suffering

There are some more things that have been going on - beliefs and rationales and explanations that they've been giving me all this time.

One of the very first beliefs that they gave to me was: He's hacking your computer. He sees everything you write in your journals. Therefore, direct communication isn't really necessary. You can write anything in your journals and he'll get the message.

Since it's physically possible and easy to hack into other people's computers, this isn't so implausible. The younger generation has grown up with the internet, more so than I did, and so I assume they have always known about how you can just go to some website and download spyware and, with a little practice, find ways to make it work on whichever computer you want to look at.

I myself don't spy on other people's computers - it's just something I never learned how to do, and I figure I would be the one person in ten thousand who actually got arrested for doing it, even though lots of other people do it. And it seems cowardly somehow.

Over the past few years, somebody constantly and deliberately did things to demonstrate to me all the various places they were able to hack into. That makes it very easy for me to believe anybody's claim that somebody is reading everything I write in my journals.

So that particular belief was used to try to tell him things that were difficult or embarrassing to talk about. It's convenient that you don't have to talk about difficult subjects in a direct conversation where you feel vulnerable and embarrassed. Then you assume the other person already knows all of this stuff, but actually, in reality, you HAVE to say it to each other for real in some way so that you KNOW the other person heard it.

They told me that they were telling him that I was doing the same thing to his computer, and also that I was psychic and I could read his mind. I can't read minds. What happens to me is that I passively hear voices and passively see images, and I have no control and no choice about what I see and hear. I sometimes see or hear things that later turn out to be accurate, but just as often, they are lies, manipulations, and meaningless random gibberish that turns out to be garbage.

So that was the 'you don't need to explain anything to him - he already knows it automatically' fallacy.

And once I stopped receiving emails or return calls, it wasn't any use trying to write directly to him anyway.

There is also the 'jump through these eighteen flaming hoops and you'll finally get a reward' fallacy. Through the whole summer I was being told that if only I did A, B, C, and D, he would finally talk to me again. I was familiar with that trick already - I had been through it during the previous period of sending hundreds of emails to a person not responding. That was before I knew about mind control. Even now that I know about it, I still can't really fight back against it or resist it - whatever lies they tell me, I still believe them, even though I know better.

However, this particular time, they told me to do some things that I already partially agreed with. Whenever they tell you to do things that you already somewhat believe, somewhat agree with, and wanted to do anyway, it doesn't cause as much friction between you and the people telling you to do things, and you're more likely to actually do those things, and you're more likely to continue doing them afterwards, for a longer period of time. It's more sustainable.

There is a separation between the different worlds, the different parts of my life. People have an online identity, and a real-world identity. I write in my blog, and yes, it's under my own name now, but still, it's a separate world.

I don't even know if he received the email where I told him that I had a myspace page. I have no way to know if he can even read my blog.

But if I talk to him in the workplace - when both of us are busy and rushed and we have to do other things besides stand around and talk - how can you talk to someone about 'how's the weather?' after all the things you said in the other world? I write in my blog about electronic mind control and disinformation wars and what's going to happen to the world, and about things that I hear voices asking me about. You don't go up to somebody at work and start talking about that. So you have to talk about normal things instead.

The blocked feelings are twisted, and humiliating, and intense. I started talking to somebody about very painful, secretive, private things, and then suddenly lost contact with that person without any explanation. So I can't just go up to him and act like everything is fine and normal. Something terrible has happened and it hasn't been resolved.

And emails don't work, and the telephone doesn't work. No answer on either of those. Evasive behavior and no real answer during my very brief attempt to tell him that I hadn't heard from him. So what's left? Am I supposed to write handwritten notes and go up and give them to him?

First, we're in two separate areas. I don't really go to the area where he has to work: we are in two separate social groups. It would be a territory violation to walk into places where I have no legitimate work errand. Somehow I can chat with other people up there, other people besides him, at least briefly, but there is this 'forbidden zone' surrounding him in particular.

I can see this image, where I picture myself going up and handing him a piece of paper. It doesn't matter what the paper says. I've thought of a million different things that would go on that piece of paper and they change every day. The piece of paper just says some crucially important thing, whatever it happens to be that day. In the big scheme of things, in the context of the universe, the stuff written on the piece of paper is trivial. It could be 'how's your day going?'

Meanwhile, people are watching as I go up and hand him a piece of paper. As everyone notices and talks about what's going on, they have to figure out why in the world I can't just say something out loud, or call him on the phone, or email him with this crucial question about how his day is going.

Well, of course, as we all know, Nicole has to hand him notes on pieces of paper because she believes (*here we roll our eyes at how ridiculous this is*) that someone is intercepting all the emails she sends and receives, which is why she's not getting any emails from him; and also, she can't just call him on the phone, either, because she believes that somebody is redirecting all of her phone calls to some duplicate answering machine that sounds exactly like his voicemail, and plays exactly the same message, but in reality, it's someplace else, and he never gets the message she leaves on his voicemail, which is why he's not calling her back. So Nicole is handing him pieces of paper because she's MENTALLY ILL and she thinks this is the only way she can communicate with him. (Poor girl.)

So I deal with this whole problem by not even looking at him. And guess what, that's not working very well. It triggered a voice that said, 'if you don't look at me, i'll change my schedule.' That pushed a button. Immediately I started thinking about what happens if he changes his schedule or leaves. It doesn't even matter what actions I take, what I do, or whether I look at him or not. He is still able to leave whenever he wants to. I have no contact information except for a phone that doesn't work and an email address that doesn't work.

