I need to straighten out a few small things

9:19 AM 4/14/10

I'm having a bad couple of weeks. It's hard to describe it without going into too much unnecessary detail. I'm not sure where to start.

First it seemed like I was having extremely bad PMS, a bad mood, and I felt like it was caused by trying to take out my plastic dental filling. When I first got those fillings, I had extremely severe PMS and mood swings for weeks and weeks as I reacted to the bisphenol-A in the fillings. It was like that again.

It manifested as 'grieving.' The surveillance people, the people controlling me, always interpret my emotions as being 'real,' when I myself interpret them as being magnified and exaggerated by drugs and chemicals and therefore 'not real.' 'They' always think that my strong emotions need to be acted upon. Oh no! She feels grief! We've got to DO something about it! But they always choose the wrong thing to do. Instead of cleaning up the chemicals and drug residues and other things I'm reacting to, THEY think that I have to take action in the interpersonal realm: try harder to convince this guy to go out with me, because the grief and strong feelings are 'real.'

This is hard to explain. The feelings are based on real feelings, but they are intensified by my reactions to drugs and chemicals. I REALLY DO feel attracted to this guy, I really do feel love for him, and in the real world, if, for instance, we were next-door neighbors, able to visit each other easily on impulse whenever we felt like it, then I would very likely be hanging out with him a lot, playing video games, doing whatever, going on bike rides - it would be the kind of friendship I had with people when I was a young child. For a long time, I haven't lived in any kind of neighborhood where I could get to know my next-door neighbors, so that hasn't happened for many years.

Okay, so I've lived in an apartment where yes, I could possibly get to know people, but almost everyone is boring to me and I don't really want to hang out with them. They're either boring, or they don't understand me at all, or whatever. It's rare that I find people who I actually enjoy spending time with. And it's not good to say this to my blog readers, whoever they are, because they might take it personally, like, 'Hmm, well, you wouldn't like ME then, goodbye!' And I don't mean it that way.

So I actually grieved for the past couple weeks, crying a lot, and to me, this was a chemical-induced mood swing. I grieved when I didn't get to see him often enough, I cried for a minute when I showed up for work and saw that his car wasn't there, that kind of thing. And again, they are real feelings, just more intense than usual.

I finally got to work with him a couple of times. Once, I got to ask him if he had received a couple of recent text messages that I had sent him.

They are replaying the whole thing that happened with Martin. When it happened with Martin, they used to force me to 'rehearse' verbally inside my head all these things they wanted me to say. For instance, they tried to force me to go up to him at work and say things like, 'WHY AREN'T YOU ANSWERING MY EMAILS!' (always shouting, never just asking) and that kind of thing. 'ANSWER MY QUESTIONS!!!' I don't behave that way, and I always resisted and fought back against the constant rehearsing.

But the net effect was that I became unable to speak to Martin at all, which is probably the real result they wanted to achieve: prevent us from communicating. I was bombarded constantly with fake things to say to him, and it prevented me from saying or doing anything real at all. I think that usually, the 'net effect' is the result they are trying to achieve. In other words, they're not 'trying and failing' to do something, but instead, they successfully achieved their goal. If Martin and I had been able to become friends, we would have influenced each other a lot and talked about things that people are 'not allowed to talk about.' In the couple of emails that we managed to get to each other, he mentioned being interested in a guy who was an electronic harassment victim, the guy who wrote these songs, and I can't rememeber his name, but he wrote a song that was on 'Supersize Me.' I could look him up - I know I would recognize the name. It's in my email somewhere.

Anyway, we would have had too much influence on each other, and too much support for each other. They think it could have developed into a terrorist cell or something (and no, I don't think it would). I think that's what they're afraid of. If people talk about the mind control, and then try to support each other to DO something about it, they're afraid we're going to just start bombing and killing people and rioting against the government and that kind of thing. So they successfully prevented us from communicating.

Well, I'm having unsuccessful communication all over again. I asked this guy (not Martin, but the guy I've been talking to lately) if he'd gotten a particular text message the other day. He said no, he hadn't.

Inconveniently, another guy walked into the room at that moment, and they were both getting ready to leave work. The other guy was waiting to walk out with him, so he was nearby. I asked him again, a couple times, 'Are you serious? You DIDN'T GET that message? It was on either Tuesday or Wednesday, during the day. You DIDN'T GET IT? When's the last one you got from me?' He said it had been a while since he'd gotten a message from me.

