Friday, October 31, 2008

no two-day weekends

I've had a lousy couple of weeks. My work schedule hasn't been the way I want it to be. I haven't had my two days off in a row, because they needed me to help on the day that they did inventory, and there was a health inspection, and just one thing after another. I haven't heard from McDonald's, although I've talked to several different people there, all of whom said to me that I've UNofficially been hired, and it just needs to become official.

My spyware-infested computer is now so slow I can barely surf the internet, as all my bandwidth and processing power is being used by somebody else for their own purposes instead of my own. This is a major cleanup project that I need to do and haven't had time for, along with everything else.

Another situation has been going on and I still wonder whether emails/phone calls are being lost or redirected somehow. I still get 'voices' every day trying to convince me to believe this or that, trying to make me do stuff, go places. I know from years of experience, I know all about 'Learned Helplessness.' The slightest obstacle gets in your way, and you give up, because years of experience have shown you that no matter what you do, it won't work. So I get voices trying to tell me: write a note on paper, go to this or that location, say this or that, make another phone call, send another email, etc. I know that all of those things won't work. I have done all of this before; I recognize the pattern.

This won't help, but I'll say it anyway. I'm NOT trying to make anybody apologize. I just want to understand what has been going on. If anybody wants to apologize, they can, but then again, for all I know, somebody else might think that I owe THEM an apology. I won't know anything until some actual communication occurs. My goal is to treat this person as I myself would want to be treated, and I'm not believing any of the crap that 'they' tell me about him. Or TRYING not to. Sometimes you can't help believing the stuff they make you believe. You can't know much about somebody when you've only had a very small number of conversations with that person.

I'm not looking forward to today. If my hives get any worse, I'm going to have to explain to every person I meet 'Yes, that is correct, I do have hives all over me.' It's almost like walking around wearing a cast and using crutches. You have to tell the same story over and over again.

HIVES!!!

I am having a serious allergic reaction to something I ate. It started the day before yesterday when I ate some peanut butter cookies that I bought at a convenience store. I've never been allergic to peanuts. But after I ate those cookies, I started having extremely severe heartburn (which I also never have), coughing, and wheezing.

I know this sounds dumb, but instead of throwing away the cookies, I ate the rest of them. I wasn't quite sure at first if it was really caused by the cookies. For some reason, the next time I ate them, I didn't have as many problems. There were only like ten big cookies in the package and I finished them yesterday.

But today my whole body is covered in huge itchy red hives. It looks like I got stung by bees all over my abdomen. My eyes are slightly swollen and it makes my face look weird.

I've been watching Harry Potter. I think the cookies must have come from Fred and George's Skiving Snackboxes.

I'm not sure how bad it's going to get. This has never happened before. Right now I find it somewhat amusing, but it could get worse.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

McDonald's

Blogger ate this post. At least it was a very short one without anything really irreplaceable in it. I usually type it into a text file first and then post the whole thing at once, but I thought this one was brief enough to just type it directly into the form.

McDonald's didn't call me back yet, so I called them. I spoke to one of the managers, who said that the store manager had mentioned me just a day or two ago and said he was definitely hiring me. That's not as official as hearing it from the store manager himself but it sounded official enough.

This is a relief - I'll have more control over how many hours a week I'm working. If one job cuts my hours I can work more hours at the other job.

I feel like I'm getting a stomach virus. I think the last time I threw up was in 2002. If this doesn't go away, it will be a rough night... :P

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

The Harry Potter stories seemed too scary at first

A long time ago, I hated Harry Potter. I hadn't read any of the books, and the movies hadn't come out yet. But everyone was talking about Harry Potter this, Harry Potter that. I thought that if it was so popular, it had to be really stupid. When I was a kid in school, the 'popular' kids were the ones who made fun of me and my friends. So Harry Potter got lumped into the 'popular' category and I rejected it.

My ex-boyfriend's daughter was having trouble learning how to read. She was a little bit dyslexic, reversing letters and numbers, and she didn't enjoy the boring reading assignments that the school gave her. So every time she visited us, he sat with her and they read Harry Potter together. Because she enjoyed the reading material and couldn't wait to find out what happened next, she was willing to struggle through it in spite of the dyslexia. Over the years she did eventually get better at reading. But in the beginning, Harry Potter was very helpful.

When the first movie came out, I went to see it with them.

My first impressions of the movie are probably still true. I actually had some negative reactions to it. But over time I became a loyal Harry Potter fan, and read all the books and watched all the movies, more than once.

At first I was a little disturbed because the movies are just a bit too scary. The kids are exposed to real danger at a very young age. Even ordinary things are dangerous - for instance when you walk up the stairs, the staircases move underneath you, and you could fall off the edge of the landing. Magical accidents can kill you, and magical creatures are everywhere, and you're always discovering something you've never seen before, and you don't know whether it's safe.

At Hogwarts, they tell the kids that the Forbidden Forest is a very dangerous place and they are never supposed to go there, but then, some of them get detention, and they're required to go into the forest (with Hagrid as their guide) to do a task, as punishment.

I didn't like it that the school would actually risk their lives as a punishment for breaking some rules. Did they think the Forbidden Forest really wasn't dangerous after all, in which case they were lying to the kids about how bad it was? Or did they not mind risking lives in a forest that really was dangerous? Of course, they did have an adult with them - they weren't alone, but it still seemed too dangerous a task for detention.

Another time, Neville falls from a high place when a flying broom carries him too high and throws him off. It seems like nobody really does anything about it and he's lucky to be alive.

So I saw that kind of thing happening a couple times in the movie and that bothered me. There are situations where the school either requires the students to do something dangerous, or allows them to do it, or notices that they're in trouble and doesn't intervene when they should. I just had the feeling that going to Hogwarts was very dangerous.

Gradually, after reading more of the books and seeing the movies, I got used to that feeling and it didn't disturb me as much anymore.

But later on, that same theme was what made the stories so recognizable to me. It relates to things that I myself have experienced. In 'Order of the Phoenix,' the kids realize that the authorities are no longer protecting them, and that if they want to get anything done, they will have to do it themselves. They start a group called 'Dumbledore's Army,' where Harry teaches them what he knows about self-defense.

They did this because the Ministry of Magic takes over the Defense Against the Dark Arts class, by sending them a new teacher who teaches it the way that the Ministry says it must be taught. The new teacher's approach is to show them only the theory, without any practice, at self-defense. She says they will learn in a risk-free environment.

I talked about the kids being exposed to danger at a young age. But I'm not against taking risks. It helps if you have guidance - someone telling you what the risks are, and showing you how to avoid or reduce them, and how to troubleshoot problems. The new teacher wanted them to do nothing but read a book and copy lines of text out of it. They weren't even doing something as safe as role-playing - I've very often thought that a lot of social skills can and should be taught by role-playing, by pretending, deliberately in school.

I could relate to Order of the Phoenix because the idea was 'The authorities have failed us, so we'll confront this problem ourselves.' All of the government was in denial about Voldemort's return. Nobody was teaching the kids how to protect themselves against these real-world dangers. They told everyone that the kids' experiences fighting with Voldemort were all lies and delusions. This is analogous to my own life experiences.

Some other time, I'll have to write about the other things I love about those stories, for instance, the feeling that you're a social reject or outcast and then you go find a community of people 'where everybody knows your name,' where people accept you and understand you.

I'm now a Harry Potter junkie, and like millions of other people, I can't wait to see the next movie.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

The Real People Project

Well, I've really been going through with the 'Interacting With Real Humans' plan. This means that I actually meet people in person and speak to them without typing on a keyboard. So far, it's been challenging.

A few months ago some total stranger came up to me at Barnes & Noble and chatted with me, and I happened to pass him on the street the other day when I was out walking. He was sitting by the sidewalk and I recognized him and said hello.

We chatted a little bit, and it turns out that I'm uncomfortable chatting without a purpose. He mentioned that he needed to get something from a website and he didn't have an internet connection, so I latched onto that as the favor that I would do for him.

It's painful for me when I meet people, discover that the conversation doesn't entertain me very much, find out that I don't have much in common with them, and decide that the whole thing is totally useless and neither of us have anything to gain from it at all. When I feel like that, my mind starts calculating 'What can we gain from this?' In the old days the answer was always 'Nothing. Say goodbye as soon as you can.' But now I am actually looking for something to gain or something to give. Getting that printout for him gave me a purpose. The idea is that he will be a human contact who might eventually be useful to me. Again, I feel guilty about viewing people as 'useful' instead of just enjoying their company, but it's very difficult for me to find anybody whose company I enjoy. Over and over again, I discover that I just don't like doing any of the things other people like to do, I don't like talking about the things that other people like talking about, I don't feel understood by them, and so on. I like people in a sort of detached way, from a distance, without any real closeness. And I don't like socializing for the sake of socializing - I like to be busy, I like to work, I like to have a goal.

However, this person fulfills the purpose of the Real People Project, because if I need a ride someplace, or my house burns down, or I run out of money and need somebody to buy me dinner, I have one additional person on my list of contacts who might possibly be able to help with those things.

