Wednesday, July 30, 2008

my grandmother

I don't have time to write a really long post right now because it's almost time for work. I'll tell the detailed version of the story later on.

On Monday my maternal grandmother died, in New Jersey. I went to visit her. But I didn't get to speak with her, because she went into a coma and never woke up, and she was barely alive for several hours and finally died as I arrived at the hospital.

A lot of the family had gone to visit her, and they kept telling her that Nicole was on the way. But I got stuck in a huge traffic jam near Philadelphia because of road construction, and then I got lost, oddly enough, because I was too busy talking on the phone to my uncle about how to get to the hospital, and wasn't paying attention to where I was driving. So I got lost because he was telling me how to get there. That would've been funny, except for the circumstances.

I had decided already that she would probably die before I got there, so I was resigned to it. I was going anyway. I didn't rush.

My uncle called my cell phone when I was in the lobby of the hospital. He mentioned out loud that Nicole had arrived, that I was there. She died very quickly after hearing that - I could make a joke that perhaps I just have that effect on people. They had seen signs that she could hear what they were saying - every time someone spoke to her, her breathing rate (shown on a monitor) would go up, so they explained it by saying that she probably understood that I had arrived, and I was safe, and she did not need to wait any longer. It didn't really matter when she died, because she was never going to speak again.

I have heard stories before about people postponing their own death for a little while because they were waiting for something, waiting for the right moment. Since I haven't seen people die - in fact, I don't think I've ever seen someone die, I've only seen them AFTER they died - then I really don't know how often that happens. It sounds plausible to me.

Well, I have to go to work. I'll tell the rest of it later.

Oh, also, I have one of my top ten worst facial sunburns of my life, as a result of this trip. That's because I decided to go to Six Flags, and then the beach, while I was in New Jersey, and I was outdoors from about 9:45 AM until maybe 5:00, and then after that, I drove my car westwards into the setting sun for the rest of the day. My face is now hot pink. I hate the color hot pink more than almost any other color on earth.

So that's what happened this weekend and the past couple days.

Monday, July 28, 2008

How odd.

I always reread my blogs to check for spelling mistakes or any other problem. I reread the last entry at least four times. I never noticed that, the whole time I did this, every time I saw the word 'Siberia' the image of Antarctica was in my mind. I saw Antarctica on the map. Ever since that phrase appeared several days ago, I've been picturing Antarctica. It's a place with hardly any life. Antarctica doesn't have butterflies, I think. Siberia is in Russia. It probably has butterflies. Siberia was a prison camp, but it was also known as a terribly cold, snowy, icy place. The similarity was just enough that I believed it. I just spent several days believing Siberia was actually Antarctica. The symbol still means the same thing in a general way, but it's slightly different.

That particular female problem did occur with the new tooth fillings, but it was temporary. I just didn't mention it.

I have memory problems, especially with nouns and names. This makes me wonder how many times I have said or written something that meant something totally different from what I thought I was saying, because I used the wrong noun. That's yet another way that hidden or confusing meanings can get through. You never know whether it was accidental or whether somebody intended to do it.

When they woke me up a few minutes ago, they said the phrase 'Siberian Huskies.' I heard that, and I got confused. I know there are no huskies in Antarctica. It took me a minute to realize that Siberia isn't Antarctica. I will probably get confused about the two of them for the rest of my life.

Now I will probably find out that actually, there are millions of huskies in Antarctica. Probably butterflies too.

Prison Camps

They've asked me several times about my mentioning a holocaust-like image, of trains filled with people, in the poem I wrote. It's hard to answer that question directly, because whenever I write those poems, I'm under the influence of herbal drugs, and I'm incorporating words and phrases that were said by voices I heard. So the poems don't originate within me by myself. I do the hard work of making them have a little bit of rhythm and rhyme and grammar, and making one idea lead to another, and that counts as being responsible for the poem. But the ... I don't like to use the word 'inspiration' here, because it's not really like that. But the original source of it, the person who said this or that phrase, was external.

The holocaust image, they're saying, seems unusually extreme. The holocaust involved the murders of millions of people, and my experiences have been nowhere near that terrible. I agree that it hasn't been as bad as that.

When I read my own poems, I actually find them embarrassing, and I avoid reading them again after they're done and posted on the blog. It's definitely not normal for me to express myself in that particular way. I have intense feelings but I keep them to myself. If I do write about my feelings, I don't try to force other people to read about them, but instead keep them on my computer.

This is causing some conflict, or some urging, from the people who have read what's on my computer and see it as valuable information. I know how Obama feels, when he put his prayer on the prayer wall, and somebody took it and read it and told the whole world what it said. Sure, he didn't say anything shameful or abnormal. The content of the prayer was just a nice, normal, religious thing to say.

That's kind of like what happened to me a few years ago when I first became aware of the phenomenon of computer hacking. That story leads directly into the recent events, but the story is very long. I'd have to deliberately shorten it. It's crucial to understanding how I gradually became aware of 'the voices' and related phenomena.

The short version of this story goes like this.

While living with a former boyfriend, in the winter of 1999-2000, I felt depressed and lonely one night while he was at work. So I went to an internet chatroom. I learned immediately that if you become emotionally attached to total strangers in a chatroom, they can disappear suddenly without warning and you have absolutely no way to ever contact them. Since I had no experience with chatrooms, I had no idea how bad it would be.

(I'm shortening the story! I go over the details of it in my mind, and more and more stuff appears.)

I met more than one person and then very quickly lost them, in a very brief period of time. This went on over a period of months. Then I started talking to a guy who called himself Nerdman. We had several conversations, but a few things went wrong, very early on. It's hard to remember exactly what was wrong. He was somehow being evasive or indirect with me. He spoke to me in symbols that I didn't understand, in such a way that it made fun of me. I hate to use the 'n-word,' naive, because it expresses contempt towards the person who was so-called naive. When you use that word it means that they ought to have known better, that they did something stupid, that it's bad to be naive - it's one of the words that bitter, cynical old people say to young people, to destroy their innocence. I think that being innocent is a good thing, not something to make fun of. So, I know OTHER people would have called me naive, but that's not the word I would use. I was trusting, and trust is a good thing, not a bad thing.

This type of incident is the exact reason why fans of the Myers-Briggs test, on the forums, have major flamewars over the intuitive/sensing variable. Intuitives speak in symbols. Sensors take things literally.

For instance, one of 'them' the other day wanted to give me a 'random phrase' using two totally irrelevant words that meant an impossible thing that couldn't exist. This was in the 'freefalling' blog. I caught it as soon as they said it. The random phrase was 'Siberian Butterflies.' Siberian butterflies? Impossible! There are no butterflies in Siberia. End of story. When I hear something like that I just dismiss it as random, and I pay no further attention to it. In that way, they put offensive, insulting symbols into my writing without my being aware of it. 'Siberian butterflies,' translated literally, means 'Frigid Female Genitalia.' And this type of 'encrypted' message happens all the time. They were making fun of me because of all the 'female problems' I was having with the tooth fillings.

In a mind control situation, or even in a real-person relationship, symbols can be used to secretly control and humiliate someone and make them look stupid. It works best if somebody else nearby is able to understand the meaning of the symbols. If you try this and it's only you and the victim, nobody else can appreciate how 'superior' you are. Imagine that I'm standing with two other people, both of whom are 'in on' the secret symbol jokes. One of them starts talking to me about Siberian butterflies. I have no clue what I'm talking about, so I innocently chat about Siberian butterflies, in my world where 'sometimes a cigar is only a cigar,' as Freud said. Meanwhile, the two other people are laughing over me because I have no idea that I'm actually talking about frigid female genitalia. Ha ha ha, we made Nicole talk about sexual organs when she didn't intend to talk about that.

So I distrust symbols because they're so often used to insult and degrade people. At least, with mind control victims, they are. If I had freedom of association - the freedom to spend time with people I like, and avoid people I dislike - I would not spend time with people who did that. But in a mind control situation, you have no choice about who you spend time with. You spend 24 hours a day with people you loathe. The criminals attacking you are disgusting, evil people who don't feel any guilt about ruining people's lives. I know it because I have lived through years and years of this and I have seen that they don't mind MAKING PEOPLE DIE. They really do not mind killing people. For victims who are more unfortunate than I have been, the result is a suicide or homicide. I was lucky to have just enough social support that I did not become completely, totally isolated - from likeable people who I CHOSE to spend my time with.

Not all symbol-users are malicious. Many of them, or most of them, are kind, loving, intelligent people who just think in a different way than I do. It's just something that the Myers-Briggs system explains. However, it only takes a couple of malicious jerks to ruin the privilege for everybody else. I hate all symbols because they're been used to make me look stupid or used as sexual harassment.

Well, getting back to the chatroom guy. He started doing things like that. He was talking about a goat. To me, a goat is only a goat. So, for some strange reason, we imagined this goat. But then he would tell me that the goat fell into a hole and it died. I got upset because the cute little imaginary goat got killed. I saw it as something like one of those little cyberpets, the cartoon animals that you click the mouse on and interact with them. Meanwhile, he was actually talking about sexual organs. That was his way of feeling superior and making fun of me, while avoiding talking about sex directly.

The intuitives (in the flamewars) would object to this description. They'd say 'It's supposed to be FUN talking to each other in secret symbols!' Yes, but that assumes that you both know what you're talking about. It isn't fun if one person takes it literally and the other person means it symbolically.

I can't even say the word 'flamewars' without worrying, now, because I just recently watched the movie 'A Series of Unfortunate Events,' and I've read all the books a while back and I know everything that happens in them. There's a lot of stuff about fire.

Nerdman used to be fascinated with nuclear bombs. To me, nuclear bombs were nothing but nuclear bombs. To a symbol-user, nuclear bombs are orgasms. I love the song 'We become silhouettes,' because it has a beautiful melody, and the content of the song seemed really sad, and somehow it triggered my feelings of loss and longing, very directly. I have that feeling, that millions of lives are being lost, people are dying and disappearing, people are taken away from me. I went to a webpage and read comments by some other people, and they loved the song exactly the same way I did, and they talked about how sad it was. But then, 'the voices' informed me that actually, he's talking about two people having sex, and the nuclear bombs represent orgasms. (He doesn't mention bombs directly in the song, although I haven't seen the video - maybe it's shown in the video. But 'silhouettes' comes from the observation that people and objects destroyed in a nuclear explosion sometimes leave recognizable shadows on the surface behind them.) That would mean that somebody out there is making fun of us, all of us who interpret the song as 'very sad' instead of 'very sexual.' Ha ha ha, all those ignorant fools think it's a sad, tragic song about grief and loss.

I've gotten used to the new interpretation, now, and it doesn't bother me as badly as it did in the beginning. But the 'original' interpretation is gone. I can no longer listen to the song and cry while imagining that it's the end of the world and people have died. There is relief in watching a 'tear-jerker' movie, sometimes - you need to be able to cry. I felt like that about that song.

I'm able to see it having both meanings at the same time, though. The interpretation can be non-logical. It's a bunch of contradictory interpretations thrown together that are 'additive' instead of logical. All the various ideas are together, not linear. It could be about a relationship that was lost and they used to have really good sex, or something. Or he doesn't have anybody, and he wishes he did.

For me personally, it was like a song about being stuck indoors all the time and avoiding the rest of the world because it wasn't a good place. The world might be collapsing and falling apart out there. I take walks sometimes, and I go shopping, but I almost always avoid socializing with anybody or doing anything fun, especially in recent years. I did more stuff when I was in college, when I lived in a dorm and had a group of friends nearby. But I didn't try to stay connected with them when I left college, because actually, they didn't respect me. I was really hyperactive back then and they thought I was just a silly, contemptible, weird person who didn't bother doing my homework. Some of them looked at me with envy and said, 'I wish *I* could just skip my homework!' There's nothing enviable about dropping out of classes, being unable to do what you want to do, and having no idea how to solve any of your problems. They thought I was LUCKY because I didn't care about anything. They thought that, of course, Nicole can't understand any real-world issues - she's naive. So that's why I didn't bother keeping in touch when I left school - you don't really want to continue talking to people who have no idea what your world is like.

Well, so here's what happened with Nerdman.

And this is obviously no longer a 'short version' of the story, since it went off into irrelevant tangents and my wordcount has exceeded whatever maximum wordcount I should have had. I've thought about doing that, just giving myself an arbitrary maximum number of words to use, no matter how difficult it would be to express it with that few words.

So, he was doing that secret-symbols thing, and I never really caught on to it. But I just started getting a bad feeling. I started getting a little angry but I couldn't explain why. It wasn't only the 'secret symbols.' He had a condescending attitude towards me.

I didn't do this consciously or deliberately - it was something that I did almost automatically: one day I went to the chatroom under another name, something he wouldn't recognize, and I just watched when he came in and he started asking around trying to find me - I just watched. I don't remember how I felt when I did this. I don't remember whether I felt numb - that's probably it. I also don't know whether this was something I did voluntarily, on my own, or whether I had begun experiencing 'puppet' phenomena yet. There's probably no way I'll ever know.

