went to work yesterday evening; reign of terror; my weight fluctuations; B&N; projects going on; enneagram types; wearing shorts

Last night I didn't get to go to B&N because I chose to go to work to substitute for someone else.  I don't usually do that, but this week I did it partly because I've just started back at Weis again and I feel like I have to make up for being off work for several weeks.  I'm afraid to argue with anyone or say no to them or get on anyone's nerves.  I don't know how much I'll be writing today, but I could mention that I'm worried about the Reign of Terror.  For the past few weeks everyone is worried about getting fired.  We have a whole bunch of new managers and for some reason it seems like lots of people are getting fired.  This is the time of year when normally we cut hours, but for some reason, it seems like people are getting fired completely instead of just cutting back.  I'm afraid of getting fired or afraid that people I like will get fired.  It can happen in an instant, unexpectedly, over something trivial.  It can happen because you call off sick without a doctor's excuse, for instance.

I have been sick more often living in State College (and surrounding areas) than I ever have any other place I've lived.  Every time people travel in and out of town for football games or for college, they bring stomach viruses.  Throughout autumn, I literally had a stomach virus once or twice every week.  I lost a lot of weight and I could see the outline of my ribs and my pelvic bones.  I didn't have a scale, but I think I went down to about 115 or 110 pounds.  Now I am suddenly gaining weight, and I am at 131 pounds (weighed at the doctor's office).  This is a weight that I describe as 'sturdy.'  I can't see my ribs anymore. The most I ever weighed was about 145, in college.  That's a long story if I explain my theories about why I gained that much weight.

Anyway, there is no possible way that I could have called off work every time I had a stomach virus in autumn, and there is even less of a chance that I could waste $100 for every doctor's visit to tell me, 'Yes, you do indeed have a stomach virus - it's okay to call off work,' and then tell me that they want to do a whole bunch of tests to see why I keep getting them every single week.  It would be hard to do that, because the instant I catch the virus, I stop eating and drinking, so I don't vomit.  So I can't go and lie to them and tell them I've been vomiting, when I haven't.

The main idea is that the new management probably won't let people just give them their word that they're actually sick when they call off - they will need a doctor's excuse for every stomach virus, every week.

So the 'Reign of Terror' is partly why I said yes to going in to work.  I'm trying to placate them because I missed all this work and they wanted a doctor's excuse and I'm afraid to argue with anyone right now.

I'm going to B&N tonight though, at the usual time.  I haven't worked on any more ads for my group, because I am in conflict with 'them' about what exactly the group is supposed to DO together.  In the Diana Leafe Christian books about intentional communities, they emphasized the importance of making a very clear mission statement for the group.  Not only that, but 'we' are focused on some other projects right now, and I can't do too many things at once.  That's the main reason.

The main 'project' is that they are pushing me to strengthen my friendship with the guy that I like.  This is the one I have mentioned a couple of times and I said that I myself wouldn't have tried, except that they have been pushing me to keep contacting him and trying to do more things with him, like see him away from work.

Now that they are 'trying on' enneagram type Five, the explanation for my behavior is that I'm a 'rejected' personality type (actually it's called 'ambivalent') - there are three types, the Two, Five, and Eight, and all of those types feel that other people are somehow bigger and stronger than they themselves are, and other people have what we need and we have to somehow beg or bargain or do something useful for somebody in order to get what we need from them - we have to 'pay' for our friendships and pay to be loved and accepted.  And we always feel that we're being rejected or at risk of being rejected, even if we want to ask for small, minor things that should be no big deal.  That is how I interpret what I've read.  And these 'rejected' types tend to do things that REALLY DO give people a reason to reject them.  Let me give an example:  Type Two (child molester), Type Eight (murderous evil dictator, mafia boss, etc), Type Five (babbling weirdos who either hide from everybody or else talk constantly about subjects that nobody else is interested in - if you have memorized every single type of military weapon ever created in human history and all you ever want to do is talk in detail about that, and nothing but that, you're a Five, and nobody wants to listen to you).

This comes from Karen Horney, I think - it's called Object Relations Theory.  You're either ambivalent, connected, or disconnected.  It's all in one of the enneagram books.  I can't remember but I think it's the big orange book, towards the end, after all the type descriptions, in a chapter where they connect the enneagram to other theories.

Connected types - I myself noticed them whenever I was young, but I didn't have a way to describe it.  I noticed that there were some people who I couldn't argue with, because they had one set way of doing things, and there was no other way, and nothing on earth could make them change their minds about their way of doing things.  It didn't matter how much logical argument I might give them, or how much evidence I could show that there was something wrong with their way of doing things - they would never even consider any 'off the beaten path' ideas for even a second.  Those are connected types.  They are connected to a certain way of living that seems to be working out.  My description sounded like a big complaint, because I myself find it hard to have a conversation with people about my favorite subjects if they're a connected type - or at least, I did a long time ago, but it might not be so bad nowadays.  Nowadays, I don't argue as much as I did back then.  I listen patiently a lot more than I used to.  So I could probably talk to 'connected' types better nowadays after I've learned all about communication skills and personality types.  But that was my memory from childhood, though, when I observed that there were some people who just wouldn't change their minds for anything.  As an adult, I can say that there are good things about this type:  connected types help keep society stable, keep it from changing so much.  This is Three, Six, and Nine.

Disconnected types are people who are frustrated and dissatisfied with everything, even if things are going well.  Again, this is something most people have heard of.  They say that there are some people who are never happy even after they win the lottery, for instance.  I don't like to describe it that way, because I can sort of understand how this feels.  After you win the lottery, there are still an infinite number of things that you need to do.  You have some of your needs taken care of, but you still might have health problems and you just don't feel good, for instance, and that will make you chronically unhappy.  But a disconnected type of person will tend to feel that no matter what's going on, they still need to find something they don't have.  This is type One, Four, and Seven.

All of my descriptions focused on the negative side, not the positive side.  If you read about all of 'Levels of Development,' it says that people can be healthier or less healthy, and all of the types are good when they're healthy, and cause problems when they're unhealthy.  It's just that their problems have particular patterns which go with each type.

I do fit the description of 'writing for hours in detail about something nobody is interested in.'  However, this would improve if I were shielded from hearing voices.  I would write my own observations more clearly if I were not being controlled and forced to write badly and think badly.

And that is the second project I have going:  a cheap, low-tech shield.  They FINALLY allowed me to try this project.  I have wanted to do this for years, but 'it was always SOMETHING' getting in the way of doing the project.  There was always something.  I had to do other things, I had to deal with the drug residue contamination, etc, etc, and I just could not try building a low-tech shield.

