Well, the coffee-induced mania yesterday caused me to write that extremely long blog, and then I went to the16types.info forum and wrote several fluff posts there out of restlessness and boredom and loneliness, and I even used the chatbox for the first time, because my netbook's browser is able to use javascript or java or whatever it is. I'm not used to that, as I went a long time using my Windows 98 PC running an old version of Opera, and I couldn't see a lot of things on web pages.
I had another cup of coffee today, but only one. Coffee only works really well the first time I use it after having gone a while without it. If I use it every day, it only helps a little bit, and that is what it did today, it helped a little bit. The floor of my bedroom is now mostly cleaned off, and I have a couple boxes of miscellaneous objects and papers that I will not sort out, but will simply leave till later to be sorted. Everything in the bedroom now is stuff that I'm still using.
The bathroom is still filled with miscellaneous plastic bags with clothing and washcloths and other things in them, and I have to decide what I will do with all that. Some of it must be kept out, and used until the day I leave, and then, I will have to put it into some kind of box in the car so that I can continue using it after I move into the car.
I haven't planned yet what objects I will need in the car with me. That's one reason why I've been so impatient to get everything packed early instead of at the last minute, because 'the last minute' is the time when I will be moving into the car and I will have to do tasks and errands related to that. For instance I will need to cover certain areas with cardboard to block off the drug residues so that I can sleep in there. This is going to be a major nuisance project, and I can't just do it instantly. When you have chronic fatigue, every small task becomes huge. The coffee only helps a little bit, and in reality, I'm still getting only a little bit of work done each day. I got 'more than nothing' done, which is good, and I didn't feel incapacitated with total exhaustion and pain.
Coffee seems to intensify some of my sexual/emotional loneliness. It might be the coffee or it might be the other drug residues that I've been handling in the past few days, but for whatever reason, I have that feeling again of being attached to Rick, the current 'crush' who, as always, is inaccessible and unavailable and is not a real-world relationship, just a fantasy. These crushes are temporary, I know. In the future, not too long from now, it will be a crush on some other random person.
But I became picky after reading Rick's writing, because I am impressed with how much he knows and how much his beliefs agree with mine, up to a point, and even in the areas where we disagree, we still see things very similarly. I'm 'picky' in that now, nobody else seems as intelligent as he is, nobody else seems to be a good writer, and there is nothing on earth that I find as attractive as someone who is a writer. In the couple of emails that he actually answered, he wrote long letters that were several paragraphs long, and I've had so many experiences with people who can barely force themselves to squeeze out one single coherent sentence of monosyllabic words, so I greatly appreciate his writing.
I think about looking for other people nearby who have interests in common with me. There is some kind of a mental barrier against doing that, and I am not sure what that barrier is, and it's hard to explain. It's actually something I wanted to talk about with Rick before 'they' forced me to start harassing him every time I had a drug residue exposure. I wanted to try to explain it or describe it, this barrier that prevents me from bonding with any local people except superficially.
I also wanted to ask him some 'How could you?' sorts of questions. There are things that I cannot bring myself to do, but other people do them, and I've read all the books, in the past, that urged me to value my own needs and to not place other people's needs above my own. But I have this idea that I have to live in this area or nearby so that I can be close to my parents, for one thing. My question to Rick is 'How can you leave your parents as they are getting older, and never go visit them, and not take care of them, and completely disconnect from them and never see them again?' He doesn't 'never' see his family, but it would be not very often. If he has other brothers and sisters, he might be thinking that they would help their parents. I know he has other relatives because his facebook page used to be public and there were other people with the same last name. He did, actually, make the facebook page private when I requested for him to do it.
So yes, the coffee triggered some of the feelings of loneliness again, the obsessive feeling. Before now, I was coping with the loneliness by going out and seeing movies. I reached a point where I was going to the movie theatre every day for several days in a row. I watched 'Harry Potter' three or four times, I think four. I also watched various movies at the dollar theatre. But that requires spending money (although the dollar theatre isn't too bad), and gasoline, and I am trying to avoid spending money or filling the gas tank too often during these two weeks off work, as I won't have any income when the money in the bank runs out, until the week after I get back to work. If I absolutely had to, I could get money by doing things I don't like to do, such as getting checks from my parents. Anyway, I've been using the internet at home as a substitute for going to the movie theatre, and that prevents me from using gasoline and money, so in that respect, having the internet at home temporarily is helping me.