Well, I started talking to other people and avoiding him. And I left the chatroom for a week without warning him. I hadn't given him an email address. He had no way to contact me. So all he knew was that I was suddenly gone and he had no contact information. Then, I came back, but I went to a different room (at the same site). He found me in that room and we talked again. We finally gave each other our email addresses. It had been like something deliberate: we had avoided emailing each other, all those weeks, while talking, and it was based on mutual trust.

So we emailed each other a couple of times, and then, all of a sudden, he stopped replying.

I remembered something he told me. He told me that he had loved this one woman, once, but she had done something to insult him, humiliate him, really badly. He told me that he had 'punished' her by ignoring her forever afterwards while she desperately tried to apologize and make up with him. I understood this to mean somebody else, somebody he had known a long time ago.

I knew that that's exactly what was going on here. He stopped replying to my emails. It took a few tries and then I realized he wasn't going to reply anymore.

(It's interesting. I read a news article related to him. He was a teacher at a particular college, and the news article said that a friend of his committed suicide shortly after deciding to study psychic phenomena. I don't mean it's his fault. I just mean that he was associated with people interested in psychic phenomena, and that whatever the guy experienced, it was bad.)

So for a while, I was able to stop emailing him. I gave up and I was able to separate. But then, things started happening on my computer. Things started happening that led me to believe he was 'hacking into' my computer whenever I sent him emails. Back then, I knew absolutely nothing about computer hacking. I'm 33 years old. In my generation, we were only just beginning to get computers and the internet. Hacking was seen as something extremely rare and unusual that only happened with geniuses who had spent their entire lives obsessing over nothing but computers. I saw a couple movies that involved computer hacking: for instance, Wargames, and Ghost. (Ghost wasn't really about hacking, but it involved someone using a computer to steal money from bank accounts.)

So, back then, I had no idea that computer hackers had already gotten into every single computer system on the entire planet: the internet, the telephone systems, the videocamera systems, the cable TV and satellite systems, the credit and debit cards - everything. I gradually learned this, one attack at a time, one harassment incident at a time, as they demonstrated, one thing after another, this message: no matter where you go, no matter what you do, I see you, I watch you, I know what you're doing, I am superior, you are helpless and inferior, you cannot escape, it's hopeless. Your rage, your anger, your frustration, your ignorance, are all laughable, petty, ridiculous, contemptible. That is the message they sent to me.

So I observed things going wrong with my computer. Sometimes I misinterpreted ordinary events as being caused by hacking, when in fact they were my own fault. But other times I'm definitely sure that somebody was messing with the computer. I learned how to recognize things I was doing wrong, versus things that I could not possibly have caused to happen.

They started using it as a way to harass me, to get me angry and upset. If I stopped sending emails to Nerdman, they would do things to my computer. They gave me harassing telephone calls that could only have been arranged if someone had hacked into lots of OTHER computers, like the telemarketers' computer at credit card companies, or companies taking surveys. They were very specific. When I received the harassing phone calls, they would always be about something relevant, something I had been doing online, something I had written in an email to Nerdman, something they thought was entertaining or exciting or funny.

This is why I NEVER answer my landline phone. I don't have caller ID anymore on that phone. You know why I don't have caller ID anymore? Because they started using the caller ID as a means of harassing me. The information itself, on the caller ID message, would be something meaningful to me, even if I refused to pick up the phone. This isn't a real example, it's just something I'm making up, but imagine if I had written him an email about Siberian Butterflies. The phone would then ring, and the caller ID would show something having to do with Siberian Butterflies. I wouldn't even have to pick it up, I'd just read the caller's name, or whatever showed up on the little display.

They did the same thing to my Zone Alarm firewall. I used to try to understand the attacks on my firewall, when I first got it. But then, they would do these attacks where the information itself was meaningful, in whatever type of attack it was - I'd go to the zone alarm website, and I'd read that the attacker's location was Siberia. A real example: I went to Burlington Coat Factory once, and afterwards, I started getting calls and attacks that said 'Burlington.'

So I don't pick up the telephone. But they try to trick me into it. Nowadays I hear voices telling me that somebody really is trying to call me, and I'd really want to answer the phone, and they're desperately trying to reach me. But I know from past experience not to believe that for a second. It's happened many, many times before. They'd trick me into thinking it's Nerdman calling me, and I'd pick up and it's some telemarketer trying to sell butterflies (continuing on the 'Siberian Butterflies' example). They especially do that kind of thing if you're in the bathroom. They make the phone ring while you're in the bathroom, and they try to convince you that it's somebody you really, really want to talk to. If you were ever stupid enough to try to go answer the phone, it would be the harassing telemarketers as usual.

Then, somebody out there is laughing at me for being fooled by this trick for the 10,000th time, all over again. When they lie to you, you believe it. You can't help believing.

I developed a condition that psychologists call 'learned helplessness.' It means that something makes you so helpless, for so long, some kind of horrible traumatic abuse, something you can't avoid, that even if you are set free from the trapped situation, you just sit there and can't do anything, even if you're no longer in the cage. You could get up and walk away if you wanted to. The door is open, the grass is green, the sun is shining, and you could just walk out. But you don't, because from past experience, you know that it will all be a lie, everything will disappear, and someone will be laughing at you again.

For instance, I used to try fixing my computer, to get rid of viruses. I thought all hacking required a virus to be sent to the computer. I didn't know that there are a million ways to do it, and it isn't as simple as just a virus. (I read a book called Counter Hack which explained some of the techniques.) So I would scan for viruses, but it would show nothing - and then one of the incidents would occur. Or I would erase my whole hard drive and reinstall Windows - only to have another 'incident' as soon as Windows started up, when I had not yet even connected to the internet. I remember doing more and more extreme things to clear the viruses out - for instance, I learned that you must unplug the computer until the power shuts down completely, to get rid of anything in the memory, at a particular moment while you're doing the procedures to clean off the hard drive. Otherwise, the memory could have a virus that would reinstall itself on a new clean hard drive.

I gave up on all that, because no matter what I did, no matter what I learned, no matter how thorough I thought I was, they would instantly do more attacks to get my attention, or find new ways to send messages to me indirectly. No matter what I did, they ruined it immediately.

So what does this have to do with the holocaust? And the intensity of feeling? The level of abuse, the horror of it, the fact that it was not at all trivial, it was in fact very severe and very serious, even life-threatening?

Who was doing it? I don't know. Of course I thought it was Nerdman. But over time I started thinking it was probably somebody else, some opportunist. Someone had walked in, seen what was happening, and decided it looked like a fun game to play, so they would add fuel to the fire and watch what happens. So really, it's more likely an unknown person, or several people, or lots and lots of people by now.

I started thinking that there was only one way to get out of this situation: I had to abandon my identity, change my name, give up my social security number, and leave the United States and become a citizen of another country. I started making plans for how exactly I was going to do this. It was extremely difficult. I found out that you can purchase citizenship in another country, some tiny little place in South America, for $40,000, or something - at least, that was true several years ago - I'm sure it isn't anymore. I researched methods for creating a fake identity. Again, it's not easy to create a fake identity. I wanted to make a fake ID so that I could continue using things like the telephone system, and the hackers wouldn't know who I was.

I changed my telephone number multiple times. I changed my email address over and over too. Every time I did, the phone calls and harassing emails would start again.

As I tried to tell people what was going on, they told me I was paranoid. They thought I wasn't observant enough to truly understand the difference between random accidents, mistakes I had made myself, versus actual hacking and harassment - but I did, in fact, become very good at telling the difference between accidents and attacks. They told me that computers just spontaneously did random things, with absolutely no cause whatsoever, out of nowhere, and that it was not possible to comprehend the series of events that led to the incident.

But I was the best at understanding computers, in most situations, when I worked at temp jobs in offices. Aside from the official tech support people, the official IT department, the guys hired to do that particular job - aside from those people, I was always the convenient, unofficial, local expert on 'What do I do when the computer does THIS?' Where did that icon go when I clicked and dragged it over on top of that other icon? Why is the window so small? Why won't this Excel file print at the right size? Anytime those trivial things happened, people always asked me how to fix it. I didn't have a lot of training in computers, except for the programs that I had been taught at the temp agency - how to use Excel, etc. I was just observant.

Maybe I'm bragging about that, maybe I brag about being good at something or intelligent about something - but that was an issue over and over again. People were always telling me that I could not possibly know what I knew, that I couldn't possibly be right about anything I observed, that (they implicitly meant) I could not possibly be intelligent enough to really understand what I was talking about. There was no respect at all. When I 'brag' about being smart at something, this is happening after years and years of people telling me, 'no, you're not - you're stupid, you're incompetent, you're ignorant, you're crazy, you're paranoid, you're mentally ill.'

The anger and rage that I felt got worse and worse. I told people about it, and they said that I was 'scared' of the hackers. But I wasn't scared at all - I was furious. I wanted to kill someone to make the harassment end. All I can say is that I'm lucky I found out the things I know now.

Whenever I'd really insist on quitting the emails - whenever I was able to stop writing to Nerdman - something would happen. I would start to feel a physical sensation, an emotion, that felt like somebody was really sad and hurt and lonely, like a cute little kid I would feel sorry for. The feeling would become unbearable. The sad little kid would be so painfully lonely that I MUST write him a letter. If I didn't it would be terrible. Later on, I learned that this is actually an electronic harassment attack. But back then, I just thought that I was 'psychic.'

The phones would ring, the electricity would turn on and off, and other strange things would happen, and I would resist writing a letter. They started doing things to my family members instead of me, and then my mother or somebody would call me on the phone, and innocently, not knowing the significance, they would casually tell me, 'Ha ha ha, I just got the funniest email about Siberian Butterflies!' Or it would be something they couldn't have even emailed. They would just make people say things, directly - and I would try as hard as I could to rationalize some explanation for how they could have known about this thing.

But the longer I resisted writing emails, the more extreme the demonstrations would become - and they would show me just how many various systems they controlled, and what they could do. So I learned that anything that runs on electricity can be hacked, basically - that's a good rule of thumb. Anything connected to any kind of network, or, anything NOT connected to a network! Everything. But that was only a more recent learning - I wasn't aware of that stuff at first, the physical attacks on physical objects. Like the clicking noises. And the voices in people's heads, and the physical attacks on their bodies. That was the last thing I learned about, all the psychotronic attacks.

It was a long series of events, one after another. That's why it was so hard to explain to anybody. I had to start at the beginning, and, using a chronological, linear story, I had to say 'First this happened, then this happened, which proved X.' The chronological stories got longer and longer. If you tried to explain something, starting in the middle of the story, then people couldn't even begin to understand what on earth you were even talking about. (How exactly do you know for sure that Siberian Butterflies really means frigid female genitalia?)

Each demonstration proved to me that they were capable of hacking this or that particular system. I thought the phones were safe until the proved that they were hacking the phones. I thought the electricity had nothing to do with hacking, but they made the electricity go on and off. And so on. Everything that I thought was safe, they demonstrated to me, one thing after another, that it was being controlled by somebody malicious, somebody who wanted to say 'ha ha, I'm better than you are.'

It wasn't just about them being better than I was. It was about people being taken away from me. I felt loss and grief because I missed Nerdman - or, rather, I mistakenly THOUGHT that I missed an imaginary representation of him, which wasn't really him. He became just a symbol for somebody I missed. Every time the attacks occurred, they tried to tell me Nerdman was the one doing it. But that's the worst part of it: somebody is right there, interacting with you, but you can't reach them. He was watching everything I did, and I just wanted to have a real, human friendship with him, but instead he just harassed me on the computers, and avoided me as a real person.

So I decided that the opportunists must have taken over, and they knew that actually, I didn't want them. I only wanted the original Nerdman, not them. So they hid themselves, so I wouldn't see who it really was - I'd believe it was Nerdman, but actually it was random guy #209387.

Well, that was how I learned to hate hackers as I hated evil incarnate.

It was only in the more recent years, after I learned about mind control, that I finally mellowed out about computer hacking. Mind control is much worse than computer hacking. Computer hacking is somewhat avoidable. But you can't avoid mind control attacks.

I learned that nowadays people just download programs and methods to look into other people's computers and it doesn't require a genius to spend his whole life studying nothing but computers in order to know how to do it.

They still think that I didn't quite explain how exactly the holocaust describes this feeling. It's a feeling of being enslaved, made to do something horrible that you don't want to do. The abuse is unavoidable and it ruins every moment of your life, both awake and asleep. It's a feeling that every hour of your day, you're actually stuck in a cage, a zoo, where somebody sees everything going on, constantly, every second, and there's not a moment of being alone. They don't merely watch - they interact. If they only watched, it would be less bad. But they never stop attacking.

Everything I know about the holocaust, I learned from Schindler's List. Those are the images in my mind. I don't study the holocaust, I don't read about it, I don't focus on it very much, I don't know much about it - but I've seen that movie, and I really like the movie. And seeing people as slaves, as tools, as puppets, in a situation they can't escape from - when their potential is suppressed - who would these people become if they lived without the puppet strings? What would they do, what would they feel, what would they say, what would they care about?

When I see people that way, it DOES feel like Schindler's List. We don't see the overt violence. We don't see people being shot and killed or people being burned. We don't see actual concentration camps. We don't see that kind of thing here. Instead everything going on is happening in some invisible way, in some other place.

