I had coffee a little while ago, and as expected, the effects get weaker every time I use it, unless I allow several days of withdrawal and recovery after each use. But still, it is helping overall, and I will continue to temporarily use it for the next few days until I get out of this apartment. After I get into my car, I will again stop using coffee, as there will be no more urgent deadlines that have to be met while struggling with bouts of fatigue. It will be kind of sad to stop using coffee and go back down to a lower level of mental and physical functioning. However, that is my choice, and I have my reasons, and there are benefits to living at that lower level of functioning, and being drug-free.
I went a while without putting any comments on the socionist blog. But I did today. When I do this, I feel that it is a violation, that I am not supposed to do it, that it is not welcomed or appreciated, but instead that it is repulsive and annoying and very negative, even if the comment itself is neutral or insightful.
I can do comments now because I'm using my netbook, and its browser doesn't malfunction in that particular way. My PC for some reason wouldn't post comments properly, so I went for several months attempting to leave comments which would disappear after I wrote them, and I didn't know that was happening, and it was related to my computer being a Windows 98 PC running an old copy of Opera that was hacked and full of malware and other glitches. For whatever reason, the blogger web pages wouldn't function properly on that computer.
If my comments hadn't been getting deleted, he might have been able to reply to one once in a while, and I might have been able to calm down and accept the communication, but instead it led to the usual freaking out over how all of my internet communications are being spied on and manipulated.
However, it is not really true that 'it led to' that happening, because there were several things that caused me to be 'freaking out' over the hacking and communication problems. I have no way of knowing how I would have behaved if I were not being manipulated and forced to do things, believe things, and feel things that 'they' forced me to.
The coffee clearly and definitely intensifies my crush on an unattainable person. That is yet another reason why it is helpful for me not to drink coffee.
Thinking of Rick, I looked at videos of the Russian Alphabet on YouTube, after I happened to click a link to a random video and then 'suddenly decided' that now was the time for me to listen to Russian alphabet songs.
I have a way of learning language. I was annoyed by one particular video where the person wrote the English translations of each word next to the Russian word. It was an alphabet video where they showed each letter and then several words that it was in. The English translations of each word were irrelevant and distracting, and my eyes automatically attached themselves to the English words while ignoring the Russian words.
I want to be forced to immerse in the Russian and nothing but that, as though English does not exist. There is no translation. I learn language like a baby who has never known any language before. So, 'translation' annoys me and I want nothing to do with it.
Instead I would like to memorize songs, which is why I was looking at alphabet songs. And I want to focus on proper pronunciation before I even understand the meanings of words. I want my mouth to feel how it is to properly speak each letter, and who cares what it means.
The baby learns to speak by watching how other people react to what it says. Do you laugh affectionately, or do you laugh in the painful, anxious way that tells me 'this is wrong?' If you laugh affectionately, I say the same thing again to see if it makes you smile again. If you laugh harshly, I avoid saying that thing to you again. What did I say that got such a negative response? Socionics would affect all of these interactions, of course.
Anyway I want nothing to do with the English translations of words. When I learn a language, English doesn't exist anymore.
I don't like the artificial, structured methods of learning language. Instead I want to use glossolalia and baby talk. I will make a bunch of messy sounds that might actually contain a few real words. I want to make lots of mistakes. Most of my baby talk will be meaningless. I want to do lots and lots of wrong language, instead of doing right language. Doing everything wrong is the way that I learn best.
It's sort of like carving a sculpture out of a block. You start with a block and you carve away all the outside of it to bring out the sculpture inside of the block.
And you accept and tolerate my baby talk, and you speak it back to me, imitating the sounds I made. You try to say the same thing I said to you. But when you say it back to me, it's affected by your accent. So I repeat it back to you, copying your accent upon it. My accent shapes itself to match your accent as we repeat nonsense back to each other.
Then, you get bored, and you change something, which tells me that we're not getting anywhere, or it tells me that I've been doing it right and we don't need to repeat it anymore, and if it's important, we'll do it again later. So you do something different to make it go somewhere else.
We are writing a song. Every conversation is a symphony. The sounds have no meaning. They do not 'translate' to anything.
A baby talk session would also involve 'doing something' together. We would do some kind of a task. In the beginning, I only care about finding food. I have to learn about that before I learn about other things. How do I ask for food, how do I talk about it, where do I find it? So I learn to speak by asking for something to eat or drink and then going and getting it and talking about it while we do this.
Everything that I do while learning a language is analogous to the things a baby does while it learns a language. Immersion and interaction is better than translation and memorization of a foreign word next to an English word.
But memorizing songs and other things is good for me, especially if someone can help me pronouce the sounds perfectionistically without the slightest trace of an accent. Perfectionistically getting rid of the accent is more important to me than knowing what the words mean. Even if I only know a total of 20 words, it's more important for me to speak them without an accent than it is to know what they mean.
It's strange to hear a baby speak to you. I am always shocked and surprised and emotionally moved whenever a very young child speaks out loud or says something to me, even something as simple as 'Hi.' There's this belief that the baby cannot possibly understand anything or communicate anything, and yet, there it is talking to you like an adult. It's not just an animal. Well, it is, but I mean, it's not a 'different' animal, but instead it's the same kind of animal you are. Dogs can't speak English to us (without a great struggle). When the baby speaks to you in your language, it means 'I'm a person.'
