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caution. towards the end this is a VERY NEGATIVE blog about my psychotronic experiences... not really pleasant reading. also, it's rambling and disorganized. i'm not mentally at my best today.
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i did use sjw finally after going without it for a while longer than usual. that's why all of a sudden there are multiple blogs in a single day.
(that's also why i seemed friendly and chatty all of a sudden at work. when i've used sjw, suddenly everyone talks to me. it's weird, because it seems like THEY approach ME much more when i've used it. i babble randomly much more. there are smile wrinkles next to my eyes, i think, when i'm constantly smiling. sjw is similar to marijuana in that way, because it sometimes gives you a 'permagrin.' i use very low doses, and so all i get is a twinkle in my eyes. plus, it makes my eyes literally shine, i've noticed, when i look in the mirror after using it. there is something different about their reflectivity, literally. and sjw causes photosensitivity, and your eyes can become painfully sensitive to light.)
i didn't mean to imply that the community was just pretend. it isn't. it's in the fantasy stage right now because my life is a mess and i can't do the things i need to do to make it real. but there is a very real need for a community.
the winter solstice will be here soon. i don't know which day it is, because it's not marked on my calendar, even though it's a WEATHER calendar. i can't believe that the solstice isn't marked on a weather calendar. technically, it's not really 'weather,' but it's so closely related to it that i would expect it to be on there.
anyway, i like that day, because after that, the days start to get longer and brighter. during the dim, short days of winter, people get depressed much more. it seems like every autumn, you read in the news about suicides and things all happening at once, during just a couple months, while the rest of the year is more peaceful. but some people have problems in other times of the year. it depends on the person. it's just that i myself, and a lot of others, have problems in the winter.
i officially stopped celebrating christmas a few years ago. before i read tom flynn's book, 'the trouble with christmas' (a book discovered by my old friend rachael), i was withdrawing from christmas in an unofficial way, just celebrating it very passively, never buying people any gifts, but still accepting gifts from my parents. then, i made it official, and over the next few years, i told more and more relatives that i was not celebrating, and i had to repeatedly tell them NOT to buy me gifts. you'd be surprised how many people really live by the rule 'it's better to give than to receive.' nobody cared that i was just receiving a bunch of gifts and not giving them a single thing in return. they probably liked it BETTER that way, which actually makes me kind of angrier. quitting christmas is one of the most 'real' manifestations of my beliefs that other people can see. it's the one that puts me into direct conflict with people in the real world in the most obvious ways. but it's not as much of an issue as it used to be. i mostly just ignore it now.
still, the christmas music playing on the radio for weeks and weeks bothers me. one day, they switched it to country music, and i wondered if somebody was testing me to see which music i hated more. i actually learned to like some country music when i had a roommate in college who listened to it all the time. i know a few good songs and i occasionally listen to it on the radio. but there is a lot of it that i don't like. country music is somehow not easy for me to get used to. but then again, i am picky about my music and i actually don't like much that's on the radio. if there was an underground/independent country music song, i might like it. but if it's on the radio, it's 'pop' country. maybe that's the problem. anyway, i have mixed feelings about country music. i mostly ignored it when it was on the radio at work.
well, there's one christmas song in particular that bothers me a lot. and i'm not the only person who complained about it, either. it's 'ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall...' no, wait, it's 'i am henry the eighth i am...' no, no, umm, oh, i know what it is: 'the twelve days of christmas.' what exactly is the mathematical concept being taught by that song? i forget. something like exponentials, but that's the wrong word. you're adding up a number, plus every number below it. 12+11+10+9... or something. what is the total number of lords-a-leaping at any given moment in the song? what is the total number of golden rings at some particular iteration? if i were in the mood to fry my brain cells actually trying to think about this, i might find the formula to calculate all of those things.
a much better song is 'one bat hanging in the steeple.' it doesn't count down. it counts UPWARDS to infinity. it's sung by 'the count,' from sesame street, and it's on the sing-a-long album, which was made in the seventies or the eighties. i was very young. i think my mom and dad still have that record in the house, and i still have a record player that works. i could play it. the sing-a-long record is funny - it's not just songs, but a sort of situation comedy. bert is taking a bath, and ernie invites all of the neighbors and friends into the bathroom to have a sing-a-long.
