker blue underneath it, and the storm was almost overhead. The clouds were a lot rougher than I had first thought. They were not ordinary clouds. They were like mammatus clouds, extremely low, clouds exploding downwards.

I looked into the west and saw that the clouds had a weird glowing greenish light inside them, with blue darkness behind them covering the rest of the sky. "Oh my god, that's just WRONG!" I said anxiously.

The leading edge of the storm was now right over top of me. It was a big, thick edge coming down very, very low, much closer than I like. The edge was a long, curving, horseshoe shaped wall of clouds, with mammatus bumps all under it swirling downwards. I was right in the center of the horseshoe, and I suddenly felt that something was very wrong. "I don't wanna be here! I don't wanna be here!" I wailed, while driving down the road and trying to watch the clouds at the same time.

I felt my body flooding with adrenaline, and I felt absolutely sure that something was very, very wrong in the sky above me, something evil. I absolutely did not want to be underneath that curving ridge of clouds. My body was shouting "Go! Go! Go!" My legs tensed up to run, but I was driving. The lumpy clouds were reaching downwards, malicious and greedy, reaching towards me.

My gas tank was nearly empty. The last thing I wanted right now was to pull over and stop my car at a gas station under these clouds, but the very VERY last thing that I wanted, after that, was to run out of gas while trying to escape.

So I postponed my flight away from the area and I put gas in the car, frantically looking all around at the sky, and even though my gas finished pumping, I stood there holding the handle down, not realizing it was done, as I was totally focused on the sky. Then I woke up, and put the gas cap back on and got in the car.

I now had to choose a good direction. The storm had wrapped its horseshoe shape all around me and surrounded me in almost every direction. I wanted to avoid any highways that might temporarily bring me closer to the Bad Place. I wanted to get as far away from the Bad Place as fast as I could.

I decided to move westward, deeper into the storm, into the areas that had smoother flatter clouds that looked more stable. It was very rainy and dark looking there, but the clouds looked good. So I went that way.

I temporarily drove a way that kept me close to the edge, running along it, and I swear I saw a wall cloud. I denied that it was a wall cloud, because I had to temporarily drive straight towards it to get to the highway that would take me to smoother clouds. So I drove straight towards this wall-cloud-like thing for a couple minutes. The mammatus bumps were still swirling and exploding down from the sky.

I got on the highway and was relieved to see that it took me towards the ordinary looking rainy area. I also gradually saw a patch of blue sky, faint and far away behind some falling rain, and i was driving towards it. It was actually a rather small storm after all. It wasn't long before I got away from the Bad Place, and I made a few more decisions about where to go - I didn't go straight home - and I went on to Howard Dam, where I am now. The sky is calm and the evil thing is past.

I would swear that I was right under a developing tornado. People say it makes them feel supernatural terror. That is what I felt. Scientists think that maybe the vortex of air produces infrasound, and infrasound is known for triggering the body to feel terror, in humans and other animals. Before a tornado becomes a vertical snake hanging down, it might possibly be up in the clouds as a horizontal roll, and it only needs the right forces to twist it downwards.

That is the model that I read about, decades ago, when I did a school report about tornadoes. That curving horseshoe could have been a roll of clouds that were gradually spiralling around to form a complete circle around the "eye" of the storm. If they completed their swirl, they might enclose that area so strongly that the horizontal rolls had nowhere else to go except down. The horeshoe was still open-sided while I was under it. Now that I think about it, I recall that meteorologists look for a "hook" shape on the radar. Those clouds were definitely hook shaped. It really was directly above me, this THING that was evil.

When I get home, after walking around the lake for a while, and after swimming, if I feel like it, I will look online to see any news about the storm. The sun is shining now.

I went swimming. It was as warm as bathwater.

(Update: Yes, it's called a Hook Echo, and the clouds were shaped exactly like those photos show, and right in that hook is where the tornado forms! I'm SURE that that's where I was! I will have to do more searching to find out if we had a storm watch here.)

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Four-dimensional Sensus (introverted sensing) allows you to tolerate and accept a wider variety of unusual sensory experiences; this includes a toleration for people's physical appearance; also, guesses about Ayn Rand's and Nathaniel Branden's personality types (INFJ = Branden)

Over the past few days, while I've been drinking a lot of coffee and obsessively reading things on the net for hours and hours, I looked at the socionist blog again.  I found this post:

This post describes something similar to what I've been reading about the 'dimensionality of the functions.'  What are the four dimensions?

1. experience (Ex)

2. norms (Nr)

3. situation (St)

4. time (Tm)

I've been looking for more detail about this.  The Socionist post gave me more information.  This matches my own experience with my being willing to tolerate a wide variety of physical appearances on people.  Sensus is my strongest function, and as such, it is the most accepting or permissive or open to variety.  I happily enjoy seeing a wide variety of ethnic groups, for instance, and I feel that all ethnic groups are beautiful and interesting in their own way.  I also was writing in the previous post about how I enjoy seeing long hair on men, even if that hair is 'imperfect' somehow.

However, someone who has Sensus as their second function is slightly less tolerant and open about what types of sensory information are 'good' and 'okay.'  They still have a relatively strong opinion about which kinds of physical appearances are desirable, but the base function's (Profiteor or Emoveo) opinion is more important.  So they have more limits and restrictions about which kinds of hairstyles (for instance) they think are beautiful and attractive.  Information about aesthetic beauty must fit into narrower categories in order to be acceptable.  People with 3-dimensional Sensus would be more inclined to say 'Long hair might be nice, however, you need to make sure that it is only mid-back length or shoulder length, and you mustn't be bald on top, and you mustn't have any split ends, and you mustn't grow it long if you're over a certain age, etc, etc, because my base function says so.' 

Usually, when this happens, it's coming from an ESE, my supervisor relation.  I see this on web pages where people have posted photos and are getting a huge number of negative comments from people saying 'OH MY GOD! THAT MAN NEEDS TO SHAVE HIS HEAD!' and other very strong negative judgments about people's hairstyles.  They still have an opinion about what looks good and what doesn't, but this opinion is more narrow and restricted and it's less important than 'Whatever is socially acceptable' or 'Whatever is popular and trendy right now,' which comes from their base function of Emoveo. 

