About intuition in socionics; hearing voices and having a drug residue reaction

This post will be incoherent if you don't know socionics terminology. The post is also disorganized and messy even if the person reading it does know socionics terminology.

I think I'm finally starting to understand the two types of intuition in socionics. I've been having frequent drug residue reactions for the past few weeks, mostly because I've been getting into the storage closet and moving things. So my mind has been behaving strangely, and I've been talking with the voices.

I haven't blogged about them in a while because I've been much happier, as it's now summertime, and I feel better overall and I'm going outdoors. However, I do still get attacked every day, I just don't get in a rage about it, and haven't felt the need to complain in blogs. Plus, I'm disconnected from the net, so I can't blog as often. That was one of the main reasons why I disconnected! Too many blogs, blogs that are too long, blogs that go on for hours about nothing, multiple blogs per day, and so on. The other reason I disconnected was to prevent myself from being able to impulsively try to contact Rick over and over again. I am still capable of emailing him and I can reach him if I try, but I am using self-restraint right now, and I have not had any drug-induced manic attacks that made me vulnerable to being controlled.

People cannot help doing what they do if they are being controlled and are also on drugs, or reacting to drug residues. It is simply not their fault and not who they are - they do not have free will. I know this is controversial, but the proof will come later if I can eventually work on the mind control projects. I need to build shields, get detectors that will show me where the attacks are coming from, and finally, stop the attackers, but I am postponing that part of the project because a shield is the first priority. I am focused on the part that I have control over. I would also like to reverse engineer the weapons, but again, that is low priority to me.

So about socionics and intuition. I've been talking with "them" in my head and they are demonstrating the use of intuition. I used to use it years ago before I was being attacked. I sometimes use Ni and sometimes Ne.

Ni is when you focus on one particular scenario and you think about the things leading up to it, the things it depends on, and also the things that follow from it, the consequences. For instance, I am asking a lot of questions such as "When will I look for a husband?"

I've been forced many times by the attackers to do unsustainable projects. Those projects always fail after a couple weeks. It happens when I'm on drug residues and I'm suggestible. They always have something to do with "starting a group" or "meeting large numbers of people," often through ads or dating websites. But my precious time is so valuable that I can't bear to waste a second of it with people who disgust me or bore me. So after a couple of emails I always go back into hiding. But they always force me to do another project again, hoping that maybe by chance I'll get lucky this time. But the projects flop, always.

So I need to know what prior conditions "looking for a husband" depends upon. What circumstances, what scenarios, what conditons lead to that? That is Ni, introverted intuition.

There are several things I need to do first. I have been refusing to make friends because I don't want them coming into my house or my car and getting contaminated. I also don't want to argue with them as I struggle to prove and demonstrate that the drug residues actually exist. I COULD do some demonstrations, but I don't want to. I could purchase a new pack of ephedra seeds and I could touch someone's skin with the seeds until they felt the sensations I felt when I touched ephedra seeds. I could touch the seeds against their clothing and belongings until they too, like me, became unable to fall asleep, stuck with permanent severe insomnia that would have lasted for months, except that I knew what was causing it and I got new clothes and covered up the areas on the floor that had gotten the residue on them. I could demonstrate that the molecules spread from place to place with every touch, so that it destroys a huge number of your belongings, and it cannot be washed off, and even a couple molecules will cause insomnia. But I won't ruin someone else's life like that, just to prove that I'm right.

Mom and Dad took home my futon from the other apartment, even though I tried to tell them not to, when they were helping me move out. Shortly afterwards, Dad told me that he had gone to the doctor and gotten pills for high blood pressure, for the first time in his life, because his blood pressure had been extremely high and wouldn't go down. That is what my drug residues do to you. There are several drugs mixed in the residue. High blood pressure is the main symptom. The house in West Virginia is contaminated now. I won't fight with him to tell him that he must get rid of every belonging, every object, that has residues on it, and get rid of the carpets too. I will wait until after they die (may that be a long time away in the future yet) and after they die I will get rid of the stuff, and sell a lot of things. But I am concerned about taking my children to visit them. They have Paxil (for Mom), high blood pressure drugs for Dad, and residues from going in my apaprtment and helping me and taking home my futon. I went crazy for several weeks after visiting them last time, because of Paxil residues on my clothes. I suddenly started doing unsustainable "self-improvement" activities for a few weeks until I got rid of the clothes that were covered in Paxil, and suddenly the "self-improvement" projects vanished.

Anyway, I cannot let friends get into my house or car and I don't want to fight about it either. So before I can find a husband, I must feel safe about the residues. If I'm no longer worried about those, then I can let men into my house and car. They will have to be drug-free men.

I was using Ni a lot more than just that. That was only one example. I was adding a lot more detail to this timeline of when I would be able to do things, what depends on what, what follows from what, what phase it is, and so on. It wouldn't be as thorough as it would be if a strong intuitive was doing it, but I am doing this for myself and it won't be perfect. I must do it to alleviate anxiety and reassure myself about the future. I can't see where I'm going or how long it will take, but I really, really need to hurry, because I am going on 37 and I will no longer be able to have children. So that is why I must predict the future and figure out when things can happen and what they depend on. I don't want to do impulsive, unsustainable projects during moments when I'm reacting to drugs and being forced by the puppeteers (or the Adjustment Bureau, like in the movie) to try some idea that I know won't work.

