it's just the same stupid stuff over and over.

what did you learn from this horrible experience?

1. knowing that mind control exists doesn't give me the ability to fight back against it. when they drugged me (with the drugs that weren't my own), i couldn't prevent them from doing that. when they hypnotized me to do things and say things, i couldn't stop them from hypnotizing me and i couldn't prevent myself from doing those things. when i used my own drugs for my own purposes, as i normally would, they took the opportunity to make me do things while i was more suggestible. when they made me see things a certain way, or interpret them a certain way, i couldn't see outside of that interpretation, especially if i was on drugs or in a suggestible state. i know all about mind control, but time and time again they were still able to make me do whatever they wanted me to do. merely knowing it exists isn't enough protection against it. (this also implies that it would be safe to break the taboo to the entire population of the world and not be worried about a 'rebellion' or anything. people would complain, but they would still be controllable, for anybody who still intends to control them. and they would not have any means of protecting themselves against the influence, even if they all knew about it.)

2. i lost. i didn't have the resources or the knowledge to protect myself against the attacks and the manipulation. i still don't. i HATE being forced to do things i wasn't ready to do - forced by an outside attacker, forced by the actions of criminals. i have to fight it every day, over and over again, the same crap. they say the same things to me; they push the same buttons; every day i fight them again and again. it never ends. they caused some terrible things to happen and i can't do anything to fix all the damage they caused. i lost, not just one time, but every day. 'losing' is the most accurate way to describe my situation. i am not succeeding, i am not achieving any of the things i want to achieve, or getting any of the things i want. i'm losing. it is a direct conflict between me and malicious attackers who initiate force against weaker people. it is not merely a challenge against 'reality' or 'nature,' but against human evil. some people say 'we will not accept defeat.' that's the same as saying 'we will not accept reality.' sometimes, you REALLY DO lose a battle - that's reality.

3. i learned a little bit, not much, but a little, about interacting with people younger than i am. i had hardly any friends at all in my life, and for whatever reason, i always looked for people who were quite a bit older than i am. (i'm referring to my adulthood. when i was back in school, i associated with people my own age.) i never looked around for people my own age or younger. i didn't actually search for friends at all, not intentionally. but when i happened to meet new friends just by accident, i somehow only met older people, and didn't stay connected with anyone else. i'm not sure what this means about me. there is a big difference in how you relate to older people, people your own age, and younger people. i am going to seek out friends, and a spouse, deliberately, instead of waiting for accidents or good luck to bring people to me. this is extremely difficult because, for whatever reason, i find it almost impossible to feel close to anyone, to feel trust, to be open with someone, to know that i can say whatever i need to say, to feel understood, to be myself. so, i gained the awareness that as i look for more people to be close to, i can look for them in a larger group, more categories, instead of just (for whatever reason) older people.

4. this incident also made it obvious that if i don't have nearby friends (hello to all down in west virginia, i know you're still out there, and anyone around here too, i just don't really hang around with anyone really no matter where you are, so...), people who i see every day, people who i can go out and do things with, or talk on the phone with, or cooperate with, or get help from, then i am vulnerable to these attackers trying to force me to 'stalk' any person who shows the slightest interest in me or is being nice to me or whatever. the vulnerability is from needing people really badly, but not admitting that i need them. i absolutely must have real people interacting with me every day or else i am vulnerable to this manipulation.


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it's really hard to explain it to anybody who doesn't experience the voices in their head the way i do. i really, really do have 'separate people' who are telling me to do things. if i didn't hear their voices all the time, and feeling the emotions and urges that they trigger, then i would easily just accept reality. if someone rejects me, if someone says 'no' for any reason, i DO take no for an answer. however, the type of people who use electronic devices to put voices in someone else's head are NOT mentally healthy, reality-accepting, taking-no-for-an-answer type of people. that's quite clear from their behavior. if someone was a healthy, reality-accepting person, then they would go out and interact with REAL people instead of FORCING weak, unprotected people to listen to them and do what they say all day long. they would interact with people on a VOLUNTARY basis instead of forcing helpless people to listen to them whether they want to or not. and for whatever reason, THEY decided that instead of taking 'no' for an answer, instead they are going to bombard me all day long, every day, with beliefs and feelings and urges and commands that i have to go talk to this person, write to this person, call this person, find out why he's not answering, interrogate him about what the problem is, etc. instead of just taking a 'laissez faire' approach - hands off, leave it alone - they cannot accept defeat, they cannot take no for an answer, and they want to make me keep bothering someone who doesn't want to be bothered. that is not what the 'real me' would do in the real world.