I had been sending them occasionally, not too often. I had asked a couple of direct questions that needed a response. Direct questions: Is there a good time that I could call you on the phone when you're not busy? and, Could we see each other away from work somewhere, like go for a walk or go out to eat someplace? No answer to any of those texts. And again, I'm not spamming him with a hundred text messages a day. This is occasional, like maybe once a week.

He could see that I was upset. I couldn't tell if he was getting them, ignoring them, and then lying to me about it - or if he really wasn't getting them at all. And actually, it doesn't matter. I get voices in my head who !!!FREAK OUT!!! about the possibility that he might be lying to me (oh my god! he's lying! evil incarnate! Satan!), and they're all second-guessing him about it, and to me it's like, No, it doesn't matter if he's lying, I have to take the same actions regardless of whether he's lying or telling the truth.

For all practical purposes, he either hasn't received them, or he has to pretend the lie is true, and he now has to ACT LIKE he hasn't received them. Either way, he now has to act like he hasn't received them, so I have to take the same action: act like I'm sending them again, or whatever, and then verify that he gets them. I don't freak out about whether he might be lying or not. I understand why he might be lying, and it's not the end of the world. He's human, he's young, he doesn't know how to talk to me about difficult things, and he doesn't know what he wants to do. There are a million reasons why he might lie, and it's not the end of the world.

So I was asking him this and almost crying; the other guy was nearby and he would have seen me behaving strangely, as I was talking quietly and evasively, trying not to be too explicit about what we were talking about, trying not to be overheard, and I was clenching my eyes shut and pinching the bridge of my nose between my fingers and talking in a shaky, upset voice - this wasn't just an ordinary discussion about something having to do with work.

'You really didn't get that message?' I asked. He said, 'No, my [flattering nickname], I did not.' He occasionally calls me something, and I can't help being flattered by it, I can't help being happy to hear it. He could tell that I was very upset.

Flattery is something that he, and other people, are able to do, and I see and hear them doing it frequently with other people - I saw another woman who works there flattering the (female) co-worker who she was asking to ring her up at the cash register. She said, 'Thank you, so-and-so, you're such a wonderful person!' (Merely because she rang her up at the cash register.) Asking for a favor, they jokingly flatter people excessively (I say 'jokingly,' because it always makes me laugh when they do that - I think they can't possibly be serious - and the other person goes along with it, pretending that they're doing a really BIG favor and going out of their way to help someone, while I watch them and laugh at all of it), and it works, and it's a harmless way of smoothing things over when you have to ask somebody to do something for you.

He occasionally flatters me that way, sometimes when asking for a favor, sometimes when thanking me for a favor, little things. A couple times when he called me that name, I started laughing uncontrollably, in fact, laughing a little too hard, in kind of a crazy way, almost to tears. He asked what I was laughing about, and he repeated the nickname, and I nodded, that's what I was laughing about. I won't say what exactly the nickname is, but let's imagine it's something like this. There's an ugly, unattractive woman, but you call her these excessively wonderful things about her amazing beauty, that kind of thing. Something that seems ridiculous, the opposite of the real truth. (He doesn't say that I'm beautiful, but it's similar enough that you can understand what I mean without me actually having to say it.) It hurts to hear that name, because I want him to MEAN IT. I don't want it to be just a flattering joke.

I worry about what other people are going to think. Here is what I assume about this guy: I assume that he likes me for a casual workplace friend, but not a very important friend, and not somebody that he really wants to be with outside the workplace. I am a take-it-or-leave-it kind of friend. When he leaves, or if I leave, he will miss me a little bit for a while, but no big deal. So when I talk to him in front of other people, when other people know that I'm trying to ask him to go out with me, trying to escalate the relationship to something beyond just 'workplace friends,' it's humiliating to get rejected and have everybody see that I'm trying to do this and getting rejected. I'm not just humiliated because of him, but also because I can imagine that everybody else is looking at me and calling me a creepy stalker or whatever.

Forcing people to ruin their reputations is a typical electronic harassment attack strategy.

He doesn't outright reject me. I just haven't gotten answers, neither yes nor no, and not even a 'I got your message, but I'm not sure yet what I want to do,' or anything at all. I don't even know if he has gotten the messages.

So then, later on, I texted him and he answered right away. Usually I am sending things hopelessly, in a futile way, not expecting an answer, because I have been forced to do this same thing again and again since about the year 2000, when it all began with a guy named John who I met in a chatroom.

