going to the bar and ignoring m

as before, i will begin this one in the style of the notes that i write - just an informal style without any capital letters. it won't always be that way. i just sometimes feel like it's easier to write without hitting the shift key.

retmeishka is a word made up by using glossolalia. i have invented phonetic words for many years, but i don't remember whether i was doing it before i listened to the cocteau twins. that's a band where the woman sometimes sings in real words, and other times in syllables that resemble language but aren't.

this is my 'invisible audience' blog. the invisible audience only works when there's actually nobody there. if somebody is there, then it doesn't work anymore. this is out in the world more than my notes on the computer. it is more censored than they are, but less censored than my other blog. it won't be read by anyone who knows me, IF they aren't hacking. the hackers will of course know where i went. they knew about retmeishka since the day i set it up.

so there IS an audience here - it's whoever googles this or searches some piece of text by accident, which is unlikely to happen very often.

the purpose is: to give m a place to read what i write about him, without my having to send him emails. he can choose to read it or not. i can choose to give him the link address if i feel that i need to do that. it is disconnected from my other blogs and so i feel less need to censor myself. (if i had a better income, i might not worry so much about censoring my writing. i could be more open and honest about what's going on in my life. but i worry at all times about people like my employers who will read what i've written.)

when i woke up, i heard m saying 'yeah, but does she think i have stink goggles?' then they said 'you're better than he is, you're much better.' that wasn't m, that was whoever gave me the audio.

this is part of the ongoing saga that began in the spring of this year. it will be difficult to tell the story, because they keep jumping in, interrupting, and trying to make me tell the story THEIR way.

but i think that THIS year, the achievement they wanted to destroy was my studying bookkeeping and accounting with the schaum's outline book. that is the project i was working on whenever they began to set up the conflict between me and m.

m is a puppet. he does what they tell him to do, but apparently, he can also invent obnoxious things of his own to say. i've tried to get him to spend time with me outside work so that i could find out what he's like as a real person.

they have been trying to get me to stalk him. it has been months and months of endless, constant brainwashing - a bombardment of voices and thoughts pretending to be him. you wake up every morning with thoughts of him in your head and they're trying to convince you to believe this or that, while you're asleep and hypnotized, and you CAN'T HELP believing whatever they tell you.

this is, again, slightly more censored than my opera notes, but less censored than my usual blog.

the 'stink goggles' comment - i could begin with the incident associated with that. that doesn't tell everything that began in the springtime, in chronological order, but it will get me started.

many months ago i told c that i was attracted to m and was trying to communicate with him. it was right around that time that m stopped answering calls or emails. i think i mentioned to c the fact that he had done only a few emails back and forth and then stopped.

c had told me that she and m usually went to a bar on wednesdays. she invited me once, i think, and back then, i said no, thanks, since i don't drink and wouldn't have been comfortable. i also wasn't comfortable with the idea that i was hanging out with her at a bar merely to get close to m. i felt like i was using her, because that would have been the only reason i went there: i wouldn't go there to enjoy the music or the alcohol, and c herself is someone i don't have enough in common with to really feel close to.

in the sentence before 'stink goggles,' somebody would have said something to the effect of 'she was hoping you would have beer goggles on,' which in and of itself is already going in a bad direction. that was another issue, but it's too much of a story to tell it all now.

i was not, in reality, 'hoping he had beer goggles on.' i went there with a particular frame of mind that began several weeks ago: that somebody had physically attacked me (not m, but the criminals), offered me something i wanted, and then taken it away. that is a frame of mind that says something is hopeless, something is destroyed, where i have no control over what they do, and i know that they are doing evil.

here is a short summary of what they did.

at the beginning of summer, they convinced me to go back to my old way of growing my mustache whiskers without bleaching them or doing anything to them. this is a pseudo-religious belief that i have (in spite of being an atheist) about not cutting or changing any hair on my body.

they also convinced me to do an experiment to find out how people react to body odor. i could explain where that idea came from but it wouldn't be a 'short summary' anymore. i did, in fact, go along with this, and have been doing the experiment. now you can probably put the pieces together and foresee what happened.

