quitting coffee improved some symptoms; texting again; 'consent' and 'self-motivation'

This is another hasty draft, not really finished.  I am publishing it as is, for now.  I started on it yesterday and wrote a few more things today.

****

I had wondered whether quitting coffee would help with my menstrual cramping, and it did.  I haven't taken any ibuprofen at all, but only had about an hour of relatively mild cramping compared to the several hours of unbearable agony that I usually get if I don't take ibuprofen, or take it too late after the cramps have already started.

How did I quit coffee?  I've wanted to quit it for a long time now, and all of a sudden, I did.  Several things caused this to happen.  First, the bad smell and the anxiety attacks ('evil spirits') from the bone marrow and its vapors made me move my sleeping place from the living room to the bedroom.  I liked the living room - it's less noisy, being farther from the road.  But I moved into the bedroom instead to shut the door and block out the bone marrow smell.  (That smell is mostly cleaned up now.)

However, the bedroom air was moldy.  There was an access panel in the closet and I found out that the mold came out of the cracks around it.  I've known that for a long time.  So I used packaging tape to tape shut all the cracks around the access panel door.  The moldy air stopped coming out.  Suddenly, I was a lot less exhausted than before, after only one day of blocking off the moldy air.  I usually kept that door partway shut, but not all the way shut, and so, some of the moldy air must have been coming out into the rest of the house.  But now it was almost totally gone.  So I'm less tired, and I need less coffee.  I was able to quit again.

Also, I'm working fewer hours.  Coffee is my painkiller that lets me work long hours without stopping.  I don't need it if I'm working less.

So that's an unexpected blessing.  It's like the opposite of 'out of the frying pan, into the fire.'  I had bone marrow vapors in the living room, so I moved into the bedroom, where there was moldy air that was just as bad or worse, except I fixed it, and then suddenly everything in general got much better.

I think my 'precancerous areas' got irritated because the bone marrow made me clench my teeth extremely hard for hours and hours, which made my plastic dental fillings 'bleed.'  It was exactly the same as after I just got the fillings - severe breast pain from bisphenol-A.  It's going away now.  But the spots on my face, I didn't notice whether or not they got irritated whenever I first got the fillings.  Those are little red areas that look a lot like something my dad has, which he said is called 'basal cell carcinoma,' so that's why I call them that.  It's a nonlethal skin cancer, and mine isn't as bad as his, and they might be described as precancerous.  They all got red, itchy, and swollen, and someone commented to me that my face was breaking out in pimples, but I had to explain that they weren't pimples.

***

Okay, totally different topic.  I have been getting hit with a drug which feels like an antidepressant or anti-anxiety drug lately.  It started after visiting the clinic about my chest pains so that I could get a doctor's excuse for work.  (Still waiting - I have to go back and do more paperwork.  I haven't been examined yet.)  I felt a transdermal reaction while I sat at her desk - someone with drugs on their skin had been sitting in that same chair, leaning their arm on that table, and I was feeling it on my skin (I already wrote about it a few blogs ago).  As usual, I tried washing those clothes, and it seemed to spread around, but I was expecting that, and I just had to try anyway.

So I've gotten some clean new clothes now (Goodwill, $0.29 each as usual) and hopefully this will soon fix the drug reaction.

However, during one of my 'compliant' time periods, while feeling the drug, I 'agreed' to go along with something 'they' keep suggesting:  talk to this particular guy that I like.  I've been talking with 'them' and trying to explain the idea of 'consent' and 'internal motivation' or 'self-motivation' which I will have to describe here if I get a chance and don't forget to talk about it.  (Lots of quotation marks in that paragraph.)

So I texted him and asked if there was a good time I could call him the next day.  This is supposed to be not too strange, because, according to the rationale, there was another girl who worked with us, and he had been texting with her, too, and he calls and texts other people besides me - in other words, a variety of different people are friends with him, so, theoretically, I could also be friends with him.  This rationale sounds kind of laughable when I explain it that way, but oh well.  I'm saying, hey, I'm just another person like everybody else.

