contamination

this is for retmeishka.

i just thought of something yesterday, that i can't just open retmeishka to the public (or rather, those who know me), because i had a long rant about mark. hurting people isn't what i want. i remember what i was trying to express: anger towards the voices. anger about what they had been saying and doing to me for months, telling me things about mark and making me think it was about martin. anger that they made it sound like i would LIKE what he was doing, when actually i find it disturbing. still the whole rant makes it sound like i hated mark, and that's not what i meant, but that's what he would think if he read it.

i thought of him this morning, because i put on a pair of pants that i think i must have worn when i visited him. i have two main pairs of pants that i've been wearing at home. the one that i put on had been washed, but when i put it on, i felt an antidepressant effect that wasn't st john's wort. it's a numbing effect. it's a pharmaceutical psychiatric drug, the one i noticed that had contaminated me after i visited mark. i don't know if it will come out after a few washings, or if i will have to throw away the pair of pants. i've been buying pants at goodwill, but over the last few months i switched to trying to wash laundry again. there will still be accidents now and then, but at least now i know about the phenomenon of drugs contaminating clothing. still, i had assumed that pharmaceutical drugs contaminated you less than herbal essential oils. i thought that they were more of a dry powder, perhaps less staticky, less able to stick to things and stain them. but from what i've been experiencing, this seems to have been a wrong assumption. all drugs have a risk of contaminating objects, surfaces, clothing, etc.

yesterday i saw someone at work and he glanced at me and he looked SICK. i don't want to upset people so badly that they look sickened when they look at me. i don't mean that he was sickened BY ME, but rather, sickened by things i had said. i wrote things that were disgusting and disturbing and sexual in the other blog.

the words we were saying yesterday were: i want you to be proud of everything you do. it was because just recently, the voices had been saying i was a celebrity, and then they started urging me to find out about how google recorded my name on the other blog, and they gave me a news article - i assume it was given to me personally, because it seemed to have relevant timing, just like many other news articles - about how employers look people up on the internet before hiring. it would explain why i was not being hired.

i feel partly tempted to blame them, to say they're the ones who forced me to write a non-anonymous blog about mind control. however, i sort of agreed with that idea. it was the feeling that this needs to be out in the open, that the taboo needs to be broken. and yesterday we were saying, i want you to be proud of everything you do. that means proud of writing my blog. and that i must know the reasons for doing it.

i was reading harry browne the other day when i was working in the seafood department. i wanted to write down his rules. they were rules of his personal morality. it was from how i found freedom in an unfree world. i'm not going to do it right now, but i was thinking of actually copying them down by typing them into the computer by hand.

i could deliberately do things to make my blogs more popular, more well known. i don't have stats on my other blog, but i happened to look at the profile yesterday, and it said there were like, 436 views of my profile. that was unexpected. i don't know if that's the same people viewing it more than once, or what. that's because i think that's where my links are to my other pages. i forget. i would have to look at it again.

i think this drug makes me feel hopeless, and more depressed. i don't like it. it caused anorgasmia the first day after i visited mark. it was very obviously a pharmaceutical antidepressant. st john's wort doesn't give me that symptom. he said he wasn't on drugs, either - he had recently said things that at least SOUNDED LIKE he wasn't using any drugs at that time. either he was lying and he actually was on drugs, or else the drugs really did contaminate his clothing. whatever it was, it got enough of a contamination on me that it was all over that outfit, and it didn't wash out on the first washing.

and people don't believe the drug contamination theory, either. that frustrates me. i get voices who act like they're new people who don't know me. i don't know if that's real, if it's really true that they're 'clueless newbies' as i call them, or if they're just pretending to be new. the new people don't believe in the existence of my contamination. they weren't here when everything happened, when i had my first experiences, when i made several important observations over a period of years:

how, first, when i grew my sjw, i found out that it goes through the skin. i found this out by touching the leaves.

how i remember that there were incidents, in the apartment above, where i felt like i was getting a dose of prozac, even though i hadn't taken it in months, i had rejected it after only a week and a half or so, because it was intolerable. i wasn't taking the drug, but had incidents where the symptoms would reappear. the contamination theory explained that quite well, after i learned about the phenomenon.

how i had learned several years before, during the feingold diet, that i put a lotion on my skin one day, and the lotion contained extracts of oranges and other fruits and herbs, to give it a smell. and i became intolerably hyperactive afterwards. the salicylates from the fruits in the lotion gave me the same symptoms that they gave me when i ate them. or something else in the lotion. the point was that it was the lotion, and it went through my skin.

so i found out, one thing after another, that a lot of drugs and chemicals can be absorbed transdermally.

and the events in my apartment, when i began growing the herbs, handling the seeds. first i had tobacco, and it started to grow, but i didn't yet know about juglone, and i didn't know that the dirt from under the walnut trees was killing all the plants i tried to grow. nothing grew very well.

and when the seeds of the ephedra plant were delivered in the mail, i handled the envelope and had not yet even opened it or touched the seeds directly. and i had insomnia so severe that i called off work because i felt desperate for sleep and felt that i was going crazy. it was unbearable. and i didn't know what was causing it.

i don't know how i solved that - i must have taken a shower or washed my hands and gotten rid of enough of the ephedra poison.

but it was the ephedra that pointed out to me the phenomenon of contamination once and for all. i already had the awareness that drugs could go through the skin. but i assumed that the drugs would only be produced in a fully grown plant. i assumed the seeds would not have any. so i started planting the ephedra. it was okay for a few minutes, but then i pressed one of the seeds down into wet soil, and the water got on my finger. immediately the ephedra went through my skin. there must have been enough of it already on my fingers, and getting them wet gave it something to dissolve into.