About being 'picky' about which guys I like, and Rick: I actually admire Rick. I admire his lifestyle and everything that I've read about him. It is hard for me to imagine that I would admire other people I would meet. I am recalling what happened when I put up an advertisement for ENFP men and I started emailing several people at once, a few months ago. None of them seemed to be really intelligent or admirable, although they were capable of writing letters and communicating with me. The one guy who I talked to on the phone actually seemed, forgive me, downright stupid in some ways. I found him annoying for various reasons and I won't go into it all right now, as I've already complained before. Just because someone is a dual doesn't mean that they're perfect for you, and again, that's something I already know quite well.
I could look for people who are interested in things like permaculture or anything having to do with self-reliance and survival. However, that circle of people does not necessarily overlap with the circle of people who will be able to talk about mind control with me. The people interested in mind control often have a new age religious belief about Ascension, something which is supposed to happen to the entire planet, so that we can become part of the galactic community and interact with aliens. I have a different opinion about this and I am not going to try to argue through the entire thing with them. But those are the people who are receptive to me if I tell them that I hear voices in my head. They believe in paranormal, psychic phenomena. That is the group of people who I can find easily, everywhere, but they are not who I want to talk to. I want to talk to people who say, electronic weapons are manmade, and people are using them on innocent people, and this is a human rights violation, and it doesn't need to have any connection at all with 'aliens' or anything.
One of the many questions I have about Rick is, how did he decide to reject belief systems based on faith? The 'based on faith' rule came up when we were talking about Peak Oil. He said that he didn't see any elements of faith in it. That tells me that he has a mental 'rule' that says he should reject belief systems that are based on faith. I think I've also read this somewhere in one of his socionist blogs. How did he decide to make that rule? This is something associated with having Lex as your vulnerable function. (It's frustrating that I want to use those words, but nobody else is using them, so I feel this anxiety every time I use those words, because I feel that readers (whoever they are) will say 'What the hell is "Lex?" while they are more likely to recognize the phrase 'introverted logic.') People with Lex as the vulnerable function will have some simplified way of handling logical belief systems, so they might have one or two basic rules that they use to protect themselves against taking in harmful belief systems - that seems to be what Rick has done.
And actually, he might be stronger about protecting himself than I am. Before reading Ayn Rand, I didn't have any criteria for which belief systems to accept. After I read her books, all my beliefs had to be 'approved' by Ayn Rand, in the beginning, years ago, and anything that followed from or was associated with Ayn Rand and the libertarians was okay. Since then, I have gradually picked up other belief systems and values that have no connection whatsoever to Ayn Rand, beliefs that she didn't cover, weaknesses that she had - for instance, she knew nothing about how physical health, drugs, nutrition, etc could affect a person's psychology and behavior. (One of these days, I might try to prove that she is an LIE personality type, with Sensus as her vulnerable function. But I'm not certain that's her type, it was just a theory I had. If I were typing her, I'd want to look at her books again, and watch a lot of videos. I disagree that she's LSI, because Nathaniel Branden described her as having weaknesses in sensing. She could not sew a button on her shirt if it fell off, and she never learned to drive a car and had no interest in doing so, and he described her as being shockingly indifferent about driving. I'm sure there were some other examples of weakness in sensing.) She thought that all of psychology was merely 'mental,' and as such, you could 'control' all of who you are by merely 'changing your beliefs.' But in reality you are also strongly affected by things like physical illnesses that make it hard to live daily life - I know all about this - and I am not being hindered by 'negative beliefs' or anything, but instead, by sheer physical pain and exhaustion from an illness. Troubleshooting the illness is far more useful than changing my beliefs.
So, Ayn Rand knew nothing about that, and in the past few years, I have wandered away from Ayn Rand and focused on those things that I think are very important, things that she never talked about, things that she didn't care about or wasn't interested in, and if I had the chance to ask her, if she were still alive, what she thinks of my assertion that physical health affects your behavior much more strongly than mere 'beliefs,' she would probably disagree with me.
Merely reading Rick's websites has changed my beliefs and opinions about a lot of things. Even though I'm still fighting it, I've come to accept my 'environmentalism' feelings. Julian Simon is associated with the legacy of Ayn Rand, in me. I've said for many years that I don't agree with particular parts of his book, for instance, he underestimates just how horribly toxic pesticides are, and I know from direct personal experience that they are horrible. But I still agree with parts of his book. And after reading Rick's pages I am starting to feel like it's 'okay' to be an 'environmentalist,' as in, to place a high value on protecting the environment. This must be an implied belief of his, because he doesn't actually explicitly harangue all the time about environmentalism, he just mentions it now and then among other things.