I have realistic expectations for this.  This is a shield that will reduce the ambient background radio, the ordinary radio that isn't directed at me personally.  If I go inside this box, I won't be able to use my cell phone or listen to the radio.  I am going to use, you guessed it... foil.  The laughable 'tinfoil hat' approach to reducing the amount of electromagnetic radiation.  It can't get rid of it completely and it can't block the actual attacks with guns/lasers/whatever it is.  Anything stronger than background radiation.  What it WILL do is make the attacks 'stick out like a sore thumb.'  Since the ambient background radio will be reduced, I'll notice the attacks much more clearly, in the silence.  I will lie down in there and meditate.  Note, this is going to be not even a closed box, but an open box with lots and lots of fresh air flowing through it.  It is not complicated and I don't have any kind of ventilation system except that both ends of the box will be partly open and I will aim a fan to blow into it.  This is why I say it doesn't do much except reduce the radio without blocking it completely.

It will also damp background noise.  I am using ceiling tiles that I bought at Lowe's.  Ceiling tiles are designed to muffle sounds.  Sonic attacks and electromagnetic attacks - those are my two main categories that I know about.  If you read AJH's website at tiworld.blogspot.com, you see that he talks about manipulating gravity.  I don't know enough about this to agree or disagree with it, but if gravity manipulation were real, I might put it into a third category besides the two categories I listed.  Anyway, sound wave attacks, ultrasonic attacks, need to be blocked by the shield as well as electromagnetic attacks.  I don't know enough about how far the ultrasonic attacks can travel, and I don't know if those are being used on me or not.  This shield is only a test, to observe what happens, what changes.  I am not expecting any miracles, and I am not expecting to be able to completely block out attacks.

I read on another website, hightechharassment.com, that you could use the long fluorescent light bulbs to block sound waves, because they almost have a vacuum inside, and sound cannot travel through a vacuum.  Again, it would reduce it but not block it completely.  I haven't bought light bulbs yet - it would be more expensive - but in the long run I will probably try that.

I want to block out the loud clicking noises and the 'slip' attacks.  The 'slip' attacks happen like this:  Some part of your body is resting against a surface.  You feel a tickling, tingling sensation in the skin, and then suddenly your arm, or whatever, slips and slides down the surface for no reason, a little at a time, over and over, even though it seems like friction ought to hold it in place.  No matter where you move your arm, or leg, or whatever, it just won't stop slipping against the surface.  Even if you stabilize it and get it into a place where it seems like it absolutely can't move, it will still start slipping a little at a time, even if it doesn't really go anywhere and you just feel it sort of vibrate between yourself and the surface.  Usually they do other types of attacks at the same moment, like a 'rage' attack where they artificially force you to feel enraged, angry, and ready to kill someone.

This type of attack can cause death:  they can make your hand slip on the steering wheel of your car, while you are turning around a corner, if you have only one hand on the steering wheel, and if your hand isn't near one of those bars that connects the 'outer wheel' part of the steering wheel to the 'axle' part in the middle, which would block your hand if the wheel slipped out of your grip and started to turn on its own.  If you slip someone's hand on the steering wheel at the right moment, they will drive right off the road and they could die, kill someone, destroy property, or at least destroy the vehicle, so this type of attack is a major threat, not a minor nuisance.

I don't have a lot of time left on this library login... I'm trying to remember the other things I wanted to say.  I was going to mention that soon it will be warm enough for me to start wearing shorts.  This is actually a big deal.  In college, I used to wear shorts and I tolerated people staring at me because I don't shave.  (My old friend and I stopped shaving in 1993 or so.  She eventually started shaving again, but I didn't.  I have only shaved a couple of times since then, just for fun or as an experiment, only two or three times.)  Sometimes people gave me blatantly, openly disgusted, horrified looks.  That was back in college.

I started wearing long pants all the time because, one time, I had a really bad poison ivy rash, and I wanted to cover it up because it looked awful, and I discovered that I felt more relaxed and comfortable when people weren't staring and gawking at me all the time, so I just continued wearing long pants.  Then, for a while, I was wearing long pants because I had another terrible rash on my legs - it was either mange from the stray cats at Eric's house, or, later on, duck mites from the duckpond - there are these parasites that infest the ducks and the snails in the water, and when they crawl up your legs and dig into your skin, they leave a rash.  Nowadays, I've been wearing long pants because of the drug residues on my car seat, but I have vinyl on the car seat now, so I should be able to try wearing shorts again.  But only if I feel up to it.  Sometimes, like I said, I'm not in the mood to be gawked at.

Not much time, so I'll finish this up.

'Trying On' enneagram type Five

Today I have a feeling of emotional numbness.  I feel like I've taken an antidepressant.  I've still been wearing some of the clothes that I wore to the doctors' offices, and every time I've gone to any of my various doctors' appointments recently, I've come home feeling like I hit antidepressant residues somewhere in the office.  It can be on the seat that I'm sitting on, or the table where I rest my arm while talking to the doctor, for instance.

I still sometimes wonder if someone has come into the house at night and drugged me, but I usually assume that I have hit residues somewhere, now that I know what I know, after all that I've experienced since I tried growing the herbs in my other apartment.  It could be either one - I don't put it past them to go into people's houses and give them drugs.

I think that some of it is a reaction to messing with my dental fillings.  I felt really weird at first whenever I got the fillings originally, so I could have released more of the bisphenol-A and other chemicals when I tried digging into it.

Today they want me to say that I'm a type Five.  I won't write it on my other page yet, but we are 'trying it on' for a few days.  Ever since I wrote that I was a type Four, I started hearing voices telling me I was a Five.  Since they won't let me think a single thought or perform any mental processes at all without zapping me, I can't see myself well enough or understand anything enough to decide what type I am.  I took the test a few times, and it gives you a couple different possible results, and they listed both Four and Five as possibilities. I was going to go take it again, but I see that it has a lot of questions and it will take a while.

Now that I am reading about Fives again, I have to start all over trying to decide what my instincts are.

It looks like I keep changing my type on purpose, to deceive people or annoy them, to mislead them, but that's not what I'm doing.  I really can't help it.  I have been reading about this for several years now and they just won't let me look into myself to understand anything:  that was one of the things that got destroyed when the attacks began, the ability to look inside myself and ask questions and understand myself.  So I really, actually cannot figure out what type I am, because I am being physically attacked whenever I try to use my brain.  And it probably seems obvious to everyone else.

