out of the frying pan into the fire.

I've been having a bad day of what I call 'bombardments.' That's when I'm trying to think about things or make decisions, but the whispers keep interrupting. It's these constant, neverending attacks that seem to be computer-generated, because they tend to repeat the same phrases over and over again, as though it's pre-recorded.

Here's what I've been struggling to focus on and think about. I've been trying to make a decision about what to do with my composite fillings. I really, really want to get them out of my teeth! They DID leach bisphenol-A, a LOT of it, on the first day when they were placed, and I'm not sure if they're still leaching it or not, but I'm still having unpleasant symptoms that I can't ignore. The symptoms aren't going away. They are VERY disturbing.

It was one of those situations where one day you're perfectly fine, and the next day, you have a bunch of brand-new, really bad symptoms that weren't there before, and they just keep continuing, for as long as the fillings are in your teeth.

Chronic heavy metal poisoning from amalgam fillings does stuff to you, but chronic resin composite poisoning also does stuff to you. The symptoms are, in some ways, even MORE dramatic and noticeable, disturbing and urgent.

The problems are bad enough that I have decided that I will NOT recommend that ANYBODY get composite fillings. I would say you should totally avoid them, no matter what kind they are. I don't know what to recommend instead. If you get porcelain fillings, you might still have a problem because of the glue, or sealant, or whatever, that's used to hold the piece of porcelain in place. And gold fillings are likely to be bad for you too - I'm pretty sure they contain copper, and copper causes a lot of problems. Copper is probably involved in the mercury-silver amalgam filling problems, but it's overlooked because all of the attention is focused on mercury, since mercury seems even scarier. And gold itself is a heavy metal, although it's less toxic than mercury.

I really haven't got an answer to this problem. And I can't think about anything at all because of the bombardments on my mind. It's a 'bad brain day.'

I had a bad weekend - I didn't get ANYTHING done. I wanted to work on the dental fillings decision. I couldn't make up my mind. Everything I do seems to make the situation worse.

Meanwhile, along with the 'bombardments,' I've also been dealing with what I call 'hostage negotiations.' This is when I end up writing journals for hours about things the voices are saying, and I interact with people who claim to be government agents, and people who seem as though they're from the Middle East.

It's interesting, I read a news article that said that in the summer of 2003, there was a program going on in Guantanamo called 'Project Sandman.' It was a sleep deprivation torture program. That was the same summer when I also suffered sleep deprivation and I learned how to hear voices during the hours of struggling to sleep.

When I'm doing these 'hostage negotiations,' there's all this disinformation and misunderstanding. Nobody knows who's responsible for what. The basic idea is that Americans are being attacked with electronic harassment, in order to force the US government to get out of Iraq, or perhaps, to force us to do something else they want.

Yesterday they were talking about the news article that said somebody was getting their hands cut off by the government in the Middle East - I saw the article but I didn't read it. They wanted somebody to go rescue that person. I don't know any of the details about it.

All of this stuff goes on inside my head. But in reality, the end result is that I don't get anything useful done. It might sound big and entertaining, but I don't gain a single thing from it. I hate when my whole weekend gets wasted and then I have to go back to work, and I don't want to go. Today I have that awful feeling where you have to go to work, and you just really, really, really don't want to go. I feel like I'm getting nowhere.

The bombardments make it so that you FEEL like you're doing something big, and useful, and important - by helping with hostage negotiations. But in reality, nothing is happening. All of the real-world problems are still exactly like they were. And this takes up your time for hours and hours. It's a great way to distract somebody and make sure that nothing useful actually happens. It's like pretending, or watching television, or reading books, or playing games - it's like a form of entertainment. That wouldn't be so much of a problem, to use 'fantasy' as a form of entertainment - except it happens when I'm trying to think about important things! I want to get stuff done and make decisions, and THAT'S when the 'fantasy' phenomena are going on.

Well, I'm going to work today whether I like it or not. But I'm not happy about it.