I am getting a sense of 'Favors/promises owed to me' and 'Favors/promises I owe to others.' Anytime I tell somebody that I'll do something, no matter how small of a thing it is, it gets added to this list. If I say I'll call somebody on the phone at a certain time on a certain day, I have to do it. I am starting to feel like a 'dealer' somehow because I keep talking to people in a 'sales pitch' tone of voice and scheduling which hour of which day I'll meet somebody somewhere or call somebody. And I have hardly even met anybody yet - how on earth will it be when I am socializing with a dozen different groups of people? It is all very businesslike and artificial, very forced, detached. It's like I'm continuing to do work, instead of 'having fun' or 'socializing' or 'relaxing with friends.' Everything feels like it has to be done for a purpose.

I like that feeling. It's done for a purpose, but I'm the one who decides what purpose (aside from the goals and purposes being decided by 'them,' as in the voices). It's different from going to work every day and being told to do this task or that task, to be part of a machine that someone else built. This time I am the one building the machine.

Favors/promises get postponed whenever anything goes wrong in my life. For instance, I postponed my trip to West Virginia that I talked about with my MySpace friends (sorry guys) because first, Mom said she wasn't sure when they were going to New Jersey to sort through my grandmother's stuff, and then, even after that was settled, my finances were so bad that I was having trouble paying my bills and felt too anxious to try making a trip anywhere. I'm still not ready for that.

I don't yet have any criteria to decide what priority level the various tasks will get. That's too complicated for me right now. I'm just kind of saying yes to whatever I feel comfortable with, meeting people as friends, network contacts, but not as boyfriends/sex partners - I don't think of this as dating. What I'm doing is networking and interacting with the real world. It will become obvious very quickly that there is a need to make boundaries and limits. Socializing is overwhelming.

The second person is a co-worker: we've been planning and postponing a trip to the coffee shop, and I gave her a phone call and left a message. We are trying to find time to talk to each other about our lives, our experiences, our relationships, and other things that are in the 'types of things females talk about with each other' category. It's very unusual for me to have any female friends who I meet locally. I have female friends online, but not people who I hang out with regularly. Female friends are something I had back in college and in school. Since then, I've usually had only one local friend at a time - whichever guy I was dating - and this comes to a grand total of two guys over a period of eleven years or so (while I've lived in State College). I had a couple of housemates a few years ago when I lived in another apartment, but I didn't stay in touch with them when I moved out.

I have reason to believe that toxic mercury/silver amalgam dental fillings inhibit social interaction. I have definitely felt better since I removed the mercury filling. I've had other disturbing symptoms from the new plastic fillings, and that's another story, which I've already written about, but overall, I FEEL better.

I had to reach a state of desperation before I quit hoping to meet 'perfect' people and just accepted whichever random people happened to appear. 'Trying not to stalk somebody' was a good enough incentive to push me to meet other friends instead of piling up all of my social needs onto one guy who decided to avoid me and totally stopped communicating. I would have just gone back to normal except that I kept waking up every day hearing voices urging me to try to talk to him again, and waking up to voices claiming to be him, and going to work every day and fighting with them as they told me 'ask him this, ask him that, ask him if he's receiving your letters,' and so on.

(I distinguish between 'fellow sufferers' and 'button pushers.' Fellow sufferers are people who are lying in their beds passively hearing voices whether they want to or not. Button pushers are people who own and operate the equipment and computer systems used to do this attack. I ALWAYS assume that people are fellow sufferers and NOT 'button pushers.' I know, 'button pushers' is a silly name to call them, but it's meant to emphasize the fact that they are consciously, knowingly operating a piece of mechanical equipment instead of just talking 'psychically.' I decided years ago that if you are ONLY using a 'telepathic' or 'psychic' method to talk to somebody, then you are INNOCENT of any attack. Psychic/telepathic activities CANNOT be done at will or controlled by you yourself. If you experience a feeling of control, I believe that's fake. You are being deceived. My experiences led me to decide that all telepathic experiences are fake nowadays. I still don't know whether humans had psychic powers hundreds of years ago before this technology was invented.)

If you've never experienced a bunch of voices in your head commanding you to do things, it's hard to imagine what it's like. You constantly battle to figure out which activities are in your best interests, and which activities are destructive and harmful to you and others.

There is something I call the 'Unison Conflict,' which happens whenever you AGREE with what they tell you to do. You immediately feel the urge to do the OPPOSITE, or just do something else, or refuse to do that thing, merely because they told you to. If a real person had told you, face to face, 'Do this,' then it would be agreeable. But when somebody forces a voice into your head, and you have no choice about hearing them, it's totally different: it's a physical assault and battery, a physical attack, and you can't bear to agree with a physical attacker even if YOU WOULD HAVE OTHERWISE AGREED.

This is similar to the Iraq Invasion. The Iraqis want peace and security too, but they'll be damned if they surrender to the American army trying to FORCE them to be peaceful. Don't hold a gun to someone's head to force them to do things that they already want to do. That's the stupidest possible way to get them to do it. On the occasions where I 'agreed' to go along with things (please note, there can be no such thing as 'consent,' by definition, whenever somebody puts a voice into your head), it was only because I happened to be in a good mood, or I was on drugs, or other things that made me more suggestible. And it gets exhausting to constantly fight them. But once again, THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS CONSENT with regard to voices in your head. You can't avoid them; you can't tell them 'go home and let me sleep,' you can't tell them 'I'm at work right now, let me think,' you can't tell them 'I'm meditating and I need to make a decision right now' - THEY DON'T CARE. They always just keep talking, keep zapping, totally ignoring what you want, not caring about your right to sleep in peace, your right to meditate without being disturbed, your right to choose whom you interact with and when and where you interact with them.

The third group of Real People has been as challenging as the first two. It's starting to feel like a reality show, a soap opera, and a romance novel mixed together. (I know, that makes it sound trivial or petty. If they wanted it to be something, they would want it to be a great drama, a great adventure, something of importance. But for me, it has been such a miserable and unpleasant experience that I can't view it as anything noble or heroic. It is something painful that I endure, something I doggedly and wearily work through, without gaining much. From my point of view, I have lost a lot, and gained very little.) I don't know what the results will be. Everything that I've kept secret for months is suddenly pouring out. We are all talking to each other, about each other, and people are gradually starting to understand what the hell is going on here. It's a great relief to get it out in the open finally.

I don't know what will happen - I am blind to this particular future, because they won't stop attacking while I meditate. In the old days, I would have meditated to look at the likeliest possible outcomes of this situation. I would have foreseen numerous possibilities. I would have felt confident, prepared, ready for anything. I would have felt relaxed, strong, and not surprised by any turn of events.

That cannot be done now. Every time I look at the future, my body is physically attacked with zaps. That began shortly after my therapy with Judith Swack. I used to be able to plan, I used to be able to foresee, I used to guess what was likely or unlikely. That's destroyed now. This is a terrible evil. To destroy someone's ability to think and plan for themselves is to destroy their ability to function at all independently. I was never meant to just 'trust and obey.' I was meant to think for myself. But in this situation, with pain and weariness, with resentment, reluctance, bitterness, anger, and hatred towards the attackers, I operate blindly and wait to see what their purpose is. If I had wanted to live that way, I would have been religious.

Friday, October 17, 2008

going to the bar and ignoring m

as before, i will begin this one in the style of the notes that i write - just an informal style without any capital letters.

retmeishka is a word made up by using glossolalia. i have invented phonetic words for many years, but i don't remember whether i was doing it before i listened to the cocteau twins. that's a band where the woman sometimes sings in real words, and other times in syllables that resemble language but aren't.

this is my 'invisible audience' blog. the invisible audience only works when there's actually nobody there. if somebody is there, then it doesn't work anymore. this is out in the world more than my notes on the computer. it is more censored than they are, but less censored than my other blog. it won't be read by anyone who knows me, IF they aren't hacking. the hackers will of course know where i went. they knew about retmeishka since the day i set it up.

so there IS an audience here - it's whoever googles this or searches some piece of text by accident, which is unlikely to happen very often.

when i woke up, i heard m saying 'yeah, but does she think i have stink goggles?' then they said 'you're better than he is, you're much better.' that wasn't m, that was whoever gave me the audio.

this is part of the ongoing saga that began in the spring of this year. it will be difficult to tell the story, because they keep jumping in, interrupting, and trying to make me tell the story THEIR way.

but i think that THIS year, the achievement they wanted to destroy was my studying bookkeeping and accounting with the schaum's outline book. that is the project i was working on whenever they began to set up the conflict between me and m.

m is a puppet. he does what they tell him to do, but apparently, he can also invent obnoxious things of his own to say. i've tried to get him to spend time with me outside work so that i could find out what he's like as a real person.

they have been trying to get me to stalk him. it has been months and months of endless, constant brainwashing - a bombardment of voices and thoughts pretending to be him. you wake up every morning with thoughts of him in your head and they're trying to convince you to believe this or that, while you're asleep and hypnotized, and you CAN'T HELP believing whatever they tell you.

this is, again, slightly more censored than my opera notes, but less censored than my usual blog.

the 'stink goggles' comment - i could begin with the incident associated with that. that doesn't tell everything that began in the springtime, in chronological order, but it will get me started.