The Supervisor relation is one of the most difficult of all socionic relations.  Your supervisor can do almost everything, almost as well as you can, but they can also do the thing that you're weakest at, too.  So, it's like, imagine you're the person with the highest IQ in the world, and you go your whole life thinking that you're the smartest person on earth, but your secret weakness (for instance, in the SLI, like me) is that you're really lousy at expressing emotions and keeping track of other people's emotions as they express them. 

Suddenly one day you meet this person who has an IQ just as high as your own, someone who is almost exactly like you and is able to do most of the things you can do, but they're also able to understand feelings and express them quickly and easily.  (This would hypothetically be a highly intelligent ESE type.) They might have a few minor weaknesses, but it seems unimportant compared to all their strengths.  That person makes you look really bad.  This is an asymmetrical relationship, where one person is able to do almost everything the other person can do, plus a few extra things that the other person can't.  And, as I said, it's one of the worst socionic relationships, and it can cause problems if you live in the same household, if it's your family, if you depend on that person and you have to please them, or if it's your boss in the workplace and they're constantly nagging you to do a better job.

The supervisor relation isn't always that extremely bad.  In the workplace, I've been with people of the ESE type and I got along with them okay.  But that's not the same as trying to live in the same house with them for years and years at a time, while you're still a child and you can't drive a car and you can't leave the house and you don't have any money of your own to buy the things you need.  These would be the stereotypical people who would tell me that I have to cut my hair and I have to shave and I have to obey all the rules that tell us what kind of physical appearance we should have. 

Those are the same people who write comments on websites and answer polls about hairstyles and they always say that a balding man MUST shave his head, he looks AWFUL, and so on and so forth.  Having 3D Sensus as the second function, instead of 4D Sensus as the base function, makes you less accepting of people's physical appearances, and yet you still have a strong opinion about them. 

I think that Supervisors and Supervisees are actually the groups of people in society who I have always complained about the most.  These are the groups of people who I blame for all the problems in the world.  I complain about them even more than I complain about my conflict relation, the EIE, and most sources say the conflict relation is supposedly the worst relation of all.  It's true that I don't live with EIEs and I don't encounter a lot of them, so I don't know how difficult it would be to be with them daily.  But I am very much aware of what it's like to interact with ESEs. 

(I do have a suspected EIE at work, and she and I frequently have small, trivial misunderstandings that lead to hurt feelings and anxiety.  It is very easy to miscommunicate with her.  So yes, this is a difficult relation, but I don't encounter it as often as the supervisors/supervisees.)

And I can clearly see the activities of the LIE in our culture, and I complain about them a lot ('Those drug company executives just don't care that their pills have horribly toxic side effects!').  I complain that my supervisor, the ESE, is responsible for all the ugly hairstyles that I have to put up with, and I complain that the LIE is responsible for the corporate activities that I disapprove of or believe are harmful. 

So even without knowing socionics, I see a pattern over the years, where I was aware that there existed groups of people who were doing things that I didn't like, in society, and it just so happens that they are people who have either the supervisor or the supervisee relations to me.

That wouldn't just apply to me.  It is probably true for everybody, for people of all the socionic types.  If you think about which groups of people in society annoy you the most, which groups of people seem to always be responsible for 'everything that's wrong with the world,' those groups will most likely be your supervisors and supervisees.  So I am not saying that it's 'objectively true' that everything wrong in the world is caused by ESEs and LIEs. 

Ayn Rand had particular groups of people that she complained about the most.  She thought these people were responsible for everything wrong in the world, and she ranted about them sometimes.  I'd like to look back at her books again, in my attempt to decide what type she is.  She hated the whim-worshippers, the witch doctors, and the Attilas (one of her witch doctor/Attila rants was in a video that someone posted in the forum in a thread about Ayn Rand's type). 

Rick changed his opinion about her type several times, and left it at LSI, which is what it says right now.  I'm sure I could get an opinion if I looked at her books again, and also Nathaniel Branden's books.  They are all packed in boxes in storage right now.  I suspect she might not be LSI, because she placed enormous value on things like 'profit' and 'productive work' and 'entrepreneurship,' which sounds more like Profiteor, extraverted logic.  She created Dagny Taggart, the leader of a corporation, someone likely to be LIE or LSE, as the hero of Atlas Shrugged. 

And Nathaniel Branden seems suspiciously like a Delta NF.  He might even be an EII.  His books are all about self-esteem, about your relationship with yourself, about self-improvement, perfecting yourself, improving your consciousness and responsibility.  I read his books for years and years - they were my bibles.  All of my beliefs were based on them.  He is a very reserved man who does not openly express his feelings - he's commented about that in his books, about how uncomfortable he is openly expressing feelings or talking about himself - and yet, he is extremely ethical and concerned with internal feelings and self-evaluation.  I adored him, all these years, and admired him, and I put him at the highest level of all my favorite book authors.

In order for Nathaniel Branden to get along with Ayn Rand and to cooperate with her for as long as they did, he had to have some kind of relatively favorable relation with her - but that relationship broke down when he met Patrecia and fell passionately in love for the first time in his life.  I think Ayn Rand would have to be an NT, Gamma or Delta, instead of an LSI, in order for Nathaniel to get along so well with her for so long. 

She might have been an LSE, except that she always talks about long-term consequences and chains of events.  She talks about abstraction and foresight, and she complains about people who are short-sighted and narrow-minded, people who can only see what's happening in the immediate moment.  She might be ILI.  She describes the Dagny Taggart character as being someone who is 'like a stronger, more outgoing, more aggressive version of myself,' or something like that - those are not quite the words she used.  That could mean Dagny is her mirror, the LIE, and Ayn Rand is an ILI. 

What kind of relation does the ILI have with the EII?  The EII (Branden) is a request recipient, 'inferior' to the ILI (Rand).  The two of them would be attracted to each other's Te/Fi. 

Ayn Rand might have been extraverted.  Nathaniel said that she was able to get into a conversation with any random person they met, for instance, the taxi driver, and argue about something, and be able to win the argument and persuade the taxi driver of the logic of her point of view.  If she was an LIE, she would be Nathaniel's semi-dual, and they would have had a strong attraction to each other, but also a feeling that something was missing (and I know how that is, because I was with my ILE semi-dual for a long time, and I know that we couldn't be everything to each other). 