well, so far, i am having trouble getting up the courage to do deliberate searching. mostly i've been struggling to use facebook and set up a profile there, which is a nuisance and a hassle, but i think facebook will be useful if i get over the learning curve. i have other places where i will be looking to meet people too.

they're doing their constant lies and crap right now, this very instant, while i write, while i walk around the apartment. it never ends. there is no way to disconnect from it. even if it isn't a specific 'voice' or a statement, it's an overall feeling, an overall belief, a whole way of looking at things, a group of vague assumptions, an attitude: it's this overall belief saying 'he still wants you to talk to him, you should go try, you should keep calling, you should keep writing, etc, etc, etc.' DO NOT STALK SOMEONE BECAUSE THE VOICES IN YOUR HEAD TOLD YOU TO! this is the TYPICAL, cliche example of how people get arrested and go to jail or a mental hospital! the police will laugh in your face if you tell them that you kept on repeatedly calling and writing letters to somebody because the voices in your head kept telling you that he wanted to hear from you! this is the classic, typical, familiar, cliche that people make fun of whenever they imagine tinfoil-hat wearing, voices-hearing people running around 'doing what the voices told them to do!'

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i know that fellow sufferers exist, because i read their web pages on the net, and i've learned everything i know about mind control from those web pages. i want to find people who live close enough that we can see each other in person - people who live in pennsylvania and would be willing to spend an hour here and there to make plans, to talk about our experiences, to do research, to feel understood. i think that this really is the biggest obstacle to feeling deeply connected with anybody - that they don't understand or don't believe what's going on inside my head, every day - how constant it is, how overwhelming it is, how much it interferes with other things i would like to do. if you aren't experiencing it yourself, then you get sick of hearing the same old complaints every single day, over and over again. wahh, wahh, i had a bad dream. wahh, wahh, they woke me up at 3 AM and wouldn't let me fall back asleep until two minutes before my alarm clock went off. wahh, wahh, they're putting subliminal message whispers over the intercom at work every day and it makes me angry every single time it happens. wahh, wahh, they keep telling me things i have to say to this guy who refuses to communicate with me. it's THE SAME STUFF EVERY DAY and it NEVER ENDS. and if you don't experience this harassment yourself, it gets REALLY OLD to hear about it over and over again!

and how much i hate them sometimes, when i feel sick, or when i've lost a job, or when i have some urgent problem that requires a lot of thinking and planning but instead they force irrelevant fantasies into my head while i'm thinking, or when i choose to use my antidepressant because it helps me get things done that i really need to do and instead, they use it as an opportunity to get me to do other things when i'm suggestible; when they wake me up when i really need sleep and i know how much better i'd feel if i were sleeping as much as i wanted to; when they talk to me constantly while i try to meditate or think about anything at all. how it feels to hate somebody and to feel helpless to stop them from attacking you, every hour of every day, and to not have any idea who they are or where they are. and when we talk to the government or law enforcement agencies about this, they deny that it exists, they tell us we're crazy, or they throw us in a mental hospital.

this is a terrible time in human history, with regard to mental health and original thought and freedom of religion/meditation and freedom to be who we are. (and more specifically i'm noticing that i personally feel worse and worse as we go into the winter season, when the days are shorter, and the colds and flu are neverending, and the cold temperatures make my whole body ache.) i will feel more optimistic in the spring, but right now i feel miserable.

i hope that after a while, they will quit trying to force me to communicate with somebody who doesn't want to communicate. it gets really old after a while and i am sick of it.