martin again... the parallel universe theory

i sometimes wonder about the parallel universe theory. that he is living in a parallel universe, a universe of disinformation. the internet servers he reads have been distorted, and he can't reach the other internet servers. like me, finding 'this blog has been deleted.' when it hasn't. and the emails don't get sent, and they don't get received. and i can't see the photos on his page. and he ripped up my note before finishing it, and was prevented from understanding. and he would be forced to avoid things he needed to know. and unable to find them on the internet. and he would have the wrong idea, that people were rejecting him, when actually, they tried desperately to reach him and tell him they cared. that he thought he was sexually rejected, when actually, people found him attractive and loved him. that he thought people were his enemies, when actually they were fellow sufferers and trying to reach him. and that he was being forcibly prevented from understanding. that he was in this parallel universe of disinformation.

it is a huge and ominous conspiracy theory. but his emotions sometimes make me think he's TOTALLY CLUELESS. i don't know. clueless, and i don't mean that i have contempt about that, but i mean, clueless about me, clueless because he can't understand and can't communicate anything to me, and we can't talk to each other. he had mentioned an email that was from a really, really long time ago, as if it were the last thing he read, and he hasn't seen any new information since then. clueless because he is being forced not to know anything.

i have to give a disclaimer, which is that i did the laundry, and put on some clothes that i hadn't worn in a while, and i think they had something on them like st. john's wort, because i was definitely in a strange mood the last couple days, and talking to people and interacting differently than usual. it seemed like a drug phenomenon from the contaminated house/clothing problem.

deep sigh. all right, i guess i will put it on retmeishka. i wanted to put it on the normal blog, because there are things i want to tell him, things i want him to know, and he hasn't been told about retmeishka unless he's hacked or gotten the hackers to tell him. i said i would give him a note, and if that's true, then i don't NEED to tell him this in the blog ahead of time, because it will all be covered, if we can open up a communication.

i really, really do sometimes think he is in the parallel universe of disinformation. that upsets me a lot.

they made a loud clicking noise the last time when i went to his blog and left the comment and sent an email. the loud click was trying to tell me something important. it tells me that psychotronics are INVOLVED in this - whether he himself is one of them, or else he is surrounded by them and affected by them.

his strange 'outbursts' of saying unexpected things and the one time when he 'zoned out' make me think he is a victim, which is the parallel universe theory.

i would like the drugs to wear off and i would be back to a more calm state of mind before talking to him. there is no need for a sense of urgency, franticness, or desperation. that feeling needs to go away, that intense anxiety, because there is no urgency. i said (to myself, that is) that i would prepare a note asking him to communicate with me in a calm, formal environment, with limits and restrictions, possibly with both of us having a friend come along. he could have a friend with him to make sure that i didn't 'say something weird.' i really don't want to say anything 'weird.' when i am ready to write the note, i will tell his friend about it ahead of time, and i would mention that it was a BRIEF note.

i hate not having control over when i use drugs and when i don't, because of their being on the clothing and around the house. the house needs to be cleaned and decontaminated. i don't even know which drug it is, if it is st. john's wort, or what. i don't want to use drugs when i don't choose to use them - i want to use them only by choice, when i want to. (they go through the skin... long story. i blogged about it a while ago.)

i have made OTHER FRIENDS over these past few years. i have made casual friends. i can easily see us being casual friends, and that would be okay.

'they' are the ones who made a big deal out of it, not me. i trust myself, but apparently, they don't trust me. to me it seems obvious that... i hate sentence stems. i hate when they stick the beginning of a sentence in your head, hoping you'll finish the sentence. anyway, i trust myself. i know that i am not going to do anything impulsive or harmful to him. the barriers and restrictions are THE CAUSE of the awkwardness and unnaturalness. they are THE REASON why i have distorted behavior and distorted emotions now. just like zimbabwe being under siege - just the other day, i thought of 'economic sanctions,' and noticed: that is a politically correct euphemism for 'under siege.' zimbabwe is under siege. they blame zimbabwe for its dictator's behavior, they make fun of its currency hyperinflating, but it is UNDER SIEGE. you can't expect it to behave in a healthy, natural way while it is UNDER SIEGE. i am in the same situation. there are unnatural restrictions and physical/mental attacks on me which have prevented me from communicating with him - especially the lost emails. this distorts everything and it CAUSES strange behavior.

all it takes is for people to openly, honestly confront each other face to face, and SO MANY THINGS suddenly become natural and simple and easy instead of all distorted. they just have to look at each other and see their real emotions on each other, instead of the imaginary assumptions and distorted delusions they've had all this time. all they have to see are the real emotions on each other, and it is clear and natural and obvious what everything is all about. and nothing is wrong, or evil, or dangerous. it is two normal human beings interacting. these artificial barriers are THE REASON for my distorted, exaggerated feelings and behavior.