many months ago i told c that i was attracted to m and was trying to communicate with him. it was right around that time that m stopped answering calls or emails. i think i mentioned to c the fact that he had done only a few emails back and forth and then stopped.

c had told me that she and m usually went to a bar on wednesdays. she invited me once, i think, and back then, i said no, thanks, since i don't drink and wouldn't have been comfortable. i also wasn't comfortable with the idea that i was hanging out with her at a bar merely to get close to m. i felt like i was using her, because that would have been the only reason i went there: i wouldn't go there to enjoy the music or the alcohol, and c herself is someone i don't have enough in common with to really feel close to.

in the sentence before 'stink goggles,' somebody would have said something to the effect of 'she was hoping you would have beer goggles on,' which in and of itself is already going in a bad direction. that was another issue, but it's too much of a story to tell it all now.

i was not, in reality, 'hoping he had beer goggles on.' i went there with a particular frame of mind that began several weeks ago: that somebody had physically attacked me (not m, but the criminals), offered me something i wanted, and then taken it away. that is a frame of mind that says something is hopeless, something is destroyed, where i have no control over what they do, and i know that they are doing evil.

here is a short summary of what they did.

at the beginning of summer, they convinced me to go back to my old way of growing my mustache whiskers without bleaching them or doing anything to them. this is a pseudo-religious belief that i have (in spite of being an atheist) about not cutting or changing any hair on my body.

they also convinced me to do an experiment to find out how people react to body odor. i could explain where that idea came from but it wouldn't be a 'short summary' anymore. i did, in fact, go along with this, and have been doing the experiment. now you can probably put the pieces together and foresee what happened.

c invited me to go to the bar with them. she was a puppet. i'd explain what i think led up to that, and it's almost impossible to keep a short story short, so i won't. i said yes, i would go.

that night, i dressed in dirty clothes that had not been washed for a couple weeks. this is something that would not be understood by anyone - how could i rationalize something like that, they would wonder. at the time when i did it, there was no anger or hatred, for instance. i felt as calm and normal as i always do - perhaps even numb. i had used st. john's wort on monday, and by wednesday, i would be going into withdrawal, but still would be more suggestible than usual.

the dose was very low, as always, but i am suggestible when i use it no matter how low the dose is. i was able to tolerate the idea of going to a bar with people who i can't talk to, people who don't understand my world at all, when i don't drink, don't smoke, and can't stand most of the music they play at bars. i was able to tolerate the idea of spending a few hours near m, in a setting where i would not have chosen to be with him, where we would be in a 'social setting,' in other words, a place where i would never be able to speak to him privately.

i could not even HEAR him over the loud music. hearing him is crucial to the reality check which i am trying to get. i have reason to believe that he's a jerk whenever he's being himself and when he's drunk. i would like to hear the types of things he says when he's being a jerk. however, i doubt that this will fix anything - they make me do things based on my being suggestible, and it wouldn't matter if i had gotten used to the idea that he's a jerk and totally accepted that idea. the only information i had was ca (i have to distinguish her from c - i didn't plan ahead about how to use initials for people's names) who told me that m was making her angry and he had called her a $20 whore.

there have been many incidents this summer of fake smells. this is a type of hallucination they induce. they did it to me many times, making me smell something that could not possibly be in the area at the time when i smelled it. every time they did it, they then asked me about it or commented about it afterwards, to refine how realistic of an experience it was. they always put it into an unbelievable context, and at too high of an intensity. real smells feel different from the fake smells, but it's hard to describe exactly how they differ. it has something to do with the way you inhale while smelling something. you feel as though the intensity of the smell is dependent upon the actions you take. if you move a certain direction, if you inhale more or less deeply, the experience changes with respect to the actions you take. the fake experiences of smelling something are disconnected from anything you do.

they told me that they were making people smell body odor whenever they were near me. in my experiments i found out that body odor doesn't get very intense at all unless it's like 80 degrees out. they were making people smell it all the time regardless of whether i actually smelled or not. it appears in certain circumstances, but not all the time, and then it goes away if you're inside an air-conditioned building, for instance. i would have had it for real, except i think they were still making people smell something that was artificial, something much more intense and distorted than the real thing.

this is part of the destructive saga going on. the goal was to get me attracted to a guy who i hadn't been really noticing before. it was the severus snape persona who first called my attention to m by 'informing' me that m was attracted to me. the severus snape persona is the one who 'i' supposedly tried to kill, several years ago, although i experienced another persona telling me what to say to him at the time. (if someone really does google this and reads it by sheer luck, i'll mention for their sake that i call the criminals a 'persona' even though i DO NOT believe they are actually a 'multiple personality.' instead, they are a person who exists separately outside my body; they operate computers which use an artificial intelligence program sometimes, and other times they speak to me more directly, but it isn't coming from inside my head. it's just convenient to call them a persona.)

so, the severus snape persona has been involved with m from the very beginning. he would have intended malice and destruction from the instant that the whole thing started.

from what i can piece together, and i can't figure out much of it, since m won't communicate with me - m was probably calling me names and making fun of me for a while before we started talking to each other. i can't tell the whole story because it's too long.

the short summary: i was wearing dirty clothes for a long period of time because i had a chemical contamination disaster that caused me to throw away large amounts of my clothing, and i had to purchase new clothing every time the old stuff got contaminated. every time i tried to wash clothes, it spread the contamination around to all of the laundry, because a washer just sloshes the same dirty water around and around, in order to be conservative - it doesn't use lots and lots of fresh water applied continuously, which is what's needed for decontamination of any chemicals. so i just threw stuff in the garbage and bought new clothes if anything got contaminated. this meant that i just wore the same pieces of clothing for quite a few days until they got contaminated badly enough that i was having problems when i wore them.

not only did i wear dirty clothes, but also, i was taking showers once every couple days because i was working two jobs. i DID use deodorant back then, but that was a reluctant compromise, because it's one of the things i don't believe in using. i used a deodorant that's marketed towards organic/natural type people, although when you read the ingredients, it isn't really organic or natural - it just doesn't have some of the more toxic things that are in normal deodorant. i was using tom's of maine, calendula scent, most of the time. anyway, i have reason to think that he was probably calling me names and making fun of me back then. i can't find out any of this information because m himself cannot face me.

the severus snape persona, about him: several years ago, a few incidents occurred with him; he was characterized as a man in a wheelchair who could not control his bowels, and had to wear diapers. for him there was always a fear that he smelled bad to people in the workplace. there have been relentless attacks involving images and nightmares about people who smell like shit. they have even tried to say that body odor smells like shit, which it doesn't at all. it's a completely different smell. to some people it's very disgusting, and to other people it's tolerable; in the right context, with the right person, it can be intimate and erotic, but most people reject that idea because in the united states they have been taught that this is a shameful and disgusting thing.

i went to the bar, and discovered immediately that i could not dance if i was anywhere near m. (it's true, i didn't like the music much and it was too loud for me, both of which contributed to my finding it hard to dance.) i wandered around the bar a few times, sometimes watching people at the pool table in the back, sometimes just looking for a location where the music wouldn't be so loud, and for a while, i stood in another area of the dance floor, out of m's line of sight. when i was there, i felt slightly more able to dance. but just then, ca came over and told me that m had called her a $20 whore. that's one reason why i was guessing it was a puppet incident. he may or may not act like a jerk when he's drunk, or when he's sober for all i know, but that would have been a good moment to do something like that.

ca told me, a week or two ago, that she and m have been fighting all the time. i didn't get this idea until i went to the bar with them, but it's possible m was referring to ca when he said 'i have a similar situation' (of being involved with a married person).

i remember when they brought m to my attention - the voices - and i remember that i cried, and cried, and cried, and said that i could not bear to ruin an innocent person. i felt certain that if they forced me to become involved with him in any way, if they got him connected with me and my life, then he too would become a puppet, a victim of the attacks. and i said 'i can't do it, i can't do it.' i wanted to avoid him in order to protect him, but actually, there was nothing i could do to protect him. if they chose to go after him, they would do it regardless of what i did.

they gave me an idealized vision of him, in the spring, when they began connecting me to him. it could actually be a true image, because puppeteering is real. they showed me a person who was intelligent and kind and perceptive, someone strong and courageous. but he was far away, unable to speak, trapped, a puppet who said whatever they made him say.

and i think, now, that they are making him say things so that he seems to be a jerk, an obnoxious and abusive person. and that it's not really him who says those things. this is a painful way of looking at him. i have no way to isolate him from the attacks to find out how he behaves when he speaks only his own original words, just as i don't know what i myself would be like speaking my own original words.

one time, they gave me a vision. i felt like i was somebody else, but it was someone so similar to me, it was like an alter ego of myself. it was a woman, and she felt full of courage and strength. it was what i should have been if i had been healthy. i don't know if my weakness is caused by just physical injuries and my other chemical problems, or if it's also the outside interference, the puppeteering of my personality, that causes me to be weak.

he was supposed to be a mirror image of me, the same personality type, because i said on my myspace page that i wanted to meet like-minded people with whom to work on projects.

back to the conflict. months ago, m would not have been able to see that i had whiskers, because i was bleaching them back then (as a compromise, so that i would not be cutting them or waxing them). it turns out that he has bad eyesight, which i had not known. this summer, they decided that right now was the time to stop bleaching them and go back to letting them grow dark the way that i used to. meanwhile, m was away for the summer and would not have seen me. he would not have known that i was now growing brown whiskers.