I feel like the people here, the puppets, the mind control victims, the pawns in the game, are someone's slaves in the concentration camp. We're starving, deprived, suffering, alone, sleepless, harassed, abused, helpless. You lose people, for reasons you can't control, but then you're led to believe you'll get them back if only you jump through eighteen flaming hoops, to do exactly what they want you to do - and if only you fulfill those conditions, you'll get what you want, and it'll be a nice 'reward' for you.

What if the 9-11 hijackers came to this country to avoid something similar going on in their country? What if they were merely puppets of somebody else, led to believe that if only they could destroy this or that particular building, it would bring down the system? If only they could do that, it would save the lives of everybody else? What if everything I feel, when I feel locked in a prison, harassed and abused all day and all night, is exactly what they feel now, in Guantanamo, in Abu Ghraib, in all the other abusive prisons where, in reality, we probably aren't learning much useful information by torturing them anyway?

Who knows where 'it' comes from, the mind control? Who knows how it's being done? Who knows what exactly is the system that needs to be brought down in order to end the attacks?

I'm worn out - it's late at night - and the story isn't even close to the end. It doesn't really end. It reaches the present time. And once it does that, you can go back again and find more stuff to tell. Something interpreted differently, something forgotten. So I'll work on it later, some other time.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

'All the good girls are home with broken hearts.' ('Freefalling.')

They wanted me to walk through town and see what it was like. I never go into town. I don't park my car there - I hate parking in town. Parallel parking is a struggle and you're always under pressure to do it quickly. Parking garages require money. I never remember the hours when parking meters are enforced. I never know how to find the shop or business I'm looking for, and I worry that I'll have an accident while my head is turned to read the signs. I'm afraid of crossing busy streets. Where I grew up, hours might go by without single car passing on the road.

They're wondering about 'peacemakers.' I'd say that all three of the withdrawn enneagram types, the Nine, the Four, and the Five, are probably similar to me in a lot of ways. All three of those types are described as being prone to schizophrenia-like problems (and I don't use the word 'schizophrenia' to describe this phenomenon, but that's how other people describe it) - for instance, hearing voices and being socially withdrawn. When you're figuring out which type you are, those three types are easy to mistake for one another.

I know they're upset about my plastic fillings. They said they were trying to help. Let me remind everyone that I myself attempted to get the metal filling taken out several years ago already. I just canceled the appointment because I couldn't decide what type of filling to replace it with. This is something I already wanted to do, and there's a chance that I would have tried it on my own.

From one point of view, there's no such thing as a fake emotion. They've been looking at people's emotions as though the feelings are fake, just something to accomplish a goal in 'the game.' I prefer to assume something slightly different. I assume that a lot of people don't express feelings automatically, for one thing. Also, this culture and our school system doesn't explicitly teach people social skills, and I think it ought to - not just by reading it out of a book, but by role-playing it - and not just in one brief class, but over a long period of time. This is why they are using the game instead. Or, rather, it's why the game is THE ONLY set of social rules they know.

'Fake emotions?' I sat on the sidewalk for a while, listening to see whether the music was any good at a nearby bar. The music was terrible, so I didn't spend the money to go in. (99.9% of all 'club' music is terrible, in my opinion, but that's another topic.) Instead of going in, I just listened to a nearby group of people who were explicitly talking about the game.

That surprised me. I didn't realize that the game was now such public knowledge that people talked about it openly and used the jargon. They were talking about 'alpha males' and some other words I recognized.

I know some people want me to learn how to play the game.

People are seeing the world as a place where somebody gets 'filtered' all the way up to the very top of a pyramid, through thousands of sorting transactions. But I don't think there is any such thing as 'the top of a pyramid.' There are numerous different 'pyramids' for one thing - nobody can be the best at every single skill or in every single attribute - you can't be the world's best piano player, while also growing the world's longest fingernails. Or, I should say, it's extremely unlikely.

This makes it more clear that if you have a hard time 'winning' the game, you might benefit by finding some other niche to compete in, instead of competing to do exactly the same things everybody else is doing. Niche markets can be extremely profitable even though they only have a small number of buyers. In fact, even if you're doing well at the game, you can still benefit by going to some other niche.

If I had not been the victim of this crime, if it were not possible to artificially project voices into people's heads, the game wouldn't have mattered to me so much. But all the time, I am in conflict with people who want me to say some particular thing, or do some particular thing, and it causes pain whenever they try to force me to do whatever it is. The pain is a very mild, vague, physical sensation. When I fight back against it, they tell me that I'm 'the winner,' even though I don't care about 'winning' and I'm not even trying to 'win' anything. There shouldn't have existed a conflict in the first place, because I hadn't voluntarily chosen to associate or interact with other human beings at that particular moment. People were intruding into my brain. The entire context of the interaction is wrong from the very beginning.

It doesn't matter whether the voices are real humans at that particular moment, or whether they're computer simulations. Both interact with me all day long - real people, and computer simulations of people. Neither a human, nor a simulation of a human, should be projecting voices into my head.

The entire phenomenon violates the right to freedom of association: the right to choose whom you associate with, and when you associate with them. I don't choose to associate with people all day and all night long. I would have preferred to have an entirely different type of mental experience, without any humans or human-like simulations in it. There are different ways of thinking that have nothing to do with constantly talking verbally, interacting with people, and fighting this battle to force someone to do something. Maybe if I associated with real people, I'd be playing the game. But all day long, when I'm in my house by myself, I shouldn't be playing the game. I should be doing whatever activities I choose to do instead. Those are solitary activities. Human interaction is irrelevant to those things.

When this began, or, rather, when I first became aware of it and was told that it was a technological phenomenon rather than merely my own 'mental illness,' the first things they were forcing me to do were extremely petty, trivial things. They wanted me to schedule a particular day when I would take out the garbage, and a particular day when I would wash the dishes, and a particular day when I would do the laundry. Someone drugged me with Prozac or something very similar to Prozac, and I only recognized it because I had very recently used that drug. When I was on the Prozac, it was easy for them to force me to do those things. When I tried to complain to the police that somebody was entering my house and force-drugging me, they threw me into a mental hospital. That was in 2003.

Back then, I had more money and I had credit cards, so I was able to afford to purchase a videocamera and VCR. I put this security camera on in my apartment at all times. I felt pretty sure that that ended the forced drugging incidents. However, at the beginning of 2007, they made me sell the camera, claiming that I was getting money back so that I could pay off my debts. Right after that, the ephedra incident destroyed my apartment and my life fell apart and I almost died of poisoning. Some people are wondering whether the entire house became toxic because I really did touch one object after another, spreading the contamination, or whether somebody actually entered the house and maybe sprayed something and deliberately contaminated objects. I honestly don't know. I can recall the order of contamination incidents - I remember how I touched various things after touching the ephedra, and I have theories and observations for how the St. John's Wort and the tobacco would have emitted fumes that landed on the floor near where they were placed - and I can still interpret the event as being an accidental contamination that I myself caused, by attempting to grow those herbs indoors.

However, since then, there have been a couple of incidents that I think WERE caused by intruders. The situation is complicated. boht intereprets mtuual exlcueseive

(nonverbal doesn't require every single word to be written. writing a note to remember the phrase 'mutually exclusive' doesn't require me to say it's NOT mutually exclusive. i merely have to remember 'something having to do with mutually exclusive,' and that's enough of a note. i wrote the note 'mutually exclusive,' and immediately, the attackers started fighting with me to figure out if i was saying that it WAS mutually exclusive, or WASN'T mutually exclusive. they couldn't recognize the physical sensation in my body that signifies the concept 'NOT.' they couldn't 'read' that physical sensation. they ought to know right away that i mean 'not mutually exclusive,' especially because i've talked about this subject many, many times in the past. and all of that fighting and arguing over 'exclusive or not?' is wasteful, physically painful, distracting, and inefficient. when my brain functions in the real world, in the semi-verbal manner, the way it used to before they attacked me and forced me to speak in complete, grammatical sentences while thinking, i didn't use every single word in the sentence. i used 'notes.' i mumbled words that were the most important words, and then in between the words, i used to feel physical sensations representing concepts like 'NOT.' it was much more efficient and more honest to think that way. nowadays, the thinking process is extremely wasteful, inefficient, and TOTALLY UNORIGINAL. there is no new observation added to it, no insight, no new concepts - it's all this verbal garbage that destroys real human observation. thinking verbally, in complete grammatical sentences, destroys the way that my brain was intended to function. it only serves the purpose of entertaining the people who listen to your subvocal speech and control it. they had trouble understanding what i was thinking about, back in the days when i used semi-verbal thoughts mixed with vague images, abstractions, concepts, emotions, and physical sensations. so they forced me to speak in complete sentences. i remember when that happened, and how painful and destructive it was - i remember lying on the floor, trying to sleep, during three days of insomnia, while they zapped me with a painful shock every time i tried to think in my natural manner, when they zapped me during every moment of nonverbal silence - i was lying on the floor under the table, when i lived in the other apartment, the one above me - they zapped me with painful shocks until and unless i thought my thoughts in complete, verbal, grammatical sentences without any nonverbal silences - they wouldn't let me fall asleep until a particular hour on the clock, when they would suddenly and immediately force me to fall asleep, at which point they forced me to have particular dreams and then suddenly awaken again at a particular time - it destroyed all of who i am, all of my creativity, all of my originality, all of my ability to take action, all of my self-understanding.)

(speaking in complete sentences should only be done whenever necessary to tell somebody something. the rest of the time, when you're thinking, when you're alone, you don't need language, or rather, you don't need that particular language. mine was a synesthetic language. they didn't like the synesthesia language.)

To them, apparently, taking out the garbage, and washing dishes and laundry, are of such life-or-death importance that it's worthwhile to use the resources of an entire psychotronic mind-control system to force somebody to do it.

I wonder what my life would be like if I were not constantly being attacked by these people. They've already got the answer: they've told me that I'd do nothing, all day long, but sit there staring into space or something. Or watching TV, or playing a video game, or reading a book. Without them and their constant attacks, they tell me, I'd be nothing and I'd do nothing. Then, after a long life of starving to death and watching TV, I'd die.

When's the last time they ever SAW a human who was free of constant, neverending assault and battery from psychotronic control systems? How do they know what it looks like?

I read more slowly than I used to. Whenever I was a little kid, I used to speedread. I read the words nonverbally, using only my eyes, without whispering them in my throat. But nowadays, they zap me if I do that. They zap me if I speedread words because it uses nonverbal, visual processing instead of spoken words. They physically attack me for using ANY of the thought processes that are more efficient, more creative, more effective, more intuitive, more observational, more kinesthetic - and all they want is spoken, whispered, subvocal speech. When I try to study and learn new concepts - for instance, when I studied bookkeeping, they fought constant battles with me because my way of learning was different from the way they wanted me to memorize things. I used vague visual images to put things into a location in space. But they kept fighting me, over and over again, to force me to whisper some verbal words as a way of memorizing things.

How did I get a FIVE on the Advanced Placement Calculus test if my way of thinking is so bad? Why couldn't the 'verbal memorizers' get fives on the AP Calculus test? Doesn't 'putting things into a location in space' work really well for things like calculus? Even though I couldn't memorize mathematical formulas because I have trouble remembering things, I still did just fine, because I used an alternative method to compensate for it: I rebuilt, re-derived, every formula from scratch whenever I needed it. I couldn't memorize the universal algebra solution: it's something like X=square root of, you know, a+b squared over something else. I never could remember it, so I used to re-derive the algebraic proof whenever I needed that formula. It was a good thing, because I used to get lots of practice re-deriving the algebraic proof! In fact, it made me BETTER at what I was doing!

In trigonometry class, I used to draw this little picture of a clock-like thing and I used to write down little angles on it, instead of remembering what exactly was the sine of this or that. I just re-calculated the sines and cosines by drawing those pictures. For whatever reason, I couldn't memorize things. But all of the tests and quizzes were really easy and I got A's on them.

And somehow, even though I procrastinated on all my homework, and didn't do the assignments, and ignored what the rest of the class was doing - I used to sit through my class, working slowly and carefully through the assignments that they had been given WEEKS ago - I used to be doing something totally irrelevant to what the rest of the class was doing - and then they'd ask me to come up to the chalkboard and solve a problem on today's assignment. I'd ask the teacher, 'Okay, how do I do this?' and she'd tell me a vague idea of what to do. I'd do a totally unfamiliar formula for the first time, using whatever method she told me, and I'd get it right. Some of the other students, who had been paying attention to the lecture all day, couldn't do it and were still struggling. I remember one person in particular who got irritated every time I did this - that person was a classic, textbook 'verbal memorizer.'

They frequently supply me with words whenever my memory fails me. I struggle to recall some difficult word. In my silence, in the struggle, the outsiders artificially plant the word in my head. I hear it. I can tell it's artificial and that it's coming from outside. They do the same thing to me when I struggle to talk to somebody out loud, in conversation, when I have no words to say. In the real world, I would struggle awkwardly to hold a conversation, and there'd be NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT! I'd just be 'the strong silent type.' There's nothing wrong with being 'the strong silent type.'