I am already familiar with the 'I send him emails and he doesn't respond' pattern. I already know all about it. They have made me do this over and over again, each time slightly differently. It's like the movie Groundhog Day. Do it again and again until you do something differently and learn from it. (There's a similar show that I liked, which was an episode of Star Trek Next Generation where they got stuck in a spacetime loop, and they had to replay the same series of events, while trying to send a message to themselves in the next iteration of the loop, telling themselves not to do a certain thing that would cause the whole ship to be destroyed and everybody killed, and finally Data got the message from seeing the number 5 (I think it was 5; maybe it was 3) that he was supposed to obey the suggestion from someone with 5 stars in their rank instead of obeying the other person. They went through the time loop several times and failed, and finally got it right.) Anyway, I've done this so often by now that I don't even really expect any answers. It always surprises me when they actually speak back to me.

So he texted back, and he was there and responding. I had sent him a hopeless message, saying that I must try to give him a paper note, to make sure that he received it, instead of a text message that I wouldn't be sure about - that was the basic idea. The paper notes are there for that reason, so that I can know for sure he's received it. Even if he doesn't answer them, it's not as bad, because I KNOW that he's getting them and not answering, which is different from not knowing anything at all.

He said 'What's up?' and I talked a little bit, told him I had woken up and couldn't get back to sleep and had too many thoughts going through my head. He asked, 'Who is this?' As before, he wasn't sure if I was really Nicole. I'm texting him from a different phone, because my old cell phone can't send and receive text messages properly, no matter how many times I've called tech support and tried to get them to fix it. It can receive but not send, so I just don't bother trying to text anyone on the old phone. A while back, I gave him my old phone numbers, the landline and the old cell phone, so of course he would be confused when I start texting him from a new unfamiliar number. And I don't know how his phone works, but maybe it doesn't show who the sender is when he gets a message. You might have to go into an inconvenient menu or something to find out the phone number of the sender.

(No, he never called me when I gave him those old phone numbers, or if he ever did, the message was deleted or covered up. Once I thought I heard a male voice talking for a millisecond before it was suddenly covered up with an automated telemarketer's voice. It was just there for a moment. The people have been messing with my phone for years and years now and they've demonstrated that they can hack the phone to do whatever they want it to do, so I'm not surprised if messages don't get through. Someone told me that they heard my answering machine talking to them, saying to leave a message, and all that, and they DID leave a message, but I was standing there listening at the time, and all I heard was silence and it disconnected. Then, later, somebody else got through and left a message and it worked just fine. The person who couldn't get through was somebody I REALLY NEEDED to get a message from.)

So after a couple of messages, he expressed some annoyance or irritation about this whole thing. And I didn't really understand the message because it seemed like a word had been left out of the sentence, and it was a text message problem, where you'd easily understand if you had been talking out loud. He had said, 'I know this Nicole,' and I thought he meant 'I know this isn't Nicole,' since he had asked me 'Who is this?' But I think now, he meant, he already knows what I'm telling him, or something. He said, 'idk, you give me notes, you hear voices, wtf I know this Nicole.' He already knows something I've told him several times. But he might not know that I was sending him messages trying to ask him to talk to me on the phone and trying to ask him to go someplace with me - those are the messages that he claims he didn't receive at all. I was trying to tell him things he DIDN'T already know.

So I responded to his annoyance by telling him that I didn't have to give him any more notes if it bothered him. In fact, I would much rather NOT be forced to do these things, and I assume that he just sees me as a 'casual workplace friend,' a throwaway friend, someone you might miss a little bit for a while when they leave, but not really. I assume that he would rather not talk to me at all, would rather not be bothered with any of this, and he's only reluctantly answering me just out of courtesy, just to be nice. Anyway, I said I didn't have to give him notes and I wish that he would just tell me 'no' - I said I wanted him to tell me to stop doing it. That's not really what I want, but it's that type of distorted message that they force me to say whenever they're preventing real communication. I don't 'want him to tell me to stop.' Instead, I want him to tell me WHAT HE WANTS, his true feelings, a truthful response to the things I'm asking him. They force me to say distorted things instead of speaking the truth clearly. They have some mysterious purpose of their own for forcing me to command him to tell me to stop. They're playing their own little games. They wanted me to command him to hurt me, to do something that would cause me pain. That is what happened. Making a long story short, I was forced to command him to hurt me.

So he said, 'okay just stop please,' and then I thanked him for telling me that (even though this is all fake and has no connection with reality or my true feelings and what I really want). That was the end of the messaging.