I'd like to look at her books again and also the books that other people have written about her.  But after thinking about it I'm pretty sure Nathaniel Branden is EII.  I loved him so much, for so long, and felt that his books spoke to me, and it was all about self-improvement and achieving your personal potential.  His writing style had to be compatible with me, or I would not have felt that way for so long.  I still very much agree with his books, except, as I've said several times recently, I decided that 'physical health' was neglected by both Rand and Branden, as they tried to understand what makes people the way they are, and as they make suggestions for what to do about it. 

Some philosophers complained that Ayn Rand didn't actually make a 'philosophy,' and her philosophy wasn't deep enough or technical enough.  She was interested in applying it to the real world, to show the philosophy in action, and didn't want it to be a theory that just floated in empty space.  She was interested in applications.  They complained that her definitions weren't strong enough, that her logical structure wasn't strong enough, and it seems that she might have been better at using Te instead of Ti.  That makes her a Gamma or Delta.  They said that she didn't give her philosophy a very strong basis with strict, formal definitions.  She has some 'axioms' or assumptions.  Some people scoffed that her axioms were too shallow or too informal or something.  'Existence exists' was her main axiom.  This is something you can see for yourself.  She starts off saying that all those people who debated about whether we were living in a dream world and whether existence existed at all were totally wasting everyone's time, and you just had to assume that life is real, and we're really here, and just start from there.

She really valued Fi, introverted ethics, Relatio, in her books.  There were some characters who were portrayed as loyal, devoted, ethical, honest people, in a world of people who had no ethics and no morals and would do anything to anyone.  She also had Howard Roark, the architect, and she described how emotionally unexpressive he was, as though that was a very admirable thing. 

She valued work, work, work, and productivity, and seriousness, and if I recall she complained about artists who can't be bothered with getting a job and working for a living, moochers taking the government's welfare handouts.  This sounds like she was complaining about the (worst-case) behaviors of SEIs and IEIs.  She complained about people who valued 'feelings' too much and said mockingly that your FEELINGS can't make the crops grow on bare soil, and things like that.

Nathaniel Branden wrote about something that puzzled him.  With all her strength and her greatness, he was surprised to learn that she actually wanted a man to be stronger than she was - she wanted to be dominated by a man.  That suggests she was Ni valuing Se.  He found it hard to understand because she seemed like such a strong woman, and she made strong female characters in her books, and he expected her to be like a feminist, someone playing the strong role in the relationship, but instead she wanted a man to overpower her, to be even greater than she was.

And I always must mention the 'she couldn't sew a button on her shirt' comment.  She seemed to have weak sensing.  Nathaniel wrote that she was totally helpless if some small physical thing went wrong, and she was so abstract-minded that she couldn't deal with the real world, and he commented that this was in contrast to her story characters, who were strong, realistic people taking action in the real world all the time. 

I'll just post this for now.  I'm reading a little bit about Ayn Rand on the net, since I can't look at the books right now.

Why should men grow long hair?; also, Terry Nutkins 'balding mullet' or 'skullet'; a long day of obsessing, followed by a tiny bit of work

The coffee is becoming less and less effective at helping me work.  I had two large cups today, and it didn't make me feel like packing all the stuff in the bathroom.  Instead, it made me become obsessive, and I sat there surfing the net all afternoon looking at photographs of people with long hair and balding men.  I searched for all different combinations of search terms.  (However, good news, I did FINALLY do some more packing, and I got most of the bathroom stuff into boxes.  But most of the day was spent surfing the web.)

I looked at a blog: .  Terry Nutkins is another person with the long balding hair that I am advocating.  I think he looks great.  I always must add that I wish men would grow long, full beards and mustaches, and I feel that long hair without a beard, or with a short beard or partial beard, looks unbalanced and incomplete to me, similar to the way that a deliberately cut mullet looks unbalanced.  After saying that I also have to say that it doesn't count if you belong to an ethnic group that isn't able to grow beards.  I only mean, grow them if you can. 

I must explain the 'small but devoted cult following' rationale.  Imagine that you are selling a product.  Only a tiny number of people want this product.  However, they can't get it anywhere else.  Hardly anyone produces it.  The buyers will happily pay a high price to get this special item that is so hard to find.  So, is it worthwhile to sell that item, even though only a small minority of people are demanding it?  Or is it only worthwhile to sell stuff that EVERYONE wants?  Is it ever worthwhile to sell something that a tiny number of people desperately want and are willing to pay a high price for?

I say the answer is yes.  That is the situation for men with long hair.  An unknown number of women either strongly love long hair on men, or else are neutral about it and don't care one way or the other, or else they're only pretending to like short hair because they believe everyone else likes it and so they are obligated to like it too.  Then, there are the rest of the women, who sincerely mean it when they say that they like short hair.  For whatever reason, that's what they like, and they're not changing their minds about it.  But that other minority really likes long hair on men.  Those women exist.

Those women, like myself, cannot find what they want, and are desperate to find it.  Speaking for myself, I know that I will tolerate other 'imperfections,' such as baldness on top, if they grow the rest of their hair long and also grow a long beard and mustache. 

Hair is there to be petted and stroked.  You run your fingers through it and over it.  It is there to sparkle in the sunlight and to show all of its different contrasting colors.  Hair has several different textures and colors depending on where it is.  Some men have multicolored beards and beards with stripes and other interesting things.  Those are not bad, those are good.  Variation is interesting. 

So if you grow long hair, you have an advantage over other men, in a way, even if you are partly bald.  The short-haired men have to compete against a huge number of other short-haired men to attract women who like short-haired men.  They are competing against a majority of people who are all doing exactly the same thing.  As a result, they have to develop some other strength in order to be better than all those millions of other men. 

But if they grow their hair long, then they have something unusual that all those other men don't have.  They no longer have to compete against a million other men exactly like themselves.  When they grow their hair long, they make themselves into a small, highly desirable, desperately sought-after minority.  Suddenly, the men-to-women ratio changes.  A tiny number of long-haired men are now being pursued by a huge number of women who are desperate to find these men and can't get them anywhere else. 

I don't have numbers to prove this, but I am certain that the number of women demanding long-haired men is much higher than the number of men who actually have long hair.  It is a high ratio of women to men in this situation.  That's my opinion. 