This morning they were asking me about maybe buying a dental drill, making my own drill, or modifying a hand-cranked drill that I could buy at the store.  My mechanical skills are weak and they always have been.  I am better at people skills.  Whenever I first got the fillings and tried to ask the dentist to remove them for me, I was planning on writing a letter to him and trying to get him to help me take them out - I was going to have a conversation, ask him why he didn't want to do it, find out what he was afraid of, and try to persuade him.

But they decided that he was evil incarnate and that I absolutely must not have any further contact with him, and they wouldn't let me pay the bill to him either.  They wouldn't let me talk to him anymore or write a letter or try to negotiate anything.  I wasn't planning on trying to do mechanical things, I didn't want to - I wanted to just get a dentist to do it.

It's very hard to tell the truth right now, because of this feeling of emotional numbness and the fact that I am always a puppet who says only the words that they force me to say - I am incapable of speaking the truth of my own words.  I am not trying to tell lies on purpose.  I am saying what they force me to say.

It's hard to convey just how completely controlled I have been, and how totally fake all of my personality has been, since the attacks began.  It's true, I had been experiencing some types of attacks for years, for most of my life, but the TOTAL control, the total puppeteering phenomenon, is more recent and began in 2004.  The constant, 24/7 control with not a single moment of thinking my own thoughts without getting zapped - that's only since 2004.  All of the words that I write, all the thoughts I think and the feelings I feel, are fake.

The people controlling me are doing it very badly, which is obvious when you look at the hell that I have been living in.  They deny that the drug residues are real, and so they won't let me follow my own rules or deal with the drug residues my own way - they don't take it seriously.  They just declare me 'delusional' and try to force me out of bed and make me get to work every day.  They think that that's all I'm capable of, because I'm 'delusional,' or as they called it this morning, a 'malfunctioning avatar.'  (Yes, I've seen that movie.)  I keep trying to tell them, over and over and over, that nothing is going to get any better unless they take the drug residues seriously, and respect my methods of dealing with them.

This morning, while telling me I was a Five, they were asking me questions about why I do things a certain way - why I do this, why don't I do that.  The whisper-bombardment wouldn't let me answer - it started answering for me, instead of letting me use my insight to answer from within.  It gave me 'canned' words and phrases straight out of the enneagram book, like 'overwhelmed' - it started bombarding me with that word.  Every time any little thing went wrong, they started putting the word 'overwhelmed' into my head.

I can't even describe to you how completely they have destroyed and wiped out my existence, constantly.  It is every second of every minute of every hour of every day, fake words being spoken, fake thoughts and feelings, fake motives and ideas and sensations.  And they think it's okay to do this, because I don't show my feelings - I don't openly show them that I'm sad or angry, I don't react strongly, so they think it's okay to just torture this person out of existence, burn this person's skin and muscles and joints until she is forced to get up out of bed (after they forcibly prevent me from sleeping, then force me asleep for a very short time, during which all of my dreams are controlled, and then they force me awake, so that I am constantly deprived of real sleep), because I'm not crying or getting upset about it.  They think that I just don't have any feelings.

However, some of the voices that I hear are actually nice to me.  And we are looking at it this way:

There are seven billion people on earth.  And I've read some good authors over the years, authors who convinced me that they themselves sincerely value real freedom.  There are libertarians, anarchists, and objectivists who really do want to have freedom, externally and internally, even at their own risk.

(The voices always tell me that they are trying to protect me from danger, and that I might have died many times if they hadn't warned me about things - (I hate being forced to write their words) - but they themselves did a lot of things that prevented me from taking care of myself or things that put me at risk, and they could have used other methods of warning me about dangers, instead of putting words into my head or controlling me.)

I know that there are people in the world, not just authors I have read, but people around me, people nearby and far away, a minority of people who believe in real freedom at our own risk, freedom with responsibility.  The libertarians know about freedom from government, but they do not explicitly talk about freedom from mind control - not yet, anyway.  But there are real libertarians that I could talk to who at least understand the overall idea of real freedom, and not some illusion of freedom or nanny-state 'freedom' where we are actually being controlled.

Anyway the idea is that there is hope that I will be understood, because somebody out there agrees with me that my mind should be free.  So I am going to look for the people who sincerely believe in free will, and I know those people exist.

At-Home Dental Filling Removal Takes A Long, Long Time

Today I worked on the canine tooth filling for the first time.  I bought the drill bits months and months ago, but haven't used them yet.  I am holding the drill bit in my hand and just scraping it against the dental filling instead of using an electric drill.

Why?

In 2008 I went to the dentist to get him to take out my silver-mercury amalgam filling in the molar, and replace it with a plastic one.  He did that, and he also filled a second cavity in my canine tooth.  I wish I hadn't done the canine tooth - I didn't even know I had a cavity there, and now that I know what I know, I am confident enough to leave cavities alone and heal them by changing my diet.

I am testing this, and I notice that some of my teeth on the left side are painful when I'm eating a bad diet, and the pain goes away when I'm eating healthy foods.  After a week of eating healthier foods, I already notice that I can eat sweets with the painful teeth on the left side, and the pain is gone.  I've had those slightly painful teeth there for a long time, but the dentist didn't see any cavities there.  Teeth don't completely heal themselves, but they do absorb minerals from the saliva (according to Weston Price).  The dentist himself told me that teeth try to remineralize, but he acted like this was insignificant and like it could not possibly heal a cavity.

Teeth can absorb minerals into demineralized areas.  They can also close off the pulp chamber, the inner part of the tooth, by forming new secondary dentin between the pulp and the outside, if the tooth is worn down or decayed close to the root.  But it can only do this if you are eating a healthy diet. Cavities will stop decaying and stop hurting, but they will not fully grow back the part of the tooth that has been destroyed.

Back when I got those two plastic fillings, I didn't know for sure that self-healing cavities were real.  I had read about it but wasn't sure I believed it.  However, I've experienced changes in my tooth pain, as I said above.  After studying and reading about this, I believe it now.  But I had the canine cavity filled because back then, I wasn't sure whether it really could fix itself.

So anyway, after I got those fillings, I had terrible headaches for a couple days, and then extreme mood swings, as though I had really, really bad PMS.  I was crying and irritable and angry, arguing with my co-workers.  They probably didn't notice, because I didn't actually cry at work, but I noticed it myself.  Then I started having terrible breast pain.  I had breast pain like that when I was a teenager and I had a plastic retainer in my mouth after my braces were taken off.  When I was done with the retainer, the breast pain went away and never came back... until I got the new plastic fillings.  Now I have it all the time, a little bit, and it gets worse if I have any St. John's Wort.  St. John's Wort never gave me breast pain before, but now every time I am exposed to SJW at all I get the pain for a day or two.