i don't know whether he's read anything i've written on my opera notes: the very first thing that they convinced me to believe was that he was hacking my computer and reading everything, and that there would be no need to tell him anything, since he knew it already. this is an absolutely crucial belief, crucial to the conflict, crucial to the destructive game they are playing, crucial to making both of us into victims and pawns. they won't even let me consider for an instant that maybe m doesn't know anything i've written about him. i can describe this belief in the detached manner that i have right now, while still believing it all along, every second - i cannot turn off that particular way of seeing things. it is an overall feeling that there's no urgency, no real need to communicate with him, since he already knows everything. they don't let you get a sense of perspective that you would normally have. in the real perspective, i would be able to look at him and see whether he behaved as though he knew everything already, or whether he behaved as though he was surprised by things i said to him.

not only that, but i just thought of something else. there is a guy who comes into the store who used to talk to me. i was still talking to him back when m.w. worked there in the deli (there are too many m's who have worked there - we joke about them all having the same name).

this guy somehow started talking to me frequently, ordering the little pizzas that we used to have. i remember how it started. i apologized to him because i had a hard time making his pizza. i said that none of the ingredients had been there, and i had to get them off the shelves, and that these pizzas were notorious for being time-consuming, labor-intensive, and difficult to prepare, and that was why it took so long. he understood and appreciated the fact that i told him why it was so difficult to do.

then he started returning frequently and talking to me about various things. but he talked longer and longer and i wasn't comfortable with having a fifteen-minute conversation while i was on the clock. he talked about computers and technical gadgets, and he had been in the military. i was able to fake my way through the conversation: i understood just enough of it to be able to talk about it, but in reality, it was a strain, and these weren't subjects i was interested in. i am interested in 'technical gadgets' only as it pertains to what i need to do, what i need to research, what i need to test, in order to understand the attacks and make a shield that works.

i didn't know how much of a strain it was and how uncomfortable i was, talking to him, until one day when an incident happened with m.w. the guy approached and was talking to me for a few minutes, when m.w. interrupted because he needed something, i forget what, and i ended up excusing myself and walking away. what i felt was a great relief not to be stuck in this uncomfortable, strained, unnatural conversation, where i felt constantly anxious about talking while i was on the clock, and i felt that i always had to 'prove how smart i was' immediately by saying 'yes, i know how to do this or that on the computer, i've formatted the hard drive, etc, etc,' and he was giving me things like a linux cd, which i didn't want, since i already have an ubuntu cd that i was planning to install someday. and again, i'm not interested in talking about computers for the sheer entertainment of talking about computers. fixing the computer is something i learned how to do because of the hackers, not because i just love talking about computers and knowing about them and studying computers for the sheer fascination of studying computers. i am really not that interested in them. i learned it as a skill resulting from the attacks, not because i WANTED to learn anything about computers.

going to the bar and ignoring m

as before, i will begin this one in the style of the notes that i write - just an informal style without any capital letters. it won't always be that way. i just sometimes feel like it's easier to write without hitting the shift key.

retmeishka is a word made up by using glossolalia. i have invented phonetic words for many years, but i don't remember whether i was doing it before i listened to the cocteau twins. that's a band where the woman sometimes sings in real words, and other times in syllables that resemble language but aren't.

this is my 'invisible audience' blog. the invisible audience only works when there's actually nobody there. if somebody is there, then it doesn't work anymore. this is out in the world more than my notes on the computer. it is more censored than they are, but less censored than my other blog. it won't be read by anyone who knows me, IF they aren't hacking. the hackers will of course know where i went. they knew about retmeishka since the day i set it up.

so there IS an audience here - it's whoever googles this or searches some piece of text by accident, which is unlikely to happen very often.

the purpose is: to give m a place to read what i write about him, without my having to send him emails. he can choose to read it or not. i can choose to give him the link address if i feel that i need to do that. it is disconnected from my other blogs and so i feel less need to censor myself. (if i had a better income, i might not worry so much about censoring my writing. i could be more open and honest about what's going on in my life. but i worry at all times about people like my employers who will read what i've written.)

when i woke up, i heard m saying 'yeah, but does she think i have stink goggles?' then they said 'you're better than he is, you're much better.' that wasn't m, that was whoever gave me the audio.

this is part of the ongoing saga that began in the spring of this year. it will be difficult to tell the story, because they keep jumping in, interrupting, and trying to make me tell the story THEIR way.

but i think that THIS year, the achievement they wanted to destroy was my studying bookkeeping and accounting with the schaum's outline book. that is the project i was working on whenever they began to set up the conflict between me and m.

m is a puppet. he does what they tell him to do, but apparently, he can also invent obnoxious things of his own to say. i've tried to get him to spend time with me outside work so that i could find out what he's like as a real person.

they have been trying to get me to stalk him. it has been months and months of endless, constant brainwashing - a bombardment of voices and thoughts pretending to be him. you wake up every morning with thoughts of him in your head and they're trying to convince you to believe this or that, while you're asleep and hypnotized, and you CAN'T HELP believing whatever they tell you.

this is, again, slightly more censored than my opera notes, but less censored than my usual blog.

the 'stink goggles' comment - i could begin with the incident associated with that. that doesn't tell everything that began in the springtime, in chronological order, but it will get me started.

many months ago i told c that i was attracted to m and was trying to communicate with him. it was right around that time that m stopped answering calls or emails. i think i mentioned to c the fact that he had done only a few emails back and forth and then stopped.

c had told me that she and m usually went to a bar on wednesdays. she invited me once, i think, and back then, i said no, thanks, since i don't drink and wouldn't have been comfortable. i also wasn't comfortable with the idea that i was hanging out with her at a bar merely to get close to m. i felt like i was using her, because that would have been the only reason i went there: i wouldn't go there to enjoy the music or the alcohol, and c herself is someone i don't have enough in common with to really feel close to.

in the sentence before 'stink goggles,' somebody would have said something to the effect of 'she was hoping you would have beer goggles on,' which in and of itself is already going in a bad direction. that was another issue, but it's too much of a story to tell it all now.

i was not, in reality, 'hoping he had beer goggles on.' i went there with a particular frame of mind that began several weeks ago: that somebody had physically attacked me (not m, but the criminals), offered me something i wanted, and then taken it away. that is a frame of mind that says something is hopeless, something is destroyed, where i have no control over what they do, and i know that they are doing evil.

here is a short summary of what they did.

at the beginning of summer, they convinced me to go back to my old way of growing my mustache whiskers without bleaching them or doing anything to them. this is a pseudo-religious belief that i have (in spite of being an atheist) about not cutting or changing any hair on my body.

they also convinced me to do an experiment to find out how people react to body odor. i could explain where that idea came from but it wouldn't be a 'short summary' anymore. i did, in fact, go along with this, and have been doing the experiment. now you can probably put the pieces together and foresee what happened.

c invited me to go to the bar with them. she was a puppet. i'd explain what i think led up to that, and it's almost impossible to keep a short story short, so i won't. i said yes, i would go.

that night, i dressed in dirty clothes that had not been washed for a couple weeks. this is something that would not be understood by anyone - how could i rationalize something like that, they would wonder. at the time when i did it, there was no anger or hatred, for instance. i felt as calm and normal as i always do - perhaps even numb. i had used st. john's wort on monday, and by wednesday, i would be going into withdrawal, but still would be more suggestible than usual.

the dose was very low, as always, but i am suggestible when i use it no matter how low the dose is. i was able to tolerate the idea of going to a bar with people who i can't talk to, people who don't understand my world at all, when i don't drink, don't smoke, and can't stand most of the music they play at bars. i was able to tolerate the idea of spending a few hours near m, in a setting where i would not have chosen to be with him, where we would be in a 'social setting,' in other words, a place where i would never be able to speak to him privately.

i could not even HEAR him over the loud music. hearing him is crucial to the reality check which i am trying to get. i have reason to believe that he's a jerk whenever he's being himself and when he's drunk. i would like to hear the types of things he says when he's being a jerk. however, i doubt that this will fix anything - they make me do things based on my being suggestible, and it wouldn't matter if i had gotten used to the idea that he's a jerk and totally accepted that idea. the only information i had was ca (i have to distinguish her from c - i didn't plan ahead about how to use initials for people's names) who told me that m was making her angry and he had called her a $20 whore.

eventually i left - probably when 'they' told me to leave - because the music was just not danceable. and i was standing too close to m and therefore could not relax enough to feel unselfconscious.

there have been many incidents this summer of fake smells. this is a type of hallucination they induce. they did it to me many times, making me smell something that could not possibly be in the area at the time when i smelled it. every time they did it, they then asked me about it or commented about it afterwards, to refine how realistic of an experience it was. they always put it into an unbelievable context, and at too high of an intensity. real smells feel different from the fake smells, but it's hard to describe exactly how they differ. it has something to do with the way you inhale while smelling something. you feel as though the intensity of the smell is dependent upon the actions you take. if you move a certain direction, if you inhale more or less deeply, the experience changes with respect to the actions you take. the fake experiences of smelling something are disconnected from anything you do.