i remember what happened. the plant light suddenly seemed too bright, and the light seemed to be vibrating. the bright light seemed to give me a strange unpleasant feeling, and i turned it off. (that would be because of the mydriatic effect: pupils dilated.) i then had feelings of panic and terror, and a rising feeling of greater and greater terror and panic that just kept getting worse. it directly affects the heart. it was the worst feeling i have ever had. it was uncontrollable fear and panic and i became unable to think. my head, my brain, would no longer work. i think i must have washed my hands. but i must have also touched some other things first. and the envelope also touched things.

and it was afterwards, after i threw away the seeds, after i got rid of all the plant growing equipment, that i began to find that other objects in the house triggered the same event. i had reset all the clocks one day, as a spontaneous act, in order to help me get to work on time. that would have been a strange behavior, and it was triggered by drugs. it turns out that i had ephedra all over my hands, from handling the envelope, and i touched all the clocks. when i touched the clocks later on, i had another incident of rising, increasing fear and uncontrollable terror and panic. those were unbearable contamination incidents.

the terror and panic were so unbearable that it traumatized me and i became terrified of touching any unfamiliar objects that hadn't been handled in a long time. if you experienced that unbearable sensation after touching objects around your house, you would be terrified of touching objects too. there were one or two other places that had ephedra.

the floors had tobacco on them. the tobacco leaves had grown for a short time even in the walnut juglone soil. they must have emitted volatile oils which settled on the floor, and i tracked them around. when i touched the floor, i got hit by a drug that felt like tobacco. i wasn't aware of this at first, but after learning about the ephedra, i knew what to expect.

i don't like dealing with voices who weren't there when all this happened, as i observed and experienced step by step the phenomenon of household contamination. as i found out that it doesn't wash out of laundry, and laundry has to be thrown away. some person just tried to tell me the other day 'there is NO CONTAMINATION' or something like that. i don't know if he's really new or just pretending. they think i'm superstitious and i have delusional beliefs.

i'm not that concerned about it, because they can't tell me anything that will change my behavior. i know what needs to be done about this. the house needs to be cleaned. nothing they say is going to change how i behave around the house. gradual tests to undo some of the fears about touching unknown objects - that's okay - but you can't just dismiss the whole idea of the contamination. and i was furious about the incident where they would not let me think without zapping, when i tried to plan how i would bring home the futon, and so i ended up causing a foreseeable, preventable problem, by throwing it directly into the car trunk where the toxic laundry and the borax were. and now it got the whole futon ruined.

the main obstacle is the carpet. that disturbs me the most. it cannot be removed entirely from fabric on something like a carpet. the carpet fibers, the carpet strings, whatever you call it, the bristles of the carpet, have too much surface area. the substance has been ground down into them. also, when you shampoo the carpet, it removes some of the chemicals, but pushes it around and down into the bristles. so it gets reduced but not entirely removed. the carpet can only be thrown in the garbage. i will reduce it as much as i can, and then, i will relocate to another apartment, maybe one in this same building, and i will let joe replace the carpet, as he did in my previous one upstairs. however, while they're doing that, they will walk around on it. even if i clean the linoleum in the kitchen as well as i can - linoleum is fine, i'm not worried about it - they will track small amounts from the old carpet to the linoleum, then replace the carpet, then track from the linoleum to the brand new carpet. there will be small amounts. however, i can only do what i can... but it bothers me. the new tenants won't understand the phenomenon of contamination, and their blood pressure will rise, and they'll go to a doctor, who will say 'you have high blood pressure. here, take this prescription drug for the rest of your life.' and the blood pressure was caused by environmental poison.

so i have to reduce it on this carpet, so much that it will be trivial.

and it was more than one chemical. here are all the possible herbs and chemicals that have been in this apartment at various times: st john's wort, stevia rebaudiana, tobacco, ephedra, cacao, coffee (yes, i also tried to plant them), camellia sinensis (i suspect that one's causing some symptoms too). and on the laundry i used borax, which i think got all over a lot of things. and i think that at least one of my coins is made of lead instead of silver, and i get strange sensations when i touch the coins, and my head becomes dopey and stupid afterwards. the coins weren't on the carpet, except a couple of coins in one specific place, but so, there could be lead poisoning in that location. i'm not sure if that really is a problem or not. but i do know that when i touch the box that the coins are in, i get a dopey, stupid head, and can't think. it's not all of the coins, either, because when i buy new ones, i don't have a problem touching them directly and handling them. there might only be one counterfeit coin in that box. it was actually the voices who pointed out to me that i might be getting heavy metal poisoning while handling the coins, and i agreed with them. the silver might not be as bad as the lead, because, as i said, it isn't ALL the coins that cause problems.

i was glancing over this again: 'i want you to be proud of everything you do.' my knowledge: i know what i've observed, even if people disagree with me. there are those out there who would agree with all of my contamination experiences. there are those who would agree about the mind control. there are those who would agree about small local communities in anarchy, with the national government broken up and reduced as much as we can. there are those who would agree about my long hair and grooming obsessions. there are those who would agree about my sexual beliefs and social beliefs, about how to raise children, how to feed them, what to teach them.

and if i reach out to look for those people i will find them, but i haven't been reaching out looking for people. i know what i would do if i looked. i already have ideas of what to do and how to do it.