But I was also playing with Ne. I know about that from Edward de Bono's "green hat." The black hat contains some elements of Ni, talking about why something won't work. But Ne is green hat, although it contains some blue hat as well (the big picture).

I was thinking of how I don't like growing grains as a food crop, and I don't like factory farms. I also don't like growing grains in a field and then transporting it to a barn where the cows stand in their stalls all day. The cows should directly eat the grass, and they shouldn't be fed grain except when it happens to be on the grass they're eating. Ideally they should be allowed to wander, but we don't have wildlife corridors yet. Corridors are contiguous, connected, continuous areas of wilderness without any roads or houses on them, and the animals can travel long distances through the corridors. We would let the buffalo graze on the Great Plains again, without fences. If they were plentiful, we would hunt them.

So I was using Ne when I pictured a field of grain, and remembered that I wanted it to be covered in trees. Trees create fresh air. This isn't just an abstraction. You can smell it, but only if you go under the trees, under the canopy. The group of trees must be dense enough to contain their fresh air underneath them; otherwise it flows away and you can't smell it. In the woods, you smell the humid, clean, fresh air, with its vapors of plants and wet soil and decaying leaves and pine needles. I wanted the farmer's field to become like that.

So I imagined the trees were in the field along with the grain. It was a field of trees and a field of agricultural crops. Then, after generating that concept, I used some Ni to draw out the prerequisites needed for this to work in reality. The crops would have to grow in dim light, so we would find shade-loving crops. It wouldn't be grasses. So then I needed to feed non-grass plants to a domesticated animal. Goats eat a wide variety of plants. I learned a long time ago that it's really true when they say "Goats eat anything." I went to a petting zoo when I was a child, and the goat grabbed my paper name tag, which was stuck to my shirt with a metal pin, and swallowed the entire name tag, pin and all. So goats eat anything. So the goats would eat these shade-loving plants under the trees, and we would drink goats' milk instead of cows' milk.

Of course, I'm not worried about food, because we're going to eat insects. But insects get boring after a while, so I will want some other foods.

With Ne, you generate several different ideas for a situation, or you look at several fields of knowledge and see their connections. I used to get manic in college when I was studying several courses at once and saw all the connections between them and also the books I was reading about "information theory," "game theory," "fractals," "chaos theory," and other things that were popular at the time. I haven't been able to do that in a long time because I can't learn anything when all I do is work at a slave job every day. I must greatly reduce my work hours. I need to simultaneously have a lot of free time, and also a large income or a large amount of saved money. Rick wrote that he had income from his websites, but I don't know if he only means advertising revenue or what. I need a passive income like that. I also need a job that earns a much higher hourly wage, and so I will continue on the project of going to work as a bookkeeper, but that is postponed until after I move out. All my energy goes to moving out. That has a deadline, and it's coming soon. These are the things I was planning.

It is so, so wrong, this country we live in, where they force you to own a home or rent one, and you are not allowed to be homeless or nomadic.

The entire concept of land ownership as such is questioned. The other day I was reading about a "land trust" or something, which was mentioned on the website about Julian Woods Community, an intentional community nearby. I found my mind shutting down and blanking out while I struggled to read this web page about the land trust.

Suddenly I saw a key pattern that I recognized. The web author said "People haven't done this very often, except in a few very successful cases," and I felt offended by that bias. I recognized that they were obviously and blatantly biased towards proving that their own point of view was right, and I recognized that exact sort of bias from a different web page elsewhere that was written by a SLE personality type. On the SLE page that I recalled, the person had a category about atheism, and the "definition" of an atheist was "someone who denies the existence of God." That definition was biased in the same way that the comment about "a few very successful cases" or whatever was biased. I suddenly knew I was reading a SLE website and that was why my brain was shutting down with boredom as I struggled to force myself to read things that were written in my ignore function and my demonstrative function. It was all about territory ownership and who controls the land and what rules they follow to pay for its use and so on. I understand socionics well enough now to explain the reason why my brain felt bored and unable to read, in spite of the fact that I believed the information was important and I wanted to know it.

I realized that the reason why I've had difficulty reading about intentional communities is because they are somehow "so close, yet so far" from being what I want. I recognize the ST/NF personalities involved in intentional communities as being similar to my own ST/NF needs, but it turns out that most of them are in the Beta quadra, not the Delta quadra. That is why I feel that somehow they are not right for me, even though they are so close to what I want.

It bothers me to use a "hodgepodge" of different naming systems to talk about socionic functions. I sometimes say ST, NF, SF, and NT to talk about the general types that I can easily see. Those are similar to Keirsey's four temperaments, except he divides them differently, as NT, NF, SP, and SJ. Apparently he felt that the strength of the difference between the NJ and NP types was less strong than the difference between the NT and NF grouping, but not so with the sensors.