Anyway, he asked me what I wanted to call him about, so I painstakingly, laboriously texted back a long message, which took a few minutes to write (yeah, that's me, I can't ever just say something in a couple words, it's always a two or three page text message).  I explained that I needed to settle my mind about some things and wanted to talk about whether we could do things together and be friends outside of work.

So, this one didn't get a reply.  But I texted back, said I would be back later, and I went out to Barnes & Noble for a while which is my official Tuesday evening place to be (7-8 PM) for things having to do with my religious order and with people who want to talk about electronic mind control or any other things from the advertisement.  I think the ad has probably expired, and I need to run it again, and I was also going to do some things on paper.  Anyway, I don't actually meet anybody yet - this is only a 'practice' phase.  I just go to a certain place at a certain time, routinely, which is helpful for people who are having their emails and phone calls intercepted and never know whether they'll be able to reach someone or not.

That's relevant, because, after I got home, I texted the guy again and explained something else.  Still no answer.

So a couple of troubleshooting questions go through my head.  I always ask these questions, by default, because problems can have mundane causes, or else they can be caused by hackers and puppeteers and other types of attacks.

1. letters are getting hacked/intercepted.

2. he himself chose not to reply, because of his own real feelings and choices.  If it's this one, then I have a little bit of control over the situation, because I can change the words I say, or I can change how I say them, or I can try again to talk to him at a different time when he's in a different mood.  This is a 'real world' situation that doesn't result from being attacked.

3. he couldn't reply, because he was attacked and forcibly prevented from replying.  This happens if someone 'freezes' you, if they make you unable to speak or express yourself, and it can happen naturally in the real world (fear, shyness, distrust, etc), or it can be caused by an attacker, and you don't know for sure which it is.

4. some interruption occurred which distracted him and he had to leave.

I always assume it's something like that which has caused someone to be unable to reply.  But afterwards, I get bombarded with 'voices' telling me that I was being too needy, and so on, and I know by know that whatever they're saying is a crock of sh*t.  In fact, I can actually argue about this using references, now, because I've been watching a video at McDonald's, on their computer downstairs, which is called 'Building Trust and Earning Respect.'  I actually like the video.  It's only a little bit cheesy, but of course, you would expect that.  It's a serious training video, and in fact, maybe not 'cheesy' at all.

So I'm making a reference to this video.  One thing they talk about is how to criticize someone properly.  You don't just say, 'You're being too needy.'  That doesn't give them any detail about exactly what they did or didn't do, and it doesn't tell them what actions they need to take to fix it.  It just makes them feel ashamed, embarrassed, and worthless.  (I've always loved reading books about communication skills, ever since I picked up 'When I Say No I Feel Guilty' at age 13 or so.)  Anyway, 'poor communication skills' almost always describes the people who are attacking me, or lousy people skills.  Their way of doing things is, 'If she doesn't obey immediately, torture her for hours without explaining why.'  The end.  That's the button-pushers for you.  I think every other electronic harassment victim would say the same thing.

So I ignored the voices telling me 'you're being too needy,' and persisted with my assumptions listed above.  Those are always my default assumptions, whether I'm being too needy or not.  'Being too needy' is included in item #2, where somebody's reaction might have been triggered by something you said or how you said it.  But I wouldn't use the phrase 'being too needy,' ever.

I don't know what he experienced on his end of the texting.  Maybe he wondered whether it was really me, because I have informed him that I have hackers messing with my emails.  He might think somebody else got in there and is playing a joke on him.  But no, it's me, and I'm not joking.

