these are random thoughts. no particular subject.
(*note, after i started writing, it wandered into sexual topics. but they're mostly from a sort of detached and impersonal point of view. anyway i think that happened partly because i didn't have much food in the house and haven't had much for breakfast. for some reason, if i get up in the morning, drink coffee, and don't eat enough, i end up writing obsessively for hours and it ends up being about sexual topics. writing for too long usually happens if i'm hungry.*)
(*okay, not only did it go into sexual topics, it also went into a very angry monologue about 'this is what the criminals did to me, i hate them.' it's all true, but at the same time, it really went on longer and longer, and the solution is that i have to go get something to eat, instead of typing at my computer.*)
***********
i love the opera browser. one thing i love the most about it are the notes. you can highlight text on web pages, hit 'copy to note,' and it saves it in your notes along with a record of what web page it came from, and the date. you can also just type a note from scratch, and you can make folders and sort them. it's easy to look at and easy to use, and i enjoy using it. it's not just a text editor.
they screwed up the notes' behavior in the latest version of opera. they fixed one bug, and created another bug. they fixed it so that if you have your pointer/locator/highlighter/whatever on a particular folder, then all the notes you copy will automatically be put in that folder - originally, it was just putting newly copied notes onto the bottom of the list.
however, they screwed up the ordering behavior. the notes always used to just stay in the order you put them in, but now for some reason it alphabetizes them. this causes a major slowdown, because it alphabetizes it while you're typing. in order to stop it from alphabetizing, you have to download a user-made button that says 'sort by my order.' and even if you use this, the notes still re-sort themselves alphabetically every time you open opera. and i still have problems with the words appearing too slowly as i type, although that could be caused by my computer's overall hacked-ness instead of by opera itself. (i'm cleaning up my computer to eventually remove some of the spyware. the spyware will probably reappear immediately, but it won't be as awful as it is right now. and i will still be better off than i was, because things will be organized and backed up onto disks.)
anyway, i have installers for a couple old versions of opera. i reinstalled an old one, and the notes behave better. if i ever built my own web browser, i would copycat the opera notes feature, and it would be one of the most important things that i would advertise about the browser.
if i built my own web browser, i'd design it so that it would never, ever, ever display any Flash, under any circumstances, nor would it offer to download the latest versions of Flash, etc, etc, etc. (and maybe it would automatically send an angry email to the webmasters of those sites telling them to redesign their pages without Flash. ;) if you had to see something in Flash, you would either be 1. screwed, or 2. have a totally separate browser designed to do nothing but look at Flash pages and images. i wouldn't mind having a separate little device that does nothing but display Flash, while inhibiting Flash on the ordinary pages that i want to look at quickly and easily. i only know of one web page where i would really lose anything by refusing to display Flash, and that's Soundclick.com, where you can only listen to the music by using their little Flash player.
Flash is always a problem for me because i've formatted my hard drive and reinstalled my operating system several times in the past, and every time i start over, i get all these messages telling me to update to the latest version of Flash, and i'm on windows 98, so i can't go beyond a certain version, and i'm pretty sure that some of those 'update your Flash' messages might be spyware installers. or at least, they theoretically could be. i don't remember if i actually read someplace that they are? anyway, just about anything on a web page that gives you a message or dialog box that pops up is able to be a spyware installation. if you click on any buttons at all, no matter what the text beneath them says - and this is the slightly humorous thing about spyware - the button might say 'Cancel,' or 'Exit,' or 'No! Do not install this! Leave me alone! I never want to see this dialog box again!' and you click that button, and it actually installs the spyware. and i can't advise you what to do when that happens. sometimes i hit ctrl-alt-delete and shut down the whole browser, if i'm feeling paranoid, if i'm in a bad mood, and if i'm paying attention to what's going on. however, you can't control very much with ctrl-alt-delete in windows 98.
(*i read about that stuff because, years ago, i thought my problems involved 'only hackers' instead of psychotronics. hackers became a much lower priority problem after i found out that mind reading is real.*)
i've heard of a program called 'No Flash,' and i looked it up. it seems to only work with internet explorer.
anyway, i hope i haven't offended any Flash-lovers out there.
