A long rambling story where I ended up in the porno movie store

8:31 PM 4/14/10

I am writing again, because today is a very scattered, anxiety-ridden day. I haven't been able to focus enough to get anything done. All I got done was going to get my car registration renewed yesterday. Today, I did nothing except blog, eat, sleep, and try to contact what's-his-name (and didn't get a reply). I hate days like this. The hours of my life go by.

Well, here is a strange story. It goes into unexpected directions. First, it began at Barnes & Noble, where I have been reading a Schaum's Outline of College Physics. Occasionally, I've been going to the math book section to get some help, because the beginning of the book does a math review, and it's been a very, very long time since I took those classes.

Well, this Tuesday I saw an interesting book in the math section. It was called 'How To Calculate Quickly,' by Henry Sticker. (It used to be called 'The Art of Calculation.') I picked it up and looked at it (and ended up buying it - it's only a small book, $6).

I got excited looking at this book. It teaches you how to do mental math, and gives lots of practice exercises. It tells you things that break the rules that you were taught in elementary school. We're taught to add and subtract starting from the right side and working to the left. This book teaches you how to start on the left and go to the right. It also has you memorizing the multiplication tables to a much higher number, up to 25, instead of stopping at 10 or 12 the way we did in school. (We went up to 12, but it wasn't emphasized very much, and I never managed to memorize the 12 or 11 multiples. Another thing not taught in school: the importance of dozens. I love dozenal counting systems, base 12. There are websites that advocate the importance of dozenal counting systems and explain the reasons why they are so useful. In school, I got the attitude that dozens were some kind of primitive, useless, stupid, archaic counting system used back in the days when people were much dumber than they are in modern times. The opposite is true: it was a much smarter way of doing things.)

Meanwhile, as I walked around B&N, I heard a voice saying 'spark notes.' I went to the spark notes and I glanced at one for sociology. It listed some of the great debates in sociology. One debate was about whether society should be viewed as a group of people working together by consensus, or whether some groups of people dominate other groups.

So anyway after buying this math book and bringing it home, I was looking through the lists of other books published by this company, in the back of the book. I noticed one about the Magic of Abramelin or something, and I can't remember the title now, but I looked it up on google. So I started reading about Abramelin and magic.

A lot of what I read looked like it was about domination again. 'Domination' started to seem like a theme that they wanted me to notice. I've had voices telling me that I should learn how to be a professional dominatrix. (Since I'm writing from home instead of the library, I can talk about these subjects again.) I don't really feel comfortable in a dominating role. Anyway, this book was about how the evil spirits are called upon because their punishment is to serve the good, so that's the reason why the mages are calling for evil spirits to do their work for them. It talks about how to make the evil spirits submit to your command and how to prevent them from questioning your authority.

So then, for the rest of the night, as I was lying there trying to sleep, the voices were talking all about domination and how I should view everybody else as inferior people who either exist to serve me, or else that their needs are second to mine, that my needs are first. This probably has to do with the enneagram, because enneagram five is supposed to 'integrate' towards enneagram type eight, and eight is 'the boss,' the most dominant of all the types. This integration towards eight is supposed to be a sign of good health and security. The closest I ever came to integration towards eight has been while studying assertiveness training, many years ago. Every now and then I pick up books that talk about communication skills and social skills that have to do with empowerment and getting other people to do what you want them to do.

And no, I'm not actually DOING any of this right now. It was just the 'theme' of last night.

So, today, they sent me on a mission to go to the sex toy store. I haven't been there in years and years, and I only went once or twice. I went again today. They wanted me to see something, but I think I missed it. I kept hearing voices saying 'did you find it? you didn't see it? nothing at all?' as if there was something specific they wanted me to look at, so they could get my reaction to it. I didn't see anything especially unusual or noteworthy. They had me look at the books about domination, but since you can't actually open the books, since they're wrapped in plastic and you have to buy them to open them, I couldn't glance into them to see if the books were any good.

