Sometimes it feels like almost all of my speech is fake.

I've been semi-jokingly calling the phenomenon 'puppetmouth.' If I weren't hearing voices, then I'd do a lot less talking and a lot more doing. Most of what I say, think about, and feel, all day long, is influenced by 'them.' They say things that have a double meaning which is sexual, or things that are insulting to somebody. It's exhausting to try to filter them out and say my own thoughts - I don't know how to identify which thoughts are my own, and not only that, but the larger context is almost always something I wouldn't have been doing anyway if it hadn't been for them.

For instance, if I write a blog at 3AM, I wouldn't have been doing that at all in the first place, except that somebody zapped me awake and wouldn't let me go back to sleep. So if blogs were written at 3AM, chances are they're talking about subjects that somebody WANTS me to talk about. But then, that's actually true all day long - it's just that it's much more obvious that I wouldn't even be blogging at all at 3AM.

You can put this into an even larger context - if it hadn't been for 'them,' my entire life would have been different in many ways, and I wouldn't have been in this particular place doing this particular thing right now. So it can either be at the low-level or the higher-level context where I was doing some activity that wasn't my own idea.

In real life, I am NOT insulting, judgmental, cruel, abusive, etc, the way that I often get portrayed. 'They' freak out over relatively minor, trivial things and make it the end of the world, when I myself would have said it was no big deal. I can think of a few examples. I often hear them ruthlessly, cruelly insulting people's physical appearance and making fun of them at times when I myself never would.