Not only that, but the right side of my face is always a little bit swollen now.  Often, the right sinus is closed, but the left sinus is still open and I can breathe through it.  Something at McDonald's triggered my face to get swollen really badly one night - although I saw some other guy with a similar swollen eye, so it might have been a contagious virus - and the next day my right eye was all swollen shut.  The swelling seems to happen whenever I handle lots and lots of french fries.  It happened after a night of working at College Avenue where all I did was french fries for the entire night.  You have to touch a lot of french fry grease and salt, and it goes through your skin.  The salt contains iodine, so it could be excessive iodine causing the problem, or the salt itself, or some other additive in the salt, or the grease - I can't tell which thing causes the problem. Every time I handle lots of french fries, my face is swollen the next morning, but it's worst on the right side where the fillings are.

(Salt additives are horrible.  I'm used to eating sea salt because it doesn't have additives.  But at Peter's house one night, I tasted a pinch of his regular table salt, and it was all bitter and disgusting because of the anticaking agents.  I researched them and found out that in the USA, we're lucky:  our salt contains sodium aluminosilicate.  That's bad, but not as bad as European table salt.  European table salt contains sodium ferrocyanide.  When sodium ferrocyanide reacts with acid, such as the hydrochloric acid in your stomach, it releases cyanide gas.  Normal people might tolerate this, but a chemical sensitive person would have a hard time with it.  Iodine is another additive that can be a problem.  It's supposed to help people prevent cretinism in areas where the soil contains very little iodine, but you can also get too much iodine, especially when you have large amounts of iodized salt from all different sources in your food.  You have to be allowed to choose whether or not you want salt that contains iodine.  So I choose sea salt.)

I also have to mention that I have had more problems with erectile tissue dysfunction.  This would be more noticeable in men than in women.  If you get new plastic dental fillings and suddenly have erectile dysfunction, the fillings are what caused it.  Peter temporarily had a plastic catheter inserted into his chest for dialysis, and during that time period, he had erectile dysfunction very badly and it got much better after the catheter was taken out.  ED is very common and people need to know what's causing it instead of just taking another pill for it.  It's caused by drugs and plastic and other things.  Supposedly it can also be caused by high blood pressure, but I would want to know what caused the high blood pressure in the first place.  So I noticed this symptom happening a lot more after getting those dental fillings.

I won't know for sure until they are completely removed from my mouth and all traces of the plastic taken out of the tooth.  It will be difficult to get every last bit of plastic out.  I will have to scrape the edges of the cavity holes even if it slightly wears down my real tooth dentin.

I want to remove the fillings completely before having children.  Bisphenol-A is said to cause deformities in babies, such as genital abnormalities.  I don't want to know what else it might do.  I just want to get rid of the fillings.  I will sacrifice my own two teeth for the babies.  There are only two filled cavities in my mouth - I am very lucky.  I would not want to be someone who has cavities filled in every tooth and then decides that bisphenol-A is giving them a bad reaction and they want all their fillings taken out.

When I feel any hesitation about this, I think about being pregnant, and how badly the fillings affect my own body - so what would they do to a developing embryo?  BPA might permanently change the baby's entire body in ways that could never be undone.  I can sacrifice two teeth to prevent that.

So I am using this diamond burr drill bit which was meant for arts and crafts use.  It's small enough to fit.  It's part of a set of differently shaped bits.  I bought them on the internet.

This is only experimental, and I'm learning.  I spent about an hour gently scraping at the canine tooth filling.  I am using a lighted dental mirror.  It has this weird purple glow.  It's not very bright.  It's hard to see the difference between the tooth-colored filling and the tooth itself, but I can see it if I look from the right angle.  So far, all I've done is made the dental filling's outer surface a little bit rougher, so that I can feel the roughness with my tongue.

I am trying not to spread the pulverized dental filling around in my mouth.  I've been trying to dab the tooth with a bit of sugarfree chewing gum, hoping to stick the particles of the filling to the gum.  But the gum is not very sticky.  I was dismayed when I went shopping for gum and I read on the front of one of the packages that it was specifically designed NOT to stick to your dental fillings!  I have spread a little bit of pulverized material in my mouth - I felt a sharp tiny splinter on my tongue, and I feel a strange stinging sensation on that side of my mouth.

I kept hitting the full-length mirror with the handle of the dental mirror - they bumped into each other, and the full-length mirror kept swinging back and forth because of the way I have it hung up.  It's only hung up on a string hooked over a hook on the door, so it won't stay still.  So I was trying to watch what I was doing, on the back of my tooth, in this eerie purple light, while the mirror kept getting bumped and swinging back and forth.  And everything is backwards in the mirror.  So when I moved the drill bit, it did the opposite of what I thought I was doing.  It was hardest for me to figure out forwards and backwards, towards and away from me.  I have to put it at the proper angle and then gently scrape, while also paying attention to the noise of the scraping so that I know I'm scraping filling instead of real tooth enamel.

A couple times, I looked at the drill bit and saw some white stuff on it that had been scraped off.  But I am doing it very slowly and carefully, so there was hardly anything at all.

I asked the dentist if he would remove my fillings and leave nothing, just empty unfilled cavities.  He told me he couldn't do that because that would be unethical.  I didn't say this out loud, but I thought:  So it's unethical to remove a poisonous substance from someone's mouth, but it's ethical to put poisonous substances in there in the first place?  He doesn't have faith in teeth's ability to heal themselves, because he hasn't been taught about proper nutrition.  Dentists believe that toothbrushing is the only way to prevent cavities.  In primitive societies where they don't have sugar and flour, they also don't brush their teeth at all, and they have zero cavities.  I haven't been brushing my teeth at all, as an experiment, and there is one thing that does happen:  I am noticing some swollen gums that bleed easily, so it seems to be true that plaque causes gingivitis.  But plaque does not cause cavities.  And I haven't switched to a completely healthy diet.  I am only eating a 'slightly better diet' compared to the way I had been eating.  So hopefully the swollen gums will go away if I keep improving my diet.

I am going to try dyeing the tooth filling with red food coloring to see if it will be visible in contrast to the tooth enamel.  Old fillings from years ago were able to get stained by certain foods, but the newer fillings are designed to not stain easily.  So I expect that this won't work.  But I will try.