c invited me to go to the bar with them. she was a puppet. i'd explain what i think led up to that, and it's almost impossible to keep a short story short, so i won't. i said yes, i would go.

that night, i dressed in dirty clothes that had not been washed for a couple weeks. this is something that would not be understood by anyone - how could i rationalize something like that, they would wonder. at the time when i did it, there was no anger or hatred, for instance. i felt as calm and normal as i always do - perhaps even numb. i had used st. john's wort on monday, and by wednesday, i would be going into withdrawal, but still would be more suggestible than usual.

the dose was very low, as always, but i am suggestible when i use it no matter how low the dose is. i was able to tolerate the idea of going to a bar with people who i can't talk to, people who don't understand my world at all, when i don't drink, don't smoke, and can't stand most of the music they play at bars. i was able to tolerate the idea of spending a few hours near m, in a setting where i would not have chosen to be with him, where we would be in a 'social setting,' in other words, a place where i would never be able to speak to him privately.

i could not even HEAR him over the loud music. hearing him is crucial to the reality check which i am trying to get. i have reason to believe that he's a jerk whenever he's being himself and when he's drunk. i would like to hear the types of things he says when he's being a jerk. however, i doubt that this will fix anything - they make me do things based on my being suggestible, and it wouldn't matter if i had gotten used to the idea that he's a jerk and totally accepted that idea. the only information i had was ca (i have to distinguish her from c - i didn't plan ahead about how to use initials for people's names) who told me that m was making her angry and he had called her a $20 whore.

eventually i left - probably when 'they' told me to leave - because the music was just not danceable. and i was standing too close to m and therefore could not relax enough to feel unselfconscious.

there have been many incidents this summer of fake smells. this is a type of hallucination they induce. they did it to me many times, making me smell something that could not possibly be in the area at the time when i smelled it. every time they did it, they then asked me about it or commented about it afterwards, to refine how realistic of an experience it was. they always put it into an unbelievable context, and at too high of an intensity. real smells feel different from the fake smells, but it's hard to describe exactly how they differ. it has something to do with the way you inhale while smelling something. you feel as though the intensity of the smell is dependent upon the actions you take. if you move a certain direction, if you inhale more or less deeply, the experience changes with respect to the actions you take. the fake experiences of smelling something are disconnected from anything you do.

they told me that they were making people smell body odor whenever they were near me. in my experiments i found out that body odor doesn't get very intense at all unless it's like 80 degrees out. they were making people smell it all the time regardless of whether i actually smelled or not. it appears in certain circumstances, but not all the time, and then it goes away if you're inside an air-conditioned building, for instance. i would have had it for real, except i think they were still making people smell something that was artificial, something much more intense and distorted than the real thing.

this is part of the destructive saga going on. the goal was to get me attracted to a guy who i hadn't been really noticing before. it was the severus snape persona who first called my attention to m by 'informing' me that m was attracted to me. the severus snape persona is the one who 'i' supposedly tried to kill, several years ago, although i experienced another persona telling me what to say to him at the time. (if someone really does google this and reads it by sheer luck, i'll mention for their sake that i call the criminals a 'persona' even though i DO NOT believe they are actually a 'multiple personality.' instead, they are a person who exists separately outside my body; they operate computers which use an artificial intelligence program sometimes, and other times they speak to me more directly, but it ISN'T coming from inside my head. it comes from an outside attacker. it's just convenient to call them a persona.)

so, the severus snape persona has been involved with m from the very beginning. he would have intended malice and destruction from the instant that the whole thing started.

from what i can piece together, and i can't figure out much of it, since m won't communicate with me - m was probably calling me names and making fun of me for a while before we started talking to each other. i can't tell the whole story because it's too long.

the short summary: i was wearing dirty clothes for a long period of time because i had a chemical contamination disaster that caused me to throw away large amounts of my clothing, and i had to purchase new clothing every time the old stuff got contaminated. every time i tried to wash clothes, it spread the contamination around to all of the laundry, because a washer just sloshes the same dirty water around and around, in order to be conservative - it doesn't use lots and lots of fresh water applied continuously, which is what's needed for decontamination of any chemicals. so i just threw stuff in the garbage and bought new clothes if anything got contaminated. this meant that i just wore the same pieces of clothing for quite a few days until they got contaminated badly enough that i was having problems when i wore them.