*******
i might temporarily make my web pages anonymous. i'm not sure yet. i've had some vague suggestions that potential employers are looking me up on the internet and saying 'whoa! this lady is nuts. i'm glad i found out about her craziness before i hired her!'
originally, i didn't intend to blog openly about mind control and my mental experiences. they've really been going on underneath, all this time, for years, while i've been talking to people in the normal way, behaving like a normal person, acting like nothing was wrong. in a way, nothing is different now that i'm blogging openly about it. it was there for years, i just wasn't telling anybody. it happens every single day; there are no days without SOME kind of unwanted mental experience, some experience of being controlled, or having fake emotions, or acting out some other persona, or having my own thoughts blocked out by someone else's words, or not being able to do something i want to do, or being encouraged/forced to do things that i would rather not do. it was there for a long time and i just wasn't saying anything.
in some ways i feel proud or courageous for blogging openly about it now; but it could be seen as self-destructive if it's being read by potential employers who then decide not to hire me. i could say 'screw you for discriminating against me, your loss,' but that's a luxury for me because my parents are helping me pay the rent right now. if my parents weren't helping me, i wouldn't have the luxury of taking risks. i would have a life-or-death need to get and keep a job as soon as possible, or get evicted. if i had kids, it would be even more important.
i'd probably end up on welfare and get food stamps and other government help. not only do i oppose those things on principle, but also, they're not as helpful as you might want them to be. i know someone who is, right now, struggling to get social security, medicare, and health insurance to do what they promised they would do, and pay what they're supposed to pay, and it's a constant battle against stupidity and bureaucracy and people who want you to be an obedient, ass-kissing little slave in order to beg for your handouts. the government does not hand out money in a user-friendly way. you have to wait months and months for meaningless paperwork to be processed, only to find out that somebody somewhere needs to see some other piece of stupid paperwork that they should have told you about in the beginning. and you need to have the right 'attitude' about your handouts in order to get the bureaucrats to work with you. if you strongly insist that you are a human being instead of an obedient ass-kisser, then they say 'nope, sorry, you have to jump through these hoops first before we give you the money.'
so if anyone says to me 'it's okay for YOU to oppose government handouts, because YOU aren't trying to work full time and feed your kids without a husband, and your parents are helping you pay the rent,' then i would agree with that argument. i don't like getting help from my parents. it makes me feel less self-reliant and it makes me feel much weaker. my self-respect is a lot lower when i'm depending on my parents.
i just thought of something horrible that 'they' were doing, though, and it's disgusting and it makes me angry to think of it. whenever i used to pay my bills and get my finances straightened out, 'they' would give me artificial 'rewards' and artificial positive feelings. they did it whenever i would do my 'chores,' like cleaning up the house or doing dishes. when you get a 'reward' from a criminal assailant inflicting physical feelings and sensations by force with an electronic device, it does the opposite of rewarding you: it makes you feel hatred and loathing, and you will do whatever you can to AVOID being 'rewarded,' so you dread doing dishes and fixing your finances because you dread being 'rewarded.' basically, it's like being molested or raped as a 'reward' for doing something that's good for you, something that already provides natural positive consequences that you wanted. it's redundant and counterproductive to 'reward' people for doing things that already have natural positive consequences.
in the real world, there are no 'rewards.' there are only consequences. i liked something they said on the nonviolent communication website. they said that control and domination systems require 'the crucial concept of "deserve."' it's the idea that somebody 'deserves' something, a reward or a punishment.
'deserve' is not the same concept as 'contractually entitled to.' when people make a contract and they agree to do something, it isn't because the person 'deserves' to get what's written on the contract. that's different.
'deserve' is more like 'good/bad little boy/girl.' it's condescending, it treats people like children - except NOT EVEN CHILDREN should be treated that way! i've decided you should just assume children are almost as intelligent/mature as adults, except they're trapped in a really small body. that's not entirely true, and yeah, there are a lot of things where children should be treated as children. what i mean is: give children the same RESPECT that you give adults. if you wouldn't say something to an adult, then don't say it to a child either. it's true that children won't understand a lot of things that adults understand; it's true that they don't have the judgment or the knowledge and wisdom and experience. it's true that they need to be protected and nurtured. this is a complicated topic and i'm concerned that people will get confused if i don't explain it well enough, when all i wanted to do was briefly mention the idea.
anyway, about 'rewards.' i vaguely remember some psychological study that was done. it involved gorillas, i think.
