Bolder

(This was written on Tuesday.)

I'm very glad to know that I'm off tomorrow for the third day in a row. I moved some boxes into storage today, but I went swimming first before I did any work. I did nothing at all on Monday because I didn't feel well and I slept most of the day. So when I went swimming this morning, I felt anxious and could not really relax. If I'm worried about the fact that I need to get work done, then I can't enjoy myself. However, I got stuff moved out later in the day.

I'm getting bolder. I've gone swimming more often and I am worrying less and less about the other people there. The other day, a couple of women in kayaks went right past me and I merely nodded my head at them and then went on swimming. I am no longer afraid when the fast motorboats go by, because they never even come close to me. I'm swimming in a shallow cove, and if they came in, they would run aground, so they stay out where it's deep. However, small fishing boats sometimes hang out in "my" cove. I call it Mermaid's Cove, but that sounds silly to everyone else. However, that's what I call it now, and I know exactly where it is and how to get there, and I'm becoming familiar with the territory. I know which trees to hide under when I need to hide. I'm actually getting bored with it and I want to explore new areas soon, but I haven't gone anywhere else yet. I did swim at a slightly farther down area once, but it took longer to walk there.

I'm getting more comfortable being naked outdoors. I feel less and less anxiety every time I go. In the beginning, it always takes courage for the first few seconds while I'm still debating whether or not I'm ready to take my clothes off, but as soon as they're off, I quickly get used to it.

I haven't tanned at all anywhere on my body. The only thing that happens is, my face burns, over and over again. It never really gets tanned, it just burns and then fades and then burns again. My whole body is still icy porcelain white even though it's been exposed to the sun several times. I don't spend hours and hours swimming, so I'm actually not naked in the sun for very long. I always get hungry and tired and so I leave after a while.

I went to get the Amish milk again today on the way home. I buy it from a family who lives near the town of Howard where the dam is. The milk is giving me mild digestive problems, but nowhere near as badly as it sometimes did. I think maybe the milk in the wintertime is worse than summer milk because the cows can only eat hay in the winter and not grass. So I'm tolerating the milk relatively well.

This evening I went to see a movie, and I didn't know which one to see, so I went to Fast 5 at the dollar theatre. I didn't know what Fast 5 was about, and I got through the entire movie before I finally realized it was one of the sequels of The Fast and the Furious. I actually found the movie entertaining, and was trying to guess the socionic types of the characters. I'm able to ignore all the gratuitous violence and smashing of things, mostly - I know it's not real. My reaction to it is simply that I can't get what I really need from this particular movie. I need something, and it's not here.

I've spent a lot of money watching movies (at the non-dollar theatre where it's like $8.75 if you go in the evenings) and I've also spent a lot of money on gas for the car. It's a long drive to the dam. Not really really long, but maybe 10 miles or something. I've been doing these things to relieve stress during this crisis of moving my stuff out and having drug residue reactions.

If I weren't typing on an iPod, I would talk about Peak Oil again. But I will save that for some other time. Every time I read anything Rick has written, it gets deeper and deeper, and I see new things or understand things I never understood before. I don't know what kind of compromises I will make when I marry someone, but most likely I will marry someone who has the IEE personality type, but who has average intelligence. It is not easy to find people who are very intelligent who also have the right type and who live near me so that I can meet them in person. I made no attempt to stalk the likely IEE who was giving a class about how to use the Barnes and Noble Nook a few weeks ago. I could do something like ask him to call me or email me. He's most likely already in a relationship. I did not get close enough to see if he was wearing a ring; however, Rick mentioned that he and his wife has wooden rings to avoid using gold, and I don't know if he actually wears it all the time - he said the wedding ceremonies were mostly done for the sake of family and friends, not for themselves. The point is that for all I know this guy could be in a serious long-term relationship but he chooses to keep it informal and does not wear a ring.

I've wondered about the idea of rejecting metals that are mined from the earth. Metal mining is pretty much THE biggest thing that destroys primitive cultures. Not just metals, but all minerals and substances mined from the earth. I'd talk more but I'm typing really slowly on this iPod. I'll have to use a real computer at the library soon.

What compromises will I make? I can marry someone who I get along with, but he won't teach me much that I don't already know, and he won't inspire me much. Having children is very important to me, but I am perfectionistic about how I raise them, and perfection is impossible, and I will have to compromise on the things that matter least.