Not much time today. The library is closing early because we're still in the holidays. I'm just writing random small things for now.
I tried making my own coat. I hate synthetic microfleece. So it was the perfect material to use for making my own coat, if it's going to become contaminated and I'll have to get rid of it and it's only experimental. I bought two yards of charcoal gray microfleece and wrapped it over my head like a hood and wore it like a cape. It sort of worked but the cape wasn't closed enough and the wind kept blowing it open. I pinned it shut with a safety pin. It was a minimal labor coat - no sewing needed, just a big rectangular piece of fabric, no sleeves.
I didn't wear it much - I wore it while walking from my car to the door of Wal-Mart, where I took it off and put it into my shopping cart. I felt embarrassed wearing it. It was basically like wrapping a blanket around myself and walking around outside. Then, I wore it into Barnes & Noble, and I actually wore it indoors. A little girl, maybe 8 or 9 years old, grinned at me, probably because I looked like I was coming from a Harry Potter costume party or something. It blew back in the wind when I walked and it was kind of like Professor Snape's cloak. It looked dramatic and it was attention-getting. I felt self-conscious and I had to tell myself to relax, slow down, look people in the eye, and act like everything was normal. Yes, I felt like an idiot, but I sensed that this cape thing had potential, if I could improve the design.
A coat has to be practical - it has to actually give warmth. So when it's blowing open in the wind, that's a problem that has to be fixed. I needed some way to keep it shut, and I only pinned it at the neck with a single safety pin, after making a little bit of a hood to pull over my head. It either needs more pins in the right places, or a belt, or strings, or something. Also, you don't want to walk around delicate, breakable objects, or lit candles or anything that's on fire, if you have a long loose piece of fabric hanging and blowing around while you walk.
I'd like to have a group of friends walking around with me wearing our cloaks or capes or whatever they would be called, and they would be well designed and practical and durable, while also being dramatic and noticeable. If they're designed well enough to be practical and functional, you don't feel like as much of an idiot.
I saw Avatar. I arrived too late to see the 2D version so I went to the 3D version even though I didn't want to. I didn't want to see the 3D version because I thought that it would be so disorienting and disturbing that I wouldn't be able to pay attention to the movie. But after I got used to it, I was able to relax and it wasn't so bad.
I was at the Premiere Theatre by the mall, and in that one, I get some kind of dizziness in my head which is very uncomfortable and numbing. It is radio or subsonics, or something, and whatever it is, it ruins my enjoyment of the movie and it nauseates me. So I avoid that theatre and I usually try to go to the one on North Atherton Street.
When I read about the 3D glasses, it said that they electronically interact with some kind of system in the theatre. That might explain why there is a radio field or something that disturbs me - it's there to interact with the 3D glasses.
Of course I liked the very long braids on the aliens - I don't even need to mention it. My braid is not quite that long. I also liked the idea of primitive people living in a forested area - I am always reading about primitive tribes and other cultures. I don't have time to talk in any detail about the movie, but I have to mention one thing that was missing.
They didn't get into the conflict between the puppets and their operators. If you have a real animal with a fully functioning brain, and this animal is alive, and you're going to control it by going into its brain and seeing out through its eyes, it's still something that's alive all by itself. It shouldn't just drop down and fall asleep and not be able to wake up. It has its own consciousness, its own feelings, desires, knowledge, thoughts, everything. It has its own soul.
The movie was about a conflict of humans trying to invade and steal the land from a bunch of people, but they didn't even mention how it feels to have your brain invaded and somebody is stealing your body and controlling you from within and suppressing your own soul, taking away the hours of your life. You only got to see the conflict of the external world in that movie and they just didn't even mention a single word about what the avatars might feel like or how they could be somehow fully functional but not have any consciousness of their own. Those questions weren't answered, yet they seem very important to me.
I put up an advertisement asking for housecleaning help. I got attacked by voices afterwards and they told me that I was going to get stalkers. Still, whatever happens, I absolutely have to get help. I can't do all these things by myself, and it starts with housecleaning and other small chores. So there is right now a piece of paper, out there in the real world, with an ad on it asking someone to help me (and get paid).
There has been a recent outbreak of ephedra contamination in my apartment and I knew it would be a couple weeks before I could patch it up. I have to put down some papers to walk on and things like that. I am sure: somebody walked up my steps without taking off their shoes. That is the only way ephedra could have gotten all over my clean papers on the floor.
Ephedra affects me so badly that I start doing unusual things like saying prayers, which I don't usually do. Prayers are something that can happen naturally, even to an atheist, in a moment of terrible stress and fear. It is a 'naturally occurring phenomenon,' a type of meditation, a mind state - even for atheists. So I was lying there trying to sleep, unable to sleep, and saying prayers - I prayed for everyone who has fallen while I struggle to survive - everybody I couldn't help, because I was too overwhelmed by my own problems.
I have phone calls that I never returned, people I let down, people who were 'acquired' during my 'friend acquisition manias' when I'm on drugs and 'THEY' make me believe that I can, and should, acquire lots and lots of new friends that I don't actually have time for, in an unfocused way, so that they want to call me on the phone and want to spend time alone with me and they mistakenly believe that we're going to have sex when that absolutely will never happen, or else female friends who aren't trying to have sex but still they are asking me for my time and my mental energy, while I'm barely surviving. I can think of a long list of people who were 'acquired' because THEY switched me to a 'yes man' type of mania, where I have to say yes to everybody even if I don't actually want to, and I'd rather be conservative and not waste time listening to dozens of other people's problems when I can't help them because I have no resources and I am, once again, barely surviving as it is. They portray me as a superhero who can help everybody and I am NOWHERE NEAR being anything like that (not even when I'm wearing my cape). So I was saying prayers for people who I let down or people whose problems happened while I was struggling to survive and I couldn't help them. This was a drug-induced prayer session but it was still sincere.
Meanwhile, I have one particular person that I really would like to try to be friends with, and it's going very slowly and I'm not writing about it here, but I wrote it in my paper notebook at home. So I am even more reluctant to be talking on the phone to people who I don't want to talk to and helping people who I can't afford to help while I myself am drowning, and I haven't solidified a fragile friendship that could be lost at any second because I have no socially acceptable way to contact this person, yet.
The library is closing...
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