I took this as a real 'no,' a real request to stop, reflecting his true feelings about all of my notes and my attempts to talk to him. (There have actually been only about four notes so far; some of them were all together in one envelope.) I took it as a final 'no' telling me to leave him alone. I took it as 'no means no' and 'take no for an answer' - UNLIKE *SOME* PEOPLE who do NOT take no for an answer, people who, for instance, control other human beings by putting voices in their heads, and fake beliefs, fake feelings, and other things into their minds and their bodies 24 hours a day.

So I spent the rest of the afternoon crying. When I say crying, I mean, I suppressed my screams because I'm in an apartment and I don't want the neighbors calling the cops to bang on my door and find out why I'm screaming my lungs out and sobbing. So I was actually screaming with grief and putting my hands over my mouth to silence it, trembling and shaking, crying and sobbing, with an actual physical pain in my chest, for a couple of hours, crouching on my bed, remembering things from the past that I had loved, things we had said and done together, things he did, and saying to 'them,' 'why did you make me do this?' - until finally, a feeling of numbness, weakness, and total exhaustion made me unable to cry anymore.

This is the type of entertainment that the murderers like to watch, so I was very entertaining for a couple of hours. I'm sure they saved the tape recording and have sold it around amongst all their friends and made a lot of money off it. It's that type of incident that they LIVE for. Trying to create as many of those incidents as possible, and make money off them, I'm guessing is one of their goals. Let's watch somebody while they experience unbearable suffering, and then sell the videotape to other sadists who want to watch people in unbearable suffering. This is why they forced me to 'command' him to hurt me. They forced me to say that I 'wanted him to tell me to stop,' or 'wanted him to reject me,' when, in reality, I actually 'want him to tell me his true feelings and what he really wants.'

Meanwhile, I had to get ready to go to work that evening.

My wisdom says, 'Relationships never end.' This is what I believe. I learned this all the way back in my teenage years dating Terry. Terry was always breaking up with me and getting back together. Eric, later on, did the same thing: he would talk to me on the phone, get angry about something, and hang up on me, then claim later on that we 'broke up.' 'Breaking up' is a phrase that doesn't mean anything to me. With Eric, it probably meant, 'Not having sex.' But we'd be still talking and communicating, we'd still be in a relationship, there would still be some connection between us. (Actually, Eric in particular, I haven't even spoken to in a long time, and I don't feel much of a need to speak to him. That's another story.) But anyway, I have learned that people always 'break up and get back together' over and over again, and it's not a real permanent breakup. Permanent breakups DO happen, but it's not as simple as merely having an argument and hanging up the phone on somebody.

(My permanent breakup with Eric happened after I had been evicted from my apartment and temporarily went to live with Eric because my local relatives were not really comfortable with the idea of letting me live with them; and Eric was banging on my bedroom door every day to have a shouting match over nothing, while I was working two jobs and needed to sleep; and at one point while shouting at me, he tried to yank the cat off my lap, my beloved cat Alexander, and he was going to yank him up by the back of the neck and throw him off my lap, and when he reached towards Alex, I BIT him on the arm, very hard, and he got all offended that I had bitten him while he was trying to inflict injury on my cat. He took photos of the bruise on his arm, and threatened to show the photos to a lawyer and file a lawsuit over the injury. That cat died a little bit later, maybe a couple weeks after: Eric, while drunk, videotaped himself with some neighbors, launching Alex through the air into a pile of leaves as a joke. It wasn't much later that the cat started vomiting every time he tried to eat or drink anything, and then he died. I think he might have had internal organ injuries from being thrown through the air. Maybe he ate something poisonous or had a blockage, but the internal injuries from being thrown is another theory. Alexander's death was pretty much the end of my relationship with Eric. I had to keep the cat at his house because I wasn't allowed to keep cats at my place, and Alex was just a stray who happened to live near Eric's house. I had moved back out, and gone back to my apartment, and so I couldn't watch over Alex. When Alex got sick, we watched him for a couple days, hoping it would go away, and I was just beginning to debate whether or not I should take him to the vet; Eric then told me that he seemed like he was getting better, and I took his word for it, and I didn't call the vet. Then he died. Shortly after that, I met Peter, and I just didn't go over to Eric's house anymore, and we gradually stopped talking.)

(It was actually the voices that gave me the name 'Alexander.' I didn't think of that name myself. They told it to me. I think that Alexander is the name of some important scientist who invented something used for mind control or discovered some important technique - I've read the name somewhere while researching mind control. Now, one of my co-workers is having a baby that will be named Xander.)