not only did i wear dirty clothes, but also, i was taking showers once every couple days because i was working two jobs. i DID use deodorant back then, but that was a reluctant compromise, because it's one of the things i don't believe in using. i used a deodorant that's marketed towards organic/natural type people, although when you read the ingredients, it isn't really organic or natural - it just doesn't have some of the more toxic things that are in normal deodorant. i was using tom's of maine, calendula scent, most of the time. anyway, i have reason to think that he was probably calling me names and making fun of me back then. i can't find out any of this information because m himself cannot face me.

the severus snape persona, about him: several years ago, a few incidents occurred with him; he was characterized as a man in a wheelchair who could not control his bowels, and had to wear diapers. for him there was always a fear that he smelled bad to people in the workplace. there have been relentless attacks involving images and nightmares about people who smell like shit. they have even tried to say that body odor smells like shit, which it doesn't at all. it's a completely different smell. to some people it's very disgusting, and to other people it's tolerable; in the right context, with the right person, it can be intimate and erotic, but most people reject that idea because in the united states they have been taught that this is a shameful and disgusting thing.

i went to the bar, and discovered immediately that i could not dance if i was anywhere near m. (it's true, i didn't like the music much and it was too loud for me, both of which contributed to my finding it hard to dance. but the most important reason was because i was near m.) i wandered around the bar a few times, sometimes watching people at the pool table in the back, sometimes just looking for a location where the music wouldn't be so loud, and for a while, i stood in another area of the dance floor, out of m's line of sight. when i was there, i felt slightly more able to dance. but just then, ca came over and told me that m had called her a $20 whore. that's one reason why i was guessing it was a puppet incident. he may or may not act like a jerk when he's drunk, or when he's sober for all i know, but that would have been a good moment to do something like that.

ca told me, a week or two ago, that she and m have been fighting all the time. i didn't get this idea until i went to the bar with them, but it's possible m was referring to ca when he said 'i have a similar situation' (of being involved with a married person).

i remember when they brought m to my attention - the voices - and i remember that i cried, and cried, and cried, and said that i could not bear to ruin an innocent person. i felt certain that if they forced me to become involved with him in any way, if they got him connected with me and my life, then he too would become a puppet, a victim of the attacks. and i said 'i can't do it, i can't do it.' i wanted to avoid him in order to protect him, but actually, there was nothing i could do to protect him. if they chose to go after him, they would do it regardless of what i did. (i don't mean to portray him as a child, but this reminded me of the stories where a mother is holding a baby in her lap in a car crash, and the baby is torn out of her arms by the force of the impact - it doesn't matter what you do, you are going to lose it, because the car accident is at such a high speed that you cannot possibly protect yourself or hold something in your arms. this is the same as trying to protect somebody against psychotronic attacks: you simply cannot protect anyone unless you have a real physical shield and other countermeasures.)

they gave me an idealized vision of him, in the spring, when they began connecting me to him. it could actually be a true image, because puppeteering is real. they showed me a person who was intelligent and kind and perceptive, someone strong and courageous. but he was far away, unable to speak, trapped, a puppet who said whatever they made him say.

and i think, now, that they are making him say things so that he seems to be a jerk, an obnoxious and abusive person. and that it's not really him who says those things. this is a painful way of looking at him. i have no way to isolate him from the attacks to find out how he behaves when he speaks only his own original words, just as i don't know what i myself would be like speaking my own original words.

one time, they gave me a vision. i felt like i was somebody else, but it was someone so similar to me, it was like an alter ego of myself. it was a woman, and she felt full of courage and strength. it was what i should have been if i had been healthy. i don't know if my weakness is caused by just physical injuries and my other chemical problems, or if it's also the outside interference, the puppeteering of my personality, that causes me to be weak.

he was supposed to be a mirror image of me, the same personality type, because i said on my myspace page that i wanted to meet like-minded people with whom to work on projects.

