Reality is dangerous

I am almost ready to start telling people to do specific tasks for me. There is too much work for me to do by myself. I wasn't ready to start anything, but the problem with my tooth fillings was just one more problem on top of ten other problems that were already unfinished.

I need more free time, and I need to arrange my life so that I require less money. I need to fix my health problems. I need to remove the composite fillings. I would like to help Peter - that's the one I semi-jokingly called 'Paul.' I need ordinary things done around the house, like cooking. I need the herbal contamination thoroughly cleaned up. I need to work fewer hours at my job. I need to build and test very low-tech, cheap shields to find out whether I can do anything at all to reduce, or change, or affect, the voices, the sleep interruptions, the dreams, and the other phenomena. And I would like to make my life safe enough that I can have at least one child, and hopefully more than that, before I lose that opportunity forever.

A few days ago, they were asking me just how much craziness I could tolerate. It's because of the composite fillings. Sometimes, life and reality really are crazy. Sometimes, it's not just you.

In Iraq and the Middle East, and in other parts of the world, people can't just walk outside and go out to a restaurant down the street. Buildings have been bombed and people are being killed. When you live in a place like that, you do unusual things and crazy things in order to survive.

If a dentist would do what I want, then I would have my composite fillings removed and nothing at all put in their place. The dentist told me that would be unethical, because that's not a normal procedure. If the licensing agencies knew he did that, he could lose his license. But if I say that I want my fillings removed, that's my responsibility. I just want him to do what I tell him to do.

Every time I experience the symptoms caused by the fillings, I feel desperate to get them out as soon as possible. When a foreign object is in your body, leaching toxic chemicals, and you can't easily remove it by yourself for technical reasons, it makes you feel helpless. I might be able to do the canine tooth by myself. But I can't really see the molar well enough to try to remove the filling from it. I will need mirrors and lights, or something, to look at the molar, and I will need either a suction tube like the one at the dentist's, or else just some kind of covering or barrier, to catch the fragments of filling as they are broken out, so that they don't land on the tongue, gums, or any other part of the mouth, and so they don't get swallowed. The surfaces of the cavity will need to be slightly sanded down, to remove the remaining composite glued to the tooth.

I feel as though I can't proceed with any projects or goals at all until this particular problem is solved. This is so bad I can't ignore it or hope it will go away. Every time I seem to get better for a day or two, it gets bad again.

Nobody can decide this for me. The doctors and dentists cannot decide it for me. And I can't start on any other activities until this is done. They'll disagree with me all they want to, but all that will happen is that I'll just sit here dying, until it gets fixed or it doesn't. And that's all that will happen.

I'm looking at the future and I can see that these problems will not go away. There are tasks and projects that I need to start on. They asked me about craziness - about whether it's me that's crazy, or the world. I've decided this: reality is dangerous. It really is. When people say that a bad thing is happening, well, bad things really do happen. We deny them for as long as we can, but eventually, reality inevitably does something about it.

People really do get sick and die. People really do hurt and control other people. I am stuck in a bad situation that I got forced into. It is not something that I chose on my own. Remember, 'preaching to the choir?' There are people out there in the world who know that it's really possible to control people's minds, to make them do things that they didn't choose to do on their own. I might not be able to convince people who disagree with me, but I can preach to the choir, to the people who already know. Those are the people who want the same things I want. We don't want our lives and our personalities controlled. We don't want our choices made for us.

When I'm ready to tell people to do specific things for me, I will write advertisements, and I will post specific contact information on a web page. I have so many tasks to do, so much work, that I will probably need help from several people. It isn't stuff that just one or two people can do.