So, 'relationships never end.' I didn't think that this text messaging/hours-of-grief incident was really the absolute permanent end of my connection with this guy. I knew I would see him at work, I knew he was confused and didn't know what he wanted and didn't know how to respond to me. He isn't really negative, but he isn't really positive either. I think he said 'okay just stop please' as kind of an impulsive thing, like 'what happens if I say this?' while in an irritated mood, and not meaning it in an absolute way.

I went to work that evening, saw that his car wasn't there, and figured I wouldn't see him at all - I assumed he had left before I got there. He usually works earlier in the day than I do. I was, after all this, sad that the car wasn't there. Then a couple hours later, he showed up, on an unusual schedule. I saw him and was shocked. Then I started scowling and not looking at him. I didn't speak to him for a while. He became anxious and he approached me and asked if I had a note for him, since I had told him I did. I said, 'No - you told me not to.' (I deliberately left the note at home - I still have it, but I didn't bring it with me. I wanted to make sure I wasn't tempted to give it to him.) He then looked even more anxious, and walked away. After that, he did a couple things to make me laugh, and I did laugh, I couldn't help it. He said my name in a funny voice, and I laughed, but I still mostly avoided looking at him or talking to him. Eventually he went home. We didn't have a conversation that day, just a few brief interactions. He mostly seemed anxious because I was so hurt and I wasn't looking at him.

It would be easier if we could talk on the phone instead of texting. I've asked him several times, in a text, is there a good time that I might call you? Those are the messages that he's never answered. I'm sure I already know what would happen if I tried to call: there would be no answer, and I would never get through - or, no, it's actually more complicated than that: they let you get through A FEW TIMES so that you believe it's POSSIBLE, and THEN they won't let you get through ever again. Like I said, this has been going on since the year 2000, when I started having problems with computer hackers. I know ALL ABOUT how it is when you try to call someone and they never pick up their phone. I know all about phone hackers (phreaks), and I know also that the government itself has surveillance on the entire phone system, and I have had incidents of people trying to call me and not getting through.

Basically the phone cannot be trusted. Whatever happens, if you think you've gotten their answering machine, it might not be real. You might be hearing something fake, while your call gets redirected to some mysterious location elsewhere and they never get the answering machine message that you swear you recorded. Then you think that this person is avoiding you, when actually, they really WANT to hear from you, and they never received your call. Or, then again, they might really be avoiding you, and you have no way to know for sure. You simply cannot know any information for certain if you are using the telephone. It is untrustworthy, when you're being hacked and harassed and your whole life manipulated to cause you pain and suffering.

So I have to ask first: can I call you at a certain time, when you'll be EXPECTING the call, expecting to pick it up, available to talk, not busy, not avoiding me, and then we can verify afterwards, 'did you get my call at such-and-such date and time?' 'yes/no.'

Well, this is what I meant when I said that I would be able to write longer, more boring blogs.

So right now, the voices keep urging me to try again to call him or text him and straighten out the situation. They woke me up this morning, telling me lies and false beliefs, the way they always do. For instance, they tell me that I *HAVE* to talk to him because he's SUICIDAL and it's URGENT. I don't believe that's true. (*Note, I am cautious about using the S-word, because I had an incident several years ago when I used the s-word in a letter to someone, and they responded by throwing me into The Meadows on an involuntary commitment. I should be cautious even using that word about SOMEBODY ELSE too. 'Suicidal' being the s-word that I must not use. But, that is what the voices were saying to me.*)

But when they force me to believe it, it temporarily feels like it's true. I feel like I have to communicate with him in order to help HIM, as though HE is in trouble and needs my help. It's true that his life isn't settled and he has some problems, but in reality there is not much that I can do to help him, because, for instance, he probably isn't going to come over here and live in my apartment with me, or anything like that. That's the idea that they keep putting in my head, that I'm supposed to try to get him to live with me. I can't even get him to agree to talk on the telephone with me! yet they believe that he wants to move into my apartment. And I would enjoy being with him, although I'd have to make arrangements for the problems with chemical sensitivity. But I don't actually believe that he's anywhere near something like that. I keep saying, he sees me as just a 'workplace friend,' nothing more than that. They wake me up and they put these ideas in my head, these false beliefs about him.

That's most of the story; that's where things stand right now. Sooner or later I will try again to text him and ask if we can talk on the phone; and I will promise to him that the phone call won't take too long, and it won't be too much of a bother, I just want to straighten out a few small things. This is what I've been struggling to do for weeks and weeks - straighten out just a few small things. It takes forever.

(okay, that will be the title of this blog, then.)