However, internet polls might not show this, because the outspoken women who express strong emotions and strong opinions tend to be the same types of women who harshly judge everybody who doesn't conform to the mainstream norms.  They feel confident about loudly expressing their mainstream opinions, while the long hair lovers quietly keep their opinions to themselves and don't bother answering polls or commenting on websites and photos. 

Long hair lovers are frustrated and have often given up hope on getting what they want, as I myself have done, because they have had a lifetime of experience with trying to ask men to grow their hair long, and being ignored or defied by those men.  They know from experience that they cannot get what they want, and so they don't even bother expressing their opinions loudly on web pages and photos.  So internet polls don't show these people.  That is me speaking from personal experience.

Now that I am growing natural dreadlocks and now that I have learned about how dreadlocks work, I have to modify some of my statements.  I always say that long hair is there to be petted and stroked.  However, you can't really pet and stroke dreadlocks the same way you can long loose hair.  You can't run your fingers through them in the same way.  So, are there any advantages to dreadlocks? 

I used to believe that dreadlocks always resulted from somebody doing horrible things to their hair and damaging it.  But now that I am growing them myself, I understand that new, matted hair grows from the roots underneath an existing mat, because the roots cannot change their position and untangle themselves, so they continue to grow in the matted, interlocking position.  That is the reason why a dreadlock continues to grow even though you aren't doing anything to it. 

The natural way to start this process is to completely stop using any shampoo, conditioner, or other products on your hair, and to stop brushing it.  The hair will stick together because of the oils that your scalp produces.  Once the hair starts to stick together in strings, it will naturally start matting underneath the sticky strings, and it will continue to grow that way by itself, without any damage or teasing or crocheting or backcombing or wax or anything else. 

Now that I am learning to understand and appreciate natural locks, I have to wonder what it is like to stroke, touch, and handle someone else's hair when they have locks.  I can only touch my own hair.  Is the hair still interesting and worthwhile to touch and look at, up close?  I don't have experience with intimate relationships with anyone who has dreadlocks, and the types of people who grow them usually have the wrong personality types for me.  I only have experience with touching and petting long hair on men who did not have dreadlocks.

Locks do have one advantage.  They can grow longer than terminal length.  Your hair grows for a certain number of years.  Then each hair individually stops growing, falls out, and is replaced by a new hair growing from the root.  That limits the ultimate length of your hair.  This length varies greatly from person to person.  For me, terminal length was right around hip length.  This is known as 'classic length.'  I can never grow hair any longer than that.

However, when hair is locked into a mat, that mat can continue to get longer and longer.  When the hairs disconnect at the roots, the rest of the hair remains tangled in the mat.  It does not fall off.  A new hair will still grow in at the root.  The very end of the matted lock might contain hairs that are not even connected to the scalp at all.  This allows you to grow a dreadlock longer than your hair's terminal length.

That is what I am in the process of doing right now.  I am going to grow my dreadlocks to a very long length.  It will take many years, but it is a 'new adventure,' an achievement.  I achieved terminal length and could not go any farther.  There was nothing more to achieve.  There was nothing more to watch the progress of.  I like to watch my hair grow.  I like to see it changing over time.  I like to notice it as the hair passes each 'landmark.'  It gives me something to eagerly look forward to as the years go by. 

The length of the locks measures my age, just like the concentric growth rings measure the age of a tree.  There is no way to lie or cheat.  The only way to grow them is to leave them alone for years and years and years.  When you look at them, you are looking at decades and decades of time that has passed.  It is impossible to instantly get long locks in a single day.

That is the satisfaction of growing long hair.  And it requires no effort.  It happens automatically as you do nothing.  'Doing nothing' is the only way to achieve long hair!  It is the spirit of laissez-faire, non-intervention.  It exemplifies your impulse resistance.  If you randomly obey impulses to cut your hair, then you will destroy years and years of progress in a couple of seconds.  Being able to resist impulses, in order to achieve long-term goals, or 'delaying gratification,' is often described as a manifestation of maturity and adulthood.

So even though I do not yet feel completely secure about my dreadlocks, I am continuing with them, and I am growing more attached to them over time.  If I ever change my mind about them, I will comb them out instead of cutting them.  It may take months of patient work to comb them out, but a few months is nothing in comparison to the decade that it took to grow hip-length hair.  (Granted, that decade was longer than it should have taken, because I was still trimming and cutting the ends of my hair for a long time, and it would have taken fewer years to grow if I had stopped trimming it earlier.)

Accepting my ugliness:  I am not the most beautiful person.  I am also not the ugliest person.  However, now that I know about the Weston Price facial deformities, I feel greatly comforted about my ugliness.  I feel a sense of control.  When you feel ugly and unattractive, you also feel a lack of control.  You didn't choose the body you were born with. 

In recent years, I have learned a lot about what causes health problems such as obesity, and I am certain that these things are not your fault - they are almost 100% the result of things that were done to you in the womb and shortly after your birth - and bottle-feeding babies with formula instead of breast milk is the biggest cause of obesity.  (I suspect that some vaccines might also cause obesity, by causing permanent damage to the adipose tissue, and possibly by infecting the adipose tissue with live viruses.)  It permanently damages your body for life.  That is not your fault.  It is also not the result of 'genes.' 

Therefore, a morbidly obese person is capable of giving birth to healthy, slender children.  It's possible that hormones and other problems in that person's body might affect the baby, but this problem will fix itself in a couple of generations, perhaps in the children's children, if everyone breastfeeds and gets proper nutrition and avoids doing any of the other things that I suspect are the causes of obesity.  I want to see these things tested; however, I feel confident that they are true to a large degree, after all the reading and observation that I've done over the years.  One thing that I am absolutely, 100% certain of:  IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

(I must also add that using particular drugs will also cause severe obesity, and that is something that you do during adulthood.  You lose the weight if you stop using the drugs.  When I say that obesity isn't your fault, I'm referring to the type of obesity that happens to people who aren't using any of the drugs that cause obesity.)

And so, people who are ugly or unhealthy or have some problems with their bodies need to feel a sense of control.  You are able to control whether or not you cut your hair.  Even though you can't control how long it grows, and you can't control the baldness, you can still choose to grow whatever hair remains, to whatever length it will achieve, or longer if you allow it to form natural locks.  It is a way of controlling that which you can control.