What would happen if those verbal words failed to appear? Perhaps I'd just substitute some simpler word instead. I'd find some method of researching it, looking it up on the internet. Perhaps I'd locate some Google search, or some computer program somebody made, that helps you 'integrate' the word if you have the definition to begin with, moving upwards from the definition to the word. It's like integrals in calculus. Integrals were difficult because you couldn't know for sure what they were ahead of time. We didn't work on integrals long enough or often enough for me to develop a non-memorizing method of finding integrals. I probably would have found some way of recognizing what the formulas 'looked like' or something. But I think integrals were one of the last things we worked on, in that book, because it was only Calculus I. So I had very little experience with them.

And then when I went to college I did start taking a math class. But there was a problem. I think it might have been an algebra class, I'm not sure. It was a more advanced algebra class. The teacher had a thick accent and I couldn't understand a word he said. His handwriting was so terrible I couldn't read the tiny scrawls on the chalkboard. It was unbearably boring. I would have done much, much better if somebody had just handed me a Schaum's Outline of Algebra III (or whatever algebra it was) and said 'Here. Have fun with this. See ya in six months. Bye!' Chances are, I would have understood the algebra better than all the people who paid money to sit through that class.

So I dropped out of that class, along with various other classes. Some of the other classes I sat through, but failed them because of not doing the assignments. When the classes involved meaningless memorization of names and dates, with government brainwashing behind it, I was totally unable to do the work - that would be History class. However, I did enjoy another similar class, because it had an actual theory behind it, which was given to us explicitly at the beginning, and used to 'frame' or understand everything thereafter: it was some geography course, and the theory they gave us, the interpretation, was that your location on earth doesn't inevitably determine the exact culture that forms. I forget the details of it. However, I enjoyed that class and I did well in it.

In meteorology, I was one of the only people in the classroom who was able to explain the reason why humid air is lighter than dry air. You'd think that if there was a bunch of water in the air, that air would be really heavy, because you think of water as being something heavy that falls down. You see rain falling all the time and you imagine that moisture-filled air is something heavy.

It turns out, when I look back at it now, that some of the classes I failed were because of something I couldn't articulate. I failed the classes that had 'government brainwashing' behind them. Back then, I thought there was something wrong with me because I couldn't force myself to memorize everything that they wanted me to spit back out at them. I failed those classes because the classes were meaningless bullshit that couldn't be derived through some alternative thinking process. If I had truly understood what I was studying, I would have recognized that it was evil, or garbage, but I didn't have the philosophical tools back then to help me recognize the brainwashing behind it. I only felt that I couldn't bear to study this stuff, that I couldn't bear to waste time memorizing it, that it was boring, that I'd rather be doing something else instead. I couldn't explain why.

Again, if my manner of thinking is so bad, so desperately in need of 'fixing,' I would not have understood things so easily in school - in the math, science, and technical classes.

So when the attacks began, all they wanted was for me to speak in complete, grammatical sentences, and to do my laundry and dishes on a certain day. The end. And they wanted to make sure that I always said the 'appropriate' things during moments of awkward silence in a conversation. NO AWKWARDNESS ALLOWED!!! No feelings, no genuine closeness, no observation, no real empathic connection with people. Just words! Lots of words. And do your chores!

They want me to understand 'the game,' because the game is what everybody else is doing. The game is the reason why the government, and criminals, and unknown people, and other governments, have set up those electronic mind control systems. The game is why the United States is meddling in the Middle East, taking over their countries, stealing their oil, and killing their civilians. The game is what they're trying to accomplish, every hour of every day. They don't know how it feels to sit quietly and contemplate an image, or paint a painting, or build something, or enjoy a fiction story. To them, life is nothing but a constant, neverending competition to be better than somebody else and control somebody else and make them inferior. It's a 'climb' up a 'ladder' to the 'top' of a 'pyramid.' That entire concept is unfamiliar and irrelevant to my whole way of thinking and living - I find it repulsive. (That's why all those words are in quotes.)

I've been tested recently on walking around in public displaying my 'extreme hairstyle' and unconventional grooming practices. I used to do that in college - walk around wearing shorts, when I didn't shave. I probably talked about that before in a previous blog, I forget. In the past couple months I encountered some more 'user-friendly,' or 'target-friendly,' or 'victim-friendly' outsiders who interact with me in a way that's slightly more tolerable than some of the other attack systems have been. When you order somebody to do something they already enjoy doing, and are already doing well, and to do more of it, and take it to its logical extreme, there's more of a chance that they'll obey the order. Go tell somebody 'Do what you want to do!' Well, it's not really like that, actually. But kind of. Anyway, they noticed that I had already grown my hair all the way long, and that I already wasn't shaving. So they just encouraged me to do more things that were in the same spirit of that particular style. Some of the things they told me to do were things that I already had been doing, years ago, just before the 'Do your chores and speak in complete, grammatical sentences!' folks took over my life. So it wasn't that difficult to agree with the new people.

They are curious to see how I respond to the game, how I respond to people's reactions to me, whenever I walk in public places. Last night, I was mostly invisible - I had my hair up in a bun, and I just wore a t-shirt and cotton pants. People would not have really known how to categorize me. I looked kind of poor and shabby, I suppose. I wasn't dressed up for partying.

A few days ago I went shopping when my hair was oily and I hadn't showered. The lady at the cash register was very, very anxious and uncomfortable. She started making some uncomfortable jokes and wasn't really being 'nice,' but at the same time, she seemed confused, and wasn't being intentionally cruel either. She noticed that I was buying some onions and she said, 'I love the smell of onions... but I wouldn't want to wear them as perfume!' Then she said, 'You probably think I'm the strangest cashier you've ever had.' She was very anxious.

One tactic I use, one concept I have, is a kind of 'I'm rubber, you're glue' principle. I'm rubber, you're glue - whatever you say bounces off me and sticks on you. If somebody makes me feel inferior, uncomfortable, or ashamed, I assume that it's more likely that this feeling isn't my own - that they're the ones feeling ashamed or inferior or anxious. ('In a way, I cease to exist during social interactions - I have no feelings of my own. I become whatever the other person is.' They told me to say that sentence... but I agreed with it. It was an artificial sentence. After I wrote it without objecting to it, they said, 'I'll take that as a "yes."' This is the type of thing that goes on all day long - artificial sentences are given to me, and if I write them or say them without much pain, without much fighting, then they say it's true.) That's an enneagram type Nine.

I'm trying to remember how exactly I was trained to take showers and wear deodorant. I was younger than ten years old. I remember an incident one day when my mom told me that I smelled. I had no idea that there was such a thing as 'body odor.' I wasn't aware of it. I didn't know it existed. She told me that it came from people's armpits but nobody really knew why. All we had to do was put on deodorant and get rid of it. The end. So I started doing that, until many years later, when my friend Rachael thought to ask a lot of questions and talk about it with me. Why do we do this? Why does it matter? Why is this bad?

In other countries, they aren't so paranoid about it as they are in the US. Other cultures don't shave as many parts of their bodies, and they don't shower every single day (or multiple times a day), and don't cover themselves with perfume. When 'westernization' takes over, they start plucking their eyebrows - one of the things they're fighting about in Iran. In Iran, there's a battle going on about the fact that Middle Eastern ethnic groups very frequently have the 'monobrow' or 'unibrow,' an eyebrow that goes all the way across the bridge of the nose. (Count Olaf had that in Lemony Snicket's books.) I remember back in school, people made fun of students who had that trait. In Caucasian groups, the unibrow doesn't happen very often, or is much less obvious. When western culture comes in, both the women and men both start plucking or shaving the bridge of the nose, to make two separate eyebrows instead of just one going all the way across. It's considered ridiculous, shameful, stupid-looking, contemptible - something to make fun of and laugh at instead of something to appreciate and value as a special ethnic attribute.

I really do agree with them when they complain that the 'western' culture is taking over the whole world, because of television and mass media. It destroys the types of beauty that are different and unique to some particular area. It gives people practices that are sometimes harmful to them, things that people shouldn't even be doing in the United States, like having contact with plastics and toxic chemicals and cosmetics. In some countries it's become popular to lighten your dark brown skin. This destroys the skin so badly that it never recovers. If you stop using the skin lightener, the skin develops very unnatural and different pigmentation that wasn't there before - I read that it becomes even blacker and blotchier and more uneven than it was to begin with. When you see your skin getting EVEN WORSE, with strange blotchy uneven black patches that are even darker than what you began with, then of course, you start using the skin lightener again! Once you've used it, you can never stop. I haven't seen this myself, but I believe it - it doesn't surprise me that people would do that.

Wooly African hair textures get straightened and flattened to look more like white people's hair. (Fortunately, I've been seeing more of a trend against this recently, at least in advertisements.) In countries where women traditionally had extremely long hair, like India, the women are cutting the hair off so that they can copy the styles of the US. And I already mentioned the unibrow. Every single non-Caucasian attribute is seen as disgusting, contemptible, and inferior.

'Trivial' things, like hairstyles and grooming practices, are one of the things that mind control systems are used for - even the 'expensive' mind control systems, the technological systems, the ones that aren't merely social. Most people, the people who don't know how it is, the people who think electronic mind control doesn't exist, will tell you, 'But nobody has a reason to spy on YOU 24 hours a day - you're nobody important!' They believe that electronic mind control would only be used to achieve really 'big,' 'important,' 'serious' purposes, things involving governments, and spying on really important, wealthy, influential celebrities who determined the fate of the entire world. They can't imagine that no, actually, electronic mind control is used to make sure you conform to Western standards of dressing, grooming, and chore-doing. It's used in conjunction with the old-fashioned social methods of control. I know from personal experience that when the attacks on me became obvious, in 2003, they immediately started fighting to change my hair and grooming practices.

Maybe other people don't take this kind of thing seriously, but I do. I sincerely value people's differences of appearance, so long as it's healthy - I don't enjoy seeing people who look physically ill. I just mean that healthy people who have different ethnic traits are a curiosity, something to say 'hmm' about rather than 'ew, gross' or 'you look like an idiot.'

(They want to know what happens when I see people who look ill or have a health problem.) When that happens, I occasionally go through a troubleshooting process, wondering if I know anything that could have caused their illness, wondering if I know anything that could help it. But I don't go up to them and say something out loud - I don't go tell them 'You should do so-and-so.'

(We're fighting over this. They disagree: they think that I DON'T do a 'troubleshooting process.' They think that lots of other people DO do a troubleshooting process, trying to solve the person's problem, and they're saying that normally, I don't. I never really paid attention to this, so I don't know. They're telling me that the sentence 'I do a troubleshooting process... etc' came out 'false' instead of 'true.' It must have been one of those artificial sentences that they give to you and you're supposed to say it while they observe the true/false result. - Note: Think of what the writing process would be like if that didn't happen. What would I have thought to talk about, on my own? What would I have spent my time doing? What would I have been thinking? If somebody's there, testing all your true/false sentences on you, it diverts you from some other thing that you would have been thinking and doing instead. I might have wanted to talk about (don't insert random words - they're symbols and I recognize them and they offend me) some random thing instead. If they insert supposedly 'random' words for you, they'll be offensive symbols instead of something truly random. I know why this is so bad right now - it's because it just turned 11:00. The new shift of attackers came on at 11:00. I heard a new person show up. That's why there's so much fighting.)

And if I have a conversation with somebody who has a real health problem, I try to ignore it and focus on whatever it is that they say, focus on what they need from me. I just look in their eyes and listen to what they say. I try to understand whatever they're telling me. I try to give them a respectful tone of voice. For instance, I have to interact with a lot of very old people, or people in wheelchairs or carts.

I don't normally interact with large numbers of people at work, because people only need things from me occasionally. I chose a slightly less sociable job, among the many jobs I could have had. Customer interaction happens less often.

I can't even write anymore without battling the people talking to me. This got worse partly because I just ate something containing natural salicylates. Natural salicylates are a chemical that is normally harmless to people, but some people (attention-deficit, chemical-sensitive people) don't produce enough copies of the enzyme used to metabolize it. Salicylates occur in some fruits and vegetables, which are normally considered to be good for you. Parents of hyperactive children, who are using the Feingold diet, observe that their children become more irritable and combative right after eating the 'trigger' foods.

This is not meant to imply that mind control, or voices put into my head, are 'okay.' They shouldn't be there at all. There wouldn't be any conflict or battle of any kind, if they simply weren't there. We only know that whenever the food sensitivities are triggered, the conflicts become much worse and cause more severe distractions. The distractions shouldn't have been there to begin with. This is the reason why electronic mind control is much more 'palatable' to the vast majority of people - it causes them no sensations of pain, or conflict, or discomfort, or cognitive dissonance whatsoever. They don't detect that a conflict is even occurring. The conflicts are only painful to people who are already 'rebellious' due to chemical-triggered hyperactivity. In other words, if it weren't for sick people, depressed/anxious people, autistic-like people, introverts, hyperactive kids, and anybody else who 'doesn't fit in,' we might not even be aware that the electronic mind control systems existed at all. Hooray for ADHD!

