this is not a game.

the phone rang this morning.

i heard voices in my head suggesting that the call was from a particular person i wanted to hear from, the person i called last night. but the caller id on the cell phone said it was one of the credit card companies.

then, there is another voice 'telling me what to say.' it started telling me the exact words that i would write in my blog to describe the incident. but it spoke in a dry, detached, scientific, almost amused tone of voice.

i am not feeling amused. my feelings are not dry, detached or scientific. this is not a game to me. i am not merely observing somebody playing around or doing a trick.

instead, as usual, when i saw that my call was only from the credit card company, i felt disappointed, frustrated, sad, and hurt. i did not feel amused.

i wanted to see a call from the number who i had called last night.

nor did i feel 'admiration' about the computer-hacking skills of the people who trigger the telemarketing companies to call me, which they do. i am not going to explain right now about all the times that they have demonstrated that they do make telemarketing companies and credit card companies call me. i will only say that it happens all the time.

i called that person's number directly from my cell phone last night. i didn't hack into some credit card company's computer and force that computer to call him. so, on the very tiny chance that that person might have seen some number other than mine on his caller id, well, that wasn't my fault. i'm assuming he probably did see my number, but it's possible that some other number was written there.

and, on the chance that he DID attempt to call me directly, this morning, as you can see that is not the number that appeared on my caller id.

i cannot assume anything about whether he himself is trying to call me directly, versus whether he or somebody else is triggering those other places to call me. i cannot assume anything at all about who is responsible for causing those phone calls. but those are the only calls that i receive. i do not receive, and have not received, any return phone calls or messages from the person who i have been trying to reach.

i want to receive a call from that person who i called, not from some other phone number or corporation.

whenever they tell me the words to say, whenever they tell me what to write, it falsely appears as though i am somehow strong and commanding and assertive. that is not how i feel at all. i feel silence and pain and hurt, and there are no words for it. i am not this strong person that they falsely portray me to be. a friendship began several months ago and i have lost all interaction with that person.

there is a real person whose identity is being suppressed, a person whose identity is being falsely portrayed to the world.

in real-world interactions, you see me with a terrible look on my face, you see that i cannot look at you, you see that i can hardly look you in the eye, and when i do look you in the eye, there is pain.

does that look anything like the detached, amused words that they wanted me to write this morning? does that look like admiration for some unknown hacker - and i can't assume ANYTHING about who it is - since i have no direct evidence?

does it look like i think this is a game? does it look like i'm enjoying this? does it look like i want it to go on and on for months, while i have no contact at all with the person who began a friendship with me?

you might be afraid that i would falsely accuse you of something you didn't do. that's the same feeling i have. i'm afraid that you will falsely accuse me of something i didn't do. you say you haven't been getting my emails - but i can't know what that sentence means, and i had to hear it through somebody else. but, whether you received these emails or not, in my emails i told you that several years ago i had a conflict with somebody that almost exactly resembled what's going on right now: it started as an attraction or interest, at the workplace, and then i began emailing him, but i could not control the urges to do that, and those were not my own urges - i was a puppet most of the time. and he didn't answer any of the letters or emails, but instead, he called the police, and then eventually they called the meadows, and i was committed.

that is what i fear. that is why i would like to know what kind of relationship we have, now and in the future.

you might be afraid that i will correctly accuse you of something you DID do. i don't know.

i don't know what you're afraid of. i don't know why you've lied to me about small, trivial things.

the real person who is me is being suppressed. whatever you read and whatever you see is a strong persona being put out here that you can look at. but you don't see the actual smallness, weakness, timidness, and silence of the REAL PERSON who is being hurt. this is not a game and it is not amusing. i do not find it entertaining. i do not 'get off' on it in any way whatsoever. this is not the type of relationship that i wanted.

i could try looking at the emails i sent you, and try to distinguish which words were my own, and which were from some other persona. but i actually don't know. i don't know how a real relationship would have gone in the real world, what i would have said and done, what feelings i would have felt.

i don't know you very well. i don't know how much of a puppet you are. i don't know what you're experiencing. i don't know what the voices say to you. i don't know what lies they tell you.

i can only say what my intuition sees when i look at you. i see someone similar to myself in your eyes. i see in your eyes you also feel trapped. i can hardly look at you, but when i do, you don't look happy about it either. i hardly ever get the chance to see that, but i have seen it more than once. you don't look happy about this.

i don't think it's possible to reason with the criminals who control us as puppets. i've already tried many times. reasonable people do not use electronic devices and computer systems to force other people to behave a certain way, feel certain feelings, and think certain thoughts. reasonable people allow others to be themselves. they let people be who they are.