I am accepting my own ugliness.  That is what I am asking men to do when they go bald.  They have some kind of vulnerability or imperfection in their physical appearance, and I am asking them to just accept it and continue to grow long hair and beards anyway.  I insist that it is still worthwhile.

another caffeine day; imagining myself learning language as a baby learns it; electronic harassment and sleep deprivation; being 'ready' to leave this apartment

I had coffee a little while ago, and as expected, the effects get weaker every time I use it, unless I allow several days of withdrawal and recovery after each use.  But still, it is helping overall, and I will continue to temporarily use it for the next few days until I get out of this apartment.  After I get into my car, I will again stop using coffee, as there will be no more urgent deadlines that have to be met while struggling with bouts of fatigue.  It will be kind of sad to stop using coffee and go back down to a lower level of mental and physical functioning.  However, that is my choice, and I have my reasons, and there are benefits to living at that lower level of functioning, and being drug-free. 

I went a while without putting any comments on the socionist blog.  But I did today.  When I do this, I feel that it is a violation, that I am not supposed to do it, that it is not welcomed or appreciated, but instead that it is repulsive and annoying and very negative, even if the comment itself is neutral or insightful. 

I can do comments now because I'm using my netbook, and its browser doesn't malfunction in that particular way.  My PC for some reason wouldn't post comments properly, so I went for several months attempting to leave comments which would disappear after I wrote them, and I didn't know that was happening, and it was related to my computer being a Windows 98 PC running an old copy of Opera that was hacked and full of malware and other glitches.  For whatever reason, the blogger web pages wouldn't function properly on that computer. 

If my comments hadn't been getting deleted, he might have been able to reply to one once in a while, and I might have been able to calm down and accept the communication, but instead it led to the usual freaking out over how all of my internet communications are being spied on and manipulated. 

However, it is not really true that 'it led to' that happening, because there were several things that caused me to be 'freaking out' over the hacking and communication problems.  I have no way of knowing how I would have behaved if I were not being manipulated and forced to do things, believe things, and feel things that 'they' forced me to. 

The coffee clearly and definitely intensifies my crush on an unattainable person.  That is yet another reason why it is helpful for me not to drink coffee. 

Thinking of Rick, I looked at videos of the Russian Alphabet on YouTube, after I happened to click a link to a random video and then 'suddenly decided' that now was the time for me to listen to Russian alphabet songs.

I have a way of learning language.  I was annoyed by one particular video where the person wrote the English translations of each word next to the Russian word.  It was an alphabet video where they showed each letter and then several words that it was in.  The English translations of each word were irrelevant and distracting, and my eyes automatically attached themselves to the English words while ignoring the Russian words. 

I want to be forced to immerse in the Russian and nothing but that, as though English does not exist.  There is no translation.  I learn language like a baby who has never known any language before.  So, 'translation' annoys me and I want nothing to do with it. 

Instead I would like to memorize songs, which is why I was looking at alphabet songs.  And I want to focus on proper pronunciation before I even understand the meanings of words.  I want my mouth to feel how it is to properly speak each letter, and who cares what it means. 

The baby learns to speak by watching how other people react to what it says.  Do you laugh affectionately, or do you laugh in the painful, anxious way that tells me 'this is wrong?'  If you laugh affectionately, I say the same thing again to see if it makes you smile again.  If you laugh harshly, I avoid saying that thing to you again.  What did I say that got such a negative response?  Socionics would affect all of these interactions, of course. 

Anyway I want nothing to do with the English translations of words.  When I learn a language, English doesn't exist anymore. 

I don't like the artificial, structured methods of learning language.  Instead I want to use glossolalia and baby talk.  I will make a bunch of messy sounds that might actually contain a few real words.  I want to make lots of mistakes.  Most of my baby talk will be meaningless.  I want to do lots and lots of wrong language, instead of doing right language.  Doing everything wrong is the way that I learn best. 

It's sort of like carving a sculpture out of a block.  You start with a block and you carve away all the outside of it to bring out the sculpture inside of the block. 

And you accept and tolerate my baby talk, and you speak it back to me, imitating the sounds I made.  You try to say the same thing I said to you.  But when you say it back to me, it's affected by your accent.  So I repeat it back to you, copying your accent upon it.  My accent shapes itself to match your accent as we repeat nonsense back to each other. 

Then, you get bored, and you change something, which tells me that we're not getting anywhere, or it tells me that I've been doing it right and we don't need to repeat it anymore, and if it's important, we'll do it again later.  So you do something different to make it go somewhere else. 

We are writing a song.  Every conversation is a symphony.  The sounds have no meaning.  They do not 'translate' to anything. 

A baby talk session would also involve 'doing something' together.  We would do some kind of a task.  In the beginning, I only care about finding food.  I have to learn about that before I learn about other things.  How do I ask for food, how do I talk about it, where do I find it?  So I learn to speak by asking for something to eat or drink and then going and getting it and talking about it while we do this. 

Everything that I do while learning a language is analogous to the things a baby does while it learns a language.  Immersion and interaction is better than translation and memorization of a foreign word next to an English word. 

But memorizing songs and other things is good for me, especially if someone can help me pronouce the sounds perfectionistically without the slightest trace of an accent.  Perfectionistically getting rid of the accent is more important to me than knowing what the words mean.  Even if I only know a total of 20 words, it's more important for me to speak them without an accent than it is to know what they mean. 

It's strange to hear a baby speak to you.  I am always shocked and surprised and emotionally moved whenever a very young child speaks out loud or says something to me, even something as simple as 'Hi.'  There's this belief that the baby cannot possibly understand anything or communicate anything, and yet, there it is talking to you like an adult.  It's not just an animal.  Well, it is, but I mean, it's not a 'different' animal, but instead it's the same kind of animal you are.  Dogs can't speak English to us (without a great struggle).  When the baby speaks to you in your language, it means 'I'm a person.' 

So all that was inspired by drinking coffee and temporarily reawakening the Rick obsession.  I know that this is all useless and pointless, and that if I tried to befriend him I would be rejected and badly hurt, because there are strict limits on the relationship, and I would always be trying to get more from him than he was able to give. 