back to the conflict. months ago, m would not have been able to see that i had whiskers, because i was bleaching them back then (as a compromise, so that i would not be cutting them or waxing them). it turns out that he has bad eyesight, which i had not known. this summer, they decided that right now was the time to stop bleaching them and go back to letting them grow dark the way that they used to. meanwhile, m was away for the summer and would not have seen me. he would not have known that i was now growing brown whiskers.

i don't know whether he's read anything i've written on my opera notes: the very first thing that they convinced me to believe was that he was hacking my computer and reading everything, and that there would be no need to tell him anything, since he knew it already. this is an absolutely crucial belief, crucial to the conflict, crucial to the destructive game they are playing, crucial to making both of us into victims and pawns. they won't even let me consider for an instant that maybe m doesn't know anything i've written about him. i can describe this belief in the detached manner that i have right now, while still believing it all along, every second - i cannot turn off that particular way of seeing things. it is an overall feeling that there's no urgency, no real need to communicate with him, since he already knows everything. they don't let you get a sense of perspective that you would normally have. in the real perspective, i would be able to look at him and see whether he behaved as though he knew everything already, or whether he behaved as though he was surprised by things i said to him.

not only that, but i just thought of something else. there is a guy who comes into the store who used to talk to me. i was still talking to him back when m.w. worked there in the deli (there are too many m's who have worked there - we joke about them all having the same name).

this guy somehow started talking to me frequently, ordering the little pizzas that we used to have. i remember how it started. i apologized to him because i had a hard time making his pizza. i said that none of the ingredients had been there, and i had to get them off the shelves, and that these pizzas were notorious for being time-consuming, labor-intensive, and difficult to prepare, and that was why it took so long. he understood and appreciated the fact that i told him why it was so difficult to do.

then he started returning frequently and talking to me about various things. but he talked longer and longer and i wasn't comfortable with having a fifteen-minute conversation while i was on the clock. he talked about computers and technical gadgets, and he had been in the military. i was able to fake my way through the conversation: i understood just enough of it to be able to talk about it, but in reality, it was a strain, and these weren't subjects i was interested in. i am interested in 'technical gadgets' only as it pertains to what i need to do, what i need to research, what i need to test, in order to understand the attacks and make a shield that works.

i didn't know how much of a strain it was and how uncomfortable i was, talking to him, until one day when an incident happened with m.w. the guy approached and was talking to me for a few minutes, when m.w. interrupted because he needed something, i forget what, and i ended up excusing myself and walking away. what i felt was a great relief not to be stuck in this uncomfortable, strained, unnatural conversation, where i felt constantly anxious about talking while i was on the clock, and i felt that i always had to 'prove how smart i was' by saying 'yes, i know how to do this or that on the computer, i've formatted the hard drive, etc, etc.' and he was giving me things like a linux cd, which i didn't want and didn't ask for, since i already have an ubuntu cd that i was planning to install someday. and again, i'm not interested in talking about computers for the sheer entertainment of talking about computers. fixing the computer is something i learned how to do because of the hackers, not because i just love talking about computers and knowing about them and studying computers for the sheer fascination of studying computers. i am really not that interested in them. i learned it as a skill resulting from the attacks, not because i WANTED to learn anything about computers. but that was all he wanted to talk about: technical gadgets, computers, etc, and i felt that behind that, there was a sexual attraction which i did not reciprocate. that was another feeling that added to the discomfort.

(i sometimes remind myself of that man whenever i think about m refusing to speak to me. i myself am now avoiding this man whenever he walks around the store, and i'm refusing to speak to him. so i do a role reversal and imagine that the military guy is me, and i'm m, and m has all those same feelings i felt, the unnaturalness of the conversation, of things being wrong and strained and you can't feel comfortable talking to that person. it helps me to think of this, to force me to stay away from m, to leave him alone and refrain from 'stalking' him, if i remind myself of the reasons why i stopped talking to the military guy and am now avoiding him - m would be avoiding me for the same reasons. i am the annoying military guy who wastes fifteen to twenty minutes of your time talking about subjects you're not interested in, with an unreciprocated sexual attraction towards you, while you're punched in and getting nagged by your supervisor about the fact that you keep getting out of work later than you're supposed to, and you can't afford to waste 15-20 minutes talking to some guy.)