Anyway, no real progress, just practice, and a slightly roughened outer surface of the filling.  That's all.

the 'Nice Dreadlocks' incident

I have done this several times in the past and I haven't yet learned to stop doing it.  Every once in a while, I get approached by a total stranger for something random.  An incident like this happens every few years, or maybe about once a year.  Trying to be 'nice' and 'friendly,' I tolerate this stranger talking to me, and they ask for my phone number and try to get me to go out on a date, but I already know that I'm not attracted to them.  There were times in the past when I remembered my assertiveness training and was able to say no, but many other times, I have let myself be vulnerable and I am lucky nothing bad ever happened.

So, here is the incident.  I was walking around Bellefonte because I am practicing eating in restaurants.  I haven't eaten in restaurants for years.  My stomach problems began in 1999, and when that started, I began having a hard time swallowing food, especially if it was hot food that was sitting around for too long, like something on a buffet.  I became hypersensitive to food quality, especially fats.

Anyway, now that I'm not drinking any coffee, I'm trying to eat in restaurants again, because I've noticed that drinking coffee usually makes the stomach problems worse.  So I've gone to a few different restaurants now, and I'm able to eat there relatively well.

So I was coming out of a restaurant in Bellefonte and a guy on the sidewalk complimented me on my dreadlocks.  Then he started talking with me and asking me if I was dating anyone and if I wanted to be with him.  Another girl was with him, but she said she was only a friend.  The three of us walked along, as I was going back to my car.  Then the girl went home and the guy walked to my car with me.  He asked for a ride up to a different street, and I took him up there and dropped him off.  I am ashamed to even admit that I did that, but I did.

I ended up giving him my phone number.  I haven't practiced my assertiveness training in such a long time, I was weak.  I knew I didn't want to get into a relationship with this person.  I am not going out with random strangers.  Instead I am trying to meet a focused group of people who are interested in certain subjects, and if I am trying to date anyone, it's someone who I have known for a while, not a random stranger.

So he rang my cell phone before I had even gotten home to my apartment.  I was still driving, and the phone was connected to a string on my belt loop.  The string is too short, and I need to get another string that's longer, because it's not quite long enough to reach my ear while being hooked to the belt loop.  So I couldn't answer the phone.  I just kept driving and then got out and went home.

Then I wanted to go to sleep because I had to go to work that night.  But after I laid down to sleep, the phone started ringing repeatedly, both the cell phone and the landline phone.  He left a couple messages.  Then, he also gave my number to a friend of his, apparently telling this guy that I was 1. a prostitute, or 2. a nice lady who wants to date random strangers.  So this friend of his gave me a couple calls, too.  I had something like 7 or 8 different phone calls by the end of that evening, maybe more than that.  It might have even been about 10 calls.

I never answered the phone but instead turned off the ringer and tried to sleep.

Every time something like this happens, I get frustrated with myself for being weak and not protecting myself.  In the past, I was able to harshly reject people whenever it was necessary - I practiced the assertiveness training and I was able to coldly say no to people instead of being nice.  Maybe then I should read assertiveness training books again, after I finish Harry Potter - no joke, I probably will look around for those books again, to at least refresh my memory.

Harvey Putter and the Ridiculous Premise

I'm not making this up. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1161421/

"Celebrity teen wizard Harvey Putter and his friends learn that they are merely characters in a best-selling book and must magically escape their world before the final chapter."

I think I'll go see it.  It's supposed to be out in July.

Why am I stuck in the Harry Potter phase right now?  A couple of reasons...  I decided to read all of the books again from the beginning, for the second time.  So I have been doing that without actually buying the books, just sitting and reading them at Barnes & Noble.  Since I can only read a few books at a time, it's been nothing but Harry Potter for a while now.

I also have them on video, and again, I only have a small number of videos, and I try to avoid buying lots of them.  I don't like having lots of clutter, and also, with the chemical sensitivity and contamination problems, I don't like to buy lots of 'stuff' to have sitting around the house getting ruined.  I've had to throw so many things away, I'm reluctant to buy anything.  But I'm more likely to buy something if it's part of a series and I have other videos from that same series.

I'll probably read the 'His Dark Materials' books sometime, but not necessarily right now.  I don't know what I'll read next.  It might be something random.

quitting coffee improved some symptoms; texting again; 'consent' and 'self-motivation'

This is another hasty draft, not really finished.  I am publishing it as is, for now.  I started on it yesterday and wrote a few more things today.

****

I had wondered whether quitting coffee would help with my menstrual cramping, and it did.  I haven't taken any ibuprofen at all, but only had about an hour of relatively mild cramping compared to the several hours of unbearable agony that I usually get if I don't take ibuprofen, or take it too late after the cramps have already started.

How did I quit coffee?  I've wanted to quit it for a long time now, and all of a sudden, I did.  Several things caused this to happen.  First, the bad smell and the anxiety attacks ('evil spirits') from the bone marrow and its vapors made me move my sleeping place from the living room to the bedroom.  I liked the living room - it's less noisy, being farther from the road.  But I moved into the bedroom instead to shut the door and block out the bone marrow smell.  (That smell is mostly cleaned up now.)

However, the bedroom air was moldy.  There was an access panel in the closet and I found out that the mold came out of the cracks around it.  I've known that for a long time.  So I used packaging tape to tape shut all the cracks around the access panel door.  The moldy air stopped coming out.  Suddenly, I was a lot less exhausted than before, after only one day of blocking off the moldy air.  I usually kept that door partway shut, but not all the way shut, and so, some of the moldy air must have been coming out into the rest of the house.  But now it was almost totally gone.  So I'm less tired, and I need less coffee.  I was able to quit again.

Also, I'm working fewer hours.  Coffee is my painkiller that lets me work long hours without stopping.  I don't need it if I'm working less.

So that's an unexpected blessing.  It's like the opposite of 'out of the frying pan, into the fire.'  I had bone marrow vapors in the living room, so I moved into the bedroom, where there was moldy air that was just as bad or worse, except I fixed it, and then suddenly everything in general got much better.

I think my 'precancerous areas' got irritated because the bone marrow made me clench my teeth extremely hard for hours and hours, which made my plastic dental fillings 'bleed.'  It was exactly the same as after I just got the fillings - severe breast pain from bisphenol-A.  It's going away now.  But the spots on my face, I didn't notice whether or not they got irritated whenever I first got the fillings.  Those are little red areas that look a lot like something my dad has, which he said is called 'basal cell carcinoma,' so that's why I call them that.  It's a nonlethal skin cancer, and mine isn't as bad as his, and they might be described as precancerous.  They all got red, itchy, and swollen, and someone commented to me that my face was breaking out in pimples, but I had to explain that they weren't pimples.