I have a task to do today, the reason why I drank coffee yet again, the reason why I am putting up with these unwanted side effects for now, the reason why I am temporarily more intellectually alert and more lonely and obsessive.  I have to go into the bathroom and look at each and every bag of stuff sitting on the floor and decide whether I need this immediately, or whether I can put it into a box of miscellaneous stuff, and not worry about it for a few weeks, and put it into storage. 

I will have to put more and more stuff into the boxes, and use less and less of it, and then one day I will decide that it's time to get everything completely out of the house, and walk around looking in every corner for lost and forgotten objects, and then I'll get into my car, and I won't 'go home' again, because this won't be my home, this won't be where I sleep and eat. 

It will be very inconvenient for a while, until I set up the procedures for how I do things.  I'm not leaving the area, and I'm not leaving the people and the familiar faces, and I'm not leaving my job, not yet, not until and unless I decide to.  I am only going to be living in a very inconvenient sort of house that doesn't have any utilities.  I'll have to borrow my utilities from everyone else. 

Maybe I'll take baths in the creek.  That's okay because I won't be using any detergent or soap that would go into the stream, I would just rinse off with a washcloth, which is the way I am already doing it - I stopped using soap at the same time that I stopped using shampoo and any other chemicals on my hair, so I already am just scrubbing off with a washcloth and no soap of any kind anywhere on my body.  I still wash my hands with dish soap once in a while if they're dirty, but overall, I don't use any soap.  Anyway, that means taking a bath in the creek without soap is not that strange and not that different from what I already do. 

The baths will be unpleasantly cold.  Being cold all the time will be the biggest difficulty.  Everything is always cold, even in the middle of summer.  Jumping into a creek and taking a bath will still be uncomfortably freezing and shocking, even in the middle of summer. 

About being cold all the time:  I think that being cold all the time is associated with metallic dental fillings.  They affect a particular gland, and if I recall correctly, it's the thyroid.  I haven't been worried about this for a few years, because I had the metallic filling taken out and replaced with a plastic one, and so I have had to worry about the side effects of the plastic ones instead, and they don't make me cold all the time the way the metallic one did.  They just make me stupid and give me breast pain.  The bisphenol-A always gave me an unpleasantly sludgy, dumb feeling in my head, making it hard for me to think. 

I'm going to drill out my own plastic fillings by hand, myself, in the future, unless I can find someone else who is willing and able to remove them for me without replacing them with any new fillings.  I will just have empty holes where the cavities were drilled.  I will eat a special diet to strengthen my teeth and avoid causing pain in the cavities. 

Then I will describe everything that happens, on the internet, so that other people can read about it, because tons of people want to do that same thing.  I want to tell everyone how I was able to get my fillings removed without adding any new fillings, because large numbers of people need to know how to do that, and I agree, I feel that same frustration.  People are always finding my blog through google searches asking how to remove dental fillings and leave the cavities unfilled.  When I do it, I promise, I'll tell you all about it in thorough detail. 

Maybe I am ready to go try to pack things that are in the bathroom.  I'm anxious about trying to do work, because in reality, I am NEVER 'ready' to do it.  Especially now that I'm being electronically harassed.  In the past, it was okay to do everything at the last minute in the midst of a crisis.  That is my natural way.  But 'they' don't allow me to experience any kind of crisis anymore.  But that's a long story and I won't get into it right now. 

They don't allow me to sleep.  If only I slept for real, then when I awoke, I would be 'ready' to do things.  Readiness is the result of sleep.  Without sleep, it is impossible to be ready for anything at all.  I have not slept since the severe attacks began in 2003, so it's been about 8 years since I slept.  I have 'fake sleep,' where the murderers push a button on a machine and force me to artificially fall asleep at the exact moment when they command me to, and while I am asleep, they force me to dream fake dreams and think fake thoughts, which they completely control, and then, a short time later, they push a button that forces me to snap awake at exactly the moment when they want to wake me up. 

As a result, my body and my mind are incapable of doing any of the things that they need to do while sleeping.  Every electronic harassment victim experiences this same thing, from what I have read.  It is pretty much THE DEFINITION of what it means to be a targeted individual, an electronic harassment victim.  Total sleep control and total sleep deprivation are the very center of the torture process.  It is pretty much this one thing, this only thing, that totally destroys and ruins all of your life. 

But I am going to pack some more belongings up.  And I will be living in my car.  And after this urgent deadline has passed, it is very likely that 'we' will be talking about new projects and goals.  And I hope that one of those goals, soon, will be to talk to other people in the world about electronic harassment, and to build an effective shield that will block it, and alternatively to find existing geographic and physical locations where the attacks are less severe, and to detect the attacks with equipment, and find the direction that it comes from, and understand who the attackers are, and collect enough evidence to prove it, and eventually, to force them to stop attacking, because 'asking them nicely' doesn't seem to be working.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Recovering from yesterday's excess caffeine; did a little more packing

Well, the coffee-induced mania yesterday caused me to write that extremely long blog, and then I went to forum and wrote several fluff posts there out of restlessness and boredom and loneliness, and I even used the chatbox for the first time, because my netbook's browser is able to use javascript or java or whatever it is.  I'm not used to that, as I went a long time using my Windows 98 PC running an old version of Opera, and I couldn't see a lot of things on web pages.

I had another cup of coffee today, but only one.  Coffee only works really well the first time I use it after having gone a while without it.  If I use it every day, it only helps a little bit, and that is what it did today, it helped a little bit.  The floor of my bedroom is now mostly cleaned off, and I have a couple boxes of miscellaneous objects and papers that I will not sort out, but will simply leave till later to be sorted.  Everything in the bedroom now is stuff that I'm still using.

The bathroom is still filled with miscellaneous plastic bags with clothing and washcloths and other things in them, and I have to decide what I will do with all that.  Some of it must be kept out, and used until the day I leave, and then, I will have to put it into some kind of box in the car so that I can continue using it after I move into the car. 