they told me that they were making people smell body odor whenever they were near me. in my experiments i found out that body odor doesn't get very intense at all unless it's like 80 degrees out. they were making people smell it all the time regardless of whether i actually smelled or not. it appears in certain circumstances, but not all the time, and then it goes away if you're inside an air-conditioned building, for instance. i would have had it for real, except i think they were still making people smell something that was artificial, something much more intense and distorted than the real thing.

this is part of the destructive saga going on. the goal was to get me attracted to a guy who i hadn't been really noticing before. it was the severus snape persona who first called my attention to m by 'informing' me that m was attracted to me. the severus snape persona is the one who 'i' supposedly tried to kill, several years ago, although i experienced another persona telling me what to say to him at the time. (if someone really does google this and reads it by sheer luck, i'll mention for their sake that i call the criminals a 'persona' even though i DO NOT believe they are actually a 'multiple personality.' instead, they are a person who exists separately outside my body; they operate computers which use an artificial intelligence program sometimes, and other times they speak to me more directly, but it ISN'T coming from inside my head. it comes from an outside attacker. it's just convenient to call them a persona.)

so, the severus snape persona has been involved with m from the very beginning. he would have intended malice and destruction from the instant that the whole thing started.

from what i can piece together, and i can't figure out much of it, since m won't communicate with me - m was probably calling me names and making fun of me for a while before we started talking to each other. i can't tell the whole story because it's too long.

the short summary: i was wearing dirty clothes for a long period of time because i had a chemical contamination disaster that caused me to throw away large amounts of my clothing, and i had to purchase new clothing every time the old stuff got contaminated. every time i tried to wash clothes, it spread the contamination around to all of the laundry, because a washer just sloshes the same dirty water around and around, in order to be conservative - it doesn't use lots and lots of fresh water applied continuously, which is what's needed for decontamination of any chemicals. so i just threw stuff in the garbage and bought new clothes if anything got contaminated. this meant that i just wore the same pieces of clothing for quite a few days until they got contaminated badly enough that i was having problems when i wore them.

not only did i wear dirty clothes, but also, i was taking showers once every couple days because i was working two jobs. i DID use deodorant back then, but that was a reluctant compromise, because it's one of the things i don't believe in using. i used a deodorant that's marketed towards organic/natural type people, although when you read the ingredients, it isn't really organic or natural - it just doesn't have some of the more toxic things that are in normal deodorant. i was using tom's of maine, calendula scent, most of the time. anyway, i have reason to think that he was probably calling me names and making fun of me back then. i can't find out any of this information because m himself cannot face me.

the severus snape persona, about him: several years ago, a few incidents occurred with him; he was characterized as a man in a wheelchair who could not control his bowels, and had to wear diapers. for him there was always a fear that he smelled bad to people in the workplace. there have been relentless attacks involving images and nightmares about people who smell like shit. they have even tried to say that body odor smells like shit, which it doesn't at all. it's a completely different smell. to some people it's very disgusting, and to other people it's tolerable; in the right context, with the right person, it can be intimate and erotic, but most people reject that idea because in the united states they have been taught that this is a shameful and disgusting thing.

i went to the bar, and discovered immediately that i could not dance if i was anywhere near m. (it's true, i didn't like the music much and it was too loud for me, both of which contributed to my finding it hard to dance. but the most important reason was because i was near m.) i wandered around the bar a few times, sometimes watching people at the pool table in the back, sometimes just looking for a location where the music wouldn't be so loud, and for a while, i stood in another area of the dance floor, out of m's line of sight. when i was there, i felt slightly more able to dance. but just then, ca came over and told me that m had called her a $20 whore. that's one reason why i was guessing it was a puppet incident. he may or may not act like a jerk when he's drunk, or when he's sober for all i know, but that would have been a good moment to do something like that.

ca told me, a week or two ago, that she and m have been fighting all the time. i didn't get this idea until i went to the bar with them, but it's possible m was referring to ca when he said 'i have a similar situation' (of being involved with a married person).

i remember when they brought m to my attention - the voices - and i remember that i cried, and cried, and cried, and said that i could not bear to ruin an innocent person. i felt certain that if they forced me to become involved with him in any way, if they got him connected with me and my life, then he too would become a puppet, a victim of the attacks. and i said 'i can't do it, i can't do it.' i wanted to avoid him in order to protect him, but actually, there was nothing i could do to protect him. if they chose to go after him, they would do it regardless of what i did. (i don't mean to portray him as a child, but this reminded me of the stories where a mother is holding a baby in her lap in a car crash, and the baby is torn out of her arms by the force of the impact - it doesn't matter what you do, you are going to lose it, because the car accident is at such a high speed that you cannot possibly protect yourself or hold something in your arms. this is the same as trying to protect somebody against psychotronic attacks: you simply cannot protect anyone unless you have a real physical shield and other countermeasures.)

they gave me an idealized vision of him, in the spring, when they began connecting me to him. it could actually be a true image, because puppeteering is real. they showed me a person who was intelligent and kind and perceptive, someone strong and courageous. but he was far away, unable to speak, trapped, a puppet who said whatever they made him say.

and i think, now, that they are making him say things so that he seems to be a jerk, an obnoxious and abusive person. and that it's not really him who says those things. this is a painful way of looking at him. i have no way to isolate him from the attacks to find out how he behaves when he speaks only his own original words, just as i don't know what i myself would be like speaking my own original words.

one time, they gave me a vision. i felt like i was somebody else, but it was someone so similar to me, it was like an alter ego of myself. it was a woman, and she felt full of courage and strength. it was what i should have been if i had been healthy. i don't know if my weakness is caused by just physical injuries and my other chemical problems, or if it's also the outside interference, the puppeteering of my personality, that causes me to be weak.

he was supposed to be a mirror image of me, the same personality type, because i said on my myspace page that i wanted to meet like-minded people with whom to work on projects.

back to the conflict. months ago, m would not have been able to see that i had whiskers, because i was bleaching them back then (as a compromise, so that i would not be cutting them or waxing them). it turns out that he has bad eyesight, which i had not known. this summer, they decided that right now was the time to stop bleaching them and go back to letting them grow dark the way that they used to. meanwhile, m was away for the summer and would not have seen me. he would not have known that i was now growing brown whiskers.

i don't know whether he's read anything i've written on my opera notes: the very first thing that they convinced me to believe was that he was hacking my computer and reading everything, and that there would be no need to tell him anything, since he knew it already. this is an absolutely crucial belief, crucial to the conflict, crucial to the destructive game they are playing, crucial to making both of us into victims and pawns. they won't even let me consider for an instant that maybe m doesn't know anything i've written about him. i can describe this belief in the detached manner that i have right now, while still believing it all along, every second - i cannot turn off that particular way of seeing things. it is an overall feeling that there's no urgency, no real need to communicate with him, since he already knows everything. they don't let you get a sense of perspective that you would normally have. in the real perspective, i would be able to look at him and see whether he behaved as though he knew everything already, or whether he behaved as though he was surprised by things i said to him.

not only that, but i just thought of something else. there is a guy who comes into the store who used to talk to me. i was still talking to him back when m.w. worked there in the deli (there are too many m's who have worked there - we joke about them all having the same name).

this guy somehow started talking to me frequently, ordering the little pizzas that we used to have. i remember how it started. i apologized to him because i had a hard time making his pizza. i said that none of the ingredients had been there, and i had to get them off the shelves, and that these pizzas were notorious for being time-consuming, labor-intensive, and difficult to prepare, and that was why it took so long. he understood and appreciated the fact that i told him why it was so difficult to do.

then he started returning frequently and talking to me about various things. but he talked longer and longer and i wasn't comfortable with having a fifteen-minute conversation while i was on the clock. he talked about computers and technical gadgets, and he had been in the military. i was able to fake my way through the conversation: i understood just enough of it to be able to talk about it, but in reality, it was a strain, and these weren't subjects i was interested in. i am interested in 'technical gadgets' only as it pertains to what i need to do, what i need to research, what i need to test, in order to understand the attacks and make a shield that works.

i didn't know how much of a strain it was and how uncomfortable i was, talking to him, until one day when an incident happened with m.w. the guy approached and was talking to me for a few minutes, when m.w. interrupted because he needed something, i forget what, and i ended up excusing myself and walking away. what i felt was a great relief not to be stuck in this uncomfortable, strained, unnatural conversation, where i felt constantly anxious about talking while i was on the clock, and i felt that i always had to 'prove how smart i was' by saying 'yes, i know how to do this or that on the computer, i've formatted the hard drive, etc, etc.' and he was giving me things like a linux cd, which i didn't want and didn't ask for, since i already have an ubuntu cd that i was planning to install someday. and again, i'm not interested in talking about computers for the sheer entertainment of talking about computers. fixing the computer is something i learned how to do because of the hackers, not because i just love talking about computers and knowing about them and studying computers for the sheer fascination of studying computers. i am really not that interested in them. i learned it as a skill resulting from the attacks, not because i WANTED to learn anything about computers. but that was all he wanted to talk about: technical gadgets, computers, etc, and i felt that behind that, there was a sexual attraction which i did not reciprocate. that was another feeling that added to the discomfort.