How much longer will I be attached to faraway people who I cannot meet? How much longer will I be forced to have crushes on people who do not reciprocate my feelings? This is not a naturally occurring situation, but rather something that results from being a mind control slave. I am not doing this out of my own stupidity or neurosis. I am doing it because 'they' forcibly prevent me from meeting real people and bonding with them. How much longer will I be forcibly prevented from bonding? Will I be able to meet people after I get finished with moving into my car? Will I be able to think about it then? Will I be able to put time and energy into that project? Will I be 'allowed' to define a truthful, sustainable goal to achieve? What I mean is, when I am being controlled, the murderers force me to do stupid things, to try unsustainable goals and projects that inevitably cannot work and are not natural to me as a person. They force me to do things that I don't want to do and cannot do. As a result, every project fails. Looking for people to bond with is a 'project.' I have to define which people I am looking for and plan which methods I will use to meet them. The murderers always give me some fake 'plan' for how I will do it, and they give me a fake 'goal' that requires me to do something I don't naturally believe in or desire to do. They even write the ads for me, by putting words in my mouth while I'm struggling to express the truth in the ad - they forcibly prevent me from speaking the truth to the public. If I were writing the ads myself, they would be emotionally moving and powerful in a particular way that I am able to speak. If I could speak the truth, I would speak to that deepness, that spirit inside people, and it would make them want to do something. But instead, my words are replaced with stupid, boring, lifeless, moronic words that bore people instead of inspiring them and exciting them. I cannot speak to the desired audience, I cannot speak their magic words, I cannot unlock them, I cannot sing the melody that they are waiting to hear. That melody is destroyed and silenced by mind control. I want the world to know that the things I'm saying are real and important. When the puppeteers write the ads for me, they speak to the Beta Quadra, because they don't have any clue about Delta Quadra values. When they do attempt to speak to the Deltas, they are unable to see, understand, and appreciate the spirit of Deltas and they write something boring and dry and dull, the negative Delta stereotype. I recall several times when I was using the dating website that 'they' forcibly wrote the ad for me, and it was sort of a 'call to action' designed to be exactly the type of thing that Betas like to hear. 'Let's all get together and CHANGE THE WORLD!' kind of thing. It wasn't written by me.
I just want to tell the truth. I want to speak from within my true self. I want to call out to people and have them hear the real me. And Rick, they forced me to chase him away, to annoy him so much that he would never want to hear another word I would say, ever, but instead would see me as a crazy and incoherent, disorganized, manic, annoying person who was constantly attacking him and saying things that he didn't like. So I can't even have a long-distance email relationship, a writer-to-writer relationship, one writer to another, one thinker to another, with him.
Everything that I am FORCED to do is destined to go wrong. I know they will be forcing me to try to meet people who they approve of.
I haven't seen any other mind control victims who have the same personality type that I have. I do recall one guy who was sort of mellow, from years and years ago - he can only be found, now, in the internet archive, as his web pages are no longer up. Somewhere on my other computer I have his name and a link to his page, and I can find it again, but it doesn't matter. The point was that I could actually tolerate reading that particular person's web page, somewhat, although I still don't think he had the same personality type that I have. All of the victims and the people talking about it are utterly intolerable for me to read. Sometimes I find someone who I respect who writes in a way that I like, but often those people are 'inaccessible' - they are in some kind of official organization and they do not have a 'contact me' address or anything where ordinary people can directly talk to them. Instead they are sometimes activists in an organization that is supposedly helping people or getting new laws written or trying to protect human rights or whatever. I don't recall the example I'm thinking of. Basically, anyone who knows about energy weapons and writes about them in an authoritative, respectable way is someone inaccessible that I cannot easily talk to directly, and they already have their own goals and priorities about it. I want to find an IEE who knows about it and doesn't believe that it's 'psychic' or 'aliens.'
How did Rick separate himself from Christianity? His blog says that, long ago, he used to try reading quotes from the Bible to use as guidance for his personal problems. You know how it is, they tell you some parable that you should look up that's relevant to your personal problem, and then you're supposed to go home and pray and meditate about this, and get some advice from God about what you're supposed to do. He said that those methods weren't helping him. He somehow became aware that Christianity 'wasn't working' for him, and he somehow became aware that it was 'a faith-based belief system,' and he somehow separated from it, and then he even started 'living for himself,' doing the things that make him happy, instead of putting everyone else's needs above his own. I want to know the story of how he discovered all of those things.
I think I'll go look at his blog, briefly. I'll just post this for now but I might even come back and write some more.
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