In socionics, however, an ENFP has a lot in common with an ENTP, and the ENFP is very different in many ways from the ENFJ - or at least, in terms of particular functions being in a particular position, and in terms of intertype relations. So that is like saying that the NP and NJ groups exist and are sometimes useful, just as the SP and SJ groups exist and are sometimes useful.

There are many times when it's useful to say a two-letter type when you can't figure someone out very well, but can guess that they are some kind of SF, ST, NF, or NT. Sometimes it's easy to see that someone is some kind of NF, but you don't know much else about them. The point is that the groupings are variable depending on what you need to use them to explain.

With some of the symbols, there is information lost but convenience gained. For instance, there is a system where each of the eight functions has its own individual Latin letter, such as F (forceus, or something) for extraverted sensing. I like that, and each type is described using only the two letters of their ego block. However, information is lost that way, because if you call it "S" for either type of sensing, introverted (Si) or extraverted (Se), it suggests that there is a connection between the two, that they have something in common and that they occur together in the same person. After learning about the dimensionality of the functions, I know that your ignore function and demonstrative function are as strong as your base and creative function, but you just prefer not to use them unless they are "serving" your preferred functions, and not as an end in themselves. So an ST type is capable of strongly using ALL FOUR of the sensing and thinking functions. So it's useful to indicate a connection or similarity between Si and Se, or whatever, instead of calling them individual Latin letters that are unique to each function but don't show which functions occur together in the same person. You wouldn't know that the letter F (forceus) was related to the letter S (or whatever the letter is for introverted sensing - I think one of them actually is S but I'm not sure and need to look it up).

Then they have the symbols: the circles, squares, triangles, and L blocks. There is no way to show an "ambiguous vertedness" symbol, perhaps a symbol that was partially shaded in with cross hatched lines or something, if you wanted to just refer to the two-letter ST, NF and so on groups. You don't know whether they are introverted or extraverted. Is that called "-version" or is it called "-vertedness?" Rick would know. Or maybe he wouldn't. Anyway, the lack of a symbol forces me to use the letters S, F, N, and T. That is not officially unique to socionics, and it comes from Myers Briggs.

I've seen the clusterfuck that is Myers Briggs. I've been to the forums before I went to socionics. MB doesn't have a system of intertype relations. You don't know how helpful the intertype relations are! They help you know if you've correctly identified someone's type. They are a backup test that supports your typing of someone. If the intertype relations fail, then you may have given them the wrong type. A failsafe - there's a word I'm looking for but can't remember.

Meanwhile, Myers-Briggs can only figure out you're a sensor if either 1. You are so totally and completely Ne-PoLR or Ni-PoLR that you can't see beyond your next footstep, or 2. Your IQ is so low that, same as above. It calls everybody else an intuitive, even if intuition is their role function, because they are at least slightly capable of using, and valuing, intuition and imagination, at least once in a while, so that they will choose some of the intuitive answers on the test. It scores millions of ESTPs as being something like ENTP or ENTJ, for instance, and I myself was an INTP, INTJ, or INFP for many years, while I read the descriptions of the ISTP and felt that it might describe me, but everyone said sensors were stupid, and I knew I wasn't stupid, and I also don't just blindly live in the immediate moment without seeing beyond my next footstep either, but sensors were described as morons who only live in the now.

I was watching Harry Potter today on video, and Voldemort said that Charity Burbage, the lady who used to be a Hogwarts teacher, believed that the mixing of magical and Muggle blood was not an abomination, but a desirable thing or whatever. Socionics is equivalent to that - it advocates the mixing of Sensor and Intuitive blood. I loved socionics right away for that reason.

But there was a school of thought in the American personality types that said you should get with somebody who had every letter different except the S or N. They've gotten the concept that you are attracted to a partial opposite. So I would go with an ESFJ, my supervisor type (an unfavorable relation!).

Many people, including Nathaniel Branden, have expressed the idea that people have complementary differences but also similarities in other areas.

In socionics, you change every letter except the J/P at the end of the Myers-Briggs type. An ISTP goes with an ENFP.

I've seen schools of thought that advocated that every single letter should be different, which would put me with my conflict type, the ENFJ (yet another unfavorable relation). I've seen people on forums claim that every relationship is unique and no system can predict what kind of relation you will have. Socionics is so, so, so much better than all that. I knew it was true as soon as I saw that ENFP was my dual and I remembered Rachael being an obvious ENFP. Then I remembered Valencia in college, who took the test and sometimes came out ENFJ, sometimes INFJ, my best college friend who always made me laugh uncontrollably for hours. Socionics said that the INFJ was my activator. Now that I know more than I did back then, I see she fits the INFJ description, using introverted ethics instead of extraverted.

But the American schools of thought portray sensors as morons and they try to keep them away from the intuitives, who are portrayed as a superior species of human, higher than the ape-like sensors. In socionics, both need each other.

I'm writing a lot today because I'm having one of my reactions. I also didn't feel well today, and I spent most of the day resting.