***

Okay, totally different topic.  I have been getting hit with a drug which feels like an antidepressant or anti-anxiety drug lately.  It started after visiting the clinic about my chest pains so that I could get a doctor's excuse for work.  (Still waiting - I have to go back and do more paperwork.  I haven't been examined yet.)  I felt a transdermal reaction while I sat at her desk - someone with drugs on their skin had been sitting in that same chair, leaning their arm on that table, and I was feeling it on my skin (I already wrote about it a few blogs ago).  As usual, I tried washing those clothes, and it seemed to spread around, but I was expecting that, and I just had to try anyway.

So I've gotten some clean new clothes now (Goodwill, $0.29 each as usual) and hopefully this will soon fix the drug reaction.

However, during one of my 'compliant' time periods, while feeling the drug, I 'agreed' to go along with something 'they' keep suggesting:  talk to this particular guy that I like.  I've been talking with 'them' and trying to explain the idea of 'consent' and 'internal motivation' or 'self-motivation' which I will have to describe here if I get a chance and don't forget to talk about it.  (Lots of quotation marks in that paragraph.)

So I texted him and asked if there was a good time I could call him the next day.  This is supposed to be not too strange, because, according to the rationale, there was another girl who worked with us, and he had been texting with her, too, and he calls and texts other people besides me - in other words, a variety of different people are friends with him, so, theoretically, I could also be friends with him.  This rationale sounds kind of laughable when I explain it that way, but oh well.  I'm saying, hey, I'm just another person like everybody else.

Anyway, he asked me what I wanted to call him about, so I painstakingly, laboriously texted back a long message, which took a few minutes to write (yeah, that's me, I can't ever just say something in a couple words, it's always a two or three page text message).  I explained that I needed to settle my mind about some things and wanted to talk about whether we could do things together and be friends outside of work.

So, this one didn't get a reply.  But I texted back, said I would be back later, and I went out to Barnes & Noble for a while which is my official Tuesday evening place to be (7-8 PM) for things having to do with my religious order and with people who want to talk about electronic mind control or any other things from the advertisement.  I think the ad has probably expired, and I need to run it again, and I was also going to do some things on paper.  Anyway, I don't actually meet anybody yet - this is only a 'practice' phase.  I just go to a certain place at a certain time, routinely, which is helpful for people who are having their emails and phone calls intercepted and never know whether they'll be able to reach someone or not.

That's relevant, because, after I got home, I texted the guy again and explained something else.  Still no answer.

So a couple of troubleshooting questions go through my head.  I always ask these questions, by default, because problems can have mundane causes, or else they can be caused by hackers and puppeteers and other types of attacks.

1. letters are getting hacked/intercepted.

2. he himself chose not to reply, because of his own real feelings and choices.  If it's this one, then I have a little bit of control over the situation, because I can change the words I say, or I can change how I say them, or I can try again to talk to him at a different time when he's in a different mood.  This is a 'real world' situation that doesn't result from being attacked.

3. he couldn't reply, because he was attacked and forcibly prevented from replying.  This happens if someone 'freezes' you, if they make you unable to speak or express yourself, and it can happen naturally in the real world (fear, shyness, distrust, etc), or it can be caused by an attacker, and you don't know for sure which it is.

4. some interruption occurred which distracted him and he had to leave.

I always assume it's something like that which has caused someone to be unable to reply.  But afterwards, I get bombarded with 'voices' telling me that I was being too needy, and so on, and I know by know that whatever they're saying is a crock of sh*t.  In fact, I can actually argue about this using references, now, because I've been watching a video at McDonald's, on their computer downstairs, which is called 'Building Trust and Earning Respect.'  I actually like the video.  It's only a little bit cheesy, but of course, you would expect that.  It's a serious training video, and in fact, maybe not 'cheesy' at all.

So I'm making a reference to this video.  One thing they talk about is how to criticize someone properly.  You don't just say, 'You're being too needy.'  That doesn't give them any detail about exactly what they did or didn't do, and it doesn't tell them what actions they need to take to fix it.  It just makes them feel ashamed, embarrassed, and worthless.  (I've always loved reading books about communication skills, ever since I picked up 'When I Say No I Feel Guilty' at age 13 or so.)  Anyway, 'poor communication skills' almost always describes the people who are attacking me, or lousy people skills.  Their way of doing things is, 'If she doesn't obey immediately, torture her for hours without explaining why.'  The end.  That's the button-pushers for you.  I think every other electronic harassment victim would say the same thing.

So I ignored the voices telling me 'you're being too needy,' and persisted with my assumptions listed above.  Those are always my default assumptions, whether I'm being too needy or not.  'Being too needy' is included in item #2, where somebody's reaction might have been triggered by something you said or how you said it.  But I wouldn't use the phrase 'being too needy,' ever.

I don't know what he experienced on his end of the texting.  Maybe he wondered whether it was really me, because I have informed him that I have hackers messing with my emails.  He might think somebody else got in there and is playing a joke on him.  But no, it's me, and I'm not joking.

It was triggered by a chemical sensitivity incident - drugs on my skin - and, from everyone else's point of view in the mainstream world, it would look as though 'Nicole is having an unexplained mood swing.'  From their point of view, I'm just in a strange mood and nobody can explain why.  From my point of view, it's a mood swing caused by transdermal exposure to microdosages of psychiatric drug residues that I picked up in a doctor's office.  Either way, I suddenly got in the mood to send him a text message to try again to initiate a better connection between us.  All we have right now are the brief moments we can spend talking to each other at work, while knowing we'll get in trouble because we're supposed to be working and not chatting.

One of the reasons 'they' suddenly pushed urgently for me to talk to him again is because 'somebody else,' who knows who, decided that I would write some more ads on paper the other day.  One ad was asking people about things that they experience during meditation or prayer.  Another unfinished ad was about long hair, and I fought with them as they were making me write that ad.  I was agreeable whenever 'we' wrote the meditation-prayer advertisement, but the long hair advertisement was risky.  I am sure that it is just going to get people who... argh, this is a long subject and I only have a few minutes until I have to log out and log back in again.  And I can obsess about the subject of long hair for hours, so I need to be careful what I get started on.  Okay, making a long story short, I was afraid that the advertisement would attract people who weren't serious enough or committed to actually growing long hair with me.  It was more likely to attract men who were interested in dating women who have long hair - that was my concern.  So I fought with them about that ad, and it isn't finished.

After 'we' wrote those ads, I woke up the next morning with somebody urging me to go try to connect with this guy first, before putting out ads, because the ads would attract more people into my life and supposedly I would forget about this guy.  I don't think it will happen that quickly or easily, especially if I can write the ads very clearly to explain exactly what I want and what I am trying to do, which will greatly limit the number of responses I get.  I am trying to limit responses , so I only get a very small number of people who are really serious.