I always like to mention the drug Ecstasy as an example of this phenomenon. I haven't ever used Ecstasy, and I don't think I ever will. But there are some people who can't produce the enzyme needed to metabolize the drug. The first time they take Ecstasy, they drop dead within minutes - even if everybody around them is using exactly the same pills. (I THINK it's 'within minutes.' I don't know how quickly.) There are people who get phenylketonuria if they eat Nutrasweet, because they don't have the enzyme needed to process the amino acids in Nutrasweet. This is very similar to the food-sensitive, chemical-sensitive hyperactive kids who react to natural salicylates, perfumes, preservatives, wheat gluten, milk, and other chemicals. When the partially metabolized chemicals enter the bloodstream, the chemicals behave exactly like mind-altering drugs.

Anyway, this got off track - way off track. If it gets much more off track, I'll say 'This blog is too crappy to publish,' and I'll end up just keeping it in my notes - which happens a lot! That's why most of my blogs end up as rambling, wandering monologues that nobody ever sees.

I'll try to conclude this, but I don't have much of a conclusion. There's a good thing in here, which is the fact that I know about the existence of food sensitivities and how they affect me and other people. Without that information, I would have had no idea what to do, because the medical industry would NEVER have told me about the Feingold Diet.

Originally, they wanted to know more about the game, and about what I experienced when I went walking through town. They wanted to know how I differ from the people I saw. Not only do I dress and groom differently, but I also think and feel differently. Most of those people are boring to me, and the game they're playing is boring, and I feel like I have nothing valuable to gain by trying to play it. I know they want to convince me to learn it, and I'll read about it - however, I'm concerned that if I read about it, I won't be able to forget it. I'm concerned that I might learn it TOO WELL, and be unable to go back to being sincere. Actually, something similar happened when I was about thirteen years old and I read a book called 'When I Say No I Feel Guilty,' a book about assertiveness training. It was similar to the game. After I read it, I never saw conversations the same way again. It framed everything thereafter.

'The Game' is today's modern version of assertiveness training. It's a substitute for things like that. I think it's a less desirable substitute. (Oops! I just called the game 'inferior!' I must be seeking superiority!) Okay, the game is inferior! Find something better instead. Find REAL social skills. REAL communication skills. REAL emotional expression. There are plenty of other psychological systems out there that teach people ways to interact with each other. Assertiveness training. Nonviolent Communication. Nathaniel Branden's Six Pillars of Self-Esteem. Harry Browne said that Toastmasters is really good at teaching people public speaking skills.

(These things ought to be taught in school, but instead, we memorize the reasons why the US government is our hero for taking over more and more of our lives.)

I might make another trip into town again and see what my impressions are. I think most of the people out there just don't know any other way of interacting with each other.

Friday, July 25, 2008

More About Resin Composite Tooth Fillings

I've been somewhat depressed since I got my new resin composite tooth fillings. (I wish I could type from inside a 'box' so that I wouldn't hear voices while typing. This is a 'bad voice day.' They're trying to write sentences for me.) Here is a brief description of what happened when I got the fillings. I wrote lots of notes about it, and was trying to write a blog on the first night of the fillings, but I was so sick that I could not even sit in front of the computer, and I had to abandon the blog.

I got my metallic filling (silver-mercury amalgam) removed from a molar, and a resin composite filling put in its place. The dentist found a new cavity forming on my canine tooth so he gave me a new composite filling there too. I had had only the one molar cavity in my whole life. (They wanted me to write the word 'hole life' as a pun about cavities. Puns are something that they do all the time, along with double meanings and symbols. For instance, I never heard the phrase 'making scents' before. But then I just recently found it in literature about bow hunting. I'll explain later why I'm reading about bow hunting. But this happens all the time: the voices say something I've never heard before, some unfamiliar word or phrase, and then afterwards I go out and find that the word or phrase really exists.)


Over the rest of the day, I developed a headache that got worse and worse. I became manic, happy, and excited, and wrote notes about how the amalgam removal seemed like a miracle cure for my chronic fatigue. But I wanted to wait before I made any such claim. I had three main theories about why I felt so manic and energetic that day:

1. Novocaine is related to cocaine.
2. The newly cleaned teeth were no longer sending bacteria into my body.
3. The removal of the mercury and other heavy metals DID help.

I decided that if the effects lasted only a day or so, then the answer was probably #1 or #2. It turns out that the manic feelings and extra energy DID only last a day or two. For whatever reason, something mysteriously gave me great feelings for about a day, and then I went back to a more 'normal' energy level.

Let me mention that I respect anecdotal observations, and that I DO NOT BELIEVE in the existence of the 'placebo effect.' I don't have time to explain it all right now, but I think the so-called placebo effect is one of those ideas that might be applicable within certain very narrow situations, but the rest of the time it's badly misinterpreted, misapplied, and used to support government propaganda while denying individual observations. If you observe anything at all, such as a drug side effect, withdrawal effect, consequence of surgery, effects from eating certain foods, etc, it is all called the placebo effect (or a sign of mental illness, if it involves psychiatric drugs).

So it wasn't merely a placebo effect that caused me to become manic. Trust me, I was REALLY manic. Something caused it. This is the 'YAYYYY! I'M SO HAPPY TO BE ALIIIIIIIIIVE!' kind of manic.

That night as I tried writing a blog about it, my headache got so bad that I could no longer type at the computer. Headaches are extremely unusual for me. I NEVER get headaches unless I am in very bad caffeine withdrawal. I have just about every other vague health problem that can happen to a person, but the one area where I've had good luck is that I just don't get migraines or even mild headaches.

I started crying and sobbing and had to take a break. Then I lay down and tried to sleep but couldn't sleep all night. I really felt depressed and cried a lot.

Well, the next day, I had pain and swelling in both breasts. The pain was much worse in the left one. This was totally new and different. The last time I had anything resembling breast pain, I was a teenager - that was a couple decades ago. My parents told me it was called fibrocystic disease, or fibrocystitis. It's when you get benign cysts that hurt, but they're not cancer. People don't always know what causes them. They can be triggered by eating certain foods or drugs. Some websites say that bisphenol-A, a chemical in plastic, causes fibrocystitis, along with menstrual cramps. Bisphenol-A is similar to estrogen. I knew that composite filings MIGHT have bisphenol-A in them, but in the information I read, nobody was sure how bad it was or what effects might happen.

I became very moody and irritable. It was like having PMS. Some people at work noticed that I was being bitchier than usual, and I accidentally hurt someone's feelings. My tone of voice was hard to control, and I was arguing about trivial things.

Over the next few days, the breast pain got worse. I could not ignore it. It mostly went away in the right one, but the left one was so uncomfortable that I was conscious of it all the time. All day long, every time I moved, with everything I did, I felt pain and swelling. This was totally abnormal - I had never experienced anything like this. The very mild pains I felt as a teenager were nothing compared to this.

You know there's something wrong with the medical industry if you're absolutely fine one day, then you take some drug or get some kind of treatment procedure, and the next day, there's a terrible symptom that you can't ignore, and you never had it before, and it's totally new. And you tell them about it, and they say, 'I've never heard of that before,' or 'You must be imagining it,' or something similar.

I got the 'I never heard of that before' when I told the dentist. He told me I should go see a physician. I am not going to a physician.

I told him I wanted both composites removed, and nothing put in their place. I'm strongly considering the use of temporary, makeshift fillings. Primitive tribes occasionally got cavities - though not as many as modern people - and they filled them with gums or resins from plants, or other things. Anyway, the dentist told me it would be unethical to remove fillings and leave the cavities open. I don't want to take too much time writing how I feel about that. I understand his point of view, but I disagree. What I hear is: Don't sue me. He doesn't want to APPEAR unethical, by doing something unusual that doesn't follow the 'normal' procedures.

But I'm not interested in running around suing people. I haven't tried to negotiate anything with him yet and I'm still considering my options. Whatever I decide, it probably won't involve suing anyone.

And, although I've said I don't want to sue anyone, still, if I ever did sue anybody, it would more likely be the company that makes the plastic for the fillings. The company is called Ivoclar, I think - I wrote it in my notes. But I'm sure there are other companies making something similar. Chances are, this lawsuit will happen sometime in the next few years - somebody else will sue them. I think it's VERY LIKELY to happen - it's in the 'almost inevitable' category of predictions, but I don't know exactly when. This will be a HUGE lawsuit and a LOT of people will be eligible. I think they usually call it a 'class action lawsuit,' where you sort of get invited to participate if you want to, but actually I don't know what a class action lawsuit is, technically. I've seen those lawsuits against Wal-Mart, for instance, where you read a piece of paper taped to the front door of the building, and it says that people were mad because they didn't get lunch breaks. (I'm a little contemptful about that lawsuit. EVERY PLACE I'VE EVER WORKED has had that problem! Getting breaks late, or not at all, is NORMAL in low-level service jobs. And people at Wal-Mart are getting HIGHER wages than many fast-food places!) Or you get a letter in the mail, and it says you can qualify for this lawsuit if you meet the following criteria.

Those fillings were put in on June 30. It's been several weeks now. My depressed mood has somewhat improved - I no longer feel like I have PMS constantly. The breast pain has diminished but it hasn't gone away. It gets worse one day, then better the next day. I no longer have a headache - that was only the first night.

I still want to remove the fillings. I don't like my symptoms. They are not entirely gone. The symptoms are nagging, and I'm still feeling some pain and discomfort.

I'm afraid it could cause cancer. I don't like to use the word 'benign' to describe an illness, but it could possibly cause benign tumors. Perhaps they are not malignant. This is just my hope. It seems like it would be too obvious if large numbers of people went out and got composite fillings and developed malignant breast cancer in the first three days afterwards.

In one study that was done, they measured the levels of bisphenol-A in saliva over the first few days after composite fillings were put in. The levels were very high at first and then they went down over time. I could only read a brief abstract of the study. It didn't describe any symptoms the patients experienced.

I'm still not happy about it. I don't feel normal. I don't feel like myself. If I can remove the fillings somehow then I will.

I often feel as though I have esoteric knowledge that other people need to know very badly. I wonder how many people are getting composite fillings put in, and don't know that they have bisphenol-A which causes endocrine disruption. Some people have a whole lot of fillings, not just one or two. Some people aren't observant, or they trust their doctors and dentists when they say, 'This symptom is just a random accident. It was only a coincidence that it happened the very day after you got your fillings. The fillings couldn't have caused that.' Some people can metabolize chemicals more effectively, so they just don't get sick as easily from chemicals. But still it's fairly common to be slightly chemical sensitive. There are varying degrees of how sensitive people are. When I decided to do it, I simply didn't know whether it would bother me or not.

On the good side, I DO have some benefits from having removed the amalgam filling.

First, let me say that I still taste a little bit of metal. I feel like the metal filling wasn't completely removed, and I want to work on that. The metallic taste still happens from time to time. I think maybe he drilled out most of it, but there was a thin film left against the tooth, and he didn't want to drill out any more of the good tooth material. I don't like being able to taste metal, but it's much milder than it used to be, and it happens much less often. It used to happen almost every time I ate or drank anything, especially coffee, or if my mouth was empty and I just chewed or clenched my teeth together. Now it's only occasional.

I used to have a lot of burning sickness in my stomach, every day. This has been greatly reduced! My stomach was easily nauseated all of the time. So I will advocate that if you have constant, chronic stomach problems, you might possibly benefit from removing metallic fillings.

I also used to have a bad taste in my mouth when I woke up every day. But now my morning breath isn't as awful as it was. There was an old, old Garfield cartoon, back when I was a kid, where John or Garfield or Odie breathes on a houseplant and the houseplant shrivels up and drops dead. That's the kind of morning breath I had. I haven't tested it on anybody, but from my own point of view, my mouth doesn't taste as disgusting and toxic when I wake up. It's still not very pleasant, but it's improved.

I don't know about the fatigue. The new fillings have given me that PMS-like depression, which comes and goes. My fatigue is still lingering, but in general, I feel a little different. I can't directly compare it to how I used to feel. The PMS depression itself involves tiredness.

Well, that's the tooth filling story. It's not entirely over yet.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Something evil is happening in China.

Testimonials of people being converted to Christianity in China

This is what I'm talking about. All of those events that occurred are things that can easily be done using psychotronic equipment. Putting voices in people's heads, giving them strange feelings and sensations, and controlling their dreams is run-of-the-mill electronic harassment. And somebody wants to pretend to be God. It makes me angry to even read that stuff.

I had similar experiences during my attempted psychotherapy with Judith Swack. At first, when I said the prayers like I was supposed to, I was filled with sensations of blissful, pleasant light. Then I started resisting. As I wrote in my other blog, I started cursing at her whenever I heard her voice in my head. It was after quitting the therapy that my life really 'went to hell.' The life-threatening, life-ruining attacks really began at that time. Somebody somewhere delivered me to the God Mafia.

That's why I decided to become a more hardcore atheist. Being an atheist is similar to being an anarchist. You oppose God, but don't necessarily say what you're in favor of.

I think that having any philosophy at all, any ideology, any serious belief system, is similar to having a religion. The ancient philosophers and monks usually wrote about many different subjects, like God, the nature of reality, logic, math, meditation and mental experiences, science, and so on. A religious-like mentality doesn't necessarily mean you believe in God. It just means that you're interested in asking difficult questions and perhaps living a lifestyle that isn't like everybody else's, if your beliefs are non-mainstream.