apes are just, for all practical purposes, another ethnic group of human beings. they're just an excessively hairy ethnic group, with strangely shaped hands and feet, and slightly different bodies, and they speak a language that most of us don't understand, although i'm sure that the scientists who study them are able to understand what they're saying. their ethnic group might not be able to mate with humans and produce fertile offspring, so they might be called a different species, but that's taboo, and the only people i ever read about who researched whether or not it could be done were the nazis. supposedly some nazis, or russians, or somebody did some experiments to find out whether apes could mate with humans. i never found out what the results were. apparently, the local people who live next to the jungles where the apes live don't care whether or not it's possible to do this, probably because they're too busy trying to survive their war/starvation/economic collapse/AIDS epidemic.
anyway, just as i assume that 'children are almost like adults, except they're trapped in really small bodies,' i also assume 'apes are human, except they look a little different and we don't understand their language.' (*note, whenever i say that children are like adults, keep in mind that i myself was molested by a pedophile when i was about 11 years old, and i actually don't remember all the details of what happened. i only remember a few things. he was a friend of our family who didn't visit very often. so, i believe children need to be protected against unwanted sexual contact. children's sexuality is a difficult topic, because children do have sexual feelings, desires, and fantasies, but that doesn't mean that forty-year-old pedophiles can just go up to you and do whatever they feel like doing. when i was a little kid, i only thought about kissing, and snuggling, and touching, and i didn't think about sexual intercourse.*)
well, anyway, the gorilla study wasn't one of those horrible, evil studies like the ones where they kept the baby monkeys in cages without a mother, then said 'gee, i wonder if being kept alone in a cage without a mother and without any contact whatsover will screw you up psychologically? wow! it does! i never expected that!' and they got government funding to do that research. that's the one where they had a set of cages with a soft, furry, stuffed 'mother' that the baby monkeys would cling to, and they found out that the baby monkeys liked that even more than the they liked the 'food dispenser' mother that wasn't soft and touchable. all the monkeys were permanently damaged, of course, but who cares about that, right? i hate reading about those things. and i've read about even WORSE studies that were done, but don't even get me started. government money is the reason they are able to do that. anyway, the study i'm thinking about WASN'T as evil as that one.
this study had some gorillas painting pictures. yes, gorillas are able to hold a paintbrush and make paintings. well, from what i recall, the gorillas were happily painting pictures just for the fun of it. they said that the pictures were pretty interesting, probably like children's drawings. i didn't see the actual pictures. anyway, supposedly, as soon as the researchers started giving the gorillas a 'reward' for drawing the pictures, their motivations changed. the pictures were no longer sincere expressions of communication, but instead became just fake attempts to do whatever people wanted in order to get a reward. and the apes were much less motivated to even do any paintings at all. instead of encouraging them to do more and better paintings, the 'rewards' somehow discouraged them. i wish i could remember the name and details of the study. the overall idea was that rewarding the apes discouraged them and ruined the quality of the artwork. it had unnatural effects on their self-expression, and it distorted their behavior, and ruined whatever artistic, aesthetic, expressive value that the paintings originally had.
that kind of fits with my own experiences. praise can be just as hard to endure as criticism. sometimes i just write for an invisible audience. and something happened with the hackers one time where... i don't think anybody will believe me. i haven't told this story before in my blog. well, back in the days before i learned about mind control, back when my problems were focused on hackers, i used to get a daily horoscope on my yahoo web page.
well, something started happening on my yahoo page. i started getting news articles that were unusually 'relevant' to things happening in my day-to-day life. the references were very specific. i also got spam letters referring to very specific things happening in my life. for instance, i went to visit my parents in west virginia, right when the psychotronic attacks were just beginning, and they were very severe, and i didn't know how i would survive. on the first two nights in west virginia, i slept peacefully through the night, and i realized, 'hey! i haven't been sleeping well for MONTHS, and i didn't notice how bad it was!' and then, on the third night, a vehicle drove by our house, and somebody was screaming out the window of the vehicle, screaming over and over again. i was standing out on the road chatting with the neighbor when it happened. she said, 'is that somebody SCREAMING?' this was so unusual for our small, private, isolated, dead-end road that we could not even imagine such a thing would happen. the vehicle drove by, and my neighbor and i just dumbly stood there in shock and confusion, while the screaming continued. the vehicle slowly drove all the way to the circle at the end of the road - still screaming over and over - turned around, drove back out - still screaming - and this lasted for several minutes, and the screaming never stopped.
