the stupidity of the things they've tried to make me do

i'd like to know what he's going to do, as in, whether he will be back at work again, so that i can mentally prepare myself for that.  every time i see him, it is extremely upsetting and tense.  how do you convince somebody, 'i was being forced against my will to do something or say something to you which made you uncomfortable, but i am not a dangerous person.'

i'm using my dennis relationship problem to interpret the martin relationship.  i'm assuming that the way that i feel about dennis is the way martin feels about me.  and no, this is not a good thing.  i have gotten so annoyed about dennis, walking back and forth in front of the deli with a mournful look on his face, trying to talk to me while i'm at work, that i get angry the moment i see him.  feeling so intensely annoyed that i cannot stand the sight of someone.  so, i assume that for whatever reason, martin is feeling that same way about me.  that's one of many interpretations.  it's always like i'm a hypocrite for being so annoyed with dennis, but supposedly i'm doing the same thing to martin (except i don't pace back and forth in front of the place where HE works, with no legitimate reason to be there, and constantly try to waste his time in twenty-minute conversations about things he isn't interested in, while he's on the clock and trying to work.  so the comparison isn't really accurate.  my excessively long emails and blogs are something that he can choose to read, or not read, at any convenient time that he feels like it.  i am not being anywhere near as much of a nuisance to him as dennis is being to me).

this all came up because dennis REALLY annoyed me yesterday, doing the same thing at work, and i started trying to write another note to him - i have his mailing address now, which i didn't have before.  i wrote him a note, wasn't happy with it, and didn't have a mailing address yet, so i never gave him the note.  he isn't connected to the internet now, so i can't email him except brief text messages.  i wanted to write a 'don't do this, don't do that' kind of note.  don't pace back and forth in front of the place where i work to try to make eye contact with me and start up a twenty minute conversation about computer gadgets or geneology.  i was going to try to define what kind of relationship dennis and i have, what are the limits, and what he cannot do.

when i started talking to dennis, and gave him my email, i didn't know that i was HIS ONLY FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WORLD.  he knows a couple other people, but they don't live around here.  and now, he's unemployed, so he spends even LESS time with people.  so i didn't know that he was going to cling to me and i would be the only human being on earth who would spend a single minute having a conversation with him.  i was really, really annoyed with dennis yesterday and, as i said, it made me think about martin again, because one of the theories is that he's in the same situation.

nowadays, i wouldn't even be writing long letters to martin anymore if we WERE friends.  i would be blogging instead.  there would be less of a 'clinging' type of relationship.

the stupidity of being forced to believe things and forced to do things, while trying to explain to somebody that it wasn't my fault, instead it was SOMEONE ELSE'S insane idea to try to get me to do this, to write this or that email to him, and whatever else that caused the problems.  i'm not the one who had those ideas, but i can't prove that to anyone.