I haven't planned yet what objects I will need in the car with me.  That's one reason why I've been so impatient to get everything packed early instead of at the last minute, because 'the last minute' is the time when I will be moving into the car and I will have to do tasks and errands related to that.  For instance I will need to cover certain areas with cardboard to block off the drug residues so that I can sleep in there.  This is going to be a major nuisance project, and I can't just do it instantly.  When you have chronic fatigue, every small task becomes huge.  The coffee only helps a little bit, and in reality, I'm still getting only a little bit of work done each day.  I got 'more than nothing' done, which is good, and I didn't feel incapacitated with total exhaustion and pain.

Coffee seems to intensify some of my sexual/emotional loneliness.  It might be the coffee or it might be the other drug residues that I've been handling in the past few days, but for whatever reason, I have that feeling again of being attached to Rick, the current 'crush' who, as always, is inaccessible and unavailable and is not a real-world relationship, just a fantasy.  These crushes are temporary, I know.  In the future, not too long from now, it will be a crush on some other random person.

But I became picky after reading Rick's writing, because I am impressed with how much he knows and how much his beliefs agree with mine, up to a point, and even in the areas where we disagree, we still see things very similarly.  I'm 'picky' in that now, nobody else seems as intelligent as he is, nobody else seems to be a good writer, and there is nothing on earth that I find as attractive as someone who is a writer.  In the couple of emails that he actually answered, he wrote long letters that were several paragraphs long, and I've had so many experiences with people who can barely force themselves to squeeze out one single coherent sentence of monosyllabic words, so I greatly appreciate his writing. 

I think about looking for other people nearby who have interests in common with me.  There is some kind of a mental barrier against doing that, and I am not sure what that barrier is, and it's hard to explain.  It's actually something I wanted to talk about with Rick before 'they' forced me to start harassing him every time I had a drug residue exposure.  I wanted to try to explain it or describe it, this barrier that prevents me from bonding with any local people except superficially. 

I also wanted to ask him some 'How could you?' sorts of questions.  There are things that I cannot bring myself to do, but other people do them, and I've read all the books, in the past, that urged me to value my own needs and to not place other people's needs above my own.  But I have this idea that I have to live in this area or nearby so that I can be close to my parents, for one thing.  My question to Rick is 'How can you leave your parents as they are getting older, and never go visit them, and not take care of them, and completely disconnect from them and never see them again?'  He doesn't 'never' see his family, but it would be not very often.  If he has other brothers and sisters, he might be thinking that they would help their parents.  I know he has other relatives because his facebook page used to be public and there were other people with the same last name.  He did, actually, make the facebook page private when I requested for him to do it. 

So yes, the coffee triggered some of the feelings of loneliness again, the obsessive feeling.  Before now, I was coping with the loneliness by going out and seeing movies.  I reached a point where I was going to the movie theatre every day for several days in a row.  I watched 'Harry Potter' three or four times, I think four.  I also watched various movies at the dollar theatre.  But that requires spending money (although the dollar theatre isn't too bad), and gasoline, and I am trying to avoid spending money or filling the gas tank too often during these two weeks off work, as I won't have any income when the money in the bank runs out, until the week after I get back to work.  If I absolutely had to, I could get money by doing things I don't like to do, such as getting checks from my parents.  Anyway, I've been using the internet at home as a substitute for going to the movie theatre, and that prevents me from using gasoline and money, so in that respect, having the internet at home temporarily is helping me.

About being 'picky' about which guys I like, and Rick:  I actually admire Rick.  I admire his lifestyle and everything that I've read about him.  It is hard for me to imagine that I would admire other people I would meet.  I am recalling what happened when I put up an advertisement for ENFP men and I started emailing several people at once, a few months ago.  None of them seemed to be really intelligent or admirable, although they were capable of writing letters and communicating with me.  The one guy who I talked to on the phone actually seemed, forgive me, downright stupid in some ways.  I found him annoying for various reasons and I won't go into it all right now, as I've already complained before.  Just because someone is a dual doesn't mean that they're perfect for you, and again, that's something I already know quite well. 

I could look for people who are interested in things like permaculture or anything having to do with self-reliance and survival.  However, that circle of people does not necessarily overlap with the circle of people who will be able to talk about mind control with me.  The people interested in mind control often have a new age religious belief about Ascension, something which is supposed to happen to the entire planet, so that we can become part of the galactic community and interact with aliens.  I have a different opinion about this and I am not going to try to argue through the entire thing with them.  But those are the people who are receptive to me if I tell them that I hear voices in my head.  They believe in paranormal, psychic phenomena.  That is the group of people who I can find easily, everywhere, but they are not who I want to talk to.  I want to talk to people who say, electronic weapons are manmade, and people are using them on innocent people, and this is a human rights violation, and it doesn't need to have any connection at all with 'aliens' or anything.

One of the many questions I have about Rick is, how did he decide to reject belief systems based on faith?  The 'based on faith' rule came up when we were talking about Peak Oil.  He said that he didn't see any elements of faith in it.  That tells me that he has a mental 'rule' that says he should reject belief systems that are based on faith.  I think I've also read this somewhere in one of his socionist blogs.  How did he decide to make that rule?  This is something associated with having Lex as your vulnerable function.  (It's frustrating that I want to use those words, but nobody else is using them, so I feel this anxiety every time I use those words, because I feel that readers (whoever they are) will say 'What the hell is "Lex?" while they are more likely to recognize the phrase 'introverted logic.')  People with Lex as the vulnerable function will have some simplified way of handling logical belief systems, so they might have one or two basic rules that they use to protect themselves against taking in harmful belief systems - that seems to be what Rick has done. 

And actually, he might be stronger about protecting himself than I am.  Before reading Ayn Rand, I didn't have any criteria for which belief systems to accept.  After I read her books, all my beliefs had to be 'approved' by Ayn Rand, in the beginning, years ago, and anything that followed from or was associated with Ayn Rand and the libertarians was okay.  Since then, I have gradually picked up other belief systems and values that have no connection whatsoever to Ayn Rand, beliefs that she didn't cover, weaknesses that she had - for instance, she knew nothing about how physical health, drugs, nutrition, etc could affect a person's psychology and behavior.  (One of these days, I might try to prove that she is an LIE personality type, with Sensus as her vulnerable function.  But I'm not certain that's her type, it was just a theory I had.  If I were typing her, I'd want to look at her books again, and watch a lot of videos.  I disagree that she's LSI, because Nathaniel Branden described her as having weaknesses in sensing.  She could not sew a button on her shirt if it fell off, and she never learned to drive a car and had no interest in doing so, and he described her as being shockingly indifferent about driving.  I'm sure there were some other examples of weakness in sensing.) She thought that all of psychology was merely 'mental,' and as such, you could 'control' all of who you are by merely 'changing your beliefs.'  But in reality you are also strongly affected by things like physical illnesses that make it hard to live daily life - I know all about this - and I am not being hindered by 'negative beliefs' or anything, but instead, by sheer physical pain and exhaustion from an illness.  Troubleshooting the illness is far more useful than changing my beliefs. 