Meanwhile, all of this was used as a tactic to get me to answer my phone. My landline phone - I never answer it because it gets telemarketer calls and credit card calls and prank calls all the time. I would get three or four prank/hangup/telemarketer calls one after another, and then there would be one call where somebody just hung up on the answering machine, and I'd hear voices (in my head, not on the phone) telling me that it was him - but by then, I'd given up on trying to answer the phone, after all the junk. If I kept being optimistic and tried to answer it, thinking it might be him, it was guaranteed to be yet another prank/telemarketer call.

During the brief couple of days when I attempted to answer my landline phone (the 'harassment line' if you want to call it that), they got my collection agencies to call me. I answered. The guy who picked up on the other end of the line was totally confused. He thought that I had called HIM. But I thought he had called ME.

This is something that the hackers/phreaks demonstrated to me years ago. They get into the computers at telemarketing companies. Those computers are programmed to automatically send your number to some phone operator or salesperson or whatever, who just sees that number pop up on their screen, and they have to talk to you. I know about it because I worked for a couple of weeks as a telemarketer at MBNA, a credit card company. I quit because I couldn't stand that job and I wasn't very good at it. You just sit there and random people's phone numbers get connected to you and you have to talk to them. Anyway, several years ago I kept receiving harassing/prank calls from people taking surveys or telemarketing various things that were supposed to be funny or relevant to things I was doing, thinking, reading about, etc.

Anyway, the collection agency guy didn't understand that HIS phone called ME. He thought I called him. I was used to that kind of thing by now, so I just let him believe whatever he wanted to believe. He probably still to this day thinks that I called him.

So we talked, and I wasn't ready. I had been planning to officially inform the collection agencies that I no longer intended to pay the remainder of my debt, due to the fact that I was going into debt because of circumstances beyond my control. I can't pay off my debt, because over and over again, some artificial disaster ruins my entire life and destroys all of my progress, every year, at least once a year. This is caused by several things: economic boom and bust cycles (which led to layoffs and major job losses) and also the electronic harassment. The particular nature of the disaster varies each year. It's always something different. There are repeated job losses, but also, there are other things that happen, such as the ephedra contamination disaster.

So I struggled to tell him bits and pieces of this idea, but of course, I only could blurt out a little bit of stuff that didn't explain much of anything except a very vague idea.

And then, just as I predicted would happen, some attacker triggered a bout of fake crying. I knew that would happen. They attack you in a way that makes you start to cry. You can't help it. It's not a real emotion and it doesn't come from you. You suddenly start bawling and can't help it. In reality, I was somewhat numb and cold and stony - nowhere near bursting into tears. I do cry, sometimes, but I don't burst into tears about the fact that I am not going to pay the rest of my credit card debt. Credit card debt is something cold and abstract and faraway, almost imaginary. I cry about things like the death of my cat Alexander, or I cry when I have PMS and get in a bad mood. But they wanted the phone call to be 'humiliating,' and it wasn't humiliating enough, and my cold stony behavior was rather disappointing.

So after the bout of fake crying ended, eventually I conveyed to the debt collector guy that I wasn't paying off my debt. And that phone call only happened because I kept hearing voices shouting at me to answer my phone, and they kept telling me that I was going to receive a call from this OTHER person who I was waiting to hear from - which never happened.

They keep telling me 'so-and-so is expensive.' This person is EXPENSIVE. Whatever communication I get with him, whatever interaction I get with him, occurs at great expense. It can't be easy and straightforward. They're always saying, over and over, that he's 'expensive.' That's supposed to explain why this whole thing has been such hell and why he and I both are suffering.

They also say dark, ominous things, like 'You will never touch him again.' One day they were obsessing about what I should write on the piece of paper that I was supposed to hand to him, but I was fighting against them and saying, 'get me through that barrier, you get me through that communication barrier and we'll figure out what to say to each other.' I cannot even approach him - how am I supposed to hand him a note? That requires walking towards him and going to parts of the store where I have no legitimate work errand, while we're both on the clock, and there's an imaginary invisible wall around him. I kept telling them 'get me through that barrier,' over and over. Then my whole thought process was wiped out by a voice that said 'YOU WILL NEVER WIN.'

I don't even need to say that electronic mind control is evil.

What they are doing is getting a lot of mileage out of a tense situation. It's useful to make me do things like answer my harassment-line phone and burst into tears while talking to the debt collection agency.

They were making fun of me tonight, saying 'all you have to do is hand him a note,' making it sound like that would be easy to do. But I would walk in front of everybody, all the people watching, and somebody would have to explain why on earth I was handing him pieces of paper. With a miserable, twisted, agonized look on my face. While he tries to avoid me and go someplace where I can't confront him. 'Because she's mentally ill' is the inevitable answer.

If these 'controllers' think they know what needs to be done in the world, why don't they just do it themselves? If they think they know what my fate should be, what role I should play, what I should accomplish in this world, what I should achieve, and what I should be prevented from achieving - if they know that, why don't they do it themselves?

There is no prophecy and there is no religion. They tell me there is a prophecy and that certain people are supposed to do certain things which have been foreseen, things which have been planned in advance - and to them, it doesn't matter whether the particular people they pick on actually ARE the people spoken of in their little fantasies. Making people artificially fit into the roles of the characters in their fantasies, so that it seems as though our lives are big and exciting, like something in a book or a movie, or prophecies, or religious texts -

which person is more mentally ill: me, or the controllers?

It keeps us entertained for a while, and it prevents us from doing anything truly original or enjoying our lives. I told them the other day: they will never know ME. They'll never know what the real Nicole Binns is like. This is a regrettable loss.

Someone values you, someone values who you are as a person, values your contribution no matter what it is. Someone cares whether you live or die. There are real people who value each other like that - not for entertainment, not for slavery, not as a tool to accomplish their purposes, not as a character in their stories and fantasies and games, not as objects of fear and distrust ('we must watch and control these people constantly or there will be a rebellion') -

there are people who value each other as real human beings.

Remember who you are.