I want a philosophy designed to protect myself and other people against being misled by humans disguised as God. Even if there were a 'real' God, I would still want to be protected against it. It would not necessarily be a benevolent friend or leader whom you obey without question. I assume everybody makes mistakes, including God, and also, that what God wants isn't necessarily what I want, and I have the right to want something different.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Car trips, extreme hairstyles, and multiple rulers

I didn't write a real blog entry this week. I just went on some car trips. But there were a couple puppeteering incidents where people noticed my extreme hairstyle when I was out in public. Extreme hairstyles are being used to call attention to various people. If you then use your debit card to pay for your purchase, or say something out loud that can be found in a computer at a place of business, the people who noticed you will have the needed information to look you up. If anyone did such a thing, thank you for your concern. Please be cautious.

On a similar topic, they recently found some guy from Serbia or wherever who had grown a beard and become an alternative medicine practitioner. He was unrecognizable. This is interesting because I have been writing in my notes about fully grown long hair (including partially bald hair) and beards as an expression of religious belief. I have been working to adapt this to atheism so that it will be rationalized for me personally, so that it isn't merely a 'personal preference.' But anyway, it bothers me that the government might start labeling people as terrorists if they have any kind of extreme hairstyles.

I've been a puppet many times recently and it's kind of scary. If I have accidentally hurt or insulted anybody, I apologize, although it's hard to apologize for something if I wasn't entirely responsible for it. Sometimes people feel totally alone whenever they're surrounded by puppets, when they're aware of this fact.

If anything ever makes you feel hopeless or helpless, if the problems seem unsolvable, if the powers of evil seem infinite - whenever I feel that way, I tell myself that there can never be only one single uncontested ruler of everything, forever. There will always be more than one. There will always be conflict. If 'evil' seems to rule for a time, somebody will always challenge that rule. The cooperators of a cruel dictator will betray the dictator. Nobody can be the best at all things all of the time. It might seem like there will never be peace, but that also means there will never be a permanent, stable dictatorship.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

out of the frying pan into the fire.

I've been having a bad day of what I call 'bombardments.' That's when I'm trying to think about things or make decisions, but the whispers keep interrupting. It's these constant, neverending attacks that seem to be computer-generated, because they tend to repeat the same phrases over and over again, as though it's pre-recorded.

Here's what I've been struggling to focus on and think about. I've been trying to make a decision about what to do with my composite fillings. I really, really want to get them out of my teeth! They DID leach bisphenol-A, a LOT of it, on the first day when they were placed, and I'm not sure if they're still leaching it or not, but I'm still having unpleasant symptoms that I can't ignore. The symptoms aren't going away. They are VERY disturbing.

It was one of those situations where one day you're perfectly fine, and the next day, you have a bunch of brand-new, really bad symptoms that weren't there before, and they just keep continuing, for as long as the fillings are in your teeth.

Chronic heavy metal poisoning from amalgam fillings does stuff to you, but chronic resin composite poisoning also does stuff to you. The symptoms are, in some ways, even MORE dramatic and noticeable, disturbing and urgent.

The problems are bad enough that I have decided that I will NOT recommend that ANYBODY get composite fillings. I would say you should totally avoid them, no matter what kind they are. I don't know what to recommend instead. If you get porcelain fillings, you might still have a problem because of the glue, or sealant, or whatever, that's used to hold the piece of porcelain in place. And gold fillings are likely to be bad for you too - I'm pretty sure they contain copper, and copper causes a lot of problems. Copper is probably involved in the mercury-silver amalgam filling problems, but it's overlooked because all of the attention is focused on mercury, since mercury seems even scarier. And gold itself is a heavy metal, although it's less toxic than mercury.

I really haven't got an answer to this problem. And I can't think about anything at all because of the bombardments on my mind. It's a 'bad brain day.'

I had a bad weekend - I didn't get ANYTHING done. I wanted to work on the dental fillings decision. I couldn't make up my mind. Everything I do seems to make the situation worse.

Meanwhile, along with the 'bombardments,' I've also been dealing with what I call 'hostage negotiations.' This is when I end up writing journals for hours about things the voices are saying, and I interact with people who claim to be government agents, and people who seem as though they're from the Middle East.

It's interesting, I read a news article that said that in the summer of 2003, there was a program going on in Guantanamo called 'Project Sandman.' It was a sleep deprivation torture program. That was the same summer when I also suffered sleep deprivation and I learned how to hear voices during the hours of struggling to sleep.

When I'm doing these 'hostage negotiations,' there's all this disinformation and misunderstanding. Nobody knows who's responsible for what. The basic idea is that Americans are being attacked with electronic harassment, in order to force the US government to get out of Iraq, or perhaps, to force us to do something else they want.

Yesterday they were talking about the news article that said somebody was getting their hands cut off by the government in the Middle East - I saw the article but I didn't read it. They wanted somebody to go rescue that person. I don't know any of the details about it.

All of this stuff goes on inside my head. But in reality, the end result is that I don't get anything useful done. It might sound big and entertaining, but I don't gain a single thing from it. I hate when my whole weekend gets wasted and then I have to go back to work, and I don't want to go. Today I have that awful feeling where you have to go to work, and you just really, really, really don't want to go. I feel like I'm getting nowhere.

The bombardments make it so that you FEEL like you're doing something big, and useful, and important - by helping with hostage negotiations. But in reality, nothing is happening. All of the real-world problems are still exactly like they were. And this takes up your time for hours and hours. It's a great way to distract somebody and make sure that nothing useful actually happens. It's like pretending, or watching television, or reading books, or playing games - it's like a form of entertainment. That wouldn't be so much of a problem, to use 'fantasy' as a form of entertainment - except it happens when I'm trying to think about important things! I want to get stuff done and make decisions, and THAT'S when the 'fantasy' phenomena are going on.

Well, I'm going to work today whether I like it or not. But I'm not happy about it.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Fools for Christ, Fools for Atheism?

(*Well, here's the situation. I write lots more stuff than what I actually publish on my blog. On the blog, I only post things that are relatively neatly written, relatively coherent - although I know they aren't always - and I keep the subject matter restrained, proper, and calm, cool, and collected. But meanwhile, I spend hours and hours writing journals that I just keep without publishing them. I write them for my own entertainment, to enjoy my own thought processes. They're sloppy, they're rambling, they're disorganized. In my private journals I write about things that are vulnerable, things that are gross, embarrassing, sexual, personal, strange, bizarre. I write about what exactly the voices say and do, what happens, what they want, what we've been thinking about. I'm forming lots of unfinished ideas that aren't neat-and-tidy enough to publish. I write about specific people, too. So today I decided that this particular journal would go to the blog instead. I had to change a couple minor details because occasionally there are people whose names I don't feel comfortable mentioning in public. I might change that later on.*)

(*The problem with just posting this journal is that it mentions things and refers to things that I've written elsewhere. There is a long history of other journals before this one. People reading this would say 'What the hell?' because they don't have the slightest idea of what I've been spending all my time thinking about. You're basically opening a book up in the middle and trying to understand how you got there.*)

(*Sometimes, the neat-and-tidy stuff just isn't as interesting as the sloppy stuff that I don't publish. I have been interacting with 'the voices' for YEARS. This is not new! And some unusual, interesting, and also in some ways terrible, events began, starting in april and continuing through may, and on since then. I haven't publicly explained much about what in the world happened. In my notes I've been joking that it must have been the 'economic stimulus package' that caused all this to happen - which is why I find it rather frightening that Obama says we need yet another economic stimulus package! And the seduction community was also involved. So this writing has been going on for a while now, but I just wasn't ready to summarize the whole thing in a readable, organized way.*)

(*Once again, it's that situation where somebody has two different selves: they show one self to the public, and the other self is doing and saying and thinking all these things that nobody knows about. I keep the 'messy, disorganized rambling' writing away from everybody. But it's authentic and interesting in some ways.*)

(*So, beware. My writing is usually somewhat detached and impersonal. This isn't!*)

they're telling me that some of the guys are doing the exact opposite of everything i say, in order to be counter-authoritarian, or something. i don't know if it's true or not but they claimed that somebody actually got circumcised, while also being an adult and able to consciously choose not to.

then again, that could be just metaphorical, because i compared circumcision to my tooth removals - i said that if i rejected people for having been circumcised as infants, which they had no choice about, then it would be the same as if somebody rejected me because i had teeth removed from my mouth when i was too young to decide about it. so maybe somebody else had dental work done and that's all it is. they sometimes just give me fantasies about things so that i'll start talking about an entertaining subject. it's always supposed to be something that either is explicitly sexual or has an embarrassing double meaning that i myself am not aware of until it's too late. (i was thinking of something just now and they said the word 'watermelon.' this is based on the joke or myth, where you see a pregnant woman and say she must have swallowed a watermelon seed and it grew inside her. i remember that myth from when i was a kid, that swallowing watermelon seeds is what causes pregnancy. i know somebody told me not to swallow watermelon seeds but they didn't explain the reason why. now, i know apple seeds contain cyanide, as do flax seeds, which i only learned recently, so you don't want to eat lots of them. but watermelon seeds make you get pregnant. that must be how the 'pregnant man' got pregnant! i didn't read that news article.)

the 'fools for christ' research has to do with the idea that my obvious changes in grooming rituals can serve a purpose of drawing attention to my new religion. they saw it as just being chaos or 'troublemaking' or something, just having fun, but i can't just go have fun without some kind of rationale behind it. so for me, it's a religion. the joke was 'making sense out of making scents.' i smell unwashed because my religion tells me to be that way. the 'fools for christ' concept is just that people do strange, visible things that get other people's attention and help to convert them. i don't necessarily mean going crazy and talking to god out loud and walking around the streets half naked and some of the other things they described. i'll be a little more tame about it. just a slight nudge of cognitive dissonance here and there. but it's actually not just for that purpose. i really was 'doing what the voices told me to do.'

the concept of ending some people's deprivation, the people who are most keenly aware of grooming, aware of humans as animals, aware of the loss of hair and scent - only some people are strongly aware of it, others are only vaguely aware of it, others might briefly muse over an occasional question 'do i really have to do this?' when they don't feel in the mood to spend half an hour scraping a razor over the entire surface area of their legs, and others say 'of course you have to do it! human bodies are totally disgusting unless we spend hours and hours and thousands of dollars to change everything about ourselves!' - the goal is to find the small but devoted cult following, the ones most keenly aware of this loss and deprivation, the ones most grateful to see their fantasies manifested in real people.

when you walk around in public, visible to the world, as 'fools for christ,' (or fools for atheism, or the name of my local sect, whatever that sect's name will be) and people see a group of religious people who all have long hair and beards, and the women have hairy legs, and everyone 'smells like horses,' then it's an advertisement to the small but devoted cult following who's been looking for this all along. of course, the logistics of everybody having long hair at the same time are actually difficult. new members won't have long hair. they're 'in training.' you only get long hair after a decade or two. only the lifetime members will be really noticeable when we walk around in public as a group.

but it doesn't matter. body hair is fully grown in about a year. i can't recall which year it was, but i did shave off all of my hair sometime a few years ago. i stopped shaving back in the early nineties, like 1993-94, and had one or two temporary incidents of shaving it all off for one reason or another - i don't know for sure, but the one time was when i lived with eric, and he and i both shaved our entire bodies together for the fun of it. but it wasn't fun! after you've shaved a very large area with very long hair on it that has never been shaved before, the razor gets very dull. then the dull razor scrapes the skin and causes horrible razor burn, which tortures you for weeks. you get this bumpy rash over every single hair follicle. eric was furious. he swore he would never, ever do that again! if you ever try that, you have to remove the 'gross filth and heavy soil,' so to speak, the overall long hair, first, using an electric razor or something. then, finally, after all that, you can smooth it down to skin level with a sharp razor. 'gross filth and heavy soil' is something usually written in the instructions of cleaning products. it means that you won't get something very clean at all if you merely try to spray it with the cleaning product while it's still covered in large lumps of mud and dirt and things like that. you have to get rid of that first. that's why it annoys the heck out of me when i see people at work taking the scissors that were used for cutting the chicken strings, and the scissors are all covered with blobs of grease, and they stick it into the sanitizer container as though the sanitizer will magically sanitize all the way through those big blobs of grease. it's disgusting to pull a pair of wet scissors out of the container and see that it's all just a bunch of grease covered in sanitizer. nobody bothers to remove the 'gross filth and heavy soil' first. but anyway.

i've had these discussions with them in my mind. being obsessed with this phenomenon is a real thing and it's very painful and humiliating for the people who experience it. imagine if you really, really desire something, but everybody says it's disgusting, and they absolutely refuse to do it for you. they make fun of you for even wanting it, for even talking about it. i'm saying that this is legitimate and i take it seriously. they know i understand because i feel the same difficulty finding long-haired men with beards. (the typographical error said 'long-haired men with bears.' 'bears' are large hairy men, so that typo fits. in reality i've usually gone after the smaller and thinner men, but it was just an amusing typo.)