(i sometimes remind myself of that man whenever i think about m refusing to speak to me. i myself am now avoiding this man whenever he walks around the store, and i'm refusing to speak to him. so i do a role reversal and imagine that the military guy is me, and i'm m, and m has all those same feelings i felt, the unnaturalness of the conversation, of things being wrong and strained and you can't feel comfortable talking to that person. it helps me to think of this, to force me to stay away from m, to leave him alone and refrain from 'stalking' him, if i remind myself of the reasons why i stopped talking to the military guy and am now avoiding him - m would be avoiding me for the same reasons. i am the annoying military guy who wastes fifteen to twenty minutes of your time talking about subjects you're not interested in, with an unreciprocated sexual attraction towards you, while you're punched in and getting nagged by your supervisor about the fact that you keep getting out of work later than you're supposed to, and you can't afford to waste 15-20 minutes talking to some guy.)

so the one day when m.w. pulled me away from him, i suddenly noticed my feeling of relief and relaxation. i noticed how great it felt not to be stuck in that conversation anymore. meanwhile, i was beginning to bond with m (the original m, not m.w. - it's difficult to do these initials), and was becoming focused on him, and wanted to direct my conversations and my friendship/social needs towards him, and i felt a sense of loyalty, as though this man (whose name i do not know - i never asked him his name) was a threat to my 'relationship' with m. i put 'relationship' in quotes, because the relationship did not exist - it was something that existed only in the brainwashing that they were constantly giving me.

there are some aspects of the 'relationship' that were, and are, real. this is the stuff he would know if he really were reading my notes on the computer, but he might not know if he's only reading my blog (or not reading anything). it'll be more censored than my notes. it's intended for him to read. i would give him this link address someday if i felt the need to show him this.

he knows that i write about the brainwashing, about the artificialness of the relationship, about the fact that they constantly push me to 'stalk' him, and that i constantly fight back against it, trying to be realistic, trying to leave him alone, trying to avoid getting arrested again for harassment.

what i don't write in my blog is the real aspects of the relationship. i won't put much of it here, because it's still not natural for me to express feelings to somebody who wants to avoid me. it's not entirely fake, it's not entirely brainwashing. they picked someone who i really would be physically attracted to, but then did things to distort the relationship and make it painful and impossible for us to interact normally with each other. i had been ignoring all attractive men. some part of my mind registered him as attractive. they picked him out and probably pushed him to do the things which i wrote about - they're calling it 'making passes at me,' but 'making passes' is a phrase that i myself don't usually use. however, it's an accurate phrase. i think it wasn't his own idea to do that. he touched my fingers one day and i loved being touched. i loved looking in his eyes. right now, i avoid looking at him at all, because i enjoy looking at him, but i do not want to push someone who avoids me. it is a constant battle to avoid intruding/stalking/pushing him to do anything that he does not want to do. normally i would have just given up and gone back to ignoring him, except that they still wake me up every day thinking about him, and they still put thoughts of him into my head all day long.

there are two conflicting perceptions that they put into my head, and since i can't interact with him, there is no way to learn how he really feels. one perception is the 'jerk' image, where he makes fun of me, particularly about my grooming practices. the other perception is the exact opposite, that supposedly he is in love with me, that i'm all that he wants, that i'm very important to him, that he reads everything i write and he admires me. there are many variations on these two basic perspectives. they are all so contradictory that i call the whole thing bullshit. there is no way to know anything at all except by asking the real person.

that is actually more like the behavior of an enneagram type three, not a six, and m is a six. - or, rather, i'm assuming that m is a six. it would be a type three who loved somebody but had to make fun of that person because society said that something about that person was bad, something about their grooming or anything else non-mainstream and non-conforming about them was bad. i could get complicated and say 'maybe it's a type six disintegrating towards three.' it doesn't matter. i won't know anything until and unless i interact with m.

the 'stalking' concept/fantasy is based on the idea that he's not responsible for what i'm doing, and he is portrayed as a reluctant person who wouldn't really want this, and nobody has to know that he actually does want it. it looks like some woman is following him, going to the bar and trying to get in with his friends and sending him facebook requests and all that.

i never told him the admiration is mutual and that i loved reading his emails and wish i could read more of his writing. (i can't say that i 'love' HIM, but i can say that i love various specific things, like reading the emails.) i asked him if he could do ten-finger typing on the keyboard because it makes a big difference in how easy it is to write large amounts of material. it's much more efficient. i used to do a kind of three-finger typing where i had to look down at the keyboard to see what letter i was on. i wanted to look at his facebook page because i was hoping, not just to see photographs, but to read a blog he had written. i don't know if he has one. and i don't really need to be his facebook friend - it was only because his profile won't let you look unless you're a friend. but i was hoping that he had written a lot and that i could read it. i would absorb his writing style and imitate whatever i liked about it.

well, that is what they woke me up with. they woke me up with the 'jerk-who's-making-fun-of-you' way of looking at things. i'd prefer to have a 'real person who has complex, conflicting motives' way of looking at things.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Sometimes it feels like almost all of my speech is fake.

I've been semi-jokingly calling the phenomenon 'puppetmouth.' If I weren't hearing voices, then I'd do a lot less talking and a lot more doing. Most of what I say, think about, and feel, all day long, is influenced by 'them.' They say things that have a double meaning which is sexual, or things that are insulting to somebody. It's exhausting to try to filter them out and say my own thoughts - I don't know how to identify which thoughts are my own, and not only that, but the larger context is almost always something I wouldn't have been doing anyway if it hadn't been for them.

For instance, if I write a blog at 3AM, I wouldn't have been doing that at all in the first place, except that somebody zapped me awake and wouldn't let me go back to sleep. So if blogs were written at 3AM, chances are they're talking about subjects that somebody WANTS me to talk about. But then, that's actually true all day long - it's just that it's much more obvious that I wouldn't even be blogging at all at 3AM.

You can put this into an even larger context - if it hadn't been for 'them,' my entire life would have been different in many ways, and I wouldn't have been in this particular place doing this particular thing right now. So it can either be at the low-level or the higher-level context where I was doing some activity that wasn't my own idea.

In real life, I am NOT insulting, judgmental, cruel, abusive, etc, the way that I often get portrayed. 'They' freak out over relatively minor, trivial things and make it the end of the world, when I myself would have said it was no big deal. I can think of a few examples. I often hear them ruthlessly, cruelly insulting people's physical appearance and making fun of them at times when I myself never would.

Making fire by friction using wheel and axle; Community

Yesterday I was reading about primitive survival methods. I read about how to start fires. We've seen it on cartoons - they sit there for hours spinning a piece of wood against another piece of wood, and nothing happens. That's a pretty accurate representation of reality.

The website explained how to troubleshoot this problem. For instance, the wood has to crumble into a very fine powder instead of large chunks. That depends on what kind of wood it is. So today, I went out with my camera and took a bunch of tree and leaf pictures so I could learn to identify trees. I recognize a few very basic trees - I might be able to say that something is an oak or a maple, and I can distinguish between pine trees and deciduous trees. But there are a lot of obscure things like ash and elder that I have no clue about. (The website people were in California, so they used California plants and trees. I would have to adapt it to local trees.)

When I woke up this morning, somebody was talking to me about starting fires by friction. They said that perhaps it had originally been discovered by accident when somebody made a wheel and an axle both out of wood, before people were using metal. Of course, this would be a very friction-intense wheel. It would be the exact opposite of what people are usually trying to do when they build engines and wheels with as little friction as possible. Then this cave-person loaded up the wooden-wheeled cart with a bunch of heavy objects and pushed it down a hill at high speed. Perhaps then the wheels caught on fire. Maybe it was a really big hill and a really heavy load on the cart.

I wonder if this would work? If it worked, it would be a great lazy way to start a fire by friction. It would be hilarious to see it actually happen.

The same site (http://www.primitiveways.com/fire_from_ice.html) showed a guy starting a fire by focusing light through a lens made out of ice. I love the idea and feel skeptical about it at the same time. They showed photos, but that's not the same as seeing it done in front of you, or actually doing it yourself - and doing it repeatedly and reliably, at will.

My interest in primitive survival methods is a rebellion against my whole 'domesticated' lifestyle. It's a desire to prove that I could do it myself if I had to. It's also anxiety from losing every high-paying job I ever had as a result of the intermittent economic bubbles caused by our monetary system. If I really lived in a primitive community, it would be okay to make progress and invent ways to make our lives easier. I'm more interested in finding ways to separate from the fiat money system, rather than preventing the community from inventing and making their own tools and things that might become gradually more advanced. So it isn't an anti-progress belief, or valuing primitive methods merely for the fact that they are primitive. The most important goal is to reduce the number of items that we have to purchase using money. (That includes matches and lighter fluid, which is why I looked into firemaking.)

If it were done in reality, we would probably start off with a lot of simple, basic items that were durable goods and wouldn't need to be purchased very often. It would be okay to go out there with a modern magnifying glass or some kind of tinderbox or flint that wouldn't wear out. But we wouldn't want to rely on items that had to be purchased again and again, like gasoline. Some pre-made durable goods would be okay, but we'd feel better knowing that we could do without them or make them ourselves eventually, or make substitutes for them.