*****

Consent:

1. Real consent is not possible when the method of communication is to project voices into someone's head, or zap them with something that makes them feel like they have to get up and move, without permission.  Most of the time, the people attacking me just burn me with something painful and try to force me to get up out of bed.  There are better ways to get me to do things than that.

2. Still there is something 'resembling' consent.  There can be more or less willingness, more or less agreement.

Internal Motivation:

1. Strong internal motivation, self-motivation, is no longer possible for me to do, because of the constant attacks depleting mental resources, probably depleting a physical hormone or nutrient as well - read about electrosensitivity to see more details about what it does to you when you are constantly bombarded with electromagnetic fields.

(I assume the attacks are not only electromagnetic attacks, but also sonic attacks.  Constantly being attacked with loud noises and other things is harmful in terms of the constant stimulation.  I am like the lion in the cage at the zoo, where people are constantly walking by and talking and looking and poking sticks through the bars of the cage at it while it's trying to sleep - that's my life.  So it's not just electrosensitivity, it's also the exhaustion that results from constant noise, stress, and interaction with an introverted person who needs a quiet place to withdraw and recover.)

2.  They justify their attacks by saying 'She would never do anything at all unless we forced her.'  This is a lie.  I used to do things myself all the time before the constant attacks began.  They say that I simply don't have any internal motivation at all, ever, even if I'm sleeping perfectly fine and I'm not being attacked constantly.  They tell me that all I would ever do is sleep and lie around reading books and playing video games.

I know this is not true because I used to enjoy reading self-help books and trying to do the exercises in them.  I used to read Nathaniel Branden's Six Pillars of Self-Esteem.  I had to stop reading self-help books when the severe attacks began, because the murderers knew everything I was reading and would use it against me.  If I had some kind of 'rule' to follow in the self-help books, then they would constantly attack me and criticize me 24 hours a day for the tiniest details of every conversation and every little thing I did, if I even slightly broke the rule.  They didn't know how to judge when it was really important and high-priority to follow the rule, versus when it didn't matter very much, and they would remind me about the rule so often that I couldn't even focus on the conversation I was having.  Constant criticism was the result if I ever found a rule to follow and tried to follow it.  You had to instantly be absolutely perfect in following this rule, instead of using your own judgment to decide when you should worry about it and when you shouldn't.

'The Real World':  I use that phrase now and then.  There are a couple things that I do NOT mean when I use that phrase.  I do NOT mean that I live inside a Truman Show fake world where everybody's a paid actor and they're all against me, while the real world is somewhere outside the bubble I'm living in.  I also do NOT mean that I'm living in a Matrix where everything I see around me is nothing but a computer-generated image inside my brain.

I assume that the material world around me is real.  I assume that when you die, you're really dead forever and there's nothing after that.  I assume that all of the people around me are ordinary, innocent people, and if they ever seem to know things they couldn't possibly know, I assume that they are puppets being forced to say things - I assume 'everybody's a puppet' instead of 'everybody's against me.'  Everyone is vulnerable to being controlled and forced to do things and say things, because the attacks do not require physical chips to be implanted in your body - you can control someone just by aiming a device at them from a distance away.  I don't know enough technical details to know how far away you can be - I only know what I've read on other websites about electronic harassment.

***unfinished notes***

described what it was like when the severe attacks began in 2004.  what it was like before that:  i still heard voices, but i was able to sleep at night.  however, there were still some attacks that were doing harm, even years ago.  so this is debatable as to when the attacks really began and how bad they were.

i remember what i felt when the severe attacks began:  1. social exhaustion from constant interaction and being unable to withdraw, and 2. making me unable to foretell the future.  i used to foretell the future by projecting a 'tangent' from the point where i am now.  what i mean is, i would ask, 'what would the future be like if i just continue to do everything i'm doing now?'  then i'd see how bad things would become unless i took action to solve the problem.  that's how i used to motivate myself internally - by foretelling what the future would be if i didn't do something about it now.  they took that away from me, so that if i try to look into the future at all, they zap me.  (they were asking me about my math classes, and that's how we got to be talking about tangents.  tangents are something from trigonometry.)

process of 'something resembling consent' which technically is NOT real consent because of the communication method being used:  establish rapport:  you are a real person out in the real world, and not just an imaginary persona inside their mind.  you acknowledge the reality of this situation:  they really are the victim of attacks, and they really are physically sick.  as a result of those two things, they are unable to do the things that they normally would have been able to do in the real world.

('good cop bad cop' - i often feel that they're all on the same team, and the people being nice to me are connected to the very people who are doing the worst damage to me.)

then you ask if they agree or disagree with these things.  sick for real?  yes.  being attacked?  yes.  unable to do what i'd normally do, as a result of both sickness and attacks?  yes.

some of them just jump to the 'total control' part instead of carefully gaining consent bit by bit to do small things.  they want to control every single word you write, for instance, even though writing isn't one of the things that has become difficult for you, or at least, not as difficult as physical labor.  however, it's true that focused, deep, insightful, purposeful, audience-directed writing is impossible nowadays.

people with dental fillings and mercury poisoning, or using certain drugs or going into withdrawal, will be extremely hostile to any interaction at all.  and again, i say this is justified, because it's a violation of human rights to put voices in people's heads or use electronic methods to control them, so there's nothing wrong with being hostile towards people who really are committing a crime against you.  again, it's NOT REAL CONSENT:  this is, and should be, illegal, except that the government doesn't acknowledge it exists.  interacting with them at all using those methods, and trying to force them to do anything at all, is already a violation of their rights, so you should EXPECT them to be LEGITIMATELY, JUSTIFIABLY hostile towards you.

this is to explain that there are better and worse ways of doing things.  i think one of the most destructive people attacking me is a rejected lesbian female, and since she already knows she's rejected and there's no hope, she's being more cruel than all the male attackers combined.  i tolerate male attackers much better than i tolerate lesbian female attackers.  lesbian images were one of the things that they attacked me with the most, in the beginning, in the nightmares.

***

consent was NOT given during the emails in which i was forced to write that i 'enjoyed' having someone hacking my computer and reading my mind.  being forced against your will to say 'yes', at a time when you don't know that mind control even exists, DOES NOT constitute consent.