So all that was inspired by drinking coffee and temporarily reawakening the Rick obsession. I know that this is all useless and pointless, and that if I tried to befriend him I would be rejected and badly hurt, because there are strict limits on the relationship, and I would always be trying to get more from him than he was able to give.
I have a task to do today, the reason why I drank coffee yet again, the reason why I am putting up with these unwanted side effects for now, the reason why I am temporarily more intellectually alert and more lonely and obsessive. I have to go into the bathroom and look at each and every bag of stuff sitting on the floor and decide whether I need this immediately, or whether I can put it into a box of miscellaneous stuff, and not worry about it for a few weeks, and put it into storage.
I will have to put more and more stuff into the boxes, and use less and less of it, and then one day I will decide that it's time to get everything completely out of the house, and walk around looking in every corner for lost and forgotten objects, and then I'll get into my car, and I won't 'go home' again, because this won't be my home, this won't be where I sleep and eat.
It will be very inconvenient for a while, until I set up the procedures for how I do things. I'm not leaving the area, and I'm not leaving the people and the familiar faces, and I'm not leaving my job, not yet, not until and unless I decide to. I am only going to be living in a very inconvenient sort of house that doesn't have any utilities. I'll have to borrow my utilities from everyone else.
Maybe I'll take baths in the creek. That's okay because I won't be using any detergent or soap that would go into the stream, I would just rinse off with a washcloth, which is the way I am already doing it - I stopped using soap at the same time that I stopped using shampoo and any other chemicals on my hair, so I already am just scrubbing off with a washcloth and no soap of any kind anywhere on my body. I still wash my hands with dish soap once in a while if they're dirty, but overall, I don't use any soap. Anyway, that means taking a bath in the creek without soap is not that strange and not that different from what I already do.
The baths will be unpleasantly cold. Being cold all the time will be the biggest difficulty. Everything is always cold, even in the middle of summer. Jumping into a creek and taking a bath will still be uncomfortably freezing and shocking, even in the middle of summer.
About being cold all the time: I think that being cold all the time is associated with metallic dental fillings. They affect a particular gland, and if I recall correctly, it's the thyroid. I haven't been worried about this for a few years, because I had the metallic filling taken out and replaced with a plastic one, and so I have had to worry about the side effects of the plastic ones instead, and they don't make me cold all the time the way the metallic one did. They just make me stupid and give me breast pain. The bisphenol-A always gave me an unpleasantly sludgy, dumb feeling in my head, making it hard for me to think.
I'm going to drill out my own plastic fillings by hand, myself, in the future, unless I can find someone else who is willing and able to remove them for me without replacing them with any new fillings. I will just have empty holes where the cavities were drilled. I will eat a special diet to strengthen my teeth and avoid causing pain in the cavities.
Then I will describe everything that happens, on the internet, so that other people can read about it, because tons of people want to do that same thing. I want to tell everyone how I was able to get my fillings removed without adding any new fillings, because large numbers of people need to know how to do that, and I agree, I feel that same frustration. People are always finding my blog through google searches asking how to remove dental fillings and leave the cavities unfilled. When I do it, I promise, I'll tell you all about it in thorough detail.
Maybe I am ready to go try to pack things that are in the bathroom. I'm anxious about trying to do work, because in reality, I am NEVER 'ready' to do it. Especially now that I'm being electronically harassed. In the past, it was okay to do everything at the last minute in the midst of a crisis. That is my natural way. But 'they' don't allow me to experience any kind of crisis anymore. But that's a long story and I won't get into it right now.
They don't allow me to sleep. If only I slept for real, then when I awoke, I would be 'ready' to do things. Readiness is the result of sleep. Without sleep, it is impossible to be ready for anything at all. I have not slept since the severe attacks began in 2003, so it's been about 8 years since I slept. I have 'fake sleep,' where the murderers push a button on a machine and force me to artificially fall asleep at the exact moment when they command me to, and while I am asleep, they force me to dream fake dreams and think fake thoughts, which they completely control, and then, a short time later, they push a button that forces me to snap awake at exactly the moment when they want to wake me up.
As a result, my body and my mind are incapable of doing any of the things that they need to do while sleeping. Every electronic harassment victim experiences this same thing, from what I have read. It is pretty much THE DEFINITION of what it means to be a targeted individual, an electronic harassment victim. Total sleep control and total sleep deprivation are the very center of the torture process. It is pretty much this one thing, this only thing, that totally destroys and ruins all of your life.
But I am going to pack some more belongings up. And I will be living in my car. And after this urgent deadline has passed, it is very likely that 'we' will be talking about new projects and goals. And I hope that one of those goals, soon, will be to talk to other people in the world about electronic harassment, and to build an effective shield that will block it, and alternatively to find existing geographic and physical locations where the attacks are less severe, and to detect the attacks with equipment, and find the direction that it comes from, and understand who the attackers are, and collect enough evidence to prove it, and eventually, to force them to stop attacking, because 'asking them nicely' doesn't seem to be working.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
asking how to remove dental fillings and leave the cavities unfilled. When I do it, I promise, I'll tell you all about it in thorough detail.
...................please do and thank you in advance!!!!
Post a Comment