so the one day when m.w. pulled me away from him, i suddenly noticed my feeling of relief and relaxation. i noticed how great it felt not to be stuck in that conversation anymore. meanwhile, i was beginning to bond with m (the original m, not m.w. - it's difficult to do these initials), and was becoming focused on him, and wanted to direct my conversations and my friendship/social needs towards him, and i felt a sense of loyalty, as though this man (whose name i do not know - i never asked him his name) was a threat to my 'relationship' with m. i put 'relationship' in quotes, because the relationship did not exist - it was something that existed only in the brainwashing that they were constantly giving me.

there are some aspects of the 'relationship' that were, and are, real. this is the stuff he would know if he really were reading my notes on the computer, but he might not know if he's only reading my blog (or not reading anything). it'll be more censored than my notes. it's intended for him to read. i would give him this link address someday if i felt the need to show him this.

he knows that i write about the brainwashing, about the artificialness of the relationship, about the fact that they constantly push me to 'stalk' him, and that i constantly fight back against it, trying to be realistic, trying to leave him alone, trying to avoid getting arrested again for harassment.

what i don't write in my blog is the real aspects of the relationship. i won't put much of it here, because it's still not natural for me to express feelings to somebody who wants to avoid me. it's not entirely fake, it's not entirely brainwashing. they picked someone who i really would be physically attracted to, but then did things to distort the relationship and make it painful and impossible for us to interact normally with each other. i had been ignoring all attractive men. some part of my mind registered him as attractive. they picked him out and probably pushed him to do the things which i wrote about - they're calling it 'making passes at me,' but 'making passes' is a phrase that i myself don't usually use. however, it's an accurate phrase. i think it wasn't his own idea to do that. he touched my fingers one day and i loved being touched. i loved looking in his eyes. right now, i avoid looking at him at all, because i enjoy looking at him, but i do not want to push someone who avoids me. it is a constant battle to avoid intruding/stalking/pushing him to do anything that he does not want to do. normally i would have just given up and gone back to ignoring him, except that they still wake me up every day thinking about him, and they still put thoughts of him into my head all day long.

there are two conflicting perceptions that they put into my head, and since i can't interact with him, there is no way to learn how he really feels. one perception is the 'jerk' image, where he makes fun of me, particularly about my grooming practices. the other perception is the exact opposite, that supposedly he is in love with me, that i'm all that he wants, that i'm very important to him, that he reads everything i write and he admires me. there are many variations on these two basic perspectives. they are all so contradictory that i call the whole thing bullshit. there is no way to know anything at all except by asking the real person.

that is actually more like the behavior of an enneagram type three, not a six, and m is a six. - or, rather, i'm assuming that m is a six. it would be a type three who loved somebody but had to make fun of that person because society said that something about that person was bad, something about their grooming or anything else non-mainstream and non-conforming about them was bad. i could get complicated and say 'maybe it's a type six disintegrating towards three.' it doesn't matter. i won't know anything until and unless i interact with m.

the 'stalking' concept/fantasy is based on the idea that he's not responsible for what i'm doing, and he is portrayed as a reluctant person who wouldn't really want this, and nobody has to know that he actually does want it. it looks like some woman is following him, going to the bar and trying to get in with his friends and sending him facebook requests and all that.

i never told him the admiration is mutual and that i loved reading his emails and wish i could read more of his writing. (i can't say that i 'love' HIM, but i can say that i love various specific things, like reading the emails.) i asked him if he could do ten-finger typing on the keyboard because it makes a big difference in how easy it is to write large amounts of material. it's much more efficient. i used to do a kind of three-finger typing where i had to look down at the keyboard to see what letter i was on. i wanted to look at his facebook page because i was hoping, not just to see photographs, but to read a blog he had written. i don't know if he has one. and i don't really need to be his facebook friend - it was only because his profile won't let you look unless you're a friend. but i was hoping that he had written a lot and that i could read it. i would absorb his writing style and imitate whatever i liked about it.

well, that is what they woke me up with. they woke me up with the 'jerk-who's-making-fun-of-you' way of looking at things. i'd prefer to have a 'real person who has complex, conflicting motives' way of looking at things.