(anyway, the bat song is: one bat hanging in the steeple, one bat flies in through the door; that makes two bats in my belfry - wonderful! but wait, there's more... two bats hanging in the steeple... and so on. i got sidetracked and kept writing too much stuff.)
it was odd, just a few months ago i reconsidered that situation, and realized that some people might not find it funny if they had been sexually abused. they might feel sorry for bert being stuck in the bathtub trying to hide behind the curtain with a bunch of people in the bathroom. i always thought it was a hilarious record until i looked at it that way. it is still funny to me, though. you can laugh at a comedy, when it might not be funny if you were in a traumatic situation where something like that really happened, because you know it's not real.
stories and shows supposedly have some signal that tells the listener 'this is just pretend.' (i mean a psychological signal. like 'once upon a time, far far away...') tom flynn mentioned that, with regard to the myth of santa claus. he said that parents don't act like 'we're just playing pretend.' they tell their kids about santa claus as though he is a literal fact of reality. later on, they claim that it was just a 'shared game of pretend,' but it wasn't. the confused kid actually believes that some guy is entering the house and secretly putting presents under the tree. this is psychologically damaging to children. the kids grow up and later on, they do the same thing to their own kids.
the idea was that when you tell a story, you signal somehow that it's just pretend. tom flynn said that if you do tell kids about santa claus, AT LEAST you should tell the kid that he's a myth or fantasy character, and NOT a physical person like the mailman. parents believe that it's FUN for children to believe in santa claus, and that this loss of belief is a sad loss of childhood, therefore, you should encourage them to believe in santa as long as possible, and sadly regret the day when the children 'stop believing.'
but that is not the solution to the problem. you can still encourage children to use their imaginations, to pretend things, without necessarily believing them to be literally true. on the internet, there are thousands of people in role-playing games, MUDs, video games, second life, etc. so kids don't just 'grow up' and 'stop believing' when they find out that santa claus isn't real. they still have imaginations.
and if there is something in particular about santa claus which is so amazingly wonderful that we MUST have it in reality, then they should do something about it. if we want to encourage people to believe that their imaginary fantasies can be made into reality, there's nothing wrong with that. but you should actually teach them that 'out loud,' explicitly, not just by making them believe in santa claus.
for instance, santa's flying sleigh. i want: individual recreational flight. flying machines are something that can be attempted in reality. i would be happy with a mere glider that only went a few feet above the ground. i would hold onto it and run through an empty field. if you only glided a little, it would still be worth doing. it doesn't require a heavy, noisy engine. this is actually very important to me and it's something i've wanted all my life.
('individual flight' and 'a certain kind of music' are two of the deepest, most real things i've wanted since i was a child, the things that feel like part of my soul and spirit. another is 'a community of people who feel the same way i do about things.')
when THEY first started attacking me, years ago, FLYING DREAMS were one of the worst attacks that they did to me. when i found out that all of my dreams were fake dreams, that i never dreamed a single real dream without being hypnotized anymore - if i ever dreamed a natural dream in my whole life - then i noticed that they gave me certain dreams as 'rewards' or 'punishments' for trivial events that had happened in my life. they gave me flying dreams, which i was supposed to enjoy, as a 'reward' for making progress in some area of my life. they also gave me abusive flying dreams, in which i would try to fly, but then i would fly up underneath a bunch of electrical wires that were crisscrossing the sky a hundred feet up or so. for some reason, i wasn't able to see the power lines. i would always fly upwards underneath them accidentally, and i was supposedly 'stupid' for 'not being able to see them.' and my back would press against them, and i would get electrically zapped in the back.
now that i know about their way of using language and their symbolism, i suspect that 'power lines' are just a symbol for 'power structures in society,' or something like that. 'you can't rise above the power structures holding you down.' some idiotic, insane, stupid message like that.
later on, the meaning of the insane message was changed to something else entirely. this is one of those things where, if you're a target, or if you're me, then you don't laugh at it, because i don't think it's funny. i don't feel amused - i feel hatred and loathing. the new message, later on, was that body odor was represented by 'wings,' and that flying birds were spreading body odor everywhere they went ('birds' also refers to females - it's slang in the UK, i think), so that if you would see the image of a flying hawk you would immediately imagine that it had body odor and was shameless about it. being 'oblivious' or 'shameless' about something was one of their themes.
