saint patience

Sometimes if you need to cry, but can't (and you've had enough water and you know you're not dehydrated), it helps if you start off by fake crying. Just pretend to cry, even though it's unnatural, and sometimes the real thing follows. It doesn't always work. But it's sometimes useful.

The computer hacking problem began in about 2000 when I met a guy in a chatroom, and became infatuated with him, and we began emailing each other. For a variety of reasons he decided to stop emailing me, while I continued trying to email him. He refused to answer.

When you get in a situation like this, and it just so happens that you're also using antidepressants, or really, it could be any of a variety of mind-altering drugs that distort your emotions, and if you are also the target of electronic harassment/mind control attacks, then some terrible things can happen and they can go on for a very long time.

I wrote emails and tried to reach this guy for about FIVE YEARS. If you sit down and think about that - that I wrote emails and made phone calls to a guy who wasn't answering, who never answered me for five years - it does seem really strange. I've written about this before, I know.

This problem was central to the fighting and the eventual breakup with my former boyfriend. It is central to why I don't find it easy to meet people nowadays and form any new relationships. Trying to establish or maintain relationships with people, while at the same time being the target of unwanted voices and thoughts and feelings in your head, alternate personalities that jump in at the wrong moment and insult somebody or say or do something cruel, and computer problems - such as disappearing emails - is almost impossible. When things go wrong, no one can interpret what exactly is happening or who's responsible for it. Or at least, I can't. Maybe the other person can.

I did in fact meet somebody interesting a while back. He knows who he is. The very instant that I began communicating with him at all, the problems began immediately. I was bombarded with voices, new personalities, and constant interrogations and questions in my mind for weeks. Every time I used my St. John's Wort I ended up doing or saying things that I didn't really want to do, or didn't think I ought to do. I had to actually stop using it in order to avoid writing excessive letters again - especially since he stopped communicating, very early on, after only five emails (while I myself ended up sending 27, whether I wanted to or not) - and after the previous five-year incident, I decided that I would not continue trying to write to somebody who stopped answering. He also, of course, wouldn't return phone calls.

My goal was to avoid getting another stalking/harassment conviction. It was a few years ago that I had a court case that involved harassment, and I was accused and convicted of harassment, when in fact I myself was being attacked and was writing letters to somebody trying to ask for help about it, and saying things which I was being forced to say - but at this time in human history, the legal system does not admit that it's physically possible to force people to do and say things, so instead, I got labeled 'psychotic,' thrown into a mental hospital, and convicted of harassment.

Terrible things often seem to happen when I meet people. One of the most frustrating problems is when 'alternate personas' jump in. (I still sometimes refer to them as personas, as if they are another personality - but my real belief is that they are coming from an outside source, from somebody using an electronic device.) I wrote several letters from other personas, saying things that I wouldn't normally say. All it takes is one or two bizarre/cruel letters from one of the malicious personas, and the recipient never trusts you again. From their point of view, the abuse is coming from YOU, and it certainly doesn't help when you tell them that you were being controlled by some other person when you said or did X.

In recent weeks the new battle has been this constant obsession of voices trying to induce me to go ask him if he's been receiving my emails or if he's sent any emails to me, and how many, to verify that they're not being intercepted. I battle this voice again and again every single day - it never ends. People talk about obsessive thoughts, and I get angry when I read about that phenomenon - when people write about obsessive thoughts as though they come from inside you, when actually they are NOT your own and they are being forced upon you from an outside source. You hear a voice saying something - it's not actually 'heard' inside your head, but rather, it's whispered in your voicebox as though you yourself are speaking - this is called 'subvocal speech.' It feels as though you're thinking the thought yourself. Several times each day they try to urge me to go talk to him and ask him this or that question.

They're skipping a step. There's this really big obstacle, this barrier to communication, the fact that I can no longer even look at or approach this person, because of the events that have occurred. If you can't even speak to somebody at all, then it isn't very useful to sit there obsessing about what exactly you would ask them if you could speak to them. Getting through the communication barrier would have to happen first.

Again, my main goal was to avoid behaving like a stalker. One false harassment conviction and one wrongful incarceration in the mental hospital was enough for one lifetime. I am not looking forward to doing that ever again.

I'd like a reality check. When you are stuck hearing voices all day, whether you want to or not, and the voices tell you outrageous fantasies and unbelievable things, while you're struggling to be as logical and realistic as you can be about the situation, then you really want to hear the other person's point of view, their side of the story, their experiences as THEY would describe it - not as it's told by the voices. The voices give me theories and explanations all day long, and it's useless garbage. A reality check is the most helpful thing I could have.

One disclaimer, however, is that it's not his fault that I'm hearing voices about him. He can't control that and he can't help the fact that it's happening. They probably won't stop and they probably won't let go of the whole situation very easily. That's been my past experience.

I hadn't originally intended to start a blog about my mental experiences and mind control. In fact, originally, I had intended to just keep that private, as I was afraid that the harassment would get worse if I talked about it publicly. But as soon as the problems began, this summer, I started blogging about my mental phenomena - and, yes, that is something 'they' wanted me to do. Now that it's out there, I'm not going to try to hide it. The only thing I can salvage, to give me any dignity, is the fact that I do struggle to be as realistic-minded as possible under the circumstances, no matter what they say to me in my head, no matter what they try to make me believe, no matter what they try to make me do. I try very hard to be realistic. It is not easy to have any kind of relationship at all, even a friendship, with someone who is hearing voices and turning into alternate personalities at unexpected moments. It must take the patience of a saint.