It was triggered by a chemical sensitivity incident - drugs on my skin - and, from everyone else's point of view in the mainstream world, it would look as though 'Nicole is having an unexplained mood swing.'  From their point of view, I'm just in a strange mood and nobody can explain why.  From my point of view, it's a mood swing caused by transdermal exposure to microdosages of psychiatric drug residues that I picked up in a doctor's office.  Either way, I suddenly got in the mood to send him a text message to try again to initiate a better connection between us.  All we have right now are the brief moments we can spend talking to each other at work, while knowing we'll get in trouble because we're supposed to be working and not chatting.

One of the reasons 'they' suddenly pushed urgently for me to talk to him again is because 'somebody else,' who knows who, decided that I would write some more ads on paper the other day.  One ad was asking people about things that they experience during meditation or prayer.  Another unfinished ad was about long hair, and I fought with them as they were making me write that ad.  I was agreeable whenever 'we' wrote the meditation-prayer advertisement, but the long hair advertisement was risky.  I am sure that it is just going to get people who... argh, this is a long subject and I only have a few minutes until I have to log out and log back in again.  And I can obsess about the subject of long hair for hours, so I need to be careful what I get started on.  Okay, making a long story short, I was afraid that the advertisement would attract people who weren't serious enough or committed to actually growing long hair with me.  It was more likely to attract men who were interested in dating women who have long hair - that was my concern.  So I fought with them about that ad, and it isn't finished.

After 'we' wrote those ads, I woke up the next morning with somebody urging me to go try to connect with this guy first, before putting out ads, because the ads would attract more people into my life and supposedly I would forget about this guy.  I don't think it will happen that quickly or easily, especially if I can write the ads very clearly to explain exactly what I want and what I am trying to do, which will greatly limit the number of responses I get.  I am trying to limit responses , so I only get a very small number of people who are really serious.

*****

Consent:

1. Real consent is not possible when the method of communication is to project voices into someone's head, or zap them with something that makes them feel like they have to get up and move, without permission.  Most of the time, the people attacking me just burn me with something painful and try to force me to get up out of bed.  There are better ways to get me to do things than that.

2. Still there is something 'resembling' consent.  There can be more or less willingness, more or less agreement.

Internal Motivation:

1. Strong internal motivation, self-motivation, is no longer possible for me to do, because of the constant attacks depleting mental resources, probably depleting a physical hormone or nutrient as well - read about electrosensitivity to see more details about what it does to you when you are constantly bombarded with electromagnetic fields.

(I assume the attacks are not only electromagnetic attacks, but also sonic attacks.  Constantly being attacked with loud noises and other things is harmful in terms of the constant stimulation.  I am like the lion in the cage at the zoo, where people are constantly walking by and talking and looking and poking sticks through the bars of the cage at it while it's trying to sleep - that's my life.  So it's not just electrosensitivity, it's also the exhaustion that results from constant noise, stress, and interaction with an introverted person who needs a quiet place to withdraw and recover.)

2.  They justify their attacks by saying 'She would never do anything at all unless we forced her.'  This is a lie.  I used to do things myself all the time before the constant attacks began.  They say that I simply don't have any internal motivation at all, ever, even if I'm sleeping perfectly fine and I'm not being attacked constantly.  They tell me that all I would ever do is sleep and lie around reading books and playing video games.

I know this is not true because I used to enjoy reading self-help books and trying to do the exercises in them.  I used to read Nathaniel Branden's Six Pillars of Self-Esteem.  I had to stop reading self-help books when the severe attacks began, because the murderers knew everything I was reading and would use it against me.  If I had some kind of 'rule' to follow in the self-help books, then they would constantly attack me and criticize me 24 hours a day for the tiniest details of every conversation and every little thing I did, if I even slightly broke the rule.  They didn't know how to judge when it was really important and high-priority to follow the rule, versus when it didn't matter very much, and they would remind me about the rule so often that I couldn't even focus on the conversation I was having.  Constant criticism was the result if I ever found a rule to follow and tried to follow it.  You had to instantly be absolutely perfect in following this rule, instead of using your own judgment to decide when you should worry about it and when you shouldn't.