they like talking to me about this subject, they like it when i write about it, they like the fact that i'm actually doing it in reality, but at the same time they always feel sort of embarrassed, ashamed, or humiliated, for demanding this, for obsessing about it, for thinking about it so frequently. someone theorized that it's an 'oral fixation' of some kind that probably is connected with being hungry and thirsty. i know from my own observation that i think about sex a lot if i'm actually hungry and thirsty. so you could probably reduce the obsession if you just eat and drink something and 'take the edge off.'

i remember something i read about free trade. they said that free trade between countries is one of the best ways to prevent wars. if one country has something that another country really, really wants - like oil - then it will tend to cause wars if the countries don't have free trading of that commodity. people want to invade iraq so they can take over the plentiful oil wells. OPEC controls the production and pricing of oil, so that is something other than free trade - it's restricted trade.

well, the same thing happens when one gender controls resources that the other gender sexually desires and can't get on their own. if they restrict it, it causes that deprivation and obsession. it becomes a 'fetish.' we've mentioned that word and we think it's the wrong word to use for appreciation of the natural body, because, in my opinion, a 'fetish' is something bizarre, something unnatural, something that can't or shouldn't be done in reality. humans have had bodies like this for tens of thousands of years, so therefore, all the excessive grooming, the running water and electricity and hot showers and perfumed factory-made cosmetics - all of THAT stuff is the bizarre and unnatural 'fetish.'

i found this reassuring: i'm glad that i mentioned the 'horse barn' analogy. i love the smell of horse barns, even though that smell contains things that you might think would be disgusting, like horse urine and manure. horse sweat has a specific, recognizable smell. but being around the animals, and grooming them, and riding them, is a pleasant memory i have from childhood. i loved the barn. my mom loves the horses and they're the center of her life. the smell of the horses is part of that. if the smell were gone, the whole experience wouldn't be the same. whenever i feel embarrassed about how i smell, i think of the horse barn analogy, and i tell myself i smell like a horse. it reassures me.

actually, in reality, the smell fades away after i've been inside a dehydrated, air-conditioned building for a while, with the low humidity. i have tested going quite a few days without showers and, somehow, it stops 'building up' after some point. it doesn't just get more and more extreme. you reach a stable point and it doesn't get much more intense. but i find it uncomfortable to have sweaty, greasy skin, especially on my face, so i usually wash my face if only that. you sometimes rub your hand over your face, and it rubs the oils into your eyes, which burns a lot and irritates your eyes. there is a very soothing comfort to the 'sauna' effect of a hot shower, so i don't want to abandon showers entirely. however, in a small, primitive, subsistence community, hot baths and showers are extremely expensive. big pots of water boiling over a hot fire - that's where hot baths come from. that's not convenient. so you have to get used to going without it. (i don't like the 'have to' phrase.)

in the religion, the idea is that we explicitly accept that humans are animals, which is another reason why i accept meat-eating (LITERAL meat-eating). i ate pork ribs today from damon's. oddly enough, even though damon's is nearby, i never go there. but i wanted to try eating 'real meat,' because i've been eating all this awful processed food, like sliced deli meat. i haven't had any real food. i don't keep groceries in my refrigerator. each meal is prepared as needed, by purchasing it ready-made, because i have trouble cooking, partly because of cooking for only one person, and for a lot of other reasons. in reality, i would love to have made-from-scratch, prepared-at-home, feingold-diet, healthy food.

the voices - i'll get angry if i think about this - always attacked me, the criminals, if i was purchasing a lot of prepared foods or foods from sheetz. they called me a spendthrift and i wasn't a spendthrift. i bought foods on a day-to-day, emergency basis because of extremely severe chronic fatigue. you don't know how hard it is to cook for yourself when you are spending all day in bed. and whenever you feel half-starved, you can't even get up and move around UNTIL you've had something to eat, so i had to go get stuff to eat right away merely IN ORDER to get up and do anything. it is not easy at all to take care of myself whenever i'm sick and fatigued. but they did really terrible things, like giving me dreams at night, if i got food from sheetz (which they called 'shitz') and gave me dreams about shit. and they acted like i WANTED to eat food from sheetz, even though, actually, i can't stand their food, and i only buy it because it's the only place open in the middle of the night when THE CRIMINALS have awakened you, and you shouldn't be awake anyway. it's a convenient, nearby place, with awful food and no variety, and i don't buy it because i LIKE it, but because i am too sick and exhausted to cook, and everything i buy goes bad, because i can't eat it all. they acted like buying junk food at sheetz was a 'reward.' i remember times whenever they gave me 'rewards' by 'allowing' or 'encouraging' me to go out and buy junk food, even though in reality junk food is disgusting to me and i would love to have cooked-at-home-from-scratch food if i could. they never understood. they thought that my junk food was 'self-indulgent,' when actually it's something i don't enjoy at all. they thought that i LIKE junk food, and that i'm ENJOYING myself when i eat junk food.

junk food is starvation food. junk food is deprivation. healthy, home-cooked food is MUCH more 'self-indulgent' and is actually enjoyable. home-cooked meals depend on having several people there to prepare them and to eat them so the food doesn't go to waste. you can't make single portions inefficiently every day, after coming home from work and not wanting to do anything. you can't eat an entire head of cabbage or lettuce before it spoils. (actually, cabbage lasts forever, that's a bad example. but lettuce gets ruined really quickly.) that's why i wanted a garden. i would just pull a couple of leaves when i needed them. so i HATE being stuck here forced to eat junk food, fake food, and non-nutritious food. i want natural foods and home-cooked foods that meet my dietary requirements, that don't cause me to feel muddle-headed (like wheat gluten tends to do) and restless and sick and uncomfortable.

in my family, growing up, we had certain kinds of foods. my parents tended to purchase certain things that were not the kind of foods i would have wanted. i actually wanted more healthy foods available. i craved vegetables and fruits - they were scarce and special. we only had certain kinds of fruits, sometimes, and they were fruits i hated. I HATE APPLES! what part of 'i hate apples' don't you understand? but my parents always had things like apples and oranges. when i lived with them, whenever i didn't have a job, when i had to eat my parents' food, they always had stuff like cookies and chips available, but i couldn't go get a bunch of fruits and vegetables or 'real meat.' i could get bologna, or pepperoni, which aren't 'real' by my definition, and cheese, and stuff like that. but i had to wait for mom to make dinner if i wanted any real foods, and we didn't always have a prepared dinner, and it wasn't always a healthy dinner. we had canned foods in the cupboard, and so if i wanted a hot meal i could get a can of campbell's soup. but... canned soup is disgusting! i feel sick even thinking about what it was like when there was nothing to eat and i had to open a can of soup because nothing else was available and there wasn't any real food.

i really liked the food from damon's, actually. a small half rack of ribs was $14, which is really expensive. the ribs were great. they're like the caviar of pigs. i know caviar is fish eggs, but i'm referring to the fact that it's scarce and expensive and sought-after. the ribs are like that. they're so expensive but they're really good. i ate it all really quickly and it was gone. there was hardly anything there. i've been thinking about this because i read about the 'paleolithic diet,' which emphasized meat, since they were hunting mammoths and stuff before the ice age killed them all. (i can't talk about 'pigs,' because the voices always interpret pigs as referring to police officers. different animals refer to different kinds of people and personalities.)

i was studying nutrition and reading books about it. i wanted nutrition to help me with my chronic fatigue. i didn't understand that my chronic fatigue was probably happening because of pesticides and chemicals that were used to treat the wood on the sides of the house.

i was thinking back about why we didn't have good food. i sort of remember what happened, but i'm not sure. i had 'deprivation' times in my adolescence. a couple of things. i originally was focused on talking about food, but actually i thought of something else too. my dad moved us to west virginia, when we used to live in greensburg pa. it was because the hospital changed management. the policies changed and he didn't like the way they were running the place. we went someplace else because of that. that was my understanding of why we moved. anyway, dad had a 'midlife crisis,' which was the phrase mom used to describe it. he would've been in his early forties if i recall. the psychologists (the imaginary ones, who talk to me in my mind, that is) have all pointed out to me that i've spent many years dating older men, in their early forties - i dated the married guy joe who was 41 when i was 23, and i dated eric who was in his late thirties, when i was in my mid twenties. i found, ummmm, 'paul,' (yes, i probably shouldn't mention his name) who is now 41, and he was i guess 39 when i met him. i've dated men in their late thirties and early forties, over and over, and they tell me it's because that's when dad stopped being loving and fatherly because he went through his crisis. he withdrew, and became focused on money, because he hated his job more than anything else, and all that he wanted on earth was to be able to stop working and retire early.

so he focused all his energy on learning about the stock market, about saving money, about investing, and he made himself become wealthy, in order to leave his job. and he regretted having children, because if it weren't for the children he wouldn't have been so tied to his job. he explicitly admitted that, in a conversation with me when i was an adult, when i asked him about his choice to have children. this affected my own feelings about children, and how childbearing can be a wonderful thing if only you have enough social support for it, so that you don't become a slave to providing for your children at the expense of all your own happiness, your own free time, your own hobbies, time alone in private, fun activities and vacations, etc. we stopped doing fun stuff. we stopped going on vacations, because it was expensive to go to the beach and stay in hotels, and it was expensive to fly on planes. he also bought a large house, and actually, i don't really understand why we bought a large house. i'm not sure why they made that decision. we had only four people. and a couple dogs and cats and fish and horses. but the horses weren't in the house. :) we didn't need much space.

the house was expensive and he had to pay off the debt. this is ridiculous nowadays, with the housing bubble and the prices of millions of dollars for a tiny little place, but back then, in 1983, our house was really expensive - it was like $200,000 or $250,000, something like that. that was hugely expensive back then. it was a big deal. other houses were like $50,000. you can't imagine how cheap houses were back then compared to now, if you didn't see it. our house is pretty big. but he had to pay off all this debt and he hated being in debt, so he was a debt-slave because of a house that was really too big for us.

and they wonder why i don't feel comfortable about inheritance, and taking money from my parents - i can't stand it - i hate to accept their birthday and christmas checks - it's partly because it throws me off, financially, and makes it hard for me to predict what my earnings will be, and it's complicated - but it's also because self-reliance is an issue, where i'm not burdening my father. this is in the inigo montoya 'i want my father back, you son of a bitch' kind of spirit. money and gifts don't mean anything. you want the real person. i would rather have a close relationship with my father instead of a financial gift.

anyway, i was talking about deprivations. we were focused on saving money, and so we didn't get really nice food. we got cheap food. we bought stuff in bulk. we bought non-perishable foods, and you can pretty much bet that anything non-perishable is going to be fake and artificial and processed and full of preservatives. for me, going out to the freezer in the garage, and getting a box of frozen spinach, was a special treat. i had to ask permission to go cook a box of spinach, because vegetables were expensive. dad complained if i ate too many boxes of frozen vegetables. we had a garden in greensburg, and we made one in west virginia too, but we didn't really plant much in wv. i didn't even really feel comfortable cooking in the kitchen at all. it wasn't 'my territory.' it was mom's kitchen. i was afraid to claim too much of it, afraid to make a mess, afraid to really use it. it wasn't mine. so the kids on the school bus, and the kids at school, thought that my brother and i were 'rich' because my dad was a doctor and we lived in a large house. but we didn't live like we were rich and i didn't feel rich. we didn't waste money on indulgences. people were jealous of me, for something i wasn't even enjoying. you could be jealous of somebody for being miserable all the time, i guess, but that doesn't make much sense. actually i wasn't miserable, i was pretty happy when i was younger. i had moments of happiness. but i did have lots of problems with fatigue in my later teens and i spent most of the time sleeping.

it really meant something to me when john found the julian simon book. a lot of the important books i've read came from john. not all of them, but many of them. it totally changed my view of families and children. my belief in large families is not trivial - it's very serious. this belief in 'two children' is all over the united states. it's supposedly the 'american dream!' a family with two children is the 'dream' lifestyle. it represents 'perfection,' a desired state of things. but i love it in the harry potter movies, at the burrow, with all the weasley kids around the table. they're poor, but they have their own garden, and they have company. it's true, you would want space and time alone and you would need quiet and privacy. i understand that.

well, the midlife crisis thing was one of the deprivation problems. another time was later on, in my late teens, when mom for some reason kind of stopped cooking. i am not sure why. i remember that these neighbors moved in and we didn't get along with them. they were jerks in a lot of ways. the horse barn was on their property. we got along with the previous people, who owned the horse barn. we borrowed space in their barn because we didn't have our own. when the previous people moved out and the new people moved in, it was a major conflict since we were using their barn. and they were loud and annoying and they just ... i don't even remember the kinds of stupid things they did. they were destructive and irresponsible in a lot of ways. these were the people whose son i dated, the son who later turned out to be gay, the one that i got in a fistfight about. he collected all these japanese anime movies.

anyway during that time mom was always stressed and she didn't put much effort into cooking. we had sparser meals. she was probably going through menopause too. we were kind of on our own. i could go to the refrigerator and put something together, but it wasn't any good. it was that cheese and pepperoni kind of thing. not real food. (i know, anytime i talk about sausage-shaped objects, people are thinking about penises. but i'm just talking about LITERAL pepperoni.) so that time period was a major stress time, the conflict about our horses being stuck in somebody else's barn and we didn't like the people responsible for that property. so we started building our own barn. we bought the empty lot next door and put the new barn there. that really helped mom a lot and she loves having her own place. but for a while it was terrible.