Alternative Medicine; Hearing Voices

***I wrote this draft a few days ago and didn't finish it or publish it.  I don't really remember all of what I wanted to say, so I'll just try to wrap it up and send it out.  It's still not really finished.***

I was thinking about how ancient people were able to discover the internal organs and figure out what they did. Growing up, I was taught in school that ancient people were much stupider than modern people, and all of their beliefs were ridiculous superstitions, and that we should have contempt for them. Ha ha, they used to believe that evil spirits cause disease, but we modern people are much smarter now and we don't believe such things.

After experiencing hormone-like vapors coming from cooked bone marrow, I can understand how they would believe that bones (or dead bodies in general) have spirits lingering near them, and not only that, they DO cause diseases, at least some types of diseases.

Ancient people could have studied the organs by doing what I did: eating them. There is a belief, and in school they told me that this was one of those dumb superstitions, that if you eat some particular body part of an animal, you will gain the attributes of that body part. This is seen as a contemptible, stupid, ignorant belief, and I think that it's even a logical fallacy listed with its own official name, in the lists of logical fallacies to avoid. I forget what the name is, but it's portrayed as a fallacious belief.

It turns out it's actually true. The body parts that people are eating, in Traditional Chinese Medicine and other types of non-western medicine, contain hormones and other substances - I don't know what substances, but they could be called 'biomolecules' because I think I've seen that word used. Anything that has some kind of effect in the body.

I don't agree with Traditional Chinese Medicine, by the way - a lot of the things that I've read are actually similar to Western Medicine in a certain way: they are 'active' or 'additive' treatments instead of 'passive' or 'subtractive' treatments. Here's what I mean. If you have a problem, they tell you that you need to do something about it by taking some kind of drug or other substance. If you have symptoms or some kind of discomfort, no matter how minor or trivial, you should immediately treat it or soothe it by taking some kind of drug. You're doing something active, and adding a new substance to the body, something that wasn't there before. You can just keep piling on more and more drugs, one after another, to compensate for the effects of the other drugs. TCM has these very complicated explanations for which types of drugs should be mixed together into your final potion, but you can bet it's going to be a large number of different substances, instead of a small number. There will be ten or fifteen different ingredients instead of just one or two.

I like the Feingold Diet. When I was a child, I was extremely hyperactive, and my parents saw the Feingold Diet mentioned on a talk show on TV, so they tried it. It worked so well that I slept through the night without getting up and walking around and screaming and fighting and trying to push the bedroom door open while they tried to push it shut - and this was only the FIRST NIGHT of using the diet. The Feingold Diet is a 'subtractive' treatment. It tries to take away substances that are causing problems for you.

It's still not the same as treating the 'cause.' Food chemicals are 'triggers' for your symptoms, not causes. You have a pre-existing problem, some kind of weakness that makes your body unable to metabolize lots of chemicals (some manmade, and some natural chemicals), and when you eat those chemicals, it triggers symptoms. I was going to say that it only happens to the people who have this problem, this difficulty metabolizing chemicals, but actually, studies have been done that show everybody has problems, not just the kids who are usually hyperactive - even 'normal' people will have symptoms if they eat a large amount of artificial food colors and other chemicals.

I don't know why some people are born with difficulty metabolizing certain chemicals. That would be the 'cause.' It isn't necessarily genetic - it might be another one of those preventable deformities that Weston Price talks about. It might also be made worse by vaccinations.

Anyway the idea is that this diet tries to take away the things that are triggering your symptoms. Since I knew about that diet, I tend to always see things from that point of view. If you have a problem, you shouldn't just ADD a bunch of new drugs to treat it. Instead you should try to take away whatever is triggering the symptoms.

I also don't use antacids or any over-the-counter medicines, and I never have. I only use ibuprofen sometimes for menstrual cramps. (Hopefully, that won't happen anymore now that I've quit coffee - I just recently stopped drinking coffee again, and the few times I've quit in the past, my menstrual cramps were greatly improved.) Antacids destroy the acid in your stomach, and when that acid is gone, you become vulnerable to infections from Helicobacter Pylori, a bacteria that causes stomach ulcers. (This is my theory. I didn't officially read this someplace.)

So taking antacids CAUSES stomach ulcers. The more antacids you take, the worse your ulcers get. I had an experience where (after going most of my life never using antacids, and not knowing how they would feel) I was sick at my stomach at work one day, while working at a temp job, and a co-worker offered me an antacid. I decided to try it. After using it, my stomach felt much worse than before - it was burning and it felt like it was full of ulcers. Before I took the antacid, my stomach had felt much better. The burning ulcer-like feeling lasted a while, like several days. If I believed that I ought to take more antacids to treat the ulcers, I would have become one of those people who eats an entire roll of antacids several times a day while struggling to treat their stomach ulcers, and no matter how much you take, the ulcers get worse. To treat ulcers, you must STOP TAKING ANTACIDS.

I would also recommend for people to stop drinking tap water. Tap water makes my stomach burn, and it also gives me an itchy, slimy throat, and herpes-like sores and blisters on my tongue and everywhere in my mouth, and runny nose and sinus problems. I never get head colds anymore, ever since I 1. stopped drinking tap water, and 2. stopped eating anything that contains synthetic vitamins. Synthetic vitamins trigger a histamine response, because I think, if I recall correctly, some of the chemicals in them actually contain histamine, or they break down and form histamine, or something. Histamine is the allergy-triggering chemical. If you have allergies, STOP TAKING VITAMINS. There are people who take more and more vitamins, hoping to treat their allergies. This is the exact opposite of what you should do. As for tap water, I'm not sure what the problem is. It might be copper from the copper pipes, it might be fungus or bacterial slime lining the insides of the water pipes, where nobody can reach it to clean it out, or it might be something that didn't get filtered out of the water when the water was treated, or it might be chlorine or other chemicals added to the water.

Anyway, I had been saying that ancient people could discover more about organs by eating them, and then seeing what sensations they caused.  Now that I've eaten bone marrow, I recognize the sensation of my own bones emitting some kind of hormone.  It's a stinging, burning sensation that comes from the joints.

The attackers frequently trigger those sensations to try to make me get up and move and go do something, and they associate some kind of 'thought' or 'idea' with the 'get up and move' sensation.

You wouldn't eat a large amount of it.  I am getting the impression that some of these things are so dangerous, you should never eat them at all - that is what the voices are telling me.  But after eating a hormone (if you can't inhale it or let it go through the skin) you would recognize the sensation of that hormone acting in your own body afterwards, and you could observe where it came from and what feelings were associated with it.  And again, I'm not recommending we do this, not after my experiences.  But I believe in observing every tiny detail of the sensations you feel in your body.  (They won't let me do it - they were zapping me while I tried to observe myself last night, and every other time I've tried.)