I'd also like to avoid rent payments on our land, so it would have to be a squatter settlement or nomadic group. (That's not easy to plan. It looks like the group would always be in danger of government harassment, even if we were living on land that nobody was using.) Anyway, that's another topic. The whole idea is just at the fantasy stage, not a practical plan stage.

I sometimes look at things in terms of 'What is the root of all evil?' What is the most central, most important thing you know of that causes most of the problems in the world? Some of my answers have been 'government,' 'fiat money,' and 'drugs/chemicals/malnutrition/diseases.' Some people grew up in very strict religious households and are much more aware of 'bad religion/bad belief systems' than I am. I grew up in an agnostic household with no pressure to believe in any particular religion or philosophy. But I'm aware that bad belief systems are one of the roots of all evil.

Now, my latest answer to that question is: 'loss of community.' I can think of so many ways that my life would have been easier if I were protected by a community with a strong (but reasonable) set of rules and guidelines for how to live life, how to avoid dangers, how to learn what you need to know to survive as an adult. You're always surrounded by a community, but it's a community of people randomly thrown together who aren't consciously cooperating to achieve their goals. Many of their goals are in conflict with each other. And many of the goals that I want to see in the community exist only in small numbers of people who have to work really hard to find each other over long distances.

Anyway, I need to build a community that serves the purposes I value most, working with people who already agree and don't have to be convinced. They won't need to be paid to do research, because they themselves already want to know those same answers that I want to know.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Friday, October 10, 2008

Impatiently waiting for chickens to hatch so that I can count them.

I talked to McDonalds - a different store than the one where I originally worked - and gave them an application.

I filled out the application during one of my days off, just this Tuesday. I used my miniscule dosage of St. John's Wort in order to help me focus on doing this anxiety-ridden activity of filling out a job application, which is always difficult for me. I have to fill out a check box saying 'I have never been convicted of a crime, except for a really bizarre thing that I was forced against my will to do, when I was on drugs and didn't know mind control was real, and other than that, I haven't been convicted of anything.' It's always difficult to fill out that checkbox on the job application.

When I went to work at Kentucky Fried Chicken, a few years ago, I had to fill out a similar checkbox. The manager got to know me, and when we were having a conversation after I had worked there for a while, he mentioned in a roundabout way that he had a 'friend' in Harrisburg who had been able to locate the hidden, invisible, nonexistent, expunged, not-accessible-to-the-public, not-on-the-record, ARD file of what I had been convicted of. In other words, having your ARD file 'expunged' just means that the file will be moved to some other cabinet where you have to know the right person to bribe in order to see the file. He said that it was okay and that it wasn't going to cause any problems with my employment. But the result was that during that conversation, I informed him that I hear voices in my head and have had a lot of 'mental' problems because of it.

I wasn't sure if the file was 'expunged' at the time when that occurred, or not, but I was under the impression that the file was inaccessible to anybody from the very beginning, and that I could say 'I've never been convicted of anything' on my job applications. I was under the impression that my employers wouldn't be going to Harrisburg and finding someone to open that file cabinet.

Anyway, that checkbox is one of the major stressors involved in filling out job applications.

I wouldn't have to get a second job if there were no such thing as mandatory overtime pay for all hours worked over forty hours... but that's another story.

When I gave them the application at McD, everyone I spoke to sounded like they would be happy to rehire me. It wasn't the same store where I got fired/quit because of the day when I left work because of the bleach and ammonia fumes. But I have to wait and see whether there are any technical or bureaucratic problems having to do with my previous quit/firing. They might not be allowed to rehire me because of that. It really is stupid because all of the 'ordinary' people I spoke to, at the store level, were glad to see me. I had worked with one of the people at the other store and he knew me already. If it were up to them, they'd say yes. It's only the paperwork thing saying I might not be allowed to get rehired.

If I get a second income I will feel much more relaxed about a lot of things and I will be able to do more of the things I want to do. I wasn't ready to permanently quit McDonald's last December. I tried to negotiate with them and the store manager wouldn't return my calls. Several other former employees told the same story - they had a problem, tried to call the manager, couldn't get a hold of him, and never received any calls back, and as a result, they just disappeared and never came back, and nobody knew whether they quit or got fired. I'm pretty sure in that particular situation that the manager himself really wasn't calling anyone back.

It reminds me of the types of things that happen to me, where I meet new people and then they totally stop calling/emailing and I can't contact them. I joined a Yahoo group the other day, a support group for electronic harassment survivors. One of the very first web pages I read (stopcovertwar.com) mentioned the problem of 'calls and emails get redirected and answering machine messages get deleted.' When I read that (and yes, actually I've seen that particular web page before, so I was rereading a familiar page) I felt annoyed, reassured, and frustrated at the same time. I recognized that problem, and believed it, but at the same time, there really are situations where a human being, on his/her own, just fails to return calls and letters. I always want them to emphasize that sometimes, there is a mundane explanation for things that happen - in spite of the 'non-mundane' events that are always going on at the same time.

Those web pages gave me the same feelings that I noticed years ago: it is a very discouraging, negative message about how impossible it is to protect yourself against the attacks. That's why I've wanted to start my own websites or groups where I will not say those same things that the other mind control websites are saying. I don't have time to write about it now - I have to get ready for work. Anyway, by joining the group, I at least did one small thing towards connecting with other people. But it is a passive thing - I'm not required to take any action, or meet real people face to face - I can just lurk at the web page and passively read things other people have written. Much of the material is stuff I've seen before, and I don't understand it any better now (at the technical level) than I ever did in the past. In the long term, I still need to meet real 'fellow sufferers' in person and talk to them, do research, observe our mental phenomena, do tests to see if things change whenever we try some attempt at a shield or try moving to some different location, etc. The moral support of working with somebody will give us all more energy.

I searched for blogs containing the phrase 'mind control' at wordpress.com and while I was looking through those results, I found one person describing a dream he had had. (I don't have time right now to go look for that URL.) He said that in the dream, he was going into a museum-type building, where the security guards kept pushing him out and wouldn't let him walk around to look at anything. He felt that the museum represented his own mind. (I've had similar dreams where I'm exploring a large mansion full of hidden trapdoors and secret passageways and it represents my mind.) Eventually, he managed to grab a couple of pamphlets before the guard pushed him away, and when he got outside, he and his friends worked together to understand the tiny bits of information in the pamphlets so that they could figure out how to reclaim his mind from the guards who were pushing him out. When I read that, I started crying. I felt immediately that I understood the dream and that I recognized everything in it as representing my own feelings. That's exactly what I want to do - work together with people so that we can try to assemble what little information we have - and there isn't much available to the public - it's all in classified government documents - to figure out what to do.

Guantanamo Uighurs: the guards are more of a threat than they are

Caution: this is an extremely negative subject I'm writing about here. I don't want people to worry about me personally - I'm fine. This is just what I 'heard' when I woke up the other day.

*****

There was a major loss in the Guantanamo battle.

There was a court case over whether they would release the Uighurs (pronounced WEE-gurs), a group of people from China who we're pretty sure are innocent and weren't attacking the United States. The court case was lost - the Uighurs will stay where they are for now, in Guantanamo.

Catbert told Dilbert that he was an analog; all summer, I interacted with 'them' about how my own personal life was analogous to world events like the war in Iraq.

I woke up the other day and they were talking about being an 'analog,' and heard them telling me that this Guantanamo case represented another major loss analogous to my own battles I'm fighting. (Most of their attacks have to do with fecal material, so of course, they would have used the opportunity to mention the 'analog' joke.)

But, during this 'talk,' they said that the people deemed a security risk, if released from Guantanamo, weren't the prisoners. They're the guards and employees themselves.

If you release the guards and other employees from Guantanamo, and tell them 'You just spent seven years torturing helpless, weak, innocent people who did nothing wrong, and you gained no valuable information by doing so, and now we want you to go back to living a normal life,' then the guards are going to leave the prison, go home to their families, and go to work for about a week or two before they murder their wives and children and then kill themselves.

The prisoners of Guantanamo know themselves to be innocent. They are psychologically protected, to some tiny degree, by that knowledge. Knowledge of your own innocence is the last tiny shield you have when you are wrongfully convicted of a crime and tortured. In that way, the prisoners of Guantanamo are psychologically healthier than the guards.

The guards are the ones who can no longer be trusted to walk out into the world and refrain from shooting bullets into a crowd of strangers at the mall.

Also, we don't know what drugs they're on. A lot of people in the military are on antidepressants and other drugs. This makes them more obedient. If you suddenly give them new drugs, or stop the drugs they're on, or put them into a stressful situation while they're continuing to use those drugs even at the dosages considered 'normal,' there's a chance that those prison guards will 'go postal.' Former members of the military are ALREADY going postal. It wouldn't be quite so bad if they ONLY killed themselves, but the antidepressants and other psychiatric drugs seem to make people do a very consistent, reliable pattern of killing a bunch of random people and then killing themselves. (There have been some reports of military people who ONLY committed suicide, not homicide.) If you ever see news reports about the multiple-homicide-followed-by-suicide pattern, ALWAYS ask whether that person was using psychiatric drugs at the time. Drugs are such a strong cause of this behavior that they can almost be described as the ONLY cause of this behavior.