it makes me angry because, why is it that people are able to read your mind, but they totally misinterpret you and don't understand you at all? they totally mis-portray and misunderstand everything you do, and distort it to mean something which is not you at all, and how can that possibly happen if they're able to read your mind and see everything you're feeling? why can't they understand how it feels to be you? and they rationalize that people enjoy pain and suffering, merely because they themselves enjoy inflicting it upon others without the victims' consent, when in fact, we ENDURE and SURVIVE pain and suffering, and we get stockholm syndrome, identifying with the attackers, and they make us behave in unnatural ways for years at a time, which is why i wrote the horrible emails to the guy i met in the chatroom. i didn't do that stuff because i liked it. i didn't like being the victim of an attack. i was a puppet and i was twisted and abused to do things that were not at all like myself or who i wanted to be.

so anyway. thinking of a religious community. it's going to be pro-sexual instead of anti-sexual, pro-body instead of anti-body, supporting life on earth, etc. all the stuff that ayn rand would've complained about whenever she hated religions - it's in the general spirit of doing the stuff she would have liked and avoiding the stuff she hated. although i am going to say that the ascetic urge isn't necessarily antilife, or any other stuff she might have said about it - for instance, it turns out that occasional fasting really is good for your mental clarity, because i know about the feingold diet, wheat gluten intolerance, and stuff like that.

and nathaniel branden pointed out other mistakes ayn rand made, in requiring people to be perfectionistically rational all the time, and disowning feelings and emotions, and all that - i don't need to go into it - it's easy enough to just read it from nathaniel branden himself. he did a good job of naming everything that made me uncomfortable about ayn rand. for a while, my brother was a hardcore rand follower, and he used to get annoyed with me if i said things that were 'irrational.' i was afraid to say anything at all for fear of making a mistake. i was afraid to be myself. (they're suggesting that maybe people are afraid to talk to me because i'm going to judge them harshly. but i'm a lot more tolerant than that.) anyway, the religion will explicitly address people's sexuality, instead of making sex into a big secret the way the puritans did. some of it i would say is 'inspired by objectivism' or 'based on objectivism,' although a lot of things are behind the general idea, the concept of it, the spirit of it. it's not very specific as of yet.

however, ayn rand wasn't pro-family. she didn't have children. she was focused on creativity, writing, thinking, philosophizing. she wasn't explicitly anti-family either, but she had a kind of scorn for people who excessively valued 'motherhood' and all that. there are themes through her books where she makes it look like valuing parenthood and families is bad. that's not really where i originally got my own feeling from. i was anti-family and anti-childbearing before reading ayn rand. i thought it would prevent me from having any fun, doing random and spontaneous things, being free to move around, spending my money however i wanted, etc. anyway i'm just saying that my religious concepts have some background in objectivism, but they're not LIMITED to objectivism. they incorporate other things that objectivism didn't have, such as emphasis on families and emotions and relationships.

it's interesting, i read that it's much more common years ago to have ten children, and other large numbers like that. i've encountered several instances of this in recent readings and discussions. i was talking to someone about geneology at work, and in her research she had found someone who had ten kids, and i just saw another example of either nine or ten kids in my reading, last night. often, the children died before they grew up. since i advocate the refusal of vaccinations, then having ten or fifteen kids is a good idea. (since i like the dozenal notation instead of the decimal notation, i should advocate having twelve kids. i just mention fifteen because that was the number i said many months ago when i first started talking about this.)

this is something they complain about with the africans - they say that africans are having too many kids, and all their problems would be solved if only they reduced their population. julian simon can totally destroy that whole argument. it's a load of crap. i don't know what caused the AIDS virus in africa, but it might have been caused by vaccinations. there are some decent theories as to how or why vaccinations could have caused the AIDS epidemic in africa. they want me to write about the disinformation campaign saying that circumcision (of course, it'll be universal involuntary infant circumcision, as always) prevents the spread of AIDS. i am going to argue that even if it were true and correct, it still doesn't justify involuntary infant circumcision. anyway, the population in africa ISN'T the cause of the starvation and economic problems and diseases! not only is the population moderate, not high, but also, the children born are all dying before they reach adulthood - so who WOULDN'T try to bear as many children as possible? i'd have to go get out the 'ultimate resource' book to really go into detail about how to destroy this disinformation, but that's the general idea.

if you ever are going to obey someone else's command, it helps if they're commanding you to do things that are congruent with what you're already doing - things that are in the same overall spirit of stuff you already like. they noticed that i already questioned shaving, hair length, mustache whiskers, and deodorant (which i've used intermittently, sometimes going without it for several years). so they said that if i were going to obey any kind of command or orders or rules at all, they would be rules telling me to do what i was already doing, and do an even better job of it, taking it to its 'logical extreme.' if i'm going to question grooming, i might as well question more and more aspects of it. and it helps if they tell me that i'm doing it for somebody, a guy, who either is disgusted by perfumes, outright allergic to them, or excited by natural smells, or all of the above. and since i sympathize with that myself, it's a 'downhill battle' to convince me.

well, i think i could write a blog today about religious and meditative experiences and how they used to be different. i'm claiming, by my 'humans instead of aliens theory,' that the change in psychological phenomena was recent, in the past hundred years. either the aliens only showed up recently, or else it's not aliens, and it really is because of advances in human technology that we're now experiencing psychotronic mind control events. i can't disprove the aliens theory, but i can get evidence suggesting that things only changed rather recently, and that long ago, people had totally different kinds of experiences while meditating. and the source of this material is the religious texts. they describe their meditative experiences, their visions, what they saw and heard and felt. they did not 'hear voices' explicitly speaking to them in words, telling them things. when they talked about 'hearing the voice of god,' they always explained that this was just a metaphorical thing, not a literal voice saying words - it was a special kind of mental experience. the large numbers of people who 'hear voices' nowadays is a NEW phenomenon. they literally hear words and sentences being spoken. that is not at all what the old mystics, meditators, and religious people wrote about in the old texts.

one thing i want to be careful about is this: when people know your background, when they know that you have 'psychological' or 'historical' reasons motivating things you do, giving you a perspective and feeling about something, they think that means it's no longer legitimate or logical. it's all merely psychological, therefore everything you're doing is a metaphor for something psychological that you're frustrated about. they could say that my religion isn't 'real,' because, actually, it's all just a bunch of deprivation and not having enough love from my father and things like that.

however, i'm going to argue this: physical appearance, clothing styles, hairstyles, grooming, etc, are all very ARBITRARY, unless you have an actual safety and health purpose for something. you can do just about anything you want, and objectively, it really doesn't matter. it doesn't make much difference how you dress or how you style your hair, in terms of objective results. there are totally different kinds of reasons for having a particular style of appearance. it tells people what tribe you're in, what group, what gang, what community. it tells other people that they can trust or distrust you, that you are familiar or unfamiliar to them. (note, i'm not saying we should go around distrusting everybody. i'm just saying we automatically trust people who look more familiar.) so i could just as easily argue that, for my religious community, we really need to wear rainbow-striped mohawks, and this is really important, and it has to be exactly that way and no other way, and the mohawk must reach but not exceed a particular length. objectively, there is no reason why not (unless you don't like touching the chemicals used for coloring the hair and spiking it up, which would fall in the 'safety reasons' argument). now that i think about it, the chemicals will probably make you more likely to go bald later on, although i'm not sure about that. but i'm just saying that you can pick any particular physical appearance you choose, for your 'sect' or community, and you can argue that it's just arbitrary, therefore 'why not this and not some other style?'

but anyway. if someone says that i have an obsession with certain physical appearances because there was 'something psychological' in my background or family history, that can be true, but that doesn't make it invalid. there is no particular reason WHY NOT. why not arbitrarily invent a new particular style of physical appearance, and ask that everyone who joins your group must look this way? the only reason i'm not openly urging anyone to do it right this very instant is because i don't actually have a plot of land picked out where i'm going to build my tents and shanties out of old junk. i don't have a chosen stream to pull buckets of water from. when i've settled my affairs here then i can go do that. that's when i'll start the advertisements saying something to the effect of 'hey, would you like to cook for me?'

they don't want me to abandon the 'community' fantasy if i start a real family and get married. if i have all those family needs satisfied, they think i won't care about a community anymore. they really would like to see this happen out in the real world, because it would have a helpful impact and it would help a lot of the 'lost' people who have nowhere to go. the people with no culture. the tribeless people who don't know what to do, and they live unhealthy lives because they don't know what to eat or what poisons to avoid. they don't know what to believe, what to value, what to think, how to understand anything, what's important, what's unimportant. they think that the stuff on television can tell them what they should value and believe. so they spend hundreds of dollars on hairspray and makeup. and big cars and big houses. (*and also, from another perspective, this will be important as the economy falls apart and makes more people homeless and jobless. the community is supposed to protect people against the collapse of fiat money.*)

because on television, all the tv shows are about renovating houses. i don't have tv, but i see it when i visit 'paul.' he has the tv on all the time, because his drugs and his illness make him too sick to really do anything useful at home except sit there. he can't be ambitious. the drugs make him tired and depressed. and he won't question anything about using those drugs or any of the advice the doctors give him. i can't help and i gave up on trying to help. i wanted to give him nutritious foods and some kind of herbal medicine, but it's just too much for me, with his kidney failure and him going on dialysis and all that. and my life fell apart totally, because i contaminated the house with ephedra, because i had chronic fatigue, which was made worse by contamination with st. john's wort.... which i had to use because i myself was tired and unambitious and couldn't do anything... which was because i didn't grow up in a community that taught me how to eat properly and how to avoid poisons and food allergens and other things. (although we were lucky my parents found the feingold diet - i at least vaguely knew about that, but most of my life, i wasn't on the diet.) and they wanted me to mention my metallic dental filling too. that wasn't good for me. (*i haven't written yet on my blog about the horrors of the new resin composite fillings! my advice is, don't get them, they're AWFUL, and i'm not quite ready to talk about it yet, but it's very, very, VERY bad for you to get composite fillings.*)

it goes on and on and on... it never ends... (*i've been chemical-sensitive all my life*)... one thing led to another... and so many things went wrong, and wasted so much of my life, and i wasn't able to help myself or help anybody else, for so long. all this time. just because of being sick and fatigued constantly. it's a huge, huge waste. and lots of people are experiencing this chronic illness. the chronic health problems are everywhere and they have many causes.

the community is designed to protect people against that kind of thing, so that our lives aren't wasted, and we can get started earlier, and more efficiently, to live happier, healthier lives.

they want to make sure that this goal still matters to me, even if my own needs are fulfilled by marriage and family. they don't want the community to be merely a fantasy, merely a metaphor for something unfulfilled in my own life. they want it to be a real place, with a physical location, and real people with names, living in it, for the rest of their lives, and it will go on after our deaths. it won't need a charismatic leader. it will be good enough that people WANT to live there, to meet the needs they can't meet outside. it has to go on after my death and after the death of the first generation who builds it. it's meant to protect us over the next millennium, which is really ambitious, since nobody can see ahead that far. i know we can't predict anything for a whole millennium. i know we can't perfectionistically guarantee that this exact location will still belong to our descendants 1000 years from now. that's not what i mean. i mean in just a very general, vague way, it will 'get us started in the right direction' and help things along. it won't be perfect. it won't be immortal. it won't be exactly the same 1000 years from now as it is today. it won't be what it was when it began. in fact we might not recognize it, or we might get mad and say 'that's not what we wanted for you!' but you still do it anyway.

the idea is that it's better than nothing at all. what we have right now in our society is a big mess. nobody knows what to do. nobody supports anybody. nobody knows their neighbors. people are isolated. families are in their own little worlds, in their own separate little houses. and it's not helping us to 'develop our unique identities,' by living that way. instead it's making people aimless, uncertain, afraid, not knowing who they are, not knowing what they want, and they try to do things that don't satisfy them. if living in isolated nuclear-family houses, without knowing our neighbors, actually DID help us develop unique identities, that would be different. if we really DID know our own unique identities because we're allowed to style our hair however we want, and wear whatever kind of clothing we want, then it would be okay. but we've done that, and it isn't working. we just have a big mess. nobody knows who they are.

meanwhile, and i have to mention this, and i know it interrupts the smooth flow of talking about a nice, pleasant community, and a nice, pleasant, primitive lifestyle, and families, and food, and religions, and all that, and hairstyles. but i HAVE to mention that meanwhile, underneath all this normal stuff, there are bad things happening that involve technology. and i don't know exactly how to do it, but that HAS to be incorporated into the protectiveness of the community. a way of protecting against it, understanding what it is, liberating ourselves from the slavery of it. that is absolutely essential to 'knowing who we are.' we can't know who we are, when we're stuck with other people's personalities in our heads. no matter how primitive this particular community or sect might be, i still imagine that it addresses all those things we don't like to talk about, the psychotronic technologies, no matter how hard it is to talk about those things, no matter how little detailed information we have about them or their sources - it HAS to be addressed, not avoided. if it's going to protect people for hundreds of years into the future, it MUST confront these technological phenomena. they're not going away.