Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Disposable infrastructure

I'm sitting at Tudek Park writing on my iPod. I just went to the UPS Store and set up my mailbox.

I had been feeling unable to do any more packing, because everything else that I had left would "cut to the bone" if I removed it. For instance, my bed and my little fridge. However, I turned off the fridge and I'm defrosting it, and this morning, I disposed of my disposable bed.

After I contaminated my mattress years ago, I refused to buy any more mattresses. So I have slept on a foam mat on the floor, on top of sheets of cardboard. I threw that all away today - it's gradually gotten contaminated and just plain dirty. I won't have any place to sleep tonight. This is like the leap of faith. I just don't have a bed now.

Also, today I put my netbook in storage so that I would quit fooling around on the net all day instead of packing. I did that first thing this morning as soon as I got up, because it was important to actually start working today. I was using the net more than ever before, because it was a high speed wireless connection. So I was watching YouTube videos and stuff that I've been deprived of all these years because I was on dialup.

I really don't have much left. It was "sacred" infrastructure, like the bed, that made me feel like I had a whole lot of stuff left. So I just jumped in and destroyed the sacred infrastructure.

All of this is going on while the government debates about their debt limit. My own "austerity measures" are beginning. We ordinary people are poor because the government is taking away our money, in taxes, and indirectly by controlling the value of the dollar, and by lending people money at low interest rates. We shouldn't have to be poor.

However, poor or not, I still want the challenge of self-reliance. I just want to do it. I want to be challenged to find new ways to do my routines. I can't wait till the end of next month, when I will have a couple weeks' worth of paychecks in the bank, and none of it will have been spent on rent. I will have to decide exactly what I will do with the money, and when, and in what order.

I'm amused thinking of a blog I wrote several weeks ago where I said that the hardest part about all this was "deciding what I would do with all the money." It was a joke, like I'm going to be hugely rich and I'll need a big vault to put all my money in and I'll hire armed guards, and I'll make sure that the Fast and the Furious people don't yank the entire vault out of the wall and drag it down the highway and violate the laws of physics, as the vault was so heavy it would have yanked their cars in the opposite direction every time they went around a curve. Yes, I watched "Fast 5." And the vault-dragging scene, the climax of the entire movie, was TOTALLY IMPOSSIBLE and it broke about a dozen of Newton's laws.

Anyway, I will be living in my car and saving up money. But not only will I be saving the money I would have spent on rent, I also will avoid contaminating yet another new apartment. The contamination will end. It will stay where it is until I get rid of it completely.

There's nothing I can do. The landlady said that she will have the carpet shampooed by professionals. I didn't try to explain anything about my past experiences with trying to remove ephedra from carpet. I haven't even told her much except that I'm chemical sensitive and "allergic" to some things. It's too complicated to explain, and no one believes me. So I can't tell her that in my opinion, the entire carpet and also the vinyl kitchen and bathroom floors should be totally removed and destroyed and replaced, instead of shampooed.

I want a house with a dirt floor. Dirt is disposable. As a result, it's the "cleanest" type of flooring you can possibly have. If the floor is easily disposable, then contamination never builds up. You just sweep out the old dirt and pour new dirt on top. Dirt is clean. That's my new housing code. The modern culture's idea of the "worst case scenario" in housing is a cottage with a dirt floor. It is the very definition of "bad." I am redefining it as "good."

About male INFJs: I was hearing voices today who said Peter was an EII, not an ESI. They argued that Peter was interested in religion, and he had a sort of universalized point of view, where he looked at all the different religions and noticed things they had in common.

They also suggested that my teen boyfriend Terry was an EII, but an unhealthy, drug-using one who was being abused at home and who also had Tourette's syndrome. We were always fighting, and yet I loved Terry more than anyone I had ever met before and any guy I've been with since then.

My feelings for Peter might have been stronger if he weren't on drugs, because the secondhand drugs made me numb and apathetic and drowsy whenever we touched each other. I'm still not certain if he was an EII. (I'm not really seeing Peter now. We talk rarely. I've been separating from him.) But I am sure enough that he's either an ESI or an EII. I had assumed he was an ESI for sure all this time. It was only today that "they" suggested differently.

There are some benefits to an activator relationship. You have one rational and one irrational. One of them makes decisions quickly and pushes the other one to take action. The other one perceives the situation more fully and adds a deeper understanding before taking action. Both approaches are useful. But you are more relaxed with your dual, as you both make decisions the same way.

I can't wait to meet people. I am so tired of being completely alone.

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