can you imagine that a whole neighborhood would just ignore that? we did. we ignored it. and the neighbor and i just stood there. i sometimes fantasize that i should have gotten into my car, and driven out there, and deliberately crashed head-on or sideways or pushed the other vehicle into the ditch. my car might have been too lightweight to do that, because it was dark and i couldn't see whether it was an ordinary car, a van, a truck, or what. we could only see the headlights going by. however, i didn't have a gun or any other weapon to confront the driver if i did push them into a ditch. i didn't know if it was a driver or a passenger who was screaming. can you imagine that a whole neighborhood just ignored a car going by, with someone screaming for several minutes, and nobody did anything at all? this really happened, in 2003. the neighbor and i just stood there and listened to the sound of the screaming. i forget how we ended the conversation. we were standing just out in front of my house, and i must have gone inside and she went home to her house. we were both freaked out and we just didn't do anything but go inside.
that night, after the screaming vehicle, the zapping began. i was zapped awake all night long. the previous two nights were peaceful. the third night was hell. i was unable to sleep for more than a couple seconds, before somebody zapped me and i woke up again. and the next morning, i had to drive back home to pennsylvania, about a seven or eight hour drive, i forget how long it takes. it's a whole day of driving. i took a couple caffeine pills in order to help myself drive home. when i got back to pennsylvania, i was zapped awake for about three days straight.
well, something happened and i think it was that third evening, but i'm not sure. there were these raccoons that climbed up onto my parents' porch to eat the birdseed. it's a really high porch and i was amazed that they could climb up there. they used their claws and climbed up sheer, square, wooden posts, then somehow went around and up over the railing. my parents called me down to their bedroom so that i could see the raccoons. they had done it occasionally before.
when i got home to pennsylvania, a relative sent along a chain/spam letter that she had received from somebody else, that day, as a random coincidence. nobody had talked about the raccoons. the person who supposedly sent her the chain letter was a stranger who would not have spoken to me or my parents. we hadn't even said anything to the relative who passed along that chain letter to me. it was a big email joke about raccoons, with pictures of raccoons and jokes about raccoons. i'm not sure but i think it might have even mentioned birdseed - i forget. the message implied was 'i'm watching you wherever you go.' it was harassment and it was intended to cause psychological distress, to create a state of 'learned helplessness,' to implant the belief 'you cannot escape,' to trigger anger and rage, and to make me believe 'this is a conspiracy and everybody's in on it.'
i had to create the 'puppet theory' to counteract the 'everybody's in on it' interpretation. if you believe everyone's in on it, then everybody is your enemy and nobody can be trusted. and that leads to my worst fear, somebody going out and shooting into a crowd of strangers because they think that people aren't real and everybody around you represents the attackers, while you're the only real human left. that can only happen if you use enough psychiatric drugs to numb yourself, and i'm not doing that. but still, it was necessary to protect myself against those interpretations. instead, i say 'if anybody mentions some private details that they could not possibly have known about, chances are they're a puppet, and they don't understand what they're saying and doing.' the idea is that people are mostly 'puppets' instead of attackers who consciously know that they're harassing you.
wow... this is getting to be another book-length blog.
okay, so here is what went on with the horoscopes. i was getting spam like the raccoon spam, all the time, and it was so specific and so relevant that it could not be coincidence. there were photographs of OTHER people, not myself, people who superficially looked a lot like me, standing in exactly the same position i had been standing in, wearing the same types of clothing, doing the same thing, that i had been doing that day in my house or at a friend's house or at work. except they were cartoonized in a way that made fun of me and made me look ridiculous. it was insulting, degrading, and harassing and it was intended to make me angry and to make me feel violated. i also started getting yahoo horoscopes that were very specific and very relevant to things that had been happening, in such a way that it wasn't coincidence.
when i tried to explain this to people, they said 'but who cares enough to spy on YOU all day long? you're not an important political figure.' normal people mistakenly believe that the only people who get spied on and stalked are celebrities and political figures. that is not true. instead, ordinary, mundane, innocent civilians - random people - get spied on and harassed by mentally ill criminals who have nothing better to do, and by organized crime gangs, and... i will use this word, 'sociopaths,' people who are basically evil and have no remorse about using people as pawns, ruining their lives, and torturing and murdering them. ordinary people get spied on by government employees who take advantage of their access to private records, private information, and military systems and equipment, when the government is supposedly trustworthy and responsible enough to resist the urge to use that information, because supposedly, government employees are less easily tempted than the rest of the population, since they're supposedly a different and better type of human than the rest of us.
