strange events going on at facebook.

well, once again, martin is doing something unusual that i don't understand.

i sent him a friend request.  it now looks like his whole profile has been deleted.  i say it 'looks like' it has been, because i have no way of knowing what's going on in the real world when my computer is so badly hacked and messed up.  it could also be that he really did block my account this time, instead of merely SAYING he did.  i'm going to assume that's probably what it was, he blocked it.  i haven't tested this yet, and i don't quite have the spirit to do that right now.  based on past experience, this means that all of a sudden, one day when i'm on drugs again, they will force me to go looking for him again.

i had something disturbing happen the other day.  i noticed someone at work wearing orange shoes.  this was disturbing because i had written in my other blog about how 'orange shoes' could be seen as something meaningful when it wasn't, or something like that, and 'orange shoes' was the example i kept using.  when i did that, i had no idea that this particular person actually wore orange shoes.  i can't know if he bought them before, or after, i started talking about orange shoes as my example.  it bothers me, because i could be viewed as making fun of that person, when actually, i had no idea that he actually owned a pair of orange shoes at the time i was talking about it.  i worry that it was one of the incidents making me look like a 'perp' when i was a 'puppet' instead.  if he bought a pair of orange shoes because i had been talking about them, that's different.  i remember something ayn rand said, one of the characters in her books - they said they would rather be the victim instead of the parasite.  if somebody else is making fun of me, that's not as bad as if i was the person making fun of them.  and no, i'm not calling that person a parasite, but it was based on the theory that it's a large group of people in the workplace who are all talking to each other about me and making a joke out of the whole thing.

one of the things that 'they' made me do, last summer, was to start writing about electronic mind control under my own name.  here was the concept, as i was told:  i was supposed to become a supporter and helper of other people who were suffering the same problems, and i was supposed to be easy to find, easy to look up in the phone book, instead of being anonymous.  it was intended to protect me and also to help others.

but i was nowhere near ready to help anyone.  i have spent quite a few years in a state i would call 'barely surviving,' as in, i can hardly get out of bed in the morning, and cannot help anyone.   so there was no 'group' or any such thing - i wasn't anywhere near ready to try starting anything like that in the real world.  it was all hype and no action.

after that, i started job-hunting.   my job applications were being mysteriously rejected, and then i saw a news article, which was probably put there by the hackers, talking about how nowadays, everybody who does a background check also does a low-tech check on google just to see what else they can find out about you.  my name is now all over google, and it's associated with my blogs about mind control.

the voices were the ones pushing me to do that in the beginning, but now, i get other voices  saying 'can i have your autograph?' and telling me i'm famous.  even though they're the ones who decided that now was the time to break the taboo about my mental experiences, which i hadn't been blogging about until then.  i hadn't chosen to start writing about it under my own name, and i had reasons.  i didn't have anything valuable to offer to anyone - i couldn't offer protection or guidance or knowledge - i couldn't tell them what to do if they were being attacked - i couldn't help anyone.  not only that but i had thought the attacks would worsen if i talked about them.  (they do sometimes for brief periods, but not as badly as i had thought.)

so, bringing this back to martin, i am going to assume that he doesn't want his facebook account associated with such a 'famous' person (and yes, that word is used sarcastically - it's the word 'they' keep using), because it would cause conflict with the rest of his friends and family.  something that seems trivial to me seems like a big deal to him - i would assume that his facebook friends didn't waste much time paying attention to every new friend he adds, viewing and counting every person in the list to see if there is somebody new, then asking him who is that new person.  i don't go looking around all MY facebook friends' profiles and then bother them about each and every friend they have.

when i sent the request, i sent it as a gesture, expecting that he would say no.  i said that i would just go on with my life as usual afterwards, which is what i will do.