'The Real World':  I use that phrase now and then.  There are a couple things that I do NOT mean when I use that phrase.  I do NOT mean that I live inside a Truman Show fake world where everybody's a paid actor and they're all against me, while the real world is somewhere outside the bubble I'm living in.  I also do NOT mean that I'm living in a Matrix where everything I see around me is nothing but a computer-generated image inside my brain.

I assume that the material world around me is real.  I assume that when you die, you're really dead forever and there's nothing after that.  I assume that all of the people around me are ordinary, innocent people, and if they ever seem to know things they couldn't possibly know, I assume that they are puppets being forced to say things - I assume 'everybody's a puppet' instead of 'everybody's against me.'  Everyone is vulnerable to being controlled and forced to do things and say things, because the attacks do not require physical chips to be implanted in your body - you can control someone just by aiming a device at them from a distance away.  I don't know enough technical details to know how far away you can be - I only know what I've read on other websites about electronic harassment.

***unfinished notes***

described what it was like when the severe attacks began in 2004.  what it was like before that:  i still heard voices, but i was able to sleep at night.  however, there were still some attacks that were doing harm, even years ago.  so this is debatable as to when the attacks really began and how bad they were.

i remember what i felt when the severe attacks began:  1. social exhaustion from constant interaction and being unable to withdraw, and 2. making me unable to foretell the future.  i used to foretell the future by projecting a 'tangent' from the point where i am now.  what i mean is, i would ask, 'what would the future be like if i just continue to do everything i'm doing now?'  then i'd see how bad things would become unless i took action to solve the problem.  that's how i used to motivate myself internally - by foretelling what the future would be if i didn't do something about it now.  they took that away from me, so that if i try to look into the future at all, they zap me.  (they were asking me about my math classes, and that's how we got to be talking about tangents.  tangents are something from trigonometry.)

process of 'something resembling consent' which technically is NOT real consent because of the communication method being used:  establish rapport:  you are a real person out in the real world, and not just an imaginary persona inside their mind.  you acknowledge the reality of this situation:  they really are the victim of attacks, and they really are physically sick.  as a result of those two things, they are unable to do the things that they normally would have been able to do in the real world.

('good cop bad cop' - i often feel that they're all on the same team, and the people being nice to me are connected to the very people who are doing the worst damage to me.)

then you ask if they agree or disagree with these things.  sick for real?  yes.  being attacked?  yes.  unable to do what i'd normally do, as a result of both sickness and attacks?  yes.

some of them just jump to the 'total control' part instead of carefully gaining consent bit by bit to do small things.  they want to control every single word you write, for instance, even though writing isn't one of the things that has become difficult for you, or at least, not as difficult as physical labor.  however, it's true that focused, deep, insightful, purposeful, audience-directed writing is impossible nowadays.

people with dental fillings and mercury poisoning, or using certain drugs or going into withdrawal, will be extremely hostile to any interaction at all.  and again, i say this is justified, because it's a violation of human rights to put voices in people's heads or use electronic methods to control them, so there's nothing wrong with being hostile towards people who really are committing a crime against you.  again, it's NOT REAL CONSENT:  this is, and should be, illegal, except that the government doesn't acknowledge it exists.  interacting with them at all using those methods, and trying to force them to do anything at all, is already a violation of their rights, so you should EXPECT them to be LEGITIMATELY, JUSTIFIABLY hostile towards you.

this is to explain that there are better and worse ways of doing things.  i think one of the most destructive people attacking me is a rejected lesbian female, and since she already knows she's rejected and there's no hope, she's being more cruel than all the male attackers combined.  i tolerate male attackers much better than i tolerate lesbian female attackers.  lesbian images were one of the things that they attacked me with the most, in the beginning, in the nightmares.

***

consent was NOT given during the emails in which i was forced to write that i 'enjoyed' having someone hacking my computer and reading my mind.  being forced against your will to say 'yes', at a time when you don't know that mind control even exists, DOES NOT constitute consent.