Last night I didn't get to go to B&N because I chose to go to work to substitute for someone else. I don't usually do that, but this week I did it partly because I've just started back at Weis again and I feel like I have to make up for being off work for several weeks. I'm afraid to argue with anyone or say no to them or get on anyone's nerves. I don't know how much I'll be writing today, but I could mention that I'm worried about the Reign of Terror. For the past few weeks everyone is worried about getting fired. We have a whole bunch of new managers and for some reason it seems like lots of people are getting fired. This is the time of year when normally we cut hours, but for some reason, it seems like people are getting fired completely instead of just cutting back. I'm afraid of getting fired or afraid that people I like will get fired. It can happen in an instant, unexpectedly, over something trivial. It can happen because you call off sick without a doctor's excuse, for instance.
I have been sick more often living in State College (and surrounding areas) than I ever have any other place I've lived. Every time people travel in and out of town for football games or for college, they bring stomach viruses. Throughout autumn, I literally had a stomach virus once or twice every week. I lost a lot of weight and I could see the outline of my ribs and my pelvic bones. I didn't have a scale, but I think I went down to about 115 or 110 pounds. Now I am suddenly gaining weight, and I am at 131 pounds (weighed at the doctor's office). This is a weight that I describe as 'sturdy.' I can't see my ribs anymore. The most I ever weighed was about 145, in college. That's a long story if I explain my theories about why I gained that much weight.
Anyway, there is no possible way that I could have called off work every time I had a stomach virus in autumn, and there is even less of a chance that I could waste $100 for every doctor's visit to tell me, 'Yes, you do indeed have a stomach virus - it's okay to call off work,' and then tell me that they want to do a whole bunch of tests to see why I keep getting them every single week. It would be hard to do that, because the instant I catch the virus, I stop eating and drinking, so I don't vomit. So I can't go and lie to them and tell them I've been vomiting, when I haven't.
The main idea is that the new management probably won't let people just give them their word that they're actually sick when they call off - they will need a doctor's excuse for every stomach virus, every week.
So the 'Reign of Terror' is partly why I said yes to going in to work. I'm trying to placate them because I missed all this work and they wanted a doctor's excuse and I'm afraid to argue with anyone right now.
I'm going to B&N tonight though, at the usual time. I haven't worked on any more ads for my group, because I am in conflict with 'them' about what exactly the group is supposed to DO together. In the Diana Leafe Christian books about intentional communities, they emphasized the importance of making a very clear mission statement for the group. Not only that, but 'we' are focused on some other projects right now, and I can't do too many things at once. That's the main reason.
The main 'project' is that they are pushing me to strengthen my friendship with the guy that I like. This is the one I have mentioned a couple of times and I said that I myself wouldn't have tried, except that they have been pushing me to keep contacting him and trying to do more things with him, like see him away from work.
Now that they are 'trying on' enneagram type Five, the explanation for my behavior is that I'm a 'rejected' personality type (actually it's called 'ambivalent') - there are three types, the Two, Five, and Eight, and all of those types feel that other people are somehow bigger and stronger than they themselves are, and other people have what we need and we have to somehow beg or bargain or do something useful for somebody in order to get what we need from them - we have to 'pay' for our friendships and pay to be loved and accepted. And we always feel that we're being rejected or at risk of being rejected, even if we want to ask for small, minor things that should be no big deal. That is how I interpret what I've read. And these 'rejected' types tend to do things that REALLY DO give people a reason to reject them. Let me give an example: Type Two (child molester), Type Eight (murderous evil dictator, mafia boss, etc), Type Five (babbling weirdos who either hide from everybody or else talk constantly about subjects that nobody else is interested in - if you have memorized every single type of military weapon ever created in human history and all you ever want to do is talk in detail about that, and nothing but that, you're a Five, and nobody wants to listen to you).
This comes from Karen Horney, I think - it's called Object Relations Theory. You're either ambivalent, connected, or disconnected. It's all in one of the enneagram books. I can't remember but I think it's the big orange book, towards the end, after all the type descriptions, in a chapter where they connect the enneagram to other theories.
Connected types - I myself noticed them whenever I was young, but I didn't have a way to describe it. I noticed that there were some people who I couldn't argue with, because they had one set way of doing things, and there was no other way, and nothing on earth could make them change their minds about their way of doing things. It didn't matter how much logical argument I might give them, or how much evidence I could show that there was something wrong with their way of doing things - they would never even consider any 'off the beaten path' ideas for even a second. Those are connected types. They are connected to a certain way of living that seems to be working out. My description sounded like a big complaint, because I myself find it hard to have a conversation with people about my favorite subjects if they're a connected type - or at least, I did a long time ago, but it might not be so bad nowadays. Nowadays, I don't argue as much as I did back then. I listen patiently a lot more than I used to. So I could probably talk to 'connected' types better nowadays after I've learned all about communication skills and personality types. But that was my memory from childhood, though, when I observed that there were some people who just wouldn't change their minds for anything. As an adult, I can say that there are good things about this type: connected types help keep society stable, keep it from changing so much. This is Three, Six, and Nine.
Disconnected types are people who are frustrated and dissatisfied with everything, even if things are going well. Again, this is something most people have heard of. They say that there are some people who are never happy even after they win the lottery, for instance. I don't like to describe it that way, because I can sort of understand how this feels. After you win the lottery, there are still an infinite number of things that you need to do. You have some of your needs taken care of, but you still might have health problems and you just don't feel good, for instance, and that will make you chronically unhappy. But a disconnected type of person will tend to feel that no matter what's going on, they still need to find something they don't have. This is type One, Four, and Seven.
