Impatiently waiting for chickens to hatch so that I can count them.

I talked to McDonalds - a different store than the one where I originally worked - and gave them an application.

I filled out the application during one of my days off, just this Tuesday. I used my miniscule dosage of St. John's Wort in order to help me focus on doing this anxiety-ridden activity of filling out a job application, which is always difficult for me. I have to fill out a check box saying 'I have never been convicted of a crime, except for a really bizarre thing that I was forced against my will to do, when I was on drugs and didn't know mind control was real, and other than that, I haven't been convicted of anything.' It's always difficult to fill out that checkbox on the job application.

When I went to work at Kentucky Fried Chicken, a few years ago, I had to fill out a similar checkbox. The manager got to know me, and when we were having a conversation after I had worked there for a while, he mentioned in a roundabout way that he had a 'friend' in Harrisburg who had been able to locate the hidden, invisible, nonexistent, expunged, not-accessible-to-the-public, not-on-the-record, ARD file of what I had been convicted of. In other words, having your ARD file 'expunged' just means that the file will be moved to some other cabinet where you have to know the right person to bribe in order to see the file. He said that it was okay and that it wasn't going to cause any problems with my employment. But the result was that during that conversation, I informed him that I hear voices in my head and have had a lot of 'mental' problems because of it.

I wasn't sure if the file was 'expunged' at the time when that occurred, or not, but I was under the impression that the file was inaccessible to anybody from the very beginning, and that I could say 'I've never been convicted of anything' on my job applications. I was under the impression that my employers wouldn't be going to Harrisburg and finding someone to open that file cabinet.

Anyway, that checkbox is one of the major stressors involved in filling out job applications.

I wouldn't have to get a second job if there were no such thing as mandatory overtime pay for all hours worked over forty hours... but that's another story.

When I gave them the application at McD, everyone I spoke to sounded like they would be happy to rehire me. It wasn't the same store where I got fired/quit because of the day when I left work because of the bleach and ammonia fumes. But I have to wait and see whether there are any technical or bureaucratic problems having to do with my previous quit/firing. They might not be allowed to rehire me because of that. It really is stupid because all of the 'ordinary' people I spoke to, at the store level, were glad to see me. I had worked with one of the people at the other store and he knew me already. If it were up to them, they'd say yes. It's only the paperwork thing saying I might not be allowed to get rehired.

If I get a second income I will feel much more relaxed about a lot of things and I will be able to do more of the things I want to do. I wasn't ready to permanently quit McDonald's last December. I tried to negotiate with them and the store manager wouldn't return my calls. Several other former employees told the same story - they had a problem, tried to call the manager, couldn't get a hold of him, and never received any calls back, and as a result, they just disappeared and never came back, and nobody knew whether they quit or got fired. I'm pretty sure in that particular situation that the manager himself really wasn't calling anyone back.

It reminds me of the types of things that happen to me, where I meet new people and then they totally stop calling/emailing and I can't contact them. I joined a Yahoo group the other day, a support group for electronic harassment survivors. One of the very first web pages I read (stopcovertwar.com) mentioned the problem of 'calls and emails get redirected and answering machine messages get deleted.' When I read that (and yes, actually I've seen that particular web page before, so I was rereading a familiar page) I felt annoyed, reassured, and frustrated at the same time. I recognized that problem, and believed it, but at the same time, there really are situations where a human being, on his/her own, just fails to return calls and letters. I always want them to emphasize that sometimes, there is a mundane explanation for things that happen - in spite of the 'non-mundane' events that are always going on at the same time.

Those web pages gave me the same feelings that I noticed years ago: it is a very discouraging, negative message about how impossible it is to protect yourself against the attacks. That's why I've wanted to start my own websites or groups where I will not say those same things that the other mind control websites are saying. I don't have time to write about it now - I have to get ready for work. Anyway, by joining the group, I at least did one small thing towards connecting with other people. But it is a passive thing - I'm not required to take any action, or meet real people face to face - I can just lurk at the web page and passively read things other people have written. Much of the material is stuff I've seen before, and I don't understand it any better now (at the technical level) than I ever did in the past. In the long term, I still need to meet real 'fellow sufferers' in person and talk to them, do research, observe our mental phenomena, do tests to see if things change whenever we try some attempt at a shield or try moving to some different location, etc. The moral support of working with somebody will give us all more energy.

I searched for blogs containing the phrase 'mind control' at wordpress.com and while I was looking through those results, I found one person describing a dream he had had. (I don't have time right now to go look for that URL.) He said that in the dream, he was going into a museum-type building, where the security guards kept pushing him out and wouldn't let him walk around to look at anything. He felt that the museum represented his own mind. (I've had similar dreams where I'm exploring a large mansion full of hidden trapdoors and secret passageways and it represents my mind.) Eventually, he managed to grab a couple of pamphlets before the guard pushed him away, and when he got outside, he and his friends worked together to understand the tiny bits of information in the pamphlets so that they could figure out how to reclaim his mind from the guards who were pushing him out. When I read that, I started crying. I felt immediately that I understood the dream and that I recognized everything in it as representing my own feelings. That's exactly what I want to do - work together with people so that we can try to assemble what little information we have - and there isn't much available to the public - it's all in classified government documents - to figure out what to do.