you can't ask the question 'why?' WHY would somebody take the time and trouble to craft and produce these fake pictures, using somebody else's image, of a person in the same position you were in, when that would take hours of effort, and would require image recognition software to sort through thousands of images to find somebody in exactly the same positions? i can only answer this: either it's because that person is mentally ill, or because a sociopath paid them to spend that time and effort doing that, in order to cause psychological distress to the victim. saying some criminal is a sociopath is the same as calling that person mentally ill. you can't easily explain the motives of somebody who is mentally ill. those criminals don't understand what they've lost, by attacking people, ruining lives, and making the world a more miserable place to live in. they don't understand what it's like to have normal, loving friendships and loving families and close relationships, where people trust each other and express feelings in a straightforward way.
well, the relevant horoscopes and the hackers crossed the line whenever they commented about a song that i was in the process of writing on my computer, using Reason. i had it on my pc. they sent me horoscopes telling me that i was working on some kind of artwork and that it was going well and that it looked good so far, and they complimented me that it was good. i forget the exact details of what they said, but they made it clear that they were referring to my song. this was the worst possible thing they could do. immediately i hated the song and no longer wanted to work on it, in a place where it would be seen and violated by somebody i loathed, a hated attacker causing misery and suffering and ruining my life. my creations were to be private, only shown to people who shared the same 'sense of life,' as ayn rand called it. a person who respects the life of others. people who violate and ruin lives are not permitted to see my creations in progress, and comment about how well it's going, and recommend what they think should be done with it, and say what they like about it.
so i bought a laptop, and it was intended never to touch the internet. i moved my song writing over there. however, for the past few years, i've been too preoccupied with disasters to spend any time writing songs. my soul is in my music. it is my chosen medium of emotional, spiritual self-expression. it is what i wanted all my life, since childhood. i decided that songwriting was even more important to me than drawing.
but when i started using the laptop, the criminals began doing things to the laptop in order to demonstrate that they could see and affect computers that aren't connected to the internet. i opened up my laptop to look inside it and find out whether it had an antenna that was receiving a wireless internet signal somehow, but i am pretty sure it doesn't have anything like that, and i deliberately bought one that DID NOT have the wireless internet card in it. i just thought maybe there was another antenna inside it someplace, but i couldn't find it.
i would be playing american mcghee's alice on the laptop. there was something strange happening to the weapon she was holding in her hand. if she threw her knife in a dark location, i could see the knife reappearing in her hand because it was surrounded by a glowing light. so i would know when i was able to throw again. that was how it was supposed to function. they started screwing that up, making it so it would no longer glow. i couldn't see when alice's knife reappeared in her hand. i started grumbling and complaining about it, and whenever i complained or got angry out loud, they would immediately make it start glowing again as a 'reward' for my complaining out loud and getting angry. they want to force people to 'break down' and express anger and rage, for their own entertainment, and then 'reward' them for expressing rage. this is something they did to me again and again. they would zap me and harass me in some way until i 'broke' and expressed my rage out loud in some visible way, and then they would 'reward' me by stopping the attacks or fixing the problem. they do that to me while i'm trying to sleep, for instance. they were making my legs kick and twitch while i was trying to sleep, and i knew it was them. i just sat there silently for as long as i could, but i was angry inside. finally i shouted something and i punched the wall with my fist. i try not to shout or bang anything inside the house, because it could upset the neighbors. so the neighbors must have heard me shout 'STOP IT!' and punch the wall in the middle of the night. as soon as i did that, they stopped making my legs twitch. this is the same as what the interrogators do to the guantanamo prisoners: interrogate them until they 'break down' and 'confess' to whatever it is that the interrogators want them to say, and then stop torturing them.