Well, I could talk about my complaints about the pathetic state of mainstream pornography. I walked all around the store, but I didn't find long-haired men ANYWHERE on the magazines or videotapes. I could only see the front covers of the magazines, so I don't know if there were any actually IN the magazines. They had a couple of guys with hair that was just a couple inches long, but it was in the gay section.
Long beards are totally nonexistent, anywhere. I'm not talking about 'bears' with beards, the large hairy men or fat men, but rather, ordinary slender men with long hair and beards. (I don't like to see short head hair with a long beard. I like to see both long head hair and a long beard. You don't find this anywhere in mainstream society. Most bearded men keep their head hair short. I talked about this in the natural grooming rules page. This includes afro textured hair as well as straight or wavy hair.) You can find some 'bears' on the internet, but they're usually big men. And there was not even a 'bear' magazine in this store, or I didn't find it.

There also weren't any skinny guys. All the men were muscular. I have always liked skinny guys, for some unknown reason, all my life. (When 'they' started interrogating me, they told me that I'm a pedophile. It would be more accurate to say I'm a teenageophile or something like that, because I'm not sexually attracted to prepubescent children, but I love teenagers, and that includes teens that are not even close to being legal.) There was only one skinny guy that I saw, and he was in the gay section too. All of the men were muscular, and they had the extremely short hair that I find intolerable, the hair that is shaved down to less than one inch long.

(I don't know how I'm going to show my face at work tomorrow after writing this blog.)

I also did not see any natural women. There was nothing at all for people who love either 1. very long head hair, or 2. natural body hair. All the women had makeup ('masks'), overplucked arched eyebrows, and shoulder length hair ranging down to mid-back length, or waist length at the absolute most. Most of them had huge breasts, probably fake. What's there for people who love small breasts? Little or nothing. They did have one magazine that had young women, supposedly eighteen year olds, and they mentioned 'flat chested' girls, but they didn't actually show flat chested girls on the front of the magazine. The only girl who looked eighteen was one with unplucked eyebrows. (Eyebrow plucking does something horrible to your appearance: it makes you look old and sick.) The other girls had arched, plucked brows, and they didn't look eighteen, they looked older.

I saw a few occasional magazines or sex toys that showed uncircumcised men, which is a good thing, but there wasn't enough of it. Not in the USA.

There was nothing non-mainstream in that entire store. All of the men, and all of the women, looked exactly the same. No variety. Why are people even bothering to freak out about that store? The Christians and the prudes made a big fuss about it, and the store was required to relocate to a farther distance outside the town, a few years ago. All they have is the softest softcore stuff, the most middle-of-the-road mainstream porn that I have ever seen. I was so bored I could have fallen asleep.

There was nothing beautiful or spiritual. It was shallow, unemotional.

I know one reason why they wanted me to talk about sex and pornography. It's because 'they' want me to theorize about my 'instinctual stacking.' We've changed my instinctual stacking several times. Usually, when I'm having a reaction to drug residues, they start telling me that I'm actually a Sexual type, but that's only when I'm on drugs. The rest of the time, I don't seem like a sexual type. (Sexuals are portrayed as sort of the 'best' or the most interesting and charismatic of the instinctual types, so it's desirable to be one of them, and less desirable to be a 'boring' type like self-pres or social.) Instinctual types - you can read about that on the ocean-moonshine.net web page (the web page that has to be googled, because if you type it into your URL, it gives an error message, and the only page that works has some kind of weird long URL). Oscar Ichazo wrote about the instincts and how they connect with the enneagram.

The last couple days, they've been theorizing that I'm either a Sexual/Social or a Social/Sexual. That's only the latest theory. I'm sure it will be changed again later. So far, I've thought that I might be: Self-Preservation/Social, Self-Preservation/Sexual, Sexual/Social, Social/Sexual, Sexual/Self-Preservation, and Social/Self-Preservation. And, amusingly enough, that covers ALL SIX of the possible stackings. So I haven't settled on any particular one, and I've tried them all. Everybody HAS all three instincts, but different people have strengthened or emphasized one instinct the most, followed by a weaker instinct, and then the weakest instinct of the three, in a certain order.

So I've returned home and I've blogged about this. I still haven't gotten anything useful done today. Writing blogs doesn't count as 'useful.' I didn't want people to read my blog merely for the sake of reading my blog. The craigslist advertisement about an alternative religion wasn't just a 'publicity stunt' to get people to look at my blog. It was an actual attempt to start contacting people to talk about an alternative religion, people who would work with me and actually start living our lives differently.

Anyway, that's it for this rambling story.