these are ideas that they were putting into my head, with dreams, with voices, mental conversations and images. there were tv commercials that i remember from childhood - 'raise your hand if you're sure.' the commercial showed the statue of liberty raising its arm, and it showed insecure, anxious people tightly holding their arms down at their sides because they were terrified about odor and wetness. in the dream images they were degrading me, insulting me, sexually violating me, and being disgusting, and, as i said, i hated them and loathed them. and this was because i had questioned the need for deodorant, years ago, and had gone through periods of time when i didn't use it. but i still took showers every day. i found out that in the wintertime, there is no smell at all. it's only when it's very hot and humid outside. the dreams were insulting and degrading me for having questioned those things; they made fun of me for 'not having any shame,' and tried to make me ashamed; while on the other hand, there were other people simultaneously telling me to do the exact opposite, and avoid showering, and to deliberately have a smell. anyway, the new insulting/degrading/hatred message was now 'she's flying,' and they would put flying bird images into my head.
the other thing they started doing was triggering imaginary smells. i'm not the only target who has experienced this. i read about it on other people's blogs. they experience forced smell perception. you might be in an empty room with nothing around you at all, and suddenly you smell things that are nowhere nearby, things you could not possibly smell.
they started doing that to me, except they started trying to make it seem realistic and believable. but whenever they would do it, they would immediately either talk to me with a voice, or trigger fake emotions of anger and rage, so that i would know that it was a fake incident.
it turns out that, in reality, you can hardly smell people at all unless you are standing right next to them, or if you are in a small enclosed area with little air ventilation. you cannot smell people at a distance, or not much. so during the time when they were simultaneously encouraging/degrading me about the way that i smelled, while telling me to deliberately not take a shower, they were also triggering forced imaginary smells and then triggering emotions of rage and fake nausea. and they made me smell body odor on people who i was absolutely certain COULD NOT have it in reality - well-groomed mainstream people, non-hippies, ordinary people, co-workers, 'clean-cut' men and women.
people would walk up to me and start talking about ordinary things at work, and all of a sudden, i would smell fake body odor, and i would feel fake nausea, as though the smell was sickening me. and they simultaneously portrayed those people as 'oblivious' about their own 'humiliating if they only knew' odor.
all of these things were sending conflicting messages, as though the attackers both encouraged me, and hated me, for being a questioner and nonconformist. they made fun of me, and made fun of all the 'clean' people, and their messages were contradictory. sometimes, they've told me that they're NOT ALLOWED to say what they really mean, because their lives are in danger.
i've heard that if people try to leave the organized crime gangs and/or government agencies responsible for giving people the forced dreams and the voices, i've heard that they kill you, or they force you to kill yourself, or they make you have an accident. they don't let people leave and betray the gang/agency.
it happened to me during the court case in 2003. during the court case, all of a sudden, cars in the oncoming lane would cross the yellow line and drive towards me in my lane. it would happen every time i researched a particular person on the internet. it happened more than the usual number of times. those things happen occasionally, but i had an unusually large number of those incidents. you can put someone to sleep, hypnotize them while they're driving, i think. i think that's what happened. i think that some people have also had plane crashes for that reason.
a voice was talking to me about this just today, talking about my hatred towards the people who do these things. i call them names to protect myself psychologically, but it's very hard for them to tolerate. there is psychological stress on the people who are operating the equipment and following orders. i call them 'criminals' and they were saying 'i'm not a criminal.' and they don't like being called psychopaths either. some of them sympathize with the targets.
i don't know how they can leave the gang without getting hurt. i've never been in a gang like that, nor have i ever worked for the government, so i don't have any suggestions. being a target, i don't always have much sympathy for them. but i think that's one thing they want me to do, to find countermeasures and fight back, so that i can help the people who are attempting to leave the gang, people who really wish they could escape from it and have a peaceful life elsewhere without becoming targets themselves.
last spring, i cried and cried a lot, one day, because i was afraid that if i met new people, if i made new friends, those people would become targets and would experience the same things that were happening to me. i think i was being drugged at the time, because all of my emotions were strange and exaggerated. but still, i didn't want anyone else to go through what i went through. that was one reason why i avoided meeting new people.
i think that happens, but i am not thinking about it much. there's nothing i can do to prevent it. i don't even feel as worried about it as i used to. i have to make friends in order to get anything done at all, and to get any social support. i still plan to continue meeting people.
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