All of my descriptions focused on the negative side, not the positive side. If you read about all of 'Levels of Development,' it says that people can be healthier or less healthy, and all of the types are good when they're healthy, and cause problems when they're unhealthy. It's just that their problems have particular patterns which go with each type.
I do fit the description of 'writing for hours in detail about something nobody is interested in.' However, this would improve if I were shielded from hearing voices. I would write my own observations more clearly if I were not being controlled and forced to write badly and think badly.
And that is the second project I have going: a cheap, low-tech shield. They FINALLY allowed me to try this project. I have wanted to do this for years, but 'it was always SOMETHING' getting in the way of doing the project. There was always something. I had to do other things, I had to deal with the drug residue contamination, etc, etc, and I just could not try building a low-tech shield.
I have realistic expectations for this. This is a shield that will reduce the ambient background radio, the ordinary radio that isn't directed at me personally. If I go inside this box, I won't be able to use my cell phone or listen to the radio. I am going to use, you guessed it... foil. The laughable 'tinfoil hat' approach to reducing the amount of electromagnetic radiation. It can't get rid of it completely and it can't block the actual attacks with guns/lasers/whatever it is. Anything stronger than background radiation. What it WILL do is make the attacks 'stick out like a sore thumb.' Since the ambient background radio will be reduced, I'll notice the attacks much more clearly, in the silence. I will lie down in there and meditate. Note, this is going to be not even a closed box, but an open box with lots and lots of fresh air flowing through it. It is not complicated and I don't have any kind of ventilation system except that both ends of the box will be partly open and I will aim a fan to blow into it. This is why I say it doesn't do much except reduce the radio without blocking it completely.
It will also damp background noise. I am using ceiling tiles that I bought at Lowe's. Ceiling tiles are designed to muffle sounds. Sonic attacks and electromagnetic attacks - those are my two main categories that I know about. If you read AJH's website at tiworld.blogspot.com, you see that he talks about manipulating gravity. I don't know enough about this to agree or disagree with it, but if gravity manipulation were real, I might put it into a third category besides the two categories I listed. Anyway, sound wave attacks, ultrasonic attacks, need to be blocked by the shield as well as electromagnetic attacks. I don't know enough about how far the ultrasonic attacks can travel, and I don't know if those are being used on me or not. This shield is only a test, to observe what happens, what changes. I am not expecting any miracles, and I am not expecting to be able to completely block out attacks.
I read on another website, hightechharassment.com, that you could use the long fluorescent light bulbs to block sound waves, because they almost have a vacuum inside, and sound cannot travel through a vacuum. Again, it would reduce it but not block it completely. I haven't bought light bulbs yet - it would be more expensive - but in the long run I will probably try that.
I want to block out the loud clicking noises and the 'slip' attacks. The 'slip' attacks happen like this: Some part of your body is resting against a surface. You feel a tickling, tingling sensation in the skin, and then suddenly your arm, or whatever, slips and slides down the surface for no reason, a little at a time, over and over, even though it seems like friction ought to hold it in place. No matter where you move your arm, or leg, or whatever, it just won't stop slipping against the surface. Even if you stabilize it and get it into a place where it seems like it absolutely can't move, it will still start slipping a little at a time, even if it doesn't really go anywhere and you just feel it sort of vibrate between yourself and the surface. Usually they do other types of attacks at the same moment, like a 'rage' attack where they artificially force you to feel enraged, angry, and ready to kill someone.
This type of attack can cause death: they can make your hand slip on the steering wheel of your car, while you are turning around a corner, if you have only one hand on the steering wheel, and if your hand isn't near one of those bars that connects the 'outer wheel' part of the steering wheel to the 'axle' part in the middle, which would block your hand if the wheel slipped out of your grip and started to turn on its own. If you slip someone's hand on the steering wheel at the right moment, they will drive right off the road and they could die, kill someone, destroy property, or at least destroy the vehicle, so this type of attack is a major threat, not a minor nuisance.
I don't have a lot of time left on this library login... I'm trying to remember the other things I wanted to say. I was going to mention that soon it will be warm enough for me to start wearing shorts. This is actually a big deal. In college, I used to wear shorts and I tolerated people staring at me because I don't shave. (My old friend and I stopped shaving in 1993 or so. She eventually started shaving again, but I didn't. I have only shaved a couple of times since then, just for fun or as an experiment, only two or three times.) Sometimes people gave me blatantly, openly disgusted, horrified looks. That was back in college.
I started wearing long pants all the time because, one time, I had a really bad poison ivy rash, and I wanted to cover it up because it looked awful, and I discovered that I felt more relaxed and comfortable when people weren't staring and gawking at me all the time, so I just continued wearing long pants. Then, for a while, I was wearing long pants because I had another terrible rash on my legs - it was either mange from the stray cats at Eric's house, or, later on, duck mites from the duckpond - there are these parasites that infest the ducks and the snails in the water, and when they crawl up your legs and dig into your skin, they leave a rash. Nowadays, I've been wearing long pants because of the drug residues on my car seat, but I have vinyl on the car seat now, so I should be able to try wearing shorts again. But only if I feel up to it. Sometimes, like I said, I'm not in the mood to be gawked at.
Not much time, so I'll finish this up.
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