to them, it's all a hilarious joke. when you tell people about the specific things they do, it IS funny, because it would never occur to a healthy, normal, decent person to do those things. it's hard to believe it. when you tell the specific details of what exactly they do to you, it IS funny, and it's specific and unexpected and unimaginable to any decent human being. only a mentally ill person would do that to somebody. i have another example that i read on eleanor white's website. she said that one victim complained that every time she urinated, somebody in the next apartment would start a faucet running, and it would stop running at the exact second that she stopped urinating. do you believe it? i do. i believe that she experienced that, and that she interpreted it correctly as harassment/puppeteering, that it WASN'T a coincidence or a misinterpretation, and that it really happened. (*Note: the particular neighbor who was doing that MIGHT NOT HAVE KNOWN that they were doing it! you CANNOT go confront that neighbor and accuse them of doing this, when they themselves might be a puppet, forced to do something they don't understand.*) that is exactly the type of thing they do to me, and it's designed and intended to be so pathetic that no sane person would even believe somebody would do that to you.
so of course, the whole point was 'you cannot escape to write songs on your laptop. we are watching you.' i wrote songs on my laptop - i never finished any songs, and i don't have any fully completed, polished songs - i only have a lot of small partial things. they didn't directly interfere with the songs themselves. instead, they started interfering with MY BRAIN whenever i would try to write songs. i would be writing a song, and suddenly i would hear the next note playing in my head, before i had written it. 'they' would 'recommend' what note should come next. so i would try to deliberately AVOID using that note, even though it might have been the one i wanted.
i must mention here that i use a book by william russo and jeffrey ainis - i think it's called 'composing music' - i'd have to go find it - and it's a workbook with exercises. i love that book. it is indispensible (*indispensable?*). i've never heard any of william russo's music, and to be honest, i don't think i would like it, but i love his teaching style and his knowledge. some of the good teaching style might have come from his co-author jeffrey ainis, i don't know. anyway, there are very helpful rules and procedures and methods for writing songs. because of that book, i don't get 'writer's block' if i'm trying to make a melody. i have artificial rules that can be used to invent new ideas whenever i get stuck.
the only writer's block that i have is caused by the fact that i can't spend any time on music because i am dealing with disasters, and chemical-induced chronic fatigue that makes me wake up as late as possible in order to drag myself to work every day. and when they zap me while i'm trying to think, that also ruins songwriting. but it ISN'T a 'naturally occurring' writer's block. if it were a naturally occurring writer's block, i would be able to get past it using that book's rules and procedures to artificially write a structured song. and, believe it or not, the songs actually sound LESS predictable, LESS 'canned,' LESS generic, because you can use the rules to make the melodies less predictable and familiar than the melodies your brain might automatically write on its own. when i would hum a melody automatically, i didn't control it, and it would often come out sounding predictable. but if i used the songwriting rules i was able to change those predictable melodies, make something artificial and unexpected.
when i would write music, they would mess with my keyboard and make a note start sticking, and then start zapping me to say 'i'm here and i'm watching you.' after that would start happening, it would become hard to focus on writing the song, and they would start giving me forced urges to get up and do something else instead of songwriting.
after i walked away from the computer, they would force the sound of the song to replay itself over and over and over, endlessly, in my brain, all day and all night long. they would wake me up with the sound of that song i was writing, playing in my head. this wasn't just some natural subconscious processing. this was a physical attack, done the same way the 'voices' are done. i got so sick of hearing my own song replaying itself that i could not think about it and i hated my own song.
they gave me nightmares when i was songwriting, severely abusive and sickening nightmares, with disgusting images of bodily fluids and feces, playing to the sound of disgusting and pathetic songs that they had written, which were a joke and were supposed to be funny, but they weren't funny at all, and i hated them. they wrote a song about defecating, and i don't remember all the beginning of the song, only the end of it, where they sang 'and it went to the water, swirl swirl swirl.'
i don't like to brag, but i am angry enough here that i have to brag. they did those things because they were jealous of my musical talent, and because they themselves do not have any genuine musical talent and cannot write songs the way i write, and because they do not have my spirit and cannot express that spirit in songs the way i am trying to do. the couple of songs that i wrote, that came out the way i wanted them to, were very beautiful to me and i loved them. i did not want mentally ill criminals to 'praise' me for those songs, nor did i want them to 'punish' me by giving me dreams about fecal material played to music.
in the 'they don't know what they've lost' category: they have lost my music that would have been written and put on soundclick and on the propellerheads website, if my life had not been such a disaster and if i hadn't been diverted away from songwriting. .... okay, i know, i've been writing this all morning long and i hardly had any breakfast at all, and that leads to an angry monologue.
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