And now they're afraid to stop anything, afraid to change anything, afraid to remove those soldiers from Iraq, afraid to remove those guards from Guantanamo, afraid of what they'll do when they suddenly go back to normal life and they're expected to behave like decent human beings instead of people who obey authority and spend years torturing innocent prisoners because the government told them to.

The prisoners just want to go home and go back to living their peaceful, innocent lives, as they were doing before. They're not the ones with the problem.

That was what 'the voices' were talking to me about this morning. I think they can sympathize with that whole thing. If you spend years zapping people awake at night, zapping their thoughts while they try to meditate, ruining their relationships, forcing them to be someone else instead of being themselves, forcing them to say and do things that they would not otherwise have done on their own because somebody decided that it's 'for our own good' if we're forced to do this, then sooner or later you might feel like a bad person for doing that. I think those attackers know how it feels to be a prison guard at Guantanamo, and to be told that the prisoners are innocent, and the guards are no longer employed.

So it's a combination of being in the military, going back to a normal life afterwards, using psychiatric drugs, and knowing that all of their atrocities were committed against normal, innocent people - THAT is the security risk. The prisoners themselves will probably be okay after they're released.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

it's just the same stupid stuff over and over.

what did you learn from this horrible experience?

1. knowing that mind control exists doesn't give me the ability to fight back against it. when they drugged me (with the drugs that weren't my own), i couldn't prevent them from doing that. when they hypnotized me to do things and say things, i couldn't stop them from hypnotizing me and i couldn't prevent myself from doing those things. when i used my own drugs for my own purposes, as i normally would, they took the opportunity to make me do things while i was more suggestible. when they made me see things a certain way, or interpret them a certain way, i couldn't see outside of that interpretation, especially if i was on drugs or in a suggestible state. i know all about mind control, but time and time again they were still able to make me do whatever they wanted me to do. merely knowing it exists isn't enough protection against it. (this also implies that it would be safe to break the taboo to the entire population of the world and not be worried about a 'rebellion' or anything. people would complain, but they would still be controllable, for anybody who still intends to control them. and they would not have any means of protecting themselves against the influence, even if they all knew about it.)

2. i lost. i didn't have the resources or the knowledge to protect myself against the attacks and the manipulation. i still don't. i HATE being forced to do things i wasn't ready to do - forced by an outside attacker, forced by the actions of criminals. i have to fight it every day, over and over again, the same crap. they say the same things to me; they push the same buttons; every day i fight them again and again. it never ends. they caused some terrible things to happen and i can't do anything to fix all the damage they caused. i lost, not just one time, but every day. 'losing' is the most accurate way to describe my situation. i am not succeeding, i am not achieving any of the things i want to achieve, or getting any of the things i want. i'm losing. it is a direct conflict between me and malicious attackers who initiate force against weaker people. it is not merely a challenge against 'reality' or 'nature,' but against human evil. some people say 'we will not accept defeat.' that's the same as saying 'we will not accept reality.' sometimes, you REALLY DO lose a battle - that's reality.

3. i learned a little bit, not much, but a little, about interacting with people younger than i am. i had hardly any friends at all in my life, and for whatever reason, i always looked for people who were quite a bit older than i am. (i'm referring to my adulthood. when i was back in school, i associated with people my own age.) i never looked around for people my own age or younger. i didn't actually search for friends at all, not intentionally. but when i happened to meet new friends just by accident, i somehow only met older people, and didn't stay connected with anyone else. i'm not sure what this means about me. there is a big difference in how you relate to older people, people your own age, and younger people. i am going to seek out friends, and a spouse, deliberately, instead of waiting for accidents or good luck to bring people to me. this is extremely difficult because, for whatever reason, i find it almost impossible to feel close to anyone, to feel trust, to be open with someone, to know that i can say whatever i need to say, to feel understood, to be myself. so, i gained the awareness that as i look for more people to be close to, i can look for them in a larger group, more categories, instead of just (for whatever reason) older people.

4. this incident also made it obvious that if i don't have nearby friends (hello to all down in west virginia, i know you're still out there, and anyone around here too, i just don't really hang around with anyone really no matter where you are, so...), people who i see every day, people who i can go out and do things with, or talk on the phone with, or cooperate with, or get help from, then i am vulnerable to these attackers trying to force me to 'stalk' any person who shows the slightest interest in me or is being nice to me or whatever. the vulnerability is from needing people really badly, but not admitting that i need them. i absolutely must have real people interacting with me every day or else i am vulnerable to this manipulation.


**********


it's really hard to explain it to anybody who doesn't experience the voices in their head the way i do. i really, really do have 'separate people' who are telling me to do things. if i didn't hear their voices all the time, and feeling the emotions and urges that they trigger, then i would easily just accept reality. if someone rejects me, if someone says 'no' for any reason, i DO take no for an answer. however, the type of people who use electronic devices to put voices in someone else's head are NOT mentally healthy, reality-accepting, taking-no-for-an-answer type of people. that's quite clear from their behavior. if someone was a healthy, reality-accepting person, then they would go out and interact with REAL people instead of FORCING weak, unprotected people to listen to them and do what they say all day long. they would interact with people on a VOLUNTARY basis instead of forcing helpless people to listen to them whether they want to or not. and for whatever reason, THEY decided that instead of taking 'no' for an answer, instead they are going to bombard me all day long, every day, with beliefs and feelings and urges and commands that i have to go talk to this person, write to this person, call this person, find out why he's not answering, interrogate him about what the problem is, etc. instead of just taking a 'laissez faire' approach - hands off, leave it alone - they cannot accept defeat, they cannot take no for an answer, and they want to make me keep bothering someone who doesn't want to be bothered. that is not what the 'real me' would do in the real world.

well, so far, i am having trouble getting up the courage to do deliberate searching. mostly i've been struggling to use facebook and set up a profile there, which is a nuisance and a hassle, but i think facebook will be useful if i get over the learning curve. i have other places where i will be looking to meet people too.

they're doing their constant lies and crap right now, this very instant, while i write, while i walk around the apartment. it never ends. there is no way to disconnect from it. even if it isn't a specific 'voice' or a statement, it's an overall feeling, an overall belief, a whole way of looking at things, a group of vague assumptions, an attitude: it's this overall belief saying 'he still wants you to talk to him, you should go try, you should keep calling, you should keep writing, etc, etc, etc.' DO NOT STALK SOMEONE BECAUSE THE VOICES IN YOUR HEAD TOLD YOU TO! this is the TYPICAL, cliche example of how people get arrested and go to jail or a mental hospital! the police will laugh in your face if you tell them that you kept on repeatedly calling and writing letters to somebody because the voices in your head kept telling you that he wanted to hear from you! this is the classic, typical, familiar, cliche that people make fun of whenever they imagine tinfoil-hat wearing, voices-hearing people running around 'doing what the voices told them to do!'

*******

i know that fellow sufferers exist, because i read their web pages on the net, and i've learned everything i know about mind control from those web pages. i want to find people who live close enough that we can see each other in person - people who live in pennsylvania and would be willing to spend an hour here and there to make plans, to talk about our experiences, to do research, to feel understood. i think that this really is the biggest obstacle to feeling deeply connected with anybody - that they don't understand or don't believe what's going on inside my head, every day - how constant it is, how overwhelming it is, how much it interferes with other things i would like to do. if you aren't experiencing it yourself, then you get sick of hearing the same old complaints every single day, over and over again. wahh, wahh, i had a bad dream. wahh, wahh, they woke me up at 3 AM and wouldn't let me fall back asleep until two minutes before my alarm clock went off. wahh, wahh, they're putting subliminal message whispers over the intercom at work every day and it makes me angry every single time it happens. wahh, wahh, they keep telling me things i have to say to this guy who refuses to communicate with me. it's THE SAME STUFF EVERY DAY and it NEVER ENDS. and if you don't experience this harassment yourself, it gets REALLY OLD to hear about it over and over again!

and how much i hate them sometimes, when i feel sick, or when i've lost a job, or when i have some urgent problem that requires a lot of thinking and planning but instead they force irrelevant fantasies into my head while i'm thinking, or when i choose to use my antidepressant because it helps me get things done that i really need to do and instead, they use it as an opportunity to get me to do other things when i'm suggestible; when they wake me up when i really need sleep and i know how much better i'd feel if i were sleeping as much as i wanted to; when they talk to me constantly while i try to meditate or think about anything at all. how it feels to hate somebody and to feel helpless to stop them from attacking you, every hour of every day, and to not have any idea who they are or where they are. and when we talk to the government or law enforcement agencies about this, they deny that it exists, they tell us we're crazy, or they throw us in a mental hospital.

this is a terrible time in human history, with regard to mental health and original thought and freedom of religion/meditation and freedom to be who we are. (and more specifically i'm noticing that i personally feel worse and worse as we go into the winter season, when the days are shorter, and the colds and flu are neverending, and the cold temperatures make my whole body ache.) i will feel more optimistic in the spring, but right now i feel miserable.

i hope that after a while, they will quit trying to force me to communicate with somebody who doesn't want to communicate. it gets really old after a while and i am sick of it.