So, Ayn Rand knew nothing about that, and in the past few years, I have wandered away from Ayn Rand and focused on those things that I think are very important, things that she never talked about, things that she didn't care about or wasn't interested in, and if I had the chance to ask her, if she were still alive, what she thinks of my assertion that physical health affects your behavior much more strongly than mere 'beliefs,' she would probably disagree with me. 

Merely reading Rick's websites has changed my beliefs and opinions about a lot of things.  Even though I'm still fighting it, I've come to accept my 'environmentalism' feelings.  Julian Simon is associated with the legacy of Ayn Rand, in me.  I've said for many years that I don't agree with particular parts of his book, for instance, he underestimates just how horribly toxic pesticides are, and I know from direct personal experience that they are horrible.  But I still agree with parts of his book.  And after reading Rick's pages I am starting to feel like it's 'okay' to be an 'environmentalist,' as in, to place a high value on protecting the environment.  This must be an implied belief of his, because he doesn't actually explicitly harangue all the time about environmentalism, he just mentions it now and then among other things.

How much longer will I be attached to faraway people who I cannot meet?  How much longer will I be forced to have crushes on people who do not reciprocate my feelings?  This is not a naturally occurring situation, but rather something that results from being a mind control slave.  I am not doing this out of my own stupidity or neurosis.  I am doing it because 'they' forcibly prevent me from meeting real people and bonding with them.  How much longer will I be forcibly prevented from bonding?  Will I be able to meet people after I get finished with moving into my car?  Will I be able to think about it then?  Will I be able to put time and energy into that project?  Will I be 'allowed' to define a truthful, sustainable goal to achieve?  What I mean is, when I am being controlled, the murderers force me to do stupid things, to try unsustainable goals and projects that inevitably cannot work and are not natural to me as a person.  They force me to do things that I don't want to do and cannot do.  As a result, every project fails.  Looking for people to bond with is a 'project.'  I have to define which people I am looking for and plan which methods I will use to meet them.  The murderers always give me some fake 'plan' for how I will do it, and they give me a fake 'goal' that requires me to do something I don't naturally believe in or desire to do.  They even write the ads for me, by putting words in my mouth while I'm struggling to express the truth in the ad - they forcibly prevent me from speaking the truth to the public.  If I were writing the ads myself, they would be emotionally moving and powerful in a particular way that I am able to speak.  If I could speak the truth, I would speak to that deepness, that spirit inside people, and it would make them want to do something.  But instead, my words are replaced with stupid, boring, lifeless, moronic words that bore people instead of inspiring them and exciting them.  I cannot speak to the desired audience, I cannot speak their magic words, I cannot unlock them, I cannot sing the melody that they are waiting to hear.  That melody is destroyed and silenced by mind control.  I want the world to know that the things I'm saying are real and important.  When the puppeteers write the ads for me, they speak to the Beta Quadra, because they don't have any clue about Delta Quadra values.  When they do attempt to speak to the Deltas, they are unable to see, understand, and appreciate the spirit of Deltas and they write something boring and dry and dull, the negative Delta stereotype.  I recall several times when I was using the dating website that 'they' forcibly wrote the ad for me, and it was sort of a 'call to action' designed to be exactly the type of thing that Betas like to hear.  'Let's all get together and CHANGE THE WORLD!' kind of thing.  It wasn't written by me. 

I just want to tell the truth.  I want to speak from within my true self.  I want to call out to people and have them hear the real me.  And Rick, they forced me to chase him away, to annoy him so much that he would never want to hear another word I would say, ever, but instead would see me as a crazy and incoherent, disorganized, manic, annoying person who was constantly attacking him and saying things that he didn't like.  So I can't even have a long-distance email relationship, a writer-to-writer relationship, one writer to another, one thinker to another, with him. 

Everything that I am FORCED to do is destined to go wrong.  I know they will be forcing me to try to meet people who they approve of. 

I haven't seen any other mind control victims who have the same personality type that I have.  I do recall one guy who was sort of mellow, from years and years ago - he can only be found, now, in the internet archive, as his web pages are no longer up.  Somewhere on my other computer I have his name and a link to his page, and I can find it again, but it doesn't matter.  The point was that I could actually tolerate reading that particular person's web page, somewhat, although I still don't think he had the same personality type that I have.  All of the victims and the people talking about it are utterly intolerable for me to read.  Sometimes I find someone who I respect who writes in a way that I like, but often those people are 'inaccessible' - they are in some kind of official organization and they do not have a 'contact me' address or anything where ordinary people can directly talk to them.  Instead they are sometimes activists in an organization that is supposedly helping people or getting new laws written or trying to protect human rights or whatever.  I don't recall the example I'm thinking of.  Basically, anyone who knows about energy weapons and writes about them in an authoritative, respectable way is someone inaccessible that I cannot easily talk to directly, and they already have their own goals and priorities about it.  I want to find an IEE who knows about it and doesn't believe that it's 'psychic' or 'aliens.' 

How did Rick separate himself from Christianity?  His blog says that, long ago, he used to try reading quotes from the Bible to use as guidance for his personal problems.  You know how it is, they tell you some parable that you should look up that's relevant to your personal problem, and then you're supposed to go home and pray and meditate about this, and get some advice from God about what you're supposed to do.  He said that those methods weren't helping him.  He somehow became aware that Christianity 'wasn't working' for him, and he somehow became aware that it was 'a faith-based belief system,' and he somehow separated from it, and then he even started 'living for himself,' doing the things that make him happy, instead of putting everyone else's needs above his own.  I want to know the story of how he discovered all of those things. 

I think I'll go look at his blog, briefly.  I'll just post this for now but I might even come back and write some more.