Today I have a feeling of emotional numbness. I feel like I've taken an antidepressant. I've still been wearing some of the clothes that I wore to the doctors' offices, and every time I've gone to any of my various doctors' appointments recently, I've come home feeling like I hit antidepressant residues somewhere in the office. It can be on the seat that I'm sitting on, or the table where I rest my arm while talking to the doctor, for instance.
I still sometimes wonder if someone has come into the house at night and drugged me, but I usually assume that I have hit residues somewhere, now that I know what I know, after all that I've experienced since I tried growing the herbs in my other apartment. It could be either one - I don't put it past them to go into people's houses and give them drugs.
I think that some of it is a reaction to messing with my dental fillings. I felt really weird at first whenever I got the fillings originally, so I could have released more of the bisphenol-A and other chemicals when I tried digging into it.
Today they want me to say that I'm a type Five. I won't write it on my other page yet, but we are 'trying it on' for a few days. Ever since I wrote that I was a type Four, I started hearing voices telling me I was a Five. Since they won't let me think a single thought or perform any mental processes at all without zapping me, I can't see myself well enough or understand anything enough to decide what type I am. I took the test a few times, and it gives you a couple different possible results, and they listed both Four and Five as possibilities. I was going to go take it again, but I see that it has a lot of questions and it will take a while.
Now that I am reading about Fives again, I have to start all over trying to decide what my instincts are.
It looks like I keep changing my type on purpose, to deceive people or annoy them, to mislead them, but that's not what I'm doing. I really can't help it. I have been reading about this for several years now and they just won't let me look into myself to understand anything: that was one of the things that got destroyed when the attacks began, the ability to look inside myself and ask questions and understand myself. So I really, actually cannot figure out what type I am, because I am being physically attacked whenever I try to use my brain. And it probably seems obvious to everyone else.
This morning they were asking me about maybe buying a dental drill, making my own drill, or modifying a hand-cranked drill that I could buy at the store. My mechanical skills are weak and they always have been. I am better at people skills. Whenever I first got the fillings and tried to ask the dentist to remove them for me, I was planning on writing a letter to him and trying to get him to help me take them out - I was going to have a conversation, ask him why he didn't want to do it, find out what he was afraid of, and try to persuade him.
But they decided that he was evil incarnate and that I absolutely must not have any further contact with him, and they wouldn't let me pay the bill to him either. They wouldn't let me talk to him anymore or write a letter or try to negotiate anything. I wasn't planning on trying to do mechanical things, I didn't want to - I wanted to just get a dentist to do it.
It's very hard to tell the truth right now, because of this feeling of emotional numbness and the fact that I am always a puppet who says only the words that they force me to say - I am incapable of speaking the truth of my own words. I am not trying to tell lies on purpose. I am saying what they force me to say.
It's hard to convey just how completely controlled I have been, and how totally fake all of my personality has been, since the attacks began. It's true, I had been experiencing some types of attacks for years, for most of my life, but the TOTAL control, the total puppeteering phenomenon, is more recent and began in 2004. The constant, 24/7 control with not a single moment of thinking my own thoughts without getting zapped - that's only since 2004. All of the words that I write, all the thoughts I think and the feelings I feel, are fake.
The people controlling me are doing it very badly, which is obvious when you look at the hell that I have been living in. They deny that the drug residues are real, and so they won't let me follow my own rules or deal with the drug residues my own way - they don't take it seriously. They just declare me 'delusional' and try to force me out of bed and make me get to work every day. They think that that's all I'm capable of, because I'm 'delusional,' or as they called it this morning, a 'malfunctioning avatar.' (Yes, I've seen that movie.) I keep trying to tell them, over and over and over, that nothing is going to get any better unless they take the drug residues seriously, and respect my methods of dealing with them.
This morning, while telling me I was a Five, they were asking me questions about why I do things a certain way - why I do this, why don't I do that. The whisper-bombardment wouldn't let me answer - it started answering for me, instead of letting me use my insight to answer from within. It gave me 'canned' words and phrases straight out of the enneagram book, like 'overwhelmed' - it started bombarding me with that word. Every time any little thing went wrong, they started putting the word 'overwhelmed' into my head.
I can't even describe to you how completely they have destroyed and wiped out my existence, constantly. It is every second of every minute of every hour of every day, fake words being spoken, fake thoughts and feelings, fake motives and ideas and sensations. And they think it's okay to do this, because I don't show my feelings - I don't openly show them that I'm sad or angry, I don't react strongly, so they think it's okay to just torture this person out of existence, burn this person's skin and muscles and joints until she is forced to get up out of bed (after they forcibly prevent me from sleeping, then force me asleep for a very short time, during which all of my dreams are controlled, and then they force me awake, so that I am constantly deprived of real sleep), because I'm not crying or getting upset about it. They think that I just don't have any feelings.
However, some of the voices that I hear are actually nice to me. And we are looking at it this way:
There are seven billion people on earth. And I've read some good authors over the years, authors who convinced me that they themselves sincerely value real freedom. There are libertarians, anarchists, and objectivists who really do want to have freedom, externally and internally, even at their own risk.
(The voices always tell me that they are trying to protect me from danger, and that I might have died many times if they hadn't warned me about things - (I hate being forced to write their words) - but they themselves did a lot of things that prevented me from taking care of myself or things that put me at risk, and they could have used other methods of warning me about dangers, instead of putting words into my head or controlling me.)
I know that there are people in the world, not just authors I have read, but people around me, people nearby and far away, a minority of people who believe in real freedom at our own risk, freedom with responsibility. The libertarians know about freedom from government, but they do not explicitly talk about freedom from mind control - not yet, anyway. But there are real libertarians that I could talk to who at least understand the overall idea of real freedom, and not some illusion of freedom or nanny-state 'freedom' where we are actually being controlled.
Anyway the idea is that there is hope that I will be understood, because somebody out there agrees with me that my mind should be free. So I am going to look